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Photographic 

Sciences 
Corporation 


"ii  WEST  MAIN  .  TREET 

WEBSTER  N.Y.  14580 

(714)  877-4503 


~»    T.      « 


CIHM/ICMH 

Microfiche 

Series. 


CIHIVI/ICMH 
Coilection  de 
microfiches. 


Canadian  Institute  for  Historical  IVIicroreproductions  /  Institut  Canadian  de  microreproductions  historiques 


Technical  and  Bibliographic  Notes/Notes  techniques  et  bibliographiques 


The  Institute  has  attempted  to  obtain  the  best 
original  copy  available  for  filming.  Features  of  this 
copy  which  may  be  bibliographically  unique, 
which  may  alter  any  of  the  images  in  the 
reproduction,  or  which  may  significantly  change 
the  usual  method  of  filming,  are  checked  below. 


D 


D 


D 


D 
D 


D 


Q 


Coloured  covers/ 
Couverture  de  couleur 


rn    Covers  damaged/ 


Couverture  endommagie 


Covers  restored  and/or  laminated/ 
Couverture  restaur^  et/ou  pelliculie 


r~n    Cover  title  missing/ 


Le  titr*  d«  couverture  manqua 


I      I    Coloured  maps/ 


Cartes  giographiques  en  couleur 


Coloured  ink  (i.e.  other  than  blue  or  black)/ 
Encre  de  couleur  (i.e.  autre  que  bleue  ou  noire) 


I      I    Coloured  plates  and/or  illustrations/ 


Planches  et/ou  illustrations  en  couleur 


Bound  with  other  material/ 
Relit  ave<f  d'autres  documents 


Tight  binding  may  cause  shadows  or  distortion 
along  interior  margin/ 

La  re  liure  serrie  peut  causer  de  I'ombre  ou  de  la 
distorsion  le  long  de  la  marge  intdrieure 

Blank  leaves  added  during  restoration  may 
appear  within  the  text.  Whenever  possible,  these 
have  been  omitted  from  filming/ 
II  se  paut  que  certaines  pages  blanches  ajouties 
lors  d'une  rsstauration  apparaissent  dans  le  texte. 
mais,  lorsque  cela  ttait  possible,  ces  pages  n'ont 
pas  6x6  filmtes. 


Additional  comments:/ 
Commentaires  suppltmentaires: 


Various  pagings. 


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qu'il  lui  a  iti  possible  de  se  procurer.  Les  details 
de  cet  exemplaire  qui  sont  peut-Atre  uniques  du 
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une  image  reproduite,  ou  qui  peuvent  exiger  une 
modification  dans  la  m6thode  normale  de  filmage 
sont  indiqute  ci-dessous. 


Tl 
t( 


I      I   Coloured  pages/ 


D 


Pages  de  couleur 

Pages  damaged/ 
Pages  endommagies 

Pages  restored  and/oi 

Pages  restaurtes  et/ou  peiiiculAes 

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r~n  Pages  damaged/ 

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[7^  Pages  discoloured,  stained  or  foxed/ 

I      I  Pages  detached/ 

rri  Showthrough/ 

I      I  Quality  of  print  varies/ 

r~1  Includes  supplementary  material/ 

I      I  Only  edition  available/ 


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P 
o 
fi 


G 
b 
ti 

si 
o 
fi 
si 
o 


T 

si 
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d 

b 
ri 
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Pages  wholly  or  partially  obscured  by  errata 
slips,  tissues,  etc.,  have  been  refilmed  to 
ensure  the  best  possible  image/ 
Les  pages  totalement  ou  partiellement 
obscurcies  par  un  feuillet  d'errata,  une  pelure, 
etc.,  ont  6x6  filmies  6  nouveau  de  fapon  6 
obtenir  la  meilleure  image  possible. 


This  item  is  filmed  at  the  reduction  ratio  checked  below/ 

Ce  document  est  i\\m6  au  taux  de  reduction  indiquA  ci-dessous. 

10X  14X  18X  22X 


2sy 


30X 


^ 


12X 


16X 


20X 


24X 


28X 


32X 


Th«  copy  filmed  hera  has  baan  raproducad  thanks 
to  tha  ganarosity  of: 

La  Bibliothique  de  la  Villa  da  Montrtel 


L'axamplaira  filml  fut  raproduit  grica  k  la 
ginirositA  da: 

La  Biblioth^ua  de  la  Villa  da  Montreal 


Tha  imagas  appaaring  hara  ara  tha  bast  quality 
possibia  considaring  tha  condition  and  lagibility 
of  tha  original  copy  and  in  Icaaping  with  tha 
filming  contract  spacifications. 


Original  copias  in  printad  papar  covars  ara  filmad 
beginning  with  tha  front  covar  and  anding  on 
tha  last  paga  with  a  printad  or  illu9;;ratad  impras- 
sion.  or  tha  bacic  covar  whan  appropriate.  All 
othar  original  copias  ara  filmad  beginning  on  the 
first  page  with  a  printed  or  illustrated  impres- 
sion, and  ending  on  the  last  page  with  a  printed 
or  illustrated  impression. 


Les  imagas  suivantes  ont  At*  raproduites  avac  la 
plus  grand  soin.  compta  tenu  de  la  condition  at 
da  la  nattet*  de  rexempiaira  fiimA,  at  an 
conformity  avac  les  conditions  du  contrat  de 
filmaga. 

Lee  exemplaires  originaux  dont  la  couverture  en 
papier  est  ImprimAe  sont  filmis  en  commenpant 
par  ie  premier  plat  at  en  terminant  soit  par  la 
darnlAre  page  qui  comporte  une  empreinte 
d'impression  ou  d'filustration,  soit  par  la  second 
plat,  selon  Ie  cas.  Tous  les  autres  exemplaires 
originaux  sont  filmte  en  commenpant  par  la 
pramiAre  page  qui  comporte  une  empreinte 
d'impreasion  ou  d'iliustration  at  an  terminant  par 
la  darniire  paga  qui  comporte  une  telle 
empreinte. 


The  last  recorded  frame  on  each  microfiche 
shall  contain  tha  symbol  — ^  (meaning  "CON- 
TINUED"), or  the  symbol  V  (meaning  "END"), 
whichever  applies. 


Un  des  symboles  suivants  ap|.iarattra  sur  la 
darnlAre  image  de  cheque  microfiche,  selon  Ie 
cas:  Ie  symbols  ^-^  signifle  "A  SUIVRE",  Ie 
symbols  V  signifle  "FIN". 


Maps,  plates,  charts,  etc.,  may  be  filmed  at 
different  reduction  ratios.  Those  too  large  to  be 
entirely  included  in  one  exposure  ara  filmed 
beginning  in  the  upper  left  hand  corner,  left  to 
right  and  top  to  bottom,  as  many  frames  as 
required.  The  following  diagrams  illustrate  the 
method: 


Lea  cartas,  planches,  tableaux,  etc.,  peuvent  Atre 
filmie  A  dee  taux  da  reduction  diff Arents. 
Lorsque  Ie  document  est  trop  grand  pour  Atra 
raproduit  en  un  seui  clichA,  11  est  film*  A  partir 
da  I'angle  supArieur  gauche,  de  gauche  A  droite, 
et  de  haut  en  baa,  an  prenant  la  nombre 
d'images  nAcessaira.  Las  diagrammas  suivants 
illustrent  la  mAthoda. 


1 

2 

3 

1 

2 

3 

4 

5 

6 

BIBLIOTHEQDE  D£  LA 
VILLE  DE   MONTREAL 


COLLECTION 
GAGNON 

e— — = 


v/ 


29 


Koraic  ir»K0-l-2<» 


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I^ljilahljiiiin: 


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6  3  5 1 


JUDGE 


HALIBURTON'S 


YANKEE    STORIES. 


Onrril  iinilea 

ox  re  rahuH^i;^ •  Horacb. 

Tho  cheiirrul  Rage'vpNi  lotcmn  dictates  fail, 
Cunceula  the  niora^uiuel  in  a  tal«. 


V/ITH 


ILLUSTRATIONS. 


PHILADELPHIA  * 

LINDSAY  &  BLAKISTON, 

KO.   35   SOUTH   SIXTH   STREKT. 

1856. 


i, 


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ADVERTISEMENT 


The  following  Sketches,  as  far  as  the  twenty 
first  chapter,  originally  appeared  in  the  "Nova- 
scotian"  Newspaper.  The  great  popularity 
they  acquired,  induced  the  Editor  of  that 
paper  to  apply  to  the  Author  for  the  remaining 
part  of  the  series,  and  permission  to  publish 
the  whole  entire.  This  request  having  been 
acceded  to,  the  Editor  has  now  the  pleasure 
of  laying  them  before  the  public  in  their  present 
shape. 


m 


TI^B 


CONTENTS   OP   PART  FIRST. 


CU|4ai 


t%m 


Slicr  s  Lktter 7 

1.  The  Trotting  Florae 1  j 

2.  The  Clockmakcr 1 J 

3.  The  Silent  Girla 19 

4.  Conversations  at  the  River  Philip 23 

5.  Justice  Pettifog 25 

6.  Anecdotes 28 

7.  Go  Ahead 31 

8.  The  Preacher  that  wandered  from  his  Text 35 

9.  Yankee  Eating  and  Horse  Feeding   40 

10.  The  Road  to  a  Woman's  Heart— The  Broken  Heart 45 

11.  Cumberland  Oysters  produce  melancholy  forebodings 50 

12.  The  American  Eagle 55 

13.  The  Clockmaker's  Opinion  of  Halifax 62 

14.  Sayings  and  Doings  in  Cumberland 68 

15.  The  Dancing  Master  Abroad 72 

16.  Mr.  Slick's  Opinion  of  the  British 78 

17   A  Yankee  Handle  for  a  Halifax  Blade 84 

18.  The  Grahamite  and  the  Irish  Pilot 90 

19.  The  Clockmaker  quilts  a  Blue  Nose 96 

20.  Sister  Sail's  Courtship 101 

21.  Setting  up  for  Governor 106 

22.  A  Cure  for  Conceit 114 

23.  The  Blowin  Time 120 

24.  Father  John  O'Shaughnesay 124 

25.  Taming  a  Shrew 137 

26.  The  Minister's  Horn  Mug  137 

«7.  The  White  Nigger  . .    I43 

28.  Fire  in  the  Dairy 14S 

29.  A  Bedy  without  a  Head I53 

30.  A  Tale  of  Bunker's  Hill 159 

31.  Gulling  a  Bluo  Nose 163 

32.  Too  many  Irons  in  the  fire   ...    i  C8 

33.  Windsor  and  the  Far  West 17a 

1  ♦  (5) 


— V. 


SLICK'S   LETTER. 


,  After  thete  Sketches  had  gone  through  the  presa  and  were  riwuJy 
for  publication,  wo  sent  Mr.  Slick  a  copy;  and  shortly  after- 
wards  received  from  him  the  following  letter,  which  charactt^ 
istic  communication  wo  give  enti/c.—EDiToa.] 

To  Mr.  Howe. 

Sir,— I  received  your  letter,  and  note  its  contents. 
1  aint  over  half  pleased,  I  tell  you;  I  think  I  have  been 
used  scandalous,  that's  a  fact.     It  warn't  the  part  of  a 
gentleman  for  to  go  and  pump  me  arter  that  fashion, 
and  then  go  right  off*  and  blart  it  out  in  print.     It  was 
a  nasty,  dirty,  mean  action,  and  I  don't  thank  you  nor 
the  Squire  a  bit  for  it.    It  will  be  more  nor  a  thousand 
dollars  out  of  my  pocket     There's  an  eend  to  the  Clock 
trade  now,  and  a  pretty  kettle  of  fish  I've  made  on  it, 
hav'nt  I  ?    I  shall  never  hear  the  last  on  it,  and  what 
am  I  to  say  when  I  go  back  to  the  States?    I'll  take 
my  oath  I  never  said  one-half  the  stuff  he  has  set  down 
there ;  and  as  for  that  long  lochrum  about  Mr.  Everett, 
and  the  Hon.  Alden  Gobble,  and  Minister,  there  aint  a 
word  of  truth  in  it  from  beginnin  to  (^tnd.     If  ever  I 
come  near  hand  to  him  agin,  I'll  larn  him— but  never 
mmd,  I   say  nothin.     Now  there's   one  thing  I   don't 
cleverly  understand.     If  this  here  book  is  my  ^Sayiu^ 
and  Doins;  how  comes  ityourn  or  the  Squire's  either? 
U  my  tlwughts  and  notions  are  my  own,  how  can  they  . 


-^^ffffttfiii 


•  •• 

nil 


slickV,  letter. 


be  any  other  folks's?     According  to  my  idei  you  havd 
no  more  right  to  take  them,  than  you  have  to  take  my 
clocks  without  payin  for  'em.     A  man  that  would  be 
guilty  of  such  an  action  is  no  gentleman,  that's  flat,  and 
if  you  don't  like  it,  you  may  lump  it — for  I  don't  valy 
him,  nor  you  neither,  nor  are   a  blue-nose  that  ever 
stept  in  shoe-!eather,  the  matter  of  a  pin's  head.    I 
don't  know   as   eve;  I  felt  so  ugly  afore  since  I  was 
raised ;  why  didn't  he  put  his  name  to  it,  as  well  as 
mine  ?     When  an  article  han't  the  maker's  name  and 
factory  on  it,  it  shows  it's  a  cheat,  and  he's  ashamed  to 
own  it.     If  I'm  to  have  the  name,  I'll  have  the  game, 
or  I'll  know  the  ^ausc  why,  that's  a  fact.     Now  folks 
say  you  are  a  considerable  of  a  candid  man,  and  right 
up   and   down   in  your  dealins,  and  do  things   above 
board,  handsum — at  least  so  I've  hearn  tell.     That's 
what  I  like;  I  love  to  deal  with  such   folks.     Now 
s'pose  you  make  me  an  offer?    You'll  find  me  not  very 
difficult  to  trade  with,  and  I  don't  know  but  I  might 
put  off  more  than  half  of  the  books  myself  tu.     I'll  tell 
you  how  I'd  work  it.     I'd  say,  *  Here's  a  book  they've 
namesaked  p.rter  me,  Sam  Slick,  the  Clockmaker,  but 
it  tante  mine,  and  1  can't  altogether  jist  say  rightly 
whose  it  is.     Some  say  it's  the  General's,  and  some  say 
it's  the  Bishop's,  and  some  says  it's  Howe  himself;  but  I 
aint  availed  who  it  is.     It's  a  wise  child  that  knows  its 
own  father.    It  wipes  up  the  blue-noses  considerable 
'lard,  a^d  don't  let  off  the  Yankees  so  very  easy  nei- 
ther, but  it's  generally  allowed  to  be  about  the  prettiest 
Dook  ever  writ  in  this  country ,  and  although  it  ain 
Itogether  jist  gospel  what's  in  it,  there's  some  pretty 
home   truths   in  it,  that's  a  fict.     Whoever  wrote  it 


l» 1 1^ p  1?    iVi 1 1 r» .•      i 


.f. 


^. 


t:  'i!'>.¥*i'w,'imtnui  ,a»i.>ii']iii.mf 


r.f*: 


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suck's  letter.  ,j| 

«me  queer  stories  in  it  that  no  sonl  eoulrf  help  larfin  at. 
hat.  a  fac  It's  about  the  wittiest  booij  I  ever  see'd 
•••^  nearly  all  sold  off,  but  j,st  a  few  copies  I've  kept  hi 
my  «W  eustmners.  The  prieo  is  just  5s.  Orf.,  but  111  le, 
you  have  .t  for  5,.,  bceause  you'll  not  get  another 
chance  to  have  one.-    Always  ax  a  sixpencf  more  Tn 

U>at,  he  thinks  he's  got  a  bargain,  and  bites  directly 
l^never  see  one  on  'em  yet  that  didn't  fall  right  Into  tlie 

r  ^S'    "It  P'^^  '  "  J™'^''  "'">  I  ""^t  «'y  I  feel 
ryled  ana  k.nder  sore.    I  han't  been  used   handsun, 

atwcen  you  two  and  it  don't  seem  to  me  that  I  had 

ought  to  be  made  a  fool  on  in  that  book,  arter  (hat 

fu»h,on,  lor  folks  to  laugh  at,  and  then  be  sheered  out 

n  Tf'„  ^  '  '■""'  """""^y  ''=«'  ""etter  look  out  for 
«|ualls,  I  tell  you.  IV.  as  easy  as  an  old  glove,  but  a 
glove  a.nt  an  old  shoe  to  be  trod  on,  and  I  think  a  cer- 
i.nn  person  will  find  that  out  afore  he  is  six  mouth, 
older,  or  else  I'm  misfakencd,  that's  all.  Hopin  to  hoa. 
from  you  soon,  I  remain  yourj  to  command, 

SAMUEL  SLICK. 

Pvgnose's  Ian,  River  Philip,  Bee.  25,  1836. 

P.  S.  I  see  in  the  last  page  it  is  writ,  that  the  Squire 

to  take  another  journey  round  the  Shore,  and  bac 

.0    lahfax  w.th  me  next  Spring.     Well,  I  did  agree 

V  H,  h,m,  0  drive  him  round  the  coast,  but  don't  you 

m     -wel  "nde^tand  each  other,  I  guess,  aforele 

.1- .1    .i...  s^oiiaiwurauic  airly  m    (tig 


t  smck's  lktter. 

mornin,  afore  he  catches  me  asleep  agin.  Til  be  widft 
awake  for  him  next  hitch,  that's  a  fact.  I'd  a  ginn  a 
thousand  dollars  if  he  had  only  used  Campbell's  name 
instead  of  mine ;  for  he  was  a  most  an  almighty  villain, 
and  cheated  a  proper  raft  of  folks,  and  then  shipped 
himself  off  to  Botany  Bay,  for  fear  folks  would  transport 
him  there ;  you  couldn't  rub  out  Slick,  and  put  in  Camp- 
bell, could  you  ?  that's  a  good  feller ;  if  you  would  I'd 
make  it  wortl  your  while,  you  may  depend 


.' 


u 


i. 


V 

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e  widft 
ginn  a 
name 
allain, 
lipped 
nsport 
Camp- 
ild  I'd 


THE    CLOCKMAKER 


CHAPTER  I. 
THE  TROTTING  HORSE. 
I  WAS  always  well  mounted;  I  am  fond  of  a  horse   and 

pSj^'^rtTr^y''  '^^"^  ^^^  fastest  trotnfnt 
SSlv  \^^J%"'''^X'''' F^^^  ^'""Sresa  in  the  world;  1 

ness'in''alT5'<^°"'""''J''"Sh  "t  such  childish  weak, 
ness  in  a  man  of  my  age,\  but  still,  I  pride  myself  in  takino 
the  conceit  out  of  coxcombs  I  meet  on  the  i3  Ij  u^ 
ease  with  which  I  can  leave  a  cS  tehind  ^1'  *"' 

disturbs  my  solitary  musings  '  "^^  "°"='<'™ 

view  ofT'olche.rT';  ■"  f°"  ^r-*"™'  "'  "'»  t™"'"-"! 
J™T  V°  <=™».'"  had  just  opened  upon  me,  and  as  I  wn, 
contemplating  lis  richness  and  exquisite  slonery    a  Tall 

yi    o''n"'a";l''h"''*."''^^''=  ""'"'"8'"  twbk7ng  bll  k 


k2 

way 


THE   CLOCKMAKER. 


Danion  ^tIZ  ^ /'^^e"»ng^  asked  my  inquisitive  c«tn 
panion.    To  Fort  Lawrence.    Ah !  said  he,  so  am  T  ?f  ;- 

TZl  T""'"'  ^^^  ^"^^  «''^"^''  soundef  so  proTssina^^ 
I  boked  again  at  him,  to  ascertain  whether  I  hffever  seen 
him  hefore,  or  whether  I  had  met  with  one  of  thoslnamp 
ess,  but  innumerable  limbs  of  the  law,  who  noTflourTsh 
m  every  district  of  the  Province.  There  was  a  kin  n 
about  his  eye,  and  an  acuteness  of  expression  mTh  fn 
favour  of  the  law;  but  the  dress,  and  generalbeTrW  o? 

who  he  was-m  either  case  I  had  nothing  to  do  wi  h  him 
Im  iZu  "?^'  ^';  ^«<l"«i»^-nce  nor  his  company- 
am  not T.^«  ^"i  ask  myself  who  can  this  man 'be?  I 
S^o  «t  P  T'.'^'A^'  ^^^^  ^^'^'^  '^  a  court  sitting  at  this 
time  at  Cumberland?  Nor  am  I,  said  my  friend.^  What 
then  could  he  have  to  do  with  the  circuit?^  t  c^curred  to 
me  he  must  be  a  Methodist  preacher.  I  looked  aga'n  bit 
his  appearance  again  puzzled  me.     His  attire  Sdol 

^ace°  Z  tT'^^'  ^  «uitable-the  broad  brim  nofout^ 
place ;  but  there  was  a  want  of  that  staidness  of  look  thnt 

raTSifofTSgr ''''  ^'''-'-''^  -  ^^-^^^^^^^ 

^ZlTJm  t'T '  '"^  ^°-  'l  ^^^^-'  ''''  ^  del Tk^w 
vet  tafked  of  hiJ        ''"■'  "^/^^ Jawyer  nor  preacher,  an 
yet  talked  of  his  circutt  with  the  gravity  of  both.     How 
ridiculous    I  thought  to  myself,  is  Ihis ;  I  will  JeaVe  Wm 
lZ'l!rV''''T^'  ^'"^'  ^  ^^'^'  I  ^^^r^d  J«houId  b^  late  r; 

nawk  S  th^  "'"''  '^''i'''  ^'^  ^''"^  g«°^  morni^r  Mo 
nawk  felt  the  pressure  of  my  knees,  and  away  we'^went  a 


THE   TROTTING    HORSB. 


19 


a  slapping  pace.  I  congratulated  myself  on  conquering 
my  own  curiosity,  and  on  avoiding  that  of  my  travelling 
companion.  This,  I  said  to  myself,  this  is  the  value  of  I 
good  horse ;  I  patted  his  neck— I  felt  proud  of  him.  Pre- 
sently  I  heard  the  steps  of  the  unknown's  horse— the 
cJatter  increased.  Ah,  my  friend,  thought  I,  it  won't  do; 
you  should  be  well  mounted  if  you  desire  my  company  • 
pushed  Mohawk  faster,  faster,  faster— to  his  best.  He  out- 
did  himself,-  he  had  never  trotted  so  handsomely— so  easily 
— so  well.  .  ^ 

1  guess  that  is  a  pretty  considerable  smart  horse,  said 
U\e  stranger,  as  he  came  beside  me,  and  apparently  reined 
in  to  prevent  his  horse  passing  me ;  there  is  not,  I  reckon, 
so  spry  a  one  on  my  circuit. 

Circuity  or  no  circtdt,  one  thing  was  settled  in  my 
mind  ,•  he  was  a  Yankee,  and  a  very  -mpertinent  Yankee 
too.  1  felt  humbled,  my  pride  was  hurt,  and  Mohawk 
was  Deaten.  To  continue  this  trotting  contest  was  humi- 
liating;  I  yielded,  therefore,  before  the  victory  was  palpa- 
ble,  and  pulled  up.  *^   ^ 

Yes,  continued  he,  a  horse  of  pretty  considerable  good 
action,  and  a  pretty  fair  trotter,  too,  I  guess.  '  Pride  must 
nave  a  fall— I  confess  mine  was  prostrate  in  the  dust. 
Ihese  words  cut  me  to  the  heart.  What!  is  it  come  to 
this,  poor  Mohawk,  that  you,  the  admiration  of  all  but  the 
envious,  the  great  Mohawk,  the  standard  by  which  all  other 
horses  are  measured— trots  next  to  Mohawk,  only  yields  to 
Mohawk,  looks  hke  Mohawk— that  you  are,  after  all,  only 
a  counterfeit,  and  pronounced  by  a  straggling  Yankee  to  be 
merely 'a  pretty  fair  trotter  P  ^         -^ee  lo  oe 

If  he  was  trained,  I  guess  that  he  might  be  made  do  a 
It  tie  more.     Excuse  me,  but  i^  you  divide  your  weight 
t.etween  the  knee  and  the  stirrup,  rather  most  on  the  knee,    ' 
and  rise  forward  on  the  saddle  so  as  to  leave  a  little  dayl 
Jight  between  you  and  it,  I  hope  I  may  never  ride  thia 

oS  ''^''*^'  ^""^  "^"""'^  ^^^  ^  ""'^^  "''''■''  ^"  ^°"^  °"^ 
What!  not  enough,  I  mentally  groaned,  to  have  my 
horse  beaten,  but  I  must  be  told  ^hat  I  don't  know  how  lo 
ride  him;  and  that,  too,  by  a  - -^r.kee-Av,  there's  thr 
rul--a  Yankee  what?     Perhaj)s  a  bair-bin'^  n.mnv.  I.«jf 


r-'siv* 


i4 


THE    CLOCKMAKKK. 


Vfinkee,  hall  blue-nose.     As  there  is  no  escape,  Til 
make  out  my  riding  master.      Your  circuit,  said 


try  tn 
1,  my 
looks  expressing  all  the  surprise  they  were  capable  of — 
your  circuit,  pray  what  may  that  be?  Oh,  said  he,  the 
eastern  circuit — ^  am  on  the  eastern  circuit,  sir.  I  have 
heard,  said  I,  feeling  that  I  now  had  a  lawyer  to  deal  with, 
that  there  is  a  great  deal  of  business  on  this  circuit — Pray, 
are  there  many  cases  of  importance?  There  is  a  pretty 
fair  business  to  be  done,  at  least  there  has  been,  but  the 
cases  are  of  no  great  value — we  do  not  make  much  out  ot 
them,  we  get  them  up  very  easy,  but  they  don't  bring 
much  profit.  What  a  beast,  thought  I,  is  this ;  and  what 
a  curse  to  a  country,  to  have  such  an  unfeeling,  petti 
fogging  rascal  practising  in  it — a  horse-jockey,  too — what 
a  finished  character !  I'll  try  him  on  that  branch  of  his 
business. 

That  is  a  superior  animal  you  are  mounted  on,  said  I— 
I  seldom  meet  one  that  can  travel  with  mine.  Yes,  said  he 
«<jolly,  a  considerable  fair  traveller,  and  most  particular 
good  bottom.  I  hesitated ;  this  man  who  talks  with  such 
unblushing  ^tlrontery  of  getting  up  cases,  and  making  pro- 
fit out  of  them,  cannot  be  oHeridcd  at  the  question— -yos,  1 
will  put  it  to  him.  Do  you  feel  an  inclination  to  part  with 
him?  I  never  part  with  a  horse,  sir,  that  suits  mo,  said  he 
— I  am  fond  of  a  horse — I  don't  like  to  ride  in  the  dust  aftei 
every  one  I  meet,  and  I  allow  no  man  to  pass  me  but  when 
I  choose.  Is  it  possible,  I  thought,  that  he  can  know  me ; 
that  he  has  heard  of  my  foible,  and  is  quizzing  me,  or  have 
I  this  feeling  in  common  with  him  ?  But,  continued  I,  you 
might  supply  yourself  again.  Not  on  this  circuit,  I  guess, 
said  he,  nor  yet  in  Campbell's  circuit.  Campbell's  circuit — 
pray,  sir,  what  is  that  ?  That,  said  he,  is  the  western — and 
Lampton  rides  the  shore  circuit ;  and  as  for  the  people  on 
the  shore,  they  know  so  little  of  horses,  that  Lampton  tells 
me,  a  man  from  Aylesford  once  sold  a  hornless  ox  there, 
whose  tail  he  had  cut  and  nicked,  for  a  horse  of  the  Goliath 
breed.  I  should  think,  said  I,  that  Mr.  Lampton  must  have 
no  lack  of  cases  among  such  enlightened  clients.  Cli(;nts, 
gir !  said  mj  friend,  Mr.  Lampton  is  not  a  lawyer.  I  bog 
pirdon,  I  tljought  you  said  he  rode  the  circuit.     We  call  it 

circuit,  said  the  stranger,  who  seemed  by  no  means  flat- 


THE   CLOCKHAKBR. 


IS 


lered  by  the  mistake~we  divide  the  Province,  as  in  the  Al- 
manack, into  circuits,  in  each  of  which  we  separately  carry 
on  our  business  of, manufacturing  and  selling  clocks.  There 
are  few  I  guess  said  the  Clockmaker.  who  go  upon  tick 
as  much  as  we  do,  who  have  so  little  use  for  lawyers;  if 
at  orneys  could  wmd  a  man  up  again,  after  he  has  lien 

of  folkT"  ^"^^  ^  ^^  "^  ^  ^  P'^"y  *^^'™'^^«  «°f 

could  not  quit  my  companion,  and  he  did  not  feel  disposed 
to  leave  me  I  made  up  my  mind  to  travel  with  him  to  Fort 
Lawrence,  the  limit  of  Ms  circuit. 


CHAPTER  II. 
THE  CLOCKMAKER. 

wu  "^^i^*''^  «^  X^"*^^  clock  pedlars,  tin  pedlars  and 
bib^  pedlars,  especially  of  him  who  sold  Po^lot  BiE 
(a«  m  Enghsh)  to  the  amount  of  sixteen  thousan(i  pounds' 
The  house  of  every  substantial  farmer  had  three  subsZtS' 
mnaments,  a  wooden  clock,  a  tin  reflector,  and  a  PoS 
Bible.  How  IS  It  that  an  American  can  sell  his  wares^  a 
whatever  price  he  pleases,  where  a  blue-nose  woufd  foil  ta 
make  a  sale  at  all?  I  will  inquire  of  the  Wockmaker  the 
secret  of  his  success.  '-"■"laKer  rne 

What  a  pity  it  is,  Mr.  Slick,  (for  such  was  his  nnmo\ 
what  a  pity  it  is,  said  I,  that  you  Iho  are  srsuccessful  fi 
teaching  these  people  the  value  of  clocks,  could  not  Lo 
teach  them  the  value  of  time.     I  guess  said  hf>  tw/if 
got  that  ring  to  grow  on  their  horrre't:which'eve7y  fou^ 
year  old  has  in  our  country     We  reckon  hours  and  Zute, 
o  be  dollars  and  cents.     They  do  nothing  in  these  parts 
but  oat,  drmk,  smoke,  sleep,  ride  about,  lotnge  at  Taverns 
rnake   speeches   at  temperance  meetings,  and  talk  abo» 
"  House  of  Assembl^:^    If  a  man  donf  hoe  his  corn  an 
he  don't  hoe  a  crop,  he  says  it  i.  all  o^v-,n^  to  tho  R^n" 


f 


if   i 


I 


IB 


THB   CLOCKMAKER. 


and  if  he  runs  into  debt  and  is  sued,  why  he  says  the  law 
vers  are  a  curse  to  the  country.     They  are  a  most  idle  set 
of  folks,  I  tell  you. 

But  how  is  it,  said  I,  that  you  manage  to  sell  such  an 
immense  number  of  clocks,  (which  certainly  cannot  bo 
called  necessary  articles)  among  a  people  with  whom  thers 
seems  to  be  so  great  a  scarcity  of  money  ? 

Mr.  Slick  paused,  as  if  considering  the  propriety  of  an 
swering  the  question,  and  looking  me  in  the  face,  said,  in  a 
confidential  tone,  Why,  I  don't  care  if  I  do  tell  you,  for  tho 
market  is  glutted,  and  I  shall  quit  this  circuit.  It  is  done 
oy  a  knowledge  of  soft  sawder  and  human  natvr.  But  hero 
is  Deacon  Flint's,  said  he,  I  have  but  one  clock  left,  and  1 
guess  I  will  sell  it  to  him. 

At  the  gate  of  a  most  comfortable  looking  farm  hoi\se 
stood  Deacon  Flint,  a  respectable  old  man,  who  had  under- 
stood the  value  of  time  better  than  most  of  his  neighbours, 
if  one  might  judge  from  the  appearance  of  every  thing 
about  him.  After  the  usual  salutation,  an  invitation  to 
"  alight"  was  accepted  by  Mr.  Slick,  who  said,  he  wished  to 
take  leave  of  Mrs.  Flint  before  he  left  Colchester. 

We  had  hardly  entered  the  house,  before  the  Clockmaker 
pointed  to  the  view  from  the  window,  and,  addressing  him- 
self to  me,  said,  if  I  was  to  tell  them  in  Connecticut,  ther«» 
was  such  a  farm  as  this  away  down  east  here  in  Nova  Sco- 
tia, they  wouldn't  believe  me — why  there  aint  such  a  locatiop 
in  all  New  England.  The  deacon  has  a  hundred  acres  of 
dyke — Seventy,  said  the  deacon,  only  seventy.  Well 
seventy ;  but  then  there  is  your  fine  deep  bottom,  why  ) 
could  run  a  ramrod  into  it — Interval,  we  call  it,  said  the 
Deacon,  who,  though  evidently  pleased  at  this  eulogium 
seemed  to  wish  the  experiment  of  the  ramrod  to  be  tried  iv 
the  right  place — Well,  interval  if  you  please,  (though  Pro- 
fessor Eleazar  Cumstick,  in  his  work  on  Ohio,  calls  then? 
bottoms,)  is  just  as  good  as  dyke.  Then  there  is  that  watei 
privilege,  worth  3,000  or  4,000  dollars,  twice  as  good  as 
what  Governor  Cass  paid  15,000  dollars  for.  I  wonder. 
Deacon,  you  don't  put  up  a  carding  mill  on  it :  the  same 
works  would  carry  a  turning  lathe,  a  shingle  machine,  a 

circular  saw,  grind   bark,  and  .     Too  old,  said  the 

Deacon,  too  old  for  all  those  speculations — Old,  repeated  he 


'-t^»*i-~-. 


THE    CLOCKMAKER. 


n 


Uockmaker,  not  you ;  why  you  are  worth  half  a  dozen  o*' 
he  young  men  vve  see  now-a-days ;  you  are  youn-  enoueh 

0  have-here  he  said  something  in  a  lower  tone  of  voS^ 
which  I  did  not  distinctly  hear;  but  whateverit  was.  ho 
Deacon  was  pleased,  he  smiled  and  said  he  did  not  think 
of  such  things  now. 

»,«?"^  ^r"""!  ''^'''^  • '  ^''^^  "'^'  y°"'  ^^«ts  must  be  put  in  and 
have  a  feed ;  saymg  which,  he  went  out  to  orde?  them  to 
be  taken  to  the  stable.  ^ 

As  the  old  gentleman  closed  the  door  after  him,  Mr.  Slick 
drew  near  to  me,  and  said  in  an  under  tone,  thTt  iVwhat  I 
call  ".o/Jj  sawder-    An  Englishman  would  pass  haTman 
or  ' 'S  ^Tf-  "  ^"^u'"  ^  P"«^"^^'  ^i^^«"t  looking  a  hTr^" 
ZUZ        '  ^.^'"^  'f'^^'  ^'"^'y'  '^  ^«  ^««  "counted  on  a 
i\ow  1  hnd— Here  his  lecture  on  '^  soft  sawder"  was  cut 
short  by  the  entrance  of  Mrs.  Flint.    Ji^t  come  to  sly  good 
bye,  Mrs.  Flint      What,  have  you  sold  all  your  cS? 
1  es  and  very  low,  too,  for  money  is  scarce,  and  I  washed 
o  close  the  concarn;  no,  I  am  wrong  in  saving  a  I    for  I 
have  just  one  left.     Neighbor  Steel's  wife  ls&t\o  have 
the  refusal  of  it,  but  I  guess  I  won't  sell  it ;  I  had  but  two 
of  them,  this  one  and  the  feller  of  it,  that  I  sold  Governor 
Lincoln    General  Green,  the  Secretary  of  S  a  e  for  MaTne 
said  he'd  give  me  60  dollars  for  this  here  o„e-4t  has  cTm- 
postion  wheels  and  patent  axles,  it  is  a  beautiful  ardcle-a 
real  first  chop-no  mistake,  genuine  superfine,  but  Iguess 

1  take  i.t  back;  and  beside,  Squire  Hawk  migh    fhink 

&nt^4  S'J  loot^ff  •     ^'^'^  '  ^-'  -"S 
Mr.  Shck,  willing  to  oblige,  yielded  to  these  entreaties 
and  soon  produced  the  clock,  a  gavvdy,  highly  varnlhed 
trumpery  looking  affair.      He  pllced  it  on  the  chWv 
?hr^  ^here  its  beauties  were  pointed  out  and  duly  Zre 
ciated  by  Mrs.  Flint,  whose  admiration  was  about  endinl 
m  a  proposal,  when  Mr.  Flint  returned  from  2in"  hi^ 
flirections   about  the  care  of  the   horses       Th5n^ 
praised  the  clock,  he  too  though'^  Trndso^e^n"?^'''" 


DU 


^■1 


18 


THE   CLOCKMAKER. 


the  Doacon  was  a  prudent  man,  he  liad  a  watch— ho  was 
sorry,  but  he  had  no  occasion  for  a  clock.     I  guess  you're 
in  the  wrong  furrow  this  time.  Deacon,  it  aint  for  sale, 
said  Mr.  Siicic ;  and  if  it  was,  I  reckon  neighbour  Steel's 
wife  would  have  it,  for  she  gives  me  no  peace  about  it. 
Mrs.  Flint  said,  thai  Mr.  Steel  had  enough  to  do,  poor  man, 
to  pay  his  interest,  without  buying  clocks  for  his  wife.    It's 
no  concarn  of  mine,  said  Mr.  Slick,  as  long  as  he  pays  me 
what  he  has  to  do,  but  I  guess  I  don't  want  to  sell  it,  and 
besides  it  comes  too  high;  that  clock  can't  be  made  al 
Rhode  Island  under  40  dollars.    Why  it  ain't  possible,  said 
the  Clockmaker,  in  apparent  surprise,  looking  at  his  watch 
why  as  I'm  alive  it  is  4  o'clock,  and  if  I  hav'nt  been  two 
hours  here— how  on  airth  shall  I  reach  River  Philip  to-night  1 
1 11  tell  you  what,  Mrs.  Flint,  I'll  leave  the  clock  in  your 
care  till  I  return  on  my  way  to  the  States— I'll  set  it  a  going 
and  put  it  to  the  right  time. 

As  soon  as  this  operation  was  performed,  he  delivered 
the  key  to  the  Deacon  with  a  sort  of  serio-comic  injunction 
to  wind  up  the  clock  every  Saturday  night,  which  Mrs. 
Flint  said  she  would  take  care  should  be  done,  and  pro- 
mised to  remind  her  husband  of  it,  in  case  he  should  chance 
to  forget  it. 

That,  said  the  Clockmaker,  p-s  soon  as  we  were  mounted, 
that  I  call  '  human  natur  /'  Now  that  clock  is  sold  for  40 
do  ars— it  cost  me  just  6  dollars  and  50  cents.  Mrs.  Flint 
will  never  let  Mrs.  Steel  have  the  refusal— nor  will  the 
Deacon  learn  until  I  call  for  the  clock,  that  having  once 
indulged  in  the  use  of  a  superfluity,  how  difficult  it  is  to 
give  it  up.  We  can  do  without  any  article  of  luxury  we 
have  never  had,  but  when  once  obtained,  it  is  not  ♦  in  hu- 
man  natur'  to  surrender  it  voluntarily.  Of  fifteen  thousand 
sold  by  myself  and  partners  in  this  Province,  twelve  thou- 
sand  were  left  in  this  manner,  and  only  ten  clocks  were 
ever  returned— when  we  called  for  them,  they  invariably 
tjought  them.  We  trust  to  'soft  satoder'  to  get  them  into 
the  house,  and  to  'human  natur'  mat  tijey  never  comr 
imtofit. 


JHE    SILENT   GIRLS. 


CHAPTER  III. 

THE  SILENT  GIRLa 

Do  you  see  them  are  swallows,  said  the  ClockmnkAr 
now  ow  they  fly?  Well,  I  presume,  we  shall  ha^em^^^ 
nght  away,  and  them  noisy  critters,  them  gulls  how  cC 
l^Lt7  '°  '^"  ^vater,dow„  therein  th?  Shib^nlco^e^ 
Hel  that  s  a  sure  sign.  If  we  study  natur,  we  don't  wan 
no  theimometer.  But  I  guess  we  shall  be  in  Sme  to  e" 
ahea"  Zl  "  '  ^^-S'^-^er's  shed,  about  th'ee  X 

rell'lTtottir  ''"'''  '""^  "^'^''''^  ^^^^^  -^-  *he  rain 

on VbuS  ^^/d,f»^«,<=lockmaker,  as  he  sat  himself  down 
on  a  bundle  of  shmgles,  I  reckon  they  are  bad  off  for  inZ 
m  this  country.    When  a  feller  is  too  lazy  to  work  W  L 

like"  as'r  r  T  ''\'"^^'  «"^  -"^  if  a  trrl'^d  as' 
imJir  "^/.^^'"^l^es  the  whole  neighbourhood  as  lazy  as 

aTttrfin7^'"/'''"'y^"  ^"^  «  g'^d  inn  in  HaK 
'raZ  J  ^^'  r".™''.  d^Pe-d— >ow  there  mighrbe  » 

out  for  a  preacher  »  Pr«nV  ,«     ^  mmg— and  then  we  look 
chap^-wenrhT^  h^  nn?     'l''^^"^^'  '?"  ^^^^^  P^^^'' 

:£-i^:  5&;i^^  o^^^^^^^^^ 


year.     We  take  him  at  first  on  trial  for 


n  Sabbath  or 


80 


THE   CLOCKMAKER. 


two,  to  try  liis  paces,  and  if  he  takes  with  the  folks,  if  he 
gcxjs  dowii  well,  wo  clinch  the  bnrguin  and  let  and  sell  tljo 
pews ;  and,  I  tell  you,  it  pays  well  and  makes  a  real  good 
investment.     Thero  wen;  few  better  specs  among  us  than 
Inns  and  Churches,  until  the  Railroads  came  on  the  carpet 
aa  soon  as  the  novelty  of  the  new  preacher  wears  off,  we 
hire  another,  and  that  keeps  up  the  steam.     I  trust  it  wilf 
be  !ong,  very   long,  my  friend,  said  I,  ere  the  rago  foi 
B^icculation  introduces."  tho  money  changers  into  the  tern- 
pie,"  with  us. 

Mr.  Slick  looked  at  me  with  a  most  ineffable  expression 
of  pity  and  surprise.     Depend  on  it,  sir,  said  he,  with  a 
most  philosophical  air,  this  Province  is  much  behind  tho 
intelligence  of  tho  age.     But  if  it  is  behind  us  in  that  re- 
spect, it  is  a  long  chalk  ahead  on  us  in  others.     I  never 
seed  or  heard  tell  of  a  country  that  had  so  many  natural 
privileges  as  this.     Why  there  are  twice  as  many  har- 
bours  and  water  powers  here,  as  we  have  all  the  way  from 
Eastport  to  New  Ovlecns.     They  have  all  they  can  ax,  and 
more  than  they  desarve.      They  have  iron,  coal,  slate, 
grindstone,  lime,  fire-slone,  gypsum,  freestone,  and  a  list 
as  long  as  an  auctioneer's  catalogue.     But  they  are  either 
asleep,  or  stone  blind  to  them.     Their  shores  are  crowded 
with  fish,  and  their  lanJs  covered  with  wood.     A  govern- 
ment  that  lays  as  light  on  'em  as  a  down  counterpin,  and 
no  taxes.     Then  look  at  their  dykes.     The  Lord  seems  to 
have  made  'em  on  purpose  for  such  lazy  folks.     If  you 
were  to  tell  the  citizens  of  our  country  that  these  dykes  had 
been  cropped  for  a  hundred  years  without  manure,  they'd 
say,  they  guessed  you  had  seen  Colonel  Crockett,  the  great- 
est hand  at  a  flam  in  our  nation.     You  have  heerd  tell  of  a 
man  who  couldn't  see  London  for  the  houses,  I  tell  you  if 
we  had  this  country,  you  could'nt  see  the  harbours  for  the 
tihipping.    There'd  be  a  rush  of  folks  to  it,  as  there  is  in  one 
of  our  inns,  to  the  dinner  table,  when  they  sometimes  get 
jammed  together  in  the  door- way,  and  a  man  has  to  t  hi:  a 
running  leap  over  their  heads,  afore  he  can  get  in.    A  little 
nigger  boy  in  New  York  found  a  diamond  worth  2,000 
dollars ;  well,  he  sold  it  to  a  watchmaker  for  50  cents — the 
.ittle  critter  did'nt  know  no  better.     Yovr^people  arc  jvtl 


THK   SILENT   GIRLS. 


81 


like  the  ni^rgtr  boy,  they  don't  know  the  value  of  their 
diamond.  *^ 

Do  you  know  tlio  reason  monk(3ys  are  no  good  ?  lx;cause 
tlioy  chatter  nil  day  long— so  do  the  niggers— and  ho  do 
thn  Mu(!  nosos  of  Nova  Scotin— it 's  all  talk  and  no  work ;  now 
with  us  Its  all  work  and  no  talk  ;  in  our  ship-yards,  our  fac^ 
tones,  our  mills,  and  even  in  our  vessels,  there's  no  talk— » 
man  can't  work  and  talk  too.  I  guess  if  you  were  at  the  tac- 
tones  i'.t  I<owell  we'd  show  you  a  wonder— /toe  hundrea 
galls  a  ^mrk  together  all  in  silence.     I  don't  think  ont 
great  country  has  such  a  real  natural  curiosity  as  that— J 
expect  the  world  don't  contain  the  beat  of  that ;   for  a 
woman's  tongue  goes  so  slick  of  itself,  without  water  power 
or  steam,  and  moves  so  oasy  on  its  hinges,  that  it's  no  easy 
matter  to  put  a, spring  s'op  on  it,  1  tell  you— It  comes  as 
natural  as  drinkin  mint  julip. 

f  don't  pretend  to  say  the  galls  don't  nullify  the  rule 
at  intermission  and  arter  hours,  but  when  they  do.  'f  they 
don't  let  go,  then  its  a  pity.  You  have  heerd  a  school 
come  out,  of  little  boys.  Lord,  its  no  touch  to  it ;  or  a  flock 
of  geese  at  it,  they  are  no  more  a  match  for  'em  than  a 
pony  IS  for  a  coach-horse.  But  when  they  are  at  work 
all  s  as  Still  as  sleep  and  no  snoring.  I  guess  we  have  a 
right  to  brag  o'  that  invention— we  trained  the  dear  critters 
so  they  don't  think  of  striking  the  minutes  and  seconds  no 
longer. 

Now  the  folks  of  Halifax  take  it  all  out  in  talking— they 
talk  ot  steam-boats,  whalers,  and  rail-roads— but  they  all 
end  where  they  begin— in  talk.  I  don't  think  I'd  be  out  in 
my  latitude,  if  I  was  to  say  they  beat  the  women  kind  at 
that.  One  fellow  says,  I  talk  of  going  to  England— anothei 
says,  I  talk  of  going  to  the  country— while  a  third  says,  J 
alk  of  going  to  sleep.  If  we  happen  to  speak  of  such 
hm^s,  we  say, « I'm  right  off  down  East ;  or  I'm  away  ofl 
^Soutl),  and  away  we  go  jist  like  a  streak  of  lightnincr. 

When  we  want  folks  to  talk,  we  pay  'em  for  it,  such  as 
our  ministers,  lawyers,  and  members  of  congress;  but  then 
sve  expect  the  use  of  their  tongues,  and  not  their  hands , 
and  when  we  pay  folks  to  work,  we  expect  the  use  of  their 
•lands ^  and  not  their  tongues.  I  guess  work  don't  come 
kind  o  natural  to  the  people  of  this  Province,  no  more  than  ii 


a2 


THE    CLOCKiMAKKR. 


does  to  a  full  bred  horse.  1  expect  th,,y  think  they  have  a 
little  too  much  blood  in  'em  for  work,  for  they  are  near 
about  as  proud  as  they  are  h"j:y. 

Now  the  bees  know  how  to  sarve  out  such  chaps,  for 
they  have  their  drones  too.  Well,  they  reckon  its  no  fun 
I-  making  honey  all  summer  for  these  idle  critters  to  eat  alj 
wintv-r— so  they  give  '.m  Lynch  Law.  They  nave  a  regu. 
far  built  mob  of  citizens,  and  string  up  the  drones  like  the 
Vixburg  gamblers.  Their  maxim  is,  and  not  a  bad  one 
oeiihcr,  I  guess, '  no  work  no  honey.' 


CHAPTER  IV. 

CONVEllSATIOAS  AT  THE  RIVER  PHILIP. 

It  was  late  before  we  arrived  at  Pugnose's  Inn— tho 
evening  was  cool,  and  a  fire  was  cheering  and  comfortable. 
Mr.  Shck  declined  any  share  in  the  bottle  of  wine,  he  said 
he  was  dyspeptic ;  and  a  glass  or  two  soon  convinced  me, 
that  It  was  likely  to  produce  m  me  something  worse  than 
dyspepsy.  It  was  speedily  removed,  and  we  drew  up  to 
the  fire.  ^ 

Taking  a  small  penknife  from  his  pocket,  he  began  to 
whittle  a  thin  piece  of  dry  wood,  which  lay  on  the  hearth  ; 
and,  after  musing  some  time,  said,  I  guess  you've  never 
been  in  the  States.    I  replied  that  I  had  not,  but  that  before 
I  returned  to  England  I  proposed  visiting  that  country. 
I  here,  said  he,  you'll  see  the  great  Daniel  Webster— he's 
a  grcat  man,  I  tell  you ;  Ring  William,  number  4,  I  guess, 
would  be  no  match  for  him  as  an  orator—he'd  talk  him  out 
of  sight  in  half  an  hour.     If  he  was  in  your  House  of  Com- 
mons,  I  reckon  he'd  make  some  of  your  great  folks  look 
pretty  streaked— he's  a  true  patriot  and  statesman,  the  fir^^i 
in  our  country,  and  a  moat  particular  cute  Lawyer.  There 
was  a  Quaker  chap  too  cute  for  him  once  tho'.      This 
Quaker,  a  pretty  knowin'  old  shaver,  had  a  cause  down  to 
Khode  Island ;  so  he  went  to  Daniel  to  hire  him  to  go  down 
tnd  plead  his  cas-e  for  Kim:  so  says  he.  Lawyer  A\'ebster 


CONVERSATIONS  AT   THE   RIVER   PHIMP.  j;;| 

MThat's  your  fe«?  Why,  says  Daniel,  let  me  see,  I  have  to 

go  down  South  to  WashincTfnn.  tn  nlL^  .k„  „__'.  :_^*^®   ^'* 


rro  fn  RfT^i    tT   7  -"""«"""",  ana  i  don't  see  how  I  can 
go  to  Rhode  Island  without  great  loss  and  great  faticrue  -it 

Wdl  Th/S"  T'  ^  rr  ^^^"  y°"'^  be'willing  £  giV 
Well,  the  Quaker  looked  pretty  white  about  the  gills  I 
ell  you  when  he  heard  this,  for  he  could  not  do  w  hJ 
him  no  how  and  he  did  not  like  this  preliminary  talk  of  hb 
at  ali-.at  last  he  made  bold  to  ask  him  the  worst  of  i 
what  he  would  take?  Why,  says  Daniel,  I  alway  "ked 
tne  Quakers,  they  are  a  quiet  peaceable  people,  who  never 
go  to  law  If  they  can  help  it,  and  it  would  be  b^Cr  for  J^r 
great  country  if  there  were  more  such  people  in  I't     I  neve 

vhoi.''f  ^'''^  ^''"  ."f  ""^  ^'■^•'"^  '»  '^"^  ^--ept  going  Ihe 
whoie   figure   lor   Mineral   Jackson,    and   that  fverla.fJn 

WL"  "  V^f "  ^"^.^? '  >-^«' '  '-^  '^^  (^ualerM  hop 
hey  11  go  the  Webster  ticket  yet^and  I'll  go  for  you  as 

low  as  I  can  any  way  afford,  say  1,000  dollars.        ^ 
Ihe  Quaker  well  nigh  fainted  when  he  heerd  this  but  hp 

I  nm??.  Ti  ■u^''''^  '"°''^  *^^"^^«  there,  if  I  give  you  the 

iil  V  7%'  '''"  y^'kP'""^  '^'^  «t^«^  ^««e«  I  «hall  have  o 
Stfp"  ^1  ««y«  Daniel,  1  will  to  the  best  of  mv  humb  e 
obdities.  So  down  they  went  to  Rhode  Island,  and  0^ 
^led  the  case,  and  carried  it  for  the  Quak.r  WelMhe 
Quaker  he  goes  round  to  all  the  folks  thai  had  sui^ts  in 
court,  and  says  he,  what  will  you  give  me  if  1  get  the  frea 
Daniel  to  plead  for  you  ?    It  cost^  me  MOO  lo  llrs  for  a 

spot    I'dTt'r"?  '  rr'^  ^"'^'^'  -^  -  he  ifon  the 

said  ihe  Quaker,  didst  thou  not  undertake  to  pSal'^^ 
cases  as  I  should  have  to  give  thee  ?    If  thou  w     no  s  a^iS 
o  thy  agreement,  neither  will  I  stand  to  mine.      Dan 
aughed  out  ready  to  split  his  sides  at  this.     Wd  ,  savs  h^ 
I  guess  I  might  as  well  stand  still  for  v«u  ».  r..     'i^  {^^^ 


21 


C     I 


i    ^ 


THE   CLOCkMAKJSR. 


are  dull,  and  the  winters  too  lon^  nnrl'h  T''^^^^ 

iive  easier  there  •  \  ^xiJZ  L  'i.  2  §  V^       '"^  guesses  he  can 

been  theJe  onL!'  VVhv  our  .ifj!'^  ^''  "^'^'f^^  afore  he  ha. 
this,  on  no  aS,unt  wh ,?  .  ?  '^  ^'"'  *°  ^^  compared  to 
to  be  thrsreTnatio^vlr^  '  ^^^  ^"""'•'X  «ever  made  us 
How  on  airThTouTd  wr^w^'d'ariiirot ^P^  ^^""^^• 

and  Salem  would  starve  a^flofkn J         ""*  *^i''"""  ^°«^°" 

better  no?^o  to  thi  Sf  t""       /"''  ''°'\^"°  ^^^^^  ^^'"^  had 

FourThillin?s^;ou?Lor^^^^^^^  ^^f^  ^^'^  ^"  »"- 

here,  says  hl'wl  arc  alS  '  'Zu  Jt^  m^'^''''' 
as  much  in  one  day  as  you  can  earn  th^L  •  '.  "  ^ITf  ^"'^ 
you  eight  shillings      InZ  Tr   *  r  '"  ^'^'' '  ^  "  S'^'^ 

«onexfday  to  it'rvv.nt"v?th  a  narnf"^""'''^'^.'- ^^-^^  ' 
piece  of  canal,  and  Tit  vasn'^a^hnf  /  ""''"  ^"^'^^ing  a 
Pat  Lannicran      Pm^Lfiv  ?  i   K  }     "^""^  ""^  "=^"^6  is  not 

•Ji-y  ;  wilh  that,  says  the  oversSr  wp  HnnV^P  '  .  ""'^ 
to  talk  at  thEit  work  in  tWs  coumrv  ''??'?"?*  g^""?'™" 
uut  for  ray  two  days'  nav  in  1 '^l'  1   J    '"'  !  ^"°"  '"■'"'' 

vnd  of  a  month  I  WmA  „„     ir      ,         '"  """''  ""tl  »'  'I™ 

in  Nova  s™  fa  while  S  dlvT  -m'"  ° •'' '"  '"'=''"'  "•»" 
tlidn't  ache  with  rnin  and  .. 7,  ""  '"  ">"  '"^y  "'"' 

ing,  and  bled  dty'and  nth,  e«  S  ""n'  ''  '™'  '°  '"'''■■^■ 
^ick.  said  he.  th^e  ^  lat.^' Ss'  noVS  L^Tn'vl 


SSMM 


OMM 


>«> 


JUSTICK   PSTTIFOG. 


85 


.oun  ry  ;  what  with  new  rum,  hard  labour,  and  hot  weather 
you'  «ee  the  graves  of  the  Irish  each  side  of  the  S' 
for  all  the  world  hke  two  rows  of  potatoes  in  a  fieW^ha; 
have  forgot  to  come  up.  "^  m  a  neia  iftal 

It  is  a  land,  Sir  continued  the  Clockmaker,  of  hard  work 
We  all  have  two  kind  of  slaves,  the  niggers  and  th«  wh^f* 
slaves.     All  Euro^an  labourers'  and  blS  who  "^ 

profitable  end;  neither  rich  nor  poor,  high  nor  W  with  ..^ 
eat  the  bread  of  idleness.  OurSvhole  Lph^[  i^i'n  active 
operahon,  and  our  whole  population  is  in  active  emp^^y^nT 
An  Idle  fellow  hke  Pugnose,  who  runs  away  to  us  isS 


CHAPTER  V. 

JUSTICE  PETTIFOG. 

s.frjs.s't  t4!;£tr  S?™? 

them  up  together    Ifvnn  i.,o«*  »  r  T      '^onsiaoie  to  drive 
like  pen^ninfupL Tore  k  ir*""'  "I'"'"  """-"g 

lar  suok^gg_a  disgrace  to  -ho  Jumr^''"  ^ '  Jff.r'^';- 
ed  Ihat  way  in  Kentucky,  he'd  get  a  brekfarof  c^/ 1"*"'; 
some  morn  ncT,  out  of  thn  «,^nii         j  ^*'*^'^si  oi  cold  'ead 

pretty  difficull'to  dil  Thev  teul  1  "  """'  u"'"''  ""'^ 
lion  ConslabJ    'It    can't  J      .'  ^''"''"S  "'="  '«""'• 


•20 


THE    CLOCKMAKER. 


■     ( 


P  i 


m  hi 


him  afore  a  jury,  I  rockon  he'd  turn  him  inside  ou',,  and 
slip  him  back  again,  as  quick  as  an  old  stocking.  He'd 
paint  him  to  the  life,  as  plain  to  be  known  as  the  head  of 
Gineral  Jackson.  He's  jist  a  fit  foller  for  Lynch  law,  to 
be  tried,  hanged,  and  damned,  all  at  once — there's  more  nor 
him  in  the  country — there's  some  of  the  breed  in  every  coun« 
try  in  the  Province,  jist  one  or  two  to  do  the  dirty  work,  as 
we  keep  niggers  for  jobs  that  would  give  a  white  man  the 
cholera.  They  ought  to  pay  his  passage,  as  we  do  with 
such  critters,  tell  him  his  place  is  taken  in  the  Mail  Coach, 
and  if  he  is  found  here  after  twenty-four  hours,  they'd  make 
a  carpenter's  plumb-bob  of  him,  and  hang  him  outside  the 
church  steeple,  to  try  if  it  was  perpendicular.  He  almost 
always  gives  judgment  for  plaintifi",  and  if  the  poor  defend- 
ant has  an  offset,  he  makes  him  sue  it,  so  that  it  grinds  a 
grist  both  ways  for  him,  like  the  upper  and  lower  millstone 

People  soon  began  to  assemble,  some  on  foot  and  otherr 
on  horseback,  and  in  wagons — Pugnose's  tavern  was  all 
bustle  and  confusion — Plaintiffs,  Defendants,  and  witnesses, 
all  talking,  quarrelling,  explaining,  and  drinking.  Here 
comes  the  Squire,  said  one ;  I'm  thinking  his  horse  carries 
more  roguery  than  law,  said  another ;  they  must  have  been 
in  proper  want  of  timber  to  make  a  justice  of,  said  a  third, 
when  they  took  such  a  crooked  stick  as  that ;  sap-headed 
enough  too  for  refuse,  said  a  stout  looking  farmer :  may  be 
,so,  said  another,  but  as  hard  at  the  heart  as  a  log  of  elm 
howsomever,  said  a  third,  I  hope  it  won't  be  long  afore  he 
has  the  wainy  edge  scoured  off  of  him,  any  how.  Manj 
more  such  remarks  were  made,  all  drawn  from  familial 
objects,  but  all  expressive  of  bitterness  and  contemp*. 

He  carried  one  or  two  large  books  with  him  in  his  gig, 
with  a  considerable  roll  of  papers.  As  soon  as  me  obse- 
quious Mr.  Pugnose  saw  him  at  the  door,  he  assisted  him 
to  alight,  ushered  him  into  the  "  best  room,"  and  desired 
the  Constable  to  attend  "  the  Squire."  The  crowd  imme- 
diately entered,  and  the  Constable  opened  the  court  in  due 
form,  and  commanded  silence. 

Taking  out  a  long  list  of  causes,  Mr.  Pettifog  commenced 
Heading  the  names — James  Sharp  versus  .Tohn  Slug — call 
'ohn  Slug ;  John  Slug  being  duly  called  and  not  answering, 
was  defaulted.    In  this  manner  he  proceeded  to  default  soma 


i     i 


mmm 


asm 


JUSTICE    PETTIFOG. 


2? 


1.1  •     30  persons ;  at  last  he  came  to  a  cause,  William  I  lare 
vers  5  Dennis  O'Brien— call  Dennis  O'Brien ;  here  I  am, 
said  A  voice  from  the  other  room— here  I  am,  who  ha.s  any' 
thmg  to  say  to  Dennis  O'Brien  ?     Make  loss  noi«c,  sir,  said 
the  Justice,  or  I'll  commit  you.     Commit  me,  is  it,  said 
Dennis,  take  care  then,  Squire,  you  don't  commit  yourself 
You  are  sued  by  Wiliiam  Hare  for  three  pounds  lor  a  month's 
board  and  lodging,  what  have  you  to  say  to  it  ?     Say  to  it, 
said  Dennis,  did  you  ever  hear  what  Ti/n  Doyle  said  when 
he  was  going  to  be  hanged  for  stealing  a  pig  ?  says,  he,  if 
the  pig  hadn't  squeoled  in  the  bag,  I'd  never  have  been  found 
out,  so  I  wouldn't— so  I'll  take  warning  by  Tim  Doyle'a 
fate  ,•  I  say  nothing,  let  him  prove  it.     Here  Mr.  Hare  was 
called  on  for  his  proof,  but  taking  it  for  granted  that  the 
board  would  be  admitted,  and  the  defence  opened,  he  was  not 
prepared  with  proof.     I  demand,  said  Dennis,  I  demand  an 
unsuit.     Here  there  was  a  consultation  between  tha  Justice 
and  the  Plaintiff,  when  the  Justice  said,  I  shall  not  nonsuit 
him,  I  shall  continue  the  cause.     What,  hang  it  u|  till  next 
Court— you  had  better  hang  me  up  then  at  once-  now  can 
a  poor  man  come  here  so  often— this  may  be  the  tntertain- 
mont  Pugnose  advertises  for  horses,  but  by  Jacquers,  it  is 
no  entertainment  for  me— I  admit  then,  sooner  than  come 
agam,  I  admit  U.     You  admit  you  owe  him  three  pounds 
then  for  a  month's  board?     I  admit  no  such  thing,  I  say  1 
boarded  with  him  a  month,  and  was  like  Pat  Moran's  cow 
at  the  end  of  it,  at  the  lifting,  bad  luck  to  him.     A  neigh- 
bour was  here  called,  who  proved  that  the  three  pounds 
might  be  the  usual  price.     And  do  you  know  I  taught  hie 
children  to  write  at  the  school,  said  Dennis— you  might, 
answered  the  witness— And  what  is  that  worth  ?     I  don't 
know— You  don't  know,  faith,  I  believe  you're  right,  said 
Dennis,  for  if  the  children  are  half  as  big  rogues  as  the 
father,  they  might  leave  writing  alone,  or  tliey'd  be  like 
jo  be  hanged  for  forgery.    Here  Dennis  produced  his  account 
lor  teaching  five  children,  two  quarters,  at  9  shillings  a 
quarter  each,  £4  10s.     I  am  sorry,  Mr.  O'Brien,  said  the 
Justice,  very  sorry,  but  your  defence  will  not  avail  you, 
your  account  is  too  large  for  one  Justice,  any  sum  over  three 
pounds  must  be  sued  before  two  magistrates— But  I  only 
want  to  offset  as  much  as  will  pay  the  board— It  can't  Ui 


t 


f\     if 


2fi 


THE    CLUCKMAKER. 


done  in  this  slmpe,  paid  tlie  magistrate ;  I  will  consult  Jud- 

tice  Doolittlo,  my  nei-^hhour,  and  if  Mr.  Hnre  won't  settle 

with  you,  I  will  sue  it  for  you.     Well,  said  Dennis,  all  I 

have  fo  say  is,  that  there  is  not  so  big  a  rogue  as  Ha  *e  on 

the  whole  river,  save  and  except  one  scoundrel  who  shall 

be  nameless,  making  a  significant  and  humble  bow  to  tho 

Justice.     Here  there  was  a  general  laugh  throughout  the 

Court — Dennis  retired  to  the  next  room  to  indemnify  him« 

self  by  another  glass  of  grog,  and  venting  his  abuse  against 

Hare  and  the  Magistrate.     Disgusted  at  the  gross  partiality 

of  the  Justice,  I  also  quitted  the  Court,  fully  concurring  in 

the  opinion,  though  not  in  the  language,  that  Dennis  waa 

giving  utterance  to  in  the  bar  room. 

Pettifog  owed  his  elevation  to  his  interest  at  an  election. 
It  is  to  be  hoped  Jhat  his  subsequent  merits  will  be  aa 
promptly  rewarded,  by  his  dismissal  from  a  bench  which  he 
disgraces  and  defiles  by  his  presence. 


CHAPTER  VI. 


ANECDOTES. 


As  we  mounted  our  horses  to  proceed  to  Amherst,  Atoupa 
of  country  people  were  to  be  seen  standing  about  PugS)se's 
mn,  talking  over  the  events  of  the  morning,  while  others 
were  dispersing  to  their  several  homes. 

A  pretty  prime,  superfine  scoundrel,  that  Pettifog,  said 
*he  Clockmaker ;  he  and  his  constable  are  well  mated,  and 
they've  travelled  in  the  same  geer  so  long  together,  that 
they  make  about  as  nice  a  yoke  of  rascals,  as  you'll  meet  in 
a  day's  ride.  They  pull  together  like  one  rope  reeved 
through  two  blocks.  That  are  constable  was  een  almost 
strangled  t'uther  day ;  and  if  he  had'nt  had  a  little  grain 
more  wit  than  his  master,  I  guess  he'd  had  his  wind-pipe 
stopped  as  tight  as  a  bladder.  There  is  an  outlaw  of  a 
feller  here,  for  all  the  world  like  one  of  our  Kentucky  Squat- 
lers,  one  Bill  Smith— a  critter  that  neither  fears  man  nor 


nJis 


consult  Jud' 
won't  settle 
snnis,  all  I 
IS  ria'*e  on 
I  who  shall 
bow  to  tho 
ughout  the 
tnnify  him« 
use  against 
s  partiahty 
icurring  in 
Dennis  was 

in  election, 
will  be  as 
h  which  he 


rst,*^ups 
Pugnose's 
iile  others 

tifog,  said 
lated,  and 
5ther,  that 
'11  meet  in 
pe  reeved 
en  almost 
ittle  grain 
wind-pipe 
itlaw  of  a 
ky  Squat, 
man  nor 


4WECDOTES.  gj, 

hini,  he  slips  throu-h  th^r'fJn  r^^  "^^  ^°'"^  "P  ^^"^ 

he.  g...s  armed,  and  he  ct  Lfof  [h  "  '"  "'V  ""^  ^'•^"' 
with  a  bail,  a  IhlvLrT.  h  T  ^  ^^"^  °"^  °^  «  «q"»'rel 
customer.  ^  ^^'^'  *^^"^  runmng-a  regular  ugly 

waf^y^L^gl':^^^^^^^^^^^  him,  andh« 

last  he  hit  on  a  plan  ^haThe  thr^,\^  ''^''"'^  ^^^"^  ^^"^  >  at  ^ 
he  scheemed  forrchancefn^  ^-^^  T  P''^"^^  ^'^^^^^  ««<! 
that  Bill  was  up  at  pSgnoL^  nVa  s^t'J-^"'  '^^  t^  *^^^^^ 
and  was  likely  to  be  th^r^Ji  •  L  ®^?''"S  ^"""^^  business, 
considerable  Le  k  the  ' !  "'^  ^^^^  ""^''^  '"'  '*  ^^"^ 
horse  and  rides  down  otheTnn"^'  .'".^  ?^"  ^^  *^^^^«  his 
hind  the  hay  stack  'Kin  k"'  ^"."^  ^^'^^^^^  ^'«  ^east  be- 
peeps  in  and^  waTches  There  mmuX'^'u  ^'^  T ^«"  ^^ 
ing  the  best  way  to  catrh    h  '^°"^^  ^o  to  bed,  think- 

caih  them  asleep      ^f  h^Z^NZ'  "'  ""'"^"^«  ''«  ^° 
so  long,  with  his  talkin"'  1^    -^  ^^^^  ^  "^^^^^"8  o"tsido 

ho  seed  h™  jum7i„to^iS''rd1'''^.''V^J°'''  '""  ^''^» 
noise  like  a  man  driving  „i  .  ^'"?  """^  ^"""^  ""'  » 
courage,  and  Though7;?  SL  IT''"'  ""^  P'""^^'' "P 
was  to  open  the  door  mm.L  i  "'"'•>'  ""'"■  ""  ""  ho 
afore  he  <i,uld  wake  So  ml.^S^.""'"'  ""^  ^P""g  »"  h™ 
of  his  door  as  soft  as  soan  nZ  "l!  «'"''.'  ""^  "P  'he  latch 
him,  as  he  lay  on  the  ffi  I  ™  r"  ^""'P  "Sh'  '«°P  <» 
said  Nabb.     I  guess  sT'tor.   ^"'Ti-.P'  >">"  'his  time, 

wouldWlaysopTglheavv'orme^-"',^'  '  ^''^  ^o" 
a  good  fellow,  will^u  T  ^rihafiiiM  "'"  T"'  """'' 
him  to  raise  him  up,  for  he  said  1>1  f  '  "^^  '"•''  '"■'"  °» 

a  pancake,  and  afore  Nabb  knl^  T"^  f  "''''^'=''  ""  «"'  as 
him  right  over,  and  l^slL^Thim  Vh'  T'  "'"  ""^'' 
hy  Ihe  throat,  and  t,vistcd  hfs  pipe  till  hT  "  ""^  '"'"'^  ■""' 
,  s  saucers,  and  his  ,„„„„„  g^e^^;  ■  ".5  ». 'i^^^  *"«.-  "i 


Kopt  making  faces,  f(„.'ajl 


3  * 


tlio  wonft  like  tl 


!on 


gor,  while  he 


If!  pirate  that  was 


no 


THE   CLOCKMAKRR. 


hang€d  on  Monument  Hill,  at  Boston.  It  was  pretty  ne^. 
over  with  him.  when  Nabb  thought  of  his  spurs;  so  he  ius 
cuned  up  both  heels,  and  drov'e  the  spurs^igh    ntol  m 

hi  hJTf  •  "'t ''  J'''  ^'!f  r  ^''  ^^"P^'-^^^  Bi»  -««  naked, 
he  had  a  fair  chance,  and  he  ragged  him  like  the  leaf  of  n 

book  cut  open  with  your  finger.     At  last.  Bill  could  stand 

It  no  longer ;  he  let  go  h.s  hold,  and  roared  like  a  bull,  and 

shot.  If  It  had  nt  been  for  them  are  spurs,  I  guess  BiJ! 
would  have  saved  the  hangman  a  job  of  Nabb  thit  ti^e 

Ihe  Clockmaker  was  an  observing  man,  and  equally 
communicative.  Nothing  escaped  his  notice;  he  Cw 
every  body's  genealogy,  history,  and  means,   and  like  a 

fmn»ri^^  ?"^^^  Stage  Coach,  was  not  unwilling  to 
impart  what  he  knew  Do  you  see  that  snug  looking 
house    here,  said  he,  with  a  short  sarce  garden  afore  h? 

fisl^l'n"lV  M^"'''  ^',T^""-  '^^^  «'^-  i«  pretty  So  e! 
fisted,  and  holds  special  fast  to  all  he  gets.  He  is  a  iusl 
man  and  very  pious,  but  I  have  observed%vhen  a  man  C 
comes  near  about  too  good,  he  is  apt,  sometimes,  to  sHp 

A  SpnH  nr'"'"'-  "  n'^'  ^"  !°"^^  sharper  arter  hi's  girths^ 
A  friend  of  mme  m  Connecticut,  an  old  sea  captain,  who 
was  once  let  m  for  it  pretty  deep,  by  a  man  with  a  broader 
brim  than  common,  said  to  me  «  friend  Sam,"  says  he  "  1 
don't  like  those  folks  who  are  too  d-n  good."  The^  is 
I  expect,  some  truth  in  it,  tho'  he  need'nt  have  swore  aT an' 
lav  h.T  '•  '"?'  ^^;;'  ^°  ^"^"^-  Howsomever  that' 
Sen*  ''  ""     °'^  ^^^  ^'^^'  ^^'^^'^  "°'  ««  ^°a^«e 

It  appears  an  old  Minister  came  there  once,  to  hold  a 
meetin'  at   his   house-well,  after  meetin'  wa^  over/the 
tiivTt^S  '^'  "^^"iff  all  over  his  farm,  which  is  pr^?y 
tidy,  I  tel    yov ;  and  he  showed  him  a  great  Ox  he  had 
and  a  swingeing  big  Pig,  that  weighed  some  six  or  seven 

offered  thT'^d^' '-  I^'  "^^  ^l^-^"  '  ^^^"^  °^'  ^"^  ^^  -'" 
ottered  the  old  minister  any  thing  to  eat  or  drink.     The 

n^rnr'h'-^'P'fr''"^  "^^"  '^'''^  ^"^  «-eing  no  pros 
pect  of  being  asked  to  partake  with  the  family,  and  tolcra. 
biy  sharp  set  he  asked  one  of  the  boys  to  fetch  h  m  h is 
horse  out  of  the  barn.  When  he  was  taking  leave  o"  it 
Elder  (there  were  several  folks  by  at  the  Lc),  sav«  lu- 


mmmmum 


ii>mj.  -.u,..-.i.i 


GO   AHEAD. 


ai 


Tt'  S^'T"'  ^''u  ^^^^  "^  ^'»«  ^«'''"  ^re,  a  very  fine 
InTf  .1-  f  ^ '  .^?  ^^^^  ^  '"g^  Ox  too,  a  very  laTJ  Ox 

7M-  J  r  A^''  ^''''^'  ^°''  ^'^  intended  to  hit  him  pretty  hard^ 

^y  /i/e  The  neighbours  snickered  a  good  deal,  and  th« 
Elder  felt  pretty  streaked.  I  guess  he'd  give  hL  irreat  F^a 
or  h.s  great  Ox  either,  if  that  story  had'nt^got  w  nd        ^'^ 


CHAPTER  VII. 

GO  AHEAD. 

When  we  resumed  our  conversation,  the  Clockmakp. 
said  "I  guess  we  are  the  greatest  nation  on  tLfaS  of  tJ^ 
a.rth,  and  the  most  enlightened  too."  ^    ''*' 

This  was  rather  too  arrogant  to  pass  unnoticed  anH  1 
was  about  replying,  that  whatever  doubts  there  St  ^  o^ 
hat  subject  there  could  be  none  whatever  that  they  were 
the  most  modest;  when  he  continued,  we  «  go  ahead  "fhe 
sC  of'Th"'  f  ,  J'  "^^"'•"•"  ^"'  «^'P«  go-ahead  of  the 
'r^^:LZ\^^^^^^^  tk'^tish  in 

X'ZLZ'^  X  '''^'-  "^^^  the^tr^eX; 

If  they  only  had  edication  here,  thev  mihll.!™  .„  / 
'oo    but , hey  don't  know  nothii.'    ^You^„^t  ™alu^  flS 

mt  o^{  ""1  *"'  °°"^e«  »»''  Acade™ertheir  gL™.' 
mar  schools  and  primary  in^itutions,  and  I  believe  IhlT- 
are  few  among  them  who  cannot  read  and  wr£  " 

GrLr::  d  „'  taK-r'"'',^""  "<'•     ^^  <■-  La"-  -1 

vjiwK,  we  aon  t  vaiy  it  a  cent :  we  tear- h  if    a^A  c^        j 

PJ.nt.ng  and  music,^ecause  the  E^^th^  1  Vrii  e" 

o  go  ahead  on  'em  even  in  them  arelhings.    As  for  read^ 

=ng,  U.  well  enough  for  them  that  has  nithing  L^    anj 


32 


THE   CLOOKMAKF.R. 


ticul.iry  ,f  he  writes  his  name  so  like  another  man  tis  to 
have  It  mistaken  for  his'n.     Cyphering  is  the  thim  -ff 
man  knows  how  to  cypher  he' is  sure^o  griw  ri  "f.     Wo 
are  a  "  calculating"  people,  we  all  cypher. 

A  horse  that  wont  go  ahead  is  apt  to  run  back,  and  tin, 
rnore  you  whip  h.m,  the  faster  he  goes  astarn.  Tha  's 
Jist  the  way  with  the  Nova  Scotians;  they  have  b^en 
unning  back  so  fast  lately,  that  they  have  tumbled  over  a 
nank  or  two.  and  nearly  broke  their  necks ;  and  now 
Jey  ve  got  up  and  shook  themselves,  they  swear  t he  r 
dirty  clothes  and  bloody  noses  are  all  owingVthe  kn^ 
Ifr^Cu^'J  ^'"?*  '^^'^  «head  for  the  future,  tl^^eyMl Tarn 
to  look  behind,  and  see  if  there's  a  bank  near  hand  W 

A  bear  always  goes  down  a  tree  starn  foremost.  Ho 
s  a  cunning  cntter,  he  knows  tante  safe  to  carry  a  heavv 
oad  over  his  head,  and  his  rump  is  so  heavy,  h7dont  E 

arv  Ln  Tef  ^"  "'  ^/^'^  '1"'^'^^  '^^^  ^  '"rch,  and 
s  arn   dow'    «'''  ""'Z  t-^^^!  'V^^  ground;  so  he  lets  his 
siarn   down  first,  and  his  head  arter.     I  wish  the  blnp 
noses  would   find  as  good  an  excuse  in  their  rumps  "«; 
running  backwards  as  he  has.    But  the  bear  '  W^^^^^ 
knows  how  many  pounds  his  hams  weigh,  and  he  "caZ.7 

ht:;  fol^^hi^m.^^^^'  ''^"^  "^  ^"  ''^  ^^^''^y  ^^^  ^  -P 

rii^t  off^l/nlT  ^'P'^'^'Tu-''^^  S«  *^  ^^'-^^  «"^  "  cypher" 
t"v     a Jl  nntv      . ''  "°u- '"^  ^'^*^°"^  ^  "^•^'-  «r  back  coun. 

Hl-add  a  Rn!l   r"''.^?^'  ?"^J  ^"^^^^  ^^^  have  nothing 
still— add  a  Rail  Road  to  the  Bay  of  Fundv    and  how 

SOOOifnVT  ^''-  J^^*  requires  ^ypherii^ritwm  CO 
300,000  do  lars,  or  75,000  pounds  your  mo^iey-add  for 
notions  omitted  m  the  additional  colLn,  one  tLd/ancli 

cent    5Sn'"°"7-'''''''  P°""^«-     I^'t-est  a    5    e 
cent.  5,000  pounds  a  year,  now  turn  over  the  slnfp  nnA 

count  up  rreight-I  make  it  upwards  of"25,oSo    ItdTa 
IZ'     AT        ""^  ^''^  ^^  *^^  ^^'^  ^'^  Show  you  a  bill  of 
veTr 'an^r  ''""'';'  ^btracHon  ;"  deduct  cost  of  enl^^^^ 
wear  and  tear,  and  expenses,  and  what  not,  and  reduce  i 

mtcicst.     What  figures  have  you  got  now »  vo-  •,,•,..0  ^,. 
."vc»„nc„.  ,ha,  pays  inlc^t/l  guc^ss,  ^^3  if  U  llom  p,™ 


(BH 


GO  AHF.AO. 


39 


nore  hen  I  dont  know  chalk  from  cheese  But  sur.p^se 
-t  don  t,  and  that  it  yields  only  2^  per  cent,  (and  it  re- 
quires  good  cyphcMing,  I  tell  you,  to  say  how  it  would  act 
vvuh  .oiks  that  hko  going  astarn  better  than  going  ahead,) 
what  would  them  are  wise  ones  say  then?  Why  the 
critters  would  say  it  wont  pay  ;  but  I  say  the  sum  ant  half 
mated. 

I  ^w  n  T"^  •"  y^"*"  ^^^^  ^  Not  to  any  extent,  said 
•  K  .J  f-.^^*^  f"  ®*""*'  P*'y'  ^'^  the  Clockmaker,  for 
1  should  like  to  show  you  Yankee  Cyphering.  What  is  the 
entire  real  estate  of  Halifax  worth,  at  a  valeation?  I  reallv 
cannot  say       Ah,  said  he.  I  see  you  dont  cypher,  and 

llT  ^w^/"^^/°"^  ^°'  th^"^  ""''^  P^^op'e  had  no  rail, 
roads.  Well,  find  out,  and  then  only  add  ten  per  cent,  to 
It,  ior  increased  value,  and  if  it  dont  give  the  cost  of  a  rail- 
road,  then  my  name  is  not  Sam  Slick.     Well  the  land 

between  Halifax  and  Ardoise  is  worth nothing,  add 

6  per  cent,  to  that,  and  send  the  sum  to  the  College,  and 
ax  the  students  how  much  it  comes  to.  But  when  you 
get  into  Hants  County,  I  guess  you  have  land  worth 
coming  all  the  way  from  Boston  to  see.     His  Royal  High- 

W  11    !,?i"l'  ^  ^"^'''  ^^"'"^  g°t  the  like  in  his  dominions. 

Well   add  15  per  cent,  to  all  them  are  lands  that  border  ou 

Windsor  Basin,  add  5  per  cent,  to  what  butts  on  basin  of 

suTulu  u^^-  ^°  y^"  S^*^     A  P'-^tty  considerable 

S  lit  r^l;r ^  "^  "^^  '^  ^^^  ^-  ^^  ^'^^'^  ^^you 

Now  we  will  lay  down  the  schoolmaster's  assistant  and 

take  up  another  book  every  bit  and  grain  as  good  as  that 

naUiT'  Ahf"  '?'h  f'""'  to  sneer  "at  it-I  Lan  human 
natur.  Ah  !  said  I,  a  knowledge  of  that  was  of  great  ser- 
vice  to  you  certainly,  in  the  sale  of  your  clock  fo  the  old 
Deacon  ;  let  us  see  how  it  will  assist  you  now.  What  does 
a  clock  want  that's  run  down  ?  said  he.     [Tndoubtedly  to 

TheTolksof'H'rr^^f'-  '^"T  ^°"'-  ^'^  it  thisZe! 
Uie  folks  of  Halifax  have  run  down,  and  they'll  never  ao 

o  all  etarnity,  till  they  are  wound  up  into^noSon' the 

nly  vvants  a  key.     Put  this  railroad  into  operation,  and 
^^T  ^^'l  /"^^P're  into  business,  the  new  life  i't  wiH 

give  the  place,  will  surprise  you.    Its  like  lifting  a  child  ofl' 


34 


THE   CLOCKMAklLh. 


If 


8  <.•  awlm-r  ami  puttier  hi,„  on  his  l.^^rs  to  run-soo  ho« 
the  imle  n-.lf..r  go..s  ah,.,,!  urU-r  .hat?    A  k     ndTf  <^^ 
n.e«n  a  Kurncl  of  u.ilitia,  Ibr  wc  don't  valy   ^^1,1 

wui  scooi  uilo  sevtu-al  shoots,  and  each  shm^f  !>....- 

C'X^  rji  at  t  r'>w,r'  r :'"  "'?;•  ir''""«- 
'•ti:Ziuf;u:i''aXz""''^ ''°'  °"'^  ■" «"  "°*™^'" 

Here  his  horse  (who  Iceling  the  animation  of  his  muster 
iMd  boc„  resuvo  of  lute)  set  off  at  a  mcsl  prodi^-  „r  mtJ 
or  trotting.      It  was  sometime  before  he  was  ?eS  u» 
When  I  overtook  him,  the  Cloeltmaker  said,  tWs  old  Vank.'^: 

n-,-k  ?  what  retard!,  the  cvltimtion  of  it,  Z  „n7i.  ■ 

i^uess.      Well,  what's  a  railroad  ?     The  aubititvtinr,  J 
.nerl,anieal  for  human  and  animal  labolronl^^^^^  i 
^an.1  as  m,r  ^eat  country.     Labour  is  dcari    AZica 
and  cheap  t«  Europe.     A  railroad,  therefore,  is  coZ^Ta 
ticely  no  manner  of  use  to  them,  to  what  itis  oj^fda' 
u^ond^rs  there,  but  it  works  miracles  here.     There  it  mtZ 
tju^old  man  younger  but  here  it  makes  the  child  a7an. 
Fo  ts  It  isrtver,  bridge,  road,  and  canal,  all  one.    hlave, 
what  we  hanH  got  to  spare,  men,  horL,  cars,  LsTels 
barges,  and  what's  all  in  all— time  vessels. 

Since   the  creation  of   the   Universe,    f  gness    it's    fho 
greatest  invention,  arter  man.     Now  this  if  Xt  [  4^- 


■HI 


THE  PREACHER  THAT  WANDERKD,  ETC.  3i| 

•' cyplicrinir"  arter  human  natur,  whilo  figures  are  cypher, 
in^r  arter  the  -  aasistant."  These  two  sSrts  of  cyphering 
make  ulecation— and  you  may  depend  on't,  Squire,  tnere 
w  notJung  hke  folks  cyphering,  if  they  want  to  "go  ahead." 


CHAPTER  Vril. 
THE  PREACHER  THAT  WANDERED  FROM  HIS  TEXT. 

I  OUE88,  said  the  Clockmaker,  we  know  more  of  Nova 
acotia  than  the  blue-noses  themselves  do.  The  Yankees 
see  rurthcr  ahead  than  most  folks ;  they  can  een  a  most  see 
round  t  other  side  of  a  thing;  indeed  some  on  them  have 
hurt  their  eyes  by  it,  and  sometimes  I  think  that's  the  reason 
such  a  sight  of  them  wear  spectacles.  Tlie  first  I  ever 
leerd  tell  of  Cumberland  was  from  Mr.  Everett  of  Congress : 
he  know  d  as  much  about  it  as  if  ho  had  lived  here  all  his 

nan  that—we  cla«s  him  No.  1,  letter  A.  One  night  1 
<:mnccd  to  go  mto  General  Peep's  tavern  at  Boston,  and  who 
should  I  see  there  but  the  great  Mr.  Everett,  a  studying  over 

sad'rff  th  '"-^.^"-rp^^^^V^-^"'-  VVhy  itaint  pLiMe 
said  J— if  tiiat  aint  Professor  Everett,  as  I  am  alive  >  whv 

saTJhtTow^  ''"'Tr^  ^•""^^^^"'  '  ^^iveyo^thanki^ 

Z  nn  '     T  ^  ^u  "  •  ^"^^  ^  r"-  "°  '''"^'^^  Prolfcssor ;  I  gi„ 

c       Ynn  .    1°  '^"  trade  Of  Preaching,  and  took  to  poli" 

ovuseo  that?  Why,  says  he,  look  here,  Mr.  Slick.  What 
^ni  Tu  'T^-'^S  '^^  ^^°'^^"b^  «^  Solomon  to  our  frei 
wise  as  he  was  ?    That  are  man  undertook  to  say  there  was 

riuKfarf^V'^""'  '^"^^^  '^^'^  think' htsX 
a  1  tt  0  too  fas  ,  if  he  was  to  sec  our  stcam-boats,  railroad^? 

nd  India  rubber  shoes-three  inventions  worth  mo  e  nc^ 

Prl lith^^^^^^^  ^  guess  you'd  have  found 

prcaclunrr  the  best  speculation  m  the  iong  run;  them  are 


86 


THE   CLOCKMAKER. 


II 


W    .1 


UmtsriaiB  pay  better  than  Uncle  Sum  (we  call,  said  th, 
SltrS'joL'^l^rr"  """"^  """'^  '""•  '^^°"'=°« 

.   vv.li  1  yy  iiy,   sayg   |      j  y^     j^  aWaV  UD    south 

n  speculating  ,n  nutmegs.  I  hope,  says  the  Professor 
Ihey  woL-e  a  good  article,  the  real  right  down  genuine  S' 
ilfnTlffV'"^'"  J'--"'^  "^•^^^'^'^'^'  Professor  :Ty  were! 

nf^l^i'  ^^i*'^^^"?'  scoundrel,  that  Captain  John  Allspice 
of  Nahant,  he  used  to  trade  to  Charleston,  and  he  carried 
a  cargo  once  there  of  fifty  barrels  of  nutmegs :  well,  he  put 

and'  LVfh'^'n  T^  '^''  ^"^°  '"^'^  ^«"d  of  the  barrd 
and  the  rest  he  filled  up  with  wooden  ones,  so  like  the  rea 
th  ng,  no  soul  could  tell  the  difference  unti  he  bit  one  ^th 
ttfjliV'^^  ^^  never  thought  of  doing,  untilTelas 
solt^eraf;  us^^et  let"  ^  ^^'"'^"°^  ^°^^^  ""'^  ^^- 
It  was  only  tother  day  at  Washington,  that  everlastin.r 

^t  the  President's  house,  said  to  me,  Well  Everett,  savs  he 

chalk  You  may  depend  I  was  glad  to  hear  the  Nevv 
r^.ngl(inacrs  spoken  of  in  that  way-Ij  felt  nroud  T  Ml 
Y"^>  -ys  he,  there's  one  manuLture  h'at  mi-L  uZ 
all  Europe  to  produce  the  like.  What's  that  ?  Vav^l  \TiF 
ing  as  pleased  all  the  time  as  a  gall  thaS^  i"c.kipH  'w^ 
says  he,  the  facture  of  wooden  nu^e^s  tha  's  n  tn  !  ^'' 
that  bangs  the  bush—its  a  ro-,!  Ynnl  '  '^P  ''^^^^ 

With  thafall  the  gen^e^^t^Lp^tulh.^^^^^^^^^^^ 

S^Hr^^^"'""  '°  ^.""^>^  HoJ,k-and  tL  Gei'e  auL 
gobbled  hke  a  g,^t  turkey  cock,  the  half  niggerrhulf  alli^ 


THE    PREACHER    THAT    WAPfDKRED,    ETC.  »? 

gator  like  looking  villain  as  he  is.      I  tell  you  what   Mr 
hiick,  yud  the  Fro(e..or,  I  M'i«h  with  allmy  Ct  the mai. 
damned  nutmeg.,  were  in  the  bottom  oftheLr  Tha    I 
he  hret  oath  I  ever  heerd  him  let  slip :  but  he  ^as  drea^lh 

and  tber  he  straightened  himself  up,  and  he  p^u    his  tnd 

our  Ways  will  nn  Innn-..^  u       """^  "^»  ">  out  i  am  afeared 
paths  nntZr^f^     ^  r  ^  "^"^^  ^^  pleasantness,  nor  our 

K  a  valuable  province  a  rp-,1  tl„r .         ■      '^"^''  *°y'  ^e, 

|he  like  „„  !,,",„.  h:';^ir;a: ;  r/r'  v r'' ^'" 

when  Captain  K„„eh  VVcn(,v„,  rovt .  I       a   '"«?.'*,°>' 

s:;tv  st  s:\fL  ^^^^" '» p'^-ffl'^ 


38 


THB   CLOCKMAKBR. 


1! 


r 


says  he,  1  didn't  get  on  airth  here  at  all,  but  I  came  fighf 
alap  through  it.  In  that  are  Niagara  dive,  I  went  so  ever* 
lasting  deep,  I  thought  it  was  just  as  short  to  come  up  tothef 
side,  so  out  I  came  in  those  parts.  If  I  don't  take  the  shine 
off  the  Sea  Serpent,  when  I  get  back  to  Boston,  then  my 
name's  not  Sam  Patch.)  Well,  says  I,  Professor,  send  fof 
Sam  Patch,  the  diver,  and  let  him  dive  down  and  stick  a 
torpedo  in  the  bottom  of  the  Province  and  blow  it  up;  or  if 
hat  won't  do,  send  for  some  of  our  steam  tow-boats  from 
our  great  Eastern  cities,  and  tow  it  out  to  sea ;  you  know 
there's  nothing  our  folks  can't  do,  when  they  once  fairly 
take  hold  on  a  thing  in  airnest. 

Well,  that  made  him  Ifiugh ;  he  seemed  to  forget  about 
the  nutmegs,  and  says  he,  that's  a  bright  scheme,  but  it 
Won't  do ;  we  shall  want  the  Province  some  day,,  and  1 
guess  We'll  buy  it  of  King  William ;  they  say  he  is  over 
head  and  ears  m  debt,  and  owes  nine  hundred  millions  of 
pounds  starling— we'll  buy  it  as  we  did  Florida.  In  the 
meantime  we  must  have  a  canal  from  Bay  Fundy  to  Bay 
Varte,  right  through  Cumberland  neck,  by  Shittyack,  foi 
our  fishing  vessels  to  go  to  Labradore.  I  guess  you  mus* 
ax  leave  first,  said  I.  That's  jist  what  I  was  cyphering 
at,  says  he,  when  you  came  in.  I  believe  we  won't  &% 
theni  at  all,  but  jist  fail  to  and  do  it ;  it^a  a  road  of  need 
ceasity.  I  once  heard  Chief  Justice  Marshall  of  Baltimore, 
say.  If  the  people's  h'ghway  is  dangerous — a  man  may 
take  down  a  fence— «ina  pass  through  the  fields  as  a  way 
of  needcessity  ;  and  we  shall  do  it  on  that  principle,  as 
the  way  round  by  Isle  Sable  is  dangerous.  I  wonder  the 
Novascotians  don't  do  it  for  their  own  convenience.  Said 
F,  it  would'nt  make  a  bad  speculation  that.  The  critters 
don't  know  no  better,  said  he.  Well,  says  I,  the  St.  John's 
folks,  why  don't  they?  for  they  are  pretty  cute  chaps 
Jhem. 

They  remind  me,  says  the  Professor,  of  Jim  Billings. 
Vou  knew  Jim  Billings,  didn't  you.  Mr.  Slick  ?  Oh  yes. 
Baid  I,  I  knew  him.  It  was  he  that  made  such  a  talk  by 
shipping  blankets  to  the  West  Indies.  The  same,  says  he 
Well,  I  went  to  see  him  the  other  day  at  Mrs.  Lecain'* 
Boarding  House,  and  sa\  s  I,  Billings,  you  have  a  nice  loca 


imii 


mm 


ssor,  send  fof 


THE  PREACHER  THAT  WAXDERED,  ETC.  39 

lion  here.     A  plagy  sight  too  nice,  said  he.     Marm  Lccain 
makes  such  an  eternal  touss  about  her  carpets,  thTt  I  hav^ 

cafs  tX       ^7 t'''»g  J'^ng  entry,  and  down  both  stau? 
cases,  to  the  street  door  to  spit ;  and  it  keeps  all  the  een 

LT>:^^/""r^.r'^  ^^^^'^  "^'^"^hs  full  all  day      Ihada 
real  bou  with  a  New  Yorker  this  morning,  I  run  down  t 
the  street  door,  and  afore  I  seed  any  body  a  coming  T  ll 

waistcoat.  Well,  he  makes  a  grab  at  me.  and  I  shnt^  tht 
door  right  to  on  his  wrist,  and  hooks  th^Lr  chain  tLhr 
and  leaves  him  there,  and  into  Marm  LecainTbeffm 

^aUteori^i"!  T^f  '"  "'=.''™^'  "^  "'her  foS 
waistcoats  in  the  street,  its  too  nice  a  lorntmn  r«^  ^     i 

g.;ess,  so  I  shall  up  killoch  and  offlloTrtTthe  r^'j 

RilHn '^'  fr  ^^^  P^°^essor,  the  St.  John's  folks  are  iist  like 

saled'him  an  T"  "'"^'  ^"^^  '^'^"^'^^  "^^  ^  sj^t  b^x  a„d 

canal  TnLv"T  J^Vr^'  "^  '^^  '''^^'  door-and  a 
canal  at  Bay  Varte  wou  d   save   the  St  Inhn'o    fxii     • 

voyage  all  round  Nova  Scotia.     Why,  they  »n'ti«.  »? 

bolomon,  said  the  Professor,  but  if  Solomon  in  «^l  k;      i 
was  not  arrayed  like  a  HIv  r.f  Ik     «  ij       •?  ^"  "*^  ^^^^y 

people.  thatf^«i%'r:rK"d"ATr.r^''*™^'' 

may  b^  he  .as  every  bit  «„„  lUZ'i^U'^^^'il' 
Wi.blick,  there  are  some  folks  who  think  «  fr^A  a  *, 
-0  .ay  but  little,  and  they  are  wise  folkt " 'n'd  ^It^ 


10 


THE    CLOCKMAKER. 


damk  fools.  ^'''      ^^  '"''  '"■""y  eonsidemble  superfn. 
And  with  that  he  turned  right  round,  and  sat  do™  to 


CHAPTER  IX. 

YANKEE  EATING  AND  HORSE  FEEDING. 

..S?y.  ^?y  T'  t^'  *S"  °^  Abernethy,  a  British  doctor? 
said  the  Clockmaker.  Frequently,  said  I,  he  was  an  emi- 
nent  man,  and  had  a  most  extensive  practice.  Well  1 
t'hf  hnnJS  Tm^  ^"Jg\r  critter  that,  he  replied,  he  treated 
the  hon  ble  Alden  Gobble,  secretary  to  our  legation  at 
London,  dreadfu  bad  once ;  and  I  guess  if  it  had  been  me 
he  had  used  that  way,  I'd  a  fixed  his  flint  for  him,  so  that 
he  d  thmk  twice  afore  he'd  fire  such  another  shot  as  that 
Z\1Ta  T\^^  "^^ke  tracks,  I  guess,  as  quick 

as  a  dog  does  a  hog  from  a  potatoe  field.  He'd  a  found 
his  way  out  of  the  hole  in  the  fence  a  plagy  sight  quicker 
than  he  came  in,  I  reckon.  ^   ''^    ^      ^ 

His  manner,  said  I,  was  certainly  rather  unceremonious 
at  times,  but  he  was  so  honest  and  so  straightforward,  that 
no  person  was,  I  believe,  ever  seriously  offended  at  him. 
I  was  his  way.  Then  his  way  was  so  plairuv  rruffh  con 
tinned  the  Clockmaker,  that  he'd  been  theUter,  ff  itZd 
been  hammered  and  mauled  down  smoother.  I'd  a  levelled 
him  as  flat  as  a  flounder.  Pray  what  was  his  offenr^e  1 
eaid  1.     iJad  enough  you  may  depend. 

The  hon'ble  Alden  Gobble  was  dyspeptic,  and  he  suf. 
ered  great  oneasiness  arter  eatin,  so  he  goes  to  Al)ernelhv 
lor  advice.  What's  the  matter  with  youfsaid  the  Doctor? 
J.St  that  way  without  even  passing  the  time  o'day  with 
n.m-what's  the  matter  with  you  ?  said  he.  Whv,  says 
Mden,  I  presume  I  have  the  dyspopsy.     Ah  •   said  ho   I 


ITAXKEE  EATIXO  AXD  HORSE  FEEDIiVG.  41 

«>c  ;  a  Yankee  swallowed  mom  h«m„-         i 
«.n  digest,     I  an,  an  llrfcan  ^Z  "ITZ  ""■"  "u' 
great  dim  ty  ;  I  am  S«rptnrv  ,!,  „""?"'  *';y«  Alden,  wcth 
of  St.  Jami;  The  S  Z  °  "'""  ^A^l'r  "'  "">  '^°»rt 
you'll  soon  get  rid  of  vour  dvi!'  '°"'  ^•^''"''"'y !  Ihen 
«n>  inference,  said  Alden      ,  ffiPSli     '  "'""  =«  «"" 
pi^dicato  at  kll— it  »,■„.»  „.;     ,  *>"<»«  from  what  you 
W  a  n>an  should  cS  e  to  te  m  T"^"™"* > .'  8"-a, 
y  the  voice  of  a  f^  and  „^i  L.  ^'^^  *«  "  """"i 
mportant  office.     fTte  truH,  H  I  ^"^  Pf° P'^  '°  «"  "" 
Alden  than  you  could  an  In2/    »"""  "°  "<"«  '™P 
follcs'  trail,  and  niar„on?him  T"  u  "^  '='"''''  ^  ""-e' 
list,  and  I  belt«,  oL  Ti    ^•"^■"  '"'  "»'  »  ^al  diploma- 
besl  in  the  woWd  )    Buf  f  tu™,' f  li"  ""r^''  '"  ^  "-e 

?ar.;'-eat;i£a'i=-  ^^  ^^  -^^^^ 

Sis«.t,  „o?imftt'  t  tiSt"eri'.t„o^t:„r  """"f  "■ 

your  teeth,  for  you  never  use  th.m  .  "'^^''  ^^^  ^^^^ 

for  you  overload  it ;  n^r  your  sa'Ji  ",?  ^^^^  ^^^g^^^ion, 

,    on  the  carpets,  instead  o/your  food      h'T  "^^"^.  ^* 

;    beastly.     You  Yankees  load  vn...    ?*     ^^l  d'sgusting,  its 

^    «l"re  man  does  his  S  arfnllT-/^'^"'^.^^'  ««  «  ^^^on- 

as  he  can  pitch  it  S  T  duL  V V' ^"  5^'^' «"^  ^«  ^^st 

then  you  cSmplain I't  sucTatad'^r  '"^^  "^'  «"^ 
heavy  for  you.  DysDensv  .K  »  •  ?  ^^.^^n^POst  is  toe 
•nean.  PH  fell  you  whTMr  S  ?^^'"^i  ^^"^^^'"g  >'«" 
«alf  the  time  to  Jat"  hat  yofdoHr'/^',"^  ^'^^'^^^  '^^^ 
hew  your  food  half  as  rnuH.«o.?'^'  °"^  your  words, 
nd  you'll  be  well  in  a  Zmh      ^°"  ^°  ^'""^  ^^'^^  '^^^<^-o^ 

asiwyrytraXrhL^  ^^^^  -^'^-'  i^or  he 

loar  ^rit-;  hi  LoL  wild  ut  ftl'  '"'^T^^"  ^«^'^-'' 

*tandluch  language,  Sir    I  fnV^i  1     ^"""'^  ^  ^°"'^  ""'^^r- 

he  Doctor,  why  its  plain  English  -but  L?^''''^*r^  '    '''^ 
4  #    -^       1         ^"oiisn  ,  but  here,  read  my  book 


tIMMIIlipBllllllilllimi 


42 


THE   CLOCKMAKER. 


—and  ho  shoved  a  book  into  his  hands  and  left  him  in  an 
instant,  standing  alone  in  the  middle  of  the  room. 

If  the  hon'ble  Aldcm  (^)bl)le  had  ^one  right  away  and 
demanded  his  passports,  and  returned 'iiome  with  the  Lcga- 
Ijon,  in  one  of  our  first  class  frigates,  (I  guess  the  English 
would  as  soon  see  pyson  as  one  o'  them  are  Serpents)  to 
Washington,  the  President  and  the  people  would  have  sus- 
amed  him  m  it,  I  guess,  until  .:  r^oljgy  was  offered  for 
the  insult  to  the  nat^ion.     I  gu  t  had  been  me,  sai 

Mr.  bhck,  I  d  a  headed  him  afo.  ,3  slipt  o"t  o'  the  door, 
and  pmned  him  up  agin  the  wall,  and  made  him  bolt  hia 
words  agin,  as  quick  as  he  throw'd  'em  up,  for  I  never 
see  d  an  Englishman  that  did'nt  cut  his  words  as  short  as 
he  does  his  horse's  tail,  close  up  to  the  stump. 

It  certainly  was  very  coarse  and  vulgar  language,  and 
1  think,  said  I,  that  your  Secretary  had  just  cause  to  be 
ottended  at  such  an  ungentlemaslike  attack,  although  he 
showed  hi3  good  sense  in  treating  it  with  the  contempt  it 
deserved.  It  was  plagy  lucky  for  the  doctor,  I  tell  you 
that  he  cut  his  stick  as  he  did,  and  made  himself  scarce,  for 
Alden  was  an  ugly  customer,  he'd  a  gin  him  a  proper  scald- 
ing— bed  a  taken  the  brissles  off  his  hide,  as  clean  as  the 

'Si,"  A.^Pr"«  ^^""^^  '^^'^  P'g  ^^"^*^  ^t  Christmas. 

Ihe  Clockmaker  was  evidently  excited  by  his  own  story, 
and  to  indemnify  himself  for  these  remarks  on  his  couii. 
trymen,  he  indulged  for  some  time  in  ridiculing  the  Nova 
bcotians.  ° 

Do  you  see  that  are  flock  of  colts,  said  he,  (as  we  passed 
one   of  those  beautiful  prairies  that  render  the  vallies  of 
Wova  Scotia  so  verdant  and  so  fertile,)  well,  I  guess  they 
keep  too  much  of  that  are  stock.     I  heerd  an  Indian  one 
day  ax  a  tavern  keeper  for  some  rum  ;  why,  Joe  Spaw- 
deeck,  said  he,  I  reckon  you  have  got  too  much  already, 
loo  much  of  any  thing,  said  Joe,  is  not  good,  but  too  much 
rutn  is  jist  enough.     I  guess  these  blue-noses  think  so  bou 
heir  horses,  they  are  fairly  eat  up  by  them,  out  of  house 
nd  nonrie,   and  they   are  no  good  neither.     They  beant 
ood  saddle  horses,  and  they  beant  good  draft  boasts— Ihev 
are  Jist  neither  one  thing  nor  ^other.     Thev  are  like  the 
drink  of  our  Connecticut  folks.     At  mowing  time  they  use 


VAWKEK  EATING    AND    HORSE    FEEDING.  43 

molasses  and  water,  nasty  stufT,  only  fit  to  catch  fliP^Jt 
spiU^s  good  water  and  makes  bkd  Lr.  Nolor^^rThe 
ioiU  are  poor.     Look  at  them  are  great  dykes  -Zufh 

blue-noses,   with   his   go-to-meetin  Tint  Jf       ^  ""^  ^^^'^ 

ll  tnpvd   Iroon  l^^„    1 .        «^    -^ 


Ihe  dyke,  »i,h  a  bridle  in  one  hand  S  u  *■?  «■*'  '"' 
another,  full  of  oa,s,  ,o  cateh  hS^tS  pl°  ''.""  P""  '" 
one  flock  of  horses,  and  then  toano'ter  to  1  ff  f^  '° 
find  his  own  critter.    At  Inct  h^    '"'"i|>er,  lo  see  il  he  can 

-ftly  up  to  him,  :Lktn  iflLX  :'„«d  a°cl'™'  k"''  «°^' 
list  as  he  ffoes  to  n.it  hi.  u      i         ,  •  ^  *  coaxm  him,  and 

flock,  and  (he;  set  a  thirf  off '  nS'™,' ,  ""f  ""'^  '"""^"' 
•on,  goes,  as  if  O'd  N  ck  waj^arter  ttjT  "^^  ™ 
to  t-o  or  .hrc«  hundred  in  a  d^r  '^.''.ll  ^^n.' 


iWMnmwiMi'iiiWiwii 


H 


THE   CLOCKMAKER. 


r._ 


dear  across  the  Tantramer  marsh,  seven  miles  good,  ovei 

ditches,  creeks,  mire  holes,  and  flag  ponds,  and  then  they 

»urn  and  take  a  fair  chase  for  it  Iiack  again  seven  mile^ 

more.     By  this  time,  I  presume  the>  are  all  pretty  consid- 

wably  well  tired,  and  Blue  Nose,  he  goes  and  gets  up  all 

ihe  men  folks  m  the  neighbourhood,  and  catches  his  beast, 

as  they  do  a  moose  arter  he  is  fairly  run  down  ;  so  he  runs 

jourteen  miles,  to  ride  two,  because  he  is  in  a  tarnation 

Hurry.     It  s  e  en  a  most  equal  to  eatin  soup  with  a  fork. 

when  you  are  short  of  time.     It  puts  me  in  mind  of  catch- 

ing  birds  by  sprmkhng  salt  on  their  tails ;  its  only  one 

horse  a  man  can  ride  out  of  half  a  dozen,  arter  all.     One 

has  no  shoes,  tother  has  a  colt,  one  arnt  broke,  another  has 

a  sore  back,  while  a  fifth  is  so  etarnal  cunnin,  all  Cumber- 

land  could  nt  catch  him,  till  winter  drives  him  up  to  the 

barn  for  food.  ^ 

Most  of  them  are  dyke  marshes  have  what  they  call 
honey  pots  ,n  em  ;  that  is  a  deep  hole  all  full  of  squash, 
where  you  can  t  find  no  bottom.  Well,  every  now  and 
hen,  wh,^n  a  feller  goes  to  look  for  his  horse,  he  sees  his 
tail  a  stickm  right  out  an  eend,  from  one  of  these  honey 
pots,  and  wavin  like  a  head  of  broom  corn  ;  and  sometimes 
you  see  two  or  three  trapped  there,  e'en  a  most  smothered 
everlastm'  tired,  half  swimmin,  half  wadin,  like  Tats  ^  a 
molasses  cask.     When  they  find  'em  in  that  are  pickle 

«n7h!?r  h     ^?  '""r'  ^^^  !'^  '^"^  ''^^'  ^^""^  their  necks 
and  half  hang  'em  to  make  'em  float,  and  then  haul  'em  out. 

Awful  looking  critters  they  be,  you  may  depend,  when  they 

do  come  out ;  for  all  the  world  like  half  droned  kittens^ 

all  shnkey  slimey— with  their  great  long  tails  glued  up  like 

a  swab  of  oakum  dipped  in  tar.     If  they  don't  look  foolish 

wU  ^'K^f'  '^y  ^"""  *^  nurse  these  critters  all 
winter,  with  hot  mashes,  warm  covering,  and  what  not,  and 
when  spring  comes,  they  mostly  die,  and  if  they  don't  thev 
are  never  no  good  arter.  I  wish  with  all  my  heart  half  th 
horses  in  the  country  were  barrelled  up  in  these  hem 
honey  pots,"  and  then  there'd  be  near  about  one  half  too 
many  left  for  profit.  Jist  look  at  one  of  these  barn  yarS 
m  the  sprmg-half  a  dozen  half-starved  colt.-,  with  their 
nuir  looking  a  thousand  ways  for  Sunday,  and  their  coat* 


thj:  road  to  a  woman  s  heart. 


45 


CHAPTER  X. 

THEROADTO  A  WOMAN'S  HEART-THE  BROKEN  HEART. 

As  we  approached  the  Inn  at  Amherst    th*>  Pi.  i       . 

grew  uneasy.     Its  orettv  w^ll  .rT  •    V?  '    ^  Clockmakei 

-id  he,  an^d  Mar  Jp^^wash  ras"^^^^^^^^^  ^  ^"^"' 

as  a  mornin  in  Anril  •  ;7c  In  ^nsartm  in  her  temper 

her,  and  if  she"s  t  on^  nfh  /""'^^"^  °'  ^"  ^^^"ds  with 
her' neck  and  hi  s  like  .1' ''"^''T^'  ^*^^'"  ^^^^^^h  ^ut 
I  wonder  what  on  'airth %  Jw?t  ""'^^  ^  i"^'^  «^  g««Ji^««- 
he  signed  articles   n?  nn  .^     u-^  '""^^  ^  ^^^"^^^  <>«.  when 

«he's'not  a  bad  lULSe'^n'r^r^  "f^^  ^^"^  ^^^  ^^^'"^n" 
proper  pity  sich  «  nf     ^        of  furniture  neither,  and  ils  a 

upper  lf;isTe   r^m tdf  mH?  ^^-'f,--y  such  a  ItiS 

Hopewell's  appleTrTes  "*"'  °'^   '^''''''^'  Joshua 

niXrltafa^t'tr^^^^^^^^  P-^-i-  good 

not,  and  the  orchard  S  was  1  h"^  ^-f*^'"'  «»^  ^^^t 
stretched  right  up ^i^^r::c^'' We  iMw'^ '°"^^) 
trees  hung  over  the  fence    1  nL  1  ^^^®  ^^^^®  some 

apples  hung  in  ropes  for^i  L       "ii.^^  ""^^  ^^^^^rs,  the 
and  the  fruk  wasKutiful      NnH'^  ^'^'  ^^^^^^^  ^^ '^"ions 
apples,  and  when  X   fol'ks  K^  'T^'^  ^^^  "^^"'«*-'« 
always  hung  there  like  S  to  a  hoJ"^  '  ^°^''  ^'''" 

o  much  as  a  nibble  at  Vrl      q    r^'  ^?  ^^^''^  "^^er  was 
Minister,  said  f,  how  on  airth 'dn       ^  '"'^  ^°  ^'"^  «"«  day 
fi'uit  that's  so  exDosId  vl  ^''^  '"^"«g«  ^o  keep  year 

^h,  says  heTh:;t:tea7funr  t'  ^^  '"  "  "°h«- 
guess,  said  I,  there  ant  The  fke  on  'em  fn     l/'n"'  '^^^  "  '^ 
el/,  says  he,  Til  tell  vou    hi  1"  .!."".'"  ''»"  Connecticut. 


^-.wt.i.^:^y::t:;^c;^j^°sf 


le< 


46 


THE  .CLOCKMAKER. 


HIa^?  °"^  ,?^?^  '!•  ^^""^  "'•^  ^o^  "e^t  the  fence,  I 
grafted  it  myself,  I  took  great  pains  to  get  the  right  kind. 
I  sent  clean  up  to  Roxberry  and  away  down  to  SqSaw-neck 
Creek  (I  was  afeared  he  was  a  goin  to  give  me  day  and 
date  for  every  graft,  being  a  terrible  long-winded  man  in 
his  stones,)  so  says  I,  I  know  that,  minister,  but  how  do 
^  you  preserve  them  ?  Why,  I  was  a  goin  to  lell  you,  said 
he,  when  you  stopped  me.  That  are  outward  row  ( 
grafted  myself  with  the  choicest  kind  I  could  find,  and  I 
succeeded.  They  are  beautiful,  but  so  etarnal  sour,  no 
human  soul  can  eat  them.  Well,  the  boys  think  the  old 
minister  s  graftin  has  all  succeeded  about  as  well  as  that 
row  and  they  sarch  no  farther.  They  snicker  at  my 
graftin,  and  I  laugh  m  my  sleeve,  I  guess,  at  their  penetra. 

Now,  Marm  Pugwash  is  like  the  Minister's  apples,  very 
ternptin  fruit  to  look  at,  but  desperate  sour.  If  Pu-^wash 
had  a  watery  mouth  when  he  married,  I  guess  its  pretty 
puckery  by  this  time.     However,  if  she  goes  to  act  ugly, 

frLT^  .  %t  '^T  ""-  '•^''^  "^^^^''''  t^«t  will  take  the 
trown  out  of  her  frontispiece,  and  make  her  dial-plate  as 
smooth  as  a  hck  of  copal  varnish.  Its  a  pity  she's  such 
a  kickm'  devil,  too,  for  she  has  good  points-good  eye- 
good  foot-neat  pastern— fine  chest-a  clean  set  of  limbs, 

wtTx:wTr';;;rdo.'"  '^^^  ^^  ^'^' "°-  ^-'"  - 

,  When  we  entered  the  house,  the  travellers'  room  was  all 
in  darkness,  and  on  opening  the  opposite  door  into  the 
sitting  room,  we  found  the  female  part  of  the  family  extin- 
puishmg  the  fire  for  the  night.  Mrs.  Pugwash  had  a  broom 
n  her  hand  and  was  m  the  act  (the  last  act  of  female 
housewifery)  of  sweepmg  the  hearth.  The  strong  flicker, 
ing  hgh  of  the  fire,  as  it  fell  upon  her  tall  fine  fiSum  and 
t)eautilul  face,  revealed  a  creature  worthy  of  the  Clock- 
maker's  comments. 

Good  evening  Marm,  said  Mr.  Slick,  how  do  you  do 
nnd  hows  Mr.  Pugwash?  He,  said  she,  why  he's  been 
abed  this  hour,  you  don't  expect  to  disturb  him  this  time  o( 
night  1  hope.  Oh  no,  said  Mr.  Slick,  certainly  not,  and  1 
am  sorry  to  have  disturbed  you,  but  we  got  detained  longei 


next  the  fence,  I 

Jt  the  right  kind, 

n  to  Squaw-neck 

give  me  day  and 

g-winded  man  in 

ster,  but  how  do 

I  to  tell  you,  said 

outward  row  ( 

jould  find,  and  I 

Btarnal  sour,  no 

^s  think  the  old 

as  well  as  that 

snicker  at  my 

at  their  penetra- 

jr's  apples,  very 
ir.  If  Pug  wash 
guess  its  pretty 
>es  to  act  ugly, 
it  will  take  the 
ler  dial-plate  as 
pity  she's  such 
its — ^good  eye — 
m  set  of  limbs, 
,  now  you'll  see 

s'  room  was  all 
!  door  into  the 
le  family  extin- 
sh  had  a  brooin 
;  act  of  female 

strong  flicker- 
fine  figure  and 

of  the  Clock. 

ow  do  you  do 
why  he's  been 
lim  this  time  oi 
nly  not,  and  1 
ietained  longei 


THE  ROAD  TO  A  WOMAJtN    HEART.  47 

Ihan  we  expected ;  I  am  sorrv  thnt   *  c  r       . . 

•ny  little  man.  aM  ahake  hLda  a  tot  t^"^^    "" 

children  are  an  as  paira,7alk'r»  •    T"^  '"  ■"«•  "■« 
Lord,  that  areIittirfeire/w„uWteaT»-''''"''"'"8»- 

Pnce  in  a  monthVsunS  Js'^'SL  r^^^^^^^^  l^^^'''^'  ^-e 
mmma's  eyes  too,  and  black  ha  r  au7  !""t  me  see~ah 
Kou  are  mamma's'  own  boy:   hT  very 'iml'"' ?''""'  ""^^ 

|ontinued.    Wei  ,TnWet'rerr^to^  ^'-^^^^  ^^ 

face,  and  have  it  put  on  my  dock?  and'i"'^^^'".!/^"' 

>he  clocks  for  the  sake  oHhe  face  '  m  von  ^^^'  '''"  ''"/ 

^e,  again  addressing  me,  such  a  likl^      Vf  '^'  "^'^ 

liuman  and  another  as  bptxvln  .1,^  L^"^f   hetyveen  one 

bis  mother?   I  am    um^oXv    I'  5^^"'^^"'  '^^"^^  ^"^  ^^^ 

Pugwash  to  meTvou  m^ust  tl^      ""^  '"^P""'  ^^^^^^s. 

vill  get  you  a  cup  of  tea     T«^  ^""^'^  ""'^  ^^^^y*  too~I 

>roub1e,  Ld  r    Vot  the  leasT  ZV-^''U^''  ««  *""<^h 

fepHed,onthecontr:rA%tsur'''  "  ^'^  "°^'^'  ^^^ 

Proceed  without^he^littL  b^v  and  I^r^^'t.^  ^-^  ^°"^^  ««t 
-n  his  age  and  c:nSeX  ask  '^^  ch,  d1/',  T^l 
ny  aunts  that  looked  like  mamma    "  ''^  ^'^  ^^^ 


48 


THE   CLOCKMAKKR. 


:    ( 


As  the  door  clasod,  Mf.  Slick  said,  its  a  pity  she  don't 
go  well  m  gear.     The  difficult;,  with  those  cr'ltter    is  U.  gi 

Hnn^    h    T'^  '"''"'  '^'^t  '^'•'•^  '^  "°  ^^«"ble  with  them  if  yo 
don  t  check  'em  too  short.     If  you  do  they'll  ston  alain 
run  back  and  kick  like  mad,  and  then  oTd  NL7hrse  ' 
wouldnt  start  'em.     Pugwash,  I  guess,  don't  understand 
him"    "^A.?;  ^""^^^S«'"  »--/^o  kind  in  harness  lb, 
AT;     7     ^J  r  **  ''^*'^'  *«'^  '*«  Clockmaker,  I  always 
feel  safe  with  these  women  folk  y  for  I  have  always  fZnd 
that  the  road  to  a  woman^s  leart  Ls  through  her  child 
r  mnTi'noT'  T     •  ^"^  ""^'«''«'and  the  fnmale  heart  so  well, 
\  make  no  doubt  you  are  a  general  Hivourite  among  the  fair 
sex.     Any  man,  he  replied,  that  understands  horses    has  a 
pretty  considerable  fair  knowledge  of  women,  for  the^  are 
.  J.st  alike  m  temper,  and  require  the  very  identical  same 

Vnr!  -^'^f  ^^^*'  bvt  lather  the  sulky  ones  like  blazes.  ^ 
People  talk  an  everlastin  sight  of  nonsense  about  wine 
women,  and  horses.     I'ye  bought  and  sold  'cm  all.    Vo 
raded  m  all  of  them,  and  I  tell  you,  there  aim  one  in  a 
thousand  that  knows  a  grain  about  either  on  'em      You 
hear  folks  say,  Oh,  such  a  man  is  an  ugly  grained^critter 
ho  1  break  h,s  wife's  heart ;  jist  as  if  a  woman's  heart  was' 
as  brittle  as  a  pipe  stalk.     The  female  heart,  as  far  as  mv 
experience  goes,  is  jist  like  a  new  India  Rubber  shoe  f  Z 
may  pull  and  pull  at  it  till  it  stretches  out  a  yard  W  ind 
^en   let  go,  and  it  will  fly  right  back  to  its  old  !ha^ 
Their  hearts  are  made  of  stout'leather,  I  tell  you ;  therS 
a  plaguy  sight  of  wear  in  'em.  ^      ' 

I  never  knowed  but  one  case   of  a  broken  heart    and 
that  was  m  tother  sex,  one  Washington  Banks.     He  wa 
a  sneezer.     He  was  tall  enough  to  spit  down  on  the  held 
of  your  grenadiers,  and  near  about  hL^h  cnouc^h  to  wad. 
across  Charlestown  River,  and  as  strong  as  a  tow  boat 
I  guess  he  was  somewhat  less  than  a  foot^Ion.4  than  the 
moral  law  and  catechism  too.     He  was  a  perfect  pkZ  of 
a  man  ;  you  could'nt  fait  him  in  no  particular  he  was  s 
just  a  made  critter ,-  folH  used  to  run  to  the  v  inder  when 

tT"\  "t  rj.^h^r^  g«-  Washington  Banks,  iLnt  h 
rovelv  .     .   ^n   believe  there  was'nt  a  gall  in  the  Lowcl' 


THE  ROAD  TO  A  WOMAN's  HEART.  10 

ln:tones,  that  warnt  in  love  with  him.  Sometimes,  at 
i/Uormission,  on  Sabbath  days,  when  they  all  came  out 
together,  (an  amazm  hansom  sight  too,  near  about  a  whole 
congregation  of  young  galls)  Banks  used  to  say,  ♦!  vow. 
young  ladies,  I  wish  I  had  five  hundred  arms  to  reciprocate 
one  with  each  of  you;  but  I  reckon  I  have  a  heart  h'm 
enough  for  you  all ;  it's  a  whapper,  you  may  dependT 
and  every  mite  and  morsel  of  it  at  your  service.'  Well 
now  do  you  act,  Mr  Banks,  half  a  thousand  little  clippe' 
clapper  tongues  would  say,  all  at  the  same  time,  and  Mioi 
clear  liitle  eyes  sparklin,  like  so  many  stars  twinklin  of  a 
frosty  night. 

Well,  when  I  last  see'd  him,  he  was  all  sitin  and  bone. 
like  a  horse  turned  out  to  die.  He  was  teetotally  defleshed. 
a  mere  walkin  skeleton.  I  am  dreadful  sorry,  suys  I.  to 
see  you  Banks,  lookin  so  peecked;  why  you  look  like  a 
sick  turkey  hen,  all  legs;  what  on  airth  ails  you?  I  am 
dym,  says  he,  of  a  broken  heart.     What,  says  I,  have  the 

as   hMtT-Al  '"  ^w  n  ^°'  T'.^^y^  ^^'  ^  ^^"^  '^^^  «  fool 

a  on  ?    No,  says  he,  shakin  his  head,  I  hope  I  have  too 

•nucn  clear  grit  m  me  to  take  on  so  bad  for  that.     What 

utTth  V""' »«  it,  then?  said  I.     Why,  says  he,  I  made 

hnt  1        Z^  part  of  summer  with  Leflenant  Oby  Knowles, 

^11   7^  '^'""'u''  1^^  ^''  ^^^^  °^  ^^^  Constitution 
frigate.   I  won  my  bet,  but  the  Anchor  was  so  etarml  heavy 

It  Me  my  heart     Sure  enough  he  did  die  that  very  falL 

and^he  was  the  only  mstance  I  ever  heerd  tell  of  a  broken 


•0 


TUB   CLOCKMAKKR 


.      i 


.)    1 


CHAPTER  XI. 

CUMaEHLAND  OVSTERS  PRODUCE  MELANCHOLY  FOHE. 

B0DING8. 

Thh  «,o/i  sawder'  of  the  Clockmaker  had  operate 

lectuallv  on  tlm  l^mitM  «r  a«>i, 4  ..._  i...  ,    .  "*;*•*""' 

nostess  ol 

with  Mr 

,1  :i  1 »  r       li'^  ",«""  '"  "  """•""  a  neari  jies  through  her 

rea^rhe^ir£?or  ^^^ "'"  '^'^ ''  ^^^  ^^-^^^  '^ 

wW  ?K  T''"^' """  *i"^  ^^'"'"^"°  su..7eptibility  to  fluitery. 
when  the  door  opened,  and  Mrs.  Pugwash  entered  dressed 
m  her  s wee  est  smi  es  and  her  best  cap.  an  auxiliary  by  no 

when  unclouded,  are  unrivalled  in  splendour.  Approaching 
nje.  she  said,  with  on  irresistible  smile,  Would  you  like 
»    777*  ^^*'°    n!^"^  ^^^  ^  P^"se,  a  hiatus,  evidently  in. 

know.  1""!  1  ''^  "S  ''l'^  "^y  "^"^«'  '>"^  '^^'  ««  person 
HnS  r  '^'^  '"'""^  *^°y  '*^^"  '•  °^  ^fc^i^^'v's  Hotel,  in 
Haljlax,  1  was  known  as  the  stranger  in  No.'l.  The  at 
lention  that  incognito  procured  for  me.  the  importance  il 
gave  me  in  the  eyes  of  the  master  of  the  house.^its  lodger* 
and  servants,  is  indescribable.  It  is  only  great  people  who 
ravel  incog.    State  travelling  is  inconvenient  and  slow 

h^  lZT?u  """"f]'  ^^  f""'""  """^  ^^>^»^«e  oppresses  at  once 
the  strength  and  the  spirits.  It  is  pleasant  t^  travel  unob- 
served, to  tjtand  at  ease,  or  exchan^ro  the  full  suit  for  the 
undress  coat  and  fatigue  jacket.  Wherever,  too,  there  s 
mystery  tJiere  is  importance ;  there  is  no  knowiiij  for  whom 
i  may  be  mistakcn-but  let  me  once  give  mv  humble  co«. 
nomen  and  occupation,  and  I  sink  immediately  to  my  own 
evel  to  plebeian  station  and  a  vulgar  name ;  not  even  mv 

Z  olnVmof^  ""'  '^v  inquisitive  friend,  the  ClockmakeiN 
>vho  calls  me  «  bquuY^,'  shall  extract  that  secret !)     Would 

you  hke,  Mr. ,  Indeed  I  would,  says  I,  Mrs.  Pu^nvu" 

oray  be  seated,  and  tell  ire  what  it  is."^  VVould  you  1  ko  J 


CUMUKKLANU   OYSTERS,    ETC. 


61 


[IOI.Y  KOHli 


had  operato 
)ly  hostess  ol 
ink  with  Mr 
J  through  her 
16  praises  he- 

y  to  flattery, 
tered  dressecJ 
xiliary  by  no 
Italian  sky, 
Approaching 
u!d  you  like 
evidently  in- 
at  no  person 
^'s  Hotel,  in 
1.    The  at. 
nportance  it 
»,  its  lodgers 
'■  people  who 
:  and  slow ; 
sses  at  once 
ravel  unob- 
suit  for  the 
oo,  there  is 
■  g  for  whom 
lumble  cog. 
to  my  own 
lot  even  my 
'lockmaker, 
!)     Would 
.  Pugwush  ; 
von  like  u 


dish  of  suiKM-ior  ShittyackH  fur  supper  ?  Indeed  I  would, 
suid  I,  ajvin  laughing;  but  pray  tell  mo  what  it  is?  Laws 
mo .'  said  she  with  a  stare,  where  have  you  been  all  vour 
days,  that  you  never  heard  of  our  Shittyack  Oysters'?  1 
♦bought  every  body  had  hcerd  of  them.  I  beg  pardon,  said 
I,  but  I  understood  at  Halifax,  that  the  only  Oysters  in  this 
Dart  of  the  world  were  found  on  the  shores  of  Prince  Edward 
Island.  Oh !  dear  no,  said  our  hostess,  they  are  found  all 
along  the  coast  from  Shittyack,  through  Bay  of  Vartes, 
away  to  Ramshag.  The  latter  we  seldom  get,  though  the 
best ;  there  is  no  regular  conveyance,  and  when  they  do 
come,  they  are  generally  shelled  and  in  kegs,  and  never  in 
good  order.  I  have  not  had  a  real  good  Ramshag  in  my 
house  these  two  years,  since  Governor  Maitland  was  here  ; 
he  was  amazing  fond  of  them,  and  Lawyer  Talkemdeaf 
sent  his  carriage  there  on  purpose  to  procure  them  fresh 
for  him.  Now  we  can't  get  them,  but  we  have  the  Shitty, 
acks  in  perfection ;  say  the  word  and  they  shall  be  served 
up  immediately. 

A  good  dish  and  an  unexpected  dish  is  most  acceptable, 
and  certainly  my  American  friend  and  myself  did  ample 
justice  to  the  oysters,  which,  if  they  had  not  so  classical 
a  name,  have  quite  as  good  a  flavour  as  their  far-famed 
brethren  of  Milton.  Mr.  Slick  eat  so  heartily,  that  when 
he  resumed  his  conversation,  he  indulged  in  the  most  me- 
lancholy forebodings. 

Did  you  see  that  are  nigger,  said  he,  that  removed  the 
oyster  shells  ?  well  he's  one  of  our  Chesapickers,  one  of 
General  Cuffy's  slaves.  I  wish  Admiral  Cockburn  had  a 
taken  them  all  off  our  hands  at  the  same  rate.  We  made 
a  pretty  good  sale  of  them  are  black  cattle,  I  guess,  to  the 
British ;  I  wish  we  were  well  rid  of  'em  all.  The  Blacks 
and  the  Whites  in  the  States  show  their  teeth  and  snarl, 
they  are  jist  ready  to  fall  to.  The  Protestants  and  Catho- 
lics begin  10  lay  back  their  cars,  and  turn  tail  for  kickin. 
I  he  Aboltttomsts  and  Planters  are  at  it  like  two  bulls  in  a 
pastur.  Mob-Law  and  Lynch-Late  are  working  like  yeast 
m  a  barrel,  and  frothing  at  the  bunghole.  Nullification 
and  lartff  are  like  a  charcoal  pit,  all  covered  up,  but 
Durnmg  inside,  and  sending  out  smoke  at  every  crack, 


II 


6S 


THE  OLOCKMAKER. 


enough  to  Stifle  a  horse.  General  Gwernnient  and  Statt 
^-■overnmmt  every  now  and  then  square  off  and  spar,  and 
the  first  blow  given  will  bring  a  genuine  set-to.  Surplus 
Revenue  is  another  bone  of  contention ;  like  a  shin  of  beef 
tJ.rown  among  a  pack  of  dogs,  it  will  set  the  whole  on  Wi 
by  the  ears.  ^^" 

You  have  heerd  tell  of  cotton  ra^^s  dipt  in  turnentinfl 
..avn't  you  how  they  produce  combustion  1    WeSTS 

n?  t^'l  A  ^'^™^"*l  ""^  spontaneous  combustion  amona 
us  in  abundance ;  when  it  does  break  out,  if  you  don? 
see  an  eruption  of  human  gore  worse  than  Etna  lava,  then 
I  m  mistaken.  There'll  be  the  very  devil  to  pay,  tha  's  a 
f  J  ^ir'i'^^  Wacks  will  butcher  the  Southern  wh  tL 
and  the  Northerners  will  have  to  turn  out  and  brche; 
^em  again  .  and  all  this  shoot,  hang,  cut,  stab,  and  burn 

tliat  of  a  dog— It  fairly  makes  me  sick  to  think  on  it.  The 
explosion  may  clear  the  air  again,  and  all  be  tranquil  once 
more,  but  its  an  even  chance  if  it  don't  leave  us  the  three 

ZtlTlZ^eT ''  "^  '^^^"  ^'^  '^^'^  '^  ^  -^^«<^ " 

M.5  1!"'^  ^^  P'''*"''®  y®"  ^*^®  '^^^^  ^  in«^eed  true  to  na- 
ture  how  does  your  country,  said  I,  appear  so  attractive 
as  to  draw  to  it  so  large  a  portion  of  ouV  population  ?  It 
ante  its  attraction,  said  the  Clockmaker ;  its  nothing  bu 
ts  power  of  suction ;  it  is  a  great  whirlpiol-a  grJyZ 
tex-it  drags  a  1  the  straw  and  chips,  and  floating  sticks, 

?n  n  Tt^  ^  *'^?  ^°i*'  ^*-     T^«  «"»*"  crafts  are^  sucked 
n,  and  whirl  round  and  round  like  a  squirrel  in  the  cage- 

ihey  1  never  come  out.    Bigger  ones  pass  through  at  cer- 
an  times  of  tide,  and  can  come  in  and  out  with  good  pi- 
lotage,  as  they  do  at  Hell  Gate  up  the  Sound.  ^ 

You  astonish  me,  said  I,  beyond  measure;  both  vouj 
previous  conversations  with  me,  and  the  concurrent  testi 
mony  of  all  my  friends  who  have  visited  the  States,  give  » 
different  view  of  it.  YourJHends/  said  the  Clockmaker 
with  such  a  tone  of  ineffable  contempt,  that  I  felt  a  stronp 
inclination  to  knock  him  down  for  his  insolence-you? 
friends  I  Ensigns  and  leflenants,  I  guess,  from  the  British 
maichin   regiments  m  the  Colonies,  that  run  over  f  « 


CUMBERLAND  OYSTERS,  ETC. 


53 


rhousand  miles  of  country  in  five  weeks,  on  leave  of  ab 
sence,  and  then  return,  looking  as  wise  as  ihe  monkey 
that  had  seen  the  world.     When  they  get  back  they  are  so 
chock  full  of  knowledge  of  the  Yankees,  that  it  runs  over 
of  Itself,  like  a  hogshead  of  molasses,  rolled  about  in  hot 
weather— a  white  froth  and  scum  bubbles  out  of  the  bung  ; 
wishywashy  trash  they  call  tours,  sketches,  travels,  letters, 
and  what  not ;  vapid  stuff,  jist  sweet  enough  to  catch  flies, 
cockroaches,  and  half-fledged  galls.     It  puts  me  in  mind 
of  my  French.     I  larnt  French  at  night  school  one  winter 
of  our  minister  Joshua  Hopewell  (he  was  the  most  lamed 
man  of  the  age,  for  he  taught  himself  een  amost  every 
language  m  Europe ;  well,  next  spring,  when  I  went  to 
Boston  I  met  a  Frenchman,  and  I  began  to  jabber  away 
b  rench  to  him :  « Polly  woes  a  french  shay,'  says  I.     I 
dbn  t  understand  Yankee  yet,  says  he.     You  don't  under- 
stand !  says  I,  why  its  French.     I  guess  you  didn't  expect 
o  hear  such  good  French,  did  you,  away  down  east  here? 
but  we  speak  it  real  well,  and  its  generally  allowed  we 
speak  English,  too,  better  than  the  British.     Oh,  says  he 
you  one  very  droll  Yankee,  dat  very  good  joke,  Sare  ;  you 
idlk  Indian  and  call  it  French.    But,  says  I,  Mister  Mount- 
bhear,  it  is  French,  I  vow;  real   merchantable,   without 
fvainy  edge  or  shakes— all  clear  stufl";  it  will  pass  survey 
in  any  market— its  ready  stuck  and  seasoned.     Oh,  very 
Ike,  says  he,  bowin  as  polite  as  a  black  waiter  at  New 
Orleens,  very  like,  only  I  never  heerd  it  afore;  oh,  very 
good  French  dat-c/car  stvf,  no  doubt,  but  I  no  under- 
stand—Its  all  my  fault,  I  dare  say,  Sare. 

Thinks  I  to  myself,  a  nod  is  as  good  as  a  wink  to  a  blind 
horse,  I  see  how  the  cat  jumps— Minister  knows  so  many 
languages  he  hant  been  particular  enough  to  keep  'em  in 
sei,arate  parcels,  and  mark 'em  on  the  back,  and  they've 
got  mixed,  and  sure  enough  I  found  my  French  was  so 
verrun  with  other  sorts,  that  it  was  better  to  lose  the  whole 
crop  than  to  go  to  weedin,  for  as  fast  as  I  puHed  up  any 
strange  seedhn.  It  would  grow  right  up  agin  as  quSk  as 
wmk,  if  there  was  the  least  bit  of  root  in  the  worla  left  in 
Uie  ground,  so  I  left  it  all  to  rot  on  the  field. 
5  * 


54 


THB   CLOCKMAKER. 


I 


There  is  no  way  so  good  to  larn  PVench  as  to  live  among 
*em,  and  if  you  want  to  understand  us,  yen  must  live  among 
us,  too  ;  your  Halls,  Hamiltons,  and  De  Rouses,  and  sucli 
critters,  what  can  they  know  of  us  I    Can  a  chap  catch  a 
likeness  flying  along  the  railroad?  can  he  even  see  the 
featurs  ?    Old  Admiral  Anson  once  axed  one  of  our  folks 
afore  our  gloi-ious  Revolution,  (if  the  British  had  a  know 
us  a  little  grain  better  at  that  time,  they  wouldn't  have  go 
whipped  like  a  sack  as  they  did  then)  where  he  come  from 
From  the  Chesapeeke,  said  he.     Aye,  aye,  said  the  Ad. 
miral,  from  the  West  Indies.     I  guess,  said  thp  Southanur 
you  may  have  been  clean  round  the  tcor J||^dmiral.  but 
you  have  been  plaguy  little  in  it,  not  to  know  better  nor 
that. 

I  shot  a  wild  goose  at  River  Philip  last  year,  v/ith  the 
rice  of  Varginey  fresh  in  his  crop  ;  he  must  have  cracked 
on  near  about  as  fast  as  them  other  geese,  the  British 
•  ravellers.  Which  know'd  the  most  of  the  country  they 
passed  over,  do  you  suppose  ?  I  guess  it  was  much  of  a 
muchness  —  near  about  six  of  one,  and  half  a  dozen  of 
tother ;  two  eyes  aint  much  better  than  one,  if  they  are 
both  blind. 

No,  if  you  want  to  know  all  about  us  and  the  blue  noses 
(a  pretty  considerable  share  of  Yankee  blood  in  them  too,  1 
tell  you ;  the  old  stock  comes  from  New  England,  and  the 
breed  is  tolerable  pure  yet,  near  about  one  half  apple  sarce, 
and  tother  half  molasses,  all  except  to  the  Easterd,  where 
there  is  a  cross  of  the  Scotch,)  jist  ax  me  and  I'll  tell  you 
candidly.     I'm  not  one  of  them  that  can't  see  no  good 
points  in  my  neighbor's  critter,  and  no  bad  ones  in  my 
own ;  I've  seen  too  much  of  the  world  for  that  I  guess 
Indeed,  in  a  general  way,  I  praise  other  folks'  beasts,  and 
keep  dark  about  my  own.    Says  I,  when  I  meet  Blue  Noses 
mounted,  that's  a  real  smart  horse  of  yourn,  put  him  out,  1 
guess  he'll  trot  like  mad.     Well,  he  lets  him  have  the  spur 
and  the  critter  does  his  best,  and  then  I  pass  him  like  a 
treak  of  lightning  with  mine.     The  feller  looks  all  taken 
back  at  that.     Why,  says  he,  that's  a  real  clipper  of 
yourn,  I  vow.     Middlin,  says  I,  (quite  cool,  as  if  I  had 
heerd  that  are  same  thing  a  thousand  times,)  he's   good 
enough  for  me,  jist  a  fair  trotter,  and  nothing  to  brag  of 


THE   AMERICAN    EAGLE. 


56 


That  goes  near  about  as  far  agin  in  a  general  way,  as  a 
crackin  and  a  boastm  does.  Never  tell  folks  you  can  go 
ahead  on  em,  but  do  it;  it  spares  a  great  deal  of  talk,  and 
helps  them  to  save  their  breath  to  cool  their  broth. 

No,  if  you  want  to  know  the  inns  and  the  outs  of  the 
i  ankees— I  ve  wintered  them  and  summered  them ;  I  know 
a  1  their  pomts,  shape,  make,  and  breed ;  I've  tried  'era 
alongside  of  other  folks,  and  I  know  where  they  fall  shoi^ 
where  they  mate  'em,  and  where  they  have  the  advantage 
about  as  well  as  some  who  think  they  know  a  plagy  silit 
more.    It  tante  them  that  stare  the  most,  that  see  the  Ss 
always  I  gujgs.     Our  folks  have  their  faults,  and  I  know 
them,  (I  wartTBorn  blind  I  reckon,)  but  youi-  friends  t hi 
tour  writers  are  a  little  grain  too  trd  oTus.     Our' dd 
nigger  wench  had  several  dirty,  ugly  lookin  children,  and 
was  proper  cross  to  'em.     Mother  used  to  say,  Jum^Us 

tTgT^  '"  ""^'  "  '^'^^'  "^'^  "'  «'^'  ^  ^'^>  '*««    0 


CHAPTER  XII. 

THE  AMERICAN  EAGLE. 

JisT  look  out  Of  the  door,  said  the  Clockmaker,  and  see 
what  a  beautiful  night  it  is,  how  calm,  how  stilirC  ciS 
it  IS,  beant  it  lovely  ?-I  like  to  look  up  at  them  are  sl« 
when  I  am  away  from  home,  they  put  me  in  miSof  our' 
national  flag,  and  it  is  generally  nllowed  to  be  the  firs  flag 
m  the  univarse  now.    The  British  can  whip  all  the  world 
and  we  can  whip  the  British.     Its  near  about  the  prluiesl 
3ight  I  know  of,  is  one  of  our  first  class  frigates  manm5 
wi th^our  free  and  enlightened  citizens,  all  reaSy  foVTea     U 
|s  like  the  great  American  Eagle,  on  its  perciTalancino 
ifself  for  a  start  on  the  broad  expanse  of  blue  sky  afeS 
of  nothin  of  Its  kind,  and  president  of  all  it  surveys.'  hwel 
n  ^d  emblem  that  we  chose,  warn't  it  ? 

There  was  no  evading  so  direct,  and  at  the  same  iimf, 
«o  conceited  an  appeal   as  this.     Certainly  saiTi;  The 


4fl 


THE   CLOCKMAKER. 


emblem  w:is  well  rho<;pn      T  ,„r.„  '      *•     i     i 

U  on  o^e,.v.„g  .,.e  SX  on'  .T.  StllXit.lS 

lis  a  common  phrase,  said  he  rmri/tf^M?^^*  --.       s 

TnofurTr'  to  say  ^  damn  yout^b^^liPi^^^^^ 

ts  natural  for  you  to  say  so  of  the  buttons  of  Ir  nazals 

guess  you  have  a  right  to  that  are  oath      Tf=  7  I 

ject,  that  I  reckon,  and  I  belfeve  I  had'nt  oLht Th.   ' 

spoken  of  t  to  vou  at  ^H      R^o„  •    "^^ani  ought  to  have 

fast  is  a  better  one  ^  ''  ^  ^°°^  ^^S'  ^^'  ^'^^^ 

honorable  ambition  arter  all  hnf  TiTI  n  °'  "^  *" 

wljat  they  cat,  rfn     Tk       '  .         •      '''««-n<'ses  wont  try 
hnlk/r  ?k         ■        ^''^5'  put  me  in  mind  of  a  great  bii 

head  r:  „i':s  i^^^^T^  ^:^  ZTs'V^Z  '' 

Jiatrrrst-rti^afrTi^^^^^^^ 


THE    AMERrCAlV    EAGLE.  gy 

itq  fl  ni"Hr »    Tu       iL  '♦""*'^"»     »>eii,  It  this  aintdull  musiV 
board  pokin  fu7arhim,'7„d  a"k  L  irif  ho'h^  '""'^  °5 

''^t£  '^'■'^  •»?- or  i.:!c.s'  aXr  "^  ^'-™'  I'" 

of  sight ;  vet  thfv  E  ^Z      ,       I  "®  ""^  ^o  ^"■''s'  out 

'a  raiL.dft3s,'rd<s.  v'„rt/r  :„"'e^  *'■»'  «->' 

or  heerd  tell  of  one  or  tnthJ\.r*u  r "    ^"^  ®^^'  seed 

folks  like  Imexcentlhr^^^^^^^  }  never  seed  any 

much  as  IcSk-S  hlvn'S^.''  T^  '^7  T"^  ^^^"  «° 
the  world;  from  S  nni  r  ""r^^^^^^  of  curiosity  in 
(they  are  reSl  tnds  7.^  tLrTd^f J!! 
hinratt'lXr^'^^'  ^^^^  -»  ^-"''  -het   etry 

I  S^eVce^o^t"^^^^^^^^^^^^  an  lo.r  i^^^^^^^^^^^        -- 

I  folks  are  lost  f^^m  havKo^^^^^^^      h"^  ^^PPf  -^^-^'^ 

I  same  1    Thinks  I,  thHay  l^^^   "^  Du  J?'^  "^  I^^ 

U  ant  sense,  dont  extremes  mVet  7  ^Noi   1^0^?^^'  ^"* 

ave  no  motion  in  Vm  no  Jr,7      -  '   .  ^^  t^l>'c.TOies 

luuon  in  em,  no  enterprise,  no  fp'-r-'t,  :<^^  »f  ^vw 


f)8 


THE   CLOCKMAKEK. 


1      li 


i 


crittrn'  shows  any  symptoms  of  activity,  thoy  say  lie  is  n 
inun  of  no  judgment,  he's  speculative,  he's  a  schemer,  in 
short,  he's  mad.  Thcv  vegetate  like  a  lettuce,  plant  in 
sarce  garden,  they  grp\r  tall  and  spindlin,  run  to  seed  right 
off,  grow  as  bitter  as'gauljUind  die. 

A  gall  once  came  to  oufminister  to  hire  ?^s  a  house  help 
says  she,  Minister,  I  suJIpOse  ypiU  don't  v^nlliyoi^ng.  lady 

meant,  • 

worms.) 

cheek, 

lea- 

lUght 

at  a^l,  1 


to  do  chamber  business  and  bcp'edjiV 
I've  half  a  mind  to  tt^e  a  spell^  «^ 
said  the  clockmakei*, 'ncose  wo 
My  pretty  maid^,  says  he,  ^ 
(for  I've  often  wjserved  oltt  men 
sant  to  women,)  my  pretty  Jjnftitlcn 
up?  Why.  says  she,  I  guess  I  warn't  brou 
growd  up.  Under  what  platform,  s^s  he,  (for  he  wasfvery 
particular  that  all  hig,.housc  helps  ^o'uld  go  to  his  meetin,) 
under  what  Ohurch  platform  ?  Church  platform,  says  she, 
with  a  toss  of  her  head,  like  a  young  colt  that  gj^t  a  check 
,  of  the  curb,  I  guess  I  warn't  raised  under  a  platform  at  all, 
but  in  as  good  a  house  as  yourn,  gran(f  as  you  be.— 
You  said  well,  said  the  old  minister,  quite'shocked,  when 
you  said  you  growd  up,  dear,  for  you  have  grown  up  in 
great  ijrnorance.  Then  I  guess  you  had  Ixjtier  get  a  lady 
that  knows  more  than  me,  says  she,  that's  ^t.  I  reckon 
I  am  every  bit  and  grain  as  good  as  you,^ — If  I  don't 
understand  a  bum-byx  (silk  wpwn)  both  feedin,  breedin, 
and  rearin,  then  I  want  to  know  who  does,  that's  all , 
chjrch  platform,  indeed,  says  she,  I  guess  you  were 
raised  under  a  glass  frame  in  March,  and  transplanted  on 
Independence  day,  warn't  you  ?  And  off  she  sot,  lookin 
as  scorncy  as  a  London  lady,  and  leavin  the  poor  minister 
standin  starin  like  a  stuck  pig.  Well,  well,  says  he,  a 
liftin  up  both  hands,  and  turnin  up  the  whites  of  his  eyes 
like  a  duck  in  thunder,  if  that  don't  bang  the  bush  I !  It 
fcarly  beats  sheep  shearin,  after  the  blackberry  bushes 
have  got  the  wool.  It  does,  I  vow ;  them  are  the  tares  theni 
Unitarians  sow  in  our  grain  fields  at  night ;  I  guess  they'll 
ruinate  the  crops  yet,  and  make  the  grounds  so  everlasting 
foul,  we'll  have  to  pare  the  sod  and  burn  it,  to  kill  the  roots 
Our  fathers  sored  the  right  seed  here  in  the  wildernessj  and 


THR   AMERICAN    FJAOLK.  59 

i..  «ll  my  bor„  days     '  '  "ever  seed  tho  beat  o'  il„. 

np  fblks 
do  ryle 
one  som 
about 
for  a..  _. 

Qwaken^d 
exertiba?^ 
already 
our  free 


and 


»8d  ftlks  M  fMSS:  ,^?^  "«  ^^  hard  to  teach  grx)wi, 
V^ffl.^  Six  yeaj-  old  horse;  and  they 

^ey  act  ijr  ugly  that  it  tempts 
'ir  confoifnded  necks— its  near 

'    ..7'J-   Wh^t remedy  is  there 
of  ih«j'  •    ^^'  ^""^  ^^"  ^ese  people  be 

there  a  few,  Sis    „„ til  ^^^^  ""?  '•  '^^^  ^^"  ^°'^  °« 

ti^em,andth//;heymut  mov?^^  ?f  civilisation  reaches 

It  is  decreed  rSThebuX^rTi-   ^'  '^^  ^"^^^^^  d«- 
'etreat,  as  pliinTs  anyS^  ^^i'^*^"^  ^  «,?"«din  of  their 

pncession  or>i,d/if  thevt^tir  ^'^'' ""'"  ^^^  ^^em  a 
Nckside  territSryrand  «m„ri  °'  T?  ^'^  Alleghany's 
for  we  are  out  of^dSbrand  L't?  "^^''i  ^^^  ^  ^^^^  y^«^«  ? 
feurplu«  revenue.  &  onlt  J^  ^  "^  '°  ''''  ''''^  ^"' 
know,  would  be  to  LmThem  aJ  T?  'i^'^S'  *^^'"'  '^^'  ^ 
fieighbour  of  his  in  V^giny  ^'^^^^  ^"^^  ^^^ved  a 

'bislSSewi^tl^^^^^  J^^-^«^-  -ar  ha  ^^ 

0  that  folks  couM  ZZ  each  XTtfira  ^'^  ^"^  '  ^'^ 
M.e  was  a  dreadful  cross  graced  woman  «  T  ''•  •"""» 
h  ravage  as  a  she  bear  th^at  has  cubran  old'r^  ^^^^"''""t, 
*^  ugly  as  sin,  and  one  that  both  hf  l^  old  farrow rnttcr, 
»  most  particular  onmarcifi  1  cI  ^  ^^^^  ^"^  ^^^^^^  l«o- J 
Nd  to'havo  some  of  h^r  L^^^^^^^^  ^  ^^ct.     She 

Hogg3d  oncommon  severe  anSl**  "^  ^^^'>"  ^«y'  «"^ 


00 


THE    CLOCKMAKER. 


day  but  oh  Lord  Missus/  ch  Lord  Missus/  Enoch  was 
"uirly  sick  of  the  sound,  lor  he  was  a  tender  hearted  man, 
find  says  he  to  her  one  day,  Now  do,  marm,  find  out  some 
other  place  to  give  your  cattle  the  cowskin,  for  it  worries 
mo  to  hear  'em  take  T)n  so  dreadful  bad — I  can't  stand  it,  I 
vow ;  they  are  flesh  and  blood  as  well  as  we  1^,  though  tho 
meat  is  a  dilfcrent  colour ;  but  it  was  no  goOt? — she  jist  up 
and  told  him  to  mind  his  own  business,  and  s|[ie  guessed 
she'd  mind  hern.  He  was  determined  to  shame  her  out  of 
it ;  so  one  mornin  arter  breakfast  he  iffla|in*|the  cane  field 
and  says  he  to  Lavecder,  one  of  the  w^<|^pifefcers.  Mus- 
ter up  the  whole  gang  of  slaves,  every  $iW#.^Wbring  'cm 
down  to  the  whippin  post,  the  whole  stock  of  them,  bulls, 
cows,  and  calves.  Well,  away  goes  Lavenddl^  and  drives 
up  all  the  niggers.  Now  you  catch  it,  says  he,  you  lazy 
villains;  I  tole  you  so  many  a- time — I  tole  yoif  Massa  he 
lose  all  patience  wid  you,  you  good  far  nothin  rascals.  I 
grad,  upon  my  soul,  1  werry  grad ;  you  mind  now  what 
Did  Lavender  say  anoder  time.  (The  black  overseers  are 
always  tha  most  cruel,  said  the  Clockmaker ;  they  have  no 
sort  of  feeling  for  their  own  people.) 

Well,  when  they  were  gathered  there  according  to  or- 
ders, they  looked  streaked  enough  you  may  depend,  thinkin 
they  were  going  to  get  it  all  round,  and  the  wenches  they 
fell  to  a  cryin,  wringin  their  hands,  aud  boo-hooing  like 
mad.     Lavender  was  there  with  his  cowskin,  grinnin  like 
a  chessy  cat,  and  crackin  it  abou    ready  for  business.   Pick 
me  out,  says  Enoch,  four  that  nave  the  loudest  voices; 
hard  matter  dat,  says  Lavender,  hard  matter  dat,  Massa, 
dey  all  talk  loud,  dey  all  luL  talk  more  better  nor  work 
— de  idle  villains ;  better  gib  'em  all  a  little  tickel,  jist  to 
teach  em  larf  on  tother  side  of  de  mouth :  dat  side  bran 
new,  they  never  use  it  yet.     Do  as  I  order  you,  Sir,  said 
Uncle,  or  I'll  have  you  triced  up,  you  cruel  old  rascal  you. 
When  they  were  picked  out  and  sot  by  themselves,  they 
hanged  their  heads,  and  looked  like  sheep  going  to  tha 
shambles.     Now,  says  Uncle  Enoch,  my  Pickininnies,  do 
you  sing  out  as  loud  as  N'agara,  at  the  very  tip  eend  of 
vour  voic^— 


I 


n't  stand  it,  I 


THE   AMERICAN    EACLR.  flj 

l^ont't  kill  a  nigger,  pray, 
Let  him  Jib  anodor  day. 

Oh  Lord  Misms^Oh  Lord  Mi,su». 

My  back  be  very  sore, 
No  stand  it  any  more. 

Oh  Lord  Missus-^Oh  Lord  Missus. 

And  all  the  rest  of  vou  ioin  chnru^  oo  i     j 
awl,  Oh  Lord  Misl..     'n      ki  ^*  ^  '"""^  ^^  y^"^  <•»" 

theyV^liyfeTjTh^^^^  '?^^  '?  ^P''^  ^heir  sides: 

W  ^LT^th:y'L:.    eVgoTit'^Tplr^^  ? 

the  river  rin^  affin—thpv  ivo^^ I      j    ?  ^  ^*     "^  "^^  "^^^^o 

the  folks  ran^ouTof  the  Ladv'.  ^  ^^"  """'  '^  '"^'  ^" 
was  the  mauer  on  Unl  F?Lk^  '"^ ^^  ''^'''  ««  ^'^th 

there  was  n  ally  a  reWli^r^  the  '  P^J^^r ~V^ey  thought 
awhile,  and  heerd  ifo^Pr  «nH  '  ^"^  "^^^^  ^^^^  ^^^^^^^d 
hint  and  returned  L  llrfin  T-  T'"'  ^^^^  ^^^  the 
Master   FnnniQi-  i     u^"  '"  ^^^'''  ^'^eves.     Says  thev 

any  hL  uLle  "  "'/'"  "^1^^  ^'^^^  *^'  S 
»s«,,  ^fter  that      yL  f/"^  ^"^u^'"^  "^'^^^  «^  «*  ^<»-^ 

it,thos;t:nosl  Wlnrs^^l^^^^  ^'°"^'  '^"^  °^ 
is  nothin  left  but  ridicule  If  tf  I  convince,  there 
apply  to  their  feelin"rcla;  «  M   ^^       I^  "°  ambition, 

wiFdo  the  h^S:'t^^uT^Zn'''^'^''^''T'''^ 
horse's  tail:  it  makp«  hl«  ^  "'".  S'nger  under  a 

you.  Whei  I  was  :  boy  TwZ  «?  ''"'  ^"^*""''  ^  ^^" 
well,  father's   nrearMn  T  A-!i  u      ^'^^^^  ^^**^  ^°  school  ; 

could  bear^;  Ct"y  .'o  tr  Zm^\  '"^  '  "^^^^ 
actilly  up  for  all  dav?  wlli  t  k  ^'  ^^  .®^™'  ^^e  you 
hurt  vou,  I  declare  '  Whf '     ^^P^y?"^  ^^^^  risin  won't 

now  f  Well,  w!>nd;rs':jlf  ne^ve'tai^T  l""'  '^^^^ 
dander:  at  last  «5av«  T  tvt^  ,       ^^^^e.    it   raised  mv 

more  fbr  g^S^^^^^^^  T^''^  ^"^''/"^ *^^t ^^^  ^"X 

etupas  a1r?yas  anvon  v^u^^.^^^^^^  ^"^  J'^' 

what's  wortk  knowL  in  th,-s  lifp    /^  -^J^'  ^'^'^  ^  ^^^'^  ^«""^ 

6 


-Tf  '^«CT-3JWIW8^..:wK«M«i 


THE   ClOCKMAKKR. 


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CHAPTER  XIII. 

THE  CLOCKMAKERS  OI'IMON  OF  HALIFAX. 

The  next  morning  was  warmer  than  several  that  had 
receded  it.  It  was  one  of  those  uncommonly  fine  days 
that  distinguish  an  American  autumn.  I  guess,  said  Mr. 
Slick,  the  heat  to-day  is  like  a  glass  of  Mint  JuJlip,  with  & 
lump  of  ice  in  it,  it  tastes  cool  and  feels  warrh-T-its  real  good, 
I  tell  you  ;  I  love  such  a  day  as  this  dearly.  Its  generally 
allowed  the  finest  weather  in  the  world  is  in  America — there 
ant  the  bent  of  it  to  be  found  any  where.  He  then  lighted 
a  cigar,  and  throwing  himself  back  on  his  chair,  put  both 
feet  out  of  the  window,  and  sat  with  his  arms  folded,  a  per 
feet  picture  of  happiness. 

You  appear,  said  I,  to  have  travelled  over  the  whole  of 
this  Province,  and  to  have  observed  the  country  and  th« 
people  with  much  attention,  pray  what  is  your  opinion  of 
the  present  state  and  future  prospects  of  Halifax?  Ifyoi 
will  tell  me,  said  he,  when  the  folks  there  will  wake  up 
then  I  can  answer  you,  but  they  are  fast  asleep ;  as  to  th 
Province,  its  a  splendid  province,  and  calculated  to  go  ahead 
it  will  grow  as  fast  as  a  Varginy  gall,  and  they  grow  a 
amazin  fast,  if  you  put  your  arm  round  one  of  their  neclc 
to  kiss  them,  by  the  time  you're  done,  they've  grown  u| 
into  women.  It's  a  pretty  Province  I  tell  you,  good  above 
and  better  below ;  surface  covered  with  pastures,  meadows 
woods,  and  a  nation  sight  of  water  privileges,  and  undei 
the  ground  full  of  mines — it  puts  me  in  mind  of  the  soup  a 
the  TVcc-mont  house. 

One  day  I  was  a  walkin  in  the  Mall,  and  who  should  » 
meet  but  Major  Bradford,  a  gentleman  from  Connecticut, 
that  traded  in  calves  and  pumpkins  for  the  Boston  market. 
Says  he.  Slick,  where  do  you  get  your  grub  to-day  1  At 
General  Peep's  tavern,  says  I.  Only  fit  for  niggers,  says 
he :  why  dont  you  come  to  the  Tree-mont  house,  that's 
he  most  splendid  thing  its  generally  allowed  in  all  the 


s,  said  Mr. 


THE  CLOCKMAKER'S  OI'INIOX,  ETC.  08 

*'orld.  Why,  says  I,  that's  a  notch  above  mv  mark  I 
gjaess  It's  too  p  agy  dcnr  for  mc.  I  cant  afford ^t  ^how 
Well,  says  he,  its  dear  in  one  srnso  hnt  i\    a        u        • 

jays  he  .0  ™e  ar.er  breSs^XJl^,  Ye'ltisr 

must  know,  he  says  he's  the  nearest  maTe^errti  1  S coiT 
dormant  peerage,)  my  Lord,  says  I,  I  have  one  a  nro  ^ 
sneezer,  a  chap  that  can  go  ahead  of  a  rnH  r^J^' ,    ^  ""P^' 

horse.  So  away  I  went  to  iZ  R  '  v  ^^""^  ^^  ^^^^ 
.o.her  eend  of  .h^  c,;:TJMZ!ZlLt7 S:^'  ."i 
had,  and  no  great  stick  to  brag  on  either  savff  I 
Brown,  what  do  you  ax  for  that  are  hoSe  ?  Two^l""''  '^ 
dollgjp,  says  he.  Well,  savs  I  I  will  !,b  J  hundred 
try  iun,,  and  if  I  like  him  fw  ,1  kl  hi'  Z  ?V^ 
our  Carolina  Lord  the  horse    anH^K      u  '  ^''°"'' 

says  I,  Dont  let  him  trot  as^ast  a,  1,»  ^  '^'^  °"  ''™' 

a  heat;  if  folks  find  ot  hot  everlLr'r/?r? '''f' '"''■• 
be  afeared  to  slump  you  for  a  start  wi  ^  "'  ^^^^^ 
he  said  he  liked  th^hUlLgly,„^'':"5^,rj""'«^ 

-ehes,  iknowL:;/h:,ihers,  r;.Le^°'^rS 


l 


*  i 


04 


THE    CLOCKMaKBR. 


I  to  myself,  that's  more  than  ever  I  could  say  of  him  then 
any  how. 

Well,  I  was  goin  to  tell  you  about  the  soup — says  the 
Major,  its  near  about  dinner  time,  jist  come  and  see  how 
you  like  the  location.  There  was  a  sight  of  folks  there, 
gentlemen  and  ladies  in  the  public  room  (I  never  seed  so 
manv  afore  except  at  commencement  day,)  all  ready  for 
start,  and  when  the  gong  sounded,  off  we  sott  like  a  flocK 
of  sheep.  Well,  if  there  wnrnt  a  jam  you  may  depend- 
some  give  me  a  pull,  and  I  near  abouts  went  heels  up  ovei 
head,  so  1  reached  out  both  hands,  and  caught  hold  of  the 
first  thing  I  could,  and  what  should  it  be  but  a  lady's  dress 
— well,  as  I'm  alive,  rip  went  the  frock,  and  tear  goes  the 
petticoat,  and  when  I  righted  myself  from  my  beam  eends, 
away  they  all  came  home  to  me,  and  there  she  was,  the 
pretty  critter,  with  all  her  upper  riggin  standing  as  far 
as  her  waist,  and  nothiii  left  below  but  a  short  linen 
under  garment.  If  she  didnt  scream,  its  a  pity,  and  the 
more  she  screamed,  the  more  folks  larfed,  for  no  soul  could 
help  larfin,  till  one  of  the  waiters  folded  her  up  in  a  table 
cloth.  , 

What  an  awkward  devil  you  be.  Slick,  says  the  Major, 
now  that  comes  of  not  falling  in  first,  they  should  have 
formed  four  deep,  rear  rank  in  open  order,  and  marched 
in  to  our  splendid  national  air,  and  filed  off  to  their  seats, 
right  and  left  shoulders  forward.  I  feel  kinder  sorry,  too, 
says  he  for  that  are  young  heifer,  but  she  showed  a  proper 
pretty  leg  tho'  Slick,  didnt  she — I  guess  you  dont  often 
get  such  a  chance  as  that  are.  Well,  I  gets  near  the 
Major  at  table,  and  afore  me  stood  a  china  utensil  with 
two  handles,  full  of  soup,  about  the  size  of  a  foot  tub,  with 
a  large  silver  scoop  in  it,  near  about  as  big  as  a  ladle  of  a 
maple  sugar  kettle.  I  was  jist  about  bailing  out  some  soup 
into  my  dish,  when  the  Major  said,  fish  it  up  from  the  hot- 
tom.  Slick, — well,  sure  enough,  I  gives  it  a  drag  from  the 
bottom,  and  up  come  the  fat  pieces  of  turtle,  and  the  thick 
rich  soup,  and  a  sight  of  little  forced  meat  balls,  of  the 
size  of  sheep's  dung.  No  soul  could  tell  how  good  it  was 
— it  was  near  abou^  as  handsum  as  father's  old  genuine 
narticuiar  cider,  and  that  ynu  cou'd  feel  tingle  clean  away 


THE  CLOCKMAKER^S  OPlStON,  ETC.  06 

«f  J!nV^.'!.-^T'"^^  '' J^'*  "^^  ^^^t  are  soup,  good  enough 
,  !.3  a  „as^  diny  horrid  ijkin  bir^n  8^  Ae  J^S 


60 


THE   CLOCKMAKER. 


were  great  hands  for  pretty  sarmons,  and  our  Unitarian 
ministers  all  preach  poetry,  only  they  leave  the  ryme  out 
— it  sparkles  like  perry,)  I  goes  down  to  East  India 
wharf  to  see  Captain  Zeek  Hancock,  of  Nantucket,  to 
enquire  how  oil  was,  and  if  it  would  bear  doing  anything 
in;  when  who  should  come  along  but  Jabish  Green. 
Slick,  says  he,  how  do  you  do :  isn't  this  as  pretty  a  daj 
as  you'll  see  between  this  and  Norfolk  ;  it  whips  English 
weather  by  a  long  chalk;  and  then  he  looked  down  at 
my  watch  seals,  and  looked  and  looked  as  if  he  thought 
I'd  stole  'em.  At  last  he  looks  up,  and  says  he,  Slick, 
I  suppose  you  would'nt  go  to  Warsaw,  would  you,  if  it 
was  made  worth  your  while  ?  Which  Warsaw  ?  says  I, 
for  I  believe  in  my  heart  we  have  a  hundred  of  them. 
None  of  ourn  at  all,  says  he ;  Warsaw  in  Poland.  Well, 
I  don't  know,  says  I ;  what  do  you  call  worth  while  ?  Six 
dollars  a  day,  expenses  paid,  and  a  bonus  of  one  thousand 
dollars,  if  speculation  turns  out  well.  I  am  off,  says  I, 
whenever  you  say  go.  Tuesday,  says  he,  in  the  Har..- 
burgh  packet.  Now,  says  he,  I'm  in  a  tarnation  hurry ; 
I'm  goin  a  pleasurin  to  day  in  the  Custom  House  Boat, 
along  with  Josiah  Bradford's  galls  down  to  Nahant.  But 
I'll  tell  you  what  I  am  at :  the  Emperor  of  Russia  has 
ordered  the  Poles  to  cut  off  their  queus  on  the  1st  of  Janu- 
ary ;  you  must  buy  them  all  up,  and  ship  them  off  to  Lon 
don  for  the  wig  makers.  Human  hair  is  scarce  and  risin 
Lord  a  massy !  says  I,  how  queer  they  will  look,  worn 
they.  Well,  I  vow,  that's  what  the  sea  folks  call  sailing 
under  hare  Poles,  come  true,  aint  it  ?  I  guess  it  will  turn 
out  a  good  spec,  says  he ;  and  a  good  one  it  did  turn  out — 
he  cleared  ten  thousand  dollars  by  it. 

When  I  was  at  Warsaw,  as  I  was  a  sayin,  there  was  a 
Russian  officer  there  who  had  lost  both  his  arms  in  battle 
a  good  natured  contented  critter,  as  I  een  amost  ever  see'd, 
and  he  was  fed  with  spoons  by  his  neighbours,  but  arter  a 
while  they  grew  tired  of  it,  and  I  guess  he  near  about 
tarved  to  death  at  last.  Now  Halifax  is  like  that  are 
Spooney,  as  I  used  to  call  him ;  it  is  fed  by  the  outports, 
and  they  begin  to  have  enough  to  do  to  feed  themselves — 
It  must  lam  to  live  without  'em.     They  have  no  river,  and 


THE    CLOCKMAKER'S   OPINIOX,    ETC.  07 

IS  -r^lS  ^l^K^^J?^!;-  -"-d  to  An„a« 
selves  with.  If  thev  don't  d^l  f  ^  °'^"  *°  ^^^^  t''^^"' 
U.ey'1,  get  into  ^JectV  tt  Vrun^Tn^sl^rwilUr 

^ill  either  rnak/orsZH^it"^    ^^'%^»^? '*^V  ^Aar 

It  will  do  to  talk  of,  savs    OnP  •    Vnn'H 

says  another:  Yes  savs  n  ^^Ia   \    -l  ^^^  '^  ^^"^'^  ^^y 
too  young  yet.        '     ^    ^  *^"^'  '^  ^'"  ^°"^e,  but  we  are 

offers  of  marriage  from   sponsible  n^  ^""^  '^°  "^  ^^^'^^ 

good  specs-but^mnisTer TvTay  %Sd  7pZf  P"'"^"'^" 
too  young—the  day  will  comp  hnt  ^"^^^  ^^^  ^^« 
yet,  dear.'  Well,  k^l  Td"  7,  „t  L"at"all  ^;^°""/ 
She  guessed  she  knew  betler  nnrX.,  ?    '  ^'"^  ^""l' 

she  had,  she  said  she  Ll  nnn^,"  .  '  ^°  *"  n^-'"  "Ter 
-off  she  shot  10  Khode  iZd  'nd  f,''^  "•"?'«"■  "^^ance 
F«thcv's  too  old,  he  don't  know  "^ a?"™''!  ^°y»  ^h". 
Wnlifax.    The  od  folk,  ,L  ,k  "?  J'^'  "«'  "^se  al 

time  will  co4  an'fsr:^  '':„7r„''TJ^'»y°™8-''>e 
young  folks  won't  wait,  oMnn^Z  ,'■}"' J""'"'  "■"=  the 

tend  a  bear  trap,  I  vow  Thi^!.  u.  V^^^^  ^'"^  ^^  to 
and  round  a  roo'i  likJa  lad^Jlap'dl'lh''  ^""^^'  '°""^' 
hours  a  day,  to  ke^p  them  from  dX  oF  T'""'  ""^^  '^^° 
hush  said  I,  Mr.  Slick,  you  fZet^'"woirP'S?-  ""^^' 
•ng  h]s  usual  composure— wonT/'^  ^  ^"'.^^'^  he,  resum- 
vexed  though,  I  dedare-is'm  in       "' '^'^  '"  "^'-^'^^^  «"^ 

^"  a ^^^  dSeS":::.^!:::^^  l^f^rf^  -dalwavs 

r'^ht.  Mr.Howewa;;:;^oix'S;;:::^i:^l;vi 


G8 


THE   CLOCKMAKER. 


I 


,1'-  : 


1      f 


I         \ 


i        I 


came  to  his  calculations,  but  I  never  could  read  figures, 
« I  can't  cypher,'  and  there  I  paused ;  it  was  a  barrier :  J 
retreated  a  few  paces,  took  a  running  leap,  and  cleared  the 
whole  of  them.     Mr.  Slick  says  he  has  under  and  not  over 
rated  its  advantages.     He  appears  to  be  such  a  shrewd 
observing,  intelligent  man,  and  so  perfectly  at  home  on 
these  subjects,  that  I  confess  I  have  more  faith  in  this  hum 
ble  but  eccentric  Clockmaker,  than  in  any  other  rfian 
have  met  with  in  this  Province.    I  therefore  pronounce 
there  will  be  a  railroad.^  ~ 


CHAPTER  XIV. 

SAYINGS  AND  DOINGS  IN  CUMBERLAND. 

I  RECKON,  said  the  Clockmaker,  as  we  strolled  throu'rh 
Amherst,  you  have  read  Hook's  story  of  the  boy  that  one 
day  asked  one  of  his  father's  guests  who  his  next  door 
neighbour  was,  and  when  he  heerd  his  name,  asked  him 
if  he  warnt  a  fool.  No,  my  little  feller,  said  he,  he  beant 
a  fool,  he  is  a  most  particular  sensible  man  ;  but  why  did 
you  ax  that  are  question  ?  Why,  said  the  little  boy,  mother 
said  tother  day  you  were  next  door  to  a  fool,  and  I  wanted 
to  know  who  lived  next  door  to  you.  His  mother  felt 
pretty  ugly,  I  guess,  when  she  heerd  him  run  right  slap  on 
that  are  breaker. 

Now  these  Cumberland  folks  have  curious  next  door 
neighbours,  too;  they  are  placed  by  their  location  right 
atwixt  fire  and  water ;  they  have  New  Brunswick  politics 
on  one  side,  and  Nova  Scotia  politics  on  tother  side  of  them 
and  Bay  Fundy  and  Bay  Varte  on  tother  two  sides ;  they 
areactillyin  hot  water;  they  are  up  to  their  croopers  in 
politics,  and  great  hands  for  talking  of  House  of  Assembly 
political  Unions,  and  what  not.     Like  all  folks  who  wade 
so  deep,  they  can't  always  tell  the  natur  of  the  ford.  Some 
'imes  they  strike  their  shins  agin  a  snag  of  a  rock ;  af 
other  tines,  they  go  whap  into  a  quicksand,  and  if  they 


SAVmoS  AND  DOINGS  IN  CUMBERLAND.  QQ 

anfefrt^^^^^^^^^^^  s-e  over  head 

Rotations,  and  le^oT    Ze"  Jj  '^^^^^^  t«»^  '"ore  of 

and  less  of  J5an/.,,  andaZZZ.Tff/''''^  ^'^-  ^^*^'» 
less  to  r..rf..,«,^.;  ie  edrbetteTfor  '1'^  ^"*""-^'  ^^^ 

Now  you  mention  the  subject    1  'nnk  T  k 
said  I,  that  there  is  a  great  chan  J  in  ^^""^  observed, 

that  respect.  Formerl^^  wh.n^  y°"'"  countrymen  in 
you  had  a  dish  of  MU?csIt  hT'  ^^"  "^"'  ^"  American, 
an  appetite^  iror  no      bu    htl '  iT'  '"^"^'^^^  ^^^  ^«d 

seldom  alh^^o°r  kav  o  iu  ,^-  -^  '"""''^'"^  ^^^^ 
guess,  said  1   thlv  hnv5         u^^  i'  *^'«  attributable?  I 

sick  of  the  subjet?^X"-t  '""^'  ^"^  "« 

cooks  cure  thei^  prentices  of  .?.«.  *^^  "^^^  ^"^  P^^^ry 
their  shops.     When  thev  °  t  „  n  ^"^  '"^^^  "°^'°"«  °"t  of 

he  must  Sever  so  mucKf^okaTl^tr^^'"  '^'^ ''^^  ^""^ 
and  if  he  dares  to  lay  the  veiaj^t  nP , '  T  ^'^  "'''''  ^^^"^s  J 
them,  they'll  have  him  up  forit  W  "'  ^"^"'.  "P°"  °°^  ^^ 
him  its  every  bit  and  Tra  n  .,  k  ^  ^'^  ^  J^^*'^^ ''  t^^^y  tell 
Well,  that's^sure  to  sef h  "  at  ^f  '  ^!  ''"^^L^^  from  a  till, 
a  breechy  ox,  first  to  Ik  oveV U  S  .h  '  ^'^^  ^T?^  ^^' 
with  its  rump;. its  human  na'ur'  wJ^V  P^  ^*  ^°^« 
eats  till  he  can't  eat  no  bn4r  '  d  Vh  'i!^''  ^^^  ^^^^  ^"^ 
-mach,   and  hates  the^ ver?  ^^^^  3^^^^^^^^^^^ 

yo^'Ssilrf'g^^^^^^^^ 

when  we  set  out  Train  for  S  v  ^'  ^'^"^  P"'*^^c*^'°»  a« 
^/^c^/on,  but  how  are  vo„  .  .  ^°"  ""^^^  ^^^  ^'"^  0/ 
would  take  a  great  deal  IZU^''  ^""^'^  ?f  ^mL,  f  It 
heerd  tell  of  o^' whf hld's^S'r  ^^  ^°  *^"  ''''''  '  "-« 
Adams.  itllTot  AdL""  ^^^  ^^«'  ^^^^  ^vas  John 

grrow  in  p:!!;ic:ta^„'r  co^;;^'  i:tz'>\'^'^'^^ 

He  might  set  out  sirmaht  nf  k  •  ■  n  P'^"^^  hunself. 
ho  waa%„,.e  ,o  ge,  tootd  afofe^,  ^^  1 ""'«  7^:  "u, 

in  it-  I  used  to  ,nv  L  !.■  l  ^""^  '™  »■■  "iree  croois 
(for  he  wis  no  4T  luTiitel""  t',!'  '^  "'  «■■•  Adams 
""r  Treat  ™,io„,  aXTs  al tot  H  ?"f  ''u'  ""'  P''"^'''''"  »' 
^  -i.e  .voHd,  ,00',  ro..  ■;  ■„  ?5;  f:  ,^h„'tS?.  "of™ 


70 


THE    CLOCKMAKER. 


I.      .? 


ft     n 


arternoon  a  swimmin  along  with  the  boys  in  the  Potomac, 
I  do  believe  that's  the  way  he  larned  to  give  the  folks  the 
dodge  so  spry ;)  well,  I  used  to  say  to  him,  how  on  airth  i*' 
it,  Mr.  Adams,  you  can't  make  straight  work  on  it?  Ha 
was  a  grand  hand  at  an  excuse  (though  minister  used  to 
say  that  folks  that  were  good  at  an  excuse,  were  seldom 
good  for  nothin  else) ;  sometimes,  he  said,  the  ground  was 
80  tarnation  stony,  it  throwed  the  plough  out ;  at  other 
limes,  he  said,  the  off  ox  was  such  an  iigly  wijftil  tempered 
critter,  there  was  no  doin  nothin  ^«^  him  ^»*  that  there 
was  so  much  machinery  about  the  plough,  it  made  it  plaguy 
hard  to  steer,  or  may  be  it  was  the  fault  ofjiiem  that  went 
afore  him,  that  they  laid  it  down  so  bad ;  unless  he  was 
hired  for  another  term  of  four  years,  the  work  would'nt 
look  well ;  and  if  all  them  are  excuses  would'nt  do,  why  he 
would  take  to  scolding  the  nigger  that  drove  the  team 
throw  all  the  bfarre  on  him,  and  order  him  to  have  an  ever- 
laatin  lacin  with  the  cowskin.  You  might  as  well  catch  a 
weazel  asleep  as  catch  him.  He  had  somethin  the  matter 
with  one  eye — well,  he  knew  I  know'd  that  when  he  was  a 
boy  ;  so  one  day,  a  feller  presented  a  petition  to  him,  and 
he  told  him  it  was  very  affectin.  Says  he,  it  fairly  draws 
tears  from  me,  and  his  weak  eye  took  to  lettin  off  its  water 
like  statiee ;  so  as  soon  as  the  chap  went,  he  winks  to  me 
with  tother  one,  quite  knowin,  as  much  as  to  say,  you  see 
its  all  in  my  eye,  Slick,  but  don't  let  on  to  any  one  about 
it,  that  I  said  so.  That  eye  was  a  regular  cheat,  a  com- 
plete New  England  wooden  nutmeg.  Folks  said  that  Mr. 
Adams  was  a  very  tender-hearted  man.  Perhaps  he  was, 
but  I  guess  that  eye  did'nt  pump  its  water  out  o'  that  place. 
Members  in  general  aint  to  be  depended  on,  I  tell  you. 
Politics  makes  a  man  as  crooked  as  a  pack  does  a  pedlar ; 
not  that  they  are  so  awful  heavy,  neither,  but  it  teaches  a 
mati  to  stoop  in  the  long  run.  Arter  all,  there's  not  that 
difference  in  'em  (at  least  there  ain't  in  Congress)  one  would 
lliink ;  for  if  one  of  them  is  clear  of  one  vice,  why,  as  ^ih^ 
as  not,  he  has  another  fault  jist  as  bad.  An  honest  far- 
mer, like  one  of  these  Cumberland  folks,  when  he  goes  to 
choose  atwixt  two  that  offers  for  votes,  is  jist  like  tlse  tlying 
lisli.     That  are  littio  crittur  is  not  content  to  stay  to  home 


SAVmcS  AND  DOmoS  11.  CUMBERLAND.  7J 

Z:^Jn;i;i-tn:f^'  business,  b,n  l.  „.ust  try  his 

Well,  the  rmenrhe's  out  of^r'  '^?  "t  «y'"'  "^^-r! 
sea  fowl  are  arter  hhn  and  LT"  ^V"^  ^^^^«  *«  %'"'  the 
the  good  luck  to  escL  them  Z  ^^'^  •' »  ""^  '^  ^'  ^^^ 
dolphin,  as  like  as  not"Z  ^^^  the 

wind  out  of  him  than  L  „1  u?  •  ™'  *^^t  knocks  more 
sight.  I  gues^  the  Mnp^n  ^''f  ^^"^^  *^^  ^^^^^^s,  a  plaguy 
about  politf^as  thl  foSTh\°""^  ^'''^^'''  ««  »""eh 

Banks,  the  House  ofCmblvaTdV?'  ^'"""^^''  *^« 
man  places  a  higher  valhf^n ^'  u"  *^^  Lawyers.  If  a 
bors  Jo,  and  wS  to  beTma'S3i^^^^^  °^^g^- 

carry  the  ink  horn  for  one  Tnl  fi  !.  u^^'''*^  ^«  ^«  ^^t  to 
vered  of  a  mistake,  he  sayLklaS  '  ^.'"^'^^^  ^^^-^Y  ^elu 
The  members  are  cunnTna  I'fti  ^^"g  to  the  Council, 
feelin,  and  when  tLrroTA  r^'  ^"^^  ^^^^  ^"ow  this 
pie  ax  'em, «  wTer'e^'rraTttr  a'rfint?        ^^'  P^^ 

Tf irtetltl'Sr?'^^^^^^^^^  'or" /oT 

country  wmtrJt^nT  g  od^^^^^^^         f  -  i^^'    S 
respect  for  it,  by  covering  ft  rK.f      ''^^P^  ^^^^^^  their 

r  a  man  is  so  tL7:X^:  ^^^^Torr'""  .'^"^^P""* 
has  no  moneys  why  he  sav/jf  nil  •  ^'  ^""^ '"  ^o^rse 
wont  discount  there's  no  ^r^  T'",  *°  ^^«  banks,  they 

vince.  If  the;e  be:„t  a^ -0^;^;,^ uC  t  ""^'  ^^^  ^- 
door,  away  back  to  the  woolT-  ^  to  every  citizen's 
squatted  there)  why  he  savs  ?h.^S"°  ""'  .^'^  ^^  "o*  has 
oted  all  the  mone/to  pay  Sel^l?^;^^^  ^'^  ^^^^"^bly  have 
nothing  left  ror  poor  settler!. L  '  '^'""f '  ^"^  ^^^re's 
awyers  come  in  foMhet  ZVp  nf  ?''  '^^^"-  ^«>"'  the 
don't  catch  it,  it's  a  pity  '  °^''^^'  ^"^  ^^^>  ^^o,  if  thev 

-(tXP^n^^^^^^^  Connocti 

skahn,  drivin  about  with  tKll        i    *  ®'"S'n  ^^"gs. 


r 


72 


THE  CLOOKMAKER. 


'  m 


if  there  were  any  youngsters  in  want  of  a  father,  they  wer«i 
sure  to  be  poor  Jim's.  Jist  so  it  is  with  the  lawyers  here  ; 
they  stand  Godfathers  for  every  misfortune  that  happens  in 
the  country.  When  there  is  a  mad  dog  a  goin  about,  every 
dog  that  barks  is  said  to  be  bit  by  the  mad  one,  so  he  geta 
credit  for  all  the  mischief  that  every  dog  does  for  three 
months  to  come.  So  every  feller  that  goes  yelpin  homo 
from  a  court  house,  smartin  from  the  law,  swears  he  is  bi 
by  a  lawyer.  Now  there  may  be  something  wrong  in  all 
these  things^  (and  it  cant  be  otherwise  in  natur)  in  Council, 
Banks,  House  of  Assembly,  and  Lawyers :  but  change 
them  all,  and  its  an  even  chance  if  you  don't  get  worse 
ones  in  their  room.  It  is  in  politics  as  in  horses ;  when 
u  man  has  a  beast  that's  near  about  up  to  the  notch,  he'd 
better  not  swap  him  ;  if  he  does,  he's  een  amost  sure  to  get 
one  not  so  good  as  his  own.  My  rule  is,  Fd  rather  keep  a 
critter  whose  faults  I  do  knoWf  than  change  him  for  a  beast 
whose  faults  I  dont  know. 


I 


li 


CHAPTER  XV. 

THE  DANCING  MASTER  ABROAD 

I  WISH  that  are  black  heifer  in  the  kitchen  would  ^we 
aver  singing  that  are  everlastin  dismal  tune,  said  the  Clock, 
maker,  it  makes  my  head  ache.  You've  heerd  a  song 
afore  now,  said  he,  havn't  you,  till  you  was  fairly  sick  of 
It?  for  I  have,  I  vow.  The  last  time  I  v/as  in  Flhode 
Island,  (all  the  galls  sing  there,  pnd  it's  generally  allowed 
there's  no  such  singers  anywhere ;  they  beat  the  Ei/e- 
talians  a  long  chalk — they  sing  so  high  some  on  'em,  they 
go  clear  out  o'  hearin  sometimes,  like  a  lark,)  well,  you 
heerd  nothing  but '  Oh  no,  we  never  mention  her  ;'  well,  I 
grew  so  plagy  tired  of  it,  I  used  to  say  to  myself,  I'd  sooner 
see  it  than  heer  tell  of  it,  I  vow ;  I  wish  to  gracious  you 
'would  never  mention  her,'  for  it  makes  me  feel  rgly  tc 


THE  DATCmo  MASTER  ABHOAD.  „ 

Slick,  this  country  is  rapid^v^mn  ^""^  ^^°  "^  Truro,  Afr. 
»s  abroad  now,'  aL  hTSd/.r'"^-'  * '''"  «<^hoolmaster 
found  a  mare's'  nest,  lo  I  should  th^T"  '?  /^^^^^  ^«  ^«^ 
Jist  be  about  as  well,  I  ^ess  if  h  jd  t '  '!'^J'  °"^  ^^  ^°"W 
■lis  business,  for  your  S'nLl  ''^^  ^^  ^^"^^  «»d  ^^^6 
I  reckon  he's  abroad  eon  amost  nU^'f  °°"*^^'>^  ^'g^^^^^t 
when  he  returns  hp'II  ho  ♦u  f  °^^  ^"^  ^'"le.  I  hone 
that's  ,nore  nor  'many  of  t^''''  °^  ^^^  travels,  and 

'"broad,' for  they  impo^rtLreairsTn?  ^"^^^  «^^  ^^«  ^ 
d'spose  of  one  while,  I  tell  vou     -  ^"^"?««»se  than  the^ 

on  hand  all  the  rest' of  tLlT^r ^.^  '^?  «tock  remain'. 
f  much  as  cant,  of  all  kinds  It^  «  ^'^  ?  "^^^'"  ^  ^ate 
d.sposition.  If  you  see  a  fel W  i  .  •  """^  .?'8"  °^  »  tricky 
hand  into  your  pockerand  la^r^^^^^^^  ^'^P  your 

he  1  steal  it,  as  sure  as  you're  «N?         f  f  >^°"^  P»ss,  oi 
Pohtics,  he'll  sell  you  if  he  JS.  1  V  ^"^  '^  ^  man'can   in 
Law  and  physic^are    ist  tK  sam^"""',^"" '"'^^^^P^^d. 
morsel  as  bad.     If  a  lawyer  tali  T'  """•   ^^^"^  mite  and 
Preachin  to  the  geese,  S  eat  unK-  ''"J'f '  "'^  ^'^«  ^^e  fo, 
and  ,1  a  doctor  lakes'  to  h,  he's  a  oiaH^"'"  ^^^g^egation  , 
The  Lord  have  massy  on  you    for  h      ^'  '"'^  ^'  ^^^'^«" 
rus    my  chance  with  a  naked'  ZL      ''''°"/-     ^'^  sooner 
ti^ats  haltlcovered  with  bad  bait      Th  T^  '^"?f'  ^^^"  ««« 
«vvallow  the  one,  without  thinkin  b  ,Mh  ^''^  ''I"  sometime* 
tother,  turn  tail,  and  off  like  a  sl^       '^  ^''  lightened  ai 
,  ^ow,  to  change  the  tunp  I'll     •       . 
Pl-se.     They 'if  have  TJel^g'V'l  r!"^  °^^«  «  »«^ 
a«dthen«^/,ei)a^,,-„^^^J^^^^^^  hkelynext  year, 

;«amost  particular  pohl  ma„  It  """t  ^  ^^"didate 
howin  there,  and  a  shakin  Srnll  ^  "''^.^'"  ^'^''^'  ^"^  « 
proves  a  m/rn's  manner^ike  "nM  ^  i''^''"'"  ^"'• 
flasfer^s  abroad  then  /  nothin  ahJf^  ""•  *  ^^^^  ^^^'^^''^ 
"  m^i<es  them  as  squinny  as  an     '  \^'''^'  ^•^"^'  '"^  ^^at, 

-^  a  smile  for  alll'wX^etl^^LT^'f «'- 


74 


THE   CLOCKMAKRR. 


'M\ 


pan  of  new  milk.  Then  they  get  as  lull  of  compliment? 
as  a  dog  is  full  of  flons  ■•  i  .rdrin  how  the  old  lady  is  to 
home,  and  the  little  h'.y  tUt  matl.)  such  a  wonderful  smart 
answer,  they  nevei  .an  i:  ^  i  it  till  next  time;  a  praisin  a 
man's  farms  to  the  nines,  and  a  tellin  of  him  how  scanda- 
lous  the  road  that  leads  to  his  location  has  been  neglected, 
and  how  much  he  wants  to  find  a  real  complete  hand  that 
can  build  a  bridge  over  his  brook,  and  axin  him  if  he  ever 
buJ.t  one.  "When  he  gets  the  hook  bu'  .  J  '1  '  the  right  fly, 
and  the  simple  critter  begins  to  jump  out  of  water  arter  it, 
all  mouth  and  gills,  he  winds  up  the  reel,  and  takes  leave, 
athinkin  to  himself,  '  now  you  see  what's  to  the  eend  of 
my  lino,  I  guess  I'll  know  where  to  find  you  when  I 
want  you.' 

There's  no  sort  of  fishin  requin  s  so  much  practice  as 

this.     When  bait  is  scarce,  one  worm   must  answer  for 

several  fish.     A  handful  of  oats  in  a  pan,  arter  it  brings 

one  horse  up  in  a  pastur  for  the  bridle,  serves  for  anothe-  * 

a  shakin  of  it,  is  better  than  a  givin  of  it— it  saves  the  grain 

for  another  time.     Its  a  poor  business  arter  all,  is  elec- 

tioncering,  and  when  *  the  Dancin  Master  is  abroad,''  he  s 

as  apt  to  teach  a  man  to  cut  capers  and  get  lavfed  at  as 

anything  else.     It  tante  every  one  that's  soople  enough  to 

dance  real  complete.     Politics  takes  a  great  deal  of  time, 

and  grinds  away  a  man's  honesty  near  about  as  fast  as 

cleaning  a  knife  with  brick  dust,  '  it  takes  its  steel  out.* 

What  does  a  critter  get  arter  all  for  it  in  this  country,  why 

nothin  but  expense  and  disappointment.     As  King  Solo- 

mon  says,  (and  that  are  man  was  up  to  a  thing  or  two, 

you  may  depend,  tho'  our  professor  did  say  he  warn't  so 

knowin  as  Uncle  Sam,)  its  all  vanity  and  vexation  of  spirit, 

I  raised  a  four  year  old  colt  once,  half  blood,  a  perfect 

pictur  of  a  horse,  and  a  genuine  clipper,  could  gallop  like 

the  wind ;  a  real  daisy,  a  perfect  doll,  had  an  eye  like  « 

weazel,  and  nostril  like  Commodore  Rogers's  speaking 

trumpet.     Well,  I  took  it  down  to  the  races  at  New  York, 

and  father  he  went  along  with  me ;  for  says  he,  Sam,  you 

tlonl  know  every  thing,  I  guess,  you  hant  cut  your  wisdom 

'eeth  yet,  and  you  are  goin  among  them  that's  had  'em 

hruugh  their  gums  this  while  past.     Well,  when  we  gets 

c  the  races,  father  he  gets  colt  and  puts  him  in  an  old 


THB   DANCING   MASTER   ABROAD.  75 

as  fa.  into  a  millstone  as  the  best  on  'em:  ^  °"  "^^ 

praisia  of  hi™  and  admirin  him      Ttey  ^m^  asTft  v 

louder  than  before,      id  savs  ftthZ     r  ^  r   """^  ""^'n 
'         says  lie.     V\eII,  savs  the  ofh^r-  «o'^n— ♦^—    '• 


'!  :i 


-rffl 


.    4 


-ti 


^^■'^ 

.* 

■! 

i 

§• 

■1 

w 


THE    CLOCKMAKER. 


point  you,  as  you  seem  to  have  set  your  njind  on  losinj^ 
your  money,  I  don't  care  if  I  lio. 

As  soon  as  it  was  settled,  father  drives  off  to  the  stables, 
and  then  returns  mounted,  with  a  red  silk  pocket  handker- 
chief tied  round  his  head,  and  colt  a  looking  like  himself, 
as  proud  as  a  nabob,  cliock  full   of  spring  like  the  wir 
ecnd  of  a  bran  nev:  pair  of  trowser  gallusses — one  sai 
that's  a  plaguy  nice  lookin  colt  that  old  feller  has  arter  all 
that  horse  will  show  play  for  it  yet,  says  a  third ;  and 
heerd  one  feller  say,  I  guess  that's  a  regular  yankee  trick, 
a  complete  take  in.     They  had  a  fair  start  for  it,  and  olF 
they  sot,  father  took  the  lead  and  kept  it,  and  won  the  race, 
tho'  it  was  a  pretty  tight  scratch,  for  father  was  too  old 
to  ride  colt,  he  was  near  about  the  matter  of  seventy  years 
old. 

Well,  when  the  colt  was  walked  round  after  the  race, 
there  was  an  amazin  crowd  arter  him,  and  several  wanted 
to  buy  him ;  but  says  father,  how  am  I  to  get  home  with- 
out him,  and  what  shall  I  do  with  that  are  waggon  and 
harness  so  far  as  I  be  from  Slickville.  So  he  kept  them 
in  talk,  till  he  felt  their  pulse  pretty  well,  and  at  last  he 
clo.-ed  with  a  Southerner  for  700  dollars,  and  we  returned, 
having  made  a  considerable  good  spec  of  colt.  Says 
father  to  me,  Sam,  says  he,  you  seed  tlie  crowd  a  follerin 
the  winnin  horse,  when  we  came  there,  didn't  you  ?  Yes, 
sir,  said  I,  I  did.  Well,  when  colt  beat  him,  no  one  fol- 
lered  him  at  all,  but  come  a  crowded  about  him.  That's 
popularity,  said  he,  soon  won,  soon  lost — cried  up  sky 
high  one  minute,  and  deserted  the  next,  or  run  down  ;  colt 
will  share  the  same  fate.  He'll  get  beat  afore  long,  and 
then  he's  done  for.  The  multitude  are  always  fickle 
minded.  Our  great  Washington  found  that  out,  and  tho 
British  officer  that  beat  Buonaparte ;  the  bread  they  gave 
him  turned  sour  afore  he  got  half  through  the  loaf.  His 
soap  had  hardly  stiffened  afore  it  ran  right  back  to  lye  and 
grease  agin. 

I  was  sarved  the  same  way,  I  liked  to  have  missed  my 
pension — the  Committee  said  I  warn't  at  Bunker's  hill,  at 
nil,  the  villans.     That  was  a 


glo- 


(thnks  I,  old  boy. 


if  you  once  get  into  that  are  field,  you'll  race  longer  than 
roll,  a  plaguy  sight ;  you'll  run  clear  away  to  the  fence 


THE    DANCING    MASTER    ABROAD. 


»» 


Jo  the  fur  ccnd  afore  you  stop,  so  I  jist  cut  in  and  took  a 
/land  myself.)     Yes,  says  I,  you  did  'em  father,  nropcrlv, 
that  old  waggon  was  a  bright  scheme,  it  led  'em  on  till 
you  got  'em   on  the  right  spot,  did'nt   it?     Says   father, 
1  here  s  a  moral,  Sam,  tn  every  thing  in  natvr.     Never 
have  nothin  to  do  with  elections,  you  see  the  valy  of  popu- 
larity  in  the  case  of  that  are  horse — sarve  the  public  999 
times,  and  the  1000th,  if  they  don't  agree  with  you,  they 
desart  and  abuse  you— see  how  they  sarved  old  John  Adams 
see  how  they  let  Jefferson  starve  in  his  old  age,  see  how 
good  old  Munroe  like  to  have  got  right  into  jail,  after  his 
term  of  President  was  up.     They  may  talk  of  independence, 
says  father,  but  Sam,  I'll  tell  you  what  independence  is— 
and  he  gave  his  hands  a  slap  agin  his  trowsers  pocket, 
and  made  the  gold  eagles  he  won  at  the  race  all  jingle  agin 
---that,  says  he,  giving  them  another  wipe  with  his  fist, 
(and  winkin  as  much  as  to  say  do  you  hear  that,  my  boy) 
that  I  call  independence.-    He  was  in  great  spirits,  the  old 
man,  he  was  so  proud  of  winnin  the  race,  and  puttin  the 
leake  mto  the  New  Yorkers— he  looked  all  dander.     Let 
them  great  hungry,  ill  favoured,  long  legged  bitterns,  says 
he,  (only  he  called  them  by  another  name  that  don't  sound 
quite  pretty)  from  the  outlandish  states  to  Congress,  talk 
about  independence;  but  Sam,  said  he,  (hitting  the  shiners 
agin  till  he  made  them  dance  right  up  an  eeud  in  his  pocket) 
1  like  to  feel  it.  ' 

No,  Sam,  said  he,  line  the  pocket  well  first,  make  that 
independent,  and  then  the  spirit  will  be  like  a  horse  turned 
out  to  grass  m  the  spring,  for  the  first  time;  he's  all  head 
and  tail,  a  snortm  and  kickin  and  racin  and  carryincr  on 
like  mad— it  soon  gets  independent  too.     While  it's  in  the 
stall  it  may  hold  up,  and  paw,  and  whiner,  and  feel  as 
spry  as  any  thing,  but  the  leather  strap  keeps  it  to  the 
manger,  and  the  lead  weight  to  the  eend  of  it  makeg  it  hold 
down  Its  head  at  last.     No,  says  he,  here's  independence, 
and  he  gave  the  eagles  such  a  drive  with  his  fist,  he  bust 
lis  pocket,  and  sent  a  whole  raft  of  them  a  spinnin  down 
his  leg  to  the  ground.     Says  I,  Father,  (and  I  swear  I 
could  hardly  keep  from  larfin,  he  looked  so  peskily  vexed) 
father,  says  I,  I  guess  there's  a  moral  in  that  are  too-- 
extremes  nary  way  are  none  o'  the  best.    Well,  well,  says 


T8 


THE    CLOCKMAKER. 

bS  P^':^^  ^ -PPose  you're  half  right,  Sa^ 
see  If  I  have  picked  em  all  ,in  r     '  "^'""P  ^^^  ^^^J^*  and 


CHAPTER  XVI. 

MR.  SLICK'S  OPINION  OF  THE  BRITISH. 
,„^^»AT  success  had   VOU    saM   T    •     .l 
<-'ocks  among  the  Scotch    nS    '    "  ^^^  "^^^  °^  youi 
vince?  do  you  find  them  as  ^^11;^'"'"  P^^*  ^^  the  Pro- 
Well,  said  he,  you  have  hird    ill  tK^'  '^^  blue-noses? 
answers  one  question,  withom  avL      ^^^^  ^^"'^^^  "ever 
m  you  ever' see  an  EnS  sS  n"''^"''  ^f^^"^  ^^^  ? 
because  if  you  hante  obsafved  f,yiP"'''^'^^^e  a  bow? 
\\  is,  I  swan.     He  brings  his  riLf/'  ^"^  ^  -^"^^  ««« 
bis  face,  and  passes  on,''with  a  knl  '™  ?'  J'«^  «^^««« 
as  much  as  to^ay,  h";  do  von  H      ''.''°^,  ^^  ^'«  ^^^d. 
-y  wheels,  or  I'l/fetch  your  Cset^a  licl  'T  ^^^^^  °' 
as  sure  ^s  you're  born:  L  LT^      ^^  '"  ^'^^  "^''"^h 
ftnd  off  the  blow  of  a  s^Tck  Lm^h"'  P"''  "P,^^^  P«^  *« 
fhe  way  I  pass  them  are  bare  WhJd  ScT.  ^'"'  J^^^'^ 
If  they  were  located  down   i^T    ® J^^^h^ien.    Lord, 
mashes,  how  the  musquittrwould  tic'l  fr  ^""^^^l-«« 
they  ?    They'd  set  'em  scratchin  thi     t  ^"^  "P'  ^ould'nt 
man  does  his  head,  when  S  .n    '^^?°"?'  ^«  ^"  J"sh. 
are  fellers  cut  thei    lye  teethMeTh^  '^  ^  "'•     ^^^™ 
this  country,  I  expectf    When  thev  t?  '"f  '?  ^«°^  ^° 
Ifnow  what  to  do  with  it    thatl   «  ?  ?^  1  ^^"^^^^^  they 
pouch  and  drop  it  in,  and  its  jot  a  W  '  *^7  °P^"   ^^^^^ 
-it  holds  fast  to  allit  sets  uSl^;    T"i  ^'^^  ^  ^^^-t^ap 
ger.     They  are  proper^  flinff      '^'^'^  '°  ^  ^'^''^d  nig. 
meal  is  no ^eat 'sha£  at  be'  "   J  ^tZ^^  ''''''''     ''^'^ 
a  horse  as  real  yaller  Varginy  co  n   butT  ''  ^^^  ^°' 

-  in  New  England;  tht^trheXfstrit^ 


tl 
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evi 
a  t 


MR.    slick's  OPmiOBT,    ETC.  79 

Jchiri^SHciiKrct^''^"  r  ^^"  --' 

first  drive.     Ifthe  iZn  n7     b       ^^^  ^^^^  ^"^  ^^^  ^^ol  fho 
well  as  th;v  do  thPvM  h   ^^'  ^"""^  '^^  ^^'"^  ^^  '"oney  as 

you  have  heerd  tell  oFL'f^L's  Snfjtn'  '  f^"  ^^^ 
notice  over  hi.  factory  gate  at  I  nLn  "^  ^1  er-he  put  a 
men  admitted  within  [hSewajs'^  '  .\''^T  °^  ^"^^• 
set  a  flame  auoin  amonrmr^,^/. '  '  ?'f  ^^'  ^^^  «"e  ^^i" 
galls.     I  woSt  havTnn  ^^  ^^T'  ^"^  '  ^^^^^  ^"^  '«"g  m> 

Things  abounL^Tno^L^^unt"  mrth  «»^  .^r^' °"' 
our  folks  to  join  in  tho  froT\  ^^^^V^^  ^'""'^^  ^'^nted 

«lave  trade,  I  r  coj^ec  ^Sd  Tnh°1^  "^^^'^  °^  '^- 
ought  to  humour  themfro  %tvs  t"  i  """  'Y'  ^^  ^^^ 
labour  on  easier  terms^  bv ThlS  ^^v/^^  s"PPly  us  with 
they  work  better    a^d  th       ^^?  °V^  ^^^  ^"«h.     Says  he, 

livesolong     &  fct'^X'n.'^^  ""^  ^^^^  ^^"^ 

on  for  evei^  and  a  proper  biH^f      ""^  ""'^  P"'  ^°^'^''  ^«"g 

weather  and  ne^ruTrSb  out  th^'"'"  '^'^^''^  ^"^  ^>°^ 
ones.  "^  °"^  ^^e  poor  rates  for  tother 

thJKSe'a^hea?  ^t/'/'t  "^^^  '  ^^^^  «^^"  -^ 
all  over  the  thrsht  floor  •  t'tZ  T^  "^^^^er-it  flies 
ed,  ungainly,  kicken  breed  of  cattle  a? l':'  '  '^°^^  ^^^^^"- 
seed.  Whoever  <xave  them  h^n  '  I  f ,"  ^  "^'^^^  e^^^i* 
-hat  he  was  abou1  I  tell  v^„  r  7'^  °^  "^^^^  ''^""'  knew 
bull-headed  folk ", '/  w^' "ilkv  t'T  '?  '"  ^""^^^J^'^d. 
critters,  a  pawin  and  a  roannhJ'  k^  1^  ^^"'Pered,  vicious 
onsafe  "nlL  we^lUe;  "  ^tj^  -^  P'«guy 

mules,  and  as  conceited  as  peacocks  ^^^^'^'^ong  a. 

Iheastonishment  with  which  rhp'nrdfKic  ♦•    j 
fny  countrymen,  absorbed  every  feel fn.  nf        ""^^  ^^^^""^^ 
listened  with   ama/nmpnf  «!  ^J^  P  °^  resentment.     I 

which  he  uftered  irH  treat  d  iff '^  '""r"^^  ^^'^ 
evident  truths,  that  nerd  ne  tr.rn  ?'  ''"''  ^^  ^^'^^^  ^^l^' 
«  thing  we,,  k'nown  aTd'adm         ZlnZlXnT^''  '''  " 

Ihere'snorichersightthatlkn^vfifHStthantc 


^0 


THE    CLOCKMAKER. 


over  the  pavement  like  a  bear  ove?  hot  im,;  ''™"'=™ 

ward  hulk  of  a  feller  r&r  fh„°^f  ??   u  """  S'^"'  a^k- 
French  in  manner";''  S'a  'y"    ^a's^a^f  •»  "-o 

bium  of  both  kindfa  poSket  fTrf  ""•"'"'  "f  '°'^  "'"■'I'* 
of  lother:  beant  he  lovdv^^Ln  L      u    !  "."^  "  mouthful 

a  tiger,  as  mueh  a    ,„  Ly,  "  avToo  <  ""'^  "'  ""f  «^ 
dare.'  ' '    ^*y  ""^  '"  "  goose,  if  you 

on^vdS'ard  w^ht"""''  ""^  T'^^--^^'  *<■  ™P«ve 
You-Il  /eareh^CwhTe  Itell' voTf  ""  ""'T"  ^P«^'-- 
that,  take  him  bv  and  hi  ■  ^  '  f*"''^  y™  "  '■'"i  a  man 
enlightened  cilil:"'  H  f 'tlfeX  'Z  V  T  [""' '"" 
wmd,  and  bottom;  he's  dear  gri.ll'^ntr  to'Jhe  bflT^' 
you  may  depend.  Its  eenerallv  ^Il^wS^i  'he  baek  bone, 
of  them  to  be  found  anf  wh.r.  i  ^  *^''?  "'"'  "'^  ^eat 
an  eel,  and  eu?e  a^a  wea';i  ^tI"'.  t"'  ^^'^  '«' 
shouldn't  say  it,  thev  ftiX  ^,t  J  ^^^  ^  ""^  '''  that 
.heyareaeti]i;Vu''a7to^'Jjh:=^«  *«  ^'""e  oif  ereation- 

him^elftlp^/aL""™  '^eU  tt*"'  "?,  ^"^^  "^^--^ 
would  only  weaken  it<;.(^'  ?      ^y  thing  additional 

conversatio^n  Tm^elle  y  by  nointl"',"'^''''  '=''™8^<'  ">' 
tie  distance  from  the  houi  L'^  ^  °  "  "''"  "'  ^""e  lit- 
rock  maple  or  s"™' t-ee  it  »  ^^"f  "-'"S  ">at  it  was  the 
profitable'  one  too?o  mS  It  ^iK  {  T'  '^"^  '}"'  '"^  " 
years,  tho'  it  gets  exhaS;d  at  last.  ^'  '""'""«  «='  ">a„y 

begtarto'^r„rthe  top%nd'i;r,  "7 "  r.  '^^^^ «» " 

and  Slop  the  everlastS'flo^v  nr  ^^  °"'-'''"''  »  "  ^P"e 
together.  All  the  moTev  ft,,?  !, '^^^  "  ""'"  P^'^h  "" 
that's  paid  on  it  anTa  n '^fv  '""^f  H?'  ""  ""=  '"'erest 
too,  alfgoos  ab;o:3  for  iSm^rtd-t  °  ^"T"  "'  "="' 

»^rd^thtI1ht:??"F?^•"^^^^^^^^^^^^ 
■ho^otof  .ht:;^ircf.''^;fr  s'pt„*-«'^  °"-  - 

Now  you  may  make  even  a  bog  .oo^ryi'you  may  take 


Mn.  slick's  orjNioN,  etc.  31 

the  moisture  out  to  tliat  degree  thnf  fJ.n  .•«..,     -i     , 
dust,  and  blows  away.    TiS  En^  sh  f  L    ^  'j'^  ^^°'"^* 
radroads,  and  canals^  are  aH  ab?ort'""yt  r'c^^^^^^    ?'"' 
spunge,  and  w  II  lick  it  un  -.<,  f.,cf  f  ^  ^  ^^  ^''^^  ** 

That^ery  bridge  we  heeTd  of  ^^f  w'  T"  """  '"^'^^  ^f' 
^0.-  Brunswickfand  wiUnav  toll  to  /h  t"''  ''•  ''''''^  '" 
capitalists  of  Nova  ScX  llVfyi  ^f  •  P^'"^^'  '^'^o 
wont  keep  it  in  repair  the vneith  '  ^  ^•"'"^  ^'^"^^^  '^^X 
boards,  nor  stopTleak  to  jLn  '/''"'  'I  ^°  P^^^^^'^^  ^he 
let  it  go  to  vvraSk^t'e^tM^^  ^^.[f "  '*  ^"^ 

^'&s    S^rTp-rL?^"  out,  the^'sTy!^"^ '"  ^  ^- 

that  does  nothirbut  so  outcV^fn\''  5  '^"^  ^"  ^'•'^"t^'- 
himself,"Well  if  Innt.n      ^P/"  ^''  ^^"'  ^  ^^inkin  to 

have  a  most  "p Lnd" l^^^^^^^  ''^•''  ^^'«  ^  Pi^y  »•  I 

these  here  wood?,  let  him  be  "hot  ^  Il'but'S'^"^"  /" 
to  my  feet,  and  have  to  sit  for  everla^  nalvl  ^  "°  T^'" 
paws  to  keep  'em  warm ;  if  it  vva  n'f  fof  fhat'^T  ''"  "^  T,? 
make  some  o' them  chin«  thn/r  u  ^  '  '  §"ess  I'd 
horns  to  their  S  look  A  '  t^'^"''  '  '"^  '^'^'  ^^'^  ^"^ 
It's  dismal,  now  a?nt'  t  ?'' ifjl*  It?  T"^  '^^^P'  '  ^^"o^- 
nor's  message,  if  I  wo^Idi^JJhw 'em  hoTlo  t'^'  ?^^^^' 

sJiCiS^"^'-  ^'^  -^^reiiiTcrSe^rthri:^^^^^^ 

~telit\t:r  &tr^^^^^^^^  ^^-™  «oat  once 

P-  scared  they  were  to  see  ^^eld^^^^^^^^  ^^  P- 

g««n  right  straight  ahead  nine  knnT  T  '^^'^  °^  '^^^'S' 
wind's  eye,  and  a  ffrea^.t'^nr  r  i"""  ^O"^'  '"  the  very 
as  the  tail  of  a  comet  beiv  T^\^''''  ^er  as  long 
NK.k  alive,  a  trealt  him'self  Jl'  :jj^'°"f  ^ ''  '^Z  ^'^ 
the  niggers  a  clip-in  it  awav  fmr^  u  i  ^°"  ^o"'<^  see 
ana  the'soldie:  'a  moj  n'Sf  aT  ifevT'  '^i:  'T  "^^' 
wore  agoin  to  .ake  the  whole  countrvV^''""^*  '^^*  ^« 
haJf-starved,  orange  coloured  InT  ^'o  ^^^^^ntly  a  little, 
drossed  off  in  his  Hvery  a"  /ne  ^s  "^  officer,  alt' 

two  men  in  a  boat  to  board  us      wj^^'  ^"^!  "ff  with 

'  -y  bo  shot  ^^n,:7^z^!zt^^^:z 


& 
I 


i  i 


^ 


89 


THE   CLOCKMAKER. 


With  that  force,  it  knocked  up  the  starn  like  a  plank  till 

when  one  of  the  boys  playing  on  it  is  heavier  than  t'other! 

and  chucked  him  right  atop  of  the  wheel  house— you  never 

see  da  fellow  m  such  a  dunderment  in  your  life.     He  had 

picked  up  a  little  English  from  seein  our  folks  there  so 

much,  and  when  he  got  up,  the  first  thing  he  said  was, 

iiamn  all  sheenery,  I  say,  where's  my  boat?'  and  he  look- 

ed  round  as  if  he  thought  it  had  jumped  on  board  too, 

rour  boat,  said  the  Captain,  why  I  expect  it's  gone  to  the 

bottom,  and  your  men  have  gone  down  to  look  arter  it,  for 

we  never  see'd  or  heerd  tell  of  one  or  t'other  of  them  arter 

the  bout  was  struck.    Yes,  I'd  make  'em  stare  like  that  are 

Spanish  officer,  as  if  they  had  see'd  out  of  their  eyes  for 

the  first  time.   Governor  Campbell  didn't  expect  to  see  such 

didn"t"^'^  '^^  ^^'^  ^^^en  he  came  here,  I  reckon,  I  know  he 

When  I  was  a  little  boy,  about  knee  high  or  so,  and  livea 
down  Connecticut  river,  mother  used  to  say,  Sam,  if  you 
don  t  give  over  acting  so  like  old  Scratch,  I'll  send  you  off 

w  n  r   .}^^'  ""^  ^"'"'^  ^^  y°"  ^""^  born,  I  will,  I  vow. 
Well,  Lord,  how  that  are  used  to  frighten  me  ;  it  made  mv 
hair  stand  right  up  on  eetid,  like  a  cat's  back  when  she's 
wrathy ;  it  n.ade  me  drop  it  as  quick  as  wink— like  a  tin 
night  cap  put  on  a  dipt  candle  agoin  to  bed,  it  put  tlie  fun 
right  out.     Neighbour  Dearborn's  darter  married  a  gentle- 
man  to  Yarmouth,  that  speculates  in  the  smuggling  line : 
well  when  she  went  on  board  to  sail  down  to  Nova  Scotia, 
all  her  folks  took  on  as  if  it  was  a  funeral ;  they  said  she 
was  goin  to  be  buried  alive,  like  the  nuns  in  Portengale 
that  get  a  frolickin,  break  out  of  the  pastur,  and  race  ofl^ 
and  get  catched  and   brought   back  agin.     Says  the  old 
Colonel,  her  father.  Deliverance,  my  dear,  I  would  sooner 
oiler  you  to  your  grave,  for  that  would  be  an  eend  to  your 
roubles,  than  to  see  you  go  ofl;-  to  that  dismal  country,  ^ 
Jiats  nothin  but  an  iceburg  aground ;  and  he  howled  as 
loud  as  an  Irishman  that  trios  to  wake  his  wife  wher  she  is 
dead.     A\yful  accounts  we  have  of  the  country,  there's  a 
act  I  but  If  the  Province  is  not  so  bad  as  they  make  it  out. 
he  tolks  are  a  thousand  times  worse. 

You've  seen  a  flock  of  partridges  of  a  frosty  morniu  in 
the  fall,  a  crowdin  out  of  the  shade  to  a  sunny  spot,  and 


MR.    SLICKS   OPINION,   ETC.  |^ 

huddim  up  there  in  the  warmth— well  fh^  l.l.,n  ««        l 

«f  ,^'^''f['y-     They  spend  three  months  fn   Sifax   and 

^lolw  R^  tr^  /"^^^  S^^^  "^^  ^  ^<>»-r  once  to  go  ^2 
Jie  fair  at  Hartford,  and  when  I  came  back,  says  he  lam 

what  have  you  got  to  show  for  it?    Now  I  Txthtl  u     ' 

rn.7  '°.f  "^  ^"r  '^'''  '^'^^  "^°"ths'  settW 7  Thev'^Tn", 
folks  :  thev  makp  Vm  k^i,,..,      m      "''""fa  •   -iJiey  miSiead 

more  to  feed  them  when  ?hey  ar^'atehin    r''''^, ,<=»?'» 
others  could  eat  if  thev  did  hr.„l  "'"™'"'  """i  a"  the 
Indeed,  some  folks  say  Lya^eTte  mot"?  "".''  ««'  '» 
.wo,  and  ought  to  go  to%Sd  .hemseWes     l7T^  f  *« 

i^i,sr4The';"St'rri^^^^^^^^^^^ 


M 


THE    CLOCKMAKF.R. 


1 


I  ! 


i 

i 


CHAPTER  XVII. 

A  VANfEE  HANDLE  FOR  A  HALIFAX  BLADE. 

I  Mi!T  a  man  this  rnornin,  said  the  Clockmaker,  from 
Halifax,  a  real  conceited  lookin  critter  as  you  een  a  most 
ever  seed,  all  shines  and  didos.     He  looked  as  if  he  had 
picked  up  his  airs  arter  some  officer  of  the  regilars  had 
worn  'cm  out  and  cast  'em  off.     They  sot  on  him  like  se- 
cond-hand clothes,  as  if  thoy  had'nt  been  made  for  him  and 
did'nt  exaciiy  fit«     He  looked  fine,    but  awkward,  like  a 
captain  of  militia,  when  he  gets  his  uniform  on,  to  play 
sodger ;   a  thiukin  himself  mighty  handswm,  and  that  all 
the  world  is  a  1o.-,.:m)  at  him.     He  marched  up  and  down 
afore  the  street  door  like  a  peacock,  as  large  as  life  and 
twice  as  ntural;  he  had  a  riding  whip  in°his  hand,  and 
every  now  and  then  struck  it  agin  his  thigh,  as  much  as  to 
say,  Aint  that  a  splendid  leg  for  a  boot,  now  ?    Won't  I  as- 
tonish the  Amherst  folks,  that's  all  1     Thinks  I  you  are  a 
■  pretty  blade,  aint  you  ?     I'd  like  to  fit  a  Yankee  handle  on 
to  you,  that's  a  fact.    When  I  came  up,  he  held  up  his  head 
near  about  as  high  as  a  shot  factory,  and  stood  with  his 
fists  on  his  hips,  and  eyed  mo  from  head  to  foot,  as  a 
shakin  quakcr  does  a  town  lady :  as  much  as  to  say,  what 
n  queer  critter  you  be,  that's  toggery  I  never  seed  afore, 
you  re  somi:  carnjil  minded  maiden,  that's  sartain. 

Well,  says  he  to  me,  with  the  air  of  a  man  that  chucks 
a  cent  into  a  beggar's  hat,  a  fine  day  this,  sir.  Do  you 
actilly  think  so?  said  I,  and  I  gave  it  the  real  Connecticut 
drawl.  Why,  said  he,  quite  short,  if  I  did'nt  think  so,  I 
would'nt  say  so.  Well,  says  I,  I  don't  know,  but  if  I  did 
think  so,  I  guess  I  would'nt  say  so.  Why  not  ?  says  he— 
Bectusc,  i  expect,  says  I,  any  fool  could  see  that'^as  well 
as  me ;  and  then  1  stared  at  him,  as  much  as  to  say,  now 
if  you  like  that  are  «wap,  I  urn  ready  to  trade  with  you 
agia  as  soon  as  you  like.  Well,  he  turned  right  round  on 
his  heel  and  walked  off,  a  whistlin  Yankee  Doodle  to  him. 


A    YANKEE    HANDLE,   ETC.  gg 

iookbTi&it!"^^^^^^  Taid  th'"°"  "'°  ^^^^  -^  Yankee 
Mr.  Slick.  Sho  •  •  said  hp  h  ^  ^'°°"' !.  ^^^^  ^  g"ess  .ts 
theClockmaker!whvTtanrL  M^°?  *^'^-  ^^^t  Slick 
that  are  afore,  I  dS  1  IrTh'^^'" '  '  ^'^^  '  ^^^  «  ^n^wn 
^m,  folks  saV  he  s  ai«..n  r  ^  ^^i?*  °""»«ity  »«  see 
urned  and  sta^  as  if  irwa?  uif\  ^"""^  ^^^'-«nd  jS 

no  time.  •^'  ^  ii  nx  a  Yankee  handle  on  to  him  in 

-nks  right  do^^    Ind  taZV^J'V^^^^^^^ 
^^i^neyerhstinhadsliTlZl^^V''^  ^"^  grease,  :^ 
to  feed  their  lamp,  and  Uean'tlurn  ^'^  ^""'^  ^»°^  ^ow 
«-,  the  jig  is  up  vSih  rLkrind  ^'s  all  th  "'^''""  .^«» 
If  a  man  sits  at  his  door  nnH  T     \  ^^^'"^  °^n  ^ault- 

a  eatin  up  of  his  crop  and  l^s  T.T^'  '""'^  ^"  ^^«  «-'d, 
gram,  and  won't  so  much  as  Tf^T'  ^  ^^''*'»  ««"  ^is 
snould  say  it  sarves  h?m  ri.ht  ^        "^  ^"'"  ""^  «"^'  ^^y  I 

wotldt^S^^rytTd'V^'?  ^^^^  '^^-^^-'^^  I.  i^ 
folks  yet  that  c^uld  Lderstand  a  h?r/^"  ^^^  ^^  ^^^r 
Well,  says  I,  I  will  tell  you  what  T  ^'°'"  ^  ^^"^««^'- 
from  Cape  Sable  to  Canl  rZ  ■  \  "^ean— draw  a  line 

and  it  will  split  it  into'^^^t'T;  "'^^''  '^^'^  *^^  P^^^inc^ 
mto  two  halves;  now  sals  r  k  ''^^'  f"^  ^  *^"t  an  apple 
half  of  the  apple  Wo^X  IIm^'  ^^'J'  "^^  ^^^  ^<^ten 
sound  half  belong^  to  St"^ohn  Y  '  ^."^  '^^  ^^^er  and 
on  the  sea.coast"is  all  stoned  r  I  "  ''^\^^  '^^  P^^^ince 
Jight  of  rocks  in  my  iffl  tTi  ^T  '^"^  ""^^  a  proper 
^ell,  tother  side  2  th^'  BayTr%^  ^°.  ^^':^^^«  ^  'abL. 


86 


THE   CLOCKMAKER. 


with  half  the  trouble.  St.  John  is  the  natural  capital  of  thd 
Bay  of  Fundy,  it  will  be  the  largest  city  in  America,  nexi 
to  New  York.  It  has  an  immense  back  country  as  big  as 
Great  Britain,  a  first  cho|)  river,  and  amazin  sharp  folks, 
most  as  cute  as  the  Yankees — its  a  splendid  location  for 
business.  Well,  they  draw  all  the  produce  of  the  Bay 
shores,  and  where  the  produce  goes  the  supplies  return — it 
will  take  the  whole  trade  of  the  Province ;  I  guess  your 
rich  folks  will  find  they've  burnt  their  fingers,  they've  put 
their  foot  in  it,  that's  a  fact.  Houses  without  tenants — 
wharves  without  shipping,  a  town  without  people — what  a 
grand  investment ! !  If  you  have  any  loose  dollars,  let  'ein 
out  on  a  mortgage  in  Halifax,  that's  the  security — keep 
clear  of  the  country  for  your  life — the  people  may  run, 
but  the  town  can't.  No,  take  away  the  troops,  and  you'nj 
done — you'll  sing  the  dead  march  folks  did  at  Louisburg 
and  Shelburne.  Why  you  hant  got  a  single  thing  worth 
havin,  but  a  good  harbour,  and  as  for  that  the  coast  is  full 
on  'em.  You  hav'nt  8  pine  log,  a  spruce  board,  or  a  refuse 
shingle ;  you  neither  raise  wheat,  oats,  or  hay,  nor  never 
can ;  you  have  no  staples  on  airth,  unless  it  be  them 
iron  ones  for  the  padlocks  in  Bridewell — you've  sowed  pride, 
and  reaped  poverty,  take  care  of  your  crop,  for  it's  worth 
harvestin — you  have  no  river  and  no  country,  what  in  the 
name  of  fortin  have  you  to  trade  on  ? 

But,  said  he,  (and  he  showed  the  whites  of  his  eyes  like 
a  wall-eyed  horse)  but,  said  he,  Mr.  Slick,  how  is  it,  then, 
Halifax  ever  grew  at  all,  has'nt  it  got  what  it  always  had ; 
it's  no  worse  than  it  was.  I  guess,  said  I,  that  pole  aint 
strong  enough  to  bear  you,  neither ;  if  you  trust  to  that 
you'll  be  into  the  brook,  as  sure  as  you  are  born ;  you  once 
had  the  trade  of  the  whole  Province,  but  St.  John  has  run 
off  with  that  now — you've  lost  all  but  your  trade  in  blue 
l)erries  and  rabbits  with  the  niggers  at  Hammond  Plains. 
You've  losi  your  customers,  your  rivals  have  a  better  stand 
for  business — they've  got  the  corner  store — -four  great 
streets  meet  there,  and  its  near  the  market  slip. 

Well,  he  stared ;  says  he,  I  believe  you're  right,  but  I 
never  though*  of  that  afore ;  (thinks  I,  nobody  ever  suspect 
you  of  the  trick  of  thinkin,  that  ever  I  heerd  tell  of;)  some 
of  our  great  rnen,  said  he,  laid  it  all  to  your  folks,  selling 


■W^ 


A    YANKEE    HANDLE,    ETC. 


87 


(K)  many  Clocks  and  Polyglot  Bibles,  they  say  you  lmv« 
aken  off  a  hornd  sight  of  money.     Did  they,  fndeed     a  3 
I;  well,  I  guess  ,t  tante  pins  andneedles  that'^  the  ex;H^n  e 
of  house.keep,n,  it  ,s  something  more  eostly  Vha„  That 
Well  some  folks  say  its  the  Banks,  says  he.     Better  stU! 
says  I,  perhaps  youVe  hearn  tell  toof  that  gr^sL   tt' 
ax  e  makes  a  g,g  harder  to  draw,  for  there's  filHSfut  S^ 
much  sense  m  that.     Well  then,  says  he,  others  s^v  it^ 
smugglm  has  made  us  so  poor      That  cuess    sniH  ^T    • 
most  as  good  as  tother  one,  whoever  fi^r^hatsee^" 
ought  to  get  a  patent  for  it,  for  its  worth  knowin!    Then 
the  country  has  grown  poorer,  has'nt  it,  because  it   hn, 
bought  cheaper  this  year  than  it  did  the  yearS  e?  wSv 
your  folks  are  cute  chaps,  I  vow;  they'd^zzl^  a  Phiffi' 

w«  fn  if  ^a'  f"'^  y,"""  P°^^«*  *^e  sJ^iners.  Its  no  joke 
wait  n  for  a  dead  man's  shoes.  Suppose  an  old  feUer  of 
eighty  was  to  say  wlien  that  are  younVfeUer  dies  I'm  ^I 
inherit  his  property,  what  would  you^  think  ?Vhv  ? 
guess  you'd  think  he  was  an  old  fool.  X  «W^^^^^^^^ 


88 


THE   CLOCKMAKGR. 


ever  save  from  drowning  in  all  my  born  days,  If  that's  all 
the  Ihanks  I  get  for  it.  No,  sir,  Halifax  has  lost  the  run 
of  its  custom.  Who  does  Yarmouth  trade  with  ?  St.  John. 
Who  does  Annapolis  County  trade  with?  St.  John.  Who 
do  all  the  folks  on  the  Basin  of  Mines,  and  Bay  Shore,  trade  . 
with  ?  St.  John.  Who  does  Cumlierland  trade  with  ?  St. 
John.  Well,  Pictou,  Lunenburg,  and  Liverpool  supply 
themselves,  and  the  rest  that  aint  wort  havin,  trade  with 
Halifax.  They  take  down  a  few  half-starved  pigs,  old 
viteran  geese,  and  long  legged  fowls,  some  ram  mutton  and 
tuf  beef,  and  swap  them  for  tea,  sugar,  and  such  little 
notions  for  their  old  women  to  home ;  while  the  railroads 
and  canals  of  St.  John  are  goin  to  cut  off  your  Gulf  Shore 
trade  to  Miramichi,  and  along  there.  Flies  live  in  the  sum- 
mer and  die  in  winter,  you're  jist  as  noisy  in  war  as  those 
little  critters,  but  you  sing  small  in  peace. 

No,  your  done  for,  you  are  up  a  tree,  you  may  depend, 
pride  must  fall.  Your  town  is  like  a  ball  room  arter  a 
dance.  The  folks  have  eat,  drank,  and  frolicked,  and  left 
an  empty  house ;  the  lamps  and  hangings  are  left,  but  the 
people  are  gone. 

Is  there  no  remedy  for  this  ?  said  ho,  and  he  looked  as 
wild  as  a  Cherokee  Indian.  Thinks  I,  the  handle  is  fitten 
on  proper  tight  now.  Well,  says  I,  when  a  man  has  a 
cold,  he  had  ought  to  look  out  pretty  sharp,  afore  it  gets 
seated  on  liis  lungs ;  if  he  don't,  he  gets  into  a  gallopin 
consumption,  and  it's  gone  goose  v/ith  him.  There  is  a 
remedy,  if  applied  in  tims :  make  a  railroad  to  Minaa 
Basin,  and  you  have  a  way  for  your  customers  to  get  to 
you,  and  a  conveyance  for  your  goods  to  them.  When 
I  was  in  New  York  last,  a  cousin  of  mine,  Hezekiah  Slick, 
said  to  me,  I  do  believe,  Sam,  I  shall  be  ruined ;  I've  lost 
all  my  custom,  they  are  widening  and  improving  the  streets, 
and  there's  so  many  carts  and  people  to  work  in  it,  folks 
can'i  come  to  my  shop  to  trade,  what  on  airth  shall  I  do 
and  I'm  pay  in  a  dreadful  high  rent,  too?  Stop  Ki,  says  I 
when  the  street  is  all  finished  off"  and  slicked  up,  they  1 
all  come  back  agin,  and  a  whole  raft  more  on  'em  too^ 
you'll  sell  twice  as  much  as  ever  you  did,  you'll  put  off"  a 
proper  swad  of  goods  next  year,  you  may  depend ;  and  so 
i.E  did,  he  made  money,  hand  over  hand.     A  railroad  w  1 


A   YANKEE    HANDLE.   ETC.  gjj 

them,  and  you'll  never  divTrf;/  n  "  !^''\7  ^^^^  ««"'«J  in 
a  fellor  waits  til  a  gal  Rets  mar?gl?  1°  ""  ^^^''"i^y-  ^hen 
'ate  to  pop  the  quesS  ?h1n  '  '  ^  ^""'^  '^  ^'"  '^  ^^^ 

chote'ttTou  ^;:,sf  ::eVlorser '•  ^r^^  ^'^/^ 
man  has  only  one         nn7    y?""^^ves,  I  tell  you.     If  « 

artificial  on?   If^,^  Uv7'"''  '°  ^'^''^'  ^«  "^"^^  get  nn 
that  will  supply  its"'  dLp      R  ";  "'^''■'  ^^'^^  '^  ^"'''•oad.  and 

said  it  neve'r'^i   Vt  n  thewor17:K^''''^^''■^^'P-P'« 
scheme  as  the  canal      Dn  1 1?      •    ,'  ^5°^  ""^  '^'«  ««  mad  a 
to  me  then,  and  rjl  fit  ZtiT^''^:  'T  ^ '^  ^^^^  ^hem 
say  it  will  pay,  and  SL  h.tf  n      r  • "  ^°  ^^^"^ '"  ^^  ^u's.     I 
thirds  of  the^  tock.    Lflou  nv  'V"'  ^"'^^  ^'"  ^^^^^  ^u 
your  folks,  ax  whe  her  a  doso  of  ^"'.- '•'*'  ^"^  ^^'^  ^^^^  but 
it  was  given  to  save  life  7  If  that  ev^W  7 "'"^^ ^  ^^^^^ 
can  secure  to  New  York  the  sunn?     r  .f "  i^"S  Erie  canal 
most  tother  side  of  creation  su3/      '^-f'  ^'  °^  ^^""^^7. 
miles  can  give  you  theSof  thlV  '""'r'n'^  ^^  ^*''*^y-five 
road  will  |o  from  HaHfav  to  W-^  "^  ""^  ^  ""'^y-     A  rail, 
town,  easier  to  senrioods  ?rl'"'^'°^^"^  '"^'^^  ^^^-^  one 
Governor  CampI^U's^Hnn  J 7  aT  .^^^ofJ^er,  than  from 
bridge  makes  aS  a^ver  makes  Tf'    ^^^^burn's.     A 
a  town,  but  a  railronH  ;/i!  -^        ■     ^  ^'''''"'  «  ^anal  makes 
all  in  one  ; What  a t  In^n  f '  "'"f'  thoroughfare,  canal! 
would'nt  it?'  It  wou?dT>e  tSfdanSf  ftf  '""'^  "°"'^  "^^ 
you  go  back,  take  a  ,    ce  of  cS^^d  ^/''^^P'  ^^^" 
•vnte  on  every  door  n  H^nkl   •  -'1  ^  ^^^  ^^^^  ^ark  night, 

-and  if  the/dtn  wt^CnTo  T""-'^  ''^^^^ 
Yankee  word :  if  you'll  ant^  q      "S.°f  ^''  says  you  it's  a 
»he  chap  that  fixed Tyafkl  .     ^5.  ®^''^''  ^^^  Clockmaker, 
(and  I  ^made  h  m  a  sc^^o^  of  rt  ^"  *°  ^  ^^'^^^"^  blade 
that's  you,)  every  manTnt  .  ^  ^^^'^f  "'"^^  ^^  to  say 

bout  iRaillold  '^*  ^"^'  ^  ^^°^^  shall  hear  ali 

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Photographic 

Sciences 

Corporation 


23  WEST  MAIN  STREET 

WEBCTER.N.Y.  14580 

(716)  872-4503 


^ 


w 


00 


THE   CLOOKMAKEK. 


CHAPTER  XVIII. 


,  ■ 


THE  GRAHAMITE  AND  THE  IRl&H  PILOT. 

I  THINK,  said  I,  this  is  a  ht^y  country,  Mr  Slick 
The  people  are  fortunately  all  of  one  origin,  there  are  n 
national  jealousies  to  divide,  and  no  very  violent  p  cities  to 
agitate  them.  1'hey  appear  to  be  cheerful  and  contented, 
and  are  a  civil,  good-natured,  hospitable  race.  Considering 
the  unsettled  state  of  almost  every  part  of  the  world,  I  think 
I  would  as  soon  cast  my  lot  in  Nova  Scotia  as  in  any  \mTt 
1  know  of. 

Its  a  clever  country,  you  may  depend,  said  he,  a  very 
clever  country  ;  full  of  mineral  wealth,  aboundin  in  superior 
water  privileges  and  noble  harbours,  a  large  part  of  it  prime 
land,  and  it  is  in  the  very  heart  of  the  fisheries.  But  the 
folks  put  me  in  mind  of  a  sect  in  our  country  they  call  the 
Grahamites — they  eat  no  meat  and.  no  exciting  food,  and 
drink  nothin  stronger  than  Water.  They  call  it  Philosophy 
(and  that  is  such  a  pretty  word  it  has  made  fools  of  more 
folks  than  them  afore  now ;)  but  I  call  it  tarnation  non- 
sense. I  once  travelled  all  through  the  State  of  Maine 
with  one  of  them  are  chaps.  He  was  as  thin  as  a  whippin 
post.  His  skin  looked  like  a  blown  bladder  arter  some  of 
the  air  had  leaked  out,  ^der  wrinkled  and  rumpled  like, 
and  his  eye  as  dim  as  a^mp  that's  livin  on  a  short  allow, 
ance  of  ile.  He  put  me  in  mind  of  a  pair  of  kitchen  tongs, 
all  legs,  shaft,  and  head,  and  no  belly ;  a  real  gander  gutted 
lookin  critter,  as  holler  as  a  bamboo  walkin  cane,  and  twice 
as  yaller.  He  actilly  looked  as  if  he  had  been  picked  off  a 
rack  at  sea,  and  dragged  through  a  gin.  let  hole.  He  was 
a  lawyer.  Thinks  I,  the  Lord  a  massy  i, ^  3,  our  clients, 
vou  hungry,  half-starved  lookin  critter,  you,  you'll  eat  'em 
p  alive  as  sure  as  the  Lord  made  Moses.  You  are  just  the 
hap  to  stram  at  a  gnat  and  swallow  a  camel,  tank,  shank, 
and  flank,  all  at  a  gulp. 

Well,  when  we  came  to  an  inn,  and  a  beef-steak  was  sol 
afore  us  for  dinner,  he'd  say :  Oh,  that  is  100  good  for  me. 


THE  GRAHAMITE,  ETC.  gj 

day.     When  I  linuida^P^i.  ^^  "^'^^  ^^^  chawing  alJ 

th/best  that's  S  Ind  I  «T/  ^IT''  ^  ^^^  *°  ^et  abou 

don't.     ExcitingTdUdM    think.  /  *'?  ^j"  P'^^^^d  if 

o  see  you  excifed  ifkljJ     i    /'   .^^''^»  ^  ^^ould  lik 

What  a  temp^n  lookin  Elr^^  ^u  ?^  ^""  °^  "'«  ^^^ng 

wouldn't  yoS  ?     Why    v«Ln '^  ^  ^"^^^^  *^«  §«"« 

boyshadLppedon  twT«H«^  like  a  subject  the  d^tof 

andhad  cut  sSandtn  for  r"       '  ^"'  '"^  ^°"  "P' 

exct^^,:l;rrsre^'^^^^^^^^^^  'Vs  too 

btr;hyi;^i'  ^hiw^^^^^^^^^^^^  yo^^g^t  to^r 

position?^  Why  saU  I  if  H^T-  ""^^^  ^"^  *^«^  ^^^  pro 
is  natur,  so  is  ellillrlls  aJn^Z^,  ^'^  ^'"^*^^^  °^ ' -- 
s  g^-ass,  we  are  told^sryou  had  hl^  "^'"V'  ?°^  ^"  «^«^ 
It  vegetable;  like  a  man  I  nnii      ^5«^\eat  that  and  cal 
on  a  Friday  and  whpTh  A  /5  '^^^'  '"'^^  ^^^ted  on  fish 

ton  into  the'^iyTn  andTook  it  out  fish'  "'^^^k^'  ^'^«^  '^'  -"  ' 
P^icc,'  that's  all  and  « ^t?  »  •  '  ^^y^"  ^^  '^^  '  changed 
lies  fast  enougt'gTacioult^^^^^^  TheCatL 

great  rousin  hig  fafmon  at  twr'd^f  "^"".''V^^  ^^''  °»  « 
pound,  and  lots  ^  o  WMadeira  to  tlt'^l^  ^T^  ^^"^^^  « 
stomach  ,.  there  is  some  senTe  in  r^o^'f  •''^*  t^*^^  °"  *^« 
arter  that  fashion,  but  pla'v  llnll  in         ^'"^  *^^  ^PP^^'^^ 
I,  friend,  you  miy  Llk  f  boirL?  ^^"'  ""^y*     ^^^  «^y« 
studied  natur  all  L  ]  fe    and^L'  T  ^°"  P'^'^^^'  ^''« 
speak  out,  it  would  tel    von  ^^'i'T  '^  ^^^"^  "^^ur  could 
starved  arter  Tat  plan     Til  f    *  ^T'  ^^'^  ^'^^«  ^°  be 
-arks  of  the  moutfa;  I  Jo,  ^y^u'dW  thT"'  .^'°"^  ^^'^ 
mverous  as  well  as  graniveroustPPt  h       i  ,u  ^°"  ''^^^  <^^^* 
by  that,  you  should  -rr'anV  ht^  tht  ar'J^ 
your  nose,  would  give  a  ticket  nf^°       •     ^  door-keeper, 
Father  rode  a  race^t  New  York  Vl^  ^''""  T  ^""^  "^''"^b. 
hand  to  seventy,  aMtZ^JZl^'Z^^J^-  f  T  "^" 

fine'd^Sf^?X^l»^^ 

-.nedhi.br"i-';::^^i:^;^.^^^^^ 


^ 


THE   CLOCRMAKGR. 


ri 


ll 


fcsed  to  say  there  was  an  old  proverb  in  York".hire,  *  a  full 
belly  makes  a  strong  back,'  and  1  guess  if  you  try  it,  natur 
will  tell  you  so  too.  If  ever  you  go  to  Connecticut,  jist 
call  into  father's,  and  he'll  give  you  a  real  right  down  ge- 
nuine New-England  breakfast,  and  if  that  don't  happify 
your  heart,  then  my  name's  not  Sam  Slick.  It  will  make 
you  feel  about  among  the  stiffest,  I  tell  you.  It  will  blow 
your  jacket  out  like  a  pig  at  sea.  You'll  have  to  shake  a 
reef  or  two  out  of  your  waistbans  and  make  good  stowage 
I  guess,  to  carry  it  all  under  hatches.  There's  nothin  like 
a  good  pastur  to  cover  the  ribs,  and  make  the  hide  shine, 
depend  on't. 

Now  this  Province  is  like  that  are  Grahamite  lawyer's 
beef,  it's  too  good  for  the  folks  that's  in  it ;  they  either  don't 
avail  its  value  or  wont  use  it,  because  work  aint  arter  theii 
Maw  of  natur.'  As  you  say,  they  are  quiet  enough 
(there's  worse  folks  than  the  blue-noses,  too,  if  you  come 
to  that,)  and  so  they  had  ought  to  be  quiet,  for  they  have 
nothin  to  fight  about.  As  tor  politics,  they  have  nothin  to 
desarve  the  name ;  but  they  talk  about  it,  and  a  plaguy 
sight  of  nonsense  they  do  talk  too. 

Now  with  us  the  country  is  divided  into  two  parties,  of 
the  mammoth  breed,  the  ins  and  the  outSj  the  administra- 
tion and  the  opposition.  But  where's  the  administration 
here  ?  Where's  the  War  Office,  the  Foreign  Office,  and 
the  Home  Office?  where's  the  Secretary  of  the  Navy? 
Where's  the  State  Bank?  where's  the  Ambassadors  and 
Diplomatists  (them  are  the  boys  to  v/ind  off  a  snarl  of  rav- 
ellins  as  slick  as  if  it  wei^Hm  a  reel)  and  where's  that  Ship 
of  State,  fitted  up  all  the'  way  from  the  forecastle  clean 
up  to  the  starn  post,  chock  full  of  good  snug  berths,  hand- 
somely found  and  furnished,  tier  over  tier,  one  above  anoth- 
er, as  thick  as  it  can  hold  ?  That's  a  helm  worth  handlen 
I  tell  you ;  I  don't  wonder  that  folks  mutiny  below,  and 
fight  on  the  decks  above  for  it — it  makes  a  plaguy  uproar 
the  whole  time,  and  keeps  the  passengers  for  everlastingly 
ui  a  state  of  alarm  for  fear  they'd  do  mischief  by  bustin 
the  byler,  a  runnin  aground,  or  gettin  foul  of  some  other 
craft. 

This  Province  is  better  as  it  is,  quieter  and  happier  far; 
they  have  berths  enough  and  big  enough,  they  should  be 


J 
c 

« 

a 
ti 
d 
tl 

ai 
in 
e^ 
fit 
loi 
bu 
di! 


'\ 


THE   GRAHAMITE,    ETC.  93 

careful  not  to  Increase  Vm  •  nnri  .1  *u 

«gin,  perhaps  th^/rbe  aL  wellti^^i;!?  Vh' ^°'" 

not^cjrandnoVu^er  iLfhfM^^  *^^^^  «^" 

try  to  obtain  tl  a  ol^^  agitate  the  whole  coun- 

tall  as  his  neighbour  ff 'he  ol      r"  "^-^"u*  ^''^^  ^'^  ^  « 

then  they  are'  both '  of  te  hei.hth"  '  Th"  '''  ''"  "^^ 
dangerous,  disaffected  neonU-^fi^  ^^""^  ^""^  «  "^«st 

to  the  wor  t  passtns  of  tfch  y 'n  "'"'"""y  "PP^«'^» 
aristocrats,  theyMl^ruinatPthi..  t^u'  '^^^  ^°**^^^'  ^^em 
revenu  on  tSselves  m  f  ""I'^' *^7  ^P^nd  the  wholr. 
Judges,  Bisl^onrand  PuK^  nU^''^  ^^'"'^^'■«'  Councillors, 

the  country  is  devoured  as  f  'th  ^'''  ""^T  ""  ""*^«i«»'> 
a  feedin  on  it.  Sre's  notll  l  J^^  ^^°"^  «^  ^°^"«ts 
When  a  chap  sets  cJ'  to  et  Js,  f  ,  ^^^^^^  ^^^  bridges, 
one  side  or  tother      i '  h.  ^^"^«ss,  he's  got  to  antagonise 

then  hel  a  Council  man  t^^V""  *°*^f  P°^^'«  ^^at  be, 

ttn'.-^^^^^^^^^^^^^^   ^aulin  f  ^  ^--. 

vveak  and  LLfcritters  on  bofh^".  ^"'^  *?."^*^"  ^«  *h« 
House  of  Assemblv  va^  Z  It  ^"^^^*  ^^^  ^  ''^^'^^e  the 

/oo/*.  AH  thrril  r  ^^:*«^  '•«^<?*  ««rf  to/Aer  half 
•'X       ,  -^^  ^"'s  arises  from  lenoranpp      Tf*i.^  .  1  " 

of  each  other,  I  eues^  /A^«  V  mZ  ^f*  "^  '*^^  *"""  ^^re 
and  all  their  aLle  Vheli^''"''^'  T  "^'Z  their  fears 
the  virtue  that's  in  the  Z^W  '"'^JT*  ^^^^^^ow  one-half 

every  act  •  Ipt  tK«.v.  -^   '"""ves,  and  misconstru 

find^ouMo  ,he*'u-DX'"r.l'''\^  °*'=--'  «»"  'hey'" 


04 


THE   CLOCKMAKEA. 


I 


'I 

■  i 


good  kind  of  chap,  and  like  as  not  a  plaguy  pleasant  one 
too. 

If  I  was  axed  which  side  was  farthest  from  the  mark  in 
this  Province,  I  vow  I  should  be  puzzled  to  say.     As  1 


any  

ference.  The  popular  side  (I  wont  say  patriotic,  for  we 
find  in  our  steam-boats  a  man  who  has  a  plaguy  sight  of 
property  in  his  portmanter  is  quite  as  anxious  for  its  safety 
as  him  that's  only  one  pair  of  yarn  stockings  and  a  clean 
shirt,  is  for  hisn)  the  popular  side  are  not  so  well  informed 
as  tother,  and  they  have  the  misfortin  of  havin  their  pas- 
sions addressed  more  than  their  reason,  therefore  they  are 
often  out  of  the  way,  or  Tather  led  out  of  it,  and  put  astray 
by  bad  guides;  well,  tother  side  have  the  prejudices  of 
birth  and  education  to  dim  Iheir  vision,  and  are  alarmed  to 
undertake  a  thing,  from  the  dread  of  ambush,  or  open  foes, 
that  their  guides  are  eternally  descrying  in  the  mist — and 
beside  power  has  a  nateral  tendency  to  corpulency.  As 
for  theiM  guides,  I'd  make  short  work  of  'em  if  it  was  me. 
In  the  last  war  with  Britain,  the  Constitution  frigate  was 
close  in  once  on  the  shores  of  Ireland,  a  lookin  arter  some 
marchani  ships,  and  she  took  on  board  a  pilot ;  well,  he 
was  a  deep,  sly,  twistical  lookin  chap,  as  you  een  amost 
ever  seed.  He  had^'sort  of  dark  down  look  about  him, 
and  a  leer  out  of  ^jPorner  of  one  eye,  like  a  horse  that's 
goin  to  kic*?.  TKe  cftptem  guessed  he  read  in  his  face, 
» well  now,  if  I  was  to  run  this  here  Yankee  right  slap  on 
a  rock  and  bilge  her,  the  King  would  make  a  man  of  me 
for  ever.'  So  says  he  to  the  first  leftenant,  reeve  a  rope 
thro'  that  are  block  at  the  tip  eend  of  the  fore  yard,  and 
clap  a  runnrn  nuse  in  it.  The  leftenant  did  it  as  quick  as 
wink,  and  came  back,  and  says  he,  I  guess  it's  done.  Now, 
says  the  Captain,  look  here,  pilot,  here's  a  rope  you  han't 
seed  yet ;  I'll  jist  explain  the  use  of  it  to  you  in  case  you 
want  the  loan  of  it.  If  this  here  frigate,  manned  with  our 
free  and  enlighted  citizens,  gets  aground,  I'll  give  you  a 
ride  on  the  slack  of  that  are  rope,  right  up  to  that  yard  by 
the  neck,  by  Gum.  Well,  it  rub'd  all  the  writin  out  of  his 
fece,  as  quick  as  spittin  on  a  slate  takes  a  sum  o'lt,  you 


THE  GRAHAMITE,  ETC.  Q* 

of  the  pilots  at  Jther  PnnH    ^     ^^K^^^^^^^  ^he«  any 

breakers  on  purpose  strfnc'      "^  n"''^'"'  ^"°  '^"»  ««  the 
«ign  of  that  'arTSd  S  Z  hSuseT  '^'^  '^^^     ^ 
meat,' painted  under  i    would  HnT\^-P"''^'.^  ^"*«'*'»'« 
no  time.    If  it  would'nt  Wn  th    k^^  ?"''"^'"  *"  ^^««  ^^an 
yard,  it's  a  pity-  ?  w^w?  ^'^^  ^^^^^  «"*  of  the  poultry 

If  you  want  to  know  how  to  not  ««„  ♦• 
go  to  books,  leave  them  to^«M«  ?  T^u'T'  "'l"'^^'  "^^^r 
right  off  and  cypher  To  ft  ^r  f^^  f^P°*  ^^^J  but  go 
will  never  deS'^yonZ^^:'^  '^"'>  "^^  g"'^^'  '* 
*  wAa«',  /Aa<  /o  me  Ms  a  nhr«  ^  ^^^P^"^*  ^^'  ^"^^ance, 
it's  a  natural  onerwhen  nS^n?  \'°  ^°"™™°"  *^«*  ^^  «h«^« 
in  a  thing.  Wei  when  »  f  >  ^^""^  "^  Particular  interest 
side  as  nLrto  u^ThafDhrf."''.  ^?'  "'^  .^^^"^  ««  ^^^h^r 
keep  your  eye  on  h  m  on  K'n  **  ^n^'  '^^*^*»  h'"^'  ^^^t's  all  I 

youknowXreyorbe     Jrir      "^^'  ^"'°  ^^^  «^^'« 
*  your  fence  is  down  '  ^'    '     *  "™^"  *"""«  *«  "^e  and  says, 

comes  agin  an^^^^^^^^^  /^r"'  '"^'  ^'  '^^'''  kind-if^he 

into  youf  short  s^fce  gfc  iTantY  '^"'^  -^^"^  '^'^^^ 

come  now,  this  is  nei|&^  but  thr  ^^^ ''  "''^"  '' 
nally  te  lin  me  this  thin„  «r  ^'  "®"  '^^  ^^eps  etar- 

anotL  sar^^aU' hi^ Va  ^m^^  iS'^^f,^  ^  ^' 

what  on  airth  maLs  this  -1""^*^^^^^ 
interest  in  my  a^ah??    fdS  ni.*^^  k  ""^  ^  ^^"•^^^^"^ 
he's  arler  something  as  sure  as  hf  IrM^T.'""^*  ^"^^^- 
say,  *whafs  that  to  L/'    T  «         ?  r '  '^  ^^  ^^^^  he'd 
heir  said  by  a  man's  lz2  «;\er  beheve  much  what  I 

want  tohearVhaTa  disiretstetth"/  T'*'^'  '"^""^^  ^ 
a  disifiterested  man  Imnlffl         \^^  ^"^  say_no«,,  «, 

to  friglUeufom^Ztf  ^^^f "  .^^  ^*^«'*  «»^  hohgohlin 


Ofl 


THE  CLOCKMAKER. 


vclopt  the  resources  of  this  fine  country^  facilitate  tht 
means  of  transport — promote  its  internal  improvement,  and 
encourage  its  foreign  trade,  they  would  make  it  the  richest 
and  greatest,  as  it  now  is  one  of  the  happiest,  sections  of 
all  America — I  hope  I  may  be  skinned  if  they  wouldrCt'— 
they  would f  I  swan. 


CHAPTER  XIX. 
THE  CLOCKMAKER  QUILTS  A  BLUE-NOSE. 

The  descendants  of  Eve  have  profited  little  by  her 
example.  The  curiosity  of  the  fair  sex  is  still  insatiable, 
and,  as  it  is  often  ill  directed,  it  frequently  terminates  iu 
error.  In  the  country  this  feminine  propensity  is  trouble- 
some to  a  traveller,  and  he  who  would  avoid  importunities, 
would  do  well  to  announce  at  once,  on  his  arrival  at  a 
Cumberland  Inn,  his  name  and  his  business,  the  place  of 
his  abode,  and  the  length  of  his  visit. 

Our  beautiful  hostess,  Mrs.  Pugwash,  as  she  took  her 
seat  at  the  breakfast  table  this  morning,  exhibited  the 
example  that  suggested  these  reflections.  She  was  struck 
with  horror  at  our  conversation,  the  latter  part  only  of 
which  she  heard,  and  of  course  misapplied  and  misunder- 
stood. 

She  was  run  down  by  the  President,  said  I,  and  has  been 
laid  up  for  some  time.  Gulard's  people  have  stripped  her, 
in  consequence  of  her  making  water  so  fast.  Stripped 
whom  ?  said  Mrs.  Pugwash,  as  she  suddenly  dropped  the 
teapot  from  her  hand  ;  stripped  whom, — for  heaven's  sake 
ell  me  who  it  is  ?  The  Lady  Ogle,  said  I.  Lady  Ogle, 
said  she,  how  horrid  !  Two  of  her  ribs  were  so  broken  a* 
to  require  to  be  replaced  with  new  ones.  Two  new  ribs, 
said  she,  well  I  never  heerd  the  beat  of  that  in  all  my  born 
days ;  poor  oritler,  how  she  must  have  suffered.  On 
examining  her  below  the  waist  they  found — Examining  her 
etill  lower,  said  she  (all  the  pride  of  her  sex  revolting  at 
the  idea  uf  such  an  indecent  exhibition,)  you  dont  pretend 


1 


THE   CLOCKMAKER.    Efc.  „^ 

a^^'iui !  It  must  have  hnnn  h  ^"'  ^^^  cont  nued  hn J 

Jndics;  Joe  Crow  had  themiShrr"''  "''"=''  »  «>eXL" 
iocs  Wo™  ealen,  dear TaW  ^T'  ? ''  '»"  '"o  of  hL 
"f  liaving  (hem  great  he  ft.ir  ''.'"  '""  "lat  aim  so  h^,i 

^/  .em  Gulards  Ld  undertafco'?-  ""^     '  P^^i  you 

wI.a?^n\1rfh"Z'  ff^^'^-Zf '^  """^  ^ 

woman:   what  undo    fe'^P!'™  «J'=?«'.  not  sS"'. 
crocket  ,„,o  your  head /sheTi™,"'''   ''?.'"'  P"'  ">«"  r^ 

Ancal    ?'"*■'"•  '^"on-     This  was  our 

".a  boautir;;,  7^nolCZtST'^  ''«"'^>  ■""»  changed 

and  Sh  ff'  and  Kentville  rout  ^T"*™'  «nd  thence  by 
uLSt'^""^;  ""I  to  returrtv    h/TP"''^'  Y«™outh! 

^  "^  setting  on  pretty   u-qI; 


96 


THE   CLOCKMAKER. 


'.oward  mornin,  and  yet  feels  loth  to  go  to  bed,  for  its  ju«l 
the  time  folks  grow  sociable.  ,^  .  t  *i.-  i       ii 

1  got  u  scheme  in  my  head,  said  he,  that  I  thmk  will 
answer  both  on  us  ;  I  got  debts  due  to  me  m  all  them  aro 
places  for  Clocks  sold  by  the  concern  :  now  suppose  ywi 
leave  your  hoisa  on  these  marshes  this  fall,  he  11  get  as  lal 
as  a  fool,  he  wont  be  able  to  see  out  of  his  eyes  in  a  month, 
and  I'll  put  ♦  Old  Clav:  (I  call  him  Clay  arter  our  senator 
who  is  a  prime  bit  of  stuff)  into  a  Yankee  waggon  I  have 
here,  and  drive  you  all  round  the  coast. 

This  was  too  good  an  offer  to  be  declined.  A  run  at 
grass  for  my  horse,  an  easy  and  comfortable  waggon,  and 
a  guide  so  original  and  amusing  as  Mr.  Slick,  were  either 
of  them  enough  to  induce  my  acquiescence. 

As  soon  as  we  had  taken  our  seats  in  the  waggon,  he 
observed.  We  shall  progress  real  handsum  now ;  that  are 
horse  goes  etarnal  fast,  he  near  about  set  my  axle  on  hre 
twice.     He's  a  spanker,  you  may  depend.     I  had  him  when 
he  was  a  two-year  old,  all  legs  and  tail,  like  a  devil  s  darnin 
needle,  and  had  him  broke  on   purpose  by   father  s  old 
nigger,  January  Snow.     He  knows  English  real  well,  and 
can  do  near  about  any  thing  but  speak  it.     He  helped  me 
once  to  ginn  a  blue-nose  a  proper  handsum  quiltin.     He 
must  have  stood  a  poor  chance  indeed,   said  I,  »   horse 
kickin,  and  a  man  strikin  him  at  the  same  time.     Oh !  not 
arter  that  pattern  at  all,  said  he ;  Lord,  if  Old  Clay  had 
kicked  him,  he'd  a  smashed  him  like  that  are  saucer  you 
broke  at  Pugnose's  inn,  into  ten  hundred  thousand  million 
Hinders.     Oh!  no,  if  I  didn't  fix  his  flint  for  him  m  fan 
play  it's  a  pity.    I'll  tell  you  how  it  was.     I  was  up  to 
Truro,  at  Ezra  Whitter's  Inn.     There  was  an  arbitration 
there  atween  Deacon  Text  and  Deacon  Faithful.     Well 
there  was  a  nation  sight  of  folks  there,  for  they  said  it  wafc 
a  biter  bit,  and  they  came  to  witness  the  sport,  and  to  see 
which  critter  would  get  the  ear  mark.  ,    x«  n 

Well,  I'd  been  doin  a  little  business  there  among  the  folks 
and  had  jisi  sot  off  for  the  river,  mounted  on  Old  Clay, 
nrter  takin  a  glass  of  Ezra's  most  particular  handsum  Ja- 
Miaiky,  and  was  trottin  off  pretty  slick,  when  who  should 
run  agin  but  Tim  Bradley.  He  is  a  dreadful  ugly,  cross- 
l^rained  critter,  as  you  een  amost  ever  seed,  when  he  la 


'l 


1 


THB   CLOCKMAKER,    ETC.  ,jg 

«gin  you,  you  ^n't  LlSlr  tK  '  IT  Pf^P^"  ^^''^X  ^  rufl 

*  wooden  nutme.?,  and  threw^  Sh    i'^'°''"  vagabond, 
jvare  of  that  kind  at  me'ZdthTf     a  «/ «r"«d  hard- 
Down  with  the  YanC '  l^l^t  r^"^'  ''L^P^^^  ^^^ied  out, 
better  manners  ,•  and  tW  LrL^  n^"^^  '^'  T  *"'  '^"^^^  ^i™ 
Well,  I  got  my  dander  Lt^F?  ^'^  ^'«'''  '  ^^"  y""* 
and,  thinks  I  to  myself  LuA     rf  °"  "P  °"  «^"^  ''^e ; 
''"  give  you  such  a  ouilTin  „   *  ^  ^  «^^  '^  ^'^^^''  <^hance 
were%aise'd  from'a Ved^  I  ^o^^"  ^0^  '^?  r^^"" 
I«y,  I  guess  you  had  better  I JT    u     *  ^^^^  ^'  ^''  ^'^d- 
%'t  no  more  than  a  cot     i  T  ^'  ^°"  know  I  can't 
wranglin,  and  I  don't  Hke^tllaufoff  tlT^  ''''^"i^'  "P  ^« 
they  all  bawled  out,  haul  him  off  n^  1^^  cowardly  rascal, 
he  lays  right  hold  of  me  hv  ^      'if'''^  ^^^  '*  '"^«  '"»"•     So 
and  I  lets  on  as  f  TdZt  ml  kT""'  ^"^  S'^^«  ">«  «  P"''. 
Then  I  jumps  UD  on  ion,!^  5*'^"^  *"^  ^'^"^  "ght  down 
and  theildTorse^e  setfifr'aheT  ^  tX^  '^^^'^'  ^4" 
when  I  wanted  him     Thenlv^  r  j  Zi  ^"'^  ^  ^"^  ^'"^ 
now,  Mr.  Bradley,  whhthTt!^     '    **''^  y^""  *^  satisfied 
Well,  he  makes^a'  btw  at  me  allSTfJ  '^l'-^""  8'""  "^^^ 
h  you'll  be  sorry  for  this  I  Sl^  .     ^^^^^^  "  •  ""^^  says 
^^ay  for  nothin,  I'll  go  S  offZT '  '  """"^  ^  ^'"^'^^^'i  ^his 
I'm  most  afeard  you^H  murdef  me     Tu  T  "^^'^S'"  X^"' 
agin,  (thinkin  he  had  a^Pm.^L     a  u^^"'  ''^  ^^"^^^s  at  me 
hits  me  in  the  shoulder.  ^Now  Jv   iT  *°  ^'^^  ^^^^')  «"d 
be  lathered  like  a  dog  aFdaVZ/^h.-rrK-^^^^^^  '^ 
pretty  at  all,  I  guess  I'll  give  vou  aohl     r"'''"^^^  ^'^"^^ 
arter  mv  horse  J  J  If «  r«o!i^     j^      *  °"^^®  ^or  it.     Off  I  set^ 

clear  of'^the  crotdtsTth^^^^^^^^  ™%^?  '^'^  ^^at  to  go 

Well,  I  soon  found  I  had  the  Slf  r?^  ^^"  P^^^  «^  him.) 
him  as  I  liked.  Then  I  s  ackp^J]  ""^  ^^'^^  <=0"W  Play 
came  close  up  to  me  so  «i  n  i  "^  "P,  *  h"^^'  «n<^  ^ben  he 
I  squatted  -^l^t^Tapll'^^^^^^^  "P-  mo! 

me  near  about  a  rod  or  so  I  JL.       '  t^^l"^  P*^^**^^  over 
ed  up  the  ground  wifh  kL  '     ^  T'  ''^  ^'^  ^^ad,  and  plow, 
ff  he  didn^t  pcJrsh  un  thP  T'?/  '^^  ™^««'of  a  foot  oMwo 
-^;his  face,  iPfa  pi?v'.  'n^  t'v'f  '^^^\'"^"^d  ^--S 
"•here  you  be  and  lefme  ffo  for  7'  ''  ^^^  ^"^  ^^^^^  J^v 

™e  go,  for  I  am  proper  tired ;  I  blo^ 


100 


TIIR   CLOCKMAKER. 


I 


like  a  horse  that's  got  tl\e  Iicaves ;  and  liesides,  says  I,  I 
guess  you  had  better  wash  your  face,  for  I  am  most  a 
feared  you  hurt  yourself.  That  ryled  him  properly;  I 
meant  that  it  should  ;  so  he  ups  and  at  me  awful  spiteful,  like 
a  bull ;  then  1  let's  him  have  it,  right,  left,  right,  jist  three 
corkers,  beginning  with  the  right  hand,  shiftin  to  Ihe  left, 
and  then  with  .he  right  hand  agin.  This  way  I  did  it,  said 
the  Clockmaker,  (and  he  showed  me  the  manner  in  ^  hich  it 
was  done) ;  its  a  beautiful  way  of  hitting,  and  always  does 
the  business — a  blow  for  each  eye,  and  one  for  the  mouth. 
It  sounds  like  ten  pounds  ten  on  a  blacksmith  s  anvil ;  I 
bunged  up  both  eyes  for  him,  and  put  in  the  dead  lights  in 
two  tu's,  and  drew  three  of  his  teeth,  quicker  a  plaguy 
sight  than  the  Truro  doctor  could,  to  save  his  soul  alive. 
Now,  says  I,  my  friend,  when  you  recover  your  eye-sight, 
I  guess  you'll  see  your  mistake — I  warnt  born  in  the  woods 
to  be  scared  by  an  owl.  The  next  time  you  feel  in  a  most 
particular  elegant  good  humour,  come  to  me,  and  I'll  play 
you  the  second  part  of  that  identical  same  tune,  that's  a 
fact. 

With  that  I  whistled  for  Old  Clay,  and  back  he  comes, 
and  I  mounted  and  off,  jist  as  the  crowd  came  up.  The 
folks  looked  staggered,  and  wondered  a  little  grain  how 
it  was  done  so  cleverly  in  short  metre.  If  I  did'nt  quilt 
him  in  no  time,  you  may  depend ;  I  went  right  slap  into 
him,  like  a  flash  of  lightning  into  a  gooseberry  bush.  He 
found  his  suit  ready  made  and  fitted  afore  he  thought  he 
was  half  measured.  Thinks  I,  friend  Bradley,  I  hope 
you  know  yourself  now,  for  I  vow  no  livin  soul  would , 
you  swallowed  your  soup  without  singin  out  scaldins, 
and  you're  near  about  a  pint  and  a  half  nearer  crying  than 
larfin. 

Yes,  as  I  was  sayin,  this  '  Old  Clay*  is  a  real  knowin 
one,  he's  as  spry  as  a  colt  yet,  clear  grit,  ginger  to  the 
back  bone;  I  can't  help  a  thinkin  sometimes  the  breed 
must  have  come  from  old  Kentuck,  half  horse  half  alliga- 
tor, with  a  cross  of  the  airthquake. 

I  hope  I  may  be  tee-totally  ruinated,  if  I'd  take  eigh 
hundred  dollars  for  him.  Go  ahead,  you  old  clinker  built 
villain,  said  he,  and  show  the  gentleman  how  wonderful 
hnndsum  you  can  travel.     Give  him  the  real  Connecticui 


SISTER    SALl's   courtship.  ^qj 

Vork,  in  no  tLo-^t\mTZ\lT  ^^'^^^""g^on  to  New 
ton  to  Uhodo  Island,  and  trirher'r^  ^  ^l"  ^^'^"^  »°«- 
marred,  afore  her  fatherWut  ofT  J°  r*'"'*'*^*^  ^°  *>« 
mornin.  Aint  ho  a  bcaulv  ?  T.  i  ^n  ,°^  *  «"n.mer'«, 
Cumberland  critters  Ihat  ^J  '''''  '*''"  ^  "°««  «^  your 
more  they  won    r*  hn?  n  n'  "'°''  ^°"  *!""'  them/ tlm 

gratis  ror\othl.':i,'ot:'^o?"hror'h^'H^  "',"  ^'^^^^ 
Vos,  n  hojse  like  'Old  nL*-  ^^^^  voluntcrn% 

breed,  and  ge^^raLno^thet^AmherrJi  '^  "'°^^  «-^' 
He's  a  horse  crerv  inch  o fT?  ^""f  ^^^  ^"^ts  put  together. 

Old  aay.  ^  '"'^*  °^  ^""'  «^«<^k,  lock,  and  barrel,  iu 


CHAPTER  XX. 
SISTER  BALLS  COUltTSHIP 

^^^''^^^^^^  -in  poles  in 

er's  eg,  said  the  Clockmaker  Th  ^™P  ^°'  "^  «"». 
trap  Jim  Munroe  put  hlrfo^t*  in  '^  '^"?'"'^  '"^  «^  ^ 
about  made  one  leg  half  a  vard  I  """'  "'f''^'  *^«^  "^^^ 
believe  I  told  you  of  hfrn  wh^?       ,  "^^'  "'^"  ^^tber.     I 

was-he  canJfrom  oS,  ctntv  inT'"''  '^^'  ^^"^^  ^e 
he  was  courlin  Sister  San     «L    ^      Connecticut.     Well, 
^ng  gall;  you  scate  eve~etd 71"  ^^«'  h^n^sum  look-' 
Plete  critter  than  she  wasla  fin  A    °'l '*"I  '^"^  «"t  com- 
ful  model  of  a  craft  as  7nv  in  .h^"'^^^'  ^"^  *  ^^^""ti. 
and  as  full  of  fun  and  frnj!?^       ^^?-  ^^''^^'  «  'eal  clipper 
turned  Sail's  head    thf  mn  ^'  ""  ^'"^"'     ^e".  he  fain? 
up,  the  more  she  would V     ""^  """"'^^  ^^^  ^«  g'^e  him 
f  out  it,  fo.  his  charac      wa/nle'offh^  t^^^"^  ^'^^y 
a  universal  favourite  wX  7u        n^  °^  ^''^  best.     He  was 
have  very  pretty  nptW   tlf ''  '"^  ^^°'  ^^  ^^^'nt  be! 
promised,  and  where  he  had^nff/°  T''y  ^^^^re   he 
vet  so  it  was,  he  haLnni         ^  ""^^^  ^^  ^^ve  forgot,  too 
>  iie  had  such  an  uncommon  winnin  way  Ivkh 


> 


I  i 


fui 


102 


THE   CI.OCKMAKER. 


him,  he  could  talk  them  over  in  no  time — Sail  was  fairly 
bewitched. 

At  last,  father  said  to  him  one  evening  when  he  came 
a  courtin,  Jim,  says  he,  you'll  never  come  to  no  good,  if 
you  act  like  old  Scratch  as  you  do ;  you  jiint  fit  to  come 
into  no  decent  man's  house,  at  all,  and  your  absence  would 
be  ten  times  more  agreeable  than  your  company,  I  tell 
you.-  I  won't  consent  to  Sail's  goin  to  them  are  h.iskin 
parties  and  quiltin  frolics  along  with  you  no  more,  on  no 
account,  for  you  know   how  Polly  Brown   and   Nancy 

White  .    Now  don't,  sa\.-  he,  now  don't,  Uncle 

Sam;  say  no  more  about  that;   if  you  know'd  all  you 
wo'.ild'nt  say  it  was  my  fault ;  and  besides,  I  have  turned 
right  about,  I  am  on  tother  tack  now,  and  the  long  leg, 
too ;  I  am  as  steady  as  a  pump  hnU,  now.     i  intend  to 
settle  myself  and  take  a  farm.     Yes,  yes,  ai:;d  you  could 
stock  it,  too,  by  all  accounts,  pretty  well,  unless  you  aro 
much  misreported,  says  father,  but  it  won't  do.     I  knew 
your  father,  he  was  our  sargeant,  a  proper  clever  and 
brave  man  he  was,  too ;  ne  was  one  of  the  heroes  of  our 
glorious  revolution.     I  had  a  great  respect  for  him,  and  I 
am  sorry,  for  his  sake,  you  will  act  as  you  do ;  but  I  tell 
you  once  for  all,  you  must  give  up  all  thoughts  of  Sail, 
now  and  for  everlastin.     When  Sail  heerd  this,  she  began 
to  nit  away  like  mad  in  a  desperate  hurry — she  looked 
foolish  eno'ugh,  that's  a  fact.     First  she  tried  to  bite  in 
her  breath,  and  look  as  if  there  was  nothin  particular  in 
tho  Tvind,  then  she  blushed  all  over  like  scarlet  fever 
but  she  recovered  that  pretty  soon,  and  then  her  coloui 
went  and  came,  and  came  and  went,  till  at  las,     he  grew 
as  white  as  chalk,  and  down  she  fell  slap  off  her  seat  on 
the  floor,  in  a  faintin  fit.     I  see,  says  father,  I  see  it  now, 
you  etarnal  villain,  and  he  made  a  puil  at  the  old  fashioned 
swords  that  always  hung  over  the  fire  place,  (we  used  to 
call  it  old  Bunker,  for  his  stories  always  begun,  *  when  I 
was  at  Bunker's  hill,')  and  drawing  it  out  he  made  a  clip  at 
him  as  wicked  as  if  he  was  stabbing  a  rat  with  a  hay  fork, 
but  Jim,  he  outs  of  the  door  like  a  shot,  and  draws  it  too 
;irter  him,  and  father  sends  old  Bunker  right  through  the 
panel.     I'll  chop  you  up  as  fine  as  mince  meat,  you  vil- 
lain, said  he,  if  ever  I  catch  you  inside  my  door  agin 


•SISTBR   SALL'S  COURTSHIP.  ,ft, 

^'"^^d^S,:^^-^^^  f-  i^  .-.   Wen. 

sot  foot  inside  the  door  at^  and  nh^'^'l  *^*'  ^^  "--'' 
"P  all  hopes  of  Sail,  and  sCof  him     "f^*  ^^  ^^^  S'"" 
"lost  particular  uncommon  dark  «•  J.  "^^^^  ^"«  "'gi^t.  a 
home  from  neighbou^  DearK.C^?^"^  I  ^"«  ^  '°™'» 
'alkm  under  Sail's  window     W  n  ^i  ^^^'^  «°"^e  one  a 
«"d  who  should  be  nJar  thTasK'r^  f  P%«"^  '^«^«n«t 
f  tryin  to  persuade  Sail  to  ru„  n^     -^u.*^'"^  ^""'•o^ 
island  to  be  married.    It  was  aU  .Jm"!,"^.  ^""  ^"^  ^^^^e 
With  a  horse  and  shay  to  t^fi  f  i^'^/u^^  '^^"^^  ««"ie 
of  the  window,  jist  at  nini    ^   '''  ,^"^  *^«n  ^olp  her  out 

commonly  went' told  Th.n  h  °"^'  "t'"'  ^^^^  ^•'"e  she 
her  hand  for  him  To  kisI^'L  t'^"'  her  to  reach  dow^ 
soft  sawder)  and  she  stretches  i^,^.  ""^^  T'^P^'  ^^^ver  at 
«f  ys  he,  I  believe  I  mu?t  hal  ,u  ""^^"^  he  kisses  it ;  and 
all,  and  gives  her  aTrk  .horf  !  '"^'^'^  °^  y«"  out  arter 
'osuddeSlikeitmadit^^lr^^^^^^^^  '''tt  '^''  ^^  ^«-" 
and  over  the  gate  in  no  thL  '  '°  °^  ^^  «°^  hot  foot. 

should  ^edXtlh^LiSi^  «  -'culatin  how  I 

a  scheme.     I  recollected  fnfK         ^""',  ^"^  ^^  ^ast  I  hit  on 

pat  I  tell  youTy::^^^t')ji:'\''\  p-tin,';:.^:^ 

rnend  j,„,  I'll  ,„ake  thatTropiCelf/ '  ^"^  ^^^"^^^  '' 
So  the  next  night,  jist  at  da?k  r  cr^^'"^^''"^' y^*' I  guess 
«ld  mgger,  a  nidge  with  mv  db^i  ^'^J  *^«""^ry  Snow,  the 
"P,  I  winks  and  talks  ouTandhrL ?'^  ^'  '°°°  ««  ^^  looks 
ry.  can  you  keep  your  Ijl^^i!?"'  "^^««ys  J,  Janua! 
nigger,  you  ?  Wji^  massa  wL  "  ^°"'  ^^^h'  you  old 
niy  Gor  Ormity.  yo^u  Hnk  old  SnV°K  ^1  '¥^  «'«  ^"^stion' 

sl'P  knot  was  suspendcd^fll  .f'"^  P^"  ^"^  ^  "oose,  and  a 
;J»«t  led  from  the^athtavTo  fh  'T'  ^'''  '''''  '^^  '"«ck 
"lassa,  that's  a I     ZL      ^  ^''"'^-     ^V  my  Gor 

fce^f  I^-^'"-d,o;rtl^:l^.r£^>-  ^^  ktr 
«ce,.  .i.„cc,  and  follow  me  in  presentiy.'""  "        ^''"'"  '^^'^^' 


■MH 


104  THE   CLOCKMAKER. 

Well,  jist  as  it  struck  nine  o'clpck,  says  I,  Sally,  hold 
this  here  hank  of  tvvino  for  a  minute,  till  I  wind  a  trifle  ou 
it  olT;  that's  a  dear  critter.  She  sot  down  her  candle,  and 
F  put  the  twine  on  her  hands,  and  then  I  begins  to  wind  and 
wind  away  ever  so  slow,  and  drops  the  ball  every  now  and 
then,  so  as  to  keep  her  down  stairs.  Sam,  says  she,  J  do 
believe  you  won't  wind  that  are  twine  off  all  night,  do  give 
it  to  January,  I  won't  stay  no  longer,  I'm  een  a  most  dead 
asleep.  The  old  feller's  arm  is  so  plaguy  onsteady,  says  I, 
t  won't  do;  but  hark,  what's  that,  I'm  sure  I  heerd  some- 
thing in  the  ash  saplin,  didn't  you.  Sail  1  I  heerd  the  gccsc 
there,  that's  all,  says  she,  they  always  come  under  the  win- 
dows at  night ;  but  she  looked  scared  enough,  and  says  she, 
I  vow  I'm  tired  a  holdin  out  of  my  arms  this  way,  and  I 
won't  do  it  no  longer ;  and  down  she  throw'd  the  hank  on 
the  floor.  Well,  says  I,  stop  one  minute,  dear,  till  I  send 
old  January  out  to  see  if  any  body  is  there ;  perhaps  some 
o'  neighbour  Dcarborne's  cattle  have  broke  into  the  sarco 
garden.  January  went  out,  tho'  Sail  say'd  it  was  no  use, 
for  she  knew  the  noise  of  the  geese,  they  always  kept  close 
to  the  house  at  night,  for  fear  of  the  varmin.  Presently  in 
runs  old  Snow,  with  his  hair  standin  up  an  eend,  and  the 
whites  of  his  eyes  lookin  as  big  as  the  rims  of  a  soup  plate  ; 
Oh  !  Gor  Ormity,  said  he,  oh  massa,  oh  Miss  Sally,  oh  1  • 
What  on  airth  is  the  matter  with  yoL,  uaid  Sally,  how  you 
do  frighten  me,  I  vow  I  believe  you're  mad — oh  my  Gor, 
said  he,  oh !  massa  Jim  Munroe  he  hang  himself  on  the 
ash  saplin  under  Miss  Sally's  window — oh  my  Gor  1 1  ! 
That  shot  was  a  settler,  it  struck  poor  Sal  right  atwixt  wind 
and  water ;  she  gave  a  lurch  ahead,  and  then  heeled  over 
and  sunk  right  down  in  another  faintin  fit ;  and  Juno,  old 
Snow's  wife,  carried  her  off  and  laid  her  down  on  the  bed 
— poor  thing,  she  felt  ugly  enough,  I  do  suppose. 

Well,  father,  I  thought  he'd  a  fainted  too,  he  was  so 
struck  up  all  of  a  heap,  he  was  completely  bung  fungered  ; 
dear,  dear,  said  he,  I  didn't  think  it  would  come  to  pass  so 
soon,  but  I  knew  it  would  come ;  I  foretold  it,  says  I,  the 
jast  time  I  seed  him ;  Jim,  says  I,  mind  what  J  say,  youHl 
ncing  for  it  yet.  Give  mc  the  sword  I  wore  when  I  was 
at  Bunker's  hill,  may  be  there's  life  yet,  I'll  cut  him  down 
The  lantern  was  soon  made  ready,  and  out  we  went  to  the 


SISTER  SALl's  COUIWSIIII..  '       ,^5 

and's  a  runnin  out  o'  my  nose  I'm  po?'^'^  ""°  "^^  ''««^'. 
be  quick,  for  heaven's  ^X      Thf?  ^T' '"'''^''^''^^d-- 
father,  the  poor  sinner  is  nn"    -f  !  h'^'^  ^"^  P'^^'sed,  said 
alive-vvell  if  that  3on't  r„t  ^  m  *^  ^'^^  ^^*-     ^^7.  as  Vm 
himself  by  oL  lel  and's  a  1  "'•'"'"'..r^^^  ^^  has  hangeS 
down,  that's  a  factT    Why  if  r^'"  ^'^'  *  ^^^'^^  "P^'^e 
properly  wired  I  decl.S'vow  th^t  1^''^'^'"' '  ^«  '« 
Sam-well  it  was  a  c  ever  scHp^I      '^«°"^^?  yourdoins, 
dangerous,  I  guess.     Don't  stand  .n^'  ^"^' ""'^  ^'^'^  t«« 
n'ght,  said  Jim,  cut  meTwn   r  .lii    ""  ^nd  jawin  there  all 
and  be  damned  to  yTu  foTpm  1  ^?""^.''  ""'  "^^  ^^^oat, 

over  that  are  hogsherd!olSs„ow1aTd}^m^  t^'*  ««" 
and  cut  him  down  ;  so  I  soon  r^ll„  ^  l'-^'"  ^  ^""^  *  ^<^P  »«  «t 
walk  a  bit.  His  aikle  was  sVelM  !  }'""'  ^^^  ^^  ^«"'d„'t 
geance,and  he  swore  one  1^"!  ^^  'Pf^'^^d  «ke  ven- 
longer  than  tother.    Jim  Munroo  '  r^""^  "'^  ^'n^^'es 

thmk  I  should  ever  see  you  Se%^7lf^^^"^.'  ""'«  did  I 
you  enter  now,  we  owe  von   h!.  t-^^  ^"^^  ®g'n>  but  I  bid 

Well,  to  make  a  wSv  shnr;"?"'''»  '^"^  ^°^- 
and  so  down  in  the  S Te  be '    ^T  T^'^  ^^ap-fallen 
?t  might  be  kept  a  secret  "he  saidTl  ''u  ^'^^""'«  '''^^ 
If  ever  it  got  wind,  he  wka lure  he  col"!!'*';  '^J  ''^'^* 
will  be  one  while,  I  guess  said  fwt         r    ^  '^'^  't.     It 
to  run  or  stand  ei;he?,  bu't  flu  will'. ?^'''  ^^^  «^^  ^^le 
Jim,  and  promise  to  give  over  vnl    ^i^  ""^  y^"''  ^^nd, 
only  keep  it  secret,  bu  you  shaTr^^  T  T^''  ^  ^"'  "^t 
old  Sam  Slick's  on^e  mo^e^or  tL  t kV  nr''"'"  ?"^«^'  ^^ 
he  was  a  brave  man,  one  of Thl  t        ®  "^  ^^"^  father- 
he  was  our  sarjeanrand—    Jl  n''"^-  ^^  ^""^^'"'^  bill, 
([or  the  old  man  had  s^  hi^riJKT'  '^^'  ''  ^^^''^^ 
always  stood  when  he  told  about  2elT  ''"*'  *^"  ^"^^  1^« 
couldn't  stir  a  pe^^    it  w^« T         j  °.   "^^^^  and  as  Jim 
«goin  to  give  W^fhe  whole  'evSon'^f'^^^^"^  ^«  -«" 
PP  to  Independence,)  he  nrnm^'c  '  ^^T  ^«»eral  Gage 

it  was  all  settled  and  f^.  P^^"^'*'^^'  says  I,  father.     Wei? 

or  milk  twHays  o?d!^"fd  "T  ^''''  ^'  ^^'"^  ^  Z^n 
was  as  steady  agob  man  as  ^-"1  ^'f  ''^'  «^or,  Jfm 
and  was  marrL  Tour  Sail      Nnr^'''  "^^^^"^  ««P-weIU 

»he  snare  till  arter  tl"  tln^'Thertr'^-^^''^^"^^ 

jjen  tnc  .•ninI?^er  had 


106 


THE   CLOCKMAKER. 


finished  axin  a  blessin,  father  goes  up  to  Jim,  and  saya 
he,  Jim  Munroe,  my  boy,  givin  him  a  rousin  slap  on  the 
shoulder  that  sot  him  a  coughin  for  the  matter  of  five 
minutes,  (for  he  was  a  mortal  powerful  man,  was  father,) 
Jim  Munroe,  m^^y,  says  he,  you've  got  the  snare  round 
your  neck,  I  guess  now,  instead  of  your  leg ;  the  saplin 
has  been  a  father  to  you,  you  may  be  the  father  of  many 
saplins. 

We  had  a  most  special  time  of  it,  you  may  depend,  al 
except  the  minister ;  father  got  him  into  a  corner,  and  gave 
him  chapter  and  verse  for  the  whole  war.  Every  now  and 
then  as  I  come  near  them,  I  heard  Bunker's  Hill,  Brandy- 
wine,  Clinton,  Gates,  and  so  on.  It  was  broad  day  when 
we  parted,  and  the  last  that  went  was  poor  minister.  Father 
followed  him  clean  down  to  the  gate,  and  says  he.  Minister, 
we  had'nt  time  this  hitch,  or  I'd  a  told  you  all  about  the 
Evakyation  of  New  York,  but  I'll  tell  you  that  the  next 
time  we  meet. 


II  ^■•, 


CHAPTER  XXI. 

SETTING  UP  FOR  GOVERNOR. 

I  NEVER  see  one  of  them  queer  little  old-fashioned  tea- 
pots, like  that  are  in  the  cupboard  of  Marm  Pugwash,  said 
the  Clockmaker,  that  I  don't  think  of  Lawyer  Crowning, 
shield  and  his  wife.  When  I  was  down  to  Rhode  Island 
last,  I  spent  an  evening  with  them.  After  I  had  been  there 
awhile,  the  black  house-help  brought  in  a  little  home-made 
dipt  candle,  stuck  in  a  turnip  sliced  in  two,  to  make  it 
stand  straight,  and  sot  it  down  on  the  table.  Why,  saya 
the  Lawyer  to  his  wife,  Increase,  my  dear,  what  on  earth 
.s  the  meanin  o'  that  ?  What  does  little  Viney  mean  by 
bringin  in  such  a  light  as  this,  that  aim  fit  for  even  a  log 
hut  of  one  of  our  free  and  enlightened  citizens  away  down 
past ;  Where's  the  lamp  ?  My  dear,  says  she,  I  ordered 
It — you  know  they  are  a  goin  to  set  you  up  for  Goverr  oi 
next  year,  and  I  allot  we  must  economise  or  we  will    -o 


'^-^^^^o  VP  ran  oovEKson.  ,o- 

ruined— the  salary  f.  onlv  fn.      u     . 
you  know,  and  you'll  hav^  f^^^undred  dollars  a  year 

'' Wjf'w  "°^^~  ^"'  "^  ^'"'  PracticelTa 

china  teapoUhlThS^t I'hJ'l;  H^^^  T'  «  ^^"le  wee 
jro,  and  cups  and  sarcers  aim  tr  r  '  °^  ^"'^  *  P'«t  or 
[oys.     When  he  seed  that    hi  ^'^"^^«  «^  children's 

his  under  lip  curled  down  l.l.     ^'^"^  ™^«*  P^^kily  ry^ 
^orm  in  it^nd  he  strinnl^v  ^^^"^  ^eaf  that's  got  a 
gnnders,  like  a  buU  6o7t^^^  ^}^   -nd  showefhi^ 
%  dear,  said  she,  it's  th^  f^f        .  ^''^  '^  this,  said  he? 
you  choose  to  sacrifice  aH  youiTn'r  ^'"^  Gov;mo;,.  i/ 
ning  m  the  ladder,  dSt  b lamp^n  "?^°'   *°  ^eing  the  first 
«ate  you-I  had  not  art  uTpaTinTt  \  ^  ^^^ "^  ««"»- 
at  tha   are  Convention,  at  Town  W     *    J  ."^^^  ^'^ked  up 
some  time  without  sayin  a  woTl.  1?"*    ^  ^"'  ^^^  sot  for 

dor  cloud,  just  read/to  m?ke  'a S  n".  "'  ''^"^^  ^«  ^  '^^^' 
last  he  gets  up.  and  waltT        ^i\"atur  crack  agin.    At 

and  taki^n  her^CbeTwle/hrf  ^J^"^  ^^^  wife^^^hah, 
and  gives  her  a  buss  that  went  071-^'"^''  ^'  *"^"«  ^'  "P 
made  my  mouth  water  to  see  hht, .  .k-^?  a  pistol-it  fairly 
a  bad  bank  to  deposit  one's  soTrl  ?'°^'  ?'  '^^"^  ^^P^  a^nt 
crease,  my  dear,  said  he  I  Lt^  ''^'  ^"'  ^^^'^^e^'  In- 
dechne  to-morrow  VU  Z'  f.^°  ^^^  are  half  riaht  I'll 

"  ^TT  -  ~  ~.     " '° "" """  "-^-"^  *" 

"•xi,  Zachamh,  sa™  she    .„  *'"  ""'T''^;  and  th™  she 

^in  an  .he  "4  and  wti^t^?  Plfo^fh"  '""•  '^^^' 
a  tea  trayt  wiih  a"^  ar/rioM  1°"  '""'J'  """i  ^lo'her  will" 

fnetal,  and  a  most  an  elexr^nL  *  c'  .  ^^^  ^ame  genuine 
;«  came  Marm  CrownSSd  l''^  V\^^'  ^^'"a.^  The„ 
•^  «he  v.,  H^i  not  call  the  P^  f'^^'f'  ^^^^in  as  proud  as 

-  -'  -  6''c^a  wnen 


108 


THE   CLOCKMAKRR. 


Ml*.  Slick  is  gone,  I'll  pay  you  off  that  are  kiss  with  inter. 
est,  you  dear  you — I'll  answer  a  bill  at  sight  for  it,  I  will 
you  may  depend. 

I  believe,  said  he  agin,  you  are  right,  Increase,  my 
dear,  its  an  expensive  kind  of  honor  that  bein  Governor, 
and  no  great  thanks  neither ;  great  cry  and  little  wool, 
all  talk  and  no  cider — its  enough  I  guess  for  a  man  to 
govern  his  own  family,  aint  it,  dear  ?  Sartin,  my  love, 
said  she,  sartin,  a  man  is  never  so  much  in  his  own 
proper  sphere  as  there ;  and  beside,  said  she,  his  will  is 
supreme  to  home,  there  is  no  danger  of  any  one  non- 
concurring  him  there,  and  she  gave  me  a  sly  look,  as 
much  as  to  say,  I  let  him  think  he  is  master  in  his  own 
house, /or  when  ladies  wear  the  breeches,  their  petticoats 
ought  to  be  long  enough  to  hide  them  ;  but  I  allot,  Mr. 
Slick,  you  cau  see  with  half  an  eye  that  the  '  grey  mare  is 
the  better  horse  here.' 

What  a  pity  it  is,  continued  the  Clockmaker,  that  the 
blue-noses  would  not  take  a  leaf  out  of  Marm  Crowning- 
shield's  book — talk  more  of  their  own  affairs  and  less  of 
politics.  I'm  sick  of  the  everlastin  sound  of'  House  of  As- 
sembly,' and  '  Council,'  and  '  great  folks.'  They  never 
alleviate  talking  about  them  from  July  to  etarnity; 

I  had  a  curious  conversation  about  politics  once,  away 
up  to  the  right  here.  Do  you  see  that  are  house,  said  he, 
in  the  field,  that's  got  a  lurch  to  leeward,  like  a  north  river 
sloop,  struck  with  a  squall,  off  West  Point,  lopsided  like? 
It  looks  like  Seth  Pine,  a  tailor  down  to  Hartford,  that  had 
one  leg  shorter  than  tother,  when  he  stood  at  ease  at  militia 
trainin,  a  restin  on  the  littlest  one.  "Well,  I  had  a  special 
frolic  there  the  last  time  I  passed  this  way.  I  lost  the  linch 
pin  out  of  my  forred  axle,  and  I  turned  up  there  to  get  it 
sot  to  rights.  Just  as  I  drove  through  the  gate,  I  saw  the 
eldest  gall  a  makin  for  the  house  for  dear  life — she  had  a 
short  petticoat  on  that  looked  like  a  kilt,  and  her  bare  legs 
put  me  in  mind  of  the  long  shanks  o{  a  bittern  down  in  a 
rush  swamp,  a  drivin  away  like  mad  full  chizel  arter  a 
frog.  I  could  not  think  what  on  airth  was  the  matter. 
Thinks  I,  she  wants  to  make  herself  look  decent  like  afore 
I  get  in,  she  don't  like  to  pull  her  stockings  on  afore  me ; 
no  I  pulls  up  the  old  horse,  and  let  her  have  a  fair  start 


SETTING    UP    FOR    GOVERNOR.  jyj, 

S^cfs^a  LgX  ml^  t7\^  ^-^1^  proper  scuddm, 
little  children  make  wPfh  ^F^''  J''^  '"^^  «  '^oi^e  as 
school.  uJl  a  h^dt  an^s  1^^^^^^^^^  ^^^-ly  into 

as  wink.    Dear  me    sav«  thT  ?  i  ^^'^'^  ''''"*^  **«  ^"^ck 

head  oul  of  a  broS  wTdow  fn      7T"'-  ^'  '^^  P"^  ^er 
Mr.  Slick  ?    I  snWerT  if  voV?l.-r  .  r  •  V'  ^^^'  ''  ''  ^^^ 
we^tillythougl/^^^^^^^^ 

racef  like  waterfurrow,    n    '  ^^ff'^^S  ^ines  in  h^ 
bony  and  thC l^^TLZZ"^^^^^^  '^'  ^^^ed 

oats,  and  hacia  wicked  evpressioL  ^!  T  T'  ^"^^  ^^^» 
safe  to  come  too  neaz  ifdhp.^'  °"^^'^  '^'^^  "^  ^^^^ 

You  may  come  out  John       •  ,^f '^^f »  cverlastin  kicker. 

Mr.  Slick ;  aTd  oul  ca  "^  JoL  f'  ''  ^''  ^'^"^'  ^'«  «"Iy 
wards,  on 'all  fours^fk?anolo^^^^^^  ^^  ^^^^• 

a  lobster  skullin  w mnf  eend  foreml^  I  '^,°T  f'^™^'  °^ 
as  a  hawk.     Well,  I  ."van  I /». '^?  ~?^  }?^^^^  ««  ^iW 
could  hardly  keep  from  bnrl^^'L/ "^''"'^  ^^^«  «Plit.  I 
was  all  covered  wth^Pn^^r''^^*  T  ^^^^  la^fler-he 
all  the  sweepins  I  nee  Th.  T'  ^'"''  ^"1  ^"'*'  '^^  ^^^ins  of 
there  for  tidS.     He  actUlvTnLTr^"^';'  ^'^^^^^  ""^^^ 
minutes-he  seemed  In  If.  i.-^iT'^^-l^*'':  ^^'^  "^^"«^  ^^  ^en 
that  came  out  witThim  I  kf.    f "^  7''^  '^^  ^^^  ^°«^  «»"«; 
a  goose  half.picked,  aTif  all  th'.  "^^.  ^°'^'  ^"  ^°^^^^  ^^^^^ 
pen  feathers  and  down  we  etfl^"^^^^^^^     F"^'  but  the 
stuffin.     He  put  me  in  mS  nf5  '^  f  ^^-^^  ^""^  "'"§'«  a«d 

Julkin  bird,  fhat'resTomlhVMr*'  ^  ^^^^^ '''' 
high  as  a  man,  and  most T V!  •  ^'^^P'^^^  »  most  as 
ginn  a  hundred  doltrs t  ha.  o  hnT.v''.  ^^^^^'^ose.  I'd  a 
a  fair-tar  and  feaZrs  waTnV  >  r"'  ^^^^  ^'  ^  ^^°^^  '-^^ 
seen  a  gall  both  ifrr n!^  ^  ^'"^^^  ^«  nateral.     You've 

well,  I  Ce  I  „iv  L   ?- •^-^'  '^'  '""^^  *^"^"'  b^»^^  y""^ 
To  seeZVcS  cot^  iLi^°"i''"J  ^^^^'  ^-^  ^^e  sC; 
Christmas,  to  be  fired  Tr     .      ""  ^''^^^  °"*  °^  ^  bag  at 
as  a  play  •  buttn  if  ?       ^'.^'^^  ''^"^^  ^  ^^ot,  was  as  good 
«aked'  c^hildrl!!  re  rd"o^^^^^^  "^  ^^  poverty-the  S 
bin  of  poor  watery  yalL^ofntn""'^'  ^  "^^'^^-^  «™all 
through  the  sides  ^Troof  of  h^^^  L"  '^'  corner-daylighi 
tarred  seams  of  a  shin    all  Mi     ^^use,  looking  like  the 
oi  a  Ship,  all  black  whore  the  smoke  got  ou 


r 


no 


THR    CLOCKMAKBR. 


[. 


i   i 


— no  utensils  for  cookin  or  cntin — and  starvation  wrote  aa 
plain  as  a  handbill  on  their  holler  checks,  skinny  fingers, 
and  sunk  eyes,  went  right  straight  to  the  heart.  1  do  declare 
I  believe  I  should  have  cried,  only  they  did'nt  seem  to  mind 
It  themselves.  They  had  been  used  to  it,  like  a  man  that's 
married  to  a  thunderin  ugly  wife,  he  gets  so  accustomed  to 
the  look  of  her  everlastin  dismal  mug,  that  he  don't  think 
ber  ugly  at  all. 

Well,  there  was  another  chap  a  settin  by  the  fire,  and  he 
did  look  as  if  he  saw  it  and  felt  it  too,  he  did'nt  seem  ovei 
half  pleased,  you  may  depend.  He  was  the  District  School- 
master, and  he  told  me  he  was.  takin  a  spell  at  boardin 
there,  for  it  was  their  turn  to  keep  him.  Thinks  I  to  my- 
self, poor  devil,  you've  brought  your  pigs  to  a  pretty  market, 
that's  a  fact.  I  see  how  it  is,  the  blue-noses  can't '  cypher.* 
The  cat's  out  of  the  bag  now — its  no  wonder  they  don't  go 
ahead,  for  they  don't  know  nothin — the  '  Schoolmaster  is 
abroad,^  with  the  devil  to  it,  for  he  has  no  home  at  all. 
VVhy,  Squire,  you  might  jist  as  well  expect  a  horse  to  go 
right  off  in  gear,  before  he  is  halter  broke,  as  a  blue-nose  to 
get  on  in  the  world,  when  he  has  got  no  schoolin. 

But  to  get  back  to  my  story.  Well,  says  I,  how's  times 
with  you,  Mrs.  Spry?'  Dull,  soys  she,  very  dull,  there's 
no  markets  now,  things  don't  letch  nothin.  Thinks  I, 
some  folks  had'nt  ought  to  complain  of  markets,  for  they 
don't  raise  nothin  to  sell,  but  I  did'nt  say  so ;  for  poverty 
is  keen  enough^  without  sharpening  its  edge  bypokinfun  at 
it.  Potatoes,  says  I,  will  fetch  a  good  price  this  fall,  for 
its  a  short  crop  in  a  general  way  ;  how's  yourn  ?  Grand, 
says  she,  as  complete  as  ever  you  seed ;  our  tops  were 
small  and  did'nt  look  well ;  but  we  have  the  handsomest 
bottoms,  it  is  generally  allowed,  in  all  our  place ;  you  never 
seed  the  beat  of  them,  they  are  actilly  worth  lookin  at.  I 
vow  I  had  to  take  a  chaw  of  tobacky  to  keep  from  snorting 
right  out,  it  sounded  so  queer  like.  Thinks  I  to  myself 
old  lady,  it's  a  pity  you  could'nt  be  changed  eend  for  eena 
then,  as  some  folks  do  their  stockings :  it  would  improve 
the  looks  of  your  dial  plate  amazinly  then,  that's  a  fact. 

Now,  there  was  human  natur,  squire,  said  the  Clock- 
maker,  there  was  pride  even  in  that  hovel.  It  is  found  in 
ntgs  as  well,  as  kings'  robes,  where  butter  is  spread  with 


SETTING   UP   FOR   GOVERNOR.  jj, 

'^v';o:);:aT  --  ''^  ''-^^  ^-^'^^  -'-  -  -^-.  .Me. 
ro/%k'r  for  rsVei^Tr'^T,  ^°  ^^^  ^^^  «»-^ 

of  that  breed,  and  when  thov  .«[.  .    "''^^'^'  °'  sornulhing 
to  hear  the  news     they  Jejf  ril/   ""'f  '","  f^">'  ««^  ^owS 
^yjhing,  as  if  it  LdX:  i-SfhVf'r^Ifr''^'  '^  '^"  «« 
Jacks,  or  Hominy;  or  what  fi  LSf     ^'-i?"""^^*'^"^  ^lap 
genuine  splendid  mint  [u^n  Ia.         '  ""'•  ^  ^lass  of  rea 
mouth  water  to  thTnk  of  7'  itZV^'  ''  '^''"'^^  """^^^  "^X 
^'ill   do  for  us  thb  w  n  L    n?h  '  V''^' °"^' ^^^^^  t^^^^ 
Nofhin,  says  the  otherTthey  neverV„X  '1  f  "f ""^'^^ 
great  peepie  at  Halifax 'tl  "em      «  "?'^»n  but  what  the 
man,  he'll  pay  up  th^V^!n»  ru     T^"""®  Yeoman  is  tho 
have  their  own,  he's  Hstfr L    I^k'  '^''  '^'^^^'  ^^'1'  '^t  'em 
wish  I  could  Jay  al/  In  J2  '\''^''  ^«  i^.     Says  I,^ 

hand  to  one  is  Nicho"  s  Ov^rln  l^"T  '^^'  ^^'"^^  "^ar 
shore,  about  Margaret*:  fiav,^^^^^  "^^«  ^"  ^'ong 

takesayokeofo.4ntodm/him  Wh  *  ^  F"'  "^■'^"'  ^^ 
says  I,  wJiat  on  airth  is  thelZ^l  .  n ^"  '  ^'^^  «^«^  him, 
dropsy,  for  he  is  acti  L  tL  "  f^^^^^^^^  has  he  the 

must  weigh  the  matte  ^f  fife  h?nLT  ^'T' T^ '  ^« 
three  inches  on  the  rib,  he  must  h;v  "^^'^ht;  he'd  cut 

tnat  chap  ?  No,  says  I  donrrail  '     ^  ^'^P"'  ''S^'  ^^  ^^'^* 
^^ntagreat  m^n  in  tt  c^'Trv  f,™/^^«!.'»en,  for  there 
oue  that  desarves  the  namr  S  t'u'  1  ^T '  *^^^«  '^^"t 
you  talk  that  way      S!  *        u  ^'^^  ""'^  ^^^^  at  you  if 
believe  there  LTknd  U's  a  nhJ  t^  '°™^  "f*^  men,^and 
«nd  a  still  greate;  pit?  they  havj  tZilT'r''  °"  '^™» 
"^ong'em,  but  a  countJv  is^o„P    ?^ 
men  m  it,  you  may  denpn/  P      ?r  .T^.^^^^rse  having  rich 

«;^good  jokj,  thaTbLWb^r  No'L"f.'^T^'^^«t'- 
the  meat  that's  at  thetonoffh.h  /  -""^  ^"^"^'  ««ys  1. 
^'>'^  as  that  thatiafiti  t    ""T''  ''  sometimes  not  ^ 

«  tattle  gram  lotver  down:  the  upper 


1V2 


TH£    CLOCKMAKER. 


1 1 


I 


h   ) 

i 


« 


flwrf  lower  ecnds  are  plaguy  apt  to  have  a  little  taint  in  cm. 
but  the  middle  is  always  good. 

Well,  says  the  blue-nose,  perhaps  they  beant  great  men, 
exactly  in  that  sense,  but  they  are  great  men  compared  to 
us  poor  folks;   and  they  eat  up  all  the   revenue,  there's 
nothin  left  for  roads  and  bridges,  they  want  to  ruin  the 
country,  that's  a  fact.     Want  to  ruin  your  granny,  says  I, 
(for  it  raised  my  dander  to  hear  the  critter  talk  such  non. 
sense,)  I  did  hear  of  one  chap,  says  I,  that  sot  fire  to  his 
own  house  once,  up  to  Squantum,  but  the  cunnin  rascal 
insured  it  first;  now  how  can  your  great  folks  ruin  the 
country  without  ruinin  themselves,  unless  they  have  insured 
the  Province?  our  folks  will  insure  all  creation  for  half 
nothin,  but  I  never  heerd  tell  of  a  country  being  insured 
agin  rich  men.     Now  if  you  ever  go  to  Wall  Street  to  get 
such  a  policy,  leave  the  door  open  behind  you,  that's  all ; 
or  they'll  grab  right  hold  of  you,  shave  your  head  and 
elister  it,  clap  a  strait  jacket  on  you,  and  whip  you  right 
mto  a  mad  house,  afore  you  can  say  Jack  Robinson.     No, 
your  great  men  are  nothin  but  rich  men,  and  I  can  tell  you 
for  your  comfort,  there's  nothin  to  hinder  you  from  bein 
rich  too,  if  you  will  take  the  same  means  as  they  did.   They 
were  once  all  as  poor  folks  as  you  be,  or  their  fathers  afore 
them ;  for  I  know  their  whole  breed,  seed,  and  generation, 
und  they  wouldn't  thank  you  to  tell  them  that  you  knew 
their  fathers  and  grandfathers,  I  tell  you.     If  ever  you  want 
the  loan  of  a  hundred  pounds  from  any  of  them,  keep  dark 
about  that — see  as  far  ahead  as  you  please,  but  it  tante 
always  pleasant  to  have  folks  see  too  far  back.     Perhaps 
they  be  a  little  proud  or  so,  but  that's  nateral ;  all  folks 
that  grow  up  right  off,  like  a  mushroom  in  one  night,  are 
apt  to  think  no  small  beer  of  themselves.     A  cabbage  has 
plaguy  large  leaves  to  the  bottom,  and  spreads  them  out  as 
wide  as  an  old  woman's  petticoats,  to  hide  the  ground  it 
sprung  from,  and  conceal  its  extraction,  but  what's  that  to 
you  ?     If  they  get  too  large  salaries,  dock  'em  down  at 
once,  but  don't  keep  talkin  about  it  for  everlastinly.   If  you 
have  too  many  sarvants,  pay  some  of  'em  off,  or  when  they 
quit  your  sarvice  don't  hire  others  in  their  room,  that's  all  • 
bu<;  you  miss  your  mark  when  you  keen  firin  away  th« 
whole  blessed  time  that  wav. 


V  I 


taint  in  cm 


SETTIKO    UP    roa    GOVEBNOR.  1,3 

He.  slip  a.  S  „Td  mS  t^'  grvt  IE'""  '  "T*" 
What  a  blockhead  vou  ho  Sn^n  If  *  ♦»  ^^  ^*^^®'''  ^^ys  he, 
were  too  far  off  vou  had'n?^'  If  '  ^u  "'  ^^''^  ^'»"»t.  'hey 
At  Bunker's  hUUrieUheBH^fK*  ^^  have  fired  so  W 

peed  the  whites  of  the  r  ey's  and  ^0^'  7^'  u""  ^'"  ^^ 
it  slap  bang.     Well    I  rJt  C-  a         ■   "^"^  '^^  ^^em  have 

shot,  Ld  I  d  dn w  hl?f  i;rf'K^"^«f.'^  '^^  ""■««'«  "'y 

I,  vis,  father rburrecoltcttu\«^^  I''''  «°  ^^^^^ 

behind,  where  you  were  oror^r  Jr  **  T"^  '^^"'^  »«  hide 
ror  your  guns  tL ;  bTaf  X  f^uteTa  litl  ^  "^^ 
than  the  whites  of  their  eves  von  rL  r  ,  ^  '"°'*« 

full  split,  and  so  I  don'[  see  much  Tu     '  ^°"'  ^""•'  ''^^» 
all.  so  come  now.     I'U  t^ach^oV  ot^^^t  wf  '^^^^^ 
puppy  you,  said  he,  of  that  sloriou.ll       ^  u^°/'  y°" 
"le  a  wipe  that  I  do  believe    71  hJn? '  ^f,^^/^'^^^^ 
have  spoiled  my  gunnb  for' that  hi^^h     ^  1°^^^^'  ^^'^"'^ 
wide  birth  arter  that  a  I  day      Wei   ^J'  '°  \  ^'^"%h''"  « 
ed,  says  I,  she  hung  fire  so  eveHast  nlv^.V    '"""  ^  "^•^^• 
and  the  next  miss  sav«  T  Vh.         J     V' '^^  "°  wonder 
Well,  I  missedreVshot  and%Z'^^^    '^  "°  8°^^'  '  vow. 
one  on  'em-the  S  was  bad  oJ  sheZTT"  '"I  '''"^ 
or  the  shot  scaled,  or  somefhba  or  annrh  !f  ^^.^  P^"' 

would'nt  do,  I  swore  the  t.?n  xl/  ^"o^her  •  and  when  all 

says  father,  and  he  edgedTp  111  the  T^  f  '"•  ^°^^' 
for  that  hit  it  his  Bunker  hHl  s to  t  v\'°  ^^^  ™^  *'«* 
shot  I  did'nt  miss,)  you  h^n't  It  h7'-  k'J'''^  ''^'  *''^  «"'y 
It  was  your  own  LrSam  "^     ''"'""  ""^''  ^"• 

Ba^k7andc'lS,:';dr^^^^  T^  ^^^^ 

men,'  till  you  are  tired,  br^salU^o^^^^^ 
no   spirit    and   no   enterprise    vou   ZnT -^^f"^'^''' 
economy;   use  them,  aXyouni7oonZ     '"^^'t^  "«^ 

l«als,good  eih  La  1        -"a^lonery  of  one  of  our 
■nd, hen  you.,,,,,  .^.d  ^ol^^^^ ^ 


114 


THE    CLOCKMAKER. 


twtve  up  poVuictt—U's  a  barren  feld,  and  well  xmtchcd 
too ;  where  one  critter  jumps  a  fence  into  a  good  field 
and  gets  fat,  more  nor  twenty  are  chased  round  and 
round,  by  a  whole  pack  of  yclpin  curs,  till  they  are  fairly 
beat  out,  and  eend  by  hein  half  starved,  and  are  at  the 
Itftin  at  last.  Look  to  your  farms — your  water  pmcers 
^your  fsheries,  and  factories.  In  short,  says  I,  puttin 
on  my  hat  and  startin,  look  to  yourselves,  and  donH  look 
to  others. 


CHAPTER  XXII. 
A  CURE  FOR  CONCEIT. 

Its  a  most  curious  unaccountable  thing,  but  it's  a  fact 
said  the  Clockmaker,  the  bluc-noses  are  so  conceited,  they 
think  they  know  everything;  and  yet  there  aint  a  livin 
soul  in  Nova  Scotia  knows  his  own  business  real  complete 
farmer  or  fisherman,  lawyer  or  doctor,  or  any  other  folk! 
A  farmer  said  to  me  one  day,  up  to  Pugnose's  inn,  at 
River  Phihp,  Mr.  Slick,  says  he,  I  allot  this  aint  ♦  a  bread 
country;'  I  intend  to  sell  off  the  house  I  improve,  and  go 
to  the  States.     If  it  aint  a  bread  country,  said  I,  I  never 
see'd  one  that  was.     There  is  more  bread  used  here,  made 
of  best  superfine  flour,  and  No.  1.  Genessee,  than  in  any 
other  place  of  the  same  population  in  the  univarse.     You 
might  as  well  say  it  aint  a  clock  country,  when,  to  my 
sartm  knowledge,  there  are  more  clocks  than  bibles  in  it. 
I  guess  you  expect  to  raise  your  bread  ready  made,  don'i 
you  ?     Well  there's  ouly  one  flass  of  our  free  end  enlight- 
oned  citizens  that  can  v^  i'.u,    nd  that'r   ho^mthat  are  born 
with  silver  spoons  in  ihdt:  mouths.     It's  a  pity  you  wasn't 
availed  of  this  truth,  afore  you  up  killoch  and  off—take  my 
dvice  and  bide  where  you  be. 
Well,  the  fishermen  are  jist  as  bad.     The  next  time  you 
go  into  the  fish-market  at  Halifax,  stump  some  of  the  old 
hands ;  says  you,  « how  many  fins  has  a  cod,  at  a  word,' 
And  I'll  liquidate  the  bet  if  you  lose  it.     When  Tve  been 


lU 


^  CURE  rOR  CONCEIT.  1,1 

afong-shorc  ufore  now,  a  vondln  of  mv  i  . 
ga"  to  raise  my  dundc  r,  by  U  hfWn  .T  '''^''''  ""'^  '^ey  1« 
brought  them  up  by  ;  To.mH  ?^  *'i^  ^''^'^^^^^ '  '^'^W 
•how  many  fins  hu/a  cod  1.  „  "  ,^/  ^^"^  requiremJt 
could  ans/er  it ;  and  IhonXVlZtn     '^^"'  ^^'^^  "^-«' 

^^^^IX::!^^  ^^^^  ir  ^hey  can't  ,. 

can't  they'/   NothiUever  sH  "hL    L'"*?  ««  ^°""^'  if. 
^osmh  and  Eldad,  one  was  Syer  and  ,1°^  !r  ""'f'"^''' 
rhey  were  a  taikin  about  t]Jr        '   •      .'  ""^^^^  «  doctor, 
a  huskin  frolic,  up  Tgov  TnorTaTl'ri""^  °"^  "'^''>^-  °^ 
Slickville.     Says  Josy,  When  I  wn  J       ^'^  ''P"^  *^'»''»  "^ 
J-^ed  me  all  about  rea    eluto-  n.A   ^•^'^'^'n^d»  the  Judge 
he,  what's  a  fee  ?     Why   sats'l  f /i  "'^'  ^'"'  '^'^^^^h'  4^ 
natur  of  the  case.     In^^  lommon    ^"' ''  ^^^^^^^  «^  ^he 
•dollars  a  pretty  fair  one    bu^Tn?.       w '.''^^^  '»  '  ^all  six 
now,  I've  heerd  tell   1  000  In     ^^'  Y^^^^^^  ^««  got  afore 
Well,  the  Judge  hl'^rd^e    '^o^p  it' t  '^  ^'"  '^  ^^• 
I,  old  chap,  you'll  bust  like  a  stPnm  k  i  ^'^/'^^s  ;  (thinks 
a  safety  valve  somewhere  or  anT  ^P^'W^  ^^^  han't  got 
that's  superfine  ;  I'll  iSse  vour  c-^-«"       '-'^'  ^''  ^  '^^ 

^^IdK  ^^«^^;nned  if  the  same 

co^^^Xrandtre^S 

reel  at  a  word,  without  a  Htfl!       V°V'  ^^"Id,  right  off  the 

n^e,  *  How  would  you  LlciSf  ^Phenn;  at  last  they  axed 

-hen  common  mois  wouldn'r  wo?k '  "  T''1'  '"^^  ««---' 
'» Id  do  as  Dr  TomrZ;  d  "'^^  ^^  how  ?    Whv,  sav<, 

--  .ha,  -id  lie^"  Why"rjf  T''  ''"•l;--     Arfd  Z 


"-'">  ^^f  tiie  ohck  family 


116 


THE   CLOCKMAKER. 


i.  ii 


were  counted  in  a  general  way  to  be  pretty  considerable 
cute. 

They  reckon  themselves  here,  a  chalk  above  us  Yankees, 
but  I  guess  they  have  a  wrinkle  or  two  to  grow  afore  they 
progress  ahead  on  us  yet.  If  they  han't  got  a  full  cargo 
of  conceit  here,  then  I  never  see'd  a  load,  that's  all.  They 
have  the  hold  chock  full,  deck  piled  up  to  the  pump  handles, 
and  scuppers  under  water.  They  larnt  that  of  the  British, 
who  are  acti  'y  so  full  of  it,  they  remind  me  of  Commodore 
Trip.  When  he  was  about  half  shaved  he  thought  every 
body  drunk  but  himself.  I  never  liked  the  last  war,  I 
thought  it  unnateral,  and  that  we 


hadn't  ought  to 


> 
Irave 
taken  hold  of  it  at  all,  and  so  most  of  our  New  England  folks 
thought ;  and  1  wasn't  sorry  to  hear  Gineral  Dearborne 
was  beat,  seein  we  had  no  call  to  go  into  Canada.  But 
when  the  Guerriere  was  captivated  by  our  old  Ironsides, 
the  Constitution,  I  did  feel  lifted  up  amost  as  high  as  a  stalk 
of  Varginy  corn  among  Connecticut  middlins  ;  I  grew  two 
inches  taller,  I  vow,  the  night  I  heerd  that  news.  Brag, 
says  I,  is  a  good  dog,  but  hold  fast  is  better.  The  British 
navals  had  been  braggin  and  a  hectorin  so  long,  that  when 
they  landed  in  our  cities,  they  swaggered  e'en  amost  as 
Uncle  Peleg  (big  Peleg  as  he  was  called,)  and  when  he 
walked  up  the  centre  of  one  of  our  narrow  Boston  streets, 
he  used  to  swing  his  arms  on  each  side  of  him,  so  that  folks 
nad  to  clear  out  of  both  foot  paths ;  he's  cut,  afore  now, 
the  fingers  of  both  hands  agin  the  shop  windows  on  each 
side  of  tho  street.  Many  the  poor  feller's  crupper  bone  he's 
smashed,  with  his  great  thick  boots,  a  throwin  out  his  feet 
afore  him  e'en  amost  out  of  sight,  when  he  was  in  full  rig 
a  swiggling  away  at  the  top  of  his  gait.  Well,  they  cut  as 
many  shines  as  Uncle  Peleg.  One  frigate,  they  guessed, 
would  captivate,  sink,  or  burn  our  whole  navy.  Says  a 
naval,  one  day,  to  the  skipper  of  a  fishing  boat  that  he  took, 
says  he.  Is  it  true.  Commodore  Decatur's  sword  is  made  of 
un  old  iron  hoop?  Well,  says  the  skipper,  I'm  not  quite 
certified  as  to  that,  seeing  as  I  never  sot  eyes  on  it  ;  bQt 
guess  if  he  gets  a  chance  he'll  show  you  the  temper  of  it 
Eome  of  these  days,  any  how. 

I  mind  once  a  British  man-o'- war  took  one  of  our  Boston 
vessels,  and  ordered  all  nmids  on  board,  and  sent  a  party  to 


cousiderable 


A  CUKE  FOR  CONCEIT.  ,  ,  , 

^y  Wen,  ne^'d'ay  aS.e?«T ,?"' -•™°'^  '"rf 
lli.ck  as  toads  arter  a  rain)  cmnp«  n^  f  ^^°'  "•"3'  W™  as 
fi»:  her  to  bring  ,„.  No  insTr  "'  ■• ""''  '^"'^  »  ^h"' 
hvm  soul  on  botrd,  and  ano"her,hTfi  "l?''^«"'re  bein  no 


-v,  ouys  n,e  first   eftenant    T  rr.        .^      ""   ^"^  "a?-) 
men,  that  shot  frightened  S  /  !  ''^  ^^^^  ^^^  alJ  deld 
to  show  their  notes      avanoL''^    ^^>^  ^''^  ««^^rd 
shaved  offby  our  3hots*Therlr!'n  7^   ^^'y   ^^^"'d  be 
^«^a<e«'  their  loss,  I  J^s,  sal  TX^^l  ^°.V"  ^«^«^^  «  '  ^aT 
«ays  the  Captain,  its^soS  YYnkep^"'^V  ^  ^'  '^^^  ^y  ^avy, 
bottom    or  some  such  Trap!^  w,  Tf  Y^  '^P^^^  ^«  h^i 
enough,  next  day,  baek  she^camr^o  i     ^u    ^'  ^"^  «"re 
you  a  quarter  of  an  hour  saTth    /5°'^  ?^^soIf.    I'Ugivo 
r;ere  to  his  men,  to  take  that  a  J  v  ^f^*"'"  °^  ^^^  gL? 
stitution.     I  guess  he  found  WsJ?^'  ^^^ate,  the  Con. 
.    expect  ,(,  without  any  gre"?  sarch  f^^"  ""-^^'^  ^^  didn't 
eventuate  my  storv^  If  A\T    ^^^^^/or  it  either.     Yes  (tn 
promise  you."  1t7is"a  '  ovX  Stt'  '^^^^-^^^"I  Se 
Our  folks  beat  'em  arter  that  so  often  ?h'  ^^  ""  ^^'^  '"^rnik 
00  much  conceit  also.    ThL  ^ot  f h'  •  ?  ^?^  ^  ^'"^^  g^^in 
tlieir  boots,  and  hoo-an  fo  Jlw  ??    ^'''''  ^^^is  too  high  for 

-^en  the  ChesapeX  got  Xpe'Vvf  %'^^'^S  *«"'  -^  J- 
*Pfe  that  one,  and  it  made  Snrnl  f"  T'^*  ^^^ould 
teller  who  gets  a  hnJcf  T      our  navals  look  round  Jikr  « 

-ade'emb^I^hthtTu^toVrndtt^  ^^^^"  ^^  ^^-      It 
^f  o"t  their  combs,  that's  alct     7u^  °"  'f}^^'  sheepish 
«>ght  of  good  in  more  wavs  th  •       ^^  '"'/-^'^  "«  ^  P'aguy 
^°"^e  good,  too.    It  taugh^\'^'"JAo  '"^  ^'  l!^-  '^'  ^"^'^^ 
K,  ior  fear  they  shouldnT.PP  fl  ^"^  ^^^^^  ^^^"^  *oo 

£^S^  toy  'sTST  ^.''^  t^'^-'  -  '^^^^ 

-  -  — y  .Ho^eS- tcS:itr  ^Lfo.4 


118 


THE   CLOCKMAKER. 


til     ! 


all  the  world;  acclimated,  it  is  cit.'zenised  among  'em,  and 
the  only  cure  is  a  real  good  quiltin.     I  met  a  first  chop  Col- 
Chester  Gag  this  summer  agoin  to  the  races  to  Halifax,  and 
he  knowed  as  much  about  racin,  I  do  suppose,  as  a  Chictaw 
Ingian  does  of  a  railroad.     Well,  he  was  a  praisin  of  his 
norse,  and  runnm  on  like  Statiee.     He  was  begot,  he  said, 
by  Roncesvalles,  which  was  better  than  any  ho?se  that  ever 
was  seen,  because  he  was  once  in  a  duke's  stable  in  Ena 
land.      It  was  only  a  man  that  had  blood  like  a  lord,  saia 
he,  that  knew  what  blood  in  a  horse  was.     Captain  Currv- 
comb,  an  officer  at  Halifax,  had  seen  his  horse  and  praised 
mm,  and  that  was  enough— that  stamped  him— that  fixed 
his  value.     It  was  like  the  President's  name  to  a  bank  note. 
It  makes  it  pass  current.     Well,  says  I,  I  han't  got  a  drop 
of  blood  in  me  nothin  stronger  than  molasses  and  water  I 
vow,  but  I  guess  I  know  a  horse  when  I  see  him  for  all 
that,  and  I  don  t  think  any  great  shakes  of  your  beast,  any 

fnu'rT  /  '*-'^  "^'^  ^°"  g^^^  ™«'  «^y«  I'  and  I  will  run 
Old  Clay  agin  you,  for  a  mile  lick  right  an  eend.  Ten 
rods,  said  he,  for  twenty  dollars.  Well,  we  run,  and  1 
made  « Old  Clay'  bite  in  his  breath,  and  only  beat  him  by 
half  a  neck.  A  tight  scratch,  says  I,  that,  and  it  would 
have  sarved  me  right  if  I  had  been  beat.  I  had  no  business 
o  run  an  old  roadster  so  everlastin  fast,  it  aint  fair  on  him, 
IS  it  ?   Says  he,  I  will  double  the  bet  and  start  even,  and 

last  It  wouldn't  be  pretty  not  to  give  you  a  chance;  I  dc 
^ppose  I  oughn't  to  refuse,  but  I  don't  love  to  abuse  my 
beast  by  knockm  hira  about  this  way. 

As  soon  as  the  money  was  staked,  I  said.  Hadn't  we  bet- 
ter,  says  I,  draw  stakes,  that  are  blood  horse  of  yourn  has 
such  unconimon  particular  bottom,  he'll  perhaps  leave  me 
clean  out  of  sight.     No  fear  of  that,  said  he,  larfin,  but  he'll 

you  back  of  the  bargam.  Its  run  or  forfeit.  Well,  savs 
J,  friend,  there  is  fear  of  it;  your  horse  will  leave  me  out 
oi  sight  to  a  sartainty,  that's  a  fact,  for  he  can^t  keep  up  to 
me  no  time.  I'll  drop  him.  hull  down,  in  tu  tu's.  If  Old 
Clay  didn't  make  a  fool  of  him,  it's  a  pity.  Didn'l  he  CctU 
.op  pretty,  that's  all?  He  walked  awayYrom  him,  jL  as 
hr  Chancellor   Livingston   steamboat   passes  a  sloop  at 


A   CURE   FOR   COWCEIT.  ,,« 

wjchor  in  the  North  River     S«..    t  t     ,j 
would  beat  Lie  clean  out  of  siairhuf  ^°"  y^"'*  ^'"'so 

me;  now,  says  I,  I  will  Zi  ^  *  "^  ^^^  wouldn't  believ* 
horse  will  help  you  to  o^  1^1""''*^'"^  ^'^-  ^htt  are 
you  are  a  thinkin  on;  for  thTrr  'T'^'^  '^^^'^^^  than 
there  that  won't  beat  him  H.  .«  v  *  '^^'^  g°°«  <iown 
.nay  tell  the  British  Cai  Uav'o     5^'\.\^^^'  ^^  y«« 

«/arm«.,  anrf^„e  1  blollhn^ '  ^^VJ^^^  fast  enough  for 
to  keep  stable^elpXte^t^'^^  that  can  a/rd 

them  as  has  more  i<meyZ  Z' a^ r'^'^'J'''"''  ^^^'  ^o 
cash,  without  tUnUn\^nV\hi-T''^'\il'^'''^^^ 
your  advice,  said  he,  f  will-C 'f  "v  ^'**\  ^?««  ^  ^ant 
You  might  have  got  t  beToi^l  '  T?  P^'^^^^  s^I^y- 
not  afore  you  Wanted  iT  vn.f  ""^'f  ^°'  ^^'  ««''d  I,  but 
stop,  said  Inlet's  si  that'affr^hTnt^"^  ""  ^^-  B"* 
counts  over  the  fifteen  pounri  wl  'r  ,'"  ""^  ^'''''  ^^  ^ 

Uld  Clay' agm,  and  says  I  Fnpn7,;«.  u '  ^"  '  "^"""ts 

the  advantage  of  me  iJ^wZx         '  T"  ^^^^  considerably 

he,  how's  that?  Wy  savs  j    '  '"^  ^^^^     ^^^^^^ble  I  says 

ighter  than  you  caKd  Vat&^'"^  '^^^er 

how,  and  then  I  gave  him  «  t'y      T  *^°^  '  ^an  say,  any 

a?  much  as  to  sf^,  cdolu  tat ''     V""'?  "'  *^^^  ^ '"^^ 
him  starin  and  scratchin  h\Th  ^T!   ^""^  ^^^^  »«  and  left 

-ad     If  that  S  aim  ?;:''' tS  '^"^^"^^'^  ^««^  ^" 
the  disease,  depend  on't  h"^  L^^V'::!;;}o^V^^^  '" 


ri! 


;^ 


i  It: 


1 

i 

1 

1 

1   ■■ 

)  : 


120 


THE   CLOCKMAKER. 


CHAPITER  XXII. 
THE  BLOWIN  TIME. 

Thm  long  rambling  dissertation  on  conceit  to  which  1  tia 
just  listened,  from  the  Clockmakor,  forcibly  reminded  mt 
ot  the  celebrated  aphorism  'gnothi  seauton,'  know  thyself, 
which,  both  from  its  great  antiquity  and  wisdom,  has  been 
by  many  attributed  to  an  oracle. 

With  all  his  shrewdness  to  discover,  and  his  humoar  to 
ridicule  the  foibles  of  others,  Mr.  Slick  was  blind  to  the  many 
detects  of  his  own  character ;  and  while  prescribing  *  a  cure 
for  conceit,  exhibited  in  all  he  said,  and  all  he  did,  the  aiost 
overweening  conceit  himself.     He  never  spoke  of  his  own 
countrymen,  without  calling  them  the  « most  free  and  en- 
lightened  citizens  on  the  face  of  the  airth,'  or  as  *  takin  the 
shine  off  of  all  creation.'     His  country  he  boasted  to  be 
the  '  best  aUveen  the  two  poles,'  '  the  greatest  glory  under 
Heaven.      Ihe  Yankees  he  considered  (to  use  his  expres- 
sion)  as  *  actilly  the  class-leadcrs  in  knowledge  amone 
all  the  Americans,'  and  boasted  that  they  have  not  onU 
»gone  ahead  of  all  others,'  but  had  lately  arrived  at  thai 
most  enviable  ne  plus  ultra  point '  goin  ahead  of  themselves.' 
in  short,  he  entertained  no  doubt  that  Slickville  was  the 
hnest  place  in  the  greatest  nation  in  the  world,  and  the  Slick 
lamily  the  wisest  family  in  it. 

I  was  about  calling' his  attention  to  this  national  trait, 

when  I  saw  him  draw  his  reins  under  his  foot  (a  mode  of 

driving  peculiar  to  himself,  when  he  wished  to  economise 

the  time  that  would  otherwise  be  lost  by  an  unnecessary 

delay,)  and  takmg  off  his  hat,  (which,  like  a  pedlar's  pack, 

contained  a  general  assortment,)  select  from  a  number  of 

loose  cigars  one  that  appeared  likely  '  to  go,'  as  he  called 

»t.     Having  lighted  it  by  a  lucifer,  and  ascertained  that  it 

was    true  in  draft,'  he  resumed  his  reins,  and  remarked 

ihis  must  be  an  everlastin  fine  country  beyond  all  doubt 

tor  the  folks  have  nothin  to  do  but  to  ride  about  and  talk 

liolitics.     In  winter,  when  the  ground  is  covered  with  snow, 


i»ii:f«t*S^.-*Sal»*i. 


THE    liLOWIN    TIME. 


121 


wrmf.  gruncl  tirnes   they  have  n  sinyin  over  these  here 

qinltin  frol.ca  of  nice  long  winter  evenings,  ind  then  n 
dnvin  home  like  mad  by  moonlight.      Natur  mean?  thu 
reason  on  purpose  for  courtin.     A  little  tidy  s«t  ous 
I.x,k.ng  slay,  a  real  clipper  of  a  horse,  a  siring  of^S 
on  l-"rVf  T»  f  '"'""^  ^«""d  his  neck,  and  a  sprig 

broke'ora/i^h'"  "^^  ""  V°^'^  '»''«  ^  ^'^'^  «''«PP  » 
^nmJ  ^.  J'^""  time,  and  a  sweetheart  alongsidi,  all 
muffled  up  but  heT  eyes  and  lips-fho  one  lookin  riht  nto 
you,  and   the  other  talkin  right  at  you -is   e'en  amnl^ 

such  a  din    fhi  ""f  '^^-^^^'  r'"^'"''  ^'^y  *h^^  bo"«  "^«'<o 

such  a  dm,  there  s  no  hear.n  one's  self  speak  ;  so  they  put 

talk    t^Ko  can'^H  ^'  tZ  "^  ^?  ^^"^  ^"^^'  «"^  '-^^'^^^^ 
hor.;   nnHM         t'^'P  '^''^fS  "8*^*  ^t  ^''^"^  '"«tead  of  the 

drift  tdi''^"P  ^?^  *^'**  «^  ^'^P^^^^'d  i"t°  «»  «now 
drift  together,  skms,  cushions,  and  all.    And  then  to  see 

Uie  h  tie  cntter  shake   herself  when  she  gets  up"  hke^ 

duck  landin  from  a  pond,  a  chatterin  away  oil  the  t  me  like 

a  Canary  bird,  and  you  a  haw-hawin  with  pleasure  is  bn 

ahve,  you  may  depend.     In  this  way  bL-nose  ge ts    ed 

on^to  offer  himself  as  a  lovier,  afore  he  knows  where  iie 

But  when  he  gets  married,  he  recovers  his  eyesight  in 
I. tie  less  than  half  no  time.  He  soon  finds  he's  ?reed" 
his  flint  IS  fixed  then,  you  may  depend.  She  larns  him 
how  vinegar  is   made:    Put  plenty  of  «.gariZ  Z 

ureal  sharp.     The  larf  is  on  the  other  side  of  his  mouth 

hen      If  his  slay  gets  upsot,  it's  no  longer  a  funny  mat- 

tci    I  tn  I  you  J  he  catches  it  right  and  left.     Her  eves 

ril   S  "°"''  11'  ^'^J:  f  "y  '"'^^'  "-  »>-  little    o„\^ue 
ring    ring,  ring,  like  a  bell  any  longer,  but  a  crcat  h-, 

htlac:".;?!  ^^1'  r.'  '^  whappfn  ^r^  muKveiS 

to  thlf^'    S  .    u^  '°°\'  '•''^  "  *^«g  «''  «"i'cd  clothes  agoin 

to  the  brook  to  be  washed.     When  they  get  out.  she  don't 

«.t  any  more  for  him  to  walk  lock  ^a^d  lock  with  her 

'I  e  dftpn     '  |'^'^''^'""^-.»'--n«'""gniicationit's'a  pit>" 
.ihe  d.flcencc  atwcen  a  wiib  and  a  swccllmrt  is  near 


182 


THE   CLOOKMAKJBR. 


K 


about  as  great  as  there  is  between  new  and   hard  cide 
—a  man  never  tires  of  puttin  one  to  his  h'p,  but  makei 
plaguy  wry  faces   at  tother.      It  makes  me  so  kindej 
wamblecropt  when  I  think  on  it,  that  I'm  afeared  to  ven 
ture  on  matrimony  at  all.     I  have  seen  some  blue-noses 
most  properly  bit,  you  may  depend.    You've  seen  a  bo5 
a  shdin  on  a  most  beautiful  smooth  bit  of  ice,  ha'nt  you 
larfin,  and  hoopin,  and  hallowin  like  one  possessed,  when 
presently  sowse  he  goes  in  over  head  and  ears  ?    How 
he  outs  fins,  and  flops  about,  and  blows  like  a  porpoise 
properly  frightened,  don't  he?  and  when  he  gets  out  there 
he  stands,  all  shiverin  and  shakin,  and  the  water  a  squish- 
squashm  in  his  shoes,  and  his  trowsers  all  stickin  slimsey 
like  to  his  legs.     Well,  he  sneaks  off  home,  lookin  like  a 
fool,  and  thinkin  every  body  he  meets  is  a  larfin  at  him— 
many  folks  here  are  like  that  are  boy,  afore  they  have  been 
SIX  months  married.    They'd  be  proper  glad  to  get  out  of 
Uie  scrape  too,  and  sneak  off  if  they  could,  that's  a  fact. 
The  marriage  yoke  is  plaguy  apt  to  gall  the  neck,  as  the 
ash  bow  does  the  ox  in  rainy  weather,  unless  it  be  most 
particularly  well  fitted.     You've  seen  a  yoke  of  cattle  that 
warn  t  properly  mated,  they  spend  more  strength  in  puUin 
agin  each  other,  than  in  pullin  the  load.     Well  that's  apt 
to  be  the  case  with  them  as  choose  their  wives  in  sleigh  in 
parties,  quiltin  frolics,  and  so  on ;  instead  of  the  dairies, 
looms,  and  cheese-house. 

Now  the  blue-noses  are  all  a  stirrin  in  winter.  The 
young  folks  drive  out  the  galls,  and  talk  love  aod  all  sorts 
of  things  as  sweet  as  dough-nuts.  The  old  folks  find  it 
near  about  as  well  to  leave  the  old  women  to  home,  lor 
fear  they  shouldn't  keep  tune  together;  so  they  drive  out 
alone  to  chat  about  House  of  Assembly  with  their  neigh- 
bours, while  the  boys  and  hired  helps  do  the  chores. 
When  the  Spring  comes,  and  the  fields  are  dry  enouph  to 
be  sowed,  they  all  have  to  be  plowed,  cause  fall  rairu 
tcash  the  lands  too  much  for  fall  plovghin.  Well,  the 
plows  have  to  be  mended  and  sharpened,  cause  what's  the 
use  of  doin  that  afore  it's  wanted.  Well,  the  wheat  g3ts 
ii/i°°  'ate,  and  then  comes  rust,  but  whose  fault  is  that? 
Why  the  climate  to  be  sure^fw  Nova  Scotia  aint  a  breod 
ountry . 


li- 


THE   BLOWIN    TIME. 


129 


slack  up  the  rein  and  give  him  a  little  wi^  oSfal 
right  down  with  you.     It  stands  to  reason,  don'  ft  ^   Atwix 

TKrand  T'^'l'  •^'^"'^"  '*^^-'  ^hen  Courts  come 
on,  and  Grand  Jury  business,  and  Militia  trainin,  and  Ra^l 

and  .ha.  is  prop:^  harlto^irwinXShTh  ^anl 
reapm  and  b,ndin  grain,  and  potatoe  diS  Thai W 
hard  as  sole  leather,  afore  it's  hammered  ff?he  Ian  llo^ 

^/s-^i^s'^rnf.:-5S^r^ 

crop,  and  finds  a  proper  swad  of  it  already  piled  ud  onlv  « 
!■.  le  we.  or  so;  but  all  countries  aim  Ifte  Ohio     W^ll 

^mpll  rX;,^""'.""*?"  ^'0  *<'  Wue-nosi  can 
Father  used  to  say  when  I  lived  on  the  farm  alons  with 

all  astarn,  as  sure  as  the  Lord  made  Mos^^      Tf  vT  7i    ! 

Tpe^d  X'^;ioltraiTr?a  i?"'h"  "t;"""-^'  y°"  -"y 


124 


THE   CLOCRMAKBR. 


and  dilchin— and  turn  tu  and  fall  plowin  agin.     It  all  went 
round  like  a  wheel  without  stoppin,  and  so  iast,  I  guess  you 
couldn  t  see  the  spokes,  just  one  long  everlastin  stroke  from 
July  to  etarnity,  without  time  to  look  back  on  the  tracks. 
Instead  of  racm  over  tlio  country  like  a  young  doctor,  to 
show  how  busy  a  man  is  that  has  nothin  to  do,  as  blue-nose 
docs,  and  then  take  a  '  blowin  time,'  we  kept  a  rale  travellin 
gate,  an  eight-mile-an-hour  pace,  the  whole  year  round. 
I  hey  buy  more  nor  they  sell,  and  eat  more  than  they  raise, 
in  this  country.     What  a  pretty  way  that  is,  is*nt  it?    If 
the  critters  knew  how  to  cypher,  they  would  soon  find  out 
that  a  sum  stated  that  way  always  eends  in  a  naught.     I 
never  knew  it  to  fail,  and  I  defy  any  soul  to  cypher  it  so, 
as  to  make  it  come  out  any  other  way,  either  by  School- 
masters  Assistant  or  Algebra.    When  I  was  a  boy,  the 
Slickville  bank  broke,  and  an  awful  disorderment  it  made, 
that  s  a  fact ;  nothin  else  was  talked  of.    Well,  I  studied  it 
over  a  long  time,  but  I  couldn't  make  it  out:  so  says  I. 
I  "her,  how  came  that  are  bank  to  break  ?    Wam't  it  well 
built  f    I  thought  that  are  Quincy  granite  was  so  amazin 
strong  all  natur  wouldn't  break  it.     Why  you  foolish  crit. 
ter,  says  he,  it  tant  the  buildin  that's  broke,  its  the  consarn 
that  s  smashed.     Well,  says  I,  I  know  folks  are  plaguiUy 
cx.nsarned  about  it,  but  what  do  you  call  « folks  smashm 
their  consarns?'    Father,  he  larfed  out  like  any  thine:  I 
thought  he  never  would  stop— and  sister  Sail  got  richt  up 
and  walked  out  of  the  room,  as  mad  as  a  hattef.  Says  she, 
feam,  I  do  believe  you  are  a  born  fool,  I  vow.    When  Fa. 
ther  had  done  larfin,  says  he,  I'll  tell  you,  Sam,  how  it  was. 
1  hey  cyphered  it  so,  that  they  brought  out  nothin  for  a 
remainder.     Possible !  says  I ;  I  thought  there  was  no  eend 
to  their  puss.  I  thought  it  was  like  Uncle  Peleg's  musquash 
hole,  and  that  no  soul  could  ever  find  the  bottom  of.    My  i ! 
says  I.    Yes,  says  he,  that  are  bank  spent  and  lost  more 
money  than  it  made,  and  when  folks  do  that,  they  must 
smash  at  last,  if  their  puss  be  as  long  as  the  national  one 
of  Uncle  Sam.   This  Province  is  like  that  are  bank  of  ourn. 
It  s  goin  the  same  road,  and  they'll  find  the  little  eend  of  tha 
'*^J5  afore  they  think  they  are  half  way  down  to  it. 

If  folks  wo.uld  only  give  over  talking  about  that  everlast. 
in  House  of  Assembly  and  Council,  and  see  to  their  farms, 


THE    BLOWm    TIME,  2«d 

el  e.     It's  no  more  like  Conlts^or  ^a?!'  ^""'^l  fu"^  ^ '"" 
Pugwash's  keepin  room  kZl  Zr  ^T^   u^^"! f^""'"" 
nothin-Congris  makes  war  «nHn  ^^''^^^ '»'»"•     ^^'s  jiat 
treaties,  conLms  allgreaTL  "fn  ^•'''^'  has  a  say  in  ull 
regilates  the  army  and  Taw  Z"""'  °^  '^"  ^'"^^''^^^^ 
pendent  States,  an^d  snaVSnf^^th.T^•'T^!"'^• 
nations  of  Europe,  as  much  as  Tl        k    ,^^  °^  *"  ^^^ 
I  am  as  big  as  yoi  ho      uZ!V^'-  ""^  ^.  ^^^  ^   ^  ^''^t 
foot  six  inly  LokVn  feet   IZl"  Z^"^'  )'^^^  ^  ^"^  «'^ 
two  on  you  in  no  time    tL  R^r  u'  ^"^  ^''^  ^^""^^^'e  any 
and  we  can  whip  ttBritish     t^^fW^'ZY'^rf  '^'  ""'^'^l 
sembly  that   folks   maki  =?*  u        *^'^  ^'"^^  ^^°"se  of  As- 
Whyjitadecen   aTandCv   "tT'  ^»?"^what  is  it? 
ments  of  little  money  votes  fo  mid  I  "^^^^  '^^''  P^^^^"^- 
litile  wooden  bridces    to  th.^  ^^^  everlastin  rottin 

yearontheroads,'SdtLn  :ra'.t'^  °"^«  * 

months  and  go  home      S  Si    %  .P^T*"  ^^""^   ""^  three 

talk.  You  LerT^d  Ismail  mff. I ^^Jf  ^'^^^^  ^^^^ 
l>eel  boots,  and  a  high  crowned  hT  ^  u*^'^  "^  ^^^^  ^'g^ 
to  fight  most  any  one  ^o^u^J'ft  °"J^  *^^*  ^^^"'^  'eady 
nch  of  him.    ^       '       ^^^"^  *^**  ^«  ^a«  a  man  every 

^l-'utr  la^gTaTuLle^^^^^^^^  fe  who  swaggered  near 
you  couldn'?  find  hi  .  dit^;„f  UT^^^^  "4  ^'^e  thought 
most  particular  educational  w^^X  •    ^?  "^^  ^on^e 

He  puVme  in  mlnHf  a  1  m'  f  V  ^^""^"^  J^w-breakers. 
location.  The  Se  critter  1/1^- V""^^  '^^^ '"  «"r  wood 
-ell,  he  found  it  too  S?  o^c mck  t^^^^  ""l'"  ^'''  "^^^^^  ' 
and  for  the  life  and  snni  r>r t-  u  '  ""^  J*^  ^'8  *«  ^waller, 
ll'he  didn^t  look  iL  n      ^'"^  ^^  '^^"•^"'t  ^F^  it  out  agin 

Had  a  pond  E  o  LVbaT att  T  ^  ^^'  ^^ 
sizeable  wash  tnh    «»/  •!      *  ^"^"t  the  bigness  of  a  good 

one  of  these       t^  Tt     V  ^^°^^  ^""  «^  ^^^gs-     #eU 
send  for  h?ri ."  T      J^"  '^^  ^'"^  *«  «  sartainty  if  therdon'I 


120 


THE   CLOCKMAKGR. 


I'll  jist  say  to  him,  Speaker,  says  I,  if  any  of  your  folks  in 
ihe  House  go  to  swell  out  like  dropsy,  give  'em  a  hint  in 
lime.     Says  you,  if  you  have  are  a  little  safety  valve  abonl 
you,  let  off  a  little  steam  now  and  then,  or  you'll  go  fo*" 
recollect  the  Clockmaker's  story  of  the  *  Blowin  time.' 


f  I 


CHAPTER  XXIV. 

m 

FATHER  JOHN  O'SHAUGNCSSY. 

To-MOHRow  will  be  Sabbath  day,  said  the  Clockmaker 
I  guess  we'll  bide  where  we  be  till  Monday.     I  like  a  Sab- 
l)ath  in  the  country,  all  natur  seems  at  rest.    There's  a 
<  heerfulness  in   the  day  here,  you   don't  find  in  towns. 
You  have  natur  before  you  here,  and  nothin  but  art  there 
The  deathy  stillness  of  a  town,  and  the  barred  windows 
nnd  shut  shops,  and  empty  streets,  and  great  long  lines  of 
big  brick  buildins,  look  melancholy.     It  seems  as  if  life 
had  ceased  tickeh,  but  there  hadn't  been  time  for  decay  to 
take  hold  on  there;  as  if  day  had  broke,  but  man  slept.     I 
can't  describe  exactly  what  I  mean,  but  I  always  feel  kinder 
gloomy  and  whamblecropt  there. 

Now  in  the  country  it's  jist  what  it  ought  to  be— a  day 
of  rest  for  man  and  beast  from  labor.  When  a  man  rise's 
on  the  Sabbath,  and  looks  out  on  the  sunny  fields  and 
wavm  crops,  his  heart  feels  proper  grateful,  and  he  says, 
come,  this  is  a  splendid  day,  aint  it  ?  let's  get  ready  and 
put  on  our  bettermost  close,  and  go  to  meetin.  His  first 
thought  is  prayerfully  to  render  thanks ;  and  then  when  he 
goes  to  worship  he  meets  all  his  neighbors,  and  he  knows 
them  all,  and  they  are  glad  to  see  each  other,  and  if  any 
two  on  'enrj  han't  gee'd  together  durin  the  week,  why  they 
meet  on  kind  of  neutral  ground,  and  the  minister  or  neigh 
bors  make  peace  atween  them.  But  it  tante  so  in  towns 
You  don't  know  no  one  you  meet  there.  It's  the  worship 
i»f  neighbors,  but  it's  the  worship  of  strangers,  too,  for 


ammmmm 


it  to  be — a  day 


FATHER  JOHW  o'SHAUOHlfRSSY.  I87 

&^^z^:^z^jr  ■""•"  '"'"'■  °"-  V..-.. . 

«on  .his  her«  book  o^„  .hi  •  ^:r'^fnZiy  ?  V™  «!!' 
versy  on  llio  subject  of  Infant  Banti.m?  %-^  .?^ 
rriond,  say  ifa  a  (linohor,  .h^y  ™yWa,  LaUup  f' 

equii"^  rTaVto  ]"„;,;::'' ;^"rr  ■"  '™""^  ^"" 

iu  point  of  temnp/  „„j  .!,•    P^P'''^"  ""*  ""ccplionablo 

it,  said  ihf  Clockmakcr,  it^s-CTear  ^mJ  "°/'"'^'  "" 
""Vjo  »'y  one  that  thWs  ».  1Z  "/ou!"""'  """  ^°"  "^ 

you  mind  t^LTo^  Lake  wLlfr'  ^''  ^"'J'^""'  '""*  *^°^ 
of  dpnfh      T    ™"°'^®  ^^'^e»  well  he's  near  about  at  the  pint 

dead     W.I  Tf ."°''  f  •?  ^'  ^^'  ^  i''«^  hear  tell  he    vas 
ship  in  y  iiffv  L  ri  J  ^V^  ""  ^^^"^'"'  -d  '»«  bout 
got  a  talkin ?bou?  th7      '  ^  ^'u^  ^^^^  ^"'^^  "^^'  '^"^  ^ve 
you^M    Slick?  S^n  77  r^J"'*-     ??y^  ^«'  ^bat  ore 
Wock^n^^ef^^^^^  t      "Pi°  ^^"''-"d  winks,  A 

14  mn-.K        .  ^      \    ^"'  "®  smiled,  and  says  he.  I  spp 
"  nmol,  as  to  say  t  hadn't  ought  to  have  axed  Umt  a„ 


128 


THE   CLOCKMAKF.R. 


I 


fjuostion  at  all,  I  guess,  for  every  man's  religion  is  his  own, 
und  nobody  else's  business.  Then,  snys  he,  you  know  all 
nlwut  this  country — who  (kws  folks  sny  lias  the  boat  of  the 
dispute  1  Says  I,  Father  John,  it's  like  the  buttles  up  to 
Cunadu  lines  lust  war,  each  side  claims  victory  ;  I  guesa 
there  aint  much  to  brag  on  nary  way,  dai.iugo  done  on  both 
■ides.,  and  nothin  gained,  as  liir  us  I  can  learn.  Ho  stopt 
nhort,  ami  looked  mo  in  the  face,  and  says  he,  Mr.  Slick, 
you  are  a  man  that  has  swd  a  good  deal  of  the  world,  and 
u  considerable  of  an  understandin  man,  and  I  guess  I  can 
talk  to  you.  Now,  says  he,  for  gracious  sake  do  jist  look 
here,  and  see  how  you  heretics  (Protestants  I  mean,  says 
he, — for  I  guess  that  ar«  word  slipt  out  without  leave,)  are 
by  the  ears,  a  drivin  away  at  each  other,  the  whole  blessed 
time,  tooth  and  nail,  hij)  and  thigh,  hammer  and  toiigs,  dis- 
putin,  revilin,  wranglin,  and  beloutin  each  other,  with  all 
sorts  of  ugly  names  that  they  can  lay  their  tongues  to.  Is 
that  the  way  you  love  your  neighbor  as  yourself;  We  say 
this  is  a  practical  comment  on  schism,  and  by  the  powers 
of  Moll  Ke'.ly,  said  he,  but  they  all  ought  to  be  well  lam- 
basted together,  the  whole  batch  on  'em  entirely.  Says  I, 
Father  John,  give  me  your  hand  ;  there  are  some  things  I 
gue-s  you  and  I  don't  agree  on,  and  most  likely  never  will, 
sP3in  that  you  are  a  Popish  priest ;  but  in  that  idee  I  do 
opinionate  with  you,  and  I  wish,  with  all  my  heart,  all  the 
Torld  thought  with  us. 

I  guess  he  didn't  half  like  that  are  word  Popish  priest, 
-t  seemed  to  grig  him  like ;  his  face  looked  kinder  ryled, 
>ike  well  water  arter  a  heavy  rain  ;  and  said  he,  Mr. 
Slick,  says  he,  your  country  is  a  free  country,  aint  it? 
The  freest,  says  I,  on  the  face  of  the  airth— you  can't 
ditto'  it  nowhere.  We  are  as  free  as  the  air,  and  when 
f»ur  dander's  up,  stronger  than  any  hurricane  you  ever 
see'd — tear  up  all  creation  most ;  there  aint  the  beat  of  it 
.0  be  found  anywhere.  Do  you  call  this  a  free  country? 
said  he.  Pretty  considerable  middlin,  says  I,  soein  that 
ihey  are  under  a  king.  Well,  says  he,  if  you  were  seen 
:n  Connecticut  a  shakin  hands  along  with  a  Popish  priest, 
as  you  are  pleased  to  call  me,  (and  he  made  me  a  bow,  as 
much  as  to  say,  mind  your  trumps  the  next  deal)  as  you 
now  are  in  the  streets  of  Halifax  along  with  me,  with  all 


FATHER    JOHV   o'siIAUOIIlVESSV.  12ft 

your  cracki.i    nnd  Iwastin  of  yoiir  frnedom,  f  gucsn  vou 
wouldn't  sell  a  clock  agin  in  that  State  hr  one  whi.^, 

^n^r-Tr^    ""  ^i  'T  ST'  "^'^"''"  «"«>  '^""^d  away, 
hathcr  John     snvs  I.-I  can't  stop,  says  he;  I  must  see 

that  poor  critfe/s  family  ;  they  n.L  b^  in  gVeat  tro!.bl' 

and  a  sick  visit  is  afore  controvarsy  in  my  creed.     Well 

says  I.  one  word  with  you  afore  you  ^o;  if  that  are  namo 

I  opish  priest  was  an  on-cntcci  one,  1  ax  your  pardon  •  I 

didn  t  mean  no  oflencc.  1  do  assure  you,  and  I'll  say  this 

for  your  satisfaction,  tu,  you're  the  first  man  in  this  Pro! 

vince  that  ever  gave  me  a  real  right  down  complete  check- 

mare  since  I  first  sot  foot  in  it,  I'lf  he  skinned  if  you  a  nt. 

Yes,  said  Mr.  Slick,  Father  John  was  right;  these  an- 

tugonizing  chaps  ought  to  be  well  quilted,  Ihc  whole  raA 

pi    em.     It  fairly  makes  me  sick  to  see  the  folks,  each  on 

em  a  backin  up  of  their  own  man.     At  it  agin,  says  one 

fair  play,  says  another;  stick  it  into  him,  says  a  third- 

and  that's  your  sort,  says  a  fourth.     Them  are  the  folks 

who  do  mischief.      They  show  such  clear  grS  It  fii  1 

frightens  me.     It  makes  my  hair  stand  right  up  an  eend 

^^^rrT'"  i°  '^''' ""'/'  ^'  "^^■«'-*  '«  "'^  '*«'  I  could 
wntm  agtn  any  one,  and  tf  I  couldn't  I  wouldn^t  write 
at  all,  I  snore.  Our  old  minister,  Mr.  Hopewell,  (a  real 
good  man,  and  a  larned  man  too  that,)  they  sent  to  him 
once  to  write  agin  the  Unitarians  for  they  are^agoin  ahca^ 
hke  statiee  in  New  England,  but  he  refused.^  Said  h^, 
Sam,  says  he,  when  I  first  went  to  Cambridge,  there  was 
a  boxer  and  wrastler  came  there,  and  he  beat  every  one 
wherever  he  went.  Well,  old  Mr.  Possit  was  the  Church 
of  England  parson  at  Charlestown,  at  the  tim,,.  and  a  terr^ 

weasel.     Well,  the  boxer  met  him  one  day.  a  little  way 

s^n  1  T'  V''^'''  °^  ^''  ^^^'^•^  ^^^^^'  °"d  Laid  he.  Par- 
son,  says  he,  they  say  you  are  a  most  plaguy  strong  man 

man  yet  that  was  a  match  for  me;  would  you  have  anv 
objection  jist  to  let  me  be  availed  of  your  strength  here  "n 
a, friendly  way,  by  ourselves,  where  no  soul  3d  L  the 
^viser;  if  you  will  I'll  keep  dark  about  it,  I  swan  Go 
>our  way,  said  the  Parson,  and  tempt  me  not ;  you  are  9 


130 


THE   CLOGKMAKER. 


carnal  minded,  wicked  man,  and  I  take  no  pleasure  in 
such  vain,  idle  sports.  Very  well,  said  the  boxer ;  now 
here  I  stand.,  says  he,  in  the  path,  right  slap  afore  you  • 
if  you  pass  round  me,  then  I  take  it  as  a  sign  that  you  are 
afear'd  on  me,  and  if  you  keep  the  path,  why  then  you 
must  first  put  me  out — that's  a  fact.  The  Parson  jist  made 
a  spring  forrard  and  kitched  him  up  as  quick  as  wink,  and 
throwed  him  right  over  the  fence  whap  on  the  broad  of  his 
back,  and  then  walked  on  as  if  nothin  had  happened — 
as  demure  as  you  please,  and  lookin  as  meek  as  if  but- 
ler wouldn't  melt  in  his  mouth.  Stop,  said  the  boxer,  as 
soon  as  he  picked  himself  up,  stop  Parson,  said  he,  that's 
a  good  man,  and  jist  chuck  over  my  horse  too,  will  you, 
for  I  swan  I  believe  you  could  do  one  near  about  as  easy 
as  tother.  My !  said  he,  if  that  don't  bang  the  b  ish ; 
you  are  another  guess  chap  from  what  I  took  you  to  be, 
any  how. 

Now,  said  Mr.  Hopewell,  says  he,  I  won't  write,  but  if 
are  a  Unitarian  crosses  my  path,  I'll  jist  over  the  fence 
with  him  in  no  time,  as  the  parson  did  the  boxer ;  for 
writin  only  aggravates  your  opponents^  and  never  con- 
vinces them.  I  never  see^d  a  convart  made  by  that  way 
yet;  but  mi  tell  you  what  I  have  see'dy  a  man  set  his 
own  flock  a  doubtin  by  his  own  writin.  You  may  hap- 
pify  your  enemies^  cantankerate  your  opponents,  and  in- 
jure your  own  cnAise  by  it,  but  I  defy  you  to  sarvs  it. 
These  writers,  said  he,  put  me  in  mind  of  that  are  boxer's 
pupils.  He  would  sometimes  set  two  on  'em  to  spar ;  well, 
they'd  put  on  their  gloves,  and  begin,  larfin  and  jokin, 
all  in  good  humour.  Presently  one  on  'em  would  put  in  a 
pretty  hard  blow ;  well,  tother  would  return  it  in  aimest. 
Oh,  says  the  other,  if  that's  your  play,  off  gloves  and  at  it ; 
and  sure  enough,  away  would  fly  their  gloves,  and  at  it 
they'd  go  tooth  and  nail. 

No,  Sam,  the  misfortin  is,  we  are  all  apt  to  think 
Scriptur  intended  for  our  neighbors,  and  not  for  ourselves. 
The  poor  all  think  it  made  for  the  rich.  Look  at  that  are 
Dives,  they  say,  what  an  all  fired  scrape  he  got  into  by 
his  avarice,  with  Lazarus ;  and  aint  it  writ  as  plain  as 
any  thing,  that  them  folks  will  find  it  as  easy  to  go  to 
heaven,  as  for  a  camel  to  go  through  the  eye  of  a  neecll(;. 


afeure  in 


FATHER    JOHN    o'SHAUGXESSY.  Jftl 

Well,  then  the  rich  think  it  all  made  for  the  poor-thai 
theysharnt  steal  nor  bear  false  witness,  but  shall  be  obe 
d.ent  to  them  that's  in  authority.     And  as  for  them  are 
Llnitanans    and  he  always  got   his  dander  up  wh^n  ho 
spoke  of  them,  why  there's  no  doin  nothin  with  them 
says  he.     When  they  get  fairly  stumped,  and  you   nr^ 
duce  a  text  that  they  can't  get  over,  nor  get  round,  why 
hey  say  it  tante  n  our  version  at  all-that's  an  inte  nola^ 
.on,  It's  an  invention  of  them  are  everlastin  monks* 
here's  nothm  left  for  you  to  do  with  them,  but  tTsarve 
them  as  Parson  Possit  detailed  the  boxer-lay  right  hdd 
of  em  and  chuck  'em  over  the  fence,  even  if  thfy  were 
as  big  as  all  out  doors.     That's  what  our  folks  oughTto 
have  done  with  'em  at  first,  pitched  'em  clean  out  of  the 
sto  e,  and  let  'em  go  down  to  Nova  Scotia,  or  some  such 

counTrytta'ir'  '"  '^'^  ""^  ^^  ''  ''''  ^"  ««  Ch"«"a" 

r^ifw"  y"""  '"^^  ^"^  ""^^^  convarts;  the  true  way  is  to 
mn   em.     You  may  stop  a  man's  mouth,  Sam,  says  he 

vmce  h  m.  Its  a  fine  thing  to  write  a  book  all  covered 
over  with  Latm,  and  Greek,  and  Hebrew,  like  a  bridle 
Innw  ^^?.^f"^^^"  ^P^ngled  with  brass  nails,   but  who 

thoulVd  I'f'I  had  "^'^  ?-^™^l  ^^y  "«^  «-  -'- 
nousand.     Jf  I  had  my  religion  to  choose,  and  warn't  able 

to  judge  for  myself,  I'll  tell  you  what  I'd  do:  I'd^?s    ask 

mysel    t.Ao  leads  the  best  lives?    Now,  says  hi   Sam 

I  won't  say  who  do,  because  it  would  lo<^k  ifke  vanityTo 

you  who  don  t.     It  atnt  them  that  makes  the  greatest  pro. 
femons  always ;  nnd  mind  what  I  tell  youfsamTwCn 

bcotia,  and  them  wild  provinces,  keep  a  briffht  look  out  on 

rrC"'  "?"^''-^T  «  '^"^/«^^  is  plHg'y  apt  to 
over  a  long  consctence-^th&Va  a  fact.  »-   fe  ^  "F' '" 


132 


THE   CLOCKMAKER. 


CHAPTER  XXV. 


TAMING  A  SHREW. 


The  road  from  Amherst  to  Parrsboro'  is  tedious  ano 
uninteresting.     In  places  it  is  made  so  straight,  that  yon 
can  see  several  miles  of  it  before  you,  which  produces  an 
appearance  of  interminable  length,  while  the  stunted  growrh 
of  the  spruce  and  birch  trees  bespeaks  a  cold,  thin  soil, 
and  invests  the  scene  with  a  melancholy  and  sterile  aspect. 
Here  and  there  occurs  a  little  valley,  with  its  meandering 
stream,  and  verdant  and   fertile  intervale,  which  though 
possessing  nothing   peculiar  to  distinguish  it  from   many 
others  of  the  same  kind,  strikes  the  traveller  as  sujierior  to 
ihem  all,  from  the  contrast  to  the  surrounding  country. 
One  of  these  secluded  spots  attracted  my  attention,  from 
the  number  and  neatness  of  the  buildings  which  its  pro- 
prietor, a  tanner  and  currier,  had  erected  for  the  purposes 
of  his  trade.     Mr.  Slick  said,  he  knew  him,  and  he  guessed 
it  was  a  pity  he  couldn't  keep  his  wife  in  as  good  order  as 
he  did  his  factory.     They  don't  hitch  their  horses  together 
well  at  all.     He   is   properly  henpecked,  said   he;    he  is 
afeerd  to  call  his  soul  his  own,  and  he  leads  the  life  of  a 
dog ;  you  never  seed  the  beat  of  it,  I  vow.     Did  you  ever 
see  a  rooster  hatch  a  brood  of  chickens  ?  No,  said  I,  not 
that  I  can  recollect.     Well,  then  I  have,  said  he,  and  if  ho 
don't  look  like  a  fool  all  the  time  he  is  settin  on  the  eggs, 
its  a  pity ;  no  soul  could  help  larfin  to  see  him.    Our  old 
nigger,  January  Snow,  had  a  spite  agin  one  of  father's 
roosters,  seein  that  he  was  a  coward,  and  wouldn't  fight. 
He  used  to  call  him  Dearborne,  arter  our  General   that 
behaved  so  ugly  to  Canada :  and  says  he  one  day,  I  guess 
you  are  no  better  than  a  hen,  you  everlasting  old  chifkcn. 
hearted  villain,  and  I'll  make  you  a  larfin  stock  to  all  tlin 
poultry.     I'll  put  a   trick  on  you  you'll  bear  in  mind  all 
your  born  days.     So  he  catches  old  Dearborno,  and  pulls 
all  tiie  feotheis  olV  his  breust,  and  strips  him  as  naked  a^ 
when  ho  vas  uorn,  from  his  throat  clean  down  to  his  t<"l, 


TAMIIVO    A    SHREW. 


13.') 


and  then  akes  a  bundle  of  nettles  and  gins  hi.n  a  proper 
6W.tchm  that  stun,  him,  and  m.de  him  smart  likeT^d 
jhen  he  warms  some  eggs  and  puts  them  in  a  nest,  and  sets 
Ihe  old  cock  nght  a  top  of  'em.  Well,  the  warm  h  of  the 
eggs  felt  good  to  the  poor  critter's  naked  belly,  and  llde? 
kept  the  itchni  of  the  nettles  down,  and  he  was  glad  to  bide 
where  he  was  and  whenever  he  was  tired  and  got  off  his 

and  when  his  feathers  began  to  grow,  and  he  got  obstrop 
^"rn  dX"'t:  ''?^'f  '''''  '^^  "^«'-'  ^hS  made  hi 
Tt"  detd  2ompll'"^  '"^^""-  ^"  ^  '''''■  ^^-  '^  '-»' 
Now,  this  John  Porter,  (and  there  he  is  on  the  bridge  I 
vow,  I  never  seed  the  beat  o'  that,  speak  of  old  Saytin  and 
hes  sure  to  appear;)  well,  he's.jist  like  old  Dearborne^onlv 
fit  to  hatch  eggs.  When  he  came  to  the  brid'xe,  Mr!  SUck 
stopped  his  horse,  to  shake  hands  with  Portfr  wl^m  he 
recognized  as  an  old  acquaintunce  and  customj  .     H^  en! 

or  hi'  and'enr^'  h''"  'f  ^"',  '^"^"^^^led  from  the  Stat  . 
or  Him,  and  enlarged  on  the  value  of  such  a  machine  and 

Ind  nroZbr  °^- 1  ^-"^--»  -'-  i-ented  such  u'setul 
and  profitable  articles ,  and  was  recommending  a  new  oro- 
cess  ol  tanning,  when  a  female  voice  from  thS  hou.^  was 

Si„rmrd'"^^' '"!'".  I^orter,come  here  this ^nuT:.' 
^om  ng,  my  dear,'  said  the  husband.     '  Come  here   I  «.av 

S'^'ThJoIr  r  ,^^-,^,^^'^'"^'  ^o  ^^-^  yalr;  villi' 

inere  !     Ihe  poor  husband  hung  his  head,  looked  silly  and 

d  ot?on"ir'sii\''  '^Tl'  '^'°^'>'  ^°  ^'-  houl""!;  t 

whatV^^g'ii^f-  ®i?t^"'*''  '^^'r'  "^«-I  did  that.     Did 
him  J  A       |\T^aV^*^«  me  that  sent  him  back,  I  called 

sinceTtastn^^^'f  •     ^  ^^1  ^^^^  ^'"^   bestowment  ever 

since  1  was  knee  high  or  so ;  I'm  a  rael  complete  hand  at 

VentrHoquism  ;  I  can  take  off  any  man's  voiced  ever  heard 

0  the  very  nines.     If  there  was  a  law  agin  forg^  that,  as 

long  ago.     I  ve  had  high  goes  with  it  many  a  time,  but  its 

^T/JTtTr^r'i  'r  ^'"^'''^  '^  -wbut  seWom 
1  had  a  real  bout  with  that  are  citizen's  wife  once  and 

St^  br-keherm  for  him:  she  went  as  gentle  as  a 

an,  .L'     '  u'/  'P^""'  ^"^  ''^'  ^''  her  have  her  head  agin 
and  she  s  as  bad  as  ever  now=     VU  tell  you  how  i  was!^ 


134 


THE   CLOCKMAKER. 


ij,lt 


r' 


1  was  down  to  the  Island  a  sellin  clocks,  and  who  shoiild 
I  meet  but  John  Porter ;  well,  I  traded  with  him  for  one 
part  cash,  part  truck,  and  produce,  and  also  put  off  on  him 
that  are  bark  mill  you  heerd  me  axin  about,  and  it  was 
pretty  considerable  on  in  the  evenin  afore  we  finished  our 
trade-     I  came  home  along  with  him,  and  had  the  clock  in 
tlie  waggon  to  fix  it  up  for  him,  and  to  show  him  how  to 
regilate  it.     Well,  as  we  neared  the  house,  he  begun  to  fret 
and  take  on  dreadful  oneasy  ;  says  he,  I  hope  Jane  wont  bo 
abed,  cause  if  she  is  she'll  act  ugly,  I  do  suppose.     I  had 
heerd  tell  of  her  afore ;  how  she  used  to  carry  a  stiff  upper 
lip,   and  make   him  and  the   broomstick  well   acquainted 
together ;  and,  says  I,  why  do  you  put  up  with  her  tan- 
trums, I'd  make  a  fair  division  of  the  house  with  her,  if  it 
was  me,  I'd  take  the  inside  and  allocate  her  the  outside  of  it 
pretty  quick,  that's  a  fact.     Well,  when  we  came  to  the 
house,  there  was  no  light  in  it,  and  the  poor  critter  looked 
so  streaked  and  down  in  the  mouth,  I  felt  proper  sorry  for 
him.     When  he  rapped  at  the  door,  she  called  out.  Who's 
there  ?  It's  me,  dear,  says  Porter.   You,  is  it,  said  she,  then 
you  may  stay  where  you  be,  them  as  gave  you  your  supper, 
may   give  you  your  bed,  instead  of  sendin  you  sneakin 
home  at  night  like  a  thief.     Said  I,  in  a  whisper,  says  I, 
Leave  her  to  me,  John  Porter — ^^jist  take  the  horses  up  to 
the  barn,  and  see  arter  them,  and  I'll  manage  her  for  you, 
I'll  make  her  as  sweet  as  sugary  candy,  never  fear.     The 
barn  you  see  is  a  good  piece  off  the  eastward  of  the  house  ; 
and  as  soon  as  he  was  cleverly  out  of  hearin,  says  I,  a 
imitatin  of  his  voice  to  the  life.  Do  let  me  in,  Jane,  savs  I, 
that's  a  dear  critter,  I've  brought  you  homo  some  things 
you'll  like,  I  know.  Well,  she  was  an  awful  jealous  critter ; 
says  she,  Take  em  to  her  you  spent  the  evenin  with,  I  don't 
want  you  nor  your  presents  neither.     Arter  a  good  deal  of 
coaxin  I  stood  on  the  tother  tack,  and  began  to  threaten  to 
break  the  door  down ;  says  I,  You  old  unhansum  lookin 
sinner,  you  vinerger  cruet  you,  open  the  door  this  minit  or 
I'll  smash  it  right  in.     That  grigged  her  properly,  it  made 
her  very  wrathy  (for  nothin  sets  up  a  woman's  spunk  like 
callin  her  ugly,  she  gets  her  back  right  up  like  a  cat  when 
a  strange  iog  comes  near  her ;  she's  all  eyes,  claws  and 
bristles). 


TAMING   A   SHREW. 


135 


I  hoerd  her  bounce  right  out  of  bed,  and  she  came  to  the 
door  as  she  was  ondressed,  andonbolted  it;  and  as  I  en! 
ZZ'  '^l^^'^^'^^.^l^^^  right  across  my  cheek  whh 
the  flat  of  her  hand,  that  made  it  tingle  agin,     vl  teach 

fvhnt  it  '',''TV^\^^y-  «he,  you  Varmint.  It  wal'ist 
what  I  wanted;  I  pushed  the  door  tu  with  my  foot  a  ,d 
seizm  her  by  the  arm  with  one  hand,  I  quilted  h^er  wkh  e 
horsewhip  real  handsum  with  the  other.  At  frst  s  . 
roared  hke  mad;  I'll  give  you  the  ten  commandln 
says  she  (meanmg  her  ten  claws),  I'll  pay  you  for  thiT  you 
cowardly  vil  am,  to  strike  a  woman.'  How  dare  you  Urt 
your  hand,  John  Porter,  to  your  lawful  wife,  and  Ton 
all  the  t.me  runnm  round  and  round,  like  a  colt  thatW 

i^e  ^Tahlf ''Ar  ^?"  ,'''  --"'^-kin,  and  plu::in 
like  statiee.      fJion    she   began    to   give   in.     Says    she 
I   beg  pardon,   on  my  knees   I   bee  pardon— don'r  m  ? 
der  me,  for  Pleaven's  sake-don't  defr'/ohn,  don't  muX 
your  poor  wife,  that's  a  dear,  I'll  do  as  you  bid  me,Tnro- 
mise  to  behave  well,  upon  my  honour  I  do-oh !  delr  John 
do  forgive  ne,  do  dear.    When  I  had  her  properly  brought' 
too,  for  havin  nothin  on  but  a  thin  under  4mLteverv 
crack  of  the  whip  told  like  a  notch  on  a  bake'r'sTanv  -says 
I,  take  that  as  a  taste  of  what  you'll  catch'when  you  a^et 
that  way  hke  old  Scratch.     Now  go  and  dress  yourself 
and  get  supper  for  me  and  a  stranger  I  have  brou  Jht Tome' 
along  with  me,  and  be  quick,  fo?  I  vow  I'll  be  muster^n 

halt  whine,  half  yelp ;  dear,  dear,  savs  she,  if  I  aint  al 
covered  over  with  welts  as  big  as' m/ finger      do  b^l Lv" 

?u..?'l-!S''r '  ^"^  '^"  ^^^^^^•^  "g^t  out  like  anyTh  rg! 
I  guess,  said  I    you've  got  'em  whe?e  folks  wont  see  'em 

^^tZ;:^  '  r''"^  y°"  won't  be  over  forr'd  to  show' 
.luTlt  von !.  •  ^  ^^'  ^"*  ^°"'^'  «^y«  J'  ^«  ^  stirrin,  or  I'll 
|u  It  you  agm  as  sure  as  you're  alive-I'll  tan  your  hide 

leife^  ;;uf '"   ™'^   ^'P'"^'   y°"   °^^   ""g«i«'y  ^-"^Pered 

mnl''''"  I'^T  ^°  *^.^  ^^'■"'  ««y«  ^'  J°»i»  Porter,  your  wife 
r/f^^^  "'^'  ^'^^  «"«  ravin  distracted  mad,  when 
opened  the  door,  thinking  it  was  you  ;  and  I  was  oblfged  to 
give  her  a  crack  or  two  of  the  cowskin  to  get  clear  of  her 
U  has  effectuated  a  cure  completely:  now  Toller  it  .ir    and 


I  k  I 


if 


;i  i 


ill 


136 


THK  CLOCh»iAKER. 


don't  let  on  for  your  life  it  warn't   you  that  did  it,  and 
you'll  be  master  once  more  in  your  own  house.     She's  all 
docity  jist  now,  keep  her  so.     As  wo  returned  we  saw  o 
light  in  the  keepin  room,  the  fire  was  blazin  up  chcerrul- 
some,  and  Marm  Porter  moved  about  as  brisk  as  a  parchert 
pea,  though  as  silent  as  dumb,  and  our  supper  was  ready 
in  no  time.     As  soon  as  she  took  her  seat  and  sot  down, 
she  spr'--^  'Igbt  i:p  on  eend,  as  if  she  sot  on  a  pan  of  hot 
coals,  >  \-:         ured  all  over ;  and  then  tears  started  in  her 
eves.     '1\     ivs  I  to  myself,  I  calculate  I  wrote   that  are 
lesson  in  large  letters  any  how,  1  read  that  writin  without 
spellin,  and  no  mistake;!  guess  you've  got  pretty  well 
warmed  thereabouts  this  hitch,      rhen  she  tried  it  again, 
first  she  sot  on  one  leg,  then  on  the  tothcr,  quite  oneasy 
and  then  right  atwixt  both,  a  ftdgettin  about  dreadfully, 
like  a  man  that's  rode  all  day  on  a  bad  saddle,  and  lost  a 
little  leather  on  the  way.     If  you  had  seed  how  she  stare« 
at  Porter,  it  would  have  made  you  snicker.     She  could'n* 
credit  her  eyes.     He  warn't  drunk,  and  he  warn't  crazy 
but  there  he  sot  as  peeked  and  as  meechin  as  you  please 
She  seemed  all  struck  up  of  a  heap  at  his  rebellion.     The 
next  day  when  I  was  about  startin,  I  advised  him  to  act 
like  a  man,  and  keep  the  weather  gage  now  he  had  it,  and 
all  would  be  well ;  but  the  poor  critter  only  held  on  a  day 
or  two,  she  soon  got  the  upper  hand  of  him,  and  made  him 
confess  all,  and  by  all  accounts  he  leads  a  worse  life  now 
than  ever.     1  put  that  are  trick  on  him  jist  to  try  him,  and 
1  sec  its  gone  goose  with  him ;  the  jig  is  up  with  him,  she'll 
soon  call  him  with  a  w^histle  like  a  dog.     I  often  think  of 
the  hornpipe  she  danced  there  in  the  dark  along  with  me  to 
the  music  of  my  whip — she  touched  it  off  in  great  style, 
that's  a  fact.     1  shall  mind  that  go  one  while,  I  promise 
you.     It  was  actilly  equal  to  a  play  at  old  Bowry.     You 
may  depend.  Squire,  the  only  way  to  tame  a  shrew  is  b/ 
the  cowskin.     Grandfather  Slick  was  raised  all  along  the 
coast  of  Kent  in  old  England,  and  he  used  to  say  there  was 
nn  old   saying  there,  which,  I  expect,  is  not  far  off  the 
mark; 

'  A  womnn,  a  don;,  and  a  walnut  tree, 
The  more  yoa  lick  'ein  tlje  better  they  be.* 


THE   MIMSTEr's    HORN    MUO 


137 


CHAPTER  XXVI. 

THE  MINISTER'S  HORN  MUG. 

This  country,  said  Mr.  Slick,  abounds  in  superior  mill 
privileges,  and  one  would  naterally  calculate  that  such  a 
ight  of  water  power  would  have  led  to  a  knowledge  of 
machinery.     I  guess  if  a  blue-nose  was  to  go  to  one  of  our 
free  and  enlightened  citizens,  and  tell  him  Nova  Scotia  wa-, 
intersected  with  rivers  and  brooks  in  all  directions,  and 
nearly  one  quarter  of  it  covered  with  water,  he'd  say,  well 
I'll  start  right  off  and  see  it,  I  vow,  for  I  guess  I'll  larn 
somethm.     I  allot  I'll  get  another  wrinkle  away  down  east 
there.     With  such  splendid  chances  for  experimentin,  what 
first-chop  mills  they  must  have,  to  a  sartainty.     I'll  see 
such  new  combinations,  and  such  new  applications  of  the 
force  of  water  to  motion,  that  I'll  make  my  fortin,  for  wo 
can  improve  on  any  thing  amost.     Well,  he'd  find  his  mis- 
take  out,  I  guess,  as  I  did  once,  when  I  took  passage  in  the 
night  at  New  York  for  Providence,  and  found  myself  the 
next  mornm  clean  out  to  sea,  steerin  away  for  Cape  Hatte- 
ras,  m  the  Charleston  steamer.     He'd  find  he'd  gone  to  the 
wrong  place,  I  reckon ;  there  aint  a  mill  of  any  kind  in  the 
province  fit  to  be  seen.     If  we  had  'em,  we'd  sarve  'em  as 
we  do   the   gamblin   houses   down   south,   pull  'em  right 
down,  there  wouldn't  be  one  on  'em  left  in  eight  and  forty 
hours.  ■' 

Some  d  nestic  factories  tJiev  ought  to  have  here :  it's  an 
essential  part  of  the  social  system.  Now  we've  run  to  the 
other  extreme,  its  got  to  be  too  big  an  interest  with  us,  and 
aint  suited  to  the  political  institutions  of  our  great  country. 
Natur  designed  us  for  an  agricultural  people,  and  our 
government  was  predicated  on  the  si-jvposition  that  we 
would  be  so.  Mr.  Hopewell  was  of  the  same  opinion. 
He  was  a  great  hand  at  gardenin,  orchardin,  farmin,  and 
what  not.  One  evenin  I  was  up  to  his  house,  and  says  he, 
bam,  what  do  you  say  to  a  bottle  of  my  old  genuine  cider, 
r   Jss  I  got  some  that  will  take  the  shine  off  your  tathei'f 


iUi 


138  TIIK    CriOCKMAhHR. 

ny  n  lon^  r]v\\V,  much  as  \ho.  old  gnillnmnn  hrngs  of  hWn 
~l  ii(!V«!f  liriii^  it  out  iifuro  liiui.  lie;  thinks  ho  has  tho 
brst  in  n!l  ( ^oiim'cticut.  It's  nn  iiiiioccnt  ninhition  that ;  aiul 
Kam,  it  would  i)o  hut  a  poor  thing  for  me  to  gratily  my 
pridr,  at  Ihc;  o.xpnisci  ol"  humhiin  his'n.  So  I  iiovcr  lots  on 
that  I  have  any  lK'tt<!r,  but  luu^p  dark  about  this  superfino 
particular  article  of  mino,  (or  I'd  as  lives  hoM  think  so  as 
not.  Ho  was  a  rral  primi/ri?c  good  man  was  minister, 
got  some,  said  In*,  that  wa.s  l)ottl(;d  that  very  year  that  glo- 
rioua  action  was  fought  atwcon  tho  Constitution  and  the 
(tuerrierc.  Porhaps  tho  whole  world  couldn't  show  such 
a  brilliant  whippin  as  that  was.  h  was  a  splendid  deed, 
•hat's  a  fact.  The  British  can  whip  tho  whole  airth,  and 
•vo  can  whip  tho  l^ritish.  It  was  a  bright  promise  for  our 
young  eagle,  a  nol)le  bird  that,  too ;  great  strength,  great 
courage,  and  surpassing  sagacity. 

Well,  ho  went  down  to  tho  cellar,  and  brought  up  a  hot- 
tie,  with  a  stick  tied  to  its  neck,  and  day  and  date  to  it, 
like  the  lye-bills  on  tho  trees  in  Squire  Ilendrick's  garden. 
I  like  to  SCO  them  arc  cobwebs,  says  he,  as  ho  brushed 
'em  off,  they  are  like  grey  hairs  in  an  old  man's  head, 
they  indicate  venerable  old  age.  As  he  uncorked  it,  says 
ho,  I  guess,  Sam,  this  will  warm  your  gizzard,  my  boy ;  I 
guess  our  great  nation  may  be  stumped  to  produce  more 
eleganter  liquor  than  this  here.  It's  the  dandy,  that's  a 
fact.  That,  said  he,  a  smackin  his  lips,  and  lookin  at  its 
sparklin  top,  and  layin  back  his  head,  and  tippin  off  a  horn 
mug  brim  full  of  it — that  said  he — and  his  eyes  twinkled 
agin,  for  it  was  plaguy  strong — that  is  the  produce  of  my 
own  orchard.  Well,  I  said,  minister,  says  I,  I  never  see 
vou  n  swiggin  it  out  of  that  are  horn  mug,  that  1  don't 
think  of  one  of  your  texts.  What's  that,  Sam?  says  he 
— for  you  always  had  a  most  a  special  memory  when  you 
was  a  boy  ;  why,  says  t,  ♦  that  the  horn  of  the  righteous 
man  shall  be  exalted,'  I  guess  that's  what  they  mean  by 
cxalten  the  horn,'  aint  it?  Lord,  if  ever  you  was  to  Now 
Orleens,  and  seed  a  black  thunder  cloud  rise  right  up  and 
'\)ver  the  whole  sky  in  a  minit,  you'd  a  thought  of  it  if  you 
had  seed  his  face.  It  looked  as  dark  as  Kgypt.  For  shame, 
nays  he,  Sam,  that's  ondecent;  and  let  mo  tell  you  that  a 
man  that  jokes  on  such  subjects,  shows  both  a  luck  of  wit 


niK  mimster'h  iionv  mub. 


lan 


and  srnsn  ioo.     I  liko  mirfli,  you  know  I  do,  Tor  it's  only 
the  I'lmrisccH  Jind  hypocrites  llmt  wear  loiiir  fuccs,  but  ihon 
inirfh  must   l»n  iiinocont   to  please  nie ;  und  when  I  s(>e  a 
man  miiico  morry  with  serious  things,  I  set  him  down  as  a 
lost  sho<!p.     That  comes  of  your  speculation  to  Lowell; 
and,  I  vow,  them  faetorin  towns  will  corrupt  our  youth  of 
lM)th  sexes,  and  become  hotbeds  of  iniquity.     Evifconmiu 
nicafions  endan)ni(y  good  manners,  as  sure  as  rates;  one 
scabby  sheep  will  infect  a  whole  /lock— vice  is  as  catchin 
.ts  that  nasty  disease  the  Scotch  have,  its  got  by  shakin 
hands,  and  both  ccnd  in  the  same  way — in  brimstone.     1 
approbate  domestic  factories,  but  nothin  further  for  us.     ll 
don't  suit  us  or  our  institutions.     A  republic  is  only  calcu- 
lated  for  an   enlightened  and  vartuous  people,  and  ibiks 
chiefly  in  the  farmin  line.  That  is  an  innocent  and  a  happy 
vocation.     Agriculture  was  ordained  by  IJim  as  made  us, 
for  our  chief  occupation. 

Thinks  I,  here's  a  pretty  how  do  you  do;  I'm  in  foi 
It  now,  that's  a  fact ;  he'll  jist  fall  to  and  read  a  regular 
sarmon,  and  he  knows  so  many  by  heart  he'll  never  stop 
It  would  take  a  Philadelphia  lawyer  to  answer  him.  So, 
says  I,  Minister,  I  ax  youf  pardon,  I  feel  very  ugly  at  havin 
given  you  offence,  but  I  didn't  mean  it,  I  do  assure  you. 
It  jist  popt  out  unexpectedly,  like  a  cork  out  of  one  of  them 
are  cider  bottles.  I'll  do  my  possibles  that  the  like  don't 
happen  agm,  you  may  depend ;  so  'spose  we  drink  a  glass 
to  our  reconciliation.  That  I  will,  said  he,  and  we  will 
have  another  bottle  too,  but  I  must  put  a  little  water  into 
my  glass,  (and  he  dwelt  on  that  word,  and  looked  at  me 
quite  feelin,  as  much  as  to  say,  don't  for  goodness  sake 
make- use  of  that  are  word  horn  agin,  for  its  a  joke  I  don't 
like,)  for  my  head  hante  quite  the  strength  my  cider  has. 
laste  this,  Sam,  said  he,  (opcnin  of  another  bottle,)  its  of 
the  same  age  as  the  last,  but  made  of  diflhrent  apples,  and 
I  am  fairly  stumped  sometimes  to  say  which  is  best. 

rhese  are  the  pleasures,  says  he,  of  a  country  life.  A 
man  s  own  labor  provides  him  with  food,  and  an  appetite  \o 
snjoy  It.  Let  him  look  which  way  he  will,  and  he  sees  the 
goodness  an  J  bounty  of  his  (^rcator,  in  his  wisdom,  his 
power,  and  his  majesty.  There  never  was  anvthin-r  so 
tine,  as  that  arc  old  sayin,  *  man  made  the  town,  bntl:iod 


jiO  THE   CLOCKMAKKR. 

made  the  country,'  and  both  bespeak  their  diifereiit  archi- 
tects in  terms  too  plain  to  bo  misunderstood.  The  one  ia 
filled  with  virtue  and  the  other  with  vice.  One  is  the  abode 
of  plenty,  and  the  other  of  want ;  one  is  a  ware-duck  of 
nice  pure  water — and  tother  one  a  cess-pool.  Our  towns 
are  gcttin  so  commercial  and  factoring,  that  they  will  scon 
generate  mobs,  Sam,  (how  true  that  arc  has  turned  out, 
haint  it?  He  could  see  near  about  as  far  into  a  mill-stono 
as  them  that  picks  the  hole  into  it,)  and  mobs  will  introduce 
disobedience  and  defiance  to  laws,  and  that  must  eend  in 
anarchy  and  bloodshed.  No,  said  the  old  man,  raising  his 
voice,  and  giving  the  table  a  wipe  with  his  fist  that  made 
the  glasses  all  jiugie  agin,  give  me  the  country  ;  that  coun- 
try to  which  he  that  made  it  said,  "  Bring  forth  grass,  the 
hv'jrb  yieldin  seed,  and  the  tree  yicldin  fruit,"  and  who  saw 
it  that  it  was  good.  Let  me  jlne  with  the  feathered  tribe 
in  the  mornin,  (I  hope  you  get  up  airly  now,  Sam ;  when 
you  was  a  boy  there  was  no  gittin  you  out  of  bed  at  no 
rate,)  and  at  sun-set,  in  the  hymns  which  they  utter  in  full 
tide  of  song  to  their  Creator.  Let  me  pour  out  the  thank- 
fulness of  my  heart  to  the  Giver  of  all  good  things,  for  the 
numerous  blessings  I  enjoy,  and  intreat  him  to  bless  my  in- 
crease, that  I  may  have  wherewithal  to  relieve  the  wants 
)f  others,  as  he  prevents  and  relieves  mine.     No  !  give  me 

the  country.    Its Minister  was  jist  like  a  horse 

that  has  the  spavin ;  he  sot  off  considerable  stiff  at  first, 
but  when  he  once  got  under  way,  he  got  on  like  a  house  a 
fire.     He  went  like  the  wind  full  split. 

He  was  jus  beginnin  to  warm  on  the  subject,  and  I  knew 
if  he  did,  what  wonderful  bottom  he  had;  how  he  would 
hang  on  for  ever  amost ;  so  says  I,  I  think  so  too  minister, 
I  lik'e  the  country,  I  always  sleep  better  there  than  in  towns ; 
it  tante  so  plaguy  hot,  nor  so  noisy  neither,  and  then  it's  a 
pleasant  thing  to  set  out  on  the  stoop  and  smoke  in  the  cool, 
aint  it  ?  I  think,  says  I,  too.  Minister,  that  are  uncommon 
Imndsum  cider  of  yourn  desarves  a  pipe,  what  do  you  think? 
Well,  says  he,  I  think  myself  a  pipe  wouldn't  be  amiss,  and 
1  got  some  rael  good  Varginy,  as  you  een  amost  ever  seed,  a 
present  from  Rowland  Randolph,  an  old  college  chum  ;  and 
none  the  worse  to  my  palate,  Sam,  fop-bringin  by-gon« 
recollections  with  it.     Ph<ebe,  my  dear,  said  he,  to  his  dai 


^ 


TiiK  mimstkk's  horn  muo. 


Ml 


tor,  brill ^  llio  piprs  and  tobacco.  As  soon  ns  tbc  old  gcii« 
ticmnn  liiirly  got  a  pipe  in  bis  rnoutb,  I  give  rbojbo  n  wnik, 
as  niiicb  as  to  say,  wariit  tbat  well  done.  Tlmt's  wbat  I 
cull  a  most  pai'ticiilai*  baiidsum  fix.  lie  can  talk  now 
(and  that  /  do  like  to  bear  iiim  do,)  but  be  can't  nuiko  a 
speech,  or  preach  a  sannon,  and  tbat  /  dori't  like  to  bear 
iiini  do,  except  on  Sabbatb  day,  or  up  to  Town  Hall,  o 
oration  times. 

Minister  was  an  imcommon  pleasant  man,  (for  fbcr 
was  nothin  Aniost  bo  didn't  know,)  oxc(?pt  when  ho  got  bis 
dander  up,  and  then   be  did  spin  out  bis  yarns  for  ever- 
lastinly. 

But  I'm  of  his  opinion.  If  the  folks  here  want  their 
country  to  go  wi head,  they  must  honour  the  plough,  and 
(leneral  Campbell  ought  to  hammer  that  are  into  their  nod- 
flics,  full  chisel,  as  bard  ns  lie  can  drive.  I  could  larn 
bun  somcthin,  1  guess,  about  hammerin  he  aim  up  to.  It 
tante  every  one  that  knows  how  to  beat  a  thing  into  a 
man's  bead.  How  coiild  I  have  sold  so  many  thousand 
clocks,'if  I  hadn't  had  that  nack.  Why,  I  wouldn't  have 
sold  half  a  dozen,  you  may  depend. 

Agriculture  is  not  only  neglected  but  degraded  licre. 
What  n  number  of  young  folks  there  se.jm  to  be  in  these 
parts,  a  ridin  about,  titivated  out  real  jam,  in  their  goto- 
nieetin  clothes,  a  doin  nothin.  It's  melancholy  to  think  on 
it.  That's  the  eticct  of  the  last  war.  The  idleness  and 
extravaga  ice  of  those  times  took  root,  and  bore  fruit  abun- 
dantly, and  now  the  young  people  are  above  their  business. 
They  are  too  high  in  the  instep,  that's  a  fact. 

Old  Drivvle,  down  here  to  Maccan,  said  to  me  one  day, 
For  gracious  sake,  says  he,  Mr.  Slick,  do  tell  me  what  I 
shall  do  with  Johnny.  His  mother  sets  great  store  by 
him,  and  thinks  he's  the  makins  of  a  considerable  smart 
man — he's  growin  up  fast  now,  and  I  am  pretty  well  to 
do  in  the  world,  ami  reasonable  forehanded,  but  I  dont 
know  what  the  dogs  to  put  him  to.  The  Lawyers  are 
like  spiders,  they've  cat  up  all  the  flies,  and  I  guess  they'll 
have  to  eat  each  other  soon,  for  there's  more  on  'ern  than 
causes  now  every  coin-t.  The  Doctors'  trade  is  a  poor 
one,  too,  they  don't  g« .  barely  cash. enough  to  pay  for 
their  medicines;   I  nevf?r  seed  a  country  practitioner  yet 


142 


THE   OLOCKMAKER. 


f 


in    'H 


that  mmJo  any  tliinj^  worth  spfakin  of.  Then,  as  for 
preachin,  why  cluiroh  and  dissenters  aro  pretty  much 
tarred  with  the  sanio  stick,  tlioy  live  in  the  same  pastur 
with  their  flocks ;  and,  between  'em,  it's  fed  down  pretty 
close  I  tell  you.  What  would  you  advise  mo  to  do  with 
him  ]  Well,  says  I,  I'll  tell  you  if  you  won't  bo  miffv 
with  me.  Milfy  with  you  indeed,  said  he,  1  guess 
I'll  be  very  much  obliged  to  you ;  it  tante  every  day  one 
gets  a  chatice  to  consult  with  a  person  of  your  expericncto 
— I  count  it  quite  a  privilege  to  have  the  ojwnion  of  such 
an  understandin  man  as  you  be.  Well,  says  I,  take  a 
stick  and  give  him  a  rael  good  quiltin,^jist  tantuno  him 
like  blazes,  and  set  him  to  work. — WhaLd«eS  the  critter 
want  1  you  have  a  good  farm  for  him,  let  Jiim  go  ^nd  aim 
his  bread;  and  when  he  can  raise  that,  let  him  get  a  wife 
to  make  butter  for  it ;  and  when  he  has  more  of  both  than 
he  wants,  let  him  sell  'em  and  lay  up  his  money,  and  he 
will  soon  have  his  bread  buttered  on  both  sides — put  him 
to,  eh !  why  put  him  to  the  Plough,  the  most  nateral, 
the  most  happy,  the  most  innocent,  and  the  most  healthy 
employment  in  the  world.  But,  said  the  old  man  (and 
he  did  not  look  over  half  pleased)  markets  aro  so  con- 
founded dull,  labour  so  high,  and  the  banks  and  great  folks 
a  swallerin  all  up  so,  there  don't  seem  much  encourage- 
ment for  farmers,  its  hard  rui)bin,  now-a-days,  to  live  by 
the  plough — he'll  be  a  hard  workin  poor  man  all  his  days. 
Oh  I  says  I,  if  he  wants  to  get  rich  by  farmin,  he  can  do 
that  too.  Let  him  sell  his  wheat,  and  eat  his  oatmeal 
and  rye;  send  his  beef,  mutton,  and  poultry^to  market, 
and  eat  his  pork  and  potatoes,  make  his  own  cloth,  weave 
his  own  linen,  and  keep  out  of  shops,  and  he'll  soon  grow 
rich — there  are  more  fortius  got  by  savin  than  by  makin,  I 
guess,  a  plaguy  sight — he  cant  eat  his  cake  and  have  it  too, 
that's  a  fact.  No,  make  a  farmer  of  him,  and  you  will 
have  the  satisfaction  of  seeing  him  an  honest,  an  indepen- 
dent, and  a  respectable  member  of  society — more  honest, 
than  traders,  more  independent  than  professional  men,  and 
more  respectable  than  either. 

Ahem  '  says  Marm  Drivvlo,  and  she  began  to  clear  her 
throat  for  action ;  she  slumped  down  licr  nittin,  and  c'awed 
•'<r  her  spectacles,  and  looked  right  straight  at  me,  so  a."  *.^ 


THE    WHITE    NIOOER. 


MS 


take  good  aim.  I  seed  a  regular  norweater  a  Ijruin,  I  knew 
It  would  bust  somewhere  surtan,  and  make  al!  smoko  amn 
80  I  cleared  out  and  lul>  old  Drivvic  to  stand  the  squall. 
I  conceit  he  must  have  had  a  tcmpestical  time  of  it,  for  she 
find  got  her  Ebenezer  up,  and  looked  like  a  proper  sneezer 
Make  her  Johnny  a  farnier,  eh  ?  I  guess  that  was  too  much 
lor  the  like  o'  her  to  stomach. 

Pride,  Squire,  continued  the  Clockmaker,  (with  such 
an  air  of  concern,  that,  I  verily  believe,  the  man  feels  an 
interest  in  the  welfare  of  a  Province,  in  which  he  has  siient  / 
so  long  a  time,)  Pride,  Squire,  and  a  false  pride,  too, 
la  the  rum  of  thta  country,  I  hope  I  may  be  skinned  it'  it 
lante.  •' 


CHAPTER  XXVir. 

THE  WHITE  NIGGER. 

Onk  of  the  most  amiable,  and  at  the  same  time  most 
amusing  traits,  in  the  Clockmaker's  character,  was  the 
Jittachment  and  kindness  with  which  he  regarded  his  horse. 
He  considered  « Old  Clay'  as  far  above  a  Provincial  horse, 
as  he  did  one  of  his  'free  and  enlightened  citizens' superior 
to  a  blue-nose.  Ho  treated  him  as  a  travelling  companion, 
find  when  conversation  flagged  between  us,  would  often 
soliloquise  to  him,  a  habit  contracted  from  pursuing  his 
journeys  alone.  Well  now,  he  would  say,  '  Old  Clay  '  1 
guess  you  took  your  time  agoin  up  that  are  hill— s'pose 'we 
prt>gress  now.  Go  along,  you  old  sculpin,  and  turn  out 
your  toes.  I  reckon  you  are  as  deff  as  a  shad,  do  you  hear 
there  go  ahead,  Old  Clay.'  There  now,  he'd  say,  Squire 
nmt  that  dreadful  pretty  ?  There's  action.  That  looks 
about  right— legs  all  under  him— gathers  all  up  snug— no 

I  rt-  u°  o  head— no  rollin  of  his  shoulders— no  wabblin 
o  his  hmd  parts,  but  steady  as  a  pump  bolt,  and  the  motion 
all  underneath.     When  he  fairly  lays  himself  to  it,  he  trola 

I  Ike  all  vengeance.  Then  look  at  his  ears,  jist  like  rabbits, 
"one  0  your  flcp  ears  like  them  Amherst  beasts,  half  horsej^ 


t  j 


i: 


111 


THF.   n.OCKMAKKn. 


liHlf  pif^H,  ImiI  strnii  up  nml  pinnlcd,  nnd  not  too  nonr  ni 
tht)  tips;  lor  that  arc,  1  conciiil,  nlwnyH  hIiowh  n  horso 
aiut  IriKj  \o  draw.  There  an:  only  two  thiiiffH,  Squire, 
worth  look-in  at  in  a  horse,  action  and  mandnesn,  for  I 
never  saw  a  vrltter  that  had  good  action  that  was  a  had 
heast.  Old  ('lay  puta  ino  in  miiid  of  ono  of  our  froo  uiid 
cnli}j;litcn('d . 

Excuso  me,  said  I,  Mr.  Slick,  but  roally  you  appropriate 
Ihat  word  ♦  free'  to  your  counlrymon,  as  if  you  thought  no 
othnr  pcoplo  in  the  world  \v<M(!  rntitlod  to  it  hut  yourselves. 
Neither  thuy  ho,  said  he.  Wo  first  sot  the  example.  Look 
at  our  declaration  of  independcnt;e.  It  was  writ  by  .Teller- 
son,  and  he  was  the  iirst  man  of  th(^  ag(!,  perhaps  the  world 
n(>ver  seed  his  ditto.  It's  a  beautiful  piocc  of  penmanship 
that,  he  i^aw,  tlu;  British  the  butt  eend  of  his  mind  there. 
1  calcuhito  you  couldn't  fait  it  in  no  particular,  it's  generally 
allowed  to  b(!  his  cap  sbief.  In  the  first  pugo  of  it,  second 
section,  and  iirst  varso,  arc  these  words,  'Wo  hold  this 
truth  to  be  selt-evident,  that  all  men  are  created  ccpiol.'  I 
guess  King  (leorge  turned  his  quid  when  he  rend  that.  It 
w/is  somethin  to  chaw  on,  he  hadn't  been  used  to  the  Havor 
of,  I  reckon. 

Jellorson  forgot  to  insert  one  little  word,  said  I,  he  should 
nave  said,  *  all  white  men ;'  for  as  it  now  stands,  it  is  n 
practicol  untruth,  in  a  country  which  tolerates  domestic 
slavery  in  its  worst  and  most  forbidding  li)rm.  It  is  a  dccl.i. 
ration  of  shame,  and  not  jf  independence.  It  is  as  perfect 
n  misnomer  as  ever  I  know.  Well,  said  ho,  1  must  admit 
there  is  a  screw  loose  somewhere  thereabouts,  and  I  wish  it 
would  convene  to  Congress  to  do  somethin  or  another  about 
our  niggers,  but  I  am  not  quite  certilied  how  that  is  to  Iiesot 
to  rigiits — I  concait  that  you  don't  understand  us.  Rut, 
said  he,  (evadmg  the  subject  with  his  usual  dexterity,)  w(i 
deal  only  in  niggers,  —  ond  those  thick  skulled,  crooked 
slmnk(>d,'  flat  footed,  long  heeled,  woolly  headed  gentlemen, 
don't  seem  fit  for  much  else  but  slavery,  1  do  suppose ;  thoy 
aint  fit  to  contrive  for  themsclvc^s.  They  are  just  like  grass- 
hoppers ;  tlu\y  dance  and  sing  all  summer,  and  when  winter 
comes  they  have  nothin  provided  for  it,  and  lay  down  and 
die.  They  rcqiiire  some  one  to  see  arter  them.  Now,  we  deal 
ui   black  niggers  only,  but  the  blue-noses  sell  their  own 


THE    WHITE    Nia«EIl. 


H5 


»|>ooios~.|I,oy  trade  in  white  slavcH.    Thank  God  said  1 
«  uvory  cloos  not  exist  in  any  part  of  his  Mnie8rv'«  h1/ 

Lnst  fall,  said  ho,  I  was  on  my  way  to  Partridce  IslanrI 

IS  the  moan  n  of  nil  tu.^i  i    -7       '    s         — ^"°'  ®"  '^'rth 
r^Cn  r   r  «'  /nis?  Is  it  a  vandow,  or  a  weddin  nr  « 

rohn  frolic  or  a  rchgious  stir,  or  what  is  it  ?  Think  "lI'S 

te  fafed  talhe  S  J^l";^-""",  '■''  """'y  "'"«  chores 
^quralo  /rora  my  poor  old  wife,  are  vou  »  l.-ill  -  "^ 


Hn 


7HK  ciockmakv:r. 


u  i 


we  lived  together  as  man  and  wife,  and  a  gootl  wife  has  she 
'.een  to  me,  through  all  my  troubles  and  trials,  and  Gou 
knows  1  have  had  enough  of  'em.     No  one  knows  my  ways 
and  ailments  but  her,  and  who  can  tend  me  so  kind,  or  who 
will  bear  with  the  complaints  of  a  poor  old  man  but  his 
wife.     Do,  Deacon,  and  Heaven  bless  you  for  it,  and  yours, 
(lo  sell  us  together ;  we  have  but  a  few  days  to  live  now 
death  will  divide  us  soon  enough.     Leave  her  to  close  my 
old  eyes,  when  the  struggle  comes ;  and  when  it  comes  to 
you,  deacon,  as  come  it  must  to  all,  may  this  good  deed  ris# 
up   for  you,  as  a  memorial  before  God.     I   wish  it   had 
pleased  him  to  have  taken  us  afore  it  came  to  this,  but  hi? 
will  be  done ;  and  he  hung  his  head,  as  if  he  felt  he  had 
ilra.ned  the  cup  of  degradation  to  its  dregs.     Can't  afford 
It,  Jerry— can't  afford  it,  old  man,  said  the  deacon  (with 
such  a  smile  as  a  November  sun  gives,  a  passin  atween 
clouds.)     Last  year  they  took  oats  for  rates,  now  nothm 
hut  wheat  will  go  down,  and  that's  as  good  as  cash,  and 
you'll  hang  on,  as  most  of  you  do,  yet  tiieso  many  years. 
There's  old  Joe  Crowe,  I  believe  in  my  conscience  he  wdl 
live  for  ever.     The  bidden  then  went  on,  and  he  was  sold 
for  six  shillings  a  week.     Well,  the  poor  critter  gave  one 
long,  loud,  deep  groan,  and  then  folded  his  arms  over   his 
breast,  so  tight  that  he  seemed  tryin  to  keep  in  his  breast 
from  bustin.  I  pitied  the  misfortunate  wretch  from  my  soul, 
I  don't  know  as  I  ever  felt  so  streaked  afore.     Not  so  his 
wife,  she  was  all  tongue.     She  begged,  and  prayed,  and 
rryed,  and  scolded,  and  talked  at  the  very  tip  eend  of  her 
voice,  till  she  became,  poor  critter,  exhausted,  and  went  off 
in  a  faintin  fit,  and  ihey  ketched  her  up  and  carried  her  out 
to  the  air,  and  she  was  sold  in  that  condition.  ^ 

Well  I  couldn't  make  head  or  tail  of  all  this,  I  could 
hardly  believe  my  own  eyes  and  ears  ;  so  says  I  to  John 
Porter,  (him  that  has  that  catamount  of  a  wife,  that  I  had 
such  a  touss  with,)  John  Porter,  says  I,  who  ever  see'd  or 
hecr'd  tell  of  the  like  of  this,  what  under  the  sun  does  it  all 
mean  ?  What  has  that  are  critter  done  that  he  should  bo 
sold  arter  that  fashion  ?  Done,  said  he,  why  nothin,  and 
liiat's  the  reason  they  sell  him.  This  is  town-meeting  day, 
and  we  always  sell  the  poor  for  the  year,  to  the  lowest  bid' 
der      Them  that  will  keep  them  for  the  lowest  sum,  gets 


THE    WHIlrB    NIOGER. 


14" 


fhcui.  Wh  7,  .ays  I,  that  feller  that  bought  him  is  a  pan- 
per  himself  (o  my  sartin  knowledge.  If  yo„  were  to  ake 
mm  up  by  the  heels  and  shake  him  for  a  wiek,  you  couiS 
shake  sixpence  out  of  him.  How  can  he  keep  him  ?  it  an. 
pears  to  me  the  poor  buy  the  poor  here,  and  that  they  ail 
starve  together.  Says  I,  there  was  a  very  good  man  once 
lived  to  Liverpoo  ,  so  good,  he  said  he  hadn't  sinned  for 

stopt  all  the  fish  from  gom  up,  and  the  court  fined  him  fifty 
pounds  for  u,  and  this  good  man  was  so  wrathy,  he  tl^ouoh^ 

h  ;.  it'wi  tT  o  ''r""'  ^  ^•"'^'  ^^'  ^°"^«i^"ce  told 

hin  It  was  Wicked.  So  he  compounded  with  conscience, 
and  cheated  the  devil,  by  calling  it  a  '  dam  fine  business  ' 

noor  law 'Tf  T""'  '0'"'  '^  y^"'"  P^^^''^^^'  '^  '«  «  ^amn 
poo   law   I  tell  you,  and  no  good  can  come  of  such  hard- 

heaitcd  doms.     it's  no  wonder  your  country  don't  prosper, 

for  who  ever  hoc^d  of  a  blessin  on  such  carryins^n'^as 

If  h.^«'7  '  ^n"/y^'  *'""^'  *^"  ""^  ^  ^«'-^'"  '^^^  '"an, 
!h    t     I  A^^'  ''''"^^  ^^'^^''^^•"^  '"^^  «t '»«  gate,  and  how 

he  dogs  had  more  compassion  than  he  had,  and  came  and 
hcked  h.s  sores?  cause  if  you  have,  look  at  that  forehanded 
and  spons.be  man  there.  Deacon  Westfall,and  you  seetho 
rich  man.  And  then  look  at  that  are  pauper,  dragged  away 
m  thatox-cart  from  his  wife  for  ever,  like  a  fellen^sS 
P  .son    and   you   see   Lazarus.     Recollect  what  follered, 

i  ChriXnran'  '"'  ""^'^^' ""''  "^^  '^'^  ^"  ''  ^  ^'ou  arJ 

out  of  the  house  and  as  I  was  a  turnin  Old  Clay,  said  he, 
J  r.  Shck,  says  he,  I  never  see'd  it  in  that  are  light  afore 
1  to  m"7"''?K"?'  «"^*^"«^°'"'  yo»  know,  will  reconcile 

nllT'  H  ""^^elin  ^«y  of  providin  Ibr  the  poor ;  buf, 
astouchin  the  matter  of  dividin  man  and  wife,  why,  (and 
U3  peered  al   round  to  see  that  no  one  was  within  h^^rin,) 
vhy,  I  don  t  know,  but  if  it  was  my  allotment  to  be  sold 
d  ds  lives  they  d  sell  me  separate  from  Jane  as  not,  for  i 
appeal's  to  me  it's  ?bout  the  best  part  of  it. 

.s  t)7lZT  ^  ^r-r'°'^  y.°"  Squire,  said  the  Clockmaker, 
L      J"":ii"!^./  „"!^"^-^  -«*-d  of  their  everlastiJ 


politics,  would  only  look  info  these  matters  a  little 


,  1  j^ue3>» 


148 


THE   CLOCKMAKER. 


It  would  be  far  better  for  the  country.  So,  for  our  decla. 
ration  of  independence,  I  guess  you  needn't  twitt  me  with 
our  slave-sales,  for  we  deal  only  in  blacks ;  but  blue-nose 
approbates  no  distinction  in  colours,  and  when  reduced  tc 

poverty,  is  reduced  to  slavery,  and  is  sold a  White 

Nigger. 


I 


CHAPTER  XXVIII. 


F     I 


lb       I 


FIRE  IN  THE  DAIRY. 

As  we  approached  within  fifteen  or  twenty  miles  of 
Parrsboro',  a  sudden  turn  of  the  road  brought  us  directly 
in  front  of  a  large  wooden  house,  consisting  of  two  stories 
and  an  immense  roof,  the  height  of  which  edifice  was  much 
mcreased  by  a  stone  foundation,  rising  several  feet  above 
ground.  Now,  did  you  ever  see,  said  Mr.  Slick,  such  a 
catamaran  as  that ;  there's  a  proper  goney  for  you,  for  to 
go  and  raise  such  a  buildin  as  that  are,  and  he  as  much  use 
for  it,  J  do  suppose,  as  my  old  waggon  here  has  for  a  fifth 
wheel.  Blue-nose  always  take  keer  to  have  a  big  house, 
cause  it  shows  a  big  man,  and  one  that's  considerable  fore- 
handed, and  pretty  well  to  do  in  the  world.  These  Nova 
Scotians  turn  up  their  blue-noses,  as  a  bottle  nose  porpoise 
turns  up  his  snout,  and  puff  and  snort  exactly  like  him  at  a 
small  house.  If  neighbor  Carrit  has  a  two  story  house  all 
filled  with  winders,  like  Sandy  Hook  lighthouse,  neighbor 
Parsnip  must  add  jist  two  feet  more  on  to  the  post  of  hisn, 
and  about  as  much  more  to  the  rafter,  to  go  a  head  of  him ; 
so  all  these  long  sarce  gentlemen  strive  who  can  get  the 
furdest  in  the  sky,  away  from  their  farms.  In  New  Eng- 
land our  maxim  is  a  small  house,  and  a  most  an  everlastin 
almighty  big  barn ;  but  these  critters  revarse  it,  they  hav(! 
little  hovels  for  their  cattle,  about  the  bigness  of  a  good 
sizeable  bear  trap,  and  a  house  for  the  humans  as  grand  as 
Noah's  Ark.  Well,  jist  look  at  it  and  see  what  a  figur  it 
does  cut.  An  old  hat  stuffed  into  one  pane  of  glass,  and  an 
old  flannel  pettic^oat,  as  yaller  as  jaundice,  in  another,  finish 


riRE   IN    THE   DAIRY. 


149 


off  the  from  ;  au  old  pair  of  breeches,  and  ihe  pad  of  a 
bran  new  cart-suddle  worn  out,  titivate  the  eend,  while  the 
backside  is  all  closed  up  on  account  of  the  wind.     When  it 
rams,  it  there  aint  a  pretty  how-do-you-do,  it's  a  pity —beds 
toated  out  of  this  room  and  tubs  set  in  tother  to  catch  soft 
water  to  wash ;  while  the  clapboards,  loose  at  the  eends,  po 
clap  clap,  clap,  like  galls  a  hacklin  flax,  and  the  winders 
and  doors  keep  a  dancin  to  the  music.    The  only  dry  place 
ill  the  house  IS  in  the  chimbley  corner,  where  the  folks  all 
huddle  up,  as  an  old  hen  and  her  chickens  do  under  a  cart 
of  a  wet  day.     I  wish  I  had  the  matter  of  a  half  a  dozen 
pound  of  nails,  (you'll  hear  the  old  gentleman  in  the  grand 
house  say,)  I'll  be  darned  if  I  don't,  for  if  I  had  I'd  fix 
them  are  clapboards,  I  guess  they'll  go  for  it  some  o»  these 
days.     I  wish  you  had,  his  wife  would  say,  for  they  do 
make  a  most  particular  unhansum  clatter,  that's  a  fact ;  and 
so  they  let  it  be  till  the  next  tempestical  time  comes,  and 
then  they  wish  agin.     Now  this  grand  house  has  only  two 
roonis  down   stairs,  that   are  altogether   slicked   up   and 
hnished  ofl^  complete,  the  other  is  jist  petitioned  off  rough 
Ike,  one  half  great  dark  entries,  and  tother  half  places  that 
look  a  plaguy  sight  more  like  packin  boxes  than  rooms. 
Well,  all  up  stairs  is  a  great  onfurnished  place,  filled  with 
every  sort  of  good  for  nothin  trumpery  in  natur— barrels 
without  eends— corn  cobs  half  husked— cast  off  clothes  and 
bits  of  old  harness,  sheep  skins,  hides,  and  wool,  apples, 
one  half  rotten,  and  tother  half  squashed— a  thousand  or 
two  of  shingles  that  have  bust  their  withs,  and  broke  loose 
all  over  the  floor,  hay  rakes,  forks,  and  sickles,  without 
handles  or  teeth  ;  rusty  scythes,  and  odds  and  eends  with- 
out  number.     When  any  thing  is  wanted,  then  there  is  a 
general  overhaul  of  the  whole  cargo,  and  away  they  got 
shifted  forrard,  one  by  one,  all  handled  over  and  chucked 
into  a  heap  together  till  the  lost  one  is  found ;  and  the  next 
time  away  they  get  pitched  to  the  starn  agin,  higglety,  ma. 
giety,  heels  over  head,  like  sheep  taken  a  split  for  it  over  a 
wall ;  only  they  increase  in  number  each  move,  cau?o  som« 
on  eniare  sure  to  get  broke  into  more  pieces  than    here 
^•as  afore.     Whenever  I  see  one  of  these  gr.-md  houses, 
andahat  lookin  outj>^jhe  winder  wilh  nary  head  in  it 
thinks  I,  I'll  be  darned  if  lliat's  a  place  for  u  wooden  clock. 
13  * 


150 


THE   CLOCKMAKER. 


j  I 


nothin  short  of  a  London  touch  would  go  down  with  them 
folkp,  so  I  calculate  I  wont  alight. 

Whenever  you  come  to  such  a  grand  place  as  this,  Squire 
depend  on't  the  farm  is  all  of  a  piece,  great  crops  of  this- 
tles, and  an  everlastin  yield  of  weeds,  and  cattle  the  best 
fed  in  the  country,  for  they  are  always  in  the  grain  fields 
or  mowin  lands,  and  the  pigs  a  rootin  in  the  potatoe  patchea. 
A  spic  and  span  new  gig  at  the  door,  shinin  like  the  mu 
banks  of  Windsor,  when  the  sun's  on  'em,  and  an  old  wrack 
of  a  hay  waggin,  wifh  its  tongue  onhitched,  and  stickin  out 
behind,  like  a  pig's  tail,  all  indicate  a  big  man.  He's  above 
thinkin  of  farmin  tools,  he  sees  to  the  bran  new  gig,  and 
the  hired  helps  look  arter  the  carts.  Catch  him  with  his  go- 
to-meetin  clothes  on,  a  rubbin  agin  their  nasty  greasy 
axles,  like  a  tarry  nigger ;  not  he,  indeed,  he'd  stick  you  up 
with  it. 

The  last  time  I  came  by  here,  it  was  a  little  bit  arter  day 
light  down,  rainin  cats  and  dogs,  and  as  dark  as  Egypt , 
so,  thinks  I,  I'll  jist  turn  in  here  for  shelter  to  Squire  Bill 
Blake's.  Well,  I  knocks  away  at  the  front  door,  till  I 
thought  I'd  a  split  it  in ;  but  arter  a  rappin  awhile  to  no 
purpose,  and  findin  no  one  come,  I  gropes  my  way  round 
to  the  back  door,  and  opens  it,  and  feelin  all  along  the  par- 
tition for  the  latch  of  the  keepin  room,  without  finding  it,  I 
knocks  agin,  when  some  one  from  inside  calls  out '  walk.' 
Thinks  I,  I  don't  cleverly  know  whether  that  indicates 
*  walk  in,'  or  *  walk  out,'  its  plaguy  short  metre,  that's  a 
fact;  but  I'll  see  any  how.  Well,  arter  gropin  about 
awhile,  at  last  I  got  hold  of  the  string  and  lifled  the  latch 
and  walked  in,  and  there  sot  old  Marm  Blake,  close  into 
one  corner  of  the  chimbley  fire  place,  a  see-sawin  in  a 
rockin  chair,  and  a  half  grown  black  house-help,  half  asleep 
in  tother  corner,  a  scroudgin  up  over  the  embers.  Who  be 
you  ?  said  Marm  Blake,  for  I  can't  see  you.  A  stranger 
said  I.  Beck,  says  she,  speakin  to  the  black  heifer  in  the 
corner.  Beck,  says  she  agin,  raisin  her  voice,  I  believe  you 
are  as  def  as  a  post,  get  up  this  minit  and  stir  the  coals,  til 
I  see  the  man.  Arter  the  coals  were  stirred  into  a  blaze, 
the  old  lady  surveyed  me  from  head  to  foot,  then  she  axed 
me  my  name,  and  where  I  came  from,  where  I  was  agoin 
and  what  my  business  was.     I  ^uess,  said  she,  you  must 


riRE   m    THE   DAIRF. 


LI 


90  reasonable  wet,  sit  to  the  fire  and  dry  voursolf  nr  m«„ 
Imp  your  health  may  be  endamnified  p'raps  '       "'"'''" 

gaces  up.  J  hadn  t  been  talkin  long,  'fore  I  well  ni^h  In,* 
sight  of  her  altogether  agin,  for  Httlf  Beck  began  to  flourth 
about  her  broom,  r  ght  and  Ipft  ii.  trron*  „f  T^  ,  "?""''" 
nnd  she  did  ra,»  .„»eh  :„"liful  .S  '/!".' d^u^TdVn'i 
kno,,  ,f  I  should  ever  see  or  breathe  either  a^in  Well 
vljen  all  was  sot  to  rights  and  the  fire  mad?up  the^o  d 
ady  began  to  apologize  for  havin  no  canfc^she  sa  d 
I  u„^i°„^'"°;:'^, ""  ^n  *«  "«•"  "fi"*.  ""■J  used  them 
ta>n  wel  siir''atHT^5'  °^  """[^  '°°'  ""e  old  man  hadn" 

iTj:  r>h  autnx^^j  r^^.e  it's  t; 
5fd\p::^-i7^'j|-'itd;t^^^^^ 

puddia,  and  a  p.g's  harslet  stewed  in  molasses  and  onions 

eld  to"r  ^T  ;'^"^f "'  ""^  *^^  ^°^«  P-rt  of  Say  ffi 
called  to  finish.  I  actilly  have  nothin  left  to  set  afore  you' 
for  It  was  none  o'  your  skim-milk  parties,  but  superfine 
uppercrust  real  jam,  and  we  made  clean  work  of  h^    Bu? 

hat  sa-d  ZMr  •  ""?  !;""'  ^°^  y^"'  ^"^  Perhaps,  arter 

he  Scltuts  Tr'^^        ^'Vr'.  P^^^^P^  you'll  expound 

pen  p?we  fullv        7"?  Z^'^^  ?"'^  ^'"^  ^^^^^  ^^em  laid 
Bpen  powerfully      I  hant  been  fairly  lifted  up  since  that 

I  aToan':nd''h''''"7  ''T''^'  '^^«  road,Tnd  then  she' 
ways  tfsee  how  thT  ^aT  ^f  ^^"^'  ^"^  ^^^^ed  corner- 
17.  n  f  ,  ^^^  '^""^  ^^y  thereabouts.  The  tea  kettle 
was  accordingly  put  on,  and  some  lard  fried  into  oil  and 
poured  into  a  tumbler;  which,  with  the  aid  of  an  inch  of 

and  maike  s     'V''  '"'  '"^  "^""^^  ^^^^^'^  ^'^^"t  fashions. 
ScrT    and  in  tK  '^'^°"«'/."d  scandal,  and  all  sorts  o* 

MissuT    thprp'<=  fi.    •    .y  T^  °^  ^^'  ^^^c^'  oh  Missus 
a  to  it  n         r      '.^  '"  ^^^  ^^^^y'  fi^o  Jn  the  Dairy!     Vl 

nll'^^o  a'nd  Stttt^nS^''^^'^  all  your.carelL 
'  -'"  •"'''  mi^it,  HOW  on  auih  did  it  get 


1&2 


TUB    CLOCKMAKER. 


J 


there  ?  my  night's  milk  gone,  I  dare  say ;  run  this  minil 
iind  put  it  out  and  save  the  milk.  I  am  dreadful  afeard  of 
fire,  I  always  was  from  a  boy,  and  seein  the  poor  foolish 
critter  seize  a  broom  in  her  fright,  I  ups  with  the  tea  kettle 
and  follows  her ;  anj.  away  we  dipt  thro'  the  entry,  she 
callin  out  mind  the  cellar  door  on  the  right,  take  keer  of  the 
close  horse  on  the  icft,  and  so  on,  but  as  J  couldn't  see 
nothin,  I  kept  right  straight  ahead.  At  last  my  foot  kotch- 
ed  in  somethin  or  another,  that  pitched  me  somewhat  less- 
than  a  rod  or  so,  right  agin  the  poor  black  critter,  and 
away  we  went  heels  over  head.  I  heerd  a  splash  and  a 
groan,  and  I  smelt  somethin  plaguy  sour,  but  I  couldn't  see 
nothin ;  at  last  I  got  hold  of  her  and  lifted  her  up,  for  she 
didn't  scream,  but  made  a  strange  kind  of  choakin  noise, 
and  by  this  time  up  came  Marm  Blake  with  u  light.  If  poor 
Beck  didn't  let  go  then  in  airnest,  and  sing  out  for  dear  life, 
its  a  pity,  for  she  had  gone  head  first  into  the  swill  tub, 
and  the  tea  kettle  had  scalded  her  feet.  She  kept  a 
dancin  right  up  and  down,  like  one  ravin  distracted  mad 
and  boohood  like  any  thing,  clawin  away  at  her  head 
the  whole  time,  to  clear  away  the  stufT  that  stuck  to  her 
wool. 

I  held  in  as  long  as  I  could,  till  I  thought  I  should  have 
busted,  for  no  soul  could  help  larfin,  and  at  last  I  haw 
hawed  right  out.  You  good  for  nothin  stupid  slut,  you, 
said  the  old  lady  to  poor  Beck,  it  sarves  you  right,  you 
had  no  business  to  leave  it  there — I'll  pay  you.  But,  said 
I,  interferin  for  the  unfortunate  critter,  Good  gracious, 
Marm  I  you  forget  the  fire.  No  I  don't,  said  she,  I  see 
him,  and  seesin  the  broom  that  had  fallen  from  the  nigger's 
hand,  she  exclaimed,  I  see  him,  the  nasty  varmint,  and 
began  to  belabor  most  onmarcifully  a  poor  half-starved  cur 
that  the  noise  had  attracted  to  the  entry.  I'll  teach  you, 
said  she,  to  drink  milk ;  I'll  larn  you  to  steal  into  the 
dairy,  and  the  besot  critter  joined  chorus  with  Beck,  and 
hey  both  yelled  together,  till  they  fairly  made  t)ic  house 
ring  agin.  Presently  old  Squire  Blake  popt  his  head  out 
of  a  door,  and  rubbin  his  eyes,  half  asleep  and  half  awake 
laid,  What  the  Devil's  to  pay  now,  wife  ?  Why  nothin, 
says  she,  only,  •  fire's  in  the  dairy, ^  and  Beck's  in  the  swill 
lub,  that's  all.     Well,  don't  make  such  a  touss,  then,  said 


A    BODY    WITHOUT    A    HEAD. 


[BH 


hoj  if  that  s  all,  and  he  shot  tu  the  door,  and  went  tc  l)ed 
agin.  When  we  returned  to  the  kcepin  room,  the  old  ludv 
fold  me  that  they  always  had  had  a  dog  called  '  Fire'  -ver 
since  her  grandfather,  Major  Donald' Frascr'«  time,  and 
what  was  very  odd,  says  slie,  every  one  on  'em  would  drink 
milk  il  he  had  a  chance. 

By  this  tinrie  the  shower  was  over,  and  the  moon  shinin  so 
bright  and  clear  that  I  thought  I'd  better  be  up  and  stirrin, 
and  arter  slippin  a  few  cents  into  the  poor  nigger  wench's 
hand,  I  took  h^ave  of  the  grand  folks  in  the  big  house. 
IVow,  Squire,  among  these  middlin  sized  farmers  you  mav 
ay  this  down  as  a  rule-7%e  bigger  the  house,  the  bigger 
tne  fools  be  that's  in  it.  ^^ 

But,  howsomever,  I  never  call  to  mind  that  are  go  in  thp 
big  house,  up  to  the  right,  that  I  don't  snicker  when  I  think 
of '  I' ire  m  the  dairy' 


CHAPTER  XXIX. 

A  BODY  WITHOUT  A  HEADt 

I  ALLOT  you  had  ought  to  visit  our  great  country,  Squire, 
said  the  Clockmaker,  afore  you  quit   for   good   and    all. 
calculate  you  don't  understand  us.     The  most  splendid 
location  at  ween  the  Poles  is  the  United  States,  and  the  first 
man  alive  is  Gineral  Jackson,  the  hero  of  the  age,  him 
that  s  skeered  the  British  out  of  their  seven  senses.     Then 
there  s  the  great  Daniel  Webster,  it's  generally  allowed, 
he  s  the  greatest  orator  on  the  face  of  the  airth,  by  a  IopJ 
chalk,  and   Mr.  Van  Buren,   and  Mr.  Clay,  and  An.os 
Kmdle,  and  Judge  White,  and  a  whole  raft  of  statesmen 
up  to  everything  and  all  manner  of  politics ;  there  aint  the 
beat  of    em  to  be  found  any  where.     If  you  was  to  heat 
em  1  concait  you'd  hear  genuine  pure  English  for  once,  anv 
now ;  lor  It  s  generally  allowed  we  speak  English  bettei 
than  the  British.     They  all  know  me  to  be  an  American 
citizen  here,  by  my  talk,  for  we  speak  it  complete  in  New 
E-n  gland. 


'■I'll 

AM 


154 


THE   CLOCKM\KER. 


Yw,  if  jou  want  to  see  a  free  people — them  that  mukeft 
their  own  lews,  accordin  to  their  own  notions — go  to  the 
States.  Indeed,  if  you  can  fait  them  at  all,  they  are  a 
little  grain  too  free.  Our  folks  have  their  head  a  tri.le  too 
much,  sometimes,  particularly  in  Elections  hoth  ui  free- 
dom of  speech  and  freedom  of  Press.  One  hadn't  ought  to 
blart  right  out  always  all  that  comes  uppermost.  A  horsa 
that's  too  free  frets  himself  and  h's  rider  too,  and  both  on 
'em  lose  flesh  in  the  long  run.  I'd  een  a  most  as  licves  use 
the  whip  sometimes,  as  to  be  for  everlastinly  a  pullin  at  the 
rein.  One's  arm  gets  plaguy  tired,  that's  a  fact.  I  often 
think  of  a  lesson  1  larnt  Jehiel  Quirk  once,  for  lettin  his 
tongue  outrun  his  good  manners. 

I  was  down  to  Rhode  Island  one  summer,  to  larn  gildin 
and  bronzin,  so  as  to  give  the  finishin  touch  to  my  clocks. 
Well,  the  folks  elected  me  a  hogreave,  jist  to  poke  fun  at 
me,  and  Mr.  Jehiel,  a  bean  pole  of  a  lawyer,  was  at  the 
bottom  of  it.  So  one  day,  up  to  Town  Hall,  where  there 
was  an  oration  to  be  delivered  on  our  Indcperidence,  jist 
afore  the  orator  commenced,  in  runs  Jehiel  in  a  most  allfired 
hurry ;  and  says  he,  I  wonder,  says  he,  if  there's  are  a  hog- 
reave  here,  because  if  there  be  I  require  a  turn  of  his 
office.  And  then,  said  he,  a  lookin  up  to  me  and  callin  out 
at  the  tip  cend  of  his  voice,  ]\Ir.  Hogreave  Slick,  says  he, 
here's  a  job  out  here  for  you.  Folks  snickered  a  gooa 
deal,  and  I  felt  my  spunk  a  risin  like  half  flood  that's  a  fact, 
but  I  hi*:  in  my  breath,  and  spoke  quite  cool.  Possible, 
says  I  i  well  duty,  I  do  suppose,  must  be  done,  though  it 
tante  the  most  agreeable  in  the  world.  I've  been  a  thinkin, 
says  I,  that  I  would  be  liable  to  a  fine  of  fifty  cents  for  suf- 
ferin  a  hog  to  run  at  large,  and  as  you  are  the  biggest  one,  1 
presume  in  all  Rhode  Island,  I'll  jist  begin  by  ringin  your 
nose,  to  prevent  you  for  the  futur  from  pokin  your  snout 
where  you  hadn't  oughr  to — and  I  seized  him  by  the  nose 
and  nearly  wrung  it  off.  Well,  you  never  hee/d  such  a 
shoutin  and  clappin  of  hands,  and  cheerin,  in  your  life — 
they  haw-hawed  like  thunder-  Says  I,  Jehiel  Quirk,  that 
wa  a  superb  joke  of  yourn,  how  you  made  the  folks  lurf, 
d  'n't  you  ?  You  are  een  amosl  the  wittiest  critter  I  ever 
»    d.     I  guess  you'll  mind  your  parts  o'  speech,  and  sludv 


ii  i 


A    BODY    WITHOUT    A    HEAD. 


155 

run  arter  Jhul 


Jie  accidence  agin  aforo  you  let  your  clapper 
fashion,  won't  you. 

I  thought,  said  I,  that  among  yon  repuWicans,  there  Avere 
no  gradations  of  rank  or  oftice,  and  that  a'l  were  equal,  the 
Hogreave  and  the  Governor,  the  Judge  and  th  >  Crier,  the 
master  and  his  servant ;  and  although  from  the  nature  of 
things,  more  power  might  be  entrusted   to  one  than  the 
other,  yet  that  the  rank  of  all  was  precisely  the  same.  Well 
said  he,  it  is  so  ir.  theory,  but  not  always  in  practice ;  and 
when  we  do  m&ctise  it,  it  seems  to  go  a  little  agin  the  L/rain. 
as  if  It  warn  t  quite  right  neither.     When  I  was  last  to  Ball 
timore  there  was  a  Court  there,  and  Chief  Justice  Marshall 
was  detailed  there  for  duty.     Well,  with  us  in  New  Ene- 
7"'*' ;^°l^^''''^«"ends  the  Judge  to  Court,  and  says  I  to 
the  bheriff;  why  don't  you  escort  that  are  venerable  old 
Judge  to  the  State  House,  he's  a  credit  to  our  nation  that 
man,  he  s  actiUy  the  first  pothook  on  the  crane,  the  whole 
weight  IS  on  him,  if  it  warn't  for  him  the  fat  would  be  in 
the  hre  in  no  time  ;  I  wonder  you  don't  show  him  that  re- 
spect— It  wouldn't  hurt  you  one  morsel,  I  guess.     Says  he 
;j";^";!?y  '•'^^'  [^""'*  »>e  know  the  way  to  Court  as  well  as 
1  do?  If  I  thought  he  didn't,  I'd  send  one  of  my  niggers  to 
sliow  him  the  road.     I   wonder  who  was  his  lackey  last 
year,  that  he  wants  me  to  l»e  hisn  this  time.     It  don't  -on- 
•-ene  to  one  of  our  free  and  enlightened  citizens,  to  tag 
arter  any  man,   that's   a   fact?     Its  too  English  and  toS 
♦orcign  fo"  our  glorious  institutions.     He'b  bound  by  law  to 
oe  there  at  10  o'clock,  and  so  be  1,  and  we  both  know  the 
way  there  I  reckon. 

I  told  the  story  to  our  minister,  Mr.  Hopewell,  (and  he 
has  some  odd  notions  about  him  that  man,  though  he  don'» 
always  let  out  what  he  thinks .;)  says  he,  Sam,  that  was 
in  bad  taste,  (a  great  phrase  of  the  old  gentleman's  that)  in 
bad  taste,  Sam.  That  are  Sheriff  was  a  goney ;  don't  -u 
your  '  oth  arter  his  pattern,  or  your  garment  won't  becoma 
you,  J  tell  you.  We  are  too  enlightened  to  worship  our  fellow 
citizens  as  the  ancients  did,  but  we  ought  to  pay  great 
respect  to  vartuo  and  exalted  talents  in  this  life,  and,  artei 
their  death,  there  should  be  statues  of  eminent  men  placed 
in  our  national  temples,  for  the  veneration  of  arter  ages,  and 
public  ceremonies  performed  annually  to  their  honor.  Arlci 


H 


130 


TtlU   CLOCKMAKUR. 


li% 


;>   ,1*' 


all,  Sam,  s/ik    ho,  (ntul  ho  inndc  a  coiisidorablo  of  a  ionii 
p.iusc,  ns  il  ho  wuH  ciub,.r3omo  whether  ho  ouffhl  to  speak 
out  or  not)  artcr  all,  Sam,  said  he,  atweon  ouTsolves,  On 
you  must  not    et  on  1  said  so,  for  tho  fulness  of  time  Van' 
yet  come    half  a  yard  of  blue  ribbon  is  a  plaguy  cheap  way 

la  f  at  em,  (for  folks  always  will  larf  at  what  they  han't 
got,  and  never  can  get,)  yet  titles  aint  bad  things  as  objects 

aL"  lookiT'.^'  they  ?  Then  tappen  me  on  tL  shouJde.' 
and  lookm  up  and  smilm,  as  ho  always  did  when  ho  wa« 
pleased  w.th  an  ,dee.  Sir  Samuel  Slick  would  not  sound 
bad,  I  guess,  would  it  Sam? 

VVhen  I  look  at  the  English  House  of  Lords,  said  he, 
and  see  so  much  larnmg,  piety,  talent,  honor,  vartuc,  and 
retincment  collected  together,  I  ax  myself  this  hero  qucs- 
tmn    can  a  .system  which  produces  and   sustains  suih  a 
iHJdy  of  men  as  the  world  never  saw  belbre  and  never  will 
see  agm  bo  defective?     Well,  I  answer  myself,  perhaps 
IS,  for  all  human  mstitutions  are  so,  but  I  micss  it's  eVn 
about  the  best  arter  all.     It  wouldn 't  do  he^^^w,  Snm 
nor  perhaps  for  a  century  to  come,  but  it  will  come  Une 
or  later  with  some  variations.     Now  the  Newtown  piDoin 
when  transplanted  to  England,  don't  produce  such  fruif^' 
hel  n„vn^°'!?  ^•''''^"'^''^"d  English  fruits  don't  presarvo 
their  flavour  here  neither;  allowance  must  l,e  made  for 
difference  of  soil  and  climate-(Oh  Lord  I  thinks  I   if  ho 
urns  into  his  orchard,  I'm  do^Jfor;  I'll  have  to  gi^e  him 

foL  tt'/^'T  ^r  "";  ^"°'^^^'  '^'""''Sh  some  hdo  in  tho 
fence,  that  s  a  fact,  but  he  passed  on  that  time.)     So  it  is. 
said  he,  with  constitutions;  ourn  will  gradually  annroxi 
mate  to  theirn,  and  theirn   to  ourn.     As  they^lose^  he ir 

ariri^;'  -""''^'^  ^^^  "'"  ^•'^^So  to  reTubUcar^^ 
and   as  we  invigorate  tho  form  of  government    (m  we 

monarchy.     If  this  comes  on  gradually,  like  the  chan.  J 
m  the  human  body,  by  the  slow  approach  of  old  a«o  "so 
much  tho  bettor:  but  I  fear  we  shall  have  fcvcTs  and  ^on 
vulsion.fits    and  cholics,  and  an  evorlaslin  gr^  in  of  Z" 
liilestines  first;  you  and  I  wont  live  to  see  it,  Su  ru  but  on 
posteriors  will,  you  may  depend.  ' 

I  don't  go  the  whole  figur  with  minister,  said  tiie  Clock 


A    nODV    WITHOUT    A    IIKAD.  ,5^ 

maker,  hut  I  <lo  opinionafc  with  hitn  ii.  ,»..»      r 
nc.s.s  rehuion8  wo   bolv  our   ,.  ^  ■'^' ■  /"  ^"•*  0"»»- 

every  nmn  is  equal  in  L  Union  l;;i    rnf''"^'  ""^ 
vote  and  voice   in   tho  Govn^nL  ^  ''l"^''^.  ^'"^«  «"  «^l"«l 

every  man's  vo^o T  egiS^v  hH"'""''  T'^   "«  °" 
of  sfock  ;  and  if  it  watni  V  ^         ^'''"■"  ""^  proportion 
these  things  at  all  '"  '  '"'  '"^  "'"»  ^""'^  t«l'e  hold  on 

arc  like 'first  loAenants  S e  '  /ini  '^'f  T^ 
overseer  over  the  nimrcrs      t  wZm      !   ?"-'".  ^'^^""^  '«  ««> 
equal  there.     So  it  is^in  t'l.n  Z         "''    ^'^  ^"''  «"  ^o  be 
Siperior  Power^  H-  al    th    An "?''T' '/  '"  ''"'^^  *>/ «ne 
Government,  l  guess— ^'f''^    'i''  ^"'^^  in   the 
had  been  noddirfg  for  somTTiino  1    '•'"   ^"^^^  ««'*^«PJ  ' 
what  ho  said,  buf in  her..' of's    mb:,"   Zitf"  "^ 
before  heard  him  so  prosv  sir.o.    V  i'"^'^'  ^^^^  '  had  never 
the  Colchester  road.        Se     omiL         °'"'"/^^"''  '""»  «« 
versation,  it  is  too  w  de  ?  £?  I  r'  '^'.^  '"^J^^^  «^  ^^n- 

h/hL^rci^lllfdST/^^^^^^^^^^^^^  f^«  f «.  which 

ed  of  his  conversation  was  I  thill  ^  K'"'^  ^  recollect, 
having  no  voice  in  tire  feove^n'ien^  „''""T  '^"^^'^ 
struck  my  drowsy  facultiosnln^??-'  ?"  assertion  that 
often  heard  that  tho   At?  ^      "^    «  • '^'ly  true ;  as  I  had 

and  warmly  on  the  su^ect'of "  v '^"  '""^^'^  ^''^n^^n^'y 
of  them  had  very  LcX  tho  /rl''^  ?^  ^"^^  ^'"^t  one 
eral  Jackson's  caVnet!^te  "P  ^en- 

was,  well,  I  declare^f  thai  nL  '"''^'  ?^^  ^'""^^  '  ^>««'-d 
considerin  how  he  fritter  t.  ""^  ''!^"^'"  ^"«  «hot,  too, 
i"^o,.  if  I  han'  cut  W  hr/nf^"""/,"  '^^  ^^«'°  b'^«««<» 
'he  throat,  that's  a  fact  Tl  ^  ""''^  ^  '^''"'  Ji^^  below 
I^entucky  'rifle,  Aell  you.  Who^:  h"  c^^'f  r"-  *  ^^"'' 
alarm,  whose  head,  Mr  Slir-l.  ?  r     i  I  ^"""^  ^'  ">  great 

you  done  ?  (for  I  had  li'en  H  rl       '"'T'J  '  ^^'^'^  ^^at  have 
-n.^eA.erict^^:S.--^;^,tho.^^^ 


158 


TllK   CLOCKMAKER. 


: 


4 


i.'5  ell 


•  "1 


.    ? 


p 


head, to  1m)  sure,  said  he;  don't  you  sec  how  special  wonderful 
wise  it  looks,  a  fluttcrin  al)out  artcr  its  head.  True,  said  1, 
rubbing  my  eyes,  and  opening  them  in  time  to  see  the  last 
muscular  spasms  of  the  decapitated  body ;  true,  Mr.  Slick 
it  is  a  happy  illustration  of  our  previous  conversation— 
a  body  without  a  head. 


CHAPTER  XXX. 

A  TALE  OF  BUNKER'S  HILL. 

Mr.  Slick,  like  all  his  countrymen  whom  I  have  seen 
felt  that  his  own  existence  was  involved  in  that  of  th« 
Constitution  of  the  United  States,  and  that  it  was  hts  duty 
to  uphold  it  upon  all  occasions.  He  affected  to  consider 
Its  government  and  its  institutions  as  perfect,  and  if  any 
doubt  was  suggested  as  to  the  stability  or  character  of 
either,  would  make  the  common  reply  of  all  Americans, 
•I  guess  you  don't  understand  us,'  or  else  enter  int-  a 
laboured  defence.  When  left,  however,  to  the  free  ex- 
pression of  his  own  thoughts,  he  would  often  give  utterance 
to  those  apprehensions  which  most  men  feel  in  the  event 
of  an  experiment  not  yet  fairly  tried,  and  which  has  in 
irany  parts  evidently  disappointed  the  sanguine  hopes  of 
its  friends.  But,  even  on  these  occasions,  when  his  vigi- 
lance seemed  to  slumber,  he  would  generally  covor  them, 
by  giving  them  as  the  remarks  of  others,  or  concealing 
them  in  a  tale.  It  was  this  habit  that  gave  his  discourse 
rather  the  appearance  of  thinking  aloud  than  a  connected 
conversation. 

We  arc  a  great  nation,  Squire,  he  said,  that's  sartin ;  but 
I'm  afear'd  we  didn't  altogether  start  right.  It's  in  politics 
as  in  racin,  every  thing  depends  upon  a  fair  start.  If  you 
are  ofF  too  quick,  you  have  to  pull  up  and  turn  back  ugin. 
and  your  beast  gets  out  of  wind  and  is  baffled,  and  if  you 
lose  in  the  start  you  han't  got  a  fair  chance  arterwards,  and 
are  plaguy  apt  to  be  jockied  in  the  course.     When  wo  set 


A    TALE   OP    bunker's   HILL. 


159 


«p  househocpm,  as  it  were  for  ourselves,  we  hated  our  step, 
mother  Old  England,  so  dreadful  bad,  we  wouldn't  foZ 
any  of  her  ways  of  managin  at  all,  but  made  new  receipts 
for  ourselves.  Well,  we  missed  it  in  many  thingrZt 
consumedly,  some  how  or  another.  Did  you  ever  see  TaTd 
he,  a  congregation  split  right  in  two  by  a  ouarreH  and  one 
K  Fth^  r\'  "^  "^  ^-'l-'-elves.'  I  ImToVr/to  s^v! 
kind      wJ  ^r^"  T\  T'^"^^^""^h«'y  '"«t«"^^«  «r  thi 

n  v'br^n  'ti  ^^  "^'''''  "/'"^^'  °'  ^'"^^  "^^^^"'  ««  ^he  ease 
inciy  be,  but  they  soon  get  on  another  tack,  and  leave  the 

0  d  shij,  clean  out  of  sight.     When  folks  once  take  to  e.^! 
bcle.     iMist  they  tiy  one  location,  and  then  they  try  an- 

dS'hS'.f"''^"''  '"^  'T'  ™Prove  there,  but  they 
don  t  hitch  their  horses  ♦  gether  long.  Sometimes  thev 
complain  they  Wjoo  little  water,  at  other  time  thtt  heJ 
hate  too  7nvch  ;  they  are  never  satisfied,  and,  wherever 
hese  separatists  go  they  onsettle  others  as  bad  as  ther^' 

if  a  LT  '^''  "'"^  '^,r>'  '  ^^"^'  "^'"'J  ^^'hat  I  tell  you, 
cai^t  .o  ti°  V'f  t '"  ""  Pft'^"J«rs  with  his  church,  and 
n^l  f  the  ^v^J^ole  hog  with  'em,  he  aint  justified  on  that 
account,  no  how,  to  separate  from  them,  for  Sam,  "  Scl^ 
u  a  sm  m  the  eye  of  God."    The  whole  Chri^ian  worW 

lie  Inf  Prn7\"  f'^'w  ,f  °u'^'^°  ^'■^^^  ^^"^'"^'''  the  Catho.' 
n  l.„  "     P^ot^stant.     Well,  the  Catholic  is  a  united  family, 

vinJmhn/f^";'^'''  '"'"^  ''n^^Ss  is  eggs,  that  are  family 
w  1  grub  out  tother  one,  stalk,  branch  and  roof,  it  won't  so 
much  as  leave  the  seed  of  it  in  the  ground,    o  grow  by 

Imnce  as  a  nateral  curiosity.  Now  the  Protestan?  family 
lit  U.r^^'.  '^  ''^''''  '^'"Sles,  when  withered  up  tcZ 

So    rp'j  Ir     K    T"'  '""'  ^,V^  "^^^''  ^^'"  ^  to  all  etaniity) 

no  gieat  of  a  bundle  arter  all,  you  might  take  it  up  under 

ne  arm  and  walk  off  with  it  without  winkin.     Hu^  when 

a  vat  nn  ''  ""'"  ''^''"^^.•''  ''^'-'y  ™^  of  doctrine,  some 

in  Z  7  f"  "  ""^f:  °"^  °^'^-^^''  others  rolin  over  and  over 
vr    L      '  ?"'''  f ''?  /^  '''^^^''  ^"^  ^'thers  so  warped  by  the 
ns  lo  n  .r    ^'T""'^'-^^'  ^''a,f""-«o  two  of  'em  will  i  so 
ns  to  make  a  close  juU.     Thuy  are  all  diHUed  into  sects 


IGO 


THE    CLOCKMAKER. 


l\ 


Pi; 


railin,  qiiarrelin,  separutin,  and  agrecin  in  nothin,  but  hatin 
each  other.  It  is  awful  to  think  on.  Tother  family  will 
some  day  or  other  gather  them  all  up,  put  them  into  a  bundle 
and  bind  them  up  tight,  and  condemn  'em  as  fit  for  nothin 
under  the  sun,  but  the  fire.  Now  he  who  splits  one  of  these 
here  sects  by  schism,  or  he  who  preaches  schism,  commits 
a  grievous  sin ;  and  Sam,  if  you  valy  your  own  peace  of 
mind,  have  nothin  to  do  with  such  folks. 

It's  pretty  much  the  same  in  Politics.  I  aint  quite  cleat 
in  my  conscience,  Sam,  about  our  glorious  revolution.  If 
that  are  blood  was  shed  justly  in  the  rebellion,  then  it  wai 
the  Lord's  doin,  but  if  unlawfully,  how  am  I  to  answer  foi 
my  share  in  it.  I  was  at  Bunker's  Hill  (the  most  splendid 
battle  its  generally  allowed  that  ever  was  fought);  whaJ 
effect  my  shots  had,  I  can't  tell,  and  I  am  glad  I  can't,  all 
except  one,  Sam,  and  that  shot — Here  the  old  gentleman 
became  dreadful  agitated,  he  shook  like  an  ague  fit,  and  he 
walked  up  and  down  the  room,  and  wrung  his  hands,  and 
groaned  bitterly.  I  have  wrastled  with  the  Lord,  Sam,  and 
have  prayed  to  him  to  enliguten  me  on  that  pint,  and  to 
wash  out  the  stain  of  that  are  blood  from  my  hands.  I 
never  told  you  that  are  story,  nor  your  mother  neither, 
for  she  could  not  stand  it,  poor  critter,  she's  kinder  nar- 
vous. 

Well,  Doctor  Warren,  (the  first  soldier  of  his  age,  though 
he  never  fought  afore,)  commanded  us  all  to  resarve  our 
fire  till  the  British  came  within  pint  blank  shot,  and  we 
could  cleverly  see  the  whites  of  their  eyes,  and  we  did 
so — and  we  mowed  them  down  like  grass,  and  we  repeat- 
ed our  fire  with  awful  effect.  I  was  among  the  last  that 
remained  behind  the  breastwork,  for  most  on  'em,  arter 
ihe  second  shot,  cut  and  run  full  split.  The  British  were 
lose  to  us;  and  an  oflicer,  with  his  sword  di*awn,  was 
eading  on  his  men  and  encouragin  them  to  the  charge. 
I  could  see  his  features,  he  was  a  rael  handsum  man,  I  can 
see  him  now  with  his  white  breeches  and  black  gaiters, 
and  red  coat,  and  three  cornered  cocked  hat,  as  plain  as  if 
it  was  yesterday  instead  of  the  year  '75.  Well,  I  took 
a  steady  aim  at  him  and  fired.  He  didn't  move  for  a  space, 
.ind  I  thought  I  had  missed  him,  when  all  of  a  sudden,  he 
sprung  right  straight  up  an  eend,  his  sword  slipt  through 


A    TALE   OP    bunker's    HILL.  JCJ 

so  awful  since  I  was  ra  Jed    I  IT"'  **''  ^^  """S 
nomii-    nn.l  I  .1,  ""s™.  J  octilly  screamed  out  with 

are  Bril^h  otficerT  f  our  rSllion  w» '''''"T-    ^T'  "'"' 

was  murdered,  that's  a  t^!   "ZtCZ     "'  ""'T""'' 

growiu  old,  haunts  me  day  and  nfeht  S^l";'-  "Z  I  ""^ 
wth  thp  Stimn  A„f        "^  """  "ignt.     bometimes  I  beein 

iT^  1  P    .'  ""^  ^  go  o^er  all  our  grievances  on« 

by  one,  and  sav  a  nt  thpv  n  o.,ffi^;     *  •  ""' b^yv^'jces,  one 

it  makes  a  lon^  "s  anr/^?f •  i"'^'^^".''°"  •  ^«^^ 
appears  as  clea?  a  'any  thif  'tf  "'f  ^''  ^"u'  '^ 
come  doubts  in  mvminHLn°         ^   sometimes   there 

or  no.  expe:t:d,'"a^d";Lts^';'ou'':t"aS'S  ZT'^' 
warn't  the  Stamp  Act  reooalprl   nLj  '  ''"^  ^  ^^y» 

warn't  oifers  sent  to  seuL  all  ^^jV^^'^IT"  "'"^^'  ^"^ 
and  oneasy  agin?  And  hen  I  r^r^"^  ^P'  *^°"^'^^ 
yes.  but  tLm  offers  came  too  1  iT'^''  ^^^^  ^'  *^^ 
when  I  am  alone,  but  aLp  1/  ^°  "°^^'"  "°^' 

uctilly  dream  on  hat  maf  Tn  mv  ^.p  '"^  °'''  "^^'"-  ^ 
then  I  see  him  as  nlain  n^  ru^  ^^!?  ««"^etimes,  and 
over  it  all  aoin  till  T  /  ^?  ''^''^  ^'°^^  "^e,  and  I  go 

•eap  4h^:;'Tn'byaT:c:am"hl-ra,f"^'  ^"'  ^'^^"^ 
y^our  mothei-  poor  old  critte  s^v  Snm  """^ea^^^'  1"^ 
on  airth  ails  you  to  make  von  or?  '  y?'  '?7V^^'  '^^^^ 
your  slePD_r  rin  Lr        Z      .'^^^  ^°  ^'^^  ^^"^  Scratch  .n 

U  jfcieLe."  A  n   tyloirvT"'",""-  ""■""•'/  "" 
1.  aZyTdoes  so  whritl"'irr"^  ""7"  '  '""^  ^  P^»='- 

Our  revolufon  has  made  us  grow  faster  a^d  gr™;  richer 


i02 


THE   CLOCKMAKBR. 


but,  Sam,  wlieii  wc  were  younger  and  poorer,  we  were 


more  pious  and  more  happy.  \Vg  have  nothin  fixed  eithei 
111  religion  or  politics.  What  connexion  there  ought 
to  be  atween  Churcli  and  State,  I  am  not  availed,  but 
some  there  ought  to  be  as  sure  as  the  Lord  made  Moses. 
Religion,  when  left  to  itself,  as  with  us,  grows  too  rank 
and  iux'iriant.  Suckers  and  sprouts,  and  intersecting 
shoots,  and  superfluous  wood  uvjUg  a  nice  shady  tree 
to  look  at,  but  whero's  the  fruit,  Sam  ?  that's  the  question 
— Where's  the  fruit  1  No  ;  the  pride  of  human  wisdom, 
and  the  presumption  it  breeds  will  ruinate  us.  Jefferson 
was  an  infidel,  afld  avowed  it,  and  gloried  in  it,  and  called 
It  the  enlightenment  of  the  age.  Cambridge  College 
is  Unitarian,  cause  it  looks  wise  to  doubt,  and  every 
drumstick  of  a  boy  ridicules  the  belief  of  his  forefathers. 
If  our  country  is  to  be  darkened  by  infidelity,  our  Govern- 
ment defied  by  every  State,  and  every  State  ruled  by  moba 
— then,  Sam,  the  blood  we  shed  in  our  revolution  will  be 
atoned  for  in  the  blood  and  suffering  of  our  fellow-citizens 
The  murders  of  that  civil  war  will  be  expiated  by  a  politi 
cal  suicide  of  the  State.' 

I  am  somewhat  of  father's  opinion,  said  the  Clockmaker, 
though  I  don't  go  the  whole  figur  wijh  him,  but  he  needn't 
have  made  such  an  everlastin  touss  about  fixin  that  are 
British  Officer's  flint  for  him,  for  he'd  a  died  himself  by  this 
time,  I  do  suppose,  if  he  had  a  missed  his  shot  at  him. 
Praps  we  might  have  done  a  little  better,  and  praps  we 
mightn't,  by  stickin  a  little  closer  to  the  old  constitution. 
But  one  thing  I  will  say,  I  think,  arter  all,  your  Colony 
Government  is  about  as  happy  and  as  good  a  one  as  I  know 
on.  A  man's  life  and  property  are  well  protected  here  at 
little  cost,  aud  he  can  go  where  he  likes,  provided  he  d  in'i 
trespass  on  his  neighbour. 

I  guess  that's  enough  for  anv  on  u"  now,  aint  it  ? 


GULLING   A    BLUE-NOSE. 


163 


CHAPTER  XXXI. 

GULLING  A  BLUE-NOSE. 

t'mt's  a  fact.     Po  itfcks  aJ,d  2  h  ^!'^~-rP'^^''  «o/l  horns, 
children  in  a  cln-nll^  "^TL   fnl  Ta  V  n^'"/ ^^ 
«alem  witches,  and  Nova  Smfln  o.        ?       '''  ""^  g'^^^^s, 
they  stand  starin  and  vawnrn   nH   '"^"^  '^r"''  '  ^"^  ^^^'e 

th/r  pockets  picked tCercTh:^^^^      '"^^^'^V;^^^  ^^^ 
didate  chap  says,  «  Fdlcr  ck.Vnn.    ff •  "-''"'     ^"^  ^«n- 

the  dogs  hand  over  hmd    Innf  ; '    ^"'  ^°'-'"''>^  ^«  Soin  to 
bridges^.  at  your  viidtJs    vn,  T' ''''^■'^' ^^^  ^^^<^  «« 
treasury,   yo^l   ainto  got   a  'ceminT   nr^"'^'  "^  y^"^" 
things  don't  fetch  nothin;  at  your  fish  ',h     T"^  "'"^■^^^■^' 
'em  all.     There's  nnth  n  hJ^         '.  ^^^  Yankees  ketch 
youbuipover^Vaforvout'^^y""  but  sufferin,  around 
the  caui  of  ^"ZIZ  o  'awf:;ntaTe'o?t--  ^'^'^ 
what's  the  cause?    Why  Jud4    a„d  Rnnf       Tl  ^^' 
yers,  and  great  folks,  ^haveswaHe?^^^^^^^ 
They've  got  vou  down    nn^  fk     mi  i  ^"®   money. 

e.ari<y,  fou  and  ytrp'osTe  rioSr  Z '^Rf "™  "^-f" 
men,  arouse  yourselves  liko  fr™  ^  j  .  ^'^^  "P'  ^''*'« 
Legislator,  and  PlI  ead  on  thl?  n ',  """^  *^'""*  "^^  '^  the 
put  the  big  Wigs  thro'  the^?  f^l        n^"'  f!"'"'*'^''^  b^^^"^'  I'" 

their  shoef,  Plfknod<  oft>^^^^^^  T^'  f"^  ^^^'^^  i" 

VVclI,the^neysf:i^ul74f^^^  ^°"  ^^-^ 

away,  with  balls,  rifle,  powder  homanHnl^  ^'^''^  "-'^' 
t'oo  wwcA.  p^vvuer  norn,  and  all.  He  promised 

preacher,Tro3r  a"^!>  ^°f  ""^'  f  ^  ^  --^-^in  fine 
i^orld,  the  flTsh  an/r^i '?;"^"^^  rnan,  renounces  the 
«nd  ngh'!so  kL  to  ,h.'  ^'''''  Pi"""^"^  ^"^  P^^^^  day 
"lore  prid;  than  a  bah.  nT''  ""u^  'Z  ^""^^'^'  ^^  ^^^  no 

llion  comes  a  doe.o,-,  „,«,  a  prime  arhVIe  l,e  is.  ,00, 


lili 


^ 


104 


THE  CLOCKMAKER. 


l*ve  got,  say3  ho,  a  screw  auger  omctic  and  hot  crop,  and 
if  I  cant  cure  all  sorts  o'  things  in  natur,  my  name  aint 
quack.  Woll  he  turns  stomach  and  pocket  both  inside  out, 
and  leaves  poor  blue-nose — a  dead  man.     He  promised  loo 

much. 

Then  comes  a  Lawyer,  nn  honest  lawyer  too,  a  raol 
wonder  under  the  sun,  as  straight  as  a  shingle  in  all  his 
dealins.  He's  so  honest  he  can't  bear  to  hear  tell  of 
other  lawyers,  he  writes  agin  'em,  raves  agin  'em,  voles 
agin  'cm,  they  are  nil  rogues  but  him.  He's  jist  tho 
man  to  take  a  case  in  hand,  cause  he  will  see  justice  done. 
Well,  he  wins  his  case,  and  fobs  all  for  costs,  cause  he's 
sworn  to  see  justice  done  to— himself.     He  pronused  too 

much. 

Then  comes  a  Yankee  clockmaker,  (and  her2  Mr.  Slick 
looked  up  and  smiled,)  with  his  '  Soa  Sawder,'  and  '  Hu- 
man  Natur,'  and  he  sells  clocks  warranted  to  run  from 
July  to  Etarnity,  stoppages  included,  and  I  must  say  they 
do  run  as  long  as — as  long  as  wooden  clocks  commonly 
do,  that's  a  fact.  But  I'll  show  you  presently  how  I  put 
the  leak  into  'cm,  for  here's  a  feller  a  little  bit  ahead  on  us, 
whose  flint  I've  made  up  my  mind  to  fix  this  while  past. 
Here  we  were  nearly  thrown  out  of  the  waggon,  by  the 
bieaking  down  of  one  of  those  small  wooden  bridges,  which 
piove  so  annoying  and  so  dangerous  to  travellers.  Did 
you  hear  that  are  snap,  said  he,  well,  as  sure  as  fate,  I'l' 
break  my  clocks  over  them  are  etarnal  log  bridges,  if 
Old  Clay  clips  over  them  arter  that  fashion.  Them  ar< 
poles  are  plaguy  treacherous,  they  are  jist  like  old  MariT 
Patience  Doesgood's  teeth,  that  keeps  the  great  United 
Independent  Democratic  Hotel  at  Squaw  Neck  Creek 
in  Massachusetts,  one  half  gone,  and  tother  half  rotten 
eends. 

I  thought  you  had  disposed  of  your  last  Clock,  said  I,  a 
Colchester,  to  Deacon  Flint.     So' I  did,  he  replied,  the  las 

ne  I  had  to  sell  to  him,  but  I  got  a  few  left  for  other  folk 
yet.  Now  there  is  a  man  on  this  road,  one  Zeb  Allen,  o 
rael  genuine  skinflint,  a  proper  close  fisted  customer  af 
you'll  almost  see  any  where,  and  one  that's  not  altogethei 
the  straight  thing  in  Itis  dealin  neither.  He  dont  want  no 
.'•no  to  live  but  himm  If,  and  he's  mighty  handsuin  to  me 


em,  voles 


OULLIICO    A    BlUE-KOSE.  I(JJ 

•ayiii  my  Clocks  ore  all  a  cheat  unrl  .!.„. 
country,  a  droinin  evervHrnn  „?  ^°'  ""= '''""""'  "'« 

mo  a  /a,n<ee  b^rafd  what  „o7"'iT  f"-'  "'"  "•  "  """'" 
Gospel  that  he  ^.ys.  Now  I^H "t  a  H  '  *"'>?■  "".J"' 
ho  knows  it,  ni  so  riVhi  i„f„  1-  '^  ^-  , '"''  °"  ■""•  "f"™ 
play  him  to  fhefen^J  '^^  ™  file t  ro't"  t'tt'""^ 

Lam  to-day,  said  Mr.  Slirk   I'm  ;«        ""  \  >""  angni .' 
WinZr 'a'„';  w^^rd  thattaylti  TatMrAll"  ""  '" 


better  is  risin  a  cenV  ortZolZ  '^Zl^  "T  f "'' 

>^ra.^":;;hT"ciSt^^^^ 

Lrlv  „^         i"  '"'"''  ""*'•  ^"'"i  Mr.  Slick,  with  thSt  ne,." 
harly  composed  manner  that  indicates  suppressed  S" 

Iws'^^s^ldl*  ttei'taru  Tr  ""^  "'f''  '^  '''''8">-  •■«" 
<?«■„•»  parts,  1  reckon ;  but  vou  are  rii^hf 

0  3^0  -:;  ^ia-LtiL-it r- 1- 

then  1  T!l  V"^"'^•     ^  ^^««  ^"  struck  up  of  a  heap 
«hen  I  seed  the  last  lot  I  got  from  the  States;  I  was  pro- 


100 


THE   CLOCKMAKER. 


i 


i      'i! 


perly  bit  by  them,  you  may  depend ;  tbey  didn't  pay  cost, 
tor  1  couldnt  recommend  them  with  a  clear  conscieni,  and 
1  must  sny  I  do  like  a  fair  deal,  for  I'm  straight  up  and 
down,  and  love  to  go  right  ahead,  that's  a  fact.     Did  vou 
ever  see  them  I  fetched  when  !  first  came,  them  I  sold  ov..r 
the  Bay  ?     No,  said  Mr.  Allen,  I  can't  say  I  did.     Well 
continued  he,  they  were  a  prime  article,  I  tell  you,  no  mis- 
take  there,  fit  for  any  market,  it's  generally  allowed  there 
amt  the  beat  of  them  to  be  found  any  where.     If  you  wanl 
a  clock,  and  can  lay  your  hands  on  one  of  them,  I  advise 
you  not  to  let  go  the  chance;  you'll  know  'em  by  the 
Lowell  mark,  for  they  were  all  made  at  Judge  Beler's  fac 
tory.     Squire  Shepody,  down  to  five  Islands,  axed  me  to 
get  him  one,  and  a  special  job  I  had  of  it,  near  about  more 
sarch  arter  it  than  it  was  worth,  but  I  did  get  him  one,  and 
a  particular  handsum  one  it  is,  copald  and  gilt  superior,     i 
guess  Its  worth  ary  half-dozen  in  these  parts,  let  tothers  be 
where  they  may.     If  I  could  a  got  supplied  with  the  like  o' 
hem,  1  could  a  rnade  a  grand  spec  out  of  them,  for  they 
took  at  once,  and  went  off  quick.     Have  you  got  it  with 
you,  said  Mr.  Allen,  I  should  like  to  see  it.     YesTi  have  it 
here,  all  done  up  m  tow,  as  snug  as  a  bird's  egg,  to  keep  it 
rom  jarnn,  for  it  hurts  'em  consumedly  to  jolt  'em  over 
them  are  etarnal  wooden  bridges.  But  it's  no  use  to  take  it 
out,  It  amt  for  sale,  it's  bespoke,  and  I  wouldn't  take  the  same 
rouble  to  get  another  for  twenty  dollars.     The  only  one 
hat  I  know  of  that  there's  any  chance  of  gettin,  is  one  that 
Increase  Crane  has  up  to  Wilmot,  they  say  he's  a  sell.n 

After  a  good  deal  of  persuasion,  Mr.  Slick  unpacked  the 
clock  but  protested  against  his  asking  for  it,  for  it  was  not 
for  sale.  It  was  then  exhibited,  every  part  explained  and 
praised  as  new  m  invention  and  perfect  in  workmanship. 
Now^M>^.  Allen  had  a  very  exalted  opinion  of  Squire  She- 
pody  s  taste,  judgment,  and  saving  knowledge;  and,  as  it 
was  the  last  and  only  chance  of  gettin  a  clock  of  such  su- 
per:or  quality,  he  offered  to  take  it  at  the  price  the  Squire 
was  to  have  it,  at  seven  pounds  ten  shillings.  But  Mr 
&lick  vowed  he  couldn't  part  with  it  at  no  rate,  he  didn't 
know  wh(;r3  he  could  get  the  like  agin,  (for  he  warn't  quite 


GULLING    A    BLUE-NOSF.. 


1(J7 


sure  about  Increase  Crane's)  and  the  Snni-  i-  ...hi  i 
n^unded  disappointed,  ho  couldn't  think  o,  j/^' '^ '^^  ^^''• 
t.on  to  the  difficulties  rose  tl^ardor  of  Mr  Allen  hisT'' 
advanced  to  £8,  to  £8  10s    to  =Pq     i  •? ',,  ^  "^^^''^ 

I  wish  I  ^^^^n^ileiTnZVLf-;Jt:^^^ 
refuse  you,  but  where  am  I  to  get  the  like?  aftprl.,  I  !i- 

Thrln  "^^.1'''''  ^"""^^  ^PP^^^»t  reluctance,  and  Se  ed 
the  money  with  a  protest  that,  cost  what  it  would,  he^S 
have  to  procure  another,  for  he  couldn't  think  of  putt  a 
the  Squire's  pipe  out  arter  that  fashion,  for  he  was  a  verf 
clever  man,  and  as  fair  as  a  bootjack.  "^^'^ 

pro  r!.r '  '""'^  ^''  ^1'"'^'  °«  ^^  proceeded  on  our  way  thai 

mimicking  h-s  voice  and  manner,  he  repeated  AHpn'.  Ih 
with  a  strong  nasal  twan^  «  Mn«t  tiJ^f  -^  ^^^^^ 

no  joke.    The  next  time  you  tell  stories  ahonf  YnnJ        j 
'hey  get  gulled  from  year's  eend  to  year^SLd     tvv 

...fed  in  attackin  some  half  doi"  p^s  VriVd^SktrflT 

r  h„»  ^T'  r^'  S'™-  "■  I  "'"s  Governor  I'd  pi»e  C 
the  butt  end  of  my  m  nd  on  th"  subiecl  I'H  ZJu^  ,i^ 
^tes  ,m  I  le,  some^ligh.  in  'em,  if  ft  SaTme.Vk °ow  '  ly 
W  lo  the  members,  don't  come  down  here  to  HaE  ,v„h 


rji 


10« 


TIIR   CLOCKMAKER. 


vour  IcK-krums  about  politics,  making  a  great  touss  about 
notliin,  but  open  the  country,  foster  agricultur,  encourago 
trade,  incorpo.ate  companies,  make  bridges,  facililete  con- 
veyance, and  above  all  things  make  a  railroad  from  Wind- 
sor to  Halifax ;  and  mind  what  I  tell  you  now,  write  it 
down  for  fear  you  should  forget  it,  for  it's  a  fact ;  and  if 
you  don't  believe  mo,  I'll  lick  you  till  you  do,  for  there  aint 
a  word  of  a  lie  in  it,  by  Gum :  One  such  work  as  the 
Windsor  Bridge  is  worth  all  your  laws,  votes,  speeches, 
and  i\.i'..i*i..,is,  for  the  last  ten  years,  if  tied  up  and  put 
into  a  meal  hag  together.  •  If  it  tante,  I  hope  I  may  be 
nhot. 


CHAPTER  XXXII. 


TOO  MANY  IRONS  IN  THE  FIRE. 

We  had  a  pleasant  sail  of  three  hours  from  Parrsborough 
to  Windsor.  The  arrivals  and  departures  by  water  are 
regulated  at  this  place  by  the  tide,  and  it  was  sunset  before 
we  reached  Mrs.  Wilcox's  comfortable  inn.  Here,  as  at 
other  places,  Mr.  Slick  seemed  to  be  perfectly  at  home ;  and 
he  pointed  to  a  wooden  clock,  as  a  proof  of  his  successful 
and  extended  trade,  and  of  the  universal  influence  of  *  soft 
sawder,'  and  a  knowledge  of  *  human  natur.'  Taking  out 
a  penknife,  he  cut  off*  a  splinter  from  a  stick  of  firewood, 
and  balancing  himself  on  one  leg  of  his  chair,  by  the  aid 
of  his  right  foot,  commenced  his  favourite  amusement  of 
whittling,  which  he  generally  pursued  in  silence.  Indeed 
it  appeared  to  have  become  with  him  an  indispensable 
ftccompaniment  of  reflection. 

He  sat  in  this  abstracted  manner,  until  he  had  manu- 
factured into  delicate  shavings  the  whole  of  his  raw  material, 
when  -he  very  deliberately  resumed  a  position  of  more  ease 
and  security,  by  resting  his  legs  on  two  chairs  instead  of 
one,  and  putting  both  his  feet  on  the  mantelpiece.  Then, 
Jlftoting   his   cigar,  he   said   in   his   usual  quiet   manner 


V,  write  it 


TOO  M.vy  moATs  m   the  rmE.  j^y 

are  like  portable  soup,  an  ama/iu  Z  "  ?    T""*^'     ^^^^y 
compass.    They  an-  what  f  v^tl  °^  '"""^'  '"  «  «"ia» 

used  to  say,  Pd^as^ives  have  -  Tt  ^^^'^^'^^'  Father 
doctor  as  ire  a  ProEr  in  fh  i^'n  ^°™e«P"n.  self-taught 
New  York  V  atSZ?  for'  &.'^^  P»^iladelphia'or 
l^now  by  experience,  and  iot  by  wT,f  ^"^^  they 
everythinff,  it's  hearin  i,n^.\^'  oooks,  and  experience  s 
u  feller  must  i  aTr^  fool^^^^^^^  ^^^  '^rter  that 

beauty  of  old  proverbs     tTev  a^  n    »      "°''-     ^^^''«  ^^e 
and  as  short  a'nd  stt.^f  s'ug\"  c"    7  No^'P  ''"^' 

it  v?a7aii%rSv!Srwrr  i^vr'^y^^^^^'^-^oro', 

caustic.     Wdlthe  D  um  tr       k  *!'  u^^  ^  ^"^^^  ^"^bed  with 

years  ago,  and\t7al,"Silrand  th^H^''"^  ^''''^  ^  ^'^ 
will  go  for  it  too    Thl  r„ .   '  u     "^®  ^'^^"y  ^^^^s  I  concait 

same^^  black  Ms^  tdTol  tl  T,°."  ''.T'^  ^'^^  t»^« 
you  sec  a  place  alLon.    n  i  ^° /«ok  I,ke  old  Scratch.    If 

you  may  JeJ^ "  ^ « St^  i^^'o^n  U^  T'T' 

know  whenTcome  bacrn'"^  "  ^."^^  ">^^"^  ^»'«  ^^  ^ 
once  used  to  it      WeH  wh  n^  T"^^"*  ^^  ^o  arter  th;yare 
and  I  was  forced  to  h^^I^  ?  [  ^f^'^"^^'  '  '^"^^^^d  no  one! 
afore  f  left  it  with  hiT  so  In.!?"''  "  "^'^^  i'"^  ^^^^  ^^^  ^^ 
every  man's  pluccs'that'  Zl  ont:  rS  °'^t  f  ^"^"^ 
there  m  the  big  house?  says  l-lfv/^r^l      ,  ^^.'^^^s  up 
pretty  considei-able  improtemenrtV       "'^. '•^^atio"  that. 
A.  B.'s ;  ho  was  welHo  rrfhl  '  fl"*     ^  ^y'  S'^'  ^^at^s 
upper  lip  and  keTred  for  no  one .  h'/was"::'  T^^ '  "  ^^'^ 
aristocrats,  wore  a  long-tailed  coat  a^d  a Tffl  /"iT- ^T^ 
he  must  take  to  shin  hi,?M;^  =  5  u  '         *  ^""'^'^  shirt,  but 
-idl.too  nmnHfo'  t"^^^^^^^^^  Oh 

where  the  piers  are  in  thi  nnf.*     t' i^^f'  ^^'^  "^xt  farm 
Sir  that'«  r  n  '      J.         P^^'^^°®  ^^'^'  '^hose  is  that  ?     Oh 

asinylno^f;.?;;,'^^:,^-^-/^-^^^^^^ 

J'  j^        ma.€,  but  he  sot  up  for  an  Assembly. man 


no 


TUB   CLOCKMAKiSR. 


I     1 1  :i)l 


V' 


and  qxined  a  Store,  and  thing   \fcnt  agin  him  somehow,  hi 
liad  no  luck  artcii-wards.     1  hear  his  place  is  mortj^aged 
mid  they've  got  him  cited  in  chancery.     '  The  black  knob' 
is  on  him,  said  I.     The  black  what,  Sir,  says  blue-nose 
Nothin,  saj^  I.     But  the  «ext,  who  improves  that  house  1 
Why  that's  E,  F's. ;  he  ^^s  the  greatest  farmer  in  these 
narts,  another  oC  the  arialjjgacy,  had  a  most  noble  stock 
--'o'  cattle^and  the  matter  dPsoipe  hundreds  out  in  jint  notes! 
well  he  took  the  contract  foi'  beef  with  the  troops ;   and 
he  fell  astarn,  so  I  guess  it's  a  gone  goose  with  him.     He'i 
heavy  mortgaged.     'T^  many  irons'  agin^said  I.     Who 
lives  to  the  left  there? 'that  man  has  a  most  special  fine 
intervale,  and  a  grand  orchard  too,  he  must  be  a  good  mark 
that.     Well  he  was  once.  Sir,  a  few  years  aRo ;  but  he 
built  a  fuUin  mill,  and  a  cardin  mill,  and  put  up  a  lumber 
establishment,  and  si)eculated  in  the  West  Indy  line,  but 
the  dum  was  carried  away  by  the  freshets,  the  lumber  fell, 
and  faith  he  fell  too ;  he's  shot  up,  he  han't  been  scc'd  these 
two  years,  his  farm  is  a  common,  and  fairly  run  out.     Oh, 
said  1, 1  understand  now,  my  man,  these  folks  had  too  many 
irons  in  the  fire,  you  see,  and  some  on  'cm  have  got  burnt. 
I  never  heerd  tell  of  it,  says  blue-nose ;  ihcy  might,  but 
not  to  my  knowledge ;  and  he  scratched  his  head  and  looked 
as  if  he   would  ask  the  mt.anin  of  it,  but  didn't  like  to. 
Arter  that  I  axed  no  more  questions ;  I  knew  a  mortgaged 
farm  as  far  as  I  could  see  it.     There  was  a  strong  family 
likeness  in  'em  all— the  same  ugly  features,  the  same  cast 
o'  countenance.     The  *  black  knob'  was  discernible— there 
was  no  mistake — barn  doors  broken  off— fences  burnt  up- 
glass  out  of  windows — more  white  crops  than  green— and 
both  looking  weedy — no  wood  pile,  no  sarce  garden,  no 
compost,  no  stock — moss  in  the  mowin  lands,  thistles  in  the 
ploughed  lands,  and   neglect  every  where— skinnin   had 
commenced— takin  all  out  and  puttin  nothin  in— gittin  ready 
for  a  move,  so  as  to  leave  nothin  behind.     Flittin  time  had 
come.    Foregatherin,  for  foreclosin.   Preparin  to  curse  and 
quit.— That  beautiful  river  we  came  up  to  day,  what  super 
fme  farms  it  has  on  both  sides  of  it,  hante  it  ?  it's  a  sighi 
to  behold.     Our  folks  have  no  notion  of  such  a  country  so 
far  down  east,  beyond  creation  most,  as  Nova  Scotia  is.     If 
i  was  to  draw  up  an  account  of  it  for  the  Slickville  Gazette? 


rOO   MANV    IRONS   Iff    THE    FIRE. 


v 


t 


i  guevs  few  would  accept  it  a.s  a  bona  fide  drall,  witliout 
donu)  sponsible  man  to  indorse  it,  that  uarnt  given  to  flam- 
inin.  'J'hey'd  say  there  was  a  land  speculation  to  the  bottom 
of  it,  or  a  water  privilege  to  put  into  the  rni^rket,  or  a 
plaister  rock  to  get  ofF,  or  some  such  scheme.  They  woidd 
1  vsnore.  But  I  hope  I  may  never  see  daylight  tigin,  if 
here's  sich  a  country  in  ail  our  great  nation,  as  th^  t)i-cii> 
ty  of  Windsor. 

Now  its  jist  as  like  as  not,  some  goncv  of  a  blue-noso 
hat  sce'd  us  from  his  fields,  sailin  alfup  full  split,  with 
fuir  wind  on  thd  packet,  went  right  off  home  and  said  to  his 
wile,  ♦  Now  do  for  gracious  sake,  mother,  jist  look  hero,  and 
see  how  slick  thorn  folks  go  along;  and  that  Captain  has 
nothm  to  do  all  day,  but  sit  straddle  legs  across  his  tiller, 
and  order  about  his  sailors,  or  talk  like  a  gentleman  to  his 
passengers :    he's  got  most   as   easy  a  time  of  it  as  Ami 
Cuttle  has,  since  he  took  up  the  fur  trade,  a  snarin  rabbits. 
I  guess  I'll  buy  a  vessel,  and  leave  the  lads  to  do  the  plowin 
and  little  chores,  they've  growed  up  now  to  be  considerable 
lumps  of  boys.     Well  away  he'll  go,  hot  foot,  (for  I  know 
tlie  critters  better  nor  they  know  themselves)  and  he'll  go 
and  buy  some  old  wrack  of  a  vessel,  to  carry  plaister,  and 
mortgage  his  farm  to  pay  for  her.     The  vessel  will  jam 
him  up  tight  for  repairs  and  new  riggin,  and  the  Sheriff 
will  soon  pay  him  a  visit ;  (and  he's  a  most  particular  trou- 
blesome visiter  that ;  if  he  once  only  gets  a  slight  how-d'ye- 
do  acquaintance,  he  becomes  so  amazin  intimate  arterwards, 
a  comin  in  without  knockin,  and  a  runnin  in  and  out  at  all 
hours,  and  makin  so  plaguy  free  and  easy,  its  about  as 
much  as  a  bargain  if  you  can  get  clear  of  him  arterwards.) 
Benipt  by  the  tide,  and  benipt  by  the  Sheriff,  the  vessel 
makes  short   work   with   him.     Well,  the  upshot  is,  the 
larm  gets  neglected  while  Captain  Cuddy  is  to  sea  &  drogin 
of  plaister.     The  thistles  run  over  his  grain  fields,  his  cat- 
t  e  run  over  his  hay  land,  the  interest  runs  over  its  time, 
the  mortgage  runs  over  all,  and  at  last  he  jist  runs  over  to 
the  hnes  to  Eastport,  himself.     And  when  he  finds  himself 
Jlierc,  0  standin  in  the  street,  near  Major  Pine's  tavern,  with 
his  hands  in  his  trowser  pockets,  a  chasin  of  a  stray  shillin 
fiom  one  eend  of  'em  to  another,  afore  he  can  catch  it,  to 


i 

11* 


172 


TMK   CLOCKMAKER. 


p  If!  I 


swap  for  a  diniioi,  wont  no  look  like  a  ravin  dislractetl  fool 
that's  all  ?  He'll  feel  about  as  streaked  as  I  did  once,  a 
ridin  down  the  St.  John  river.  It  was  the  fore  part  of 
March — I'd  been  up  to  Fredericton  a  speculatin  in  a  small 
matter  of  lumber,  and  wns  rt>turnln  to  the  city,  a  gallopin 
along  on  one  of  old  Jiuntin's  horses,  on  the  ice,  and  all  at 
once  I  missed  my  horse,  he  went  right  slap  in  and  ^lid 
under  the  ice  out  of  sight  as  quick  as  wink,  and  there  I  was 
a  standin  all  alone.  Well,  says  I,  what  the  dogs  has  be- 
come of  my  horse  and  portmantle  1  they  have  given  me  a 
proper  dodge,  that's  a  fact.  That  is  a  narrer  squeak,  it 
fairly  bangs  all.  Well,  I  guess  he'll  feel  near  about  aa 
ugly,  when  he  finds  himself  brought  up  all  standin  that 
way ;  and  it  will  come  so  sudden  on  him,  he'll  say,  why  it 
aint  possible  I've  lost  farm  and  vessel  both,  in  tu  tu's  that 
way,  but  I  don't  see  neither  on  'em.  Ecstport  is  near  about 
all  made  up  of  folks  who  have  had  to  cut  and  run  for  it. 

I  was  down  there  last  fall,  and  who  should  I  see  but 
Thomas  Rigby,  of  Windsor.  He  knew  me  the  minit  he 
laid  eyes  upon  me,  foi  I  had  sold  him  a  clock  the  summer 
afore.  (I  got  paid  for  it,  though,  for  I  see'd  he  had  too 
many  irons  in  the  fire  not  to  get  some  on  'em  burnt ;  and 
besides,  I  knew  every  fall  and  spring  the  wind  set  in  for  the 
lines  from  Windsor,  very  strong — a  regular  trade  wind — 
a  sort  of  monshune,  that  blows  all  one  way,  for  a  long  time 
without  shifliin.)  Well,  I  felt  proper  sorry  for  him,  for  he 
was  a  very  clever  man,  and  looked  cut  up  dreadfully,  and 
amazin  down  in  the  mouth.  Why,  says  I,  possible  !  is  that 
you  Mr.  Rigby  ?  why,  as  I  am  alive !  if  that  aint  my  old 
friend — why  how  do  you  ?  Hearty,  I  thank  you,  said  he, 
how  be  you  1  Reasonable  well,  I  give  you  thanks,  says  I , 
but  wliat  on  airth  brought  you  here  ?  Why,  says  he,  Mr. 
Slick,  I  couldn't  well  avoid  it ;  times  are  uncommon  dull 
over  the  bay ;  there's  nothin  stirrin  there  this  year,  and 
never  will  I'm  thinkin.  No  mortal  soul  can  live  in  Nova 
Scotia.  I  do  believe  that  our  country  was  made  of  a  Satur- 
day night,  arter  ull  the  rest  of  the  Univarse  was  finished. 
One  half  of  it  has  go^  ull  the  ballast  of  Noah's  ark  thrown 
out  there;  and  the  other  half  is  eat  up  by  Bankers,  Law- 
y^rs,  and  othc  great  folks.     All  our  money  goes  to  pay 


TOO    MANY    IRONS    IN    THE    FIRE. 


173 


BaTaues,  and  a  poor  man  has  no  chance  at  all.     Well  savs 
I,  are  you  done  up  stock  aad  fluke— a  total  wrack  f '  No 
Bays  he,  I  have  two  hundred  pounds  left  yet  to  the  ffood! 
but  my  farm,  stock,  and  utensils,  them  young  blood  horses 
and  the  bran  new  vessel  I  was  a  buildin,  are  all  cone  to 
pot,  swept  as  clean  as  a  thrashin  floor,  that's  a  fact ;  Shark 
and  Co  took  all.     Well  says  I,  do  you  know  the  reason 
of  all  that  misfortm?     Oh,  says  he,  any  fool  can  tell  that, 
bad  times  to  be  sure— every  thing  has  turned  agin  thecoun. 
try,  the  banks  have  it  all  their  own  way,  and  much  good 
may  It  do  'em.     Well,  says  I,  what's  the  reason  the  banks 
dont  eat  us  up  too,  for  1  guess  they  are  as  hungry  as 
youra  be,  and  no  way  particular  about  their  food  neither: 
considerable  sharp  set-cut  like  razors,  you  may  depend! 
1 11  tell  you,  says  I,  how  you  got  that  are  slide,  that  sent 
you  heels  over  head—'  You  had  too  many  irons  in  the  fire.' 
lou  hadn  t  ought  to  have  taken  hold  of  ship  buildin  at  all 
you  knowed  nothin  about  it  ?  you  should  have  stuck  to 
your  farm,  and  your  farm  would  have  stuck  to  you.    Now 
go  back  aforo  you  spend  your  money,  go  up  to  Douglas, 
and  you'l   buy  as  good  a  farm  for  two  hundred  pounds  as 
what  you  lost,  and  see  to  that,  and  to  that  only,  and  you'll 
grow  rich.     As  for  banks,  they  can't  hurt  a  country  no 
great,  I  guess,  except  by  breakin,  and  I  concait  there's  no 
fear  of  yourn  breakin ;  and  as  for  lawyers,  ana  them  kind 
o  heavy  coaches,  give  'em  half  the  road,  and  if  they  run 
ajim  you,  take  the  law  of  'em.     Undivided,  vnremitHn  at. 
tentwn  paid  to  one  thing,  in  nincty-nine  cases  out  of  a  km- 
dred,  will  ensure  success;  but  you  know   the  old  savin 
about '  too  many  irons.'' 

Now,  says  I,  Mr.  R,gby,  what  o'clock  is  it?  Why,  say* 
he,  the  moon  is  up  a  piece,  I  guess  it's  seven  o'clock  or 
hereabouts.  I  suppose  it's  time  to  be  a  movin.  Stop,  saya 
l,Jist  come  with  me,  I  got  a  rael  nateral  curiosity  to  show 
you_such  a  thing  as  you  never  laid  your  eyes  on  in  Nova 
bcotia,  Iknow.  So  we  walked  along  towards  the  beach, 
Mow,  says  I,  look  at  that  are  man,  old  Lunar,  and  his  son 
a  sawin  plank  by  moonlight,  for  thai  are  vessel  on  tho 
socks  there;  come  agin  to  morrow  mornin  afore  you  can 
cleverly  discarn  objects  the  matter  of  a  yard  or  so  aforo 
15  * 


174 


Ik 


I  i  I* .  ''f 


i 


TilE    CLOCKiMAKER. 


you,  and  you  II  find  'em  at  it  agin.  I  guess  that  >e8se. 
wont  ruinate  those  folks.  Thep  knmo  their  business  and 
stick  to  it.  Well,  away  went  Rigby,  considerable  sulky 
(for  he  had  no  notion  that  it  was  his  own  fault,  he  laid  all 
the  blame  on  the  folks  to  Halifax,)  but  I  guess  he  was  a 
little  grain  posed,  fbr  back  he  went,  and  bought  to  Sowack 
where  I  hear  he  has  a  better  farm  than  he  had  afore. 

I  mind  once  we  had  an  Irish  gall  as  a  dairy  help  ;  well 
we  had  a  wicked  devil  of  a  cow,  and  she  kicked  over  the 
milk  pail,  and  in  ran  Dora,  and  swore  the  Bogle  did  it ;  jist 
so  poor  Rigby,  he  wouldn't  allow  it  to  be  nateral  causes, 
but  laid  it  all  to  politics.  Talkin  of  Dora,  puts  me  in  mind 
of  the  galls,  for  she  warnt  a  bad  lookin  heifer  that :  my ! 
what  an  eye  she  had,  and  I  concaited  she  had  a  particular 
small  foot  and  ankle  too,  when  I  helped  her  up  once  into 
the  hay  mow,  to  sarch  for  eggs ;  but  I  cant  exactly  say,  for 
when  she  brought  'em  in,  mother  shook  her  head  and  said 
it  was  dangerous ,  she  said  she  might  fall  through  and  hurt 
herself,  and  always  sent  old  Snow  arterwards.  She  was  a 
considerable  of  a  long  headed  woman,  was  mother,  she 
could  see  as  far  ahead  as  most  folks.  She  warnt  born  yes- 
tf  fday,  I  guess.  But  that  are  proverb  is  true  as  respects 
the  galls  too.  Whenever  yo  see  one  on  'em  with  a  whole 
lot  of  sweethearts,  it's  an  even  chance  if  she  gets  married 
to  any  on  'em.  One  cools  off,  and  another  cools  off,  and 
before  she  brings  any  one  on  'em  to  the  right  weldin  heat, 
the  coal  is  gone  and  the  fire  is  out.  Then  she  may  blow 
and  blow  till  she's  tired  ;  she  may  blow  up  a  dust,  but  the 
deuce  of  a  flame  can  she  blow  up  agin  to  save  her  soul 
alive.  I  never  see  a  clever  iookin  gall  in  danger  of  that, 
I  don't  long  to  whisper  in  he/  ear,  you  dear  little  critter, 
you,  take  care,  you  have  too  many  irons  in  the  Jire^  somt 
on  'em  will  get  stone  cold,  and  tother  ones  will  get  burnt  so 
ihey^ll  never  be  no  good  in  natur. 


WlWDSOh    AKD   THE    PAR    WEST 


1?6 


CHAPTER  XXXIII. 

WINDSOR  AND  THE  FAR  WEW. 

The  text  mornin  the  Clockmaker  proposed  to  talo  » 
d  ive  round  the  neighbourhood.     You  LdK  out  8av«  fie 

tion;    here  aint  the  beat  of  it  to  be  found  anywhe  e 

feel  to  home,  and  who  intend  to  up  killoch  and  rf?  .» 

hflll',  ^M '"'''S  "!"■  8™"'  '"-^  «  >"«■•  witrr  ore  head 

mT  when  vou  adH  ''f™'''-'-'^' ^-i '%  ■a'-'-at  i.  .n  oL^ , 
w  When  you  add  their  numbers  lo  Ihe  liraid  ones,  IW 


'•il 


I 


ite 


THE    CLOCKMAKER. 


I 


Stingy  ones,  the  ignorant  ones,  and  the  poor  ones,  that  are 
lo  be  found  in  every  place,  why  the  few  smart  spiri'ed 
ones  that's  left,  are  too  few  to  do  any  thing,  and  so  nothin 

is  done.     It  appears  to  me  if  I  was  a  blue-nose  I'd 

but  thank  fortin  I  aint,  so  I  sayr.  nothin — but  there  is  some- 
thin  that  aint  altogether  jist  right  in  this  country,  that's  a 
fact. 

But  what  a  country  this  Bay  country  is,  isn't  it  ?  Look 
nt  that  mcdder,  beant  it  lovely  ?  The  Prayer  Eyes  of  the 
lllanoy  are  the  top  of  the  ladder  with  us,  but  these  dykes 
take  the  shine  off  them  by  a  long  chalk,  that's  sartin. 
The  land  in  out  far  west,  it  is  generally  allowed  can't  be 
no  better ;  what  you  plant  is  sure  to  grow  and  yield  well 
and  food  is  so  cheap,  you  can  live  there  for  half  nothin. 
But  it  don't  agree  with  us  New  England  folks ;  we  don't 
enjoy  good  health  there  ;  and  what  in  the  world  is  the  use 
of  food,  if  you  have  such  an  etarnal  dyspepsy  you  can't 
digest  it.  A  man  can  hardly  live  there  till  next  grass, 
afore  he  is  in  the  yaller  leaf.  Just  like  one  of  our  bran 
new  vessels  built  down  in  Maine,  of  the  best  hackmatack, 
or  what's  better  still,  of  our  real  American  live  oak,  (and 
that's  allowed  to  be  about  the  best  in  the  world)  send  her 
off  to  the  West  Indies,  and  let  her  lie  there  awhile,  and  the 
worms  will  riddle  her  bottom  all  full  of  holes  like  a  tin  cul- 
lender, or  a  board  with  a  grist  of  duck  shot  thro'  it,  you 
wouldn't  believe  what  a  bore  they  be.  Well,  that's  jist  the 
case  with  thfe  western  climate.  The  heat  takes  the  solder 
out  of  the  kr.ees,  and  elbows,  weakens  the  joints,  and 
makes  the  frame  ricketty. 

Besides,  we  like  the  smell  of  the  Salt  Water,  it  seems 
kinder  nateral  to  us  New  Englanders.  AVe  can  make 
more  a  plowin  of  the  seas,  than  plowin  of  a  pra-  or  eye. 
It  v/ould  take  a  bottom  near  about  as  long  as  Cor  necticut 
river,  to  raise  wheat  enough  to  buy  the  cargo  of  a  Nan- 
tucket whaler,  or  a  Salem  tea  ship.  And  then  to  leav 
one's  folks,  and  native  place,  where  one  was  raised,  halter 
broke,  and  trained  t  ^o  in  gear,  and  exchange  all  th- 
comforts  of  the  Old  States,  for  ihcm  arc  now  ones,  don 
beem  to  go  down  well  at  all.  Why  the  very  sight  of  the 
Yankee  galls  is  good  for  sore  eyes,  the  dear  little  critteri?, 


WINDSOR    AND    THE    FAR    WEST.  177 

Jhey  do  look  so  scrumntious.  I  tell  you,  with  their  cheoks 
bloornm  hke  a  red  rose  budded  on  a  ^hite  one,  and  their 
eyes  nke  Mrs  Adams's  diamonds  (that  foll.s  say  sh  nel 

vn^^r  f^  V  .  ^'•^««,«-J«<^^„-'  't  fairly  makes  one's  mo.iih 
water  to  thmk  on  'em.     But  it's  nb  use  talkin,  thev  a m 

S^Tr      '  ^*'.  ^*'''»"ge  them    are  splendid  white  water 
•ihes   of  Connecticut   and   Rhode   Island,   for   the   yauZ 
crocusses  of  Illanoy,  is  what  we  dont  lik;.     It  goes^mos 
confoundedly  agm   the   grain,  I  tell  you.     Poof  critterf 

s:';;"dfa^'£irT^t^'^^'  ^'^^^'  ^'^^^  ^^^^^  -  ''^^""- 
fitr  tK  f  'i  •  ^  little  peepers  are  as  dull  as  a  boiled  cod- 
fish,  the  r  skin  looks  like  yaller  fever,  and  thev  seem  a" 
mouth  like  a  crocodile.     And  that's  iot  the  wor^t  of 

ovtr  with'"h:r?\^"'"^"  ""^^'"^  ''  grow  salle  "Iff  a 
over  with  her;  she's  up  a  tree  then  vou  may  depend 
«^ere's  no  mistake.     You  can  no  more  brir^bacner 

touched  n^V^fTrl^  ^^'^^  '^  ^  '^^  ^^'^  '-"  has 
fact  AnS  tW'  ;  'r  ^^^  g««««  ^^'^J'  ^er,  that's  a 
lact.  And  that  snot  all,  for  the  temper  is  plarruv  ant  to 
change  with  the  cheek  too.  When  the  freshnesf  ^f  I'^'uth 
IS  on  the  move,  the  sweetness  of  temper  is  ^mnvJ  ITl 
st^t  along  with  it.     A  bilious  ckJlTZ  rso^Tempra  : 

atw.  n  them.     The  one  is  a  sign  board,  with  the  namn 

Krow'thi'"ca"n?"'"/"r  ''  "'  '^  ^^"^^«'     ^^    '^'^  ^Tnt 
finirJ^t  '         u  T^'  ^  S"ess.     It's  no  use  to  cry  over 

wlTn   L-""^  '"  ^^^'  ^."^ ''''  ^'*«^«r  «^i<l  than  done  that 

seems  nrinl  h"  ""fu*^"^'  ,'°^"^'  ^"^  ^heir  frettin  only 
seems  to  make  the  thorns  look  sharper.  Our  ministei 
mied  to  say  to  sister  Sail,  (and  when  she  was  /ounnhc 
was  a  rael  witch,  a  most  an  everlastin  sweet  irlTsallv 
he  used  to  say,  now's  the  time  to  larn  whli  vou  are' 
^Tafn'' w"  T\r'  "I"'  '^^'^  -^  theTragrare  ^Sl 


'  I 


178 


THE   CLOCKMAKER. 


when  he  made 


I 


fa,  I ; 


such 
whc» 


minisler'a  courtin  days  warnt  over, 
pretty  speeches  as  that  are  to  the  galls.  Now, 
would  go  to  expose  his  wife  or  his  darters,  or  himself,  to 
the  dangers  of  such  a  climate,  for  the  sake  of  30  bushels 
of  wheat  to  the  acre,  instead  of  15.  There  seems  a 
kinder  somethin  in  us  that  rises  in  our  throat  when  we 
think  on  it,  and  wont  let  us.  We  dont  like  it.  Givo 
me  the  shore,  and  let  them  that  like  the  Far  West,  go 
there,  I  say. 

This  place  is  as  fertile  as  lllanoy  or  Ohio,  as  healthy  as 
any  part  of  the  globe,  and  right  along  side  of  the  salt  wa- 
ter ;  but  the  folks  want  three  things — Industry,  Enterprize, 
Economy;  these  blue-noses  don't  know  how  to  valy  this 
location — only  look  at  it,  and  see  what  a  place  for  bisness  it 
is — the  centre  of  the  Province — the  nateral  capital  of  the 
Basin  of  Minas,  and  part  of  the  Bay  of  Fundy — the  grea\ 
thoroughfare  to  St.  John,  Canada,  and  the  United  States— 
the  exports  of  lime,  gypsum,  freestone  and  grindstone — the 
dykes— ^but  it's  no  use  talkin  ;  I  wish  we  had  it,  that's  all. 
Our  folks  are  like  a  rock  maple  tree — stick  'em  in  any 
where,  butt  eend  up  and  top  down,  and  they  will  take  root 
and  grow ;  but  put  'em  in  a  rael  good  soil  like  this,  and 
give  'em  a  fair  chance,  and  they  will  go  a  head  and  thrive 
right  off,  most  amazin  f  it,  that's  a  fact.  Yes,  if  we  had 
it  we  would  make  another  guess  place  of  it  from  what  it  is 
In  one  year  we  would  have  a  rail-road  to  Halifax,  which, 
unlike  the  stone  that  killed  two  birds,  would  be  the  makin 
of  both  places.  I  often  tell  the  folks  this,  but  all  they  can 
say,  is,  oh  we  are  too  poor  and  too  young.  Says  I,  You 
put  me  in  mind  of  a  great  long  legged,  long  tail  colt  father 
had.  He  never  changed  his  name  of  colt  as  long  as  he 
lived,  and  he  was  as  old  as  the  hills ;  and  though  he  had 
the  best  of  feed,  was  as  thin  as  a  whippin  post.  He  was 
colt  all  his  days — always  young — always  poor ;  and  young 
and  poor  you'll  be  I  guess  to  the  eend  of  the  chapter. 

On  our  return  to  the  Inn,  the  weather,  which  had  been 
threatening  for  sometime  past,  became  very  tompestuous. 
h  rained  for  three  successive  days,  and  the  roads  were 
almost  impassable.  To  continue  my  journey  was  wliolly 
out  of  the  question.  I  determined,  therefore,  to  take  a 
seat  in  the  coach  for  Halifax,  and  defer  until  next  year  the 


WINDSOR    AND    THE    FAR    WEST. 


179 


emaining  part  of  my  tour.     Mr.  Slick  agreed  to  meet  mo 
here  m  June,  and  to  provide  for  me  the  same  conveyancf* 
1  had  used  from  Amherst.    I  look  forward  with  much  plea- 
sure  to  our  meetmg  again.     His  manner  and  idiom  were  to 
me  perfectly  new  and  very  amusing,-  while  his  good  sound 
sense,  searching  observation,  and  queer  humour,  rendered 
nis  conversation  at  once  valuable  and  interesting.     Thero 
are  many  subjects  on  which  I  should  like  to  draw  him  out 
and  I  promise  myself  a  fund  of  amusement  in  his  remarks 
on  the  state  of  society  and  manners  at  Halifax,  and  the 
machinery  of  the  local  government,  on  both  of  which  he 
appears  to  entertain  many  original  and  some  very   iust 
opinions.  ■'    •' 

As  he  took  leave  of  me  in  the  coach,  he  whispered,  <  In- 
side  of  your  great  big  cloak  you  will  find  wrapped  up  a 
box,  containin  a  thousand  rael  genuine  first  chop  Havanahs 
—no  mistake— the  clear  thing.  When  you  smoke  'em, 
think  sometimes  of  your  old  companion, '  Sam  Slick  thb 

oLOCKMAKER.' 


Til£    KIVO 


lANKEE  STOKIES 


PAET  SECOND, 


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ro 


COLONEL  C.  R.  FOX, 


In  consequence  of  the  favourable  opinion  ex- 
pressed by  you  of  the  First  Series  of  The  Clock- 
maker,  an  English  Publisher  was  induced  to 
reprint  it  in  London;  and  I  am  indebtrd  to  that 
circumstance  for  an  unexpected  introduction,  not 
only  to  the  British  Publisher,  but  to  that  of  the 
United  States.  The  very  flattering  reception  it 
met  with  in  both  countries  has  given  rise  to  the 
present  volume,  which,  as  it  owes  its  origin  to 
you,  offers  a  suitable  opportunity  of  expressing 
the  thanks  of  the  Author  for  this  and  other  sub 
sequent  acts  of  kindness. 

As  a  political  work  I  cannot  hope  that  you 
will  approve  of  all  the  sentiments  contained  in  it, 
for  politics  are  peculiar .;  and  besides  the  broad 

(3) 


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.>V^n.  W. 


IMAGE  EVALUATION 
TEST  TARGET  (MT-3) 


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Photograpliic 

Sdences 

Corporation 


23  WEST  MAIN  STSBET 

WEBSTER,  N.Y.  14580 

(716)  872-4503 


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DEDICATION. 


lines  that  divide  parties,  there  are  smaller  shades 
of  difference  that  distinguish  even  those  who 
usually  act  together ;  but  humour  is  the  common 
property  of  all,  and  a  neutral  ground  on  which 
men  of  opposite  sides  may  cordially  meet  each 
other.  As  such,  it  affords  me  great  pleasure  to 
inscribe  the  work  to  you  as  a  mark  of  the  re- 
spect and  esteem  ot 

THE  AUTHOR. 

Nova  Scotia, 
3l8t  April,  1888. 


CONTENTS  OP  PART  SECOND. 


Qiftptar 

1.  The  Meeting P         , 

2.  The  Voluntary  Syatem Iq 

3.  Training  a  Carriboo 

4.  Nick  Bradshaw  . . . , 
5 


21 

27 


46 
53 

62 
72 
79 

86 
93 


Travelling  in  America go 

6.  Elective  Councils 

7.  Slavery   

8.  Talking  Latin 

9.  The  Snow  Wreath !!.!!*.!.! 

10.  The  Talisman -!!!!!!!!.!!!!!! 

11.  Italian  Paintings  

12.  Shampooing  the  English 

13.  Putting  a  Foot  in  it jqj 

14.  English  Aristocracy  and  Yankee  Mobocracy 109 

15.  Confessions  of  a  Deposed  Minister jjg 

16.  Canadian  Politics ^og 

17.  A  Cure  for  Smuggling ige 

18.  Taking  off  the  Factory  Ladie 142 

19.  The  Schoolmaster  Abroad I  cq 

20.  The  Wrong  Room *'  jgQ 

?1.  Finding  a  Mare's  Nest I  go 

22.  Keeping  up  the  Steam l^g 

83.  The  Clockmaker*8  parting  AdWoe »•...• 185 

1*  (») 


\ 

Clo( 
of  J 
min 
and 
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sprii 
that 
nihil 
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pear 
T 
mat? 
and 
Cult 
perlj 
'.ohi 

lO  CO 

Mucl 
perfo 
haste 
effect 
sion, 
mind 
VV 
to  hir 
reallj 
Well, 
afore 


THE    CLOCKMAKER. 


CHAPTER  I. 

THE   MEETING. 

nTi'^'^l^^  has  condescended  to  read  the  First  Series  of  *he 
of  SnTdn''  V^^  Sayings  and  Doings  of  Mr.  Samuel  Slick. 

minld  J  St-""!,"  ''?°"''^  '^^'  ^"-^  *°"^  «^  Nova  Scotia  ter- 
minated  at  Windsor  last  autumn,  in  consequence  of  bad  roads 
and  bad  weather,  and  that  it  was  mutually  agreed  upon  be- 
tween  us  to  resume  it  in  the  following  spriL.  But  ab  ■ 
thaHS?"'  J^^T'""  ^"  '^'''  '°"«try^he  name  of 
nih  P^  ^tI  TT"  ^^  ^^^  y?^^'  ^"^  '^  '^  "Vox  et  preterea 
hln     r        ?  ^^""^  fP*''^  ^^^^  intervenes  between  the  dissolu- 

DenatiL'''"v'  ^fr^^  • ''^^  °^  '""^'"^^  ^^^^''^^^  "ot  the  ap- 
Sn  T;^  J^g^!^'»°», '«  s«  rapid  here,  that  the  valleys  are 

There  is  a  strong  similarity  between  the  native  and  his  cli. 

Zl  k'  u  T-t-''  r^^^^  y*""*^'  ^"^  t^«  otl^er  w"hout  spring, 
and  both  exhibit  the  effects  of  losing  that  preparatory  seasof 
Cultratzon  tsu^antzng.  Neither  the  mind  nor  the  soil  is  pro- 
perly  prepared.  There  is  no  time.  The  farmer  is  compelled 
.0  hurry  through  all  his  field  operations  as  he  best  can,  ^o  as 

MuohT  '  ^r^  ^^  '^^  g'^""^  '"  ^^'"^  to  ^n«"re  a  crop. 
Much  IS  unavoidably  omitted  that  ought  to  be  done,  and  all  is 

ha  eT  nh "  ^  tr'^'''.  ""^.  ^^°^^'^y  "'^""^••-  The  same 
effil  „  k'^'-^u^  '•  ^^"^^t^o"'  ^"d  is  attended  with  similar 
ettects ,  a  boy  is  hurried  to  school,  from  school  to  a  pr.r^s. 

S  u  u  ""  i^^"''^  '^  '^"*  ^«rt^  into  the  world  before  nis 
mind  has  been  duly  disciplined  or  properly  cultivated. 

to  hiriTh  .    """^  ^!;-  ®"'''  "^  ^''"'^^o^'  J  expressed  my  regret 
eal Iv  t%  7^r^'^  "°'  '^^^^  "'^^  "^'•'^^^  i»  the  season  ;  but 
will    f  ^   » '  \^^  ^PP^.Y  ^°  '^^^^  "°  «P""g  '«  this  country 
afore'-  r^     '^"'?7.  ?'^  ^e;  I  never  see'd  it  in  that  ligh. 
a'ore,  I  ^,as  afhinkin'  wc  might  stump  the  whole  univartaj 

(7) 


8 


tHB   CLOCKMAKER. 


: 


,  B 


world  for  climato.  l!*s  ginerally  allowed,  our  climate  in 
America  can't  be  no  better.  The  spring  may  be  a  Utile  short 
or  so,  but  then  it  is  added  to  t'other  eend,  and  makes  amost 
an  everlastin'  fine  autumn.  Where  will  you  ditto  our  fall  ?  It 
whips  English  weather  by  a  long  chalk,  none  of  your  hangin', 
shootin',  drownin',  throat-cuttin'  weather,  but  a  clear  sky  and 
a  good  breeze,  rael  cheerfulsome. 

That,  said  I,  in  evading  the  question ;  I  was  speaking  of  the 
shortness  of  spring,  and  not  of  the  comparative  merit  of  your 
autumn,  which  I  am  ready  to  admit  is  a  very  charming  por- 
tion of  the  year  in  America.  But  there  is  one  favour  I  must 
beg  of  you  during  this  tour,  and  that  is,  to  avoid  the  practice 
you  indulged  in  so  much  last  year,  of  exalting  every  thing 
American  by  depreciating  every  thing  British.  This  habit  is, 
I  assure  you,  very  objectionable,  and  has  already  had  a  very 
perceptible  effect  on  your  national  character.  I  believe  I  am 
as  devoid  of  what  is  called  national  prejudices  as  most  men, 
and  can  make  all  due  allowances  for  them  in  others.  I  have 
no  objection  to  this  superlative  praise  of  your  country,  its  in- 
stitutions or  its  people,  provided  you  do  not  require  me  to  join 
m  it,  or  express  it  in  language  disrespectful  of  the  English. 

Well,  well,  if  that  don't  beat  all,  said  he ;  you  say,  you 
have  no  prejudices,  and  yet  you  can't  bear  to  hear  tell  of  our 
great  nation,  and  our  free  and  enlightened  citizens.  Captain 
Aul  (Hall),  as  he  called  himself,  for  I  never  seed  an  English- 
man yet  that  spoke  good  English,  said  he  hadn't  one  mite  or 
morsel  of  prejudice,  and  yet  in  all  his  three  volumes  of  tra- 
vels through  the  l7-nited  States  (the  greatest  nation  it's  gine- 
rally allowed  atween  the  Poles),  only  found  two  things  to 
praise,  the  kindness  of  our  folks  to  him,  and  the  State  prisons. 
None  are  so  blind,  I  guess,  as  them  that  won't  see ;  but  your 
folks  can't  bear  it,  that's  a  fact.  Bear  what  ?  said  I.  The 
superiority  of  the  Americans,  he  replied ;  it  does  seem  to  grig 
'em,  there's  no  denyin'  it ;  it  does  somehow  or  another  seem 
to  go  agin  their  grain  to  admit  it  most  consumedly ;  nothin' 
a'most  ryles  them  so  much  as  that.  But  their  sun  has  set  in 
darkness  and  sorrow,  never  again  to  peer  above  the  horizon. 
They  will  be  blotted  out  of  the  list  of  nations.  Their  glory 
has  departed  across  the  Atlantic  to  fix  her  everlastin'  abode  in 
the  U-n\ted  States.  Yes,  man  to  man, — baganut  to  baganut, 
— ship  to  ship, — by  land  or  by  sea, — fair  fight,  or  rough  and 
tumbl°.™we've  whipped  'em,  that's  a  fact,  deny  it  who  can : 
and  we'll  whip  'em  agin,  to  all  etarni^y.     We  average  mor«i 


THE    MEETIITG. 


9 


Dhysicdl,  moral,  and  intellectual  force  than  any  people  on  the 
face  of  the  airth;  we  are  a  right-minded,  'strong-minded, 
*ound.m.nded,  and  high-minded  people,  I  hope  I  may  be  shot 
li  we  am  t.  On  fresh  or  on  salt  water,  on  the  lakes  or  the 
ocean,  down  comes  the  red  cross  and  up  go  the  stars.  From 
Bunker  s  Hill  clean  away  up  to  New  Orleens  the  land  teems 
with  the  glory  of  our  heroes.  Yes,  our  young  Republic  is  a 
Colossus,  with  one  foot  in  the  Atlantic  and  the  other  in  the 
1  acific,  Its  head  above  the  everlastin'  hills,  graspin'  in  ita 

hand  a  tji A  rifle,  shooting  squirrels,  said  I ;  a  very  suit 

able  employment   for  such   a  tall,  overgrown,  hnJes^eb 
youngster.  ®  °  '^60^" 

Well,  well,  said  he,  resuming  his  ordinary  quiet  demeanour, 
and  with  that  good  humour  that  distinguished  him,  put  a  rifle. 
If  you  will,  in  his  hands,  I  guess  you'll  find  he's  not  a  bad 
shot  neither.   But  I  must  see  to  Old  Clay,  and  prepare  for  our 
journey,  which  is  a  considerable  of  a  long  one,  I  tell  you  -^ 
and  taking  up  his  hat,  he  proceeded  to  the  stable.    Is  that  fel- 
Jow  mad  or  drunk,  said  a  stranger  who  came  from  Halifax 
with  me  in  the  coach ;  I  never  heard  such  a  vapouring  fool  in 
"Yr''S'~~  .  ^^  a  strong  inclination,  if  he  had  not  taken  him- 
self  off,  to  show  him  out  of  the  door.    Did  you  ever  hear  such 
insufferable  vanity  ?     I  should  have  been  excessively  sorry,  I 
said,  if  you  had  taken  any  notice  of  it.     He  is,  I  assure  you. 
neither  mad  nor  drunk,  but  a  very  shrewd,  intelligent  fellow. 
I  met  with  him  accidentally  last  year  while  travelling  through 
the  eastern  part  of  the  province ;  and  although  I  was  at  first 
somewhat  annoyed  at  the  unceremonious  manner  in  which  he 
creed  his  acquaintance  upon  me,  I  soon  found  that  his  know, 
ledge  of  the  province,  its  people  and  government,  might  be 
most  useful  to  me.   He  has  some  humour,  much  anecdote,  and 
great  originality ;— he  is,  in  short,  quite  a  character.     I  have 
employed  him  to  convey  me  from  this  place  to  Shelburne,  and 
trom  thence  along  the  Atlantic  coast  to  Halifax.     Althouc^h 
not  exactly  the  person  one  would  choose  for  a  travelling  coSi- 
panion,  yet  if  my  guide  must  also  be  my  companion,  I  do  not 
know  that  I  could  have  made  a  happier  selection.   He  enables 
me  to  study  the  Yankee  character,  of  which  in  his  particular 
class  he  is  a  fair  sample ;  and  to  become  acquainted  with  their 
peculiar  habits,  manners,  and  mode  of  thinking.    He  has  just 
now  given  you  a  specimen  of  their  national  vanity ;  which, 
alter  all,   is,  I  believe,  not  much  greater  than  that  of  the 
french,  though  porhaps  more  loudly  and  rather  differentlj 


i 


10 


THE   CL0CKMAKK.1. 


expressed.  He  is  well  informed  and  quite  at  home  on  al 
matters  connected  with  the  machinery  of  the  American  go\. 
ernment,  a  subject  of  much  interest  to  me.  The  explanations 
I  receive  from  him  enable  me  to  compare  it  with  the  British 
and  Colonial  constitutions,  and  throw  much  Mght  on  the  specu- 
lative projects  of  our  reformers.  I  have  sketched  him  in 
every  attitude  and  in  every  light,  and  I  carefully  note  down 
all  our  conversations,  so  that  I  flatter  myself,  when  -his  tour 
is  completed,  I  shall  know  as  much  of  America  and  Ameri- 
cans  as  some  who  have  even  written  a  book  on  the  «ubject.     , 


CHAPTER  II. 


THE  VOLUNTARY  SYSTEM. 


The  day  after  our  arrival  at  Windsor,  being  Sunday,  we 
were  compelled  to  remain  there  until  the  following  Tuesday, 
so  as  to  have  one  day  at  our  command  to  visit  the  College, 
Retreat  Farm,  and  the  other  objects  of  interest  in  the  neigh- 
bourhood.  One  of  the  inhabitants  having  kindly  offered  mo 
a  seat  in  his  pew,  I  accompanied  him  to  the  church,  which,  foi 
the  convenience  of  the  College,  was  built  nearly  a  mile  from 
the  village.  From  him  I  learned,  that  independently  of  the 
direct  influence  of  the  Church  of  England  upon  its  own  mem- 
bers, who  form  a  very  numerous  and  respectable  portion  of 
the  inhabitants  of  Nova  Scotia,  its  indirect  operation  has  been 
both  extensive  and  important  in  this  colony. 

The  friends  of  the  establishment,  having  at  an  early  period 
founded  a  college,  and  patronised  education,  the  professions 
havef  been  filled  with  scholars  and  gentlemen,  and  the  natural 
and  very  proper  emulation  of  other  sects  being  thus  awakened 
to  the  importance  of  the  subject,  they  have  been  stimulated  to 
maintain  and  endow  academies  of  their  own. 

The  general  diffusion  through  the  country  of  a  well-edu- 
cated body  of  clergymen,  like  those  of  the  establishment,  has 
had  a  strong  tendency  to  raise  the  standard  of  qualification 
among  those  who  diff*er  from  them,  while  the  habits,  manners, 
and  regular  conduct  of  so  respectable  a  body  of  men  naturally 
and  unconsciously  modulate  and  influence  those  of  their  neigh- 
bours, who  may  not  perhaps  attend  their  ministrations.  It  is, 
therefore,  among  other  causes  doubtless,  owing  in  a  great 
mefisure  to  the  exertions  and  salutary  example  of  the  Chujch 


THP.   VOLUNTARY   8Y8TKM. 


11 


mc  on  al 
rican  go\- 
planations 
the  British 
the  specu- 
ed  him  in 
note  down 
1  -his  tour 
nd  Ameri- 
«ubject.     j 


unday,  we 
Tuesday, 
e  College, 
the  neigh- 
jffered  mo 
which,  foi 
mile  from 
itly  of  the 
)wn  mem- 
portion  of 
1  has  been 

irly  period 
)rofessions 
he  natural 
awakened 
nnulated  to 

.  well-edu- 
iment,  has 
mlification 
,  manners, 
I  naturally 
leir  neigh* 
ms.  It  is, 
n  a  great 
he  Chujch 


in  the  Colonies  that  a  higher  tone  of  moral  feeling  exists  in 
the  British  Provinces  than  in  the  neighbouring  states,  a  claim 
which  1  find  very  generally  put  forth  in  this  country,  and 
though  not  exactly  admitted,  yet  certainly  not  denied  even  by 
Mr.  Slick  himself.   The  suggestions  of  this  gentleman  induced 
me  to  make  some  inquiries  of  the  Clockmaker,  connected  with 
the  subject  of  an  establishment ;  I  therefore  asked  him  what 
his   opinion  was   of  the  Voluntary  System.     Well,   I  don'f 
know,  said  he ;  what  is  your'n  ?     I  am  a  member,  I  replied, 
of  the  Church  of  England ;  you  may,  therefore,  easily  sup. 
pose  what  my  opinion  is.    And  I  am  a  citizen,  said  he,  laugh- 
ing, of  Slickville,  Onion  county,  state  of  Connecticut,  United 
States  of  America:  you  may  therefore  guess  what  my  opinion 
is  too :  I  reckon  we  are  even  now,  ar'n't  we  ?    To  tell  you 
the  truth,  said  he,  I  never  thought  much  about  it.     I've  been 
a  considerable  of  a  traveller  in  my  day ;  arovin'  about  here 
and  there  and  every  whare ;  atradin'  wherever  I  seed  a  good 
chance  of  making  a  speck ;   paid  my  shot  into  the  plate, 
whenever  it  was  handed  round  in  meetin',  and  axed  no  ques- 
tions.   It  was  about  as  much  as  I  could  cleverly  do,  to  look  arter 
my  own  consarns,  and  I  left  the  ministers  to  look  arter  theirn ; 
but  take  'era  in  a  gineral  way,  they  are  pretty  well  to  do  in 
the  world  with  us,  especially  as  they  have  the  women  on  their 
side.    Whoever  has  the  women,  is  sure  of  the  men,  you  may 
depend,  Sv.i;ire;  openly  or  secretly,  directly  or  indirectly,  they 
do  contrive,  somehow  or  another,  to  have  their  own  way  in 
the  eend,  and  tho'  the  men  have  the  reins,  the  women  tell  'em 
which  way  to  drive.     Now,  if  ever  you  go  for  to  canvass  for 
votes,  always  canvass  the  wives,  and  you  are  sure  of  the  hus- 
bands. 

I  recollect  when  I  was  last  up  to  Albama,  to  one  of  the  new 
cities  lately  built  there,  I  was  awalkin'  one  mornin'  airly  out 
o'  town  to  get  a  leetle  fresh  air,  for  the  weather  was  so  plaguy 
sultry  I  could  hardly  breathe  a'most,  and  I  seed  a  most  splen 
did  location  there  near  the  road ;  a  beautiful  white  two-storv 
house,  with  a  grand  virandah  runnin'  all  round  it,  painted 
green,  and  green  vernitians  to  the  winders,  and  a  white  pali 
eade  fence  in  front,  lined  with  a  row  of  Lombardy  poplars, 
and  two  rows  of  'em  leadin'  up  to  the  front  door,  like  two  files 
of  sodgers  with  fixt  baganuts ;  each  side  of  the  avenue  was  a 
grass  plot,  and  a  beautiful  image  of  Adam  stood  in  the  centre 
of  one  on  'em— and  of  Eve,  with  a  fig-leaf  apron  on,  in 
t'other,  made  of  wood  by  a  rnxtive  artist,  and  painted  so  nale* 
ral  no  soul  could  tell  'cm  from  stone. 


13 


THB   CLOCRMAKfiR. 


The  avenue  was  all  planked  beautiflil,  and  it  waa  lined  with 
flowers  in  pots  and  jars,  and  looked  a  touch  above  common,  I 
tell  you.  While  I  was  astoppin*  to  look  at  it,  who  should 
drive  by  but  the  milkman  with  his  cart.  Says  I,  stranger, 
says  I,  I  suppose  you  don't  know  who  lives  here,  do  you  ?  I 
guess  you  are  a  stranger,  said  he,  ain't  vou  ?  Well,  says  I, 
I  don't  exactly  know  as  I  ain't,  but  who  lives  here?  The 
Rev.  Ahab  Meldrum,  said  he,  I  reckon.  Ahab  Meldrum,  said 
I,  to  myself;  I  wonder  if  it  can  be  the  Ahab  Meldrum  I  was 
to  school  with  to  Slickville,  to  minister's,  when  we  was  boys. 
It  can't  be  possible  it's  him,  for  he  was  fitter  for  a  State's 
prisoner  than  a  State's  preacher,  by  a  long  chalk.  He  was  a 
poor  stick  to  make  a  preacher  on,  for  minister  couldn't  beat 
nothin'  into  him  a'most,  he  was  so  cussed  stupid ;  but  I'll 
see  any  how :  so  I  wnlks  right  through  the  gate,  and  raps 
away  at  the  door,  and  a  tidy,  well-rigged  nigger  help  opens 
it,  and  shows  me  into  a'most  an  elegant  famished  room.  I 
was  most  darnted  to  sit  down  on  the  chairs,  they  were  so 
splendid,  for  fear  I  should  spile  'em.  There  was  mirrors  and 
varses,  and  lamps,  and  picturs,  and  crinkum  craukums,  and 
notions  of  all  sorts  and  sizes  in  it.  It  looked  like  a  bazar 
a'most,  it  was  filled  with  such  an  everlastin'  sight  of  curi- 
osities. 

The  room  was  considerable  dark  too,  for  the  blinds  was 
shot,  and  I  was  skear'd  to  move  for  fear  o'  doin'  mischief. 
Presently  in  comes  Ahab  slowly  sailin'  in,  like  a  boat  drop, 
pin'  down  stream  in  a  calm,  with  a  pair  o'  purple  slippers  on, 
and  a  figured  silk  dressin'-gound,  and  carrying  a'most  a  beau- 
tiful-bound book  in  his  hand.  May  I  presume,  says  he,  to 
inquire  who  I  have  the  onexpected  pleasure  of  seeing  this 
mornin'.  If  you'll  gist  throw  open  one  o'  them  are  shutters, 
says  I,  I  guess  the  light  will  save  us  the  trouble  of  axin' 
names.  I  know  who  you  be  by  your  voice  any  how,  tho'  it's 
considerable  softer  than  it  was  ten  years  ago.  I'm  Sam  Slick, 
says  I, — what's  left  o'  me  at  least.  Verily,  said  he,  friend 
Samuel,  I'm  glad  to  see  you ;  and  how  did  you  leave  that  ex- 
cellent man  and  distinguished  scholar,  the  Rev.  Mr.  Hopewell , 
and  my  good  friend  your  father?  Is  the  old  gentleman  still 
alive  1  if  so,  he  must  anow  be  ripe  full  of  years  as  he  is  full 
of  honours.  Your  mother,  I  think  I  heer'd,  was  dead — gath- 
ered to  her  fathers — peace  be  with  her ! — she  had  a  good  and 
a  kind  heart.  I  loved  her  as  a  child :  but  the  Lord  taketh 
whom  he  loveth.     Ahab,  says  I,  I  have  but  a  few  minutes  ^ 


THfi    VOLUNTARY    SYSTEM. 


Id 


n'  mischief. 


%my  with  you,  and  if  you  think  to  draw  the  wool  ovor  mv 
eyes,  It  might  perhaps  take  you  a  longer  time  than  you  arp 
nth.nking  on,  or  than  I  have  to  spare ;— there  are  some  friends 
you  ve  forgot  to  inquire  after  tho'.—there's  Polly  Bacon  and 
her  hltle  bo/. 

Spare  me,  Samuel,  spare  me,  my  friend,  says  he;  open  not 
that  wound  afresh,  I  beseech  thee.  Well,  says  I,  none  1?  your 
nonsense  then ;  show  me  mto  a  room  where  I  can  spit,  and 
teet  to  home,  and  put  my  feet  upon  the  chairs  without  adam- 
agm  thmgs,  and  I'll  sit  and  smoke  and  chat  with  you  a  few 
mmutes ;  m  fact  I  don't  care  if  I  stop  and  breakfast  with  you. 
lor  I  feel  considerable  peckish  this  mornin'.  Sam,  says  he, 
atakm  hold  of  my  hand,  you  were  always  right  up  and  down, 
and  as  straight  as  a  shingle  in  your  dealin's.  I  can  trust  you, 
i  know,  but  mmd,— and  he  put  his  fingers  on  his  lips— mum 
IS  the  word ;— bye  gones  are  bye  gones,— you  wouldn't  blow 
an  old  chum  among  his  friends,  would  you  ?  I  scorn  a  nasty, 
dirty,  mean  action,  says  I,  as  I  do  a  nigger.  Come,  foller  mo. 
then,  says  he;— and  he  led  me  into  a  back  room,  with  an  on 
carpeted  painted  floor,  tarnished  plain,  and  some  shelves  in  it, 
with  books  and  pipes  and  cigars,  pig-tail  and  what  not.  Heio'a 
liberty-hall,  said  he;  chew,  or  smoke,  or  spit  as  you  please; 
—do  as  you  like  here ;  we'll  throw  off  all  resarve  now ;  but 
mind  that  cursed  nigger;  he  has  a  foot  like  a  cat,  and  an  ear 
tor  every  keyhole— don't  talk  too  loud. 

Well,  Sam,  said  he,  I'm  glad  to  see  you  too,  my  boy ;  it 

puts  me  in  mind  of  old  times,     Many's  the  lark  you  and  I 

Uave  had  together  in  Slickville,  when  old  Hunks— (it  made 

me  start,  that  he  meant  Mr.  Hopewell,  and  it  made  me  fe«5l 

Itinder  dandry  at  him,  for  I  wouldn't  let  any  one  speak  disre- 

spectful  of  him  afore  me  for  nothin'  I  know,)— when  old 

Hunks  thought  we  was  abed.     Them  was  happy  days— the 

days  o  light  heels  and  light  hearts.    I  often  think  on  'em,  and 

think  on  em  too  with  pleasure.     Well,  Ahab,  says  I,  I  don't 

gist  altogether  know  as  I  do ;  there  are  some  things  we  might 

gist  as  well  a'most  have  left  alone,  I  reckon ;  but  what's  done 

IS  done,  that  s  a  fact.   Ahem  !  said  he,  so  loud,  I  looked  round 

and  1  seed  two  niggers  bringin'  in  the  breakfast,  and  a  grand 

one  It  was,— tea  and  coffee  and  Indgian  corn  cakes,  and  hot 

bread  and  cold  bread,  fish,  fowl,  and  flesh,  roasted,  boiled. 

and  fried;  presarves,  pickles,  fruits;  in  short,  every  thina 

a  most  you  could  think  on.     You  needn't  wait,  said  Ahab,  to 


I 


ill 


H 


THE  CLOCKMAKKR. 


tht  blacks ;  I'll  ring  for  you,  when  I  want  you ;  we'll  h?,? 
ourselves. 

Well,  when  I  looked  round  and  seed  this  critter  alivin'  thi> 
way,  on  the  fat  o'  the  land,  up  to  his  knees  in  clover  like,  ii 
did  pose  me  considerable  to  know  how  he  worked  it  so  cleverly 
for  ho  was  thought  always,  as  a  boy,  to  be  rather  more  than 
half  onder-baked,  considerable  soft-like.     So,  says  I,  Ahab, 
says  I,  I  calculate  you'r  like  the  cat  we  used  to  throw  out  of 
minister's   garrat-winder,  when  we  was   aboardin'  there  to 
school.     How  so,  Sam?  said  he.     Why,  says  I,  you  always 
seem  to  come  on  your  feet  some  how  or  other.     You  have  got 
a  plaguy  nice  thing  of  it  here ;  that's  a  fact,  and  no  mistake 
(the  critter  had  three  thousand  dollars  a-year);  how  on  airth 
did  you  manage  it  ?     I  wish  in  my  heart  I  had  ataken  up  the 
trade  o'  preachin'  too ;  when  it  does  hit  it  does  capitally,  tiiai's 
sartain.     Why,  says  he,  if  you'll  promise  not  to  let  on  to  any 
one  about  it,  I'll  tell  you.     I'll  keep  dark  about  it,  you  may 
depend,  says  I.     I'm  not  a  man  that  can't  keep  nothin'  in  my 
gizzard,  but  go  right  off  and  blart  out  all  I  hear.     I  know  a 
thing  worth  two  o^  that,  I  guess.     Well,  says  he,  it's  done  by 
a  new  rule  I  made  in  grammar — the  feminine  gender  is  more 
worthy  than  the  neuter,  and  the  neuter  more  worthy  than  the 
masculine;  I  gist  soft  sawder  the  women.     It  'taint  every  man 
will  let  you  tickle  him  ;  and  if  you  do,  he'll  make  faces  at  yob 
enough  to  frighten  you  into  fits ;  but  tickle  his  wife,  and  it's  elec 
trical— he'll  laugh  like  any  thing.    They  are  the  forrcd  wheels 
start   them,  and  the  hind  ones  foller  of  course.     Now   it'^ 
mostly  women  that  tend  meetin'  here;    the  men-folks  have 
their  politics  and  trade  to  talk  over,  and  what  not,  and  ain'i 
time ;  but  the  ladies  go  considerable  rigular,  and  we  have  to 
depend  on  them,  the  dear  critters.     I  gist  lay  myself  out  to 
get  the  blind  side  o'  them,  and  I  sugar  and  gild  the  pill  so  as 
to  make  it  pretty  to  look  at  and  easy  to  swaller.     Last  Lord's 
day,  for  instance,  I  preached  on  the  death  of  the  widder's  son 
Well,  I  drew  such  a  pictur  of  the  lone  watch  at  the  sick  bed 
the  patience,  the  kindness,  the  tenderness  of  women's  hearts 
theii  forgiving  disposition— (the  Lord  forgive  me  for  saying 
so,  tho',  for  if  there  is  a  created  critter  that  never  forgives,  it's 
a  woman ;  they  seem  to  forgive  a  wound  on  their  pride,  and 
It  skins  over  and  looks  all  healed  up  like,  but  touch  'em  on 
.he  sore  spot  ag'in,  and  see  how  cute  their  memory  is)— -theii 
sweet  temper,  soothers  of  grief,  dispensers  of  joy,  ministrin 
angels.— I  make  all  the  virtues  of  the  feminine  gender  always. 


THE  VOLUIfTARY  SYSTEM. 


lA 


r 


—then  I  wound  up  with  a  quotation  from  Walter  Scotl.  Thoy 
•U  like  poetry,  do  the  ladies,  and  Shakspeare,  Scott,  and  Byron 
»re  aiTjazin'  favourites ;  they  go  down  much  better  than  them 
•  id-fauhioned  staves  o'  Watts. 

•*  Oh  woman,  in  our  hour  of  ease, 
Uncertain,  coy,  and  hard  to  please, 
And  variable  as  the  shade 
By  tlie  light  quivering  uspcn  made; 
VVhen  pain  and  anguish  wring  the  brow, 
A  ministering  angel  thou." 

If  I  didn't  touch  it  oflT  to  tho  nines  it's  a  pity.     I  never  beerd 
-ou  preach  so  well,  snys  one,  since  you  was  located  here. 

drew  from  natur',  suys  I,  a  squezin'  of  her  hand.  Nor 
never  so  touchin',  says  another.  You  know  my  moddio,  says 
1,  lookin'  spooney  on  her.  I  fairly  shed  tears,  said  a  third  ; 
how  often  have  you  drawn  them  from  me  I  says  I.  So  true, 
says  they,  and  so  nateral,  and  truth  and  natur'  is  what  we 
call  eloquence.  I  feel  quite  proud,  says  I,  and  considerable 
elated,  my  admired  sisters,— for  who  can  judge  so  well  as  the 
ladies  of  the  truth  of  the  description  of  their  own  virtues  'f 
I  must  sav,  I  felt  somehow  kinder  inadequate  to  the  task  too, 
I  said,— for  the  depth  and  strength  and  beauty  of  the  female 
heart  passes  all  understandin'. 

When  I  left  'em  1  heerd  'em  say,  ain't  he  a  dear  man,  a 
feelin  man,  a  sweet  critter,  a'most  a  splendid  preacher ;  none 
o  your  mere  moral  lecturers,  but  a  rael  right  down  genuine 
gospel   preacher.     Next  day  I  received  to  the  tune  of  one 
hundred  dollars  in  cash,  and  fifty  dollars  produce,  presents 
from  one  and  another.     The  truth  is,  if  a  minister  wants  to 
be  popular  he  should  remain  single,  for  then  the  gals  all  have 
a  chance  for  him;  but  the  moment  he  marries  he's^up  a  tree, 
his  flint  IS  fixed  then ;  you  may  depend  it's  gone  goose  with 
them  arter  that ;  that's  a  fact.     No,  Sam  ;  they  are  the  pillars 
of  the  temple,  the  dear  little  critters.— And  I'll  give  you  a 
wrinkle  for  your  horn,  perhaps  you  ain't  got  yet,  and  it  may 
be  some  use  to  you  when  you  go  down  atradin'  with  the  be 
nighted  colonists  in  the  outlandish  British   provinces.     The 
road  to  the  head  lies  through  the  heart.     Pocket,  you  mean, 
instead  of  head,  I  guess,  said  I ;  and  if  you  don't  travel  that 
road  full  chissol  it's  a  pity.— Well,  says  I,  Ahab,  when  I  go 
to  Slickville  I'll  gist  tell  Mr.  Hopewell  what  a  most  precious 
superfine,  superior  darn'd  rascal  you  have  turned  out ;  if  you 
am  t  No.  1,  letter  A,  I  want  to  know  who  is,  that's  all.     You 


10 


THE   CLOCKMAKER. 


do  beat  all,  Sam,  said  he ;  it's  the  system  that^s  tictous,  and 
not  the  preacher.  If  I  didn't  give  'em  the  soft  sawder  they 
would  neither  pay  me  nor  hear  me ;  fhat's  a  fact.  Are  you 
so  soft  in  the  horn  now,  Sam,  as  to  suppose  that  the  gala 
would  take  the  trouble  to  come  to  hear  me  tell  'em  of  their 
corrupt  natur'  and  fallen  condition ;  and  first  thanK  me,  and 
then  pay  me  for  it?  Very  entertainin'  that  to  tell  'em  the 
worms  will  fatten  on  their  pretty  little  rosy  cheeks,  and  that 
their  sweet  plump  flesh  is  nothin'  but  grass,  flourishin'  to-day, 
and  to  be  cut  down  withered  and  rotten  to-morrow ;  ain't  it  ? 
It  ain't  in  the  natur'  o'  things,  if  I  put  them  out  o'  concail 
o'  themselves,  I  can  put  them  in  concait  o'  me ;  or  that  they 
will  comt?  down  handsome,  and  do  the  thing  ginteel,  its  gist 
onpossible.  It  warn't  me  made  the  system,  but  the  system 
mc  de  me.     The  voluntary  don't  work  well. 

Syj^tem  or  no  system,  said  I,  Ahab,  you  are  Ahab  still,  and 
Ahab  you'll  be  to  the  eend  o'  the  chapter.  You  may  decaive 
the  women  by  soft  sawder,  and  yourself  by  talkin'  about  sys- 
tems, but  you  won't  walk  into  me  so  easy,  I  know.  It  ain't 
pretty  at  all.  Now,  said  I,  Ahab,  I  told  you  I  wouldn't  blow 
you,  nor  will  I.  I  will  neither  speak  o'  things  past  nor  things 
prest  )t.  I  know  you  wouldn't,  Sam,  raid  he ;  you  were 
always  a  good  feller.  But  it's  on  one  condition,  says  I,  and 
that  is  thit  you  allow  Polly  Bacon  a  hundred  dollars  a-year 
— she  was  a  good  gall  and  a  decent  gall  when  you  first 
knov  'd  her,  and  she's  in  great  distress  now  to  Slickville,  I  tell 
you.  That's  onfair,  that's  onkind,  Sam,  said  he ;  that's  not 
the  clean  thing ;  I  can't  aftbrd  it ;  it's  a  breach  o'  confidence 
this,  but  you  got  me  on  the  hip,  and  I  can't  help  myself;  say 
fifty  dollars,  and  I  will.  Done,  said  I,  and  mind  you're  up  to 
the  notch,  for  I'm  in  earnest — there's  no  mistake.  Depend 
upon  me,  said  he,  and,  Sam,  said  he,  a  shakin'  hands  along 
with  mo  at  partin', — excuse  me,  my  good  feller,  but  I  hope  I 
may  never  have  the  pleasure  to  aee  your  face  ag'in.  Ditto, 
jays  .  ;  but  i.imd  the  fifty  dollars  a>year,  or  you  will  see  me 
to  a  sartainty — good  b'ye. 

How  difibrent  this  cussed  critter  was  from  poor,  dear,  good, 
old  Joshua  Hopewell.  I  seed  him  not  long  arier.  On  my  re- 
turn to  Connecticut,  gist  as  I  was  apassin'  out  o'  Molasses  into 
Onion  County,  who  should  I  meet  but  minister  amounted  upor 
his  horse,  old  Captain  Jack.  Jack  was  a  racker,  and  in  hia 
day  about  as  good  a  beast  as  ev^r  hoisted  tail,  (you  know  wliul 
a  racker  is, don't  you  squire?  said  the  clockmaker :  thoy  biinj* 


I0U4,  and 
der  they 
Are  you 

the  gala 
I  of  their 

me,  and 
i  'em  the 
and  that 
i'  to-day, 
:  ain't  it  ? 
3*  concail 
that  they 
il,  its  gist 
e  system 

still,  and 
y  decaive 
ibout  sys- 
,  It  ain't 
dn't  blow 
lor  things 
you  were 
lys  I,  and 
rs  a-year 

you  first 
nlle,  I  tell 
that's  not 
lonfidence 
self;  say 
u're  up  to 
Depend 
ids  along 
t  I  hope  I 
n.  Ditto, 
ill  see  me 

ear,  good, 
)n  my  re- 
asses  into 
inted  upor 
ind  in  hia 
;now  wlial 
they  brinj» 


THE    VOLUNTARY    SYSTEM. 


17 


up  the  two  feet  on  one  side  first,  together  like,  and  then  t'other 
two  at  once,  the  same  way ;  and  they  do  get  over  the  ground 
at  a  most  an  amazin'  size,  that's  sartin,)  but  poor  old  critter 
he  looked  pretty  streak'd.    You  could  count  his  rib.?  as  far  as 
3^ou  could  tee  him,  and  his  skin  was  drawn  so  tight  over  liim, 
every  blow  of  minister's  cane  on  him  sounded  like  a  drum,  he 
was  so  holler.     A  candle  poked  into  him  lighted  would  have 
shown  through  him  like  a  lantern.   He  carried  his  head  down 
to  his  knees,  and  the  hide  seem'd  so  scant  a  pattern,  he  showeo 
his  teeth  like  a  cross  dog,  and  it  started  his  eyes  and  made 
enj  look  all  outside  like  a  weasel's.     He  actilly  did  look  as 
If  he  couldn't  help  it.     Minister  had  two  bags  roll'd  m  and 
tied  on  behind  him,  like  a  portmanter,  and  was  ajogging  on 
ilookm  down  on  his  horse,  and  the  horse  alookin'  down  on 
the  road,  as  if  he  was  seekin'  a  soft  spot  to  tumble  down  upon. 
L  was  curious  to  see  Captain  Jack  too,  when  he  heerd  old 
Clay  acommg  along  full  split  behind  him ;  he  cock'd  up  his 
head  and  tail,  and  prick'd  up  his  ears,  and  look'd  corner  ways 
out  of  his  eye,  as  much  as  to  say,  if  you  are  for  a  lick  of  a 
quarter  of  a  mile  I  don't  feel  much  up  to  it,  but  I'll  try  you 
any  way ;— so  here's  at  you.    He  did  try  to  do  pretty,  that's 
sartin,  as  if  he  was  ashamed  of  looking  so  like  Old  Scratch, 
gist  as  a  feller  does  up  the  shirt-collar  and  combs  his  hair  with 
his  fingers,  afore  he  goes  into  the  room  among  the  galls. 

The  poor  skilliton  of  a  beast  was  ginger  to  the  backbone 
you  may  depend— all  clear  grit;  what  there  was  of  him  was 
whalebone ;  that's  a  fact.     But  minister  had  no  rally  about 
him;  he  was  proper  chap-fallen,  and  looked  as  dismal  ps  if 
he  had  lost  every  friend  that  he  had  on  airth.    Why,  minister, 
says  I,   /hat  onder  the  sun  is  the  matter  of  you  ?    You  and 
Captain  Jack  look  as  if  you  had  the  cholera ;  what  makes 
you  so  dismal  and  your  horse  so  thin?  what's  out  o' joint 
now?     Nothin'  gone  wrong,  I  hope,  since  I  left?     Nothin' 
has  gone  right  with  me,  Sam,  of  late,  said  he;  I've  been 
sorely  tried  with  aflliction,  and  my  spirit  is  fairly  humbled 
I  vfc  been  more  insulted  this  day,  my  son,  than  I  ever  was 
afoie  m  all  my  born  days.     Minister,  says  I,  I've  gist  one 
favour  to  ax  o'  you ;  give  me  the  sinner's  name,  and  afore 
daybreak  to-morrow  mornin'  I'll  bring  him  to  a  reck'nin'  and 
iee  how  the  balance  stands,    I'll  kick  him  from  here  to  Wash- 
mgton,  and  from  Washington  back  to  Slickvillc,  and  then  i'ji 
cow-skin  him,  till  this  riding-whip  is  worn  up  to  shoe-strings 
and  pitch  him  clean  out  o'  the  State.     The  infarnal  villain  • 
2  * 


IB 


THE   CLOCKMAKFR. 


tell  ine  who  he  is,  and  if  ho  war  as  big  as  all  out-dooM,  Id 
walk  into  him.  I'll  teach  him  the  road  to  good  manners,  if 
he  can  save  eyesight  to  see  it,— hang  me  if  I  don  t.  1  U  like 
no  better  fun,  I  vow.  So  gist  show  me  the  man,  that  darst 
insult  you,  and  if  he  does  so  ng'in,  I'll  give  you  leave  to  tell 
me  of  it.  Thank  you,  Sam,  says  he;  thank  you,  my  boy, 
but  it's  beyond  your  help.  It  ain't  a  parsonal  affront  of  thai 
natur',  but  a  spiritual  affront.  It  ain't  an  affront  offered  to  me 
as  Joshua  Hopewell,  so  much  as  an  affront  to  the  mmister  of 
Slickville.  That  is  worse  still,  said  I,  because  you  cant 
resent  it  yourself.     Leave  him  to  me,  and  I'll  fix  his  flint 

for  him.  . 

It's  a  long  story,  Sam,  and  one  to  raise  grief,  but  not  anger ; 
—you  musn't  talk  or  think  of  fightin',  it's  not  becoming  a 
Christian  man,  but  here's  my  poor  habitation,  put  up  your 
horse  and  come  in,  and  we'll  talk  this  affair  over  by  and  by. 
Come  in  and  see  me,— for,  sick  as  I  am,  both  in  body  and 
mind,  it  will  do  me  good.  Yea  was  always  a  kmd-hearled 
boy,  Sam,  and  I'm  glad  to  see  the  heart  in  the  right  place 
yet ;— come  in,  my  son.  Well,  when  we  got  into  the  house, 
and  sot  down,— says  I,  minister,  what  the  dickens  was  them 
two  great  rolls  o'  canvass  for,  I  seed  snuggM  up  and  tied  to 
your  crupper?  You  looked  like  a  man  who  had  taken  his 
grist  to  mill,  and  was  roturnin'  with  the  bags  for  another ;  j^nd 
what  onder  the  sun  had  you  in  them  ?  I'll  tell  you,  Sam,  said 
he,— you  know,  said  he,— when  you  was  to  home,  we  had  a 
State  Tax  for  the  support  o'  the  church,  and  every  man  had 
to  pay  his  share  to  some  church  or  another.  I  mind,  said  I, 
quite  well.  Well,  said  he,  the  inimy  of  souls  has  been  to 
work  among  us,  and  instigated  folks  to  think  this  was  too 
compulsory  for  a  free  people,  and  smelt  too  strong  of  estab- 
lishments, and  the  legislator'  repealed  the  law ;  so  now,  in- 
stead o'  havin'  a  rigilar  legal  stipind,  we  have  what  they  call 
the  voluntary, — every  nnan  pays  what  he  likes,  when  he  likes, 
and  to  whom  he  likes,  or  if  it  don't  convene  him  he  pays 
nothin' ;— do  you  apprehend  me  ?  As  clear  as  a  boot-jack, 
says  I ;  nothin'  could  be  plainer,  and  I  suppose  that  some  o 
your  factory  people  that  make  canvass  have  given  you  a  pre- 
sent of  two  rolls  of  it  to  make  bags  to  hold  your  pay  in| 
My  breeches'  pockets,  says  he,  Sam,  ashakin'  o'  his  head,  1 
estimate,  are  biff  enouffh  for  that.  No,  Sam  ;  some  subscribe 
and  some  don't.  Some  say,  we'll  give,  but  we'll  not  bind 
•ourselves : — and  some  «!av.  we'll  see  about  it.    Well,  I  m  o  en 


THE    VOLUNTARY    SYSTEM. 


lb 


mv  min,       r  <-hristmn  obligation  eo  sobriety  is   in 

"vs  hp  of      "  ""^  ™fe">g<""on'  on  honour.     CanV  thinL 

S.     Says&'°  "  ■"'"■f" '•>"'  oountonances  drnnC 

1,  I  do  t^ttr  fa'n77r"'eaV™lTaf  '     ^'^'  ?'' 

..."  too'Sw'nistS^  an7a„tb  ^''T  "^Z  °''°""™-     "°«  f"™^ 
t'vcrlust  m'  ,.lm;„Kt,         f^j-tsiaentj—ior,  he  said,  he  was  an 

Says  he  ™w,  IvTeL^Zk^n'Vorvou'f'  ^"^'"^  "•^• 

lion    Wnn  t'  ',"?'"'''  '"  "'*  ""O"-'  of  your  subscript 

um'  Zf,'  'T  *":'  '  '""'"'  ">»*•  •>"'  I  «ko  to  do  things  hand 

Jou'.tttketbr:;,,  'tCrrhrie^d""  r„d'h:",!''''d''^''"'' 

good"   6  "artai,^     -./"i;  ''?;,''"?  "'"'''  ^"^  "•«  '''>«»  .t  was 


20 


THE  CLOCKMAKER. 


11 


This  is  the  blessin'  of  the  voluntary,  as  far  as  I'm  consarned. 
Now  I'll  tell  you  how  it's  agoin'  to  work  upon  them;  not 
through  my  agency  tho',  for  I'd  die  first ; — afore  I'd  do  a  wrong 
thing  to  gain  the  whole  univarsal  world.  But  what  are  you 
adoin'  of,  Sam,  said  he,  acrackin'  of  that  whip  so,  says  he ; 
you'll  e'en  amost  deefen  me.  Atryin'  of  the  spring  of  it, 
says  I.  The  night  afore  I  go  down  to  Nova  Scotia,  I'll  teach 
'em  Connecticut  quick-step — I'll  lam  'em  to  make  somersets 
— I'll  make  'em  cut  more  capers  than  the  caravan  monkey 
ever  could  to  save  his  soul  alive,  I  know.  I'll  quilt  'em,  as 
true  as  my  name  is  Sam  Slick ;  and  if  they  foller  me  down 
east,  I'll  lambaste  them  back  a  plaguy  sight  quicker  than  they 
came;  the  nasty,  dirty,  mean,  sneaking  villains.  I'll  play 
them  a  voluntary — I'll  fa  la  sol  them,  to  a  jig  tune,  and  show 
'em  how  to  count  baker's  dozen.  Crack,  crack,  crack,  that's 
the  music,  minister ;  crack,  crack,  crack,  I'll  set  all  Slickville 
ayelpin' ! 

I'm  in  trouble  enough,  Sam,  says  he,  without  addin'  that 
are  to  it ;  don't  quite  break  my  heart,  for  such  carryin's  on 
would  near  about  kill  me.  Let  the  poor  deluded  critters  be, 
promise  me  now.  Well,  well,  says  I,  if  you  say  so  it  shall 
be  so ; — but  I  must  say,  I  long  to  be  at  'em.  But  how  is  the 
voluntary  agoin'  for  to  operate  on  them  ?  Emitic,  diuretic,  or 
purgative,  eh  ?  I  hope  it  will  be  all  three,  and  turn  them  in- 
side out,  the  ungrateful  scoundrils,  and  yet  not  be  gist  strong 
enough  to  turn  them  back  ag'in.  Sam  you're  an  altered  man, 
says  he.  It  appears  to  me  the  whole  world  is  changed.  Don't 
talk  so  on-Christian  :  we  must  forget  and  forgive.  They  will 
be  the  greatest  sufferers  themselves,  poor  critters,  havin' 
destroyed  the  independence  of  their  minister, — their  minister 
will  pander  to  their  vanity.  He  will  be  afeer'd  to  tell  them 
unpalatable  truths.  Instead  of  tellin"  'em  they  are  miserable 
sinners  in  need  of  repentance,  he  will  tell  'em  they  are  a  great 
nation  and  a  great  people,  will  quote  more  history  than  the 
Bible,  and  give  'em  orations  not  sarmons,  encomiums  and  not 
censures.  Presents,  Sam,  will  bribe  indulgences.  The  min- 
ister will  he  a  dum  dog  !  It  sarves  'em  right,  says  I ;  I  don't 
care  what  becomes  of  them.  I  hope  they  will  be  dum  dogs, 
for  d^im  dogs  bite,  and  if  they  drive  you  mad, — as  I  believe 
from  my  soul  they  will, — I  hope  you'll  bite  every  one  on  'em. 
T^it.  s»vs  T-  ministfir.  talkin'  of  nresents.  I've  ffot  one  for 
you  that's  somethin'  like  the  thing,  I  know ;  and  I  took  out 
my  pocket-book  and  gave  him  a  hundred  dollars.  I  hopo 
\  may  be  shot  if  \  didn't.     I  felt  so  sorry  for  him. 


TRAINING   A  CARRIBOO.  jj| 

I'm  sure  ?  dSn^Tt'stf  first  oTeh!?  T^  '""'"«  -'  ■""  ' 

tried,  and  I'm  sure  it  will  be  Ihe  hsf       '""""'^  '^"^"'  ''™ 

1_M.  yes,  squire,  the  voluntary  don't  work  wM     ,h„,'. 


CHAPTER  III. 

TRAINING  A  CARRIBOO. 

that  often  float%p  thfAvon  wS  h  ^^J"*  -'"^^^^^^ 
ITe  made  several  sUfwTth  remarkabl'«^  '"  great  numbers, 
no  dogs  we  lost  all  tL  k;  /  T  f  ^  accuracy,  but  having 
rnpid?ivrr  Itw"  ^.^.'tv^^^  '^°' ^"  ^^^  ^^dies  of  this 
we'^asSed  the  cl  ff  th«f  ^'"'^"Z  T"'"^'  «"^  «"  °"r  ^^turn 
roundS  country  a^d.nt  7''"'  '^  ^"^^^^  ^"^^  ^^e  sui. 
.i..^s.nrr:  r^^^^  point  of 

sar^:^^tr:m^:;1^^^'  r  "^  -  "  -  I  spent  the 
nimseli  and  mp  at  tha  ir.«        j  i_    "•'   '■^^•^'     ^ncic  was  oiiiv 

-0,  ™,s  r^:r;n^rtH^is:r7:«&^ 


n 


THE   CLOCKMAKF.R. 


UkP  tliis  splendid  afternoon;  who  knows  but  we  nriighl  see 

ometh  n'  or  another  to  shoot?     So  off  we  sot   and  it  was  so 

'ri  and  pleasant  we  stroU'd  a  considerable  df  ance  up  tne 

Cch,  which  is  like  this,  all  limestone  gravel,  only  cleaner 

^"wtn  w'eTot"{ired'of  the  glare  of  the  water,  and  a  nasty 
vallor^cum  that  was  on  it  nt  that  season,  we  turned  up  a  road 
hi   led  ro  the  woods.     Why,  says  I.  if  there  ain't  a  Carn. 
boo    as  I'm  alive.     Where  1  said  he,  seizin'  the  rifle,  and 
brin^in'  iUo  his  shoulder  with  great  eagerness,-where  is  u ! 
fo  "reaven's  sake  let  me  have  a  shot  at  it !   I  have  long  wish  d, 
?L  vT  to  have  it  to  say,  before  I  leavv3  the  province,  that  I 
had  per'fo^ed'that  L  o^kiUin'  a  Carriboo.   Oh,  Lord !  said 
?  th?owin'  up  the  point  of  the  gun  to  prevent  an  accident  - 
Oh   lL  1  it  ain't  one  o'  them  are  sort  o'  critters  at  all ;  U  s 
a  human  Carriboo.    It's  a  member,  him  that's  in  that  are  gig, 
bokin'  as  wise  as  a  barber's  block  with  a  new  wig  on  it.   Tho 
Toronto  folks  call  'em  Carriboos,  'cause  they  are  untamed 

t'ld  critters  from  the  woods,  and  <^o""- d^"  •  "v,t  rthVho  el 
Lislatur'.    I  guess  he's  agoin'  to  spend  the  night  to  the  hotel, 
Xe  we  bef  if  he  is,  I'll  bring  hirr.  into  our  r.ou.  and   rain 
him     you  li  ^e  what  sort  o'  folks  makes  aws  sometimes.     I 
do  bdfeve,  arter  all,  says  I,  this  univarsal  suffrage  will  make 
univasaT  fools  of  is  all;-it  ain't  one  man  in  a  thousand 
knowrhow  to  choose  a  horse,  much  less  a  member,  and  yet 
therrare  some  standin'  rules  about  the  horse,  that  most  any 
!nc  can  larn,  if  he'll  give  his  mind  to  it.     There's  the  mark 
Tmouth^r-then  there's  the  limbs,  shape,  make    and  sound- 
nesTof  'em  ;  the  eye,  the  shoulder,  and,  above  a  1,  the  ac  .on 
?t  iems  aU  .lain  enough,  and  yet  it  takes  a  considerable  'cute 
LTro  n\ake  a  horse-jockey,  and  a  little  grain  of  the  rogue 
Z     for  "here  is  no  mistake  about  the  matter--you  must  lie  a 
f^v'to  put  'em  off  well.     Now,  that's  only  the  lowest  grade 
of  knowledge.     It  takes  more  skill  yet  to  be  a  n'^^g^Xt ,  "i 
A  nicrger.jockey,  said  he ;  for  heaven's  sake,  what  is  that  ? 
nevefheei'd  the  term  afore,  since  I  was  a  created  sinner-- 
hope  I  may  be  shot  if  I  did.     Possible,  said  I,  never  hee  .1 
tell  of  a  nigger-jockey  1     My  sakes,  you  must  come  to  tha 
Sates  thenl-wi'U  put  more  wrinkles  on  your  hom^    n  . 
month  than  you'li  get  in  twenty  years  here,  for  these  cnttct^ 
In't  know  Jothin''  .  A  nigger,ockey,  sir,  says      is  a  gen.^ 
man  that  trades  m  n.ggers,— uuys  them  .n  ^'"e  ^tat.   ana    _    _ 
them  m  another,  where  they  ar'n't  known.     It  s  a  beautilui 


TRAIWINO  A   OARRIBOO.  jjg 

In  niggers  to  buy  a  splenL  nltt^^^^^^  ^"^yf«•''•  ^'•«^'» 

that's'' up  to  it.  A  man  mni^^  hi  r  '  ^"*  "  ^•"  *  ^^^-^^  "»« 
takes  up'that  tradV,  ^Klt  to'bJ  I  7'  'f*?  l"^  °'^^^  ^« 
stead  of  putting  a  LLVL^L  ^  l^* ',"  '°''  '^  ^""self,  in. 
don't  show  thefr  aie  like  whU^^T '  !,^l'  '  '^  ^«^^'  ^'^'S^'''' 
older  than  they  loolc  A  iTt^f  /  '-^^/^u^y  °^"  ""^'^  «'^«y» 
a  clean  shirt,  a  the  too  h  1  ?''  ''"'"^  !,^"  J^'^'  g^^^^  ^e«^» 
•r  it's  got  gray!  keooJXt  '".!  ^'?^  ^^'^  ''^^  ^°«»  black 

a  glass^'o  whYUy'P  "two  aforTtht^'I^  T'/K  ^•^^"'  '^"" 
eye,  has  put  off  manyl°  Jd  ^gi^^  of  fiCietr'?  ?  'f 
does  more  than  trimmin'  «r.A^^  •  "  ^  "^^  ^^"^  'e'^'y*  Jt 
chalk.  Then Tf  a  In  Wnnw  ^''°''""".  ^  ^"''«^'  ^y  a  long 
in  the  next  State  for  mnin"  '.^'^ff^P^^'  ^^  «^^«  °"  «  «Pol 
bo's  hand/and  Sambo  slfnsth"<'";.'"Pr-  ^^''  ^°""«  '"  S«^' 
massa  there  and  r^nlH ^         ^f  •'  °^  ^"  ^^"^  "'^"ger,  meets 

Srst  mStorT^/"ndt.^''VJ''=  "''P  "^  Saml„  does  .ha 

know  the  quirks  of  the  Tw      F    h',^''^  ''^^"'  '^  ^«  ^^^' 
passed   off  once    on   n  ^.mk     '^"^  ?^'^^'  '"^8^*  «  Me 
Charleston,  Sc^th  Carr  iT   T\    ^c  '".^   ^^^"   ^'°^«  to 
lawyer  and  dS  .         Z^""?.  ^'""^^^^  ®'^^  '^  located  as  a 

one^day  as  I taTawaTkin'^:^^^       '""^"^  '"  *^^^  ''-•    ^^'ll 
cigar,  who  should  T  If  k^"^  °"^  "*  ^'''^"'  ^^'"o^in'  of  my 

he  could%leyerly  staTlr  oSh  TA''"  £'"  ^'^"^'  ^^  "'"^'^  ^^ 
slave  be  y7uTYoXZ^T  V'  1,r'^°'  ^^'^  ''  ^^^oso 
;here  for  ^a  man  oryour^vears''"S^^^^^^^  °' "  ^''T  '^^^ 
Ormighty  bless  vou^«nT/1-J  j  '  ^''^'^'  ^"^y^  he,  Gor 
one  hand  on  LToil?  a  f '1  ^°^"  ^^^  '°''^'^'  ^"^  puttin' 
^'raightenhTmself  °T'  itee'm  ^^oI'T 'of '  '^  "T"'  ^" 
-ore     I  purchased^  Cd:m  f^o^Hinl  .Vn^ff^di  ^''^ 


by  gosh  !     Says  he,  Pompey,  says 


ho. 


34 


THE  CLOCKMAKKR. 


you  one  werry  good  nigger,  werry  fuithful  nigger.     I  great 
opinion  of  you,  Pompey ;  I  make  a  man  ol  you,  you  dam  old 
tarbrush.     I  hope  I  may  be  skmned  alive  with  wild  cats  if  1 
don't.     How  much  money  you  save,  Pomp  1     Hundcr  dollars 
says  I.     Well,  sayis  he,  I  will  sell  you  your  freedom  for  thai 
are  little  sum.     Oh,  massa  gineral,  I  said,  I  believe  I  lib  and 
die  wid  you  ;— whal;  old  man  like  me  do  now  1     I  too  old  tor 
freeman.     O  no,  miissa,  leab  poor  old  Pomp  to  die  among  de 
niauers.     I  tend  young  massa  Gineral  and  little  missy  Oine- 
rat  and  teach  'em  how  to  cow-skin  de  black  villains.     Oh 
vou  smart  man  yet,,  he  says,— quite  sound,  werry  smart  man. 
vou  airn  a  great  deal  o'  money  :-I  too  great  regard  for  you 
to  keep  you  slave  any  longer.     Well,  he  persuade  me  at  last, 
and  I  buy  freedom,  and  now  I  starve.     I  hab  no  one  to  take 
care  ob  me  now;  I  old  and  good  for  nothm'—I  wish  old 
Pomp  very  much  dead ;— and  he  boohood  right  out  like  o 
child.     Then  he  sold  you  to  yourself,  did  he?     Yes,  massa 
said  he,  and  here  de  paper  and  de  bill  ob  sale.     And  he  told 
vou  vou  sound  man  yet  ]     True,  massa,  ebbcry  word,    i  hen, 
says  I,  come  along  with  me;  and  I  toatcd  him  along  into 
Siah's  office.     Sy,  says  I,  here's  a  job  for  you.      Ginera 
Crocodile  sold  this  poor  old  nigger  to  himself,  and  warrintcd 
him  sound  wind  an(i  limb.     He  cheated  him  like  a  cantin  hy- 
pocritical sinner  as  he  is,  for  he's  foundered  in  his  right  loot, 
and  ringboned  on  the  left.     Sue  him  on  his  warranty— there  s 
some  fun  in't.— Fun,  said  Sy,  I  tell  you  it's  a  capital^  joke ; 
and  he  jump'd  up  and  danced  round  his  office  asnappin  ol  his 
fincrers,  as  if  he  were  bit  by  a  galley-nipper.     How  it  will 
comflustriirate  old  Sim  Iletcr,  the  judge,  won  t  it  ?     I  U  bam 
bousle  him,  Pll  befocrify  his   brain  for  him  with  warranties 
general,  special,  and  implied,  texts,  notes,   and  comcntnes. 
I'll  lead  him  a  dance  through  civil  law,  and  common  law,  and 
statute  law ;  I'll  read  old  Latin,  old  French,  and  old  English 
to  him ;  I'll  make  his  head  turn  like  a  mill-stone ;  I  U  make 
him  stare  like  an  owl  atrying  to  read  by  day-light ;  and  he 
larfed  ready  to  kill  himself.     Sure  enough  he  did  bother  him 
so  agoin'  up  from  one  court  to  another,  that  Crocodile  was 
plad  to  compound  tlie  matter  to  get  clear  of  the  .joke,  and 
paid  old  Pomp  his  himdred  dollars  back  again  ;  that  s  a  fact. 

In  the  course  of  the  evenin',  Mr.  Buck,  the  member  elec* 
for  the  township  of  Flats,  in  the  Home  district,  came  in,  and 
I  introduced  him  with  much  ceremony  to  the  Bntih?her,  agivm 
of  him  a  wink  at  the  same  time,  as  much  as  to  say,  now  I II 


show  you  tho  way  _  ..„ 
midl,i  vow  I'm  glad  to 


TRAININO    A   CARRIDOO, 

Carriboo 


35 

Well,  Squire  Buck, 


Buck  and  all  to  homo?    „T  TJT''"";  ^'^  ^^^^^^^^^  ^^«'« 
:  give  you    lanks^f ~r fr"' /  ^'T ^     «'^««on'^blo  well, 

'em~thnt'I  „    •    .       ',  '"^y  "^""'^^  "o^ie  honest  men  a.nona 

things  with  von  aTu.nv  llv  '  '^°"'^  ''^^  ^°  '""^  over  these 
densmndin^  m  n  and  Lv?  T", '"'"  '  ^J^f  derable  of  an  on- 
Well,  said  I  nothin"wo^nH  h      r   ""  ^''^^  ^^"'  °^  ^^e  world. 

.?aSi;^  HSf  ^Tq<-^^^^^^^^^ 

other  folks'  doclril  a^H  ,„r,   '  ^  '"S".''  """  "'"'«'"' 

ahead,  righ,  ."ptLo™'  ITdio^^hn.Tow''  ''"'*'*' 

b™  Tn,l  In.  „,k'  ^'"^1"""^  llieir  own  business,  as  far  as  [ 

and  their  Sergy  aV"^^^^^^^^^  L'r"^'!'  T'^  '^    T'^^^  ^^^  ^^^^ 

S-ugh  tTa  evd  ^AnT'th'f  tr!'  ^f  ^?  «^«  '^  ^'' 
about  dividin'thpmamnn"  **'^''''  ^^^"''^'^  ^""^«--  t«'k 
mid  so  on  'iwr  ^i.°'*'^'  '^'^''  ^'^'n'  them  to  schools, 
»_.?";     -l fifties  no  harm    n  rohhinff  Pntr,.  :r ' 


J*auJ  with  it— a  fa 


ir  e.\c 


hange 


)bbing  Petnr  if 


von 


'verMhe„„.„d„p.HhaS„;;hTi.h:S 


p^y 


'=*,"o  /ol>bery,  all  the  world 
and  a  military 


26 


THE    CLOCKMAKER. 


massacre  of  a  poor  dissentin'  old  woman  that  was  baganutnd 
by  bloody-minded  sodgers  tvhile  tryin'  to  save  her  pig  Jt 
will  make  an  affectin'  speech,  draw  tears  from  tho  gallery, 
and  thunders  of  applause  from  the  House. 

Then  there's  judges,  another  grand  mark ;  and  councillors 
and  rich  men;  call  'em  the  littlo  big  men  of  a  httlo  colony, 
The   would-be  aristocracy-the  official   gang-the   favour  d 
few;  call  'em  by  their  Christian  and  surnames;  John  Uen 
and  Richard  Fen,  turn  up  your  noses  at  'em  l^ke  .^horses 
tail  that's  double-nick'd.     Salaries  are  a  never-ending  theme 
for  you ;  officials  shouldn't  be  paid  at  all ;  the  honour  is 
enoiih  for  'em;  a  patriot  sarves  his  country  for  nothin . 
Tuke%ome  big  salary  for  a  text,  and  treat  it  this  way  :  says 
you,  there's  John  Doe's  salary,  it  is  seven  hundred  and  thir  y 
pounds  a  year,  that  is  two  pounds  a  day.     Now,  says  you, 
that  is  sixteen  common  labourers'  pay  at  two  and  8>x-pence 
each  per  day  ;— shall  it  be  said  that  one  great  mammoth  offi- 
cial is  worth  sixteen  free  citizens  who  toil  harder  and  fare 
worse  than  he  does?  then  take  his  mconie  for  ten  years  and 
multiply  it.     See,  says  you,  in  ten  years  he  has  received  the 
enormous  sum  of  seven  thousand  five  hundred  pounds :  then 
run  over  all  the  things  seven  thousand  five  hundred  pounds 
would  effect  on  roads,  bridges,  schools,  and  so  on,  and  charge 
him  with  havin'  been  the  means  of  robbin'  the  country  ot  all 
these  blessin's:  call  'em  blood-suckers,  pampered  minions, 
bloated  leeches.     Then  there's  the  college,  says  you ;  it  s  lor 
the  aristocracy,  to  keep  up  distinctions,  to  rivet  our  fetters, 
make  the  rich  richer,  and  the  strong  stronger ;  talk  of  naUv. 
penius  and  self-taught  artists,  of  natur's  scholars,  of  home- 
fpun  talent;  it  flatt^ers  the  multitude  this-it's  pop lar,  you 
may  depend.     Call  the  troops  mercenaries,  vile  hirelings,  cle- 
graded  slaves;  turn  up  your  eyes  to  the  ceiling  and  invoke 
§efeat  and  slaughter  on  'em    if  they  dare  to  enforce  the  a 
talk  of  standing  armies,  of  slavery,  of  legionary    yr^ntS'-- 
call  'em  foreigners,  vulturs  thirsting  for  h\ood,--butchcrs,-- 
cverv  man  killed  in  a  row,  or  a  mob,  call  a  victim,  a  rnvr- 
deJd  m.n,-that's  your  sort,  my  darhn'-go  the  whole  hog 
and  do  the  thing  genteel.     Any  thing  that  gives  powr  to  the 
masses  will  please  the  masses.    If  there  was  "othin'  to  attack 
ther?>  would  be  no  champions;  if  there  is  "^  grievance  >^ 
must  make  one:  call  all  changes  reform,  vvhether  it  maizes  U 
better  or  not,-any  thing  you  vvaiu  to  alter  c.Ul  ^n  abuse. 
Mi  that  oppose  you,  call  anti-rcformers,  upholders  of  abuses, 


NICK    BRADSHAW. 


fn 


o.gots,  sycophants,  office-seeking  Tories.     Say  they  live  bv 
corruption,  by  oppress! n'  the  people,  and  that .  the  reasoJ 
they  oppose  all  change.     How  streaked  they'll  look,  won't 
they?     It  will  make  them  scratch  their  heads  and  stare.  I 
know.     If  there's  any  man  you  don't  like,  use  your  privilege 
and  abuse  h.m  hke  Old  Scratch,-lash  him  like  a  nigger,  cu! 
him  up  beautiful~oh,  it's  a  grand  privilege  that !     Do    his 
and  you'll  be  the  speaker  of  the  House,  the  first  pot-hook  on 
the  crane,  the  truckle-head  and  cap-sheave-you  will,  I  snore. 
Well  It  does  open  a  wide  field,  don't  it,  said  Mr.  Buck,  for  an 
ambitious  man?     I  vow,  I  believe  I'll  take  your  advice;  I 
like  the  Idea  amazin'ly      Lord,  I  wish  I  could  talk  like  you, 
--you  do  trip  It  ofl  so  glib-I'll  take  your  advice  tho'-I  will 
I  vow      Well  then,  Mr.  Buck,  if  you'really  will  take  my  ad- 
vice,    11  give  It  to  you,  said  I,  free-gratis  for  nothin'.     Be 
honest,be  consistent,  be  temperate;  be  rather  the  advocate 
of  interna    improvement  than  political  change;  of  rational 
reform  but  not  organic  alterations.     Neither  flatter  the  mob, 
nor  flatter  the  government ;  support  what  is  right,  oppose 
what  IS  wrong;  what  you  think,  speak;  try  to  satisfy  ?our! 
e  f  and  not  others;  and  if  you  are  not  popular,  you^wm  at 
least  be  respected ;  popularity  lasts  but  a  day,  respect  will 
descend  as  a  heritage  to  your  children.  ^ 


CHAPTER  IV. 

NICK  BRADSHAW. 
h JS-  ^f  ^G«spereaux  early  in  the  morning,  intending  to 
the  sun  tlTf^-  ^^"  "^^  ^^«  ^°°1  ^"d  bracing,^and 
of  tirk^rJ^^J'i?^  "'""'  '^'^  ^  ^"«tr«  over  the  scenery 
'lo^n.  ^^  ^^"^  '"^  ^"I'''^  ^^"^5^'  ^^^^^  g^v^  it  ^  fresh  and 
fhe  rio?!.  ^^^''"1''  ,  ^  ^P'""^^^  ^°"»t^y  this,  squire,  said 
tne  Ciockmaker ;  that's  a  fact ;  the  Lord  never  ^ade  the  beat 

than  anvT  K      ^""n  "^  ^"^^  ^^'^'^^^  ^^  ^he  farmin'  line 

uperfine^  tnU?  ^."^^'"f  t«'   S^and  grazin'  grounds  and 

superhne  tillage   lands.     A  man  that  know'd  what  he  was 

can  about  right.     Flanked  on  both  sides  by  an  orchard  c{ 


98 


THE  CLOCKMAKER. 


best-grnllcd  fruit,  a  tidy  little  clever  flower-garden  in  front, 
that  the  gulls  see  to,  and  a'most  a  grand  sarce  garden  over 
Ihe   road  there  sheltered  by  them  are  willows.     At  the  back 
side  see  them  everlastin'  big  burns ;  and,  by  gosh !  there  goes 
the   duiry    cows ;   a   pretty  sight   too,  that   fourteen  of  'em 
marchin'  Indgian  file  arter  niilkin',  down  to  that  are  medder 
Whenever  you  see  a  jjlace  all  snugged  up  and  lookin'  like  that 
are,  depend  on  it  the  folks  are  of  the  right  kind.   Them  flowers 
too,  and  that  are  honeysuckle,  and   rose-bushes   show  the 
family  are  brought  up  right;  somcthin'  to  do  at  home,  instead 
of  racin'  about  to  quiltin'  parties,  huskin'  frolics,  gossipin', 
talkin'  scandal,  and  neglectin'  their  business.     Them   little 
matters  are  like  throwin'  up  straws,  they  show  which  way  the 
wind  is.     When  galls  attend  to  them  are  things,  it  shows^that 
they  are  what  our  minister  used  to  call  "right-minded."     It 
keeps  them  busy,  and  when  folks  are  busy,  they  ha'n't  time  to 
get  into  mischief;  and  it  amuses  them  too,  and  it  keeps  the 
dear  little  critters  healthy  and  cheerful.     I  believe  I'll  alight 
and  breakfast  there,  if  you've  no  objection.     I  should  like  to 
see  that  citizen's  improvements,  and  he's  a  plaguy  nice  man 
too,  and  will  be  proud  to  see  you,  you  may  depend. 

We  accordingly  drove  up  to  the  door,  where  we  were  met 
by  yquire  James  Horton,  a  respectable,  intelligent,  cheerful- 
looking  man,  apparently  of  about  fifty  years  of  age.  He 
received  me  with  all  the  ease  and  warmth  of  a  man  to  whom 
hospitality  was  habitual  and  agreeable, — thanked  Mr.  Slick 
for  bringing  me  to  see  him,  and  observed  that  he  was  a  plain 
farmer,  and  lived  without  any  pretensions  to  be  other  than  he 
was,  and  that  he  always  felt  pleased  and  gratified  to  see  any 
stranger  who  would  do  him  the  favour  to  call  upon  him,  and 
would  accommodate  himself  to  the  plain  fare  of  a  plain  coun- 
tryman. He  said  he  lived  out  of  the  world,  and  the  conversa- 
tion of  strangers  was  often  instructive,  and  always  accep' 
able  to  him.  He  then  conducted  us  into  the  house,  anr! 
introduced  us  to  his  wife  and  daughters,  two  very  handsoi 
and  extremely  interesting  girls,  who  had  just  returned  from 
superintending  the  operations  of  the  dairy.  I  was  particularly 
struck  with  the  extreme  neatness  and  propriety  of  their  attire 
plain  and  suitable  to  their  morning  occupations,  but  scrupu- 
lously nice  in  its.  flip;  .irance. 

As  the  clo-k  si;  *.  k  r  t  ven,  (a  wooden  clock,  to  which  Mr. 
Slick  looked  with  evident  satisfaction  as  a  proof  of  his  pre- 
vioijs  acquaintance,)  the  family   were  summoned,  and   M". 


in  front, 
jen  over 
he  back 
lere  goes 
i  of  'em 

medder 
like  that 
n  flowers 
how  the 
;,  instead 
irossipin\ 
em   little 

way  the 
jows  that 
Jed."  It 
't  time  to 
ceeps  the 
i'll  alight 
Id  like  to 
nice  man 

were  met 
cheerful- 
age.  He 
to  whom 
Mr.  Slick 
as  a  plain 
;r  than  he 
o  see  any 
him,  and 
lam  coun- 
conversa- 
rs  accep* 
ouse,  anf^ 
handsoviit 
med  from 
irticularly 
leir  attire 
xt  scrupii- 


Mr. 


vhich 

i  his  ^ 
,  and   M 


nre- 


WICK  URADSHAW.  ag 

»'"'S  touching  in  ,hc  simpiici™„„d  fervour  rfhi?:,'""""- 
and  m  f he  unDrotrnrlin.r  «t,rU    / \  •    \  ^'^:"^'^  o'  '»'«  manner 

Araorica,  which    Tnlan   1         °'  ?''-''^'"  '°  ">"''"'»'  >" 

and  rcpocr,,:  language  ofV^CS  llr "  """^  '''^'"°''' 

b..sH<c  a  tir4;,'i:„:  s  ^r^t "  -,„e.s\ha. 

compare  with  any  of  vom    pli    Kr         ^'"''''  ''^'^   '"'S^t 
-k^er;  it  looks^ett;  Ltid^."t  fsliScTh^lt  J,f ^^  ^ 
have  great  advantages  in  this  country,  said  Mr  HnHnn    ^ 

trood  marknf«   K.,t  ,!,        •    ''^         P       ^'      ^^^^  "^ve  not  on  y 

taxation      We  W  a  SL'd^:^^^^^  "^^"^P*'-  ^-- 

are  well  and  iZlrt-vXt-^?T^ 

personallerr  ^!  yotiSr^wlhfh  "''^"*°^  ^^  ""^'^ 
order  of  society.  God  Cant  S  i  i^  ^  ^""'''^  """^  ^^"^ 
and  that  we  may  render  ouTspIvv  T^  l"""?  ^°"''""^  «°^ 
by  yielding  thelfom"i"f  grll^^  TaSo  h'?'  ''^J^".^^' 
«nd  Giver  of  all  trnn^  thLx        1  \  u    ■   ^  '^°  ^'"^^'^^  Author 

■hi.  .i,r,err:L^drut      "A  ;  /er  t  oTr/i";,  "f'=  '•'""'^  "^ 
SO.TO  of  his  arrancroments  inH  wof.fH        ^  interfenng  with 

like  .ffi.':;;'::'  ?ausri°„spr"'"  "'"''""'="  "■"'  ™™'  «^'--'y 

ho  buii,  ihu.'  wack  oTfZZ   ^h'  IT'-  -■J.hf-.^hen 
li«re,)  intendefltn  nrlrl  o  u    '  v"^}  .^«H   cm  a  fmii-nousc 

.nd  ic./i;i -f ,  -  rhiXr,-drr:;ers  ■ 


30 


•rtlE  CLOCXMAKER. 


part  as  well  as  the  old.     He  has  been  too  lazy,  you  see, 
remove  the  bankin'  p  u  there  the  first  fall,  to  keep  the  froa 
out  o'  the  cellar,  and  it  has  rotted  the  sills  off,  and  the  hous 
has  fell  awuy  irom  the  chimbley,  and  he  has  had  to  prop  i 
UP  with  that  j-roat  stick  of  tiiiber,  to  keep  it  from  comin 
down  on  its  knees  altogether.     All  the  winders  urc  boardei 
up  but  one,  and  that  has  all  the  glass  broke  out.    Look  at  th& 
barn !— the  roof  has  fell  in  in  the  middle,  and  the  two  t^able* 
stand  starin'  each  other  in  t'.K-  face,  us  if  they  would  idee  to 
come  closer  together  if  they  could,  and  consult  what  was  best 
to  be  dor^e.     Them  old  geese  and  vetren  fow  s,  that  are  so 
poor  the  toxes  won't  steal  'em  for  fearof  hurtm  their  teeth,— 
that  little  yallcr,  iantern.jawed,  long-legged,  rabbit-eared,  run! 
of  a  pis,  that's  so  weak  it  can't  turn  its  tad  up,~that  old 
frame  of  a  cow,  astandiu'  there  with  its  eyes  shot-to,  acontem- 
plotin'  of  its  latter  ecnd,— and  that  vurmint-lookm  horse,  wnh 
his  hocks  swell' d  bigger  than  his  belly,  that  looks  as  if  he  had 
come  to  her  funeral,— is  all  his  stock,  I  guess.     Ihe  goney 
has  showed  his  sense  in  one  thing,  however,  he  has  burnt  all 
his  fence  up;  for  there  is  no  danger  of  other  folks    cattle 
breakin'  into  his  field  to  starve,  and  gives  his  Old  Mooley  a 
chance  o'  sneakin'  into  his  neighbours'  fields  o'  nights  if  she 
find  an  open  gate,  or  a  pair  of  bars  down,  to  get  a  treat  ot 
clover  now  and  then.     O  dear,  if  you  was  to  get  up  airly 
of  a  mornin',  afore  the  dew  was  off  the  ground,  and  mow  that 
are  field  with  a  razor,  and  rake  it  with  a  fine-tooth  comb,  you 
wouldn't  ffet  stuff  enough  to  keep  one  grasshopper  throug.i 
the  winter,  if  you  was  to  be  hang'd  for  it.     'Spose  we  drive 
up  to  the  door  to  light  a  cigar ;  if  Nick  Braushaw  is  to  home, 
I  should  like  to  have  a  little  chat  with  him.     It's  worth  know- 
ing  how  he  can  farm  with  so  little  labour ;  for  any  thing  that 
saves  labour  in  this  country,  where  help  is  so  plaguy  dear,  is 
worth  larnin',  you  may  depend.  ,    ,  .     ,       •     tvt-  i 

Observin*T  us  pause  and  point  towards  his  domain,  JNicho- 
las  lifted  off  the  door  and  laid  it  on  its  side,  and,  emerging 
from  his  den  of  dirt  and  smoke,  stood  awhile  reconnoitermg 
us.  He  was  a  tall,  well-built,  athleticlooking  man,  possessed 
f  great  personal  strength  and  surprising  activity,  but  looked 
like  a  good-natured,  careless  fellow,  wlio  loved  talking  and 
smoking  better  than  work,  and  preferred  the  pleasures  of  the 
ta"-vn-m  tn  thP  lahnurs  of  the  field.  He  thinks  we  want  his 
vote,  said  the  Clockmaker.  He's  looking  as  big  as  all  ouldoora 
gist  now,  and  waitin'  for  us  to  come  to  him.     He  wouldn  t 


IVICK    DRADSHAW.  ^ 

er,  too.  Li't  he/wVhat  a^;  1  ±"L?^^?^^^^  '^''it. 

mouth  ?  The  fact  is  sou. I  t  h  '  ^''°'"^'  '''"^'^  P'P«  '«  Ji'3 

he  becomes  a  phlSS.-it^^h'rr'"'  "  "l""/-'*'^^^  '«  **  P'l'« 
the  mind,  soothes  the  te'r^^  In?I  ^r^^'J  "'""  '  ^"""^ '  "  ^^''^« 
trouble.  It  has  io  ZI'  °"^,'"^'^^«  «  "^^n  Patient  under 
masters,  inlu  "en^fa  h.^     fl^  """"'  ^°°^  husbands,  kind 

blessed  Ihing  k^l'^  'r^^a^.' H^^^^  ^t^?  ^"  ^V^^^' 
buried  a  pipS  and  a  «.kin  of  I  •  .  ''.  ^!^^S'«ns  always 

smokin'  sUuId  be  the  fash L^  in' th  '"'''  1''"'''*  i^"^^*  '"  ^^«^ 
""■ghtn't  go  unprovided      P  «?  l     ,    !  ."'^''^  '^"'■^^'  *'^«t  ^^ey 
»o  crown  in  it  nnH  tt     •      ,     ^"^^  ""^  ^"'"  •*  ^''^  hat  has  cot 
bale  of  a    "4       I  i    t'™  ^'""^''    '^^^^  '^^  *^'^  ^'-J^'  '^ke  u/e 
tatters  of  di/itt  cl^  TiSeT'  Ca/"  VV^^  ^" 
one  foot  and  an  ontanned  Ct „  ontt?"  H  '  h  r,  ^" 
hJs  beard  cut  s  nee  ln<t  «Ii«or>  ck      •  »        , .     .     "^  '^'^  t  had 
us  a  yearlin'  co"t      AnH  v^f  ^^''^""  '  ""^  ''^  '*'«'^«  "«  shaggy 
look  L.     Tha  aretrd  hat  /r  l''.'  ^^''  ''''".^''  ^''  ^  '^^^^ 
in',  he  has  both  hands    n  hi  T  '^"^  ""^  °"f  '''^^  ^"'^^  '^"o^" 
somethin'  worth  fedb'    her^  l'^''''  ^''''^'''^  "«  '^'  ^»«  ^'^d 
countof  thesLfl'  1  th    \u^''^  °"f.  ^^y*^*  ^hot-to  on  ac 

oven.  PhilosophvTs  liln^^n  gram-heavy  or  sour  out  of  the 
to  visit  them  as^V^tood  tall:"  ^TX'  ^'\^  ^^^'  '^  '''^^'^ 
poor  acquaintances   kafn'^mn.'^"^.^^?"»^  "  ^"«  «°"^o 

walkin'  lock  and  /ock  vub  '^  "^  ^'^  ^^  '^^" 
comes  thn'  To?     ^"""^'V^    ^"•-     ^"'  smokin' Here  he 

.nJfaL„tTh;"^pe'r.'of  J'°  '"^rT'  "'^  °'  Niched 
Iho  double  purmToC  r^Z^f  ^  ,        '"'  '?"'"'  ""''  ^O"*' 


sp„or-l,.v       ;    g^a'ing  these  (cats  of  amiitv  on  .|,.?  - 


'Mornin',  M,-.  Bradsh 


the 


flW,    S 


!ii'l  file  Clockmakor;  how's  all 


82 


THE   CLOCKMAKER. 


I 


lo  home  to-day?  Reasonable  well,  I  give  you  tlinnlcs.— 
won't  you  alight  1  Thank  you,  I  gist  stopt  to  light  a  cigar.— 
I'll  bring  you  a  bit  o'  fire,  said  Nick,  in  the  tvvinklin'  of  an 
eye;  and  bounding  off  to  the  house  with  similar  gigantic 
strides,  he  was  out  of  sight  in  a  moment.  Iluppy,  good- 
natured  citizen,  that  you  see,  squire,  said  Mr.  Slick,  he  hain't 
been  fool  enough  to  stiffen  himself  b"  hard  work  neither ;  for 
vou  see  he  is  as  supple  as  an  eel.  Tlie  critter  can  jumj)  like 
a  catamount,  and  run  like  a  deer ;  he'd  catch  a  fox  a'mosl. 
that  chap. 

Presently  out  bounded  Nick  in  the  same  antelope  style, 

.,;r»,.    ^..»n    V.;^    K<->n/)    n    liirVitnrI    livnnrl  nf  thri'fy    nr    10111'    lt^(1i 


waving 
long 


over  his  head  a  lighted  brand  of  three  or  four  leoi 
Here  it  is,  said  he,  but  you  must  be  quick,  for  this  soil 
green  wood  won't  hold  fire  in  no  time — it  goes  right  out.  It's 
like  my  old  house  there,  and  that's  so  rotten  it  won't  hold  a 
nail  now ;  after  you  drive  one  in  you  can  pull  it  out  with  your 
finger.  How  are  you  off  for  tobacoo  ?  said  Mr.  Slick.  Grand, 
said  he,  got  half  a  fig  left  yet.  Get  it  for  you  in  a  minit,  and 
the  old  lady's  pipe  too,  and  without  wailing  for  a  reply,  was 
curvetting  again  off  to  the  house.  That  goncy,  said  the 
Clockmaker,  is  like  a  gun  that  goes  off  at  half  cock — there's 
no  doin'  ifothin'  with  him.  1  didn't  want  his  backcy,  I  only 
wanted  an  excuse  to  give  him  some ;  but  it's  a  strange  thing 
that,  squire,  but  it's  as  sure  as  rates,  the  poor  are  every  where 
more  liberal,  more  ohligin\  and  more  hospitable,  according 
to  their  means,  than  the  rich  are :  they  beat  them  all  hollar, — 
it's  a  fact,  I  assure  you. 

When  he  returned,  Mr.  Slick  told  him  that  he  was  so  spry, 
that  he  was  out  of  hearing  before  he  could  stop  him ;  that  ho 
didn't  require  any  himself,  but  was  going  to  offer  him  a  fig  of 
first  chop  genuine  stuff  he  had.  Thank  you,  said  he,  as  he 
took  it,  and  put  it  to  his  nose; — it  has  the  right  flavo^u*  that— 
rather  weak  for  me,  tho'.  I'm  thinking  it  'II  gist  suit  the  old 
lady.  She  smokes  a  good  deal  now  for  the  cramp  in  hor  leg. 
She's  troubled  with  the  cramp  sometimes,  away  down  sonio- 
where  about  the  calf,  and  smokin',  they  say,  is  good  for  it. 

He  then  tooic  the  tobacco  very  scientifically  between  the 
forefinger  and  thumb  of  his  left  hand,  and  cut  it  into  small 
shreds  that  fell  into  the  palm.  Then  holding  both  knife  and 
fig  between  his  teeth,  he  rolled,  untwisted,  and  pulverised  the 
cut  tobacco  by  rubbinn  and  grinding  it  between  his  two  hands, 
and  refilled  and  lighted  his  pipe,  and  pronouncing  the  to])acco 
a  prime  article,  looked  the  very  picture  of  happiness.     How's 


NICK    IIRADSIIAVV. 

rrops  in  a  genornl  wny  this  yonr?  .«nid  Mr.  Slick.    MVII 


8S 


iIk 


are  nst  about  .nuldl,,,',  M  l.o  ;  the  soascs  ha'n't  l.ee  vorJ 
good  ately,and  somc-how  the  land  don't  boar  as  ^  od  fo 
jvhcn  I  was  a  boy ;  but  I'm  in  great  hope«  times  arc  coin'  o 
bo  beflor  now.  They  say  things  look  b  ighter"  /  TelTLld 
deal  encouraged  myself.  They  tell  mo  the  go;ernor's  a W^ 
to  appoint  a  new  council ;  1  guoss,  they'll  do  sun'thin'  t<,r Z 

brShi.:^'i'ii:r'  />■  ^'ir  •"';'^-'  ''-"^  i-'-'i/ti:u'wouid 

oe  sun  thm     ike,— it  would  make  tmies  (luito  brisk  anin— 

fhe  mat  ertt.  ''", .'"  ''"'  ''"''"''•'^'  ^'^""^  ^'^'^^^  ^^e  fact  o' 

he  matter  is  the  assemblymen  must  do  sun'thin'  for  the  conn 
ry  or  it  will  go  to  the  dogs,  that's  sartain.     Tl  ey  te    mT  c^" 
hat  the  couiici   doors  are  to  be  opened,  so  that  wc  can  hear 

a?dtt^L'V'^'i"'">^^f 
jaid  the  Clockmaker ;  ,t  will  help  the  farmers  amazin'ly  thai- 

•should  count  that  a  great  matter :  they  must  be  worth  hear  i'' 

hem  counsellors.     It's  quite  a  treat  to  hear  the  Ambers  ,' 

the  house,  particularly  when  they  talk  about  bankii'  currei 

cy,  constitution,  bounties,  and  s^uch  tough  knoUy  thiZ  !^ 

'enT  iS  "ilr  ,T  •'  /'T  T"^"'  '^"'^  ^--  -  --h  t  ;,ut 
cm.  It  s  quite  cdifyin'.     I've  larnt  more  new  thinLrs,  and  more 

han  ever  I  heerd  afore  in  my  life,  and  I  expect  t'other  houl 
will  be  quite  as  wise.   ,Well,  I'm  glad  to  hear  you  sav  so 
said  Nicholas;  I  feel  somehow  quite  atcouraJed^Zself'h' 
ve  had  a  bounty  of  about  a  shilling  a  bushel  for  raTn'W 

scratch  ilona  1  r^^.'"'^''*'  ^V?  ^  "^""^«  '^  ^'^'^e  o»t  to 
scratch  along  to  live  here ;  and  I'm  told  when  the  council 

doors  are  opened,  we  shall  actually  get  them.  T  must  sav   7 

^and  ^'%'%r.-^f  ^y^^lf'     But'stop,  said  he Jaying^hi. 

?he  ol^lnH '•'  ^^u^\  -^^  y°"  '''  '^'''  '^'•^  ^"'-"^Jnt  alooldn' arte 
It  h?m  i^J  Y^'^^ins  over  there  by  the  barn  ?    I  had  a  crack 

slrered  off^'.K^'^  ^'1  '"°  far  off-wait  abit;  and  he 
scampered  off  to  the  house,  brought  out  his  gun,  which  had 
been  previously  loaded,  and  throwing  himself  o^al  fours 
proceeded  towards  the  barn  as  rapidly  as  a  quadruncd  sZn 
stop,  daddy,  said  a  little  halk-naLd^imp  of  a  bov  sto^  n^^l' 
get  my  cock-shy.  Well,  bear  a  hand  th'en  said 'he^o?  Vl 
De  ott :  I  wont  wait  a  minit. 

wit^a  stvttn;l'1  h'^"/^"  ^rT\  ^"^  '•^'"•'"^^  »"  «»  instant 
with  a  short  round  hard  wood  club  in  his  hand,  and  throwing 


34 


THE  CLOCKMAKER. 


himself  in  the  same  posture,  thrust  his  head  under  the  skirts 
of  his  father's  coat,  and  crawled  after  him,  between  his  legs, 
the  two  appearing  like  one  long  monstrous  reptile.  The 
hawk,  obser^ring  this  unusual  motion,  rose  higher  into  the  air, 
as  he  slowly  sailed  round  the  building;  but  Nicholas,  not 
liking  to  be  balked  of  his  shot,  fired  at  a  venture,  and  fortu- 
nately  broke  his  wing.  Stop,  daddy,  said  the  boy,  recovering 
his  leet,  stop,  daddy,  it's  my  turn  now ;  and  following  the 
bird,  that  flew  with  inconceivable  rapidity,  like  an  ostrich, 
half  running,  half  flying,  threw  his  cock-shy  at  him  with  un- 
erring  aim,  and  killed  him.  Ain't  he  a  whopper,  daddy  ?  said 
he.  See  !  and  he  stretched  out  his  wings  to  their  full  extent 
— he's  a  sneezer,  ain't  he  1  I'll  show  him  to  mammy,  I  guess, 
and  oir  he  ran  to  the  house  to  exhibit  his  prize. — Make  a 
smart  man  that,  said  Nick,  regarding  his  boy,  as  he  carried 
off  the  bird,  with  looks  of  entire  satisfaction  :  make  a  consid- 
erable  of  a  smart  man  that,  if  the  assembly  men  would  only 
give  us  a  chance  ;  but  I  feel  quite  encouraged  now.  I  think 
we  shall  have  a  good  brood  of  chickens  this  year,  now  that 
thievin'  rascal  has  got  his  (lint  fixt ;  and  if  them  three  rcgi- 
ments  come  to  Halifax  that's  talked  of  this  winter,  poultry 
will  fetch  a'most  a  grand  price,  that's  sartain.  It  appears  to 
me  there's  a  hawk,  or  a  wild  cat,  or  a  fox,  or  a  lawyer,  or  a 
constable,  or  a  somethm'  or  another  for  everlastin'ly  a  both- 
erin'  of  a  poor  man ;  but  I  feel  quite  encouraged  now 

I  never  seed  that  critter  yet,  said  the  Clockmaker,  that  he 
didn't  say  he  felt  "  quite  encouraged ;"  he's  always  lookin'  for 
the  Assembly  to  do  great  things  for  him,  and  every  year  feels 
«♦  quite  encouraged"  that  they  will  do  sun'thin'  at  the  next 
session  that  will  make  his  forlin.  I  wonder  if  folks  will  over 
larn  that  politics  are  the  seed  mentioned  in  Scriptur'  that  fell 
by  the  road-side,  and  the  fowls  came  and  pick'd  them  up. 
They  don't  benefit  the  farmer,  but  they  feed  them  hungry 
birds, — the  party  leaders. 

The  bane  of  this  country,  squire,  and  indeed  of  all  America, 
is  Imvin'  too  much  land  ;  they  run  over  more  ground  than  they 
can  cultivate,  and  crop  the  land  so  severely  that  they  run  it 
out.  A  very  large  portion  of  land  in  America  has  been  run 
out  by  repeated  grain  crops,  and  when  you  add  that  to  land 
naterally  too  poor  to  bear  grain,  or  too  broken  for  cultivation, 
you  will  find  this  great  country  in  a  fair  way  to  be  ruined. 

The  State  of  Varment  has  nothin'  like  the  exports  it  used 
to  have,  and  a  plaguy  sight  of  the  young  folks  come  down  to 


MCK    BRADSHAW. 


35 


Doston  to  hire  out  as  helps.  The  two  CnrnVmn^  o«^  ir 
arc  covered  with  pl-es 'that  have  been  gi  en  u"t^^^^^^^^ 
and  many  other  States.  We  hav'n't  the  surplus  of  whea  ?ml 
gram  we  used  to  have  in  the  I^-nited  Sfatesfandit  never  will 
be  so  plenty  agin.  That's  the  reason  you  h^ar  of  folks  dlr 
in'  land,  makin'  a  farm,  and  sellin'  off  nain  nL?  .  T.^'^"^' 
into  the  bush  They';e  exhrustedt  a  d  find  It  "eaSefto' 
clear  new  lands  than  to  restore  the  old  ^ 

A  groat  deal  of  Nova  Scotia  is  run  out,  and  if  it  war'n't 
for  the  hme   mar.h-mud,  sea-weed,  salt-sand  and  whatnot 
hey  ve  got  he.;e  m  such  quantities,  there'd  b^  no  cure  for  i' 
t  takes  good  farmin'  to  keep  an 'upland  locaSon Torder 
I  tell  you,  and  make  it  sustain  itself.     It  takes  mnrlt^Tfi! 
H  farm    to   that's  had  the  gizzard  Uen  out  ofT  th       v^ 

robbm' of  posterity  goes  on  for  another  century  as  it  has  oro 

a  thing  that  scares  me,  it's  this. 

in  ^S°r  ''""°  l""'"''-  *  ™''*  ^'''"'i  "s.  «>><)  when  we  turned 

'^T!  ^.tif-hri  tnr  :j:^^z  '^  ^  f^^^ 

onin,V.n      wV    J    '  ^"^  ^  ^''""'^  ^'^^  amazin'ly  to  have  vour 

c::^^i.l';;.f;rrZa'^^^  sL^^ot-th^t-  iS 

ff;rh?^^»;;^-SKof-Xj^e^^^^ 

and  Gasperaux  are  up;  who  do  vou  no  for?     T  InV 
ejther  of  'em  ;  I  wouldn't  give  a  crw^'f  tbake/rr  boTh  tn" 

Z  \^'''  ''  *"  r  ^^"  8^^  •     W^"'  I  don't  Lnno^'!;  ' 
~  "  ''■^^^  "^a^^er  to  us :  who  would  you  advise  m" 


ToF?    \xTu    •  •  \  \  '  ^""^  vvouia  you  ad\ 

ior  1   Who  18  agoin'  for  to  do  the  most  good  for 


vote 


you?    Ayles. 


80 


•iriK   CLOCKMAKER. 


fopJ.  Who  promises  you  the  most?  Aylesford.  Vote  fr 
t'other  one  then,  lor  I  never  seed  or  heard  tell  of  a  feller  yet 
that  was  very  ready  with  his  promises,  that  warn't  quite  as 
ready  to  break  them,  when  it  suited  his  purpose;  and  it 
Aylesford  comes  abotherin'  you,  call  our  little  Nick  with  hiii 
"cock-shy,"  and  let  him  take  a  shot  at  him.  Any  critter 
that  finds  out  that  all  the  world  are  rogues,  and  tells  of  the 
great  things  that  he's  agoin'  for  to  do,  ginerally  overlooks  the 
biggest  rogue  of  all,  and  that's  himself.  Oh !  Gaspereaux  for 
ever !  he's  the  man  for  your  money,  and  no  mistake.  Well, 
said  Nicholas,  I  believe  you're  half  right.  Aylesford  did 
promise  a  shillin'  a  bushel  bounty  on  potatoes  tho',  but  I  be- 
lieve he  lied  arter  all.  I'll  take  your  advice. — I  feel  quite 
encouraged  noio.  If  you'd  like  a  coal  To  light  your  cigar  by, 
said  he,  I'll  step  in  here  and  get  you  one.  Thank  you,  said 
Mr.  Slick ;  I  have  no  occasion  for  one  gist  now.  Well,  I 
believe  I'll  drop  in  and  light  a  pipe  there  myself  then,  any 
how.     Good-b'ye — I  feel  quite  encouraged  now. 

Oh  dear !  said  the  clockmakcr,  what  a  good-natered,  good- 
for-nothin'  simple  toad  that  is.  I  suppose  when  the  sheriff 
takes  the  vote  of  such  cruters,  he  flatters  himself  he  takes 
the  sense  of  the  county.  What  a  difference  atween  him  and 
Hf)rton !  The  one  is  a  lazy,  idle  critter,  wanderin'  about 
lalkin'  politics,  or  snarin'  rabbits,  catchin'  eels,  or  shootin' 
hawks,  and  neglectin'  his  work,  and  a  pretty  kettle  of  fish 
he's  made  of  it.  The  other,  a  careful,  steady-goin',  indus- 
trious man,  that  leaves  politics  to  them  as  likes  dabblin'  in 
troubled  waters,  and  attends  steadilv  to  his  business,  and  he's 
a  creclvt  to  his  country. 

Yes,  too  much  land  is  the  ruin  of  us  all  this  side  o'  tho 
water.  Afore  I  went  to  England  I  used  to  think  that  the  on- 
equal  divisions  of  property  there,  and  the  system  of  landlord 
and  tenant,  was  a  curse  to  the  country,  and  that  there  was 
more  dignity  and  freedom  to  the  individual,  and  more  benefit 
to  the  nation,  for  every  man  to  own  the  land  he  cultivated,  as 
with  us.  But  I've  changed  my  mind  ;  I  see  it's  the  cause  of 
the  high  state  of  cultivation  in  England,  and  the  prosperity 
of  its  asriculture.  If  the  sreat  men  had  the  land  in  their 
own  hands  there,  every  now  and  then  an  improvident  one 
would  skin  the  soil,  and  run  it  out;  bein'  let  to  ortiers  ho 
can't  do  it  himself,  and  he  takes  plaguy  good  care  by  his  lease 
his  tenant  shan't  do  it  neither.     Well  then,  there  he  is,  wilb 


Vote  fr 
I  feller  yet 
I't  quite  as 
•se;  and  it 
:k  with  hia 
\.ny  critter 
tells  of  the 
eriooks  the 
pereaux  for 
ke.  Well, 
lesford  did 
>',  but  I  be- 
^  feel  quite 
ir  cigar  by, 
1  you,  said 
'.  Well,  I 
then,  any 

ered,  good- 
the  sheriff 
If  he  takes 
3n  him  and 
erin'  about 
or  shootin' 
ttle  of  fish 
oin',  indus- 
dabblin'  in 
is.  and  he's 

side  o'  the 
hat  the  on- 
of  landlord 
t  there  was 
lore  benefit 
dtivated,  as 
le  cause  of 

prosperity 
nd  in  their 
evident  one 
)  ortiers  ho 
by  his  lease 

ho  is,  wil  l> 


87 


NICK    BRADSHAW.  _ 

mortgages  them  o'  paTthelt  "of  Z'j;  "  '"7"^  T'^^  ^^ 
stock  his  farm   and  worl  ?/  ^^  P"°^'  ^«  ^'"^  able  to 

nigger  all  hb'  m  anSV;  ^'°^^'  '  \  ^"^  ^^  ^^^^'^  ^i'^^  « 
run  out  in  hi  hands  and  ?  P°°'  "'Jf ''  ^^'"'^  '^'^  ^'^"^  gers 
he  was  to  hire  the  farm  111  ^''°'^.  ^°'  ^'^'  ^^*^''-  ^^^'  ^^' 
chase  ^vouIdstocLrcoi^  ^°^  '^'  P^^ 

wait  for  market^!-  oHutcat^^^^^  '""^  ^'  1^'^°  labour,i.to 
advantage.     He'd  mak^^n.?.      u   ^^""^'^  *"^  '°  ««"  ^hem  to 

throw  th^e  cosfof  aH^renaiTsS  "^  ""'''  ^'^"^'  ^^^"^  ^^'^ 
But  you   might  ta^km  Inn    ^'"P^^^^^^e^ts  <>«  the  owner. 

wouldn't  perfuade  folk  "o/?hatTt#'^'^^^^^^  ^1^'  ^'^ 
rious  privilege  of  having  a  JatT  tn  •  .''"""''y*  "^'^^  g'"" 
inemir,  carries  the  dav^  w!?'  ^'I''  ^°  '°"™^  ^^"•^y  «^'  a 
'ege  that,  for  it  Ln/tl  ""^^  *^^^  ''^"  ''  *  dear  privi. 

high  state  of  general  rnlfWi^^fu       •  ^^^  "^^^^  ^an  be  a 
the  labour  of^SrSLfai^^^^^^  Agriculture  wants 

both  must  go  hanlThaVd"'  wlTHstttoTT'^ 
alone,  it  must  dwindle  for  w«nt  !^r  !°  ^^®  ^*^"^er 

must  dwindle  too  A  natinn  ^^"?^ans~and  the  country 
one,  if  it  ZTL  ?'  ^''^^  '^  '*  J«  as  big  as  our  great 

adopted  in  i'^^ust  r^out  V"  ''  ^^"''°^'  ^^  '^ 
now.  Vm  m'osTp  Iguy  afeerd  w«  21,""^"'^°^"'  ?^^  P^°^««^ 
A  country  is  but  a  larJ  !!L,  ®.^^"  '""  °"^'  that's  a  fact, 
tilled  and  hard  crooned^^V  f  •  'f'^'—^^d  ^^  it  «  badly 
lancholy  spLtacK^^^^^  LZ'  '?  '^!  f".^'  P'^^^"^  '^^  "^^^ 


38 


THE    CLOCKMAKER. 


CHAPTER  V. 

TRAVELLING  IN  AMERICA. 

Did  you  ever  drink  any  Thames  water,  si\u\re1  saiJ  thfl 
Clockniaker;  because  it  is  one  of  the  greatest  nateral  cunosi- 
tics  in  the  world.     When  I  returned  from  Poland,  in  the  hait 
spekelation,  I  sailed  from  London,  and  we  had  Thames  water 
on  board.     Says  I  to  the  captain,  says  I,  I  guess  you  want  to 
pyson  us,  don't  you,  with  that  are  nasty,  dirty,  hornd  stutf? 
how  can  you  think  o'  takin'  such  water  as  that  ?     Why,  says 
he,  Mr.  Slick,  it  does  make  tlie  best  water  in  the  warid-- 
that's  a  fact ;  yes,  and^the  best  porter  too ;  it  farments,  work<» 
off  the  scum,  clarifies  itself,  and  beats  all  natur' ;— and  yet 
look  at  all  them  are  sewers,  and  drains,  and  dye  stuffs,  and 
factory-wash,  and  onmentionables  that  are  poured  into  it;— -it 
beats  the  bugs,  don't  it?     Well  squire,  our  great  country  is 
like  that  are  Thames  water,— it  does  receive  the  outpourm  s 
of   the    world,— homocides    and    regicides,— jail-birds    and 
galley-birds, — poor-house  chaps  and  workhouse  chaps,— re- 
bels, infidels,  and  forgers,— rogues  of  all  sorts,  sizes,  and 
degrees,— but  it  farments,  you  see,  and  works  clear;  and 
what  a'most  a  beautiful  clear  stream  o'  democracy  it  does 
make,— don't  it?     Not  hot  enough  for  fog,  nor  cold  enough 
for  ice,  nor  limey  enough  to  fur  up  the  bylers,  nor  too  hard  to 
wash  clean,  nor  raw  enough  to  chop  the  skin, — but  gist  the 
thing ;  that's  a  fact.     I  wish  to  gracious  you'd  come  and  see 
for  yourself.     I'd  go  with  you  and  cost  you  nothin'.     I'd  take 
a  prospectus  of  a  new  work  and  get  subscribers  ;  take  a  pat- 
tern  book  of  the  Lowell  factories  for  orders;  and  spekilate  a 
little  by  the  way,  so  as  to  clear  my  shot  wherever  we  went. 

You  must  see  for  yourself,— you  can't  larn  nothni'  from 
books.  I  have  read  all  the  travels  in  America,  and  there 
ain't  one  that's  worth  a  cent.  They  don't  understand  us. 
They  remind  me  of  a  lawyer  examinin'  of  a  witness ;  he  don  I 
want  either  the  truth,  the  whole  truth,  or  nothin'  but  the  truth, 
out  he  wants  to  pick  out  of  him  gist  so  much  as  will  prove 
his  case,  d'ye  see,  and  would  like  him  to  keep  dark  about  the 
test ;  puts  artful  questions  to  him  on  purpose  to  get  an  answer 
to  suit'him  ;  stops  him  when  he  talks  too  fast,  leads  him  when 


TRAVELLIXO    IV    AMERICA. 


39 


ho  goes  too  slow,  praises  his  own  witnesses  sky  high,  and 
abuses  the  other  side  for  lyin',  equivocatin',  parjuJed  Villains. 

11  ^  ?!  ^^  *'".^''  "'"''^^  ^"S''^'^  travellers ;  instead  of  lookin' 
all  round  and  scein' into  things  first,  and  then  comin'  to  an 
opinion,  they  make  up  their  minds  afore  they  come,  and  then 
look  for  facts  to  support  their  views.  First  comes  a  great 
high  tory,  and  a  republic  smells  so  bad  in  h:s  nostrils,  h«'s 
got  his  nose  curl  d  up  like  a  pug-nose  dog  all  thro'  his  jour, 
ney.  He  sees  no  established  church,  and  he  swears  there's 
no  religion,-  and  he  sees  no  livery  helps,  and  he  says  it's  all 
Irl^Z'  ""t  1    ^"^  ''"^'i"  ''^'^^"  'I^^*'  he  jumps  a  one  side  as 

and  fhP^  P  n  "  'r^" ,  "^^°'"'  °^^-  '^^^^  ^°"^^«  ^  radical, 
(and  them  English  radicals  are  cantankcrous-lookin'  critters 
—that  s  a  lact,— as  sour  as  vinegar,  and  lookin'  as  cross  and 
as  hungry  as  a  bear  gist  starved  out  in  the  spring,)  and  they 
say  we  have  the  slavery  of  opinion  here;  that  our  preachers 

ThTL"^?  ''°"'?^'^'  1"/^  *h^*  °"''  g'^^t  ^'^'^s  are  cursed  with 
the  aristocracy  of  wealth.  There  is  no  pleasin'  either  on  'em. 
1  hen  come  what  minister  used  to  call  the  Optimists,  a  set  of 
folks,^  who  talk  you  deef  about  the  perfectibility  of  human 
na  ur  ;  that  men,  like  caterpillars,  will  all  turn  into  beautiful 
.n-itters  with  wings  like  butterflies,_a  sort  of  grub  angels  :- 
that  our  great  nation  is  a  paradise,  and  our  folks  agettin'  iut 
o  the  chrysohs  state  into  somethin'  divine. 

I  seldom  or  never  talk  to  none  o'  them,  unless  it  be  to  bam 
em.  1  hey  think  they  know  every  thing,  and  all  they  got  to 
do  IS,  to  up  Hudson  like  a  shot,  into  the  lakes  full  splil,  off  to 
Mississippi  and  down  to  New  Orleans  full  chisel,  back  to  New 
York  and  up  KiliocK,  and  horns  in  a  liner,  and  write  a  book. 
Ihey  have  a  whole  stock  of  notes.  Spittin'—gougin',— 
lynchin  ,— burnm'  alive,— steam-boats  blowed  up,~sna'T«s  — 

tT^r^t'f'^-'F'r'^-''^'^  pvisons,_men  talk  slow.'^ 
women  talk  loud,-.both  walk  fast,-chat  in  steam-boats  and 
8tage.coaches,-anecdotes,  and  so  on.  Then  out  comes  a 
hlr  •  !  »  .u^  ^°7  '''"^^'  '^'  ^^6"  ^Iie  tory  papers  say  it's  the 
If  arS:  ^^  ^T  r" '-lively,  interest',  intelligent! 
vnvt  /  I  '  ''^"  '^.^!?^'  P^P^'"  ^"^y  '^  '^  a  very  philosophical 
Tint^  kTT  >  V'"*^^:  ^'''  °^^^'  !''«  h^^^  in  it,  and  cruel 
1  ri^^w"  S  ^'  '  f'"?  '"  V^^^^'^phy,  that  chap,)  statesman- 
Uke  view,  able  work,  throws  great  light  on  the  politics  of  the 

TC.y.  t-T    "  ^F^^  ^  ^h"^"  '-'^  *°b^^l^^y  ^^r  *l^c  books  of  all 
ot  em  tied  up  and  put  into  a  meal-bag  together. 

Our  folks  sarve  'em  as  the  Indgians  used  to  sarve  the  gulls 


4C 


THE   CLOCKMAKER. 


down  to  Sqiiantum  in  old  pilgrim  times.  The  cunnin'  critters 
used  to  muko  a  sort  o'  fish  fhvkes,  and  catch  hcrrin'  and  torn 
coda,  and  such  sort  o'  fish,  and  ptit  'cm  on  the  flakes,  and  then 
crawl  onder  themselves,  and  as  soon  as  the  gulls  lighted  to 
cat  the  fish,  catch  hold  o'  their  legs  and  pull  'em  thro'.  Arter 
that,  whenever  a  feller  Avas  made  a  fool  on  and  took  in,  they 
used  to  say  he  was  gulled.  Well,  if  our  folks  don't  gull  them 
British  travellers,  it's  a  pity.  They  do  make  proper  fools  on 
'em  ;  that's  a  fact. 

Year  afore  last,  I  met  an  English  gall  a  travellin'  in  a 
steam-boat;  she  had  a  French  name  that  I  can't  recollect,  tho' 
I  got  it  on  the  tip  o'  my  tongue  too  :  you  know  who  I  mean — 
she  wrote  books  on  economy, — not  domestic  economy,  as 
galls  ought,  but  on  political  economy,  as  galls  oughtent,  for 
they  don't  know  nothin'  abo<jt  it.  She  had  a  trumpet  in  her 
liand, — thinks  I,  who  on  airth  is  she  agoin  to  hail,  or  is  she 
agoin'  to  try  echoes  on  the  river  ?  I  watched  her  for  some 
time,  and  I  found  it  was  an  ear  trumpet. 

Well,  well,  says  I,  that's  onlike  most  English  travellers  any 
way,  for  in  a  giniral  way  they  wear  magnifying  glasses,  and 
do  enlarge  things  so,  a  body  don't  know  'em  ag'in  when  he 
sees  'em.  Now,  this  gall  won't  hear  one  half  that's  said,  and 
will  get  that  half  wrong,  and  so  it  turned  out.  Says  she  to 
me,  Beautiful  country  this  Mr.  Slick ;  says  she,  I'm  transported. 
Transported,  said  I,  why,  what  onder  the  sun  did  you  do  to 
home  to  get  transported  ? — but  she  larfed  right  out  like  any 
thing;  delighted,  I  mean,  said  she,  it's  so  beautiful.  It  ia 
splendid,  said  I,  no  doubt ;  there  ain't  the  beat  of  it  to  be  found 
any  where.  Oh  !  said  she,  what  views,  what  scenery,  what 
woods,  what  a  river  I  how  I  should  like  to  soar  away  up  with 
that  are  eagle  into  the  blue  sky,  and  see  all  its  beauties  spread 
out  afore  me  like  a  map  I  How  grand— every  thing  is  on  a 
grand  scale  1  Have  you  seen  the  Kentuckians  ?  said  I.  Not 
yet,  said  she.  Stop  then,  said  I,  till  you  see  them.  They  are 
on  a  scale  that  will  please  you,  I  guess  ;  whopping  big  fellows 
them,  I  tell  you ;  half  horse,  half  alligator,  with  a  touch  of 
the  airthquake.  I  wasn't  a  talking  of  the  men,  said  she,  'tis 
the  beauties  of  natur'  I  was  admiring.  Well,  .said  I,  once  on 
a  time  I  used  to  admire  the  beauties  of  natur'  too,  but  I  go 
cured  of  that.  Sit  down  on  this  bench,  said  she,  and  tell  me 
how  it  Avas ; — these  kind  o'  anecdotes 


"  moral  of  feelin'." 
of  feelin' I"    Well  if 


Thinks  I,  this  is  ph 
musquitoes 


serve  to  illustrate  the 

ilosophy  now,  "  moral 

llustrate   vou» 


TRAVELLING    IN    AMERICA. 


41 


moral  of  leellng  for  you,  some  of  these  nights,  I'm  mistaken. 
Very  immoral  fellows,  those  'skeeters.  misiaKen. 

Pnnnf '  '""'"^  ^'  i"/  ^''^  ^^''''^^  '"  ^^c  Clock-trado  was  up 

rlocks      W'henf/  T^^'  '?^  ^^^^  "^"^  "P  ^uron  witE 
^hor!  n  'r''^'^^  °"''  ^^''f'  ^t  C;ratiot,  who  did  I  find 

there  as   commander  of  the  party,  but  the  son  of  an  oH 
Amencan  hero,  a  sargent  at  Bunker's  Hill.     Well,  be^'  tho 
6on  of  an  old  veteran  hero  myself,  it  made  quite  a  feUowshin 
a  ween  us,  hke.     He  bought  a  clock  o'  me,  and  invhed  me  S 
stay  with  him  till  a  vessel  arrived  for  Michigan.   Well,  iTthe 
ailernoon,  we  went  for  to  take  tea  with  a  gentleman  that  had 
settled  near  the  fort,  and  things  were  sot  out  in  an  arbour 
surrounded  with  honeysuckle,  and  Isabella  grape,  and  wha; 
not;  there  was  a  view  of  the  fort  from  it,  and  that  elcgan 
Hke  and  endless  forest,-  it  was  lovely-that's  a  fact;  aKe 
birds  flocked  round  the  place,  lighted  on  it,  and  sung'so  swee^ 
-I  thought  It  was  the  most  romantic  thing  I  ever  seed  since 
I  was  a  created  sinner.   So  said  I  to  his  wife,  (a  German  lady 

fTiX.:  ^I'LTjf  ^^^^^^  -d  h  your  a 


I  ne'vprl/^    ^'^  '"^  "°''  "P^""*     ^°^'^'  ''  "^"^e  me  sick  ! 
1  never  had  any  romance  in  me  arter  that. 

Here  the  English  gall  turned  round  and  looked  at  me  for  a 

space  quite  hard.     Said  she,  you  are  a  humorous  people,  Mr 

Slick;  you  resemble  the  Irish  very  much,~you  Vemind  me 

gj^atly  of  that  lively,  light-heartcd,'agreeai:ie  people    Thank 

ou,  said  I,  marm,  for  that  compliment ;  wi  a  e  gineraUy 

resf    ti'  '"''t'"  "''^  ""'^''ry  '""^^h'  both  in  lo^oks  and 

from  t'hl'lireLl'"  ^"'^  ""^^'"  ""'''  ^^''^"  ^^^^  «-^  ^-^ 

Arter  a  considerable  of  a  pause,  she  said.  This  must  be  a 

re  igious  country,  said  she,  ain't  it?  for  religion  is  the  "high- 

es  fact  m  man's  right,  and  the  root  of  all  ^democracy."     If 

^rZefll-J^"  T  °^^T°^^^^>^'  -^^  J'  '^'  bear  J  soml 
strange  fruit  sometimes,  as  the  man  said  of  the  pine-tree  the 
five  gamblers  were  Lynched  up  to  Vixburg.     Tm^ glad  to  see 

vlht''^"  ^''  ""  establishment-it's  fn  incubL-i  dead 
no  f J"!":^.  "\Shtmare.     I  ain't  able,  said  I;  I  can't  afford  it 

ThenTthnrr  '  u?'  '^'^  ^'}  "^"'^  sot  no  one  to  have  me. 
Ihem  that  I  would  have  won't  have  me,  and  them  that  would 


49 


THE   CLOCKMAKEn. 


hnvo  mc,  the  devil  wouldn't  have,  so  I  don't  sec  aa  I'm  like 
lo  bo  troubled  with  a  nightmare  for  one  while.  I  don't  mean 
that,  said  she,  laughin' ;  I  mean  an  Established  Church.  Oh! 
nn  Established  Church,  said  I ;  now  I  understand;  but  when 
I  hear  ladies  talk  of  establishments,  I  always  think  they 
have  matrimony  in  their  heads.  The  truth  is,  squire,  I  don  t 
like  to  hear  English  people  come  out  here,  and  abuse  their 
church  ;  they've  got  a  church  and  throve  under  it,  and  a  na- 
tional character  under  it,  for  honour  and  upright  dealin',  such 
us  no  other  people  in  Europe  have :  indeed,  1  could  tell  you 
of  some  folks  who  have  to  call  their  goods  English  to  get 
them  oflT  in  a  foreign  land  at  all.  The  name  sells  'cm.  You 
may  boast  of  this  tree  or  that  tree,  and  call  'em  this  diction- 
ary name  and  that  new-fangled  name,  but  give  me  the  tree 
that  bears  the  best  fruit,  I  say. 

A  church  must  be  paid,  and  the  mode  don't  much  signify ; 
at  any  rate,  it  ain*t  for  them  to  abuse  it,  tho'  other  folks  may 
choose  to  copy  it,  or  let  it  alone,  as  it  convenes  them.  Your 
people,  said  she,  are  in  advance  of  the  clergy ;  your  ministers 
are  half  men,  half  women,  with  a  touch  of  the  noodle.  You'd 
be  better  without  'em ;  their  parochial  visits  do  more  harm 
than  good.  In  that  last  remark,  said  I,  I  concur;  for  if  there's 
a  gall  in  their  vicinity,  with  a  good  fortin',  they'll  snap  her  up 
at  once ;  a  feller  has  no  chance  with  'em.  One  on  'cm  did 
brother  Eldad  out  of  one  hundred  thousand  dollars  that  way. 
I  don't  speak  of  that,  said  she,  rather  short  like ;  but  they 
haven't  moral  courage.  They  are  not  bold  shejjherds,  bul 
timid  sheep ;  they  don't  preach  abolition,  they  don't  meddle 
"with  public  rights.  As  to  that,  said  I,  they  don't  think  ii 
right  to  hasten  on  the  crisis,  to  preach  up  a  servile  war,  to 
encourage  the  blacks  to  cut  their  masters'  throats ;  they  think 
it  a  dangerous  subject  any  way ;  and  besides,  said  I,  the} 
have  scruples  o'  conscience  if  they  ought  to  stir  in  it  at  all 
These  matters  are  state  rights,  or  state  wrongs,  if  you  please, 
and  our  Northern  States  have  no  more  right  to  interfere  in 
'em  than  they  have  to  interfere  in  the  affairs  of  any  other  in- 
dependent sovereign  state  in  Europe.  So  I  don't  blame  minis- 
ters much  for  that,  arter  all, — so  come  now.  In  England, 
says  I,  you  maintain  that  they  ought  not  to  meddle  with  pub- 
lic rights,  and  call  'eni  political  priests,  and  all  that  sort  o' 
thing,  and  here  you  abuse  'em  for  not  meddlin'  with  'em ;  call 
'em  cowards,  dumb  dogs,  slaves  to  public  opinion,  and  what 
not     'i'here's  no  pleasin'  some  folks. 


TRAVELMNO    Ilf    AMERICA. 


4a 


As  to  religion,  says  I,  beiri'  the  «•  root  of  democracy,"  it'g 
the  ro<.t  of  monarchy  too,  nnd  nil  governments,  or  ought  to 
be;  and  there  ain't  that  wide  dideronce  arter  all  atween  the 
two  countnes  some  folks  thinly  on.     Government  here,  both 
•n  theory  and  practice,  resides  with  the  people;  nnd  reliaion 
IS  under  the  caro  of  the  rncl  government.    With  you,  govern- 
ment  is  in  the  executive,  and  religion  is  m  the  hands  of 'the 
government  there.     Church  and  state  are  to  a  sartain  extent 
connected   therefore  in  both.     The  ditFerenco  with  us  is,  wo 
don  t  prefer  one  and  establish  it,  and  don't  render  its  support 
compulsory.     Better,  perhaps,  if  we  did,  for  it  burns  pretfy 
near  out  sometimes  hero,  and  has  to  be  brought  to  by  revivals 
and  camp-mcetins',  and  nil  sorts  of  excitements;  and  when 
It  does  come  to,  it  don't  give  a  steady  clear  light  for  some 
time,  but  spits  and  sputters  and  cracks  like  a  candle  that's  cot 
a  drop  o  water  on  the  wick.     It  don't  seem  kinder  rational, 
neither,  that  screamin' and  screechin',  and  hoopin' and  hoi- 
lerin  ,  like  possest,  and  tumblin'  into  faintin's,  and  fits,  nnd 
swoons,  and  what  not. 

/  don't  like  preachin'  to  the  narves  instead  of  the  judg. 
ment.—{  recollect  a  lady  once,  tho'.convarted  by  preachin' to 
her  narves,  that  was  an  altered  woman  all  the  rest  o'  her 
days.     How  was  that?  said  she;  these  stories  illustrate  the 
science  of  religion."     I  like  to  hear  them.     There  was  a 
ady,  said  I,  (and  1  thought  I'd  give  her  a  story  for  her  book,) 
that  tried  to  rule  her  husband  a  little  tighter  than  was  acrreea- 
ble,— meddlin  with  things  she  didn't  onderstand,  and  dictatin' 
in  matters  of  politics  and   religion,  and  every  thing  a'most. 
feo  one  day  her  husband  had  got  up  considerable  airly  in  the 
mornin  ,  and  went  out  and  got  a  tailor,  and  brought  him  into 
his  wite  s  bed-room  afore  she  was  out  o'  bed  :— «  Measure 
that  woman,"  said  he,  "for  a  pair  of  breeches;  she's  detar- 
mined  to  wear  'cm,  and  I'm  resolved  folks  shall  know  it," and 
he  shook  the  cowskin  over  the  tailor's  head  to  show  him  he 
intended  to  be  obeyed.     It  cured  her,— she  begged,  and  pray, 
en,  and  cried,  and  promised  obedience  to  her  husband.     H,. 
spared  her,  but  it  efTcctuated  a  cure.     Now  that's  what  I  call 
preachin'  to  the  narves :  Lord,  how  she  would  have  kicked 

and  squeeled  if  the  tailor  had  a .    A  very  good  story,  said 

She,  abovvm  and  amovin'  a  little,  so  as  not  to  hear  abJut  the 
measurin',— a  very  good  story  indeed. 

If  you  was  to  revarse  that  maxim  o'  yourn,  said  I,  and  say 
democracy  is  too  often  iound  at  the  root  of  religion,  you'j  \m 


44 


THE  CLOCKMAKER. 


nearer  the  mark,  I  reckon.    I  knew  a  case  once  exactly  in 
point.     Do  tell  it  to  me,  said  she ;  it  will  illustrate  "  the  spirit 
of  religion."    Yes,  said  I,  and  illustrate  your  book  too,  if  you 
-are  a  writin'  one,  as  most  English  travellers  do.     Our  cons 
gregation,  said  I,  at  Slickville,  contained  most  of  the  wealthy 
and  respectable  folk  there,  and  a  most  powerful  and  united 
body  it  was.     Well,  there  came  a  split  once  on  the  election 
of  an  elder,  and  a  body  of  the  upper-crust  folks  separated  and 
went  off  in  a  hutf.     Like  most  folks  that  separate  in  temj)er, 
they  laid  it  all  to  conscience ;  found  out  all  at  once  they  had 
been  adrift  afore  all  their  lives,  and  join'd  another  church  as 
different  from  our'n  in  creed  as  chalk  is  from  cheese ;  and  to 
show  their  humility,  hooked  on  to  the  poorest  congregation  in 
the  place.     Well,  the  minister  was  quite  lifted  up  in  the  stir, 
rups  when  he  saw  these  folks  gine  him ;  and  to  show  his  zeal 
for  them  the  next  Sunday,  he  looked  up  at  the  gallery  to  the 
niggers,  and,  said  he,  my  brether'n,  said  he,  I  beg  you  won't 
spit  down  any  more  on  the  aisle  seats,  for  there  be  gentlemen 
there  now.     Gist  turn  your  heads,  my  sable  friends,  and  let 
go  over  your  shoulders.    Manners,  my  brothers,  manners  be- 
fore backey.    Well,  the  niggers  seceded  ;  they  said,  it  was  an 
infringement  on  their  rights,  on  their  privilege  of  spittin',  as 
freemen,  where  they  liked,  how  they  liked,  and  when  they 
liked,  and  they  quit  in  a  body.    "  Democracy,"  said  they,  "  is 
the  root  of  religion." 

Is  that  a  fact  ?  said  she.  No  mistake,  said  I ;  T  seed  it  my- 
self; I  know  'em  all.  Well,  it's  a  curious  fact,  said  she,  and 
very  illustrative.  It  illustrates  the  universality  of  spittin',  and 
the  universality  of  democracy.  It's  characteristic.  I  have 
no  fear  of  a  people  where  the  right  of  spittin'  is  held  sacred 
from  the  interminable  assaults  of  priestcraft.  She  laid  down 
her  trumpet,  and  took  out  her  pocket-book  and  began  to  write 
it  down.  She  swallar'd  it  all.  I  have  seen  her  book  since, 
it's  gist  what  I  expected  from  her.  The  chapter  on  religion 
strikes  at  the  root  of  all  religion  ;  and  the  eftects  of  such  doc- 
trines are  exhibited  in  the  gross  slander  she  has  written  ag'in 
her  own  sex  in  the  States,  from  whom  she  received  nothin' 
but  kindness  and  hospitality.  I  don't  call  that  pretty  at  all ; 
it's  enough  to  drive  hospitality  out  of  the  land. 

I  know  what  you  allude  to,  said  I,  and  fully  concur  with 
you  in  opinion,  that  it  is  a  gross  abominable  slander,  adopted 
on  insufficient  authority,  and  the  more  abominable  from  conn- 
ing from  a  woman.     Our  church  may  be  aristocratic ;  but  if 


exactly  in 
'  the  spii'it 
too,  if  you 

Our  coi>. 
e  wealthy 
ind  united 
e  election 
irated  and 
n  temper, 

they  had 
church  as 
e ;  and  to 
Dgation  in 

the  stir. 
V  his  zeal 
ery  to  tho 
you  won't 
gentlemen 
I,  and  let 
nners  lic- 
it was  an 
pittin',  as 
hen  they 
they, "  is 

cd  it  my- 
she,  and 
ttin',  and 
I  have 
Id  sacred 
aid  down 
1  to  write 
ok  since, 
I  religion 
juch  doG- 
ten  ag'in 
d  nothin' 
ty  at  all ; 

icur  with 

adopted 

om  coni- 

::  but  if 


TRAVELLING    IN    AMERICA. 


45 


r^rr    *??^1*^^  S°°^  manners,  and  a  regard  for  the  decencies 
ol  hie.   Had  she  listened  more  to  the  regular  clergy,  and  lesA 
to  the  modern  illuminati,  she  might  have  learned  a  little  of 
that  charUy  which  induces  us  to  think  well  of  others,  and  to 
speak  III  ol  none.    It  certainly  was  a  great  outrage,  and  I  am 
sorry  that  outrage  was  perpetrated  by  an  Englishwoman.     I 
am  proper  glad  you  agree  with  me,  squire,  said  he ;  but  come 
and  see  for  yourself,  and  I  will  explain  matters  to  you ;  for 
without  some  one  to  let  you  into  things  you  won't  understand 
us.     1 11  take  great  pleasure  in  bcin'  your  guide,  fr)r  I  must 
say  1  like  your  conversation — How  singular  this  is '  to  the 
natural  reserve  of  my  country,  I  add  an  uncommon  taci- 
tiirnity;  ouf.  th.s  peculiar  adaptation  to  listening  has  every 
where  esfabhsl.ed  for  me  that  rare,  but  most  desirable  rcputa- 
tion,  o(  being  a  good  companion.   It  is  evident,  therefore,  thai 
listeners  are  everywhere  more  scarce  than  talkers,  and  are 
valued  accordingly.     Indeed,  without  them,  what  would  bo- 
come  of  the  talkers  ? 

Yes,  I  like  your  conversation,  said  the  clockmaker  (who  tho 
reader  must  have  observed  has  had  all  the  talk  to  himself). 
We  are  like  the  Chinese ;  they  have  two  languages,  the  writ, 
ten  language  and  the  spoken  language.  Strangers  only  get 
as  lar  as  the  spoken  one ;  but  all  secret  affairs  of  religion  and 
government  are  sealed  up  in  the  written  one ;  they  can't  make 
vothm  of  It.  That's  gist  the  case  with  us ;  we  have  two  Ian- 
guages,  one  for  strangers,  and  one  tor  ourselves.  A  stranger 
must  know  this,  or  he's  all  adrift.  We've  got  our  own  diffi. 
cu  ties,  our  own  doubts,  our  own  troubles,  as  well  as  other 
oiks,— it  woula  be  strange  if  we  hadn't ;  but  we  don't  choose 
to  blart  'em  all  out  to  the  world. 

Look  at  our  President's  Message  last  year ;  he  said,  we  was 
the  most  prosperous  nation  on  the  face  of  the  airth,  peace  and 
plenty  spreadin'  over  the  land,  and  more  wealth  than  we 
Know  d  how  to  spend.  At  that  very  time  we  was  on  the  point 
ol  national  bankruptcy.  He  said,  the  great  fire  at  New  York 
tlid  nt  cause  one  failure ;  good  reason  why,  the  goods  were  ali 
owiied  at  London  and  Lyons,  and  the  failures  took  place  there, 
and  not  here.  Our  President  said  on  that  occasion,  our  maxim 
IS,  "  do  no  wrong,  and  suffer  no  insult."  Well,  at  that  very 
time  our  ginoral  wa?  marchin'  into  the  Mexican  territory,  ana 

our  noopio  off  South,    hnruvlnrl    T«vr,c    r,„A    to-'-    ?*        --J    - 
/.,,','  '" '   5.,,,!-,  lUiU   lOutv   li,~anu  our 

VjIKs  clown  North-east  were  ready  to  do  the  same  neighbourly 
a«:t  to  Canada,  only  waitin'  forPapciicau  to  say,  "All  iiuuly." 


4G 


THE   CLOCKMAKER. 


He  boasted  we  had  no  national  debt,  but  a  large  sUiplus  revv.  ■ 
nue  in  the  public  chisf,  and  yet,  add  up  the  public  debt  of  each 
separate  state,  and  see  what  a  whappin'  large  one  that  makes. 
We  don't  intertain  strangers,  as  the  English  do,  with  the  trou- 
bles of  our  household  and  the  bother  our  servants  give  us  • 
we  think  it  ain't  hospitable,  nor  polished,  nor  even  good  man- 
ners ;  we  keep  that  for  the  written  language  among  ourselves. 
If  you  don't  believe  my  word,  go  and  ask  the  Britisher  that 
was  at  Mr.  Madison's  court  when  the  last  war  broke  out — he 
was  the  only  man  to  Washington  that  know'd  nothing  about 
it — he  didn't  understand  the  language.  I  guess  you  may  go 
and  pack  up  your  duds  and  go  home,  said  Mr.  Madison  to  him 
one  day,  when  he  called  there  to  the  Icuce.  Go  gome !  said 
he,  and  he  wrinkled  up  his  forehead,  and  drew  up  his  eyelids, 
as  much  as  to  say,  I  estimate  you  are  mad,  ain't  you  1  Go 
home !  said  he.  What  for  ?  Why,  said  he,  I  reckon  we  are 
at  war.  At  war !  said  the  Englishman  ;  why,  you  don't  say 
so?  there  can't  be  a  word  of  truth  in  the  report:  my  dispatches 
say  nothin'  of  it.  Perhaps  not,  said  the  President,  quite  cool, 
(only  a  slight  twitch  of  his  mouth  showed  how  he  would  like 
to  haw,  haw,  right  out,  only  it  war  n't  decent,)  perhaps  not, 
but  I  presume  I  declared  war  yesterday,  when  you  was  en- 
gaged a  playin'  of  a  game  at  chess  with  Mrs.  Madison.  Folka 
say  they  raelly  pitied  him,  he  looked  so  taken  aback,  so 
streaked,  so  completely  dumbfounded.  No,  when  I  say  you 
can't  make  us  out,  you  always  laugh ;  but  it'ij  true  you  can*l 
without  an  interpreter.  We  speak  the  English  language  and 
the  American  language ;  you  must  lam  the  American  Ian- 
guagCt  if  you  want  to  understand  the  American  people. 


CHAPTER  VI. 


ELECTIVE  COUNCILS. 

What  would  be  the  effect,  Mr.  Slick,  said  I,  of  elective 
councils  in  this  country,  if  government  would  consent  to  make 
the  experiment  ?  Why,  that's  a  thing,  said  he,  you  can't  do 
m  your  form  o'  government,  tryin'  an  experiment,  tho'  wo 
can;  you  can't  give  the  word  of  command,  if  It  turns  out  a 
hunglin  piece  of  business,  that  they  use  in  militia  trainin', — 
•*  as  vou  were."     It's  dillbrent  with  us — we  can,— our  govern' 


ELECTIVE  COUNCILS. 


47 


a  trainm  , — 


menl  is  a  democracy, — all  power  is  in  the  people  at  large , 
we  can  go  on  and  change  from  one  thing  to  another,  and  try 
any  experiment  we  choose,  as  often  as  we  like,  for  all  changes 
have  the  like  result^  of  leavin'  the  power  in  the  same  place 
and  the  same  hands.     But  you  must  know  beforehand  how  it 
will  work  in  your  mixed  government,  and  shouldn't  make  no 
change  you  ain't  sure  about.     What  good  would  an  elective 
council  be  ?     It  is  thought  it  would  give  the  upper  branches, 
said  I,  more  community  of  feeling,  more  sympathy,  and  more 
weight  with  the  country  at  large ;  that  being  selected  by  the 
people,  the  people  would  have  more  confidence  in  them,  and 
that  more  efficient  and  more  suitable  men  would  be  chosen  by 
the  freeholders  than  by  the  crown.     You  would  gist  get  the 
identical  same  sort  o'  critters,  said  he,  in  the  eend,  as  the 
membGis  of  Assembly,  if  they  were  elected,  and  no  better ; 
they  would  be  selected  by  the  same  judges  of  horse-flesh  as 
t'other,  and  chose  out  o'  the  same  flock.     It  would  be  the  same 
breed  o'  cattle  at  last.     But,  said  I,  you  forget  that  it  is  pro- 
posed to  raise  the  qualification  of  the  voters  from  forty  shillings 
to  forty  pounds  per  year ;  whereby  you  would  have  a  better 
class  of  electors,  and  insure  a  better  selection.     Gist  you  try 
it,  said  he,  and  there  would  be  an  eend  to  the  popular  motions 
in  the  House  of  Assembly  to  extend  the  suflJrages — for  every 
thtng  that  gives  power  to  numbers^  will  carry  numhers^  and 
be  popular,  and  every  feller  who  lived  on  excitement,  would 
be  for  everlastin'ly  a  agitatin'  of  it.  Candidate,  Slangwhanger, 
and  Member.     You'd  have  no  peace,  you'd  be  for  ever  on  the 
move  as  our  citizens  are  to  New  York,  and  they  move  into 
a  new  house  every  first  o'  May-day.     If  there  be  any  good 
in  that  are  Council  at  all,  it  is  in  their  bein'  placed  above 
popular  excitement,  and  subject  to  no  influence  but  that  of 
reason,  and  the  fitness  of  things  :  chaps  that  have  a  consider- 
able stake  in  the  country,  and  don't  buy  their  seats  by  pledges 
and  promises,  pledges  that  half  the  time  ruin  the  country  if 
they  are  kept,  and  always  ruin  the  man  that  breaks  'em.     It's 
better  as  it  is  in  the  hands  of  the  government.     It's  a  safety- 
valve  now,  to  let  off*  the  fume,  and  steam,  and  vapour,  gene- 
rated by  the  heat  of  the  lower  House.     If  you  make  that 
branch  elective  you  put  tlie  government  right  into  the  gap, 
and  all  difference  of  opinion,  instead  of  bein'  between  the  two 
branches  as  it  is  now,  (that  is,  in  fact,  between  the  people 

thf>msf>lvfio  ^  ii/riiilH  f|if>n  anowv  '•■>  ""  ^oo«^  Kj.*,..--—  ii._ i_ 

"—1/    '"'  iii'-'«i  '.'(_•!.  ui   itj  «ii  \_aoca  ueiiiucii  lilt;  JJUUUUI 

and  th(i  governor.     Afore  long  that  would  either  seal  up  th* 


48 


THE  CLOCKMAKER. 


'\ 


; 


voice  of  the  executive,  so  that  they  darn't  call  their  souls  their 
own,  or  make  'em  onpopular,  and  whenever  the  executive  onca 
fairly  gets  into  that  are  pickle,  there's  an  end  of  the  colony, 
and  a  declaration  of  independence  would  soon  foller.  Papinor 
knows  that,  and  that's  the  reason  he's  so  hot  for  it, — he  knows 
what  it  would  lead  to  in  the  eend.  That  critter  may  want 
ginger,  for  ought  I  know;  but  he  don't  want  for  gumption  you 
may  depend.  Elective  councils  are  inconsistent  with  colonial 
dependence.  I*'s  takin'  away  the  crane  that  holds  up  the  pot 
from  the  fire,  to  keep  it  from  boilin'  over,  and  clappin'  it  right 
on  the  hot  coals :  what  a  gallopin'  boil  it  wouM  soon  come 
into,  wouldn't  it?  In  all  mixed  governments,  like  your'n, 
the  true  rule  is  never  to  interfere  with  pop'lar  rights  estab- 
lished. Amend  what  is  wrong,  concede  what  is  right,  and  do 
what  is  just  always ;  but  presarve  the  balance  of  the  constitu- 
tion for  your  life.  One  pound  weight  only  taken  off  the 
executive,  and  put  on  t'other  eend,  is  like  a  shift  of  the  weight 
on  a  well  balanced  plank  till  it  won't  play  true  no  more,  but 
keeps  a  slidin'  and  a  slidin'  down  by  leetle  and  leetle  to  the 
heaviest  eend,  till  it  all  stays  down  to  one  side,  and  won't 
work  no  longer.  It's  a  system  of  checks  now,  but  when  all 
the  checks  run  together,  and  make  only  one  weight,  they'll 
do  as  our  senate  did  once  (for  that  ain't  no  check  no  more) — 
it  actilly  passed  that  cussed  embargo  law  of  Jefferson's  that 
ruined  our  trade,  rotted  our  shippin',  and  bankrupted  the 
whole  nation,  arter  it  come  up  from  t!ie  House  of  Representa- 
tives through  all  its  three  readin's  in  four  hours;  I  hope  I  may 
be  skinned  if  it  didn't.  It  did,  I  snore.  That's  the  beauty 
of  havin'  two  bodies  to  look  at  things  thro'  only  one  spyglass, 
and  blow  bubbles  thro'  one  pipe.  There's  no  appeal,  no 
redress,  in  that  case,  and  what's  more,  when  one  party  gives 
riders  to  both  horses,  they  ride  over  you  like  wink,  and  tread 
yoKi  right  under  foot,  as  arbitrary  as  the  old  Scratch  himself. 
There's  no  tyranny  on  airth  equal  to  the  tyranny  of  a  major- 
ity/ you  can't  form  no  notion  of  it  unless  you  seed  it.  Just 
see  how  they  sarved  them  chaps  to  Baltimore  last  war.  Gene- 
ral Lingan  and  thirty  other  fellers  that  had  the  impudence  to 
say  they  didn't  approve  of  the  doin's  of  the  administration ; 
they  gist  lynched  'em  and  stoned  'em  to  death  like  dogs. 

We  find  among  us  the  greatest  democrats  are  the  greatest 
tyrants.  No,  squire ;  repair,  amend,  enlarge,  ventilate,  mo- 
dernize  a  little  too,  if  you  like,  your  structure ;  put  new  roof, 
new  porch,  winders  and  doors,  fresh  paint  and  shingle  it,  make 


\r  souls  their 


ELECTIVE   COUNCILS. 


4U 


e,  and  won't 


*  n«ore  attractive  and  pleaaanter  to  inhabit,  and  of  course  it 
will  be  more  valuable  ,•— but  do  you  leave  the  foundation  atodb 
-don  t  you  medd  e  with  the  frame,  the  braces,  and  girts  for 
your  life,  or  it  will  spread,  bulge  out,  leak  like  the  devil,  and 
come  to  pieces  some  c'  these  stormy  nights  about  your  ears 
as  sure  as  you  are  born.  MaJce  no  ^irganic  change,.  There 
are  quacks  in  politics,  squire,  as  well  as  in  med'cine,— <5ritters 
who  have  unevarsal  pills  to  cure  all  sorts  o' diseases:  and 

?Z7  '  !Sk  ^°?«^'^"t\°"'  »»V"?««  «nd  politic,  tlieyVe  fixt  atween 
them.  There  s  no  knowin'  the  gripes  and  pains  and  colics 
they  ve  caused ;  and  the  worst  of  it  is,  the  poor  devils  that  get 

IL'VTi    .u    '  "^^^^  ^i'^y  ^"^  °"  ^^  *»^«a*l  of  t^eir  backs 
can  t  help  themse  ves,  but  turn  up  the  whites  of  their  eyes, 
and  say.  Oh  dear  I  I'm  very  bad :  how  will  it  go  ?     Go,  iys 
they ;  why,  like  a  house  afire,-full  split,-goin'  on  grandly, 
-couldn  t  do  no  better,— gist  what  was  expected,     YoJll 
have  a  new  conshtvimti,  strong  as  a  lion:   oh!   goin'  on 
grandly      Well,  I  dont  know,  says  the  misfortunate  critter: 
bu  1  feels  a  plaguy  sight  more  like  goin'  of  than  goin'  o«,  I 
Iw  T"*  ,7^?  comes  apickin  o' the  bed-clothes,  t  clammy 
sweat,  cold  feet,  the  hiccup,  rattles,  and  death.     Sarve  him 
right,  says  quack;  the  cussed  fool  has  had  doctors  too  long 
«n^"L/^-  >"  Z^^'- days,  and  they  sapped  his  constitution, 
and  fixt  his  flmt  for  him:  why  did'nt  he  call  me  in  sooner^ 
Ihe  consailed  ass  thought  lie  knowed  every  thing,  and  didn't 
toiler  out  all  my  prescriptions;  one  comfort,  though— his  estate 
shall  pay  for  it,  I  vow.    Yes,  squire,  and  that  is  tlie  pity,  win 
or  lose,  live  or  die,  the  estate  does  pay  for  it-that's  a  fact : 
and  what  s  worser,  too,  many  on  'em  care  more  about  dividin' 
the  spoil  than  effectin'  the  cure,  by  a  long  chalk. 

1  bene  s  always  some  jugglery  or  quackery  agoin»  on  every 
where  a  most.  It  puts  me  in  mind  of  the  Wilmot  springs.— 
One  of  the  greatest  flams  I  ever  heerd  tell  of  in  this  province, 
was  brought  out  hereabouts  in  Wilmot,  and  succeeded  for  a 
space  beyond  all  calculation.  Our  sea  sarpant  was  no  touch 
to  It,— and  that  was  a  grand  steamboat  speckilation  too,  for  a 
nation  sight  of  folks  went  from  Boston  down  to  Providence 
and  back  ag  in,  on  purpose  to  see  the  sarpant  in  the  boat  that 
firs  spoke  It  out  to  sea.  But  then  they  were  all  pleasurin' 
parties,  young  folks  takm'  a  trip  by  water,  instead  of  a  quiltin' 

.     V"  7  " .'     "\»"/^  "^  g«"=*  somemin  to  laik  about  and 

to  do  to  strain  their  little  eyes  through  the  captain's  great  big 
spy.glass,  to  see  their  nateral  enemy,  the  sarpant ;  and  you 


50 


THE    CLOCKMAKKR. 


may  depend  they  had  all  the  curiosity  of  old  Marm  Lve  too 
h  was  a^ll  young  hfarts  and  young  eyes,  and  pretty  ones  the> 
veTe  I  tell  2/ou^    But  this  here  Wilmot  wonder  was  'or^of  n 
ame  a    aflaiV,  an  old  and  ugly  assortment    a  kind  o    Ir^ 
wake,  part  dead  and  part  alive,  where  one  half  groaned  with 
TorroVand  pain,  and't'other  half  groaned  to  keep  'em  c.n  . 
nanv,— a  rael,  right  down  genuine  hystei  :     -    -,  noar  about 
CLch  cryin'  as  laughin','^it  beat  all  n.  bo  jeve  t^^^^^ 

actilly  did  good  in  sartam  cases,  m  proper  u.  -^a  with  p  oper 
die      and  in  some  future  day,  in  more  knowin"  hands  ihey 
wUl  come  into  vogue  ag'in,  and  make  a  good  speckilation } 
but  I  have  always'^obsarvedwhen  an  article  is  once  run  down, 
and  folks  find  out  that  it  has  got  more  puffin  than  it  desarves, 
?hev  don't  give  it  no  credit  at  all,  and  it  is  a  long  time  afore  i 
comes  round  agin.     The  Wilmot  springs  are  situated  on  the 
ri-ht  there,  away  up,  onder  that   mountain  a-head  on  us. 
They  sar  a  nfy  dfd  make  a  wonderful  great  noise  three  years 
aao.     If  the  pool  of  Saloom  hud  been  there,  it  couldn  t  ahad 
a"g  eater  cro^d  o'  clowns  about  it.     The  lame  and  maime^ 
?hf consumptive  and  dropsical,  the  cancerous  ""d  leprous,  ho 
old  drunkard  and  the  young  rake,  the  barren  wile  and  sick 
maid,  the  larfin'  catholic  and  sour  sectary,  high  ^n^  low   iic  i 
and  poor,  black  atid  white,  fools  of  all  ages,  sizes,  and  degrees, 
werJ  ass;mbled  there  adrinkin',  bathin',  and  awashui  m  the 
waters,  and  carry  in'  off  the  mud  for  pouUices  and  p  aisters. 
I  ktlled  some,  and  cured  some    and  fool'd  a  nation  sght  of 
folks.     Down  at  the  mouth  of  the  spnng,  '."here  »  d^^,^^^^^^^^ 
into  a  stream,  there  is  a  sof^  bottom,  and  there  ,^id    ce  a 
feller  standing  with  one  leg  stuck  in  the  mud  ;  an^th^''  ^y;"» 
on  a  piank,  with  an  arm  shoved  into  the  ooze  up  to  the 
shoulder-  a  third  asittin'  down,  with  a  mask  o'  mould  like  a 
gypsum  .ast  on  his  head;  others  with  naked  feet  spotted  all 
over  with  the  clay,  to  cure  corns ;  and  these  grouped  ag  n 
Aerew  h  an  unfJr^tunate  feller  with  a  stiff  arm,  who  could 
only  thrust  in  his  elbow  ;  and  there  with  another  s^ttm   o^  a 
chair  adanglin'  his  feet  in  the  mire  to  cure  the  rheumai  . 
while  a  thii^,  sunk  up  to  his  ribs,  had  a  -"  ^^^^J  ;;^: 
on  his  head  for  an  eruption,  as  a  gard'ner  waters  a  trans 
dan  ed     fbage-plant,  a^  declarin'  they  felt  better,  and  won. 
derin'  it  had'n!  been  found  out  afore.    It  was  horrid,  I  tell  you, 
o  see  folks  makiu'  such  fools  of  themselves. 

Tf  that  are  sprint  had  belonged  to  an  American  citizen,  that 
had  Ide  sSch  an  V^  t'ouss  about  it,  folks  would  have 


Eve  loo 

ones  the) 
I  sort  of  n 
d  of  Irish 
taned  with 
'em  com- 
near  about 
Cilieve  tliey 
ith  p'-oper 
lands  they 
Bckilation } 
run  down, 
itdesarves, 
me  albre  it 
ted  on  the 
jad  on  us. 
three  years 
ildn't  ahad 
id  maimed, 
leprous,  the 
e  and  sick 
id  low,  rich 
>nd  degrees, 
shin'  in  the 
id  plaisters. 
on  sight  of 
t  discharges 
Vjm'd  see  a 
'other  lying 
3  up  to  the 
lould  like  a 
;  spotted  all 
•ouped  ag'in 
,  who  could 
sittin'  on  a 
B  rheumaiit. ; 
lourin'  water 
ters  a  trans, 
er,  and  won- 
id,  I  tell  you, 

I  citizen,  that 
3  would  have 


KLECTIVE   COUNCILS.  51 

said  they  calkelated  it  was  a  Yankee  trick ;  ad  it  was,  ihey 
set  each  other  on,  and  every  critter  that  came  home  from  a 
sent  half  a  dozen. neighbours  off, — so  none  on  'em  could  larf 
at  eacli  other.  The  road  was  actilly  covered  with  j^opie.  1 
saw  one  old  goney,  seventy  years  of  age,  stuck  in  a  gig  atween 
two  niatresses,  like  a  carcase  of  mutton  atween  two  bales  of 
wool  in  a  countryman's  cart.  The  old  fool  was  agoin'  to  be 
made  young,  and  to  be  married  when  he  returned  to  homo. 
Folks  believed  every  thing  they  heerd  of  it.  They  actilly 
swallered  a  story  that  a  British  officer  that  had  n  cork  leg 
bathed  there,  and  the  flesh  growed  on  it,  so  that  no  soul  could 
tell  the  diflerence  atween  it  and  the  natcral  one.  They  be- 
lieved the  age  of  miracles  had  come ;  so  a  feller  took  a  dead 
pig  and  throw'd  it  in,  sayin'  who  know'd  as  it  cured  the  half 
dead,  that  it  wouldn't  go  the  whole  hog.  That  joke  fixt  the 
Wilmot  springs :  it  turned  the  larf  against  'em  ;  and  it  was 
lucky  it  did,  for  they  were  findin'  springs  gist  like  'em  every 
where.  Every  pool  the  pigs  had  ryled  was  tasted,  and  if  it 
was  too  bad  for  the  stomach,  it  was  pronounced  medicinal. 
The  nearest  doctor  wrote  an  account  of  it  for  the  newspapers, 
and  said  it  had  sulphur  saltpetre  in  it,  and  that  the  mud  when 
dried  would  make  good  powder,  quite  good  enough  to  blow 
gypsum  and  shoot  us  Yankees.  At  last  they  exploded  spon- 
taneous, the  sulphur,  sahpetre,  and  burnt  brans  went  off  them- 
selves, and  nothin'  has  ever  been  since  heerd  of  the  Wilmot 
springs. 

It's  pretty  much  the  case  in  politics;  folks  have  always 
some  bubble  or  another, — some  elective  council, — private  bal- 
lot,— short  parliaments, — or  some  pi  or  another  to  cure  all 
political  evils  in  natur';  with  quacks  enough  to  cry  'em  up, 
and  interested  quacks  also,  who  make  their  ned  out  of  'em, 
afore  people  get  tired  of  them  and  their  pills  too.  There  was 
u  time  when  there  was  too  many  public  officers  in  your  coun- 
cil here,  but  they've  died  off,  or  moved  off,  and  too  many  of 
'em  lived  to  Halifax,  and  too  few  of  'em  in  the  country,  and 
folks  thought  a  new  deal  would  give  'em  more  fair  play 
Well,  they've  got  a  new  deal  now,  and  new  cards.  So  far  so 
good.  A  change  of  men  is  no  great  matter — natur'  is  a 
changin'  of  'em  all  the  time  if  government  don't.  But  the 
constitution  is  another  thing.     You  can't  take  out  the  vitals 

Jinn     nut     in     nr^ur   nnria      oo     tjo"     ^on    iri    n    vsmf^U    ^n»^       «..*i'U    .%«.. 
~    -"    r^"    •••  .-J  ^-*T    j'**^'    vitii  lix  ti    TTtxivxi-^ascj    mill  aiiv 

great  chance  of  success,  as  ever  I  heerd  tell  of.     I've  seen 
Borne  most  beautiful  operations  performed,  too,  by  biolher 


52 


THE   CLOCKMAKER. 


r.ldad,  where  the  patients  lived  thro'  'em,— and  he  got  n 
plaguy  sight  of  credit  for  'em,— but  they  all  died  a  fe>v  days 
arterwards.  Why,  'Dad,  says  I,  what  in  natur'  is  the  good 
o'  them  are  operations,  and  puttiu'  the  poor  critters  to  all  that 
pain  and  misery,  and  their  estate  to  so  much  expense,  if  it 
don't  do  'em  no  good  ? — for  it  seems  to  me  that  they  all  dc 
go  for  it ;  that's  sartain.  ^ 

Well,  it  was  a  dreadful  pretty  operation  tho',  Sam,  warn  t 
it?  he'd  say  ;  but  the  critter  was  desperate  sick  and  peeower- 
fully  weak;  I  raely  was  e'en  a'most  afcer'd  I  shouldn't  carry 
him  thro'  it.  But  what's  the  use  on  it  at  last,  when  it  kills 
'em  ?  said  I ;  for  you  see  they  do  slip  thro'  your  fingers  in 
the  eend.  A  feller,  says  he,  Sam,  that's  considerable  slippery 
all  his  life,  may  be  a  little  slippery  towards  the  eend  on't,  and 
there's  no  help  for  it,  as  I  see ;— but  Sam,  said  he,  with  a  jupe 
o'  the  head,  and  a  wink  quite  knowin',  you  ain't  up  to  snuff 
yet,  I  see.  It  don't  kill  'em  if  they  don't  die  under  the  knife; 
if  you  can  carry  'em  thro'  the  operation,  and  they  die  next 
day,  they  always  die  of  sun'thin'  else,  and  the  doctor  is  a 
made  man  for  ever  and  a  day  arterwards,  too.  Do  you  ap- 
prehend now,  my  boy  ?  Yes,  says  I,  I  apprehend  there  are 
tricks  in  other  trades,  as  well  as  the  clock  trade  ;  only  some 
on  'em  ain't  quite  so  innocent,  and  there's  some  I  wouldn'^ 
like  to  play  I  know.  No,  said  he,  I  suppose  not ;  and  then 
haw-hawin'  right  out — how  soft  we  are,  Sam,  ain't  wel 
said  he. 

Yes,  presarve  the  principle  of  the  mechanism  of  your  con- 
stitution,  for  it  ain't  a  bad  one,  and  presarve  the  balances,  and 
the  rest  you  can  improve  on  without  endangerin'  the  whole 
engin'.  One  thing  too  is  sartain, — a  power  imprudently  given 
to  the  executive,  or  to  the  people,  is  seldom  or  never  got  back. 
I  ain't  been  to  England  since  your  Reform  Bill  passed,  but 
some  folks  do  say  it  works  complete,  that  it  goes  as  easy  as  a 
loaded  wagon  down  hill,  full  chisel.  Now  suppose  that  bill 
was  found  to  be  alterin'  of  the  balances,  so  that  the  constitu- 
tion  couldn't  work  many  years  longer,  without  acomin'  to  a 
dead  stand,  could  you  repeal  it  ?  and  say  "  as  you  were  ?" 
Let  a  bird  out  o'  your  hand  and  try  to  catch  it  ag'in,  will 
you  ?  No,  squire,  said  the  Clockmaker,  you  have  laws  a  re- 
gilatin'  of  quack  doctors,  but  none  a  regilatin'  of  quack  poli- 
ticians :  now  a  quack  doctor  is  bad  enough,  and  dangerous 
enoug'',  gracious  knows,  but  a  quack  politician  is  a  devil  out 
lawed  — that's  a  fact. 


cl  he  got  n 
a  few  days 
s  the  good 
s  to  all  that 
cpense,  if  it 
they  all  dc 

Jam,  warii't 
id  peeower- 
jldn't  carry 
hen  it  kills 
r  fingers  in 
ble  slippery 
id  on't,  and 
with  a  jupe 
up  to  snuff 
r  the  knife ; 
ley  die  next 
doctor  is  a 
Do  you  ap- 
d  there  are 
i  only  some 
3 1  wouldn\ 
:;  and  then 
,  ain't   wel 

if  your  con- 
ilances,  and 
i'  the  whole 
iently  given 
er  got  hack. 
passed,  but 
as  easy  as  a 
ose  that  bill 
he  constitu- 
icomin'  to  a 
you  were  ?" 
it  ag'in,  will 
3  laws  a  re- 
quack  poli- 
\  dangerous 
a  devil  out 


SLAVERY. 


M 


CHAPTER  VII. 


SLAVERY. 


The  road  from  Kentville  to  Wiimot  passes  over  an  exten- 
sive and  dreary  sand  plain,  equally  fatiguing  to  man  and 
horse,  and  after  three  hours'  hard  dragging  on  this  heavy 
road,  wc  looked  out  anxiously  for  an  inn  to  rest  and  refresh 
our  gallant  "  Clay.'* 

There  it  is,  said  Mr.  Slick ;  you'll  know  it  by  that  high 
post,  on  which  they  have  jibitted  one  of  their  governors 
ahorseback  as  a  sign.  The  first  night  I  stopt  there,  I  vow  I 
couldn't  sleep  a  wink  for  the  creakin'  of  it,  as  it  swung  back- 
wards  and  forwards  in  the  wind.  It  sounded  so  nateral  like, 
that  I  couldn't  help  thinkin'  it  was  a  rael  man  hung  in  chains 
there.  It  put  me  in  mind  of  the  slave  to  Charleston,  that 
was  strung  up  for  pysonin'  his  master  and  mistress.  When 
we  drove  up  to  the  door,  a  black  man  came  out  of  the  stable, 
and  took  the  horse  by  the  head  in  a  listless  and  reluctant  man- 
ner,  but  his  attention  was  shortly  awakened  by  the  animal, 
whom  he  soon  began  to  examine  attentively.  Him  don't  look 
like  blue  nose,  said  blacky, — sartin  him  stranger.  Fine  crit- 
ter, dat,  by  gosh,  no  mistake. 

From  the  horse  his  eye  wandered  to  us;  when,  slowly 
quitting  his  hold  of  the  bridle,  and  stretching  out  his  head, 
and  stepping  anxiously  and  cautiously  round  to  where  the 
Clockmaker  was  standing,  he  suddenly  pulled  off  his  hat,  and 
throwing  it  up  in  the  air,  uttered  one  of  the  most  piercing 
yells  I  think  I  ever  heard,  and  throwing  himself  upon  the 
ground,  seized  Mr.  Slick  round  the  legs  with  his  arms.  Oh, 
MassaSammy!  Massa  Sammy  !  Oh,  myGor! — only  tink 
old  Scippy  see  you  once  more  !  How  you  do,  Massa  Sammy  ? 
Gor  Ormighty  bless  you  !  How  you  do  1  Why,  who  on  airtli 
nre  you  ?  said  the  Clockmaker ;  what  onder  the  sun  do  you 
mean  by  actin'  so  like  a  ravin'  distracted  fool  1  Get  up  this 
ininnit,  and  let  me  see  who  you  be,  or  I'll  give  you  a  soek- 
dologer  in  the  ear  with  my  foot,  as  sure  as  you  are  born. 
Who  bo  you,  you  niggor  you  ?     Oh    "  ' 


Massa  Sam, 


you  no  re- 


collect Old  Scip, — Massa  'Siah's  nigger  boy  ?     How's  Massa 
Sy,  and  Missey  Sy,  and  all  our  children,  and  all  our  folks  to 


54 


THF  CLOCKMAKER. 


f,. 


our  house  to  home  ?     De  dear  little  lily,  de  s  ffeei  little  booty . 
de  little  missy  baby.     Oh,  how  I  do  lub 'em  all ! 

In  this  manner  the  creature  ran  on,  mcoherently  askmg 
questions,  sobbing,  and  blaming  himself  for  havmg  left  sc 
good  a  master,  and  so  comfortable  a  home.    How  is  dat  black 
villain,  dat  Cato?  he  continued  ;—Massa  no  hang  him  yet 
He  is  sold,  said  Mr.  Slick,  and  has  gone  to  New  Orleena,  I 
iuess.     Oh,  I  grad,  upon  my  soul,  I  wery  grad;  then  he 
catch  it,  de  dam  black  nigger— it  sarve  him  right.     1  hope 
dey  cowskin  him  well— I  grad  of  dat,— oh  Gor!  dat  is  good. 
I  tmk  I  see  him,  de  ugly  brute.     1  hope  they  lay  it  mto  him 
well,  dam  him  !     I  guess  you'd  better  tfnharness  Old  Uav 
and  not  leave  him  standin'  all  day  in  the  sun,  said  Mr.  blick. 
O  goody  gracy,  yes,  said  the  overjoyed  negro,  dat  I  will,  and 
rub  him  down  too  till  him  all  dry  as  bone,— debil  a  wet  hair 
left.     Oh,  only  tink,  Massa  Sammy  Slick,— Massa  Sammy 
Slick,— Scip  see  you  again !  ,,         j  ♦!, 

The  Clockmaker  accompanied  him  to  the  stable,  and  tneve 
gratified  the  curiosity  of  that  affectionate  creature  by  answer- 
ing all  his  inquiries  after  his  master's  family,  and  the  state 
of  the  plantation  and  the  slaves. .  It  appears  that  he  had  been 
inveigled  away  by  the  mate  of  a  Boston  vessel  that  was  load- 
ing at  his  master's  estate ;  and,  notwithstanding  all  the  sweets 
attending  a  state  of  liberty,  was  unhappy  under  the  influence 
of  a  cold  climate,  hard  labour,  and  the  absence  of  all  that 
real  sympathy,  which,  notwithstanding  the  rod  of  the  master, 
exists  nowhere  but  where  there  is  a  community  of  interests. 
He  entreated  Mr.  Slick  to  take  him  into  his  employment,  and 
vowed  eternal  fidelity  to  him  and  his  family  if  he  would  re- 
ceive  him  as  a  servant,  and  procure  his  manumission  Irom  his 

This  arrangement  having  been  effected  to  the  satisfaction 
of  both  parties,  we  proceeded  on  our  journey,  leaving  the 
ixjor  net^ro  happy  in  the  assurance  that  he  would  be  sent  to 
Slickvilfe  in  the  autumn.  I  feel  provoked  with  that  black  ras- 
cal, said  Mr.  Slick,  for  bein'  such  a  born  fool  as  to  run  away 
from  so  good  a  master  as  Josiah,  for  he  is  as  kind-hearted  a 
ritter  as  ever  lived,— that's  a  fact,— and  a  plaguy  easy  man 
to  his  nifrgers.  1  used  to  tell  him,  I  guessed  he  was  the  only 
slave  on'his  plantation,  for  he  had  to  see  arter  every  thin  ;  he 
hadadieadlul  si^ht  more  to  no  than  they  had.     V  "'-"  " 


work  and  no  play  with  him 


You  forget,  said  1,  that  his  la 


\K>ur  was  voluntary,  and  for  his  own 


benefit,  while  that  of  ihc 


little  booty, 

ntly  asking 
ing  left  sc 
is  dat  black 
T  him  yett 
'  Orleans,  I 
d;  then  he 
ht.  I  hope 
dat  is  good, 
it  into  him 
I  Old  Clav. 
I  Mr.  Slick, 
I  will,  and 

I  a  wet  hair 
isa  Sammy 

e,  and  theve 
by  answer- 
ad  the  state 
he  had  been 
it  was  load- 

II  the  sweets 
the  influence 
3  of  all  that 

the  master, 
of  interests, 
oyment,  and 
le  would  re- 
sion  from  his 

J  satisfaction 
leaving  the 
d  be  sent  to 
lat  black  ras- 
to  run  away 
,nd-hearted  a 
uy  easy  man 
was  the  only 
^ery  thin' ;  he 
1.  It  v/as  all 
,  that  his  la- 
ile  that  of  the 


SLAVERY.  ftft 

negro  is  compulsory,  and  productive  of  nc  advantage  to  him- 
self. What  do  you  think  of  the  abolition  of  slavery  in  tha 
United  States  ?  said  I :  the  intereat  of  the  subject  appears  to 
have  increased  very  much  of  late.  Well,  I  don't  know,  said 
he, — what  is  your  opinion?  1  ask,  I  replied,  for  information. 
It's  a  considerable  of  a  snarl,  that  question,  said  he  ;  I  don't 
know  as  I  ever  onnivelled  it  altogether,  and  I  ain't  gist  quite 
sartuin  I  can — it's  not  so  easy  as  it  looks.  I  recollect  the 
English  gall  I  met  atravellin'  in  the  steamboat,  axed  me  that 
same  question.  What  do  you  think  of  slavery,  said  she,  sir  ? 
Slavery,  marm,  said  I,  is  only  fit  for  white  lovers  (and  I  made 
the  old  lady  a  scrape  of  the  leg), — only  fit,  said  I,  for  white 
lovers  and  black  niggers.  What  an  idea,  said  slie,  for  a  free 
man  in  a  land  of  freedom  to  utter  I  How  that  dreadful  politi- 
cal  evil  demoralizes  a  people  I  how  it  deadens  our  feelin's 
how  it  hardens  the  heart !  Have  you  no  pity  for  the  blacks  ? 
said  she ;  for  you  treat  the  subject  with  as  much  levity  as  if, 
to  use  one  of  the  elegant  and  fashionable  phrases  of  this 
country,  you  thought  it  all  "in  my  et/e."  No  marm,  said  I, 
with  a  very  grave  face,  I  haven't  no  pity  at  all  for  'em,  not 
the  least  mite  nor  morsel  ir\  the  world.  How  dreadful,  said 
she,  and  she  looked  ready  to  expire  with  sentiment.  No  i'eel- 
in'  at  all,  said  I,  marm,  for  the  blacks^  but  a  great  deal  of 
foelin'  for  the  whites,  for  instead  of  bein'  all  in  my  eye,  it's  all 
in  my  nose,  to  have  them  nasty,  horrid^  fragrant  critters,  ago- 
in'  thro'  the  house  like  scent-bottles  with  the  stoppers  out, 
aparfumin'  of  it  up,  like  skunks — it's  dreadful !  Oh  I  said  I, 
it's  enough  to  kill  the  poor  critters.  Phew  !  it  makes  me  sick, 
it  does.  No ;  I  keeps  my  pity  for  the  poor  whites,  for  they 
have  the  worst  of  it  by  a  long  chalk. 

The  constant  contemplation  of  this  painlbl  subject,  said  she, 
destroys  the  vision,  and  its  deformities  are  divested  of  their 
horrors  by  their  occurring  so  often  as  to  become  familiar. 
That,  I  said,  Miss,  is  a  just  observation,  and  a  profound  and 
a  cute  one  too — it  is  actilly  founded  in  natur'.  I  know  a  case 
in  pint,  I  said.  What  is  it  ?  said  she,  for  she  seemed  mighty 
fond  of  anecdotes  (she  wanted  'em  for  her  book,  I  guess,  for 
travels  without  anecdotes  is  like  a  puddin'  without  plums — all 
dough).  Why,  said  I,  marm,  father  had  an  English  cow,  a 
pel  cow  too,  and  a  beautiful  critter  she  was,  a  brindled  short- 
uorn  ;  he  gave  the  niutter  of  eighty  dollars  for  her  ; — she  was 

begot  by .     Never  mind  her  pedigreoi  said  she.     Well. 

says  I,  when  the  great  eclipse  was  (you've  heerd  tell  how  it 


60 


THG    CLOCKMAKER. 


rrightniis  rattle,  haven't  yon  ?)  Brindle  stared  and  staled  al  it 
8(), — slio  lost  her  eye-sight,  and  she  was  as  bhnd  as  a  bat 
ever  allcrwards.     1  hopo  1  may  be  shot  if  she  warn't.     Now, 
1  guess,  we  that  see  more  of  slavery  than  you,  are  like  Brin- 
dle ;  we  have  stared  at  it  so  long  we  can't  see  it  as  other  folks 
do.     You  are  a  droll  man,  said  she,  very  droll ;  but  seriously, 
now,  Mr.  Slick,  do  you  not  think  these  unfortunate  iMIow- 
critters,   our  sable  brothers,  if  emancipated,  educated,  and 
civilized,  are  capable  of  as  much  refinement  and  as  high  a 
degree  of  polish  as  the  whites  ?     Well,  said  I,  joking  apart, 
miss, — there's  no  doubt  on  it.     I've  been  considerable  down 
South  atradin'  among  the  whites, — and  a  kind-hearted,  hospi- 
table,  liberal  race  o'  men  they  be,  as  ever  I  was  among — 
generous,  frank,  manly  folks.    Well,  I  seed  a  good  deal  of  the 
niggers,  too ;  it  couldn't  be  otherwise.     I  must  say  your  con- 
clusion is  a  just  one, — I  could  give  you  several  instances ;  but 
there  is  one  in  pitickelar  that  settles  the  question ;  I  seed  it 
myself  with  my  own  eyes  to  Charleston,  South  Car.     Now, 
said  she,  that's  what  I  fike  to  hear ;  give  me  facts,  said  she, 
for  I  am  no  visionary,  Mr.  Slick ;  I  don't  build  up  a  theory 
and  then  go  alookin'  for  facts  to  support  it ;  but  gather  facts 
candidly  and'  impartially,  and  then  coolly  and  logically  draw 
the  inferences.     Now  tell  me  this  instance  which  you  think 
conclusive,  for  nothin'  interests  us  English  so  much  as  what 
don't  consarn  us ;  our  West  Indgy  emancipation  has  worked 
so  well,  and  in.proved  our  islands  so  much,  we  are  enchanted 
with  the  very  word  emancipation;  it  has  a  charm  for  English 
ears,  beyond  any  thing  you  can  conceive. — Them  Islands  will 
have  spontaneous  production  afore  long.     But  the  refinement 
and  polish  of  these  interestin'  critters  the  blacks, — your  story 
if  you  please,  sir. 

I  have  a  younger  brother,  Miss,  said  I,  that  lives  down  to 
Charleston  ;-— he's  a  lawyer  by  trade — Squire  Josiah  Slick  ; 
he  is  a  considerable  of  a  literary  character.  He's  well  known 
in  the  great  world  as  the  author  of  the  Historical,  Statistical, 
and  Topographical  account  of  Cu^tyhunck,  in  five  volumes ; 
a  work  that  has  raised  the  reputation  of  American  genius 
among  foreign  nations  amazin',  I  assure  you.  He's  quite  a 
self-taught  author  too.  I'll  give  you  a  letter  of  introduction  to 
him  Me,  said  she,  adrawin'  up  her  neck  like  a  swan 
Vou  needn't  look  so  scared,  said  I,  marm,  for  he  is  a  mar- 
yied  man,  and  has  one  white  wile  and  four  white  child roii, 
fourteen  blacl:  concu I  wanted  to  hear,  sir,  said  she,  quite 


SLAVERr. 


HI 


I  deal  of  the 


snappishly,  of  the  negroes,  and  not  of  your  brother  an  1  his 
domestic  arrnngemontH  Well,  nmrm,  said  I ;  on.  day  there 
was  a  dinner-party  to  Jcsiah'.,  and  he  made  the  sanie  Lnurk 
you  did  and  instanced  the  rich  black  marchant  of  Philadel- 
phia,  which  posu.on  was  contra.licted  by  some  other  gentle, 
men  there;  so 'S.ah  oilered  to  bot  one  thousand  dolK  he 
could  produce  ton  black  gentlemen,  who  should  be  allowed,  by 
good  judges,  to  be  more  polished  than  any  liKe  number  of  VhZ 
that  could  be  selected  in  the  town  of  Charleston.    Well,  the  b^t 

Next  day  at  tt^n  o'c  ock,  the  time  fixed,  Josiah  had  his  ten 
niggers  nicely  dressed,  paraded  out  in  the  stretts  a  facin'  of 
^e  sun^and  brought  his  friends  and  the  umpires  to  decide  the 
bet.  Well,  when  hey  got  near  'em,  they  put  their  hands  to 
their  eyes  and  ooked  down  to  the  grou,^  and  the  tea  s  ran 
down  their  cheeks  like  any  thing.  Whose  cheeks  ?  sadsJe  • 
1  urVsaTd  r  V^'  "  v-y  interestin'.  Oh,  the  whites  tj 
rntlin    '  1  ^i^'^"'  '*"^  "^^'  ^  ^^'"  ^^^^••'i  that  mark  of 

S  T^^^'f^^'  pleasure-ni  lot  the  world  know  it.  It  does 
honour  to  their  heads  and  hearts.  But  not  to  their  eyes,  tho'! 
said  I ;  they  swore  they  couldn't  see  a  bit.     What  the  devi 

out.  damn  them,  how  they  shine!  they  look  like  blacK  japan- 
ned  tea-trays  in  the  sun-it's  biindin'-it's  the  devil,  tffi  a 
.act.     Are  you  satisfied  ?  said  'Sy.     Satisfied  of  what !  says 
they ;  satisfied  with  bein'  as  blind  as  buzzards,  eh  ?    Satisfied 
01  the  high  polish  niggers  are  capable  of,  said  Josiah :  why 
houldn't  nigger  hide,  with  lots  of  Day  and  Martin's  blackil? 
on  It  take  as  good  a  polish  as  cow  hide,  eh?     Oh  lord  I  if 
you  d  aheerd  what  a  roar  of  larfter  there  was,  for  all  Charles- 
on  was  there  a'most ;  what  a  hurrain'  and  shoutin' :  it  was 
grand  iun.     I  went  up  and  shook  hands  with  Josiah,  for  1 
a.ways  liked  a  joke  from  a  boy.     Well  done   'Sv,  s^ys  1 
you  ve  put  the  leake  into  'em  this  hitch  rael  complete ,  it, 
grand !     But,  says  h.,  don't  look  so  pleased,  8a^  ;thev  uvl 
cussed  vexed,  and  if  we  crow  I'll  have  to  fight  everv  on«  op 
,r:  tL%^'''^'\^l  ^^y  ^'^  P'^^S^y  *«»^V  fJiem  Southern 

n  nV  JuA  r^}'^  ^  '''^"^-  ^"*'  S^"^  ««i^  he,  Connecticua 
nm  t  a  bad  school  for  a  boy  arter  all,  is  it  ?  I  could  tell  vou 
hlty  such  stories,  Miss,  says  I.     She  drew  up  rather  statdv 

inanlc  you,  sir.  said  shp.  ihnt  vut]]  Ar. .  j  ^^  „„. ... 

If  ic  «  \'n.v      r  '        \    "~\  "T'  '  '      ""'  "^^  ^"'^  wiicrner 

rvor  V  .  I  ^■''"''  ^''°^^^'  '  ""'  ^  h°^'^  «^  y«"r'n.  I^»t  ^vhosa 
fvcr  It  IS,  It  has  more  practical  wit  than  feelin'  in  it. 


58 


THE  CLOCKMAKER. 


11 


The  truth  js,  said  the  Clockmaker,  nothin'  raises  my  dandei 
more,  than  to  hear  English  folks  and  our  Eastern  citizens 
atalkin'  about  this  subject  that  they  don't  understand,  and 
have  nothin'  to  do  with.     If  such  critters  will  go  down  South 
a  meddlin'  with  things  that  don't  consarn  'em,  they  desarve 
what  they  catch.     I  don't  mean  to  say  I  approve  o(  lynchin  , 
because  that's  horrid ;  but  when  a  feller  gets  himse  f  kicked, 
or  his  nose  pulled,  and  larns  how  the  oowskin  teels,  1  don  t 
pitv  him  one  morsel.     Our  folks  won't  l)ear  tamperm  with, 
a«»  vou  Colonists  do ;  we  won't  stand  no  nonsense.     1  he  sub- 
iect  is  gist  a  complete  snarl ;  it's  all  tangled,  and  twisted,  and 
knotted  so,  old  Nick  himself  wouldn't  onravel  it.     What  with 
private  rights,  public  rights,  and  State  rights,  feelin ,  expe- 
diency, and  public  safety,  it's  a  considerable  of  a  tough  sub. 
iect.     The  truth  is,  i  ain't  master  of  it  myself.     I'm  no  book 
man,  I  never  was  to  college,  and  my  time  has  been  mostly 
spent  in  the  clock  trade  and  tooth  business,  and  all  I  know  is 
just  a  little  I've  picked  up  by  the  way.     The  tooth  business, 
said  I ;  what  is  that?  do  you  mean  to  say  you  are  a  dentist  T 
No,  said  ho,  lauuhing ;  the  tooth  business  is  pickin'  up  expe- 
rience.    Whenever  a  feller  is  considerable  cute  with  us,  we 
say  he  has  cut  his  eve  teeth,  he's  tolerable  sharp ;  and  the 
study  of  this  I  call  the  tooth  business.     Now  I  am't  able  to 
!ay  it  all  down  what  I  think  as  plain  as  brother  Josiah  can, 
but  I  have  an   idea  there's  a  good  deal  in  name,  and  that 
slavery  is  a  word  that  frightens  more  than  it  hurts.    It's  some 
o'  the   branches  or  grafts  of  slavery  that  want  cuttin    oft 
Take  away  corporal  punishment  from  the  masters  and  give  it 
to  the  law,  forbid  separatin'  families  and  the  fight  to  compel 
marriage  and  other  connexions,  and  you  leave  slavery  nothin 
more  than  sarvitude  in  name,  and  somethin'  qu=te  as  good 

in  fact.  J     1  . 

Every  critter  must  work  in  this  world,  and  a  labourer  is  a 
slave ;  but  the  labourer  only  gets  enough  to  live  on  'rom  day 
to  day,  while  the  slave  is  tended  in  infancy,  sickness,  and  old 
age,  and  has  spare  time  enough  given  him  to  airn  a  good  deal 
too.  A  married  woman,  if  you  come  to  that,  is  a  slave,  cab 
her  what  you  will,  wife,  woman,  angel,  termegant,  or  devil, 
she's  a  slave ;  and  if  she  happens  to  get  the  upper  hand,  the 
Iiusband  is  a  slave,  and  if  he  don't  lead  a  worse  life  than  any 
black  nigger,  when  he's  under  petticoat  government,  then  my 
name  is  "'not  Sam  Slick.  I'm  no  advocate  of  slavery,  squire 
nor  are  anv  of  our  folks ;  it's  bad  for  the  niggers,  worse  lor 


SLAVBHy. 


50 


the  masters,  and  a  cuss  to  any  country  j  but  we  have  got  it 
and  the  question  is,  what  are  we  to  do  with  it?  Let  them  an- 
swer  that  know,— I  don't  pretend  to  be  able  to. 

The  subject  was  a  disagreeable  one,  but  it  wns  a  strikina 
pocuUarity  of  the  Clockmaker's,  that  he  never  dwelt  long 
upon  any  thing  that  was  not  a  subject  of  national  boost ;  ho 
therefore  very  dcxferousiy  sliiUed  both  the  subject  and  the 
scene  of  it  to  England,  so  as  to  furnish  him  with  a  retort,  of 
which  he  was  at  all  times  exceedingly  fond.  I  have  hecrd 
tell,  said  he,  that  you  iJritiah  have  'muncipated  your  niggers. 
Yes,  said  I,  thank  God  I  ajavcry  exists  not  in  the  British  cm- 
pire.  Well,  I  take  some  credit  to  myself  for  that,  said  tho 
Ciockmaker ;  it  was  me  that  sot  that  ugoin^  any  way.  You  I 
said  I,  with  the  most  unfeigned  astonishment  ;—j/ou  /  how 
could  you,  by  any  possibility  be  instrumental  in  that  i^reat 
national  act?  Well,  I'll  tell  you,  said  he,  tho'  it's  u  consider- 
able  of  a  long  story  too.  When  I  returned  from  Poland,  via 
London,  in  the  huir  speckelation  of  Jabish  Green,  I  went 
down  to  Sheflield  to  execute  a  commission  ;  I  had  to  bribo 
some  muster  workmen  to  go  out  to  America,  and  if  I  didn't 
(ix  'em  it  s  a  pity.  The  critters  wouldn't  go  at  no  rate,  with- 
out the  most  extravagant  onreasonublc  wages,  that  no  busi- 
ness could  aflbrd  no  how.  Well,  Uiere  was  nothiii'  to  be  done 
but  to  agree  to  it }  but  things  worked  right  in  the  long  run  ; 
our  folks  soon  larnt  the  business,  and  then  they  had  to  work 
lor  half  nothin',  or  starve.  It  don't  do  to  drive  too  hard  a 
bargain  always. 

When  I  was  down  there  a  gentleman  culled  on  me  one 
arternoon,  one  John  Canter  by  name,  and  says  he,  Mr.  Slick, 
1  ve  called  to  see  you  to  make  some  inquiries  about  America , 
rne  and  my  friends  think  of  emigratin'  there.  Happy,  sav.i 
1,  to  give  you  any  information  in  my  power,  sir,  and  a  soci- 
able dish  o'  chat  is  what  I  do  like  most  amazin',— it's  kind  o* 
nateral  to  me  talkin'  is.  So  we  sot  down  and  chatted  away 
about  our  great  nation  all  the  artfjrnoon  and  even  in',  and  him 
and  me  got  as  thick  as  two  thieves  afore  wa  parted.— If  vnu 
Will  be  to  home  to-morrow  evenin',  says  he,  1  will  call  a<'ain, 

xi?"  r^^^'^  ^'^'^  ^^  ^^^^'^'  ^^^''*^"'  ^^y^  ^'  *"^'«f  ^^ppy-  ° 

Well,  next  evenin'  he  came  ag'ln ;  and  in  the  course  of 
talk  says  he,  I  was  born  a  qnaker,  Mr.  Slick.  Plenty  of 'em 
^v||h  us,  says  I,  and  well  to  do  In  the  world  too, — fnnsidcrabl*? 

i, — you  can't  no  more 

says 


stitf  folks   in  their  way  them  quakers, — 

mcvo  'em  than  a  church  .<*teeple.     I  like  the  quakers,  too 


60  THfi   CLOGKMAKBR. 

(,  for  Ihere  are  worse  folks  than  them  agoin'  in  the  world  by  a 
long  chalk.  Well,  lately  I've  dissented  from  'em,  aays  he. — 
Curious  that  too,  says  I.  I  was  a  thinkin'  the  beaver  didn't 
shade  the  inner  man  quite  as  much  as  I  have  seed  it :  but, 
says  I,  I  like  dissent ;  it  shows  that  a  man  has  both  a  mind 
ond  a  conscience  too ;  if  he  hadn't  a  mind  'le  couldn't  dissent, 
und  if  he  hadn't  a  conscience  he  wouldn't ;  u  man,  therefore, 
who  quits  his  church  always  stands  a  notch  higher  with  me 
than  a  stupid  obstinate  creature  that  sticks  to  it  'cause  he  was 
born  and  brought  up  in  it,  and  his  father  belonged  to  it — 
there's  no  sense  in  that.  A  quaker  is  a  very  set  man  in  his 
way ;  a  dissenter  therefore  from  a  quaker  must  be  what  I  call 
a  considerable  of  a-  •  —obstinate  man,  says  he,  larfin'.  No, 
Bays  I,  not  gist  exactly  that,  but  he  must  carry  a  pretty  tolera- 
ble stiff  upfjer  lip,  tho' — that's  a  fact. 

Well,  says  he,  Mr.  Slick,  this  country  is  an  aristocratic 
country,  a  very  aristocratic  country  indeed,  and  it  taint  easy 
for  a  man  to  push  himself  when  he  has  no  great  friends  or 
family  interest  {  besides,  if  a  man  has  some  little  talent — says 
he,  (and  he  squeezed  his  chin  between  his  fore-finger  and 
thumb,  as  much  as  to  say,  tho'  I  say  it  that  should'nt  say  it, 
1  have  a  very  tolerable  share  of  it  at  any  rate,)  he  has  no 
opportunity  of  risin'  by  bringin'  himself  afore  the  public. 
Every  avenue  is  filled.  A  man  has  no  chance  to  come  for- 
ward,— money  won't  do  it,  for  that  I  have, — talent  won't  do 
it,  for  the  opportunity  is  wantin'.  I  believe  I'll  go  to  the 
States,  where  all  men  are  equal,  and  one  has  neither  the 
trouble  of  risin'  nor  the  vexation  of  fallin'.  Then  you'd  like 
to  come  forward  in  public  life  here,  would  you,  said  I,  if  you 
had  a  chance?  I  would,  says  he;  that's  the  truth.  Give  mo 
your  hand  then,  says  I,  my  friend,  I've  got  an  idea  that  will 
make  your  fortin.  I'll  put  you  in  a  track  that  will  make 
A  man  of  you  first,  and  a  nobleman  afterwards,  as  sure  as 
thou  says  thee.  Walk  into  the  niggers,  says  1,  and  they'll 
help  you  to  walk  into  the  whites,  and  they'll  make  you  walk 
mto  parliament.  Walk  into  the  niggers !  says  he ;  and  he  sot 
and  stared  like  a  cat  awatchin' of  a  mouse-hole; — walk  into 
the  niggers ! — what's  that  ?  I  don't  onderstand  you. — Take 
up  'mancipation,  says  I,  and  work  it  up  till  it  works  you  up ; 
cal.  meetin's  and  make  speeches  to  'em  ; — get  up  societies  and 
make  reports  to  'ctn  ;-^gct  up  p^tiiions  to  par'tameut,  and  g?;t 
signers  to  'em.  F-nlist  the  women  on  your  side,  of  all  ages, 
sects,  and  denominations.     Excite  'em  first  tho',  for  "vomnn 


he  world  by  a 
m,  says  he.— 
beaver  didn't 

seed  it:  but, 
J  both  a  mind 
uldn't  dissent, 
lan,  therefore, 
gher  with  me 
'cause  he  was 
onged  to  it — 
3t  man  in  his 
be  what  I  call 
,  larfin'.     No, 

pretty  tolera- 

n  aristocratic 
d  it  taint  easy 
eat  friends  or 
3  talent — says 
.>re-finger  and 
lould'nt  say  it, 
e,)  he  has  no 
re  the  public. 
!  to  come  for- 
lenl  won't  do 
I'll  go  to  the 
IS  neither  the 
hen  you'd  like 

said  I,  if  you 
uth.    Give  mo 

idea  that  will 
lat  will  make 
Is,  as  sure  as 

1,  and  they'li 
lake  you  walk 
lie ;  and  he  sot 
c; — walk  into 
d  you. — Take 
I'orks  you  up ; 
p  societies  and 

'uTlCnt,  Slid 

e,  of  all 


....» 

»''•'• 


ages, 


o',  for  "voninn 


SLAVERY.  Qi 

pure  eloquence.  ItWnn^,^  '  m-  ^"""''=°"''  « """t  in 
When  you  .?t  'em  unT  ,'l,  '  -u'"^  i"""'  y™  ""  V  depend, 
no  power  in  parlTamen-  t  "^^'  '!!"''•  '"^  '"'"'»■«  ''"ve 
Certainly  "yf  eyTa^d  ThoTfi,^"''  u^'"^."  '^'"^''• 
the  chrisknllilce  /or&mor     uf,  v"',,""'  ^' '^  f'""" 

life"  so'i' g-^^zr  o^rZk'  ■' "  "h  ^'-i-ke..^ 

»igh.  of  hypocritical  ie'r,iro.„  Z'  "  c," '"™'  •"  >•'"«"> 
always   now.     A  hr<^  nai"    in  fl'^  H  *?"'"  ^""-^ 

larg/party  out  „' KoZ;,nVte  "Tjufefc'  ^■^''tl' 

held  he  e  todav-^hnt""^'  T' J"  "''^^'•>'  f'"'^^'"'---  ^^^'i"' 
the  chair 'Xm:Z;'}u  fiT  ^""^  ^""^^  "^^"^  •^°''"  banter  in 

John  CanteT.-^a  sol/v  V  I     i  P'"''^^"P'^'^'-'  «"d  Christian, 
spor«t«,,,  .      '     ^  r'^'fy  'o'»^«^  'n  one  place,  John  C«ntor 

presidS;r;ohnSir™^  '\'""'^^^''  P''^^^'  John  Cantor 

don,  he  handed  voua^.h'''''y-  '"'^r''"  '""^^  ^^^  ^«»t  ^^  Lon. 
e  nanried  you  a  subscription  l.st,-if  you  went  to  Brigh- 


62 


TKE   CLOCKMAKER. 


ion.  he  met  you  with  a  petition,-if  you  went  to  Sheffield,  h. 
Ued  your  pockets  with  tracts  ;-he  was  a  complete  jack-o  . 
antern,  here  and  there,  and  every  where.  The  last  1  heerd 
eU  of  him  was  in  parliament,  and  agoin'  out  governor-general 
of  some  of  the  colonies.  I've  seen  a  good  many  superfine 
sainlTin  my  time,  squire,  but  this  critter  was  the  most  upper- 
crust  one  I  ever  seed, — he  did  beat  all.  u  ♦     v.  « 

Yes.  the  English  desarve  some  credit  no  doubt;  but  when 
vou  sJbstractelectioneerin'  party  spirit,  hippocracy,  ambition, 
ministerial  flourishes,  and  all  the  ^^^^'l^'^,''^''^'  '^^l^^^ 
rated  in  this  work,  which  at  best  was  but  clumsily  contrived 
and  bunglin'ly  executed,  it  don't  leave  so  much  to  brag  on 
arter  allj^'does  it  now  1 


\i 


\' 


^  CHAPTER  VIII. 

TALKING  LATIN. 

Do  you  see  them  are  country  ««"«  ^^^'^^  ^^^^-^if  jace 
how  thev  are  tricked  out  in  silks,  and  touched  off  with  lace 
ani  rMon  to  the  nine's,  a  mincin'  along  ^vithparasosm  their 
Imnds  as  if  thev  were  afcar'd  the  sun  would  melt  them  like 
^ax  ir  ake  thJcolour  out  of  their  face,  like  a  pnnted  -«- 
blind  1     Well,  that's  gist  the  ruin  of  this  countrv.     It  ain 
poverty,  the  blue  noL  have  to  fear,  for  that  tW  "eed« 
know  without  they  choose  to  make  acquaintance  with  it,  bu 
"tility.    Th'ey  go  the  whole  hog  m  ^H-  count ly^  yo^ 
may  depend.   ;^i:^^^^:::  T  iL^a  Lt  'and 
Tes     :o':.:^:,^U^^^^^^^  the  omyLng  that 

wUl  supply  this  extravagance :  that  is,  be  industrious.     G  sf 
To  in?o  one  of  the  mcetin'  houses,  back  here  in  the  woods, 
where  there  ought  to  be  nothin'  but  homespun  cloth,  and  home- 
made Sand  bonnets,  and  see  the  legl--  and  pe  mc, - 
nnd  silks  and  shalleys,  morenos,  gauzes,  and  blonds,  asstm 
hrdXre%nough  to  buy  the  best  farm  m  the  settlement. 
There's  s^methin''  not  altigether  gist  right  -  this ;  and  th 
worst  of  these  habits  is,  they  ruinate  the  y^Sj^^*^  ^  "^^^ 
y.  ._„.  .,„  „„  Ki(r  rrr^npva  ns  the  old  oncs,  and  eeuQ  in  uk 

alC;,  b^^in^h^smrved  at  last;  there's  a  false  pr* 
S  Mn',  and  faUe  edication  here.     1  n.md  onee,  I  wa, 


^effield,  ht 
te  jack-o'» 
ist  1  heerd 
lor-general 
'f  superfine 
lost  upp«r- 

5  but  when 
r,  ambition, 
s  that  ope* 
r  contrived 
to  brag  on 


TALKING    LATIN. 


63 


\  Mr.  Slick, 
ff  with  lace 
isols  in  their 
jlt  them  like 
rinted  cotton 
ry.     It  ain't 
they  needn't 
with  it ;  but 
;ountry,  you 
.  they  be,  but 
ivagant,  and 
ily  thing  that 
trious.     Gist 
,n  the  woods, 
th,  and  home* 
d  pelmcttors, 
ionds,  assem- 
le  settlement, 
this ;  and  the 
ng  folks,  and 
d  eend  in  the 
a  false  pride. 
\  once,  I  wa? 


down  this  way  to  Canaan,  a  vendin'  o'  my  clocks,  and  who 
should  I  overtake  but  Nabal   Green,  apokin'  along  in  iiig 
wagon,  half-Ioaded  with  notions  from  the  retail  shops,  at  the 
cross  roads.    Why,  Nabal,  said  I,  are  you  agoin'  to  set  up  for 
a  merchant,  for  I  see  you've  got  a  considerable  of  an  assort- 
ment  of  goods  there  ?  you've  got  enough  o'  them  to  make  p 
pedhir's  fortin  a'most.     Who's  dead,  and  what's  to  pay  now? 
Why,  friend   Slick,   said   he,  how  do   you  do?    who'd  a 
thought  o'  seein  you  here  ?     You  see  my  old  lady,  said  he, 
is  agoln'  for  to  give  our  Arabella,  that's  gist  returned  from 
bordin'  school  to  Halifax,  a  let  off  to  night.     Most  all  the  bet- 
termost  folks  in  these  parts  are  axed,  and  the  doctor,  the  law. 
yer,  and  the  minister  is  invited ;  it's  no  skim-milk  story,  I  do 
assure  you,  but  upper  crust,  real  jam.     Ruth  intends  to  do  the 
thing  handsome.   She  says  she  don't  do  it  often,  but  when  she 
does,  she  likes  to  go  the  whole  figur',  and  do  it  genteel.     If 
she  hasn't  a  show  of  dough-nuts  and  prasarves,  and  apple 
sarse  and  punkin  pies  and  sarsages,  it's  a  pity;  it's  taken  all 
hands  of  us,  the  old  lady  and  her  galls  too,  besides  the  helps, 
the  best  part  of  a  week  past  preparin'.     I  say  nothin',  but  it's 
most  turned  the  house  inside  out,  a  settin'  up  things  in  this 
room,  or  toatin'  'em  out  of  that  into  t'other,  and  all  in  such  a 
conflustrigation,  that  I'm  glad  when  they  send  me  of  an  arrand 
to  be  out  of  the  way.    It's  lucky  them  harrycanes  don't  come 
every  day,  for  they  do  scatter  things  about  at  a  great  rate,  ah 
topsy-turvey  like,— that's  sartin.     Won't  you  call  in  and  see 
us  to  night,  Mr.  Slick  ?  folks  will  be  amazin'  glad  to  see  you, 
and  I'll  show  you  some  as  pritty  lookin'  galls  to  my  mind,  in 
our   settlement  here,  as  you'll  see  in  Connecticut,  I  know. 
Well,  says  I,  I  don't  care  if  I  do ;  there's  nothin'  I  like  more 
nor  a  frolic,  and  the  dear  little  critters  I  do  like  to  be  amona 
'cm  too, — that's  sartin. 

In  the  evenin'  T  drives  over  to  Nabal's,  and  aiter  puttin' 
U})  my  beast,  Old  Clay,  I  goes  into  the  house,  and  sure  enough, 
there  they  was  as  big  as  life.  The  young  ladies  asittin'  on 
one  side,  and  the  men  a  standin'  up  by  the  door,  and  chatter, 
in'  away  in  great  good  humour.  There  was  a  young  chap  a 
holdin'  forth  to  the  men  about  politics ;  he  was  a  young  trader, 
set  up  by  some  merchant  in  Halifax,  to  ruinate  the  settlement 
with  good-for-nothin'  trumpery  they  hadn't  no  occasion  for. — 


chock  full  of  foncait  and  affectation,  and  be^ 
way  with  the  yard-stick  to  assembly  already 
Great  dandy  was  Mr  ~ 


innia' 


tu  fee 


i  nis 


assemt 
Bobbin  ;  he  looked  gist  as  if  he  h«4 


i    I  ill! 


64 


THB  CLOCKMAKER* 


came  out  of  the  tailor's  hands,  spic  and  span ;  put  out  his  hp» 
and  drew  down  his  brow,  as  if  he  had  a  trick  o  thmkin  some- 
limes— nodded  his  head  and  winked,  as  if  he  knew  more  than 
he'd  like  to  tell— talked  of  talent  quite  glib,  but  disdainful,  as 
if  ho  would'nt  touch  some  folks  with  a  pair  of  tongs ;  a  great 
scholar  too  was  Mr.  Bobbin,  always  spoke  dictionary,  and 
u<cd  heavy  artillery  words.     I  don't  entertain  no  manner  ot 
doubt  if  government  would  take  him  at  his  own  valuation, 
he'd  be  found  to  be  a  man  o'  great  worth.     I  never  liked  the 
critter,  and  always  gave  him  a  poke  when  I  got  a  chance.    He 
was  a  town  meetin'  orator ;  grand  school  that  to  lam  public 
speakin',  squire;  a  nice  muddy  pool  for  young  ducks  to  larn 
to  swim  in.     He  was  a  grand  hand  to  read  lectures,  in  black- 
smiths'  shops,  at  vandues,  and  the  like,  and  talked  politics  over 
his  counter  at  a  great  size.     He  looked  big  and  talked  big, 
and  altogether  was  a  considerable  big  man  in  his  own  concait. 
He  dealt  in  reform.    He  had  ballot  tape,  suffrage  ribbon,  radi- 
cal   lace,  no  tithe  hats,  and  beautiful  pipes  with  a  democrat  s 
head  on  'em,  and  the  maxim,  "  No  sinecure,"  under  it.    bvery 
thin^  had  its  motto.     No,  sir,  said  he,  to  some  one  he  was  a 
talkm'  to  as  I  came  in,  this  country  is  attenuated  to  pulveriza- 
tion by  its  aristocracy— a  proud  haughty  aristocracy  ;  a  cor- 
rupt,  a  lignious,  and  a  lapidinous  aristocracy  ;  put  them  mto  a 
parcel,  envelope  'em  with  a  panoply  of  paper,  tie  them  up  and 
put   them  into  the    scales,  and   they  will  be  found  wantin  . 
There   is  not  a  pound  of  honesty  among  'em,  nay  not  an 
ounce,  nay  not  a  penny  weight.     The  article  is  wanting— it 
is  not  in  their  catalogue.     The  word  never  occurs  either  m 
their  order,  or  in  their  invoice.     They  wont  bear  the  inspec- 
tion,—they  are  not  marchantable,— nothin'  but  refuse.    ^ 

If  there  is  no  honesty  in  the  market,  says  I,  why  don  t  you 
import  some,  and  retail  it  out?  you  might  make  some  con- 
siderable  profit  on  it,  and  do  good  to  the  country  too ;  it  would 
be  qurfHatriotic  that.  I'm  glad  to  see,  says  I,  one  honest 
man  talkin'  politics  any  how,  for  there's  one  thmg  I  ve  obsarved 
in  the  course  of  my  experience,  whenever  a  man  suspects  all 
the  world  that's  above  him,  of  roguery,  he  must  be  a  pretty 
considerable  superfine  darned-(rogue  himself^,  whispered 
«.ome  critter  standin'  by,  loud  enough  for  all  on  em  to  hear, 
and  to  set  the  whole  party  achokin'  with  larfler)— )udge  of 
^he  article  himself,  says  I.  Now,  says  I,  if  you  do  import 
,!,  gist  let  us  know  how  you  sell  it,— by  the  yard,  the  quart, 
or  the  pound,  will  you  1  for  it  ain't  set  down  in  any  tradin  tables 


TALKING  LATIN. 


65 


out  his  lips 
inkin  some- 
'  more  than 
sduinful,  as 
gs  ;  a  great 
onary,  and 
manner  of 
1  valuation, 
er  liked  the 
ihance.    He 
lam  public 
ucks  to  larn 
?s,  in  black- 
politics  over 
I  talked  big, 
)wn  concait. 
ribbon,  radi- 
i  democrat's 
!r  it.    Every 
ne  he  was  a 
to  pulveriza- 
•acy ;  a  cor- 

them  into  a 
them  up  and 
md  wantin'. 
nay  not  an 
wanting — it 
jrs  either  in 
r  the  inspec- 
sfuse. 

hy  don't  you 
e  some  con- 
;oo ;  it  would 
,  one  honest 
['ve  obsarved 

suspects  all 
t  be  a  pretty 
f,  whispered 
'em  to  hear, 
r) — ;)udge  of 
»u  do  impori 
d,  the  quart, 
tradin'  tables 


I  vo  seen,  whether  it  is  for  long  measure,  dry  measure,  or 
weight. 

Well,  says  he,  atryin'  to  larf,  as  if  he  didn't  take  the  hint, 
I'll  let  you  know,  for  it  might  be  some  use  to  you  perhaps,  in 
the  clock  trade.  May  be,  you'll  be  a  customer,  as  well  as  the 
aristocrats.  But  how  is  clocks  now  ?  said  he,  and  he  gave 
his  neighbour  a  nudge  with  his  elbow,  as  much  as  to  say 
I  guess  it's  my  turn  now, — how  do  clocks  go  ?  Like  som 
young  country  traders  I've  seen  in  my  time,  says  I ;  don't  go 
long  afore  they  are  run  down,  and  have  to  be  wound  up  again. 
They  are  considerable  better  too,  like  them,  for  bein'  kept  in 
their  own  place,  and  plaguy  apt  to  go  wrong  when  moved  out 
of  it.  Thinks  I  to  myself,  take  your  change  out  o'  that, 
young  man,  will  you  ?  for  I'd  heerd  tell  the  goney  had  said 
they  had  cheats  enough  in  Nova  Scotia,  without  havin'  Yankee 
clockmakers  to  put  new  wrinkles  on  their  horns.  Why,  you 
are  quite  witty  this  evenin',  said  he ;  you've  been  masticatin' 
mustard,  I  apprehend  ;  I  was  always  fond  of  it  from  a  boy, 
said  I,  and  it's  a  pity  the  blue  noses  didn't  chew  a  little  more 
of  it,  I  tell  you ;  it  would  help  'em,  p'raps,  to  disgest  their  jokes 
better,  I  estimate.  Why,  I  didn't  mean  no  offence,  said  he, 
I  do  assure  you.  Nor  I  neither,  said  I ;  I  hope  you  didn't 
take  it  any  way  parsonal. 

Says  I,  friend  Bobbin,  you  have  talked  a  considerable  hard 
o'  me  afore  now,  and  made  out  the  Yankees,  most  as  big 
rogues  as  your  great  men  be  ;  but  I  never  thought  any  thing 
hard  of  it :  I  only  said,  says  I,  he  puts  me  in  mind  of  Mrs. 
Squire  Ichabod  Birch.  What's  that  ?  says  the  folks  Why, 
says  I,  Marm  Birch  was  acomin'  down  stairs  one  mornin' 
airly,  and  what  should  she  see  but  the  stable-help  akissin'  of 
the  cook  in  the  corner  of  the  entry,  and  she  afendin'  off  like 
a  brave  one.  You  good-for-nothin'  hussy,  said  Marm  Birch, 
^et  out  of  my  house  this  minit :  I  won't  have  no  such  onde- 
cent  carryin's  on  here,  on  no  account.  You  horrid  critter, 
get  out  o'  my  sight ;  and  as  for  you,  said  she  to  the  Irishman, 
don't  you  never  dare  to  show  your  ugly  face  here  agin.  1 
wonder  you  ain't  ashamed  of  yourselves, — both  on  you 
hegone ;  away  with  you,  bag  and  baggage  ! 

Hulio  I  says  the  squire,  as  he  follerd  down  in  his  dressin* 
gownd  and  slippers  ;  hullo !  says  he,  what's  all  this  touss 
about?  Nothin',  says  P.it,  ascratchiu' of  his  head,  nothin', 
your  honour, — only  the  mistress  says  she'll  have  no  kissiu'  jjj 
'Iip  house,  but  what  she  docs  hersclH     The  cook  had  my  jack- 


THP    CLOCKMAKER. 


H 


i  ' 


ii    uii 


knife  in  her  pocket,  your  honour,  and  wouldn't  give  it  to  nic, 
hut  sot  off  and  ran  here  with  it,  and  I  arter  her,  and  caught 
her.  I  gist  put  my  hand  in  her  pocket  promisc'ously  to  sarch 
for  it, — and  when  1  found  it  I  was  tryin'  to  kiss  her  by  way 
of  forfeit  like,  and  that's  the  long  and  short  o'  the  matter. 
The  mistress  says  she'll  let  no  one  but  herself  in  the  house  do 
that  same.  Tut, — tut, — tut !  says  the  squire,  and  larfed 
right  out ;  both  on  you  go  and  attend  to  your  work  then,  and 
let's  hear  no  more  about  it.  Now,  you  are  like  Marm  Birch, 
friend  Bobbin,  says  I — you  think  nobody  has  a  right  to  be 
honest  but  yourself;  but  there  is  more  o'  that  arter  all  agoin' 
in  th3  world,  than  you  have  any  notion  of,  I  tell  you. 

Feelin'  a  bond  on  my  arm,  I  turns  round,  and  who  should 
I  sej  but  Marm  Green.  Dear  me,  said  she,  is  that  you,  Mr. 
Slick  1  I've  been  looking'  all  about  for  you  for  ever  so  long. 
How  do  you  do? — I  hope  I  see  you  quite  well.  Hearty  as 
brandy,  marm,  says  I,  tho'  not  quite  as  strong,  and  a  great 
deal  heartier  for  a  seein'  of  you.  How  be  you  ?  Reasonable 
well,  and  stirrin',  says  she :  I  try  to  keep  amovin' ;  but  I  shall 
givo  the  charge  of  things  soon  to  Arabella :  have  you  seen 
her  yet  1  No,  says  I,  I  havn't  had  the  pleasure  since  her 
return  :  but  I  hear  folks  say  she  is  a'most  splendid  fine  gall. 
Well,  come,  then,  said  she,  atakin'  o'  my  arm,  let  m.e  intro- 
duce you  to  her.  She  is  a  fine  gall,  Mr.  Slick,  that's  a  fact ; 
and  tho'  I  say  it  that  shouldn't  say  it,  she's  a  considerable 
of  an  accomplished  gall  too.  There  is  no  touch  to  her  in 
these  parts :  minister's  daughter  that  was  all  one  winter  to  St. 
John  can't  hold  a  candle  to  her.  Can't  she,  tho'  ?  said  I.  No, 
said  she,  that  she  can't,  the  consaited  minx,  tho'  she  does  carry 
her  head  so  high.  One  of  the  gentlemen  that  played  at  the 
show  of  the  wild  beasts  said  to  me,  says  he,  I'll  tell  you  what 
it  is,  Marm  Green,  said  he,  your  daughter  has  a  beautiful 
touch — that's  a  fact ;  most  galls  can  play  a  little,  but  yours  does 
the  thing  complete.  And  so  she  ought,  says  she,  takin'  her 
five  quarters  into  view.  Five  quarters  !  said  I ;  well,  if  that 
don't  beat  all !  well,  I  never  heerd  tell  of  a  gall  hivin'  five 
quarters  afore  since  I  was  raised  !  The  skin,  said  I,  I  must 
say,  is  a  most  beautiful  one ;  but  as  for  the  tallow,  who  ever 
heard  of  a  gall's  tallow  ? 

The  fifth  quarter! — Oh  Lord!  said  I,  mnrm,  you'll  kill 
me, — and  1  haw  hawed  right  out.  Why,  Mr.  Siit-k,  says  she, 
ain't  you  a.-!huiti(!d  ?  do,  for  gracious  sake,  lu'luive  yourself;  1 
meant  fii'e  quarters'  schoolin':  what   a   droll   man    you  be. 


TALKING    LATIlf. 


67 


Oh  !  five  quarters'  schoolinM  says  I;  now  I  undprsfand.    And, 
SQid  she,  if  she  don't  paint  it's  a  pity  ?     Paint !  said  I ;  why 
you  don't  say  so  !     I  thouglit  that  are  beautiful  colour  was  all 
nateral.     Well,  I  never  could  kiss  a  gall  that  painted.     Mother 
used  to  say  it  was  sailin'  under  false  colours—I  'most  wonder 
you  could  allow  her  to  paint,  for  I'm  sure  there  ain't  the  leagf 
morsel  of  occasion  for  it  in  the  world  :  you  may  say  that—h 
is  a  pity  !     Get  out,  said  she,  you  imperance ;  you  know'd 
better  nor  that ;  I  meant  her  pictures.     Oh  !  her  pictures,  said 
1 ;  now  I  see  ,---does  she,  tho'  ?     Well,  that  is  an  accomplish- 
ment you  don't  often  see,  I  tell  you— Let  her  alone  for  that, 
said  her  mother.     Here,  Arabella,  dear,  said  she,  come  here 
dear,  and  bring  Mr.  Slick  your  pictur'  of  the  river  that's  got 
the  two  vessels  m  it,— Captain  Noah  Oak's  sloop,  and  Peter 
Zmcks   schooner.      Why,   my   sakes,   mamma,  said   Miss 
Arabella,  with  a  toss  of  her  pretty  little  saucy  mug,  do  you 
expect  me  to  show  that  to  Mr.  Slick  ?  why,  he'll  only  larf  at 
it,~.he  larfs  at  every  thing  that  ain't  Yankee.     Larf,  said  [, 
now  do  tell :  I  guess  I'd  be  very  sorry  to  do  such  an  ongenteel 
thing,  to  any  one,— much  less,  Miss,  to  a  young  lady  like  you. 
No  indeed,  not  I.     Yes,  said  her  mother;  do,  Bella,  dear; 
Mr.  Slick  will  excuse  any  little  defects,  I'm  sure ;  she's  had 
only  five  quarters   you  know,  and  you'll  make  allowances, 
won  t  you,  Mr.  Slick  ?     I  dare  say,  I  said,  thev  don't  stand  in 
need  of  no  allowance's  at  all,  so  don't  be  so'  backward,  my 
dear.     Arter  a  good  deal  of  mock  modesty,  out  skips  Miss 
Arabella,  and  returns  with  a  great  large  water  colour  drawin' 
as  big  as  a  winder-shutter,  and  carried  it  up  afore  hor  face  as 
a  hookin  cow  does  a  board  over  her  eyes  to  keep  her  from 
makm  right  at  you.    Now,  said  her  mother,  lookin'  as  pleased 
as  a  peacock  when  it's  in  full  fig  with  its  head  and  tail  up, 
now,  says  she,  Mr.  Slick,  you  are  a  considerable  judge  of 
pamtm  — seein'  that  you  do  bronzin'  and  gildin'  so  beautiful— 
now  don  t  you  call  that  splendid  ?     Splendid  !  says  I ;  I  guess 
there  ain't  the  beat  of  it  to  be  found  in  this  country,  any 
how ;  I  never  seed  any  thing  like  it :  you  couldn't  dit'to  it  in 
the  provii^e  I  know.     I  guess  not,  said  her  mother,  nor  in 
the  next  province  neither.    It  sartainly  beats  all,  said  I.    And 
eo  it  did.  Squire;  you'd  adied  if  you'd  aseed  it,  for  larfin. 
Ihere  was  two  vessels  one  right  alxjve  t'other,  a  great  big 
black  cloud  on  the  top,  and  a  church-steenle  standin'  unrhr 
fhe  boltom  of  the  schooner.     Well,  says  I,  that  is  beai.fifiil- 
'hats  a  fact;  but  tho  water,  said  I,  miss ;  vou  havn't  done 


68 


THE   CLOGKMAKBR. 


that  yet ,  wy>en  you  put  that  in,  it  will  be  complete.  Not  yet, 
itaid  she ;  the  greatest  difficulty  I  have  in  paintin'  is  in  makin' 
water.  Have  you  tho'  ?  said  I ;  well  that  is  a  pity.  Ves, 
said  she,  it's  the  hardest  thing  in  natur' — I  cant  do  it  straight, 
nor  make  it  look  of  the  right  colour ;  and  Mr.  Acre,  our  mas- 
ter, said  you  must  always  make  water  in  straight  lines  in 
painting,  or  it  ain't  nateral  and  aiif  t  pleasin' :  vessels  too  are 
considerable  hard ;  if  you  make  them  straight  up  and  down 
they  look  stiff  and  ongraceful  like,  and  if  you  put  them  onder 
sail  then  you  should  know  all  about  fixin'  the  sails  the  right 
way  for  the  wind— if  ycu  cion't,  it's  blundersomc.  I'm  terri- 
bly troubled  with  the  effect  of  wind.  Oh !  says  I.  Yes,  I 
am,  said  she,  and  if  I  could  only  manage  wind  and  water  in 
paintin'  landscapes,  why  it  would  be  nothin' — I'd  do  'em  in  a 
jiffey ;  but  to  produce  the  right  effect  these  thmgs  take  a  great 
deal  of  practice.  I  thought!  should  have  snorted  right  out  to 
hear  the  little  critter  run  on  with  such  a  regular  bam.  Oh 
dear !  said  I  to  myself,  what  pains  some  folks  do  take  to 
make  fools  of  their  children  :  here's  as  nice  a  little  heifer  as 
ever  was,  alettin'  of  her  clapper  run  away  with  her  like  an 
onruly  horse ;  ^he  don't  know  wkero  it  will  take  her  to  yet, 
no  more  than  the  man  in  the  moon. 

As  she  carried  it  out  again,  her  mother  said.  Now,  I  take 
some  credit  to  myself,  Mr.  Slick,  for  that ; — she  is  throwed 
away  here ;  but  I  was  detarmined  to  have  her  educated,  and 
so  I  sent  her  to  bordin'  school,  and  yon  see  the  effect  of  her 
five  quarters.     Afore  she  went,  she  .  as  three  years  to  the 
combined  school  in  this  district,  that  includes  both  Dnlhousie 
and  Sherbrooke :  you  have  combined  schools  in  the  States, 
hav'n't  you,  Mr.  Slick?     I  guess  we  have,  said  i ;  boys  and 
galls  combined ;  I  was  to  one  on  'em,  when  I  was  consider- 
able well  grown  up :  Lord,  what  fun  we  had  !     It's  a  grand 
place  to  lam  the  multiplication  table  at,  ain't  it  ?     I  recollect 
once, — Oh  fie  !  Mr.  Slick,  I  mean  a  siminary  for  young  gen- 
tlemen and  ladies  where  they  larn  Latin  and  English  com- 
bined.    Oh  latten !  said  I ;  they  larn  latten  there,  do  they  ? 
Well,  come,  there  is  some  sense  in  that ;  I  didn't  know  there 
was  a  factory  of  it  in  all  Nova  Scotia.     I  know  how  to  make 
latten ;  father  sent  me  clean  away  to  New  York  to  larn  it. 
You  mix  up  calamine  and  copper,  and  it  makes  a  brass  as 
near  like  gold  as  one  pea  is  like  another ;  and  then  there  is 
another  kind  o'  Uuicn  workin'  tin  over  iron, — it  makes  a  most 
complete  imitation  of  silver.     Oh  !  a  knowledge  of  latten  has 


e.  Not  yet, 
is  in  makin* 
pity.  \e8, 
lo  it  straight, 
:re,  our  mas- 
ight  lines  in 
issels  too  are 
ip  and  down 
t  them  onder 
ails  the  right 
3.  I'm  terri- 
es I.  Yes,  I 
md  water  in 
d  do  'em  in  a 
i  take  a  great 
d  right  out  to 
ir  bam.  Oh 
3  do  take  to 
ittle  heifer  as 
h  her  like  an 
ie  her  to  yet, 

,  Now,  I  take 
le  is  throwed 
jducated,  and 

effect  of  her 

years  to  the 
Mh  Dnlhousie 
in  the  States, 

i ;  boys  and 
Bvas  consider- 

It's  a  grand 
?  I  recollect. 
r  young  gen- 
English  com- 
ere,  do  they  1 
I't  know  there 

how  to  make 
)rk  to  lam  it. 
es  a  brass  as 

then  there  is 
makes  a  most 
}  of  lattcn  has 


TALKING    LATIH. 


60 


Deen  of  great  sarvice  to  me  in  the  clock  trade,  you  may  de 
ixjnd  It  has  helped  me  to  a  nation  sight  of  the  Bfuawine 
iiu'tals,— that's  a  fact.  »  • 

Why,  what  on  airth  are  yop  atalkin'  about  ?  said  Mrs. 
C.roeii.  I  don  t  mean  that  latten  at  all ;  I  mean  the  Latin 
they  larn  at  schools.     Well,  I  don't  know,  said  I:  I  never 

wV  .""^-  ?^''^.iM^'"''  °'  '^"^"'  "*^''  ^^e*"  heerd  tell  of  any. 

U  hat  .s  It  ?     Why,  it  s  a it's  a .    Oh,  you  know  well 

enough,  said  she;  only  you  make  as  if  you  didn't,  to  poke 
«l  me-  I  believe,  on  my  soul,  you've  been  abammin'  of 
rne  the  whole  bless*  J  time.  I  hope  I  be  shot  if  I  do,  said 
i ;  so  do  tell  me  what  it  is.  Is  it  any  thing  in  the  silk  factory 
line,  or  the  straw-plat,  or  the  cotton  warp  way  ?  Your  head 
said  she,  considerable  miffy,  is  always  a  runnin'  on  a  factory' 
Latin  IS  a  -— -.     Nabal,  said  she,  do  tell  me  what  Latin  is. 

Latin,   says    he,— why,   Latin  is ahem,  it's what 

they  teach  at  the  Combined  School.  Well,  says  she,  we  all 
know  that  as  well  as  you  do,  Mr.  Wisehead ;  but  what  is  it? 
Lome  here,  Arabella  dear,  and  tell  me  what  Latin  is  f  Why 
Latin,  ma,  said  Arabella,  is,— am-o,  I  love;  am-at,  he  loves 
ain.amus,  we  love  ;-that's  Latin.  Well,  it  does  sound  dread- 
fill  pretty,  tho',  don't  it  ?  says  I ;  and  yet,  if  Latin  is  love  and 
love  IS  Latin,  you  hadn't  no  occasion,~and  1  got  up,  and  slipt 
my  hand  into  hers- you  hadn't  no  occasion  to  go  to  the  Com- 

Imied  School  to  larn  it ;  for  natur',  say«  I,  teaches  that  a 

and  1  was  whisperin'  of  the  rest  o'  the  sentence  in  her  ear 
when  her  mother  said,— Come,  come,  Mr.  Slick,  what's  that 
you  are  asay.ng  of?  Talkin'  Latin,  says  I,-awinkin'  to 
Arabella ;— ain't  we,  miss  ?  Oh  yes,  said  she,— returnin'  the 
squeeze  of  my  hand  and  larfin' ;— oh  yes,  mother,  artcr  al' 
he  understands  it  complete.  Then  take  my  seat  here,  says 
he  old  lady,  and  both  on  you  sit  down  and  talk  it,  for  it  will 
t^e  a  good  practice  for  you  ;— and  a  .ay  she  sailed  to  the  eend 
ot  the  room,  and  left  us  a— talking  Latin. 

I  hadn't  been  asiltin'  there  long  afore  doctor  Ivory  Hovey 
came  up,  asmirkin',  and  asmilin',  and  arubbin'  of  his  hands, 
as  It  he  was  agoin'  to  say  somethin'  very  witty;  and  I  ob- 
»»erved,  the  moment  he  came,  Arabella  took  herself  off.  She 
R«id,  she  couldn't  'bide  him  at  all.  Well,  Mr.  Slick,  said  he, 
now^are  you  ?  how  do  you  do,  upon  an  average,  eh  ?  Prav, 
js^.!a..g  your  opiiiioii  of  matters  unu  things  in  general,  eh  1 

ilV?"  L,."?  y.?"  ''""'^  e^^iib't  «uch  a  show  of  fine  bloomin' 
galls  in  Shckville,  eh  ?     Not  a  bad  chance  for  vou,  I  guess-^ 


n 


I 


::!!> 


• 


'I 
il 


70 


THE   CLOCKMAKim. 


(and  ho  gave  that  word  gunss  a  twang  that  made  the  folki 

larf  all  round,) — said  he,  for  you  to  speckilato  for  a  wife,  eh? 

VVell,  says  I,  there  is  a  pretty  show  o'  galls, — that's  sartain, 

— but  they  wouldn't  condescend  to  the  like  o'  me.     I  was 

athinkin'  there  was  some  on  'em  that  would  gist  suit  you  to  n 

T.     Me,  says  he,  adrawin'  of  himself  up  and  looking  big, — 

mef  and  he  turned  up  his  nose  like  a  pointer  dog  when  the 

birds  flowed  oflT.    When  /  honour  a  Indy  with  the  otler  of  mij 

hand,  says  he,  it  will  be  a  lady.     Well,  thinks  I,  if  you  nin't 

a  consaitcd  critter  it's  a  pity ;  most  on  'em  are  a  plaguy  sight 

too  good  for  you,  so  I  will  gist  pay  you  olf  in  your  own  coin. 

Says  I,  you  put  me  in  mind  of  Lawyer  Endicot*8  dog.    What's 

that?  says  the  folks  acrowdin'  round  to  hear  it,  for  I  seed 

plain  enough  that  not  one  on  'em  liked  him  one  morsel.    Says 

I,  he  had  a  great  big  black  dog  that  he  used  to  carry  about 

with  him  every  where  ho  went,  into  the  churches  and  into  the 

court.    The  dog  was  always  abotherin'  of  the  judges,  agettin' 

between  their  legs,  and  they  used  to  order  him  to  bo  turned 

out  every  day,  and  they  always  told  the  lawy<;r  to  keep  his 

dog  to  home.     At  last,  old  Judge  Porson  said  to  the  constable 

one  day,  in  a  voice  of  thunder.  Turn  out  that  dog !  and  the 

judge  gave  him  a  kick  that  sent  him  half-way  across  the 

room,  yelpin'  and  howlin'  like  any  thing.     The  lawyer  was 

properly  vexed  at  this ;  so  says  he  to  the  dog,  Pompey,  says 

he,  come  here  !  and  the  dog  came  up  to  him.   Didn't  I  always 

tell  you,  said  he,  to  keep  out  o'  bad  company  ?     Take  that 

said  he,  agivin'  of  him  a'most  an  awful  kick, — take  that  !— 

and  the  next  time  only  go  among  gentlemen  ;  and  away  went 

the  dog,  lookin'  foolish  enough,  you  may  depend.     What  do 

you  mean  by  that  are  story,  sir?  said  he,  abristlin'  up  like  a 

mastiff.     Noihin',  says  I;  only  that  a  puppy  sometimes  gets 

into  company  that's  too  good  for  him,  by  mistake ;  and,  if  he 

forgets  himself,  is  plaguy  apt  to  get  bundled  out  faster  than  he 

came  in ;  and  I  got  up  and  walked  away  to  the  other  side. 

Folks  gave  him  the  nickname  of  Endicot's  dog  arter  that, 
and  I  was  glad  on  it ;  it  sarved  him  right,  the  consaited  ass. 
I  heerd  the  critter  amutterin'  sun'thin'  of  the  Clockmaker 
illustratin'  his  own  case,  but,  as  I  didn't  want  to  be  parsoriul 
I  made  as  if  I  didn't  hear  him.  As  I  went  over  towards  the 
side  table,  who  should  I  see  aleanin'  up  against  it  but  Mr. 


Bobbin,  prcti 


;!v  well  shaved,  with  a  glnss  o'  grog 


cuiisiuurauiy 
in  his  hand,  alookin'  as  cross  as  you  please,  andjo  far  gone, 
he  was  a 


hinkin'  aloud,  and  atalkin'  to  himself.   There  coma 


TALKING   LATIN. 


71 


"*  soft  sawder,"  says  he,  and  "  human  natur'," — omranin 
me  —a  Yankee  broom, — wooden  nutmegs,— cussed  saicy,— 
great  mind  to  kick  him.  Aral)ellu'H  got  her  head  turned,-— 
consaitcd  minx ;-— good  exterior,  but  nothin'  in  her, — like 
Slick's  clu<-ks,  all  gilded  and  varnished  outside,  and  soil  wood 
within.  Gist  do  for  Ivory  Ilovoy, — same  breed, — big  head, 
—long  cars, — a  pair  of  donkeys  I  Shy  old  cock,  that  dea- 
con,—joins  Temperance  Societies  to  get  popular, — slips  tho 
gin  in,  pretends  it's  water  j — I  see  him.  But  here  goes,  I  be- 
lieve I'll  slip  off.  Thinks  I,  it's  getlin'  on  for  mornin' ;  I'll 
slip  ofT  too ;  so  out  I  goes  ond  harnesses  up  Old  Clay,  and 
drives  homo. 

Gist  as  I  came  from  the  barn  and  got  opposite  to  tho  house, 
I  heerd  some  one  acrackin'  of  his  whip,  and  abawlin'  out  at  a 
preat  size,  and  I  looked  up,  and  who  should  I  see  but  Bobbin 
m  his  wagon  ag'in  the  polo  fence.  Comin'  in  the  air  had 
•nade  him  blind  drunk.  Ho  was  ulickin'  away  at  tho  top  pole 
of  the  fence,  and  afancying  his  horse  was  there,  and  wouldn't 
go.— Who  comes  there  ?  said  ho.  Clockmakcr,  said  I.  Gist 
take  my  horse  by  the  head, — that's  a  good  feller ,^will  you  7 
naid  he,  and  lead  him  out  as  far  as  the  road.  Cuss  him,  ho 
won't  stir.  Spiles  a  good  horse  to  lead  him,  says  I ;  he  al- 
ways looks  for  it  again.  Gist  you  lay  it  on  to  him  well, — 
his  hams  ain't  made  o'  hickory  like  mine.  Cut  away  at  him  ; 
ho'll  go  by  and  by  ; — and  I  drove  away  and  left  him  acuttin' 
and  aslashin'  at  the  fence  for  dear  life.  Thinks  1,  you  aro 
not  the  first  ass  that  has  been  brought  to  a  poll,  any  how. 

Next  day,  I  met  Nabal.  Well,  said  he,  Mr.  Slick,  you  hit 
your  young  trader  rather  hard  last  night ;  but  I  warn't  sorry 
to  hear  you,  tho',  for  the  critter  is  so  full  of  consait,  it  will  do 
him  good.  He  wants  to  pull  every  one  down  to  his  own  level, 
as  he  can't  rise  to  theirs,  and  is  for  everlastin'ly  spoutin'  about 
Mouse  of  Assembly  business,  officials,  aristocrats,  and  such 
stuff;  he'd  be  a  plaguy  sight  better,  in  my  mind,  attendin'  to 
his  own  business,  instead  of  talkin'  of  other  folks' ;  and  usin' 
his  yardstick  more,  and  his  tongue  less.  And  lx3tween  you 
and  me,  Mr.  Slick,  said  he, — tho'  I  hope  you  won't  let  on  to 
any  one  that  I  said  any  thing  to  you  about  it — but  atween 
ourselves,  aa  we  are  alone  here,  I  am  athinkin'  my  old  woman 
is  in  a  fair  way  to  turn  Arabella's  head  too.  All  this  paintin', 
and  singin',  and  talkin'  Latin,  is  very  well,  I  consait,  for  ihem 
who  havo  time  fnr  it,  nnfl  nrsfhin'  better  to  <]o  to  home  It's 
bolter  p'r'aps  'o  be  adoia'  of  that  than  aJoin'  of  nothin',  bul 


V8 


TUB   OLOCKMAKBR. 


for  the  like  o'  us,  who  have  to  live  by  farmin',  and  keep  a 
considerable  of  a  large  dairy,  and  upwards  of  a  hundred 
sheep,  it  doea  seem  to  me  sometimes  as  if  it  were  a  little  out 
of  place.  Be  candid  now,  said  he,  for  I  should  like  to  hear 
what  your  rael  genuwiwe  opinion  is  touchin'  this  matter^  seoin' 
that  you  know  a  good  deal  of  the  world. 

Why,  friend  Nabal,  says  I,  as  you've  asked  my  advice,  I'll 
give  it  to  you  ;  tho'  any  thin'  partainin'  to  the  apron-string  ia 
what  I  don't  call  myself  a  judge  of,  and  feel  delicate  of  med* 
dlin'  with.  Woman  is  woman,  says  I ;  that's  a  fact ;  and  a 
feller  that  will  go  for  to  provoke  hornets,  is  plaguy  apt  to  get 
himself  stung,  and  1  don't  know  as  it  does  not  sarve  him 


right  too ;  but  this  I  must  say,  friend,  that  you're  just  about 
half  right, — that's  a  fact.  The  proper  music  for  a  farmer's 
house  is  the  spinnin'-wheel — the  true  paintin'  the  dye  stuffs,— 
and  the  tambourin'  the  loom.  Teach  Arabella  to  be  useful 
and  not  showy,  prudent  and  not  extravagant.  She  is  gist 
about  as  nice  a  gall  as  you'll  see  in  a  day's  ride ;  now  don't 
spoil  her,  and  let  her  get  her  head  turned,  for  it  would  be  a 
rael  right  down  pity.  One  thing  you  may  depend  on  for  sar- 
tain,  as  a  maxim  in  the  farmin'  line, — a  good  darter  and  a 
good  housekeeper,  is  plaguy  apt  to  rnake  a  good  wife  and  a 
good  mother. 


CHAPTER  IX. 

THE  SNOW  WREATH. 

Whoever  has  read  Haliburton's  History  of  Nova  Scotia 
(which,  next  to  Mr.  Josiah  Slick's  History  of  Cuttyhunk,  in 
five  volumes,  is  the  most  important  account  of  unimportant 
things  i  have  ever  seen,)  will  recollect  that  this  good  city  of 
Annapolis  is  the  most  ancient  one  in  North  America;  but 
.here  is  one  fact  omitted  by  that  author,  which  I  trust  he  will 
not  think  an  intrusion  upon  his  provirxe,  if  I  take  the  liberty 
Df  recording,  and  that  is,  that  in  addition  to  its  being  the  most 
ancient — it  is  also  the  most  loyal  city  of  this  Western  Hemi- 
sphere. This  character  it  has  always  sustained,  and  "  royal," 
Rs  a  mark  of  peculiar  favor,  has  ever  been  added  to  its  cog- 
nomen by  every  government  that  has  had  dominion  over  it. 

Under  the  French,  with  whom  it  was  a  great  favorite,  it 


t       ,1 


in',  and  keep  u 
of  a  hundred 
rere  a  little  out 
lid  like  to  hear 
lis  matter,  seoin' 

I  my  advice,  I'll 
apron-string  ia 
lelicate  of  med« 
a  fact;  and  a 
aguy  apt  to  get 
not  sarve  him 
3u're  just  about 
c  for  a  farmer's 
the  dye  stuffs,— 
Ua  to  be  useful 
It.  She  is  gist 
ride ;  now  don't 
jr  it  would  be  a 
pend  on  for  sar. 
d  darter  and  a 
vod  wife  and  a 


THE  SNOW   WREATH. 


73 


of  Nova  Scotia 
f  Cuttyhunk,  in 

of  unimportant 
lis  good  city  of 
h  America ;  but 
;h  I  trust  he  will 
take  the  liberty 
ts  being  the  most 

Western  Hemi- 
3d,  and  "  royal," 
added  to  its  cog- 
minion  over  it. 
great  favorite,  il 


was  called  Port  Royal ;  and  the  good  Queen  Anne,  who  con- 
descended  to  adopt  it,  permitted  it  to  be  called  Annapolis 
Koyal.  A  book  issuing  from  Nova  Scotia  is,  as  Blackwood 
very  ju^ly  observes,  in  his  never-to-be-forgotten,  nor  ever- 
to-be-sufficiently-admired  review  of  the  first  series  of  this 
work,  one  of  those  unexpected  events  that  from  their  great 
iinprobabihty  appear  almost  incredible.  Entertaininl  no 
doubt,  therefore,  that  every  member  of  the  cabinet  will  read 
this  lusus  natura,  1  take  this  opportunity  of  informing  them 
that  our  most  gracious  Sovereign  Queen  Victoria,  has  not  in 
all  her  wide-spread  dominions  more  devoted  or  loyal  subjects 
than  thegood  people  of  Annapolis  Royal. 

Here  it  was,  said  I,  Mr.  Slick,  that  the  egg  was  laid  of  that 
American  bird,  whose  progeny  have  since  spread  ov-  this 
immense  continent.  Well,  it  is  a  most  beautiful  bird  too,  ain't 
It  ?  said  he ;  what  a  plumage  it  has  !  what  a  size  it  is !  It  is 
a  whopper—that  s  sartain  :  it  has  the  courage  and  the  soarin' 
of  the  eagle,  and  the  colour  of  the  peacock,  and  his  majestic 
step  and  keen  eye ;  the  world  never  seed  the  beat  of  it ;  that's 
a  tact.  How  streaked  the  English  must  feel  when  they  think 
they  once  hacT  -t  m  the  cage  and  could'nt  keep  it  there;  it  is 
a  pity  they  are  so  invyous  tho',  I  declare.  Not  at  all,  I  assure 
you,  1  replied ;  there's  not  a  man  among  them  who  is  not 
ready  to  admit  all  you  have  advanced  in  favour  of  your  na- 
iional  emblem ;  the  fantastic  strut  of  the  peacock,  the  melodi- 
ous  and  attic  tones,  the  gaudy  apparel,  the  fondness  for 
display  which  IS  perpetually  exhibiting  to  the  world  the  ex. 
tended  tad  with  painted  stars,  the  amiable  disposition  of  the 
bird  towards  the  younger  and  feebler  offspring  of  others,  the 

unwieldy -_  I  thought   so,  said  he;   I  had'nt  ought  to 

have  spoke  of  it  afore  you,  for  it  does  seem  to  ryle  you ;  that's 
^rtmn;  and  I  don't  know  as  it  was  gist  altogether  right  to 
allude  to  a  thin'  that  is  so  humblin'  to  your  national  pride. 
«ut,  squire,  ain't  this  been  a  hot  day?  I  think  it  would  pass 
muster  among  the  hot  ones  of  the  West  Indgies  a'most.  I  do 
wish  I  could  gist  slip  off  my  flesh  and  sit  in  my  bones  for  a 
spuce,  to  cool  myself,  for  I  ain't  seed  such  thawv  weather  this 
many  a  year,  I  know.  I  calculate  I  will  brew  a  little  lemonade, 
lor  Marni  Bmley  gmerally  keeps  the  materials  for  that  Tem- 
Derance  Society  drink. 

This  rlimnto  «'   Mz-^.to  C! ♦:_    j ....  .      . 

»i     ,~~ :  V   -^ -''-"" '^^vtia  uucs  run  to  extremes;  it  has 

the  hottest  and  the  coldest  days  in  it  I  ever  seed.    I  shall  never 
A)rgrl  a^nighf  I  spent  here  three  winters  ago.     I  come  very 


«^  THE   CLOCKMAKER. 

near  freezin'  to  death.     The  very  thought  of  that  night  J.t. 
r^l  mTthe  hottest  day  in  summer.     It  was  about  the  lattei 
^nd^f  February,  as  far  as  my  memory  sarves  me,  I  came 
Twr  here  rcro^ss  over  the  buy  to  St.  John,  and  it  was  con. 
sidemble  arter  dayUght  down  when  I  arrived.     It  was  th. 
mtrvTolent  sh^^^^^^  weather    and  the  most  cruel  cold,  1 
think  I  ever  mind  seein'  since  I  was  raised, 
"say   Marm  Bailey  to  me, Mr.  SUck,  says  she,  I  donYnow 
whatUer  the  sun  I'm  agoin'  to  do  with  yo»' ^/^fj^J  '^^^ 
be  able  to  accommodate  you,  for  there's  a  whole  raft  ol  tolks 

from  Halifax  here,  and  -  ^^^  f -^-'^-"^^Tlf^^M^t 
I  don't  know  who  all ;  and  the  house  is  chuck  fuU,  1  decto. 


forS^LZTysTrrst  s';^-^^^^^^^  kiow's  an  old  rule, 
and  Ss  the  ;or^  now-a  days.  Yes,  I'll  gist  ta  e  the  hearth- 
ruff  for  it,  and  a  good  warm  birth  it  is  too.  Well,  says  sne, 
I  i^t  th  nk  o'  thit  at  no  rate:  there's  old  Mrs.  Fair ns  m  the 
neTstreS  but  one;  she's  got  a.spare  bed  she  ets  ou  tsom 
times :  I'll  send  up  to  her  to  get  it  ready  for  you,  and  to.mor 
roT  these  fo^ks  will  be  oif,  and  then  you  can  have  your  old 

'ToTrtStpper,  old  Johnny  Farquhar,  the  English  help, 
showed  me  up  to  the  widder's.     She  was   considerable  in 
vea^  buTa  cheerfulsome  old  lady  and  very  pleasant,  but  she 
Tad  a  darter,  the  prettiest  gall  I  ever  seed  ^nce  I  was  created 
There  was  somethin'  or  another  about  her  that  made  a  bod> 
feel  melancholy  too;  she  was  a  lofly-ooking  critter  but  he 
countenance  was  sad  ;  she  was  tall  and  well-made,  had  beau 
tiful  lookin'  long  black  hair  and  ^lack  eyes ;  bu    oh !  ho  v 
pale  she  was  !-and  the  only  colour  she  had  was  a  li  tie  fever 
like  lookin'  red  about  her  lips.     She  was  dressed  m  black, 
tbich  made  her  countenance  look  more  -arWe4d.e ;  ^d  y 
whatever  it  was,— natur',  or  consumption,  or  desartion,  or  set 
S  on  the  anxi;us  benches,  or  what  not  that  -ade  her  bo^^ 
BO,  yet  she  hadn't  fallen  away  one  morsel,  but  was  ful  formed 
and  well  waisted.     I  couldn't  keep  my  eyes  off  of  her. 

I  felt  a  kind  o'  interest  in  her;  I  seemed  as  if  1  d  like  rc 
hear  her  story,  for  somethin'  or  another  had  gone  wrong' 

1  /  .f-  Xr-- -  I'ttlo  «tnrv  of  the  heart,  most  like,  foi 

that  was  elfcai  ,  s^--^^-^-  !•' —--,•     -  '    *  tu^ 


young 
She  never 


;alls  are  plaguy  apt  to  have 


smiled,  and  when  she 


tender  spot  thereabouis. 
looked  on  me. 


she  looked  so 


THE   SNOW    WREATH. 


75 


Streaked  and  so  sad,  and  cold  withal,  it  made  me  kmder  sii- 
perstitious.     Her  voice,  too,  was  so  sweet,  and  yet  so  dolefut, 
that  I  felt  proper  sorry,  and  amazin'  curious  too ;  thinks  J,  I'll 
gist  ax  to-morrow  all  about  her,  for  folks  have  pretty  cute  ears 
»n  Aunapolis ;  there  ain't  a  smack  of  a  kiss  that  ain't  heerd 
ill  over  town  in  two  two's  and  sometimes  they  think  they  heer 
em  even  afore  they  happen.     It's  a'most  a  "grand  place  for 
lews,  like  all  other  small  places  I  ever  seed.     Well,  I  tried 
jokin'  and  funny  stories,  and  every  kind  o'  thing  to  raise  a 
larf,  but  all  wouldn't  do ;  she  talked  and  listened  and  chatte<I 
iway  us  if  there  was  nothin'  above  partikiler;  but  still  no 
4mile ;  her  face  was  cold  and  clear  and  bright  as  the  icy  sur- 
face  of  a  lake,  and  so  transparent  too,  you  could  see  the  veins 
n  it.     Arter  awhile,  the  old  lady  showed  me  to  my  chamber, 
«nd  there  was  a  fire  in  it ;  but  oh !  my  sakes,  how  cold  !  it  was 
.ike  goin'  down  into  a  well   in  summer— it  made  my  blood 
fairly  thicken  ag'in.     Your  tun.bler  is  out,  squire ;  try  a  little 
more  of  that  lemonade ;  that  iced  water  is  grand.     Well,  I  sot 
over  the  fire  a  space,  and  gathered  up  the  little  bits  o'  brands 
and  kindlin'  wood,  (for  the  logs  were  green,  and  wouldn't 
burn  up  at  no  rate ;)  and  then  I  ondressed  and  made  a  despe- 
rate jump   right  into   the  cold  bed  with  only  half  clothes 
enough  on  it  for  such  weather,  and  wrapped  up  all  the  clothes 
around  me.     Well,  I  thought  I  should  have  died.     The  frost 
was  in  the  sheets, — and  my  breath  looked  like  the  steam  from 
a  boilin'  tea-kettle,  and  it  settled  right  down  on  the  quilt,  and 
froze  into  white  hoar.     The  nails  in  the  house  cracked  like  a 
gun  with  a  wet  wad,— they  went  off  like  thunder,  and,  now 
and  then,  you'd  hear  some  one  run  along  ever  so  fast,  as  if  he 
couldn't  show  his  nose  to  it  for  one  minit,  and  the  snow  crack- 
in'  and  crumplin'  onder  his  feet,  like  a  new  shoe  with  a  stiff 
sole  to  it.     The  fire  wouldn't  blaze  no  longer,  and  only  gavr 
up  a  blue  smoke,  and  the  glass  in  the  window  looked  all  fuzzy 
with  the  frost.     Thinks  I,  I'll  freeze  to  death  to  a  sartainty. 
If  I  go  for  to  drop  off  asleep,  as  sure  as  the  world  I'll  never 
wake  up  ag'in.     I've  heerin'  tell  of  folks  afore  now  feelin 
dozy  like,  out  in  the  cold,  and  layin'  down  to  sleep,  and  goin 
for  it,  and  I  don't  half  like  to  try  it,  I  vow.     Well,  I  got  c  «. 
siderable  narvous  like,  and  I  kept  awake  near  about  all  night, 
tremblin'  and  shakin'  like  ague.     My  teeth  fiirly  chattered 
n  —  J  •■■■^'t  »  iviaucvi  xjiix^  luui  ug  III  uiiuuicr, — men  i  aouDied 
up  all  on  a  heap,  and  then  rubbed  all  over  with  my  hands 
Oh !  it  was  dismal,  you  nay  depend ;— at  last  I  began  to  nod 


11    ill  ■ 


76 


THE   CLOCKMAKER. 


and  doze,  and  fancy  I  seed  a  flock  of  sheep  atakin'  a  split  foi 
it,  over  a'wall,  and  tried  to  count  'em,  one  by  one,  and  couldn  t ; 
and  then  I'd  start  up,  and  tlien  nod  ag'in.  I  felt  it  acomin  all 
over,  in  spite  of  all  1  could  do ;  and,  thinks  1,  it  ain't  so  ever- 
lastin'  long  to  day-light  now ;  I'll  try  it  any  how— I  U  be 
darn'd  if  I  don't — so  heie  goes. 

Just  as  I  shot  my  eyes,  and  made  up  my  mind  for  a  nap,  I 
hears  a  low  moan  and  a  sob  ;  well,  1  -sits  up,  and  listens,  but 
all  was  silent  again.     Nothin'  but  them  etarnal  navls  agoin' 
off,  one  arter  t'other,  like  anything.     Thinks  I  to  myself,  the 
wind's  a  gettin'  up,  I  estimate  ;  it's  as  like  as  not  wo  shall 
have  a  change  o'  the  weather.     Presently  I  heerd  n  light  step 
on  the  entry,  and  the  door  opens  sollly,  and  in  walks  the  wid- 
der's  darter  on  tip  toe,  dressed  in  a  long  white  wrapper,  and 
aRer  peerin'  all  round  to  see  if  I  was  asleep,  she  goes  and  sits 
down  in  the  chimney  corner,  and  picks  up  the  coals  and  fixes 
the  five,  and  sits  alookin'  at  it  for  ever  so  long.     Oh !  so  sad, 
and  so  melancholy ;  it  was  dreadful  to  see  her.     Says  I,  to 
myself,  says  I,  what  on  airth  brings  the  poor  critter  here,  all 
alone,  this  time  o'night;  and  the  air  so  plaguy  cold  too.     I 
guess,  she  thinks  I'll   freeze  to  death  ;   or,  perhaps,  she  s 
walkin'  in  her  sleep.     But  there  she  sot  lookin'  more  like  a 
ghost  than  human— first  she  warmed  one  foot,  and  then  the 
other  ;  and  then  held  her  hands  over  the  coals,  and  moaned 
bitterly.     Dear !  dear!  thinks  I,  that  poor  critter  is  a  freezin 
to  death  as  well  as  me ;  I  do  believe  the  world  is  comin'  to  an 
eend  right  off,  and  we  shall  all  die  of  cold,  and  I  shivered  all 
over.     Presently  she  got  up,  and  I  saw  her  face  part  covered, 
with  her  long  black  hair,  and  the  other  parts  so  white  and  so 
cold,  it  chilled  me  to  look  at  it,  and  her  foot  steps  I  consaited 
sounded  louder,  and  I  cast  my  eyes  down  to  her  feet,  and  I 
actilly  did  fancy  they  looked  froze.     Well,  she  come  near  the 
bed,  and  lookin'  at  me,  stood  for  a  space  without  stirrin  ,  and 
then  she  cried  bitterly.     He,  too,  is  doomed,  said  she ;  he  is 
in  the  sleep  of  death,  and  so  far  from  home,  and  all  his  friends 
too.     Not  yet,  said  I,  you  dear  critter  you,  not  yet,  you  may 
depend  ;— but  you  will  be,  if  you  don't  go  to  bed ;— so  says  I, 
do  for  gracious  sake,  return  to  your  room,  or  you  will  perish 
It's  frozen,  says  she ;  it's  deathly  cold  ;  the  bed  is  a  snow- 
wreath,  and  the  pillow  is  ice,  and  the  coverlM  is  congealed; 
the  chill  ha?  struck  into  my  heart,  and  my  b  ood  has  ceased 
to   flow      I'm  doomed,  I'm   doomed   to   die    and   oh  !  how 
Btran^re,  how  cold  is  death  !     Well,  I  was  a)    struck  up  of  o 


n'  a  split  foi 
and  couldn't ; 
it  p.comin'  all 
ain't  so  ever- 
how— I'll  be 

1  for  a  nap,  I 

id  listens,  but 

nails  agoin' 

0  myself,  the 
not  wo  shall 
■d  n  light  step 
alks  the  wid- 
wrapper,  and 

goes  and  sits 
oals  and  fixes 

Oh !  so  sad, 
'.  Says  I,  to 
rittcr  here,  all 

cold  too.  I 
)erhaps,  she's 
j'  more  like  a 

and  then  the 
,  and  moaned 
;r  is  a  freezin' 
s  comin'  to  an 

I  shivered  all 
5  part  covered, 
a  white  and  so 
>ps  I  consaited 
her  feet,  and  I 
come  near  the 
ut  stirrin',  and 
aid  she ;  he  is 

all  his  friends 
t  yet,  you  may 
id ; — so  says  1, 
'ou  will  perish 
led  is  a  snow- 

1  is  congealed ; 
ood  has  ceased 

and   oh  i  bow 
struck  up  of  0 


THE    SNOW    WREATH. 


77 


•leap,-  I  didn  t  know  what  on  airth  to  do ;  saya  I  to  myself, 
says  1,  here  s  this  poor  gall  in  my  room  carryin'  on  like  ravin' 
dvstracted  mad  in  the  middle  of  the  night  here ;  she's  oneasy 
in  her  m.nd,  and  is  awalkin'  as  sure  as  the  world,  and  hoi 

}  "/^""'t,.,    ^^"'^'  ^  ^^"'^  know-that's  a  fact.     Katey,  says 
1,  dear,  I II  get  up  and  give  you  my  bed  if  you  are  cold,  and 
1 II  go  and  make  up  a  great  rousin'  big  fire,  and  I'll  call  up 
the  o  d  lady,  and  she  will  see  to  you,  and  get  you  a  hot  drink  ; 
somethm  must  be  done,  to  a  sartainty,  for  I  can't  bear  to  heai! 
you  talk  so.     No,  says  she,  not  for  the  world ;  what  will  my 
mother  say    Mr.  Slick?  and  me  here  in   your  room,  and 
nothm  but  this  wrapper  on;  it's  too  late  now  ;  it's  all  over: 
and  with  that  she  fainted,  and  fell  right  across  the  bed.     Oh  » 
how  cold  she  was  !  the  chill  struck  into  me ;  I  feel  it  yet ;  the 
very  thoughts  is  enough  to  give  one  the  ague.     Well,  I'm  a 
modest  man,  squire;  I  was  always  modest  from  a  boy;  but 
there  was  no  time  for  ceremony  now,  for  there  was  a  sufferin' 
dym  critter—so  I  drew  her  in,  and  folded  her  in  my  arms,  in 
hopes  she  would  come  to,  but  death  was  there. 

.vi  ^T^^''^  ^'^  h^r  ^y  lips,  but  life  seemed  extinct,  and 
every  time  I  pressed  her  to  me,  I  shrunk  from  her  till  my 
back  touched  the  cold  gypsum  wall.     It  felt  like  a  tomb,  so 

«?^  k;nH^"'P'n'°  ^°'^r(y°"  h«^«  »o  notion  how  cold  them 
are  kmd  o  wa  Is  are,  they  beat  all  natur')~.squeezed  between 
his  frozen  gall  on  one  side,  and  the  icy  plaster  on  the  other, 
I  felt  as  if  my  own  life  was  aebbin'  away  fast.  Poor  critter  I 
says  1,  has  her  care  of  me  brought  her  to  this  pass  f  I'll 
press  her  to  my  heart  once  more ;  p'r'aps  the  little  heat 'that's 
left  there  may  revive  her,  and  I  can  but  die  a  few  minutes 
sooner.  It  was  a  last  effort,  but  it  succeeded  ;  she  seemed  to 
breathe  again-.!  spoke  to  her,  but  she  couldn't  answer,  tho'  I 
fel  her  tears  flow  fast  on  my  bosom ;  but  I  was  actilly  sinkin' 

XZflT'^'~\  ^^^  ""J  ^""^  approachin'.  Then  came 
reflection,  bitter  and  sad  thoughts  they  were  too,  I  tell  you. 
Dear  dear  !  said  I;  here's  a  pretty  kettle  o'  fish,  ain't  there? 
we  shall  be  both  found  dead  here  in  the  mornin',  and  wha 
will  folks  say  of  this  beautiful  gall,  and  of  one  of  our  free 
and  enlightened  citizens,  found  iu  such  a  scrape  ?  Nothin' 
vvi  be  too  bad  for  'em  that  they  can  lay  their  tongues  to  • 
ha.s  a  fxct;  the  Yankee  villain^he  cheatin' Clockmaker; 

iiean  a  jupe,  so  sharp,  so  deep, 
was  ahuggin'  a  snow  wreath. 


awoke 


fhat  had  sifted  thro'  a   hole  in  the  roSf  on  the 


7* 


bed:  nait 


'  ifi 


78 


THE    CLOCKMAKER. 


had  melted  and  trickled  down  my  breast,  and  pa.-t  had Jtm* 
,o  the  clothes,  and  chilled  me  through.  I  woke  "P.  P^PJJ 
glad  it  was  all  a  dream,  you  may  depend-but  amazm  coW 
Snd  dreadful  stiff,  and  I  was  laid  up  at  this  place  for  three 
weeks  with  the  'cute  rheumatis,— that  s  a  fact. 

But  your  pale  young  friend,  said  I ;  did  you  ever  see  her 
a-rain?  pray,  what  became  of  her?     Would  you  believe  it 
sSd  he ;  the  next  mornin',  when  I  came  down,  there  sot  Katey 
bv  the  fire,  lookin'  as  bloomin'  as  a  rose,  and  as  chipper  as  a 
canary  bird;— the  fact  is,  I  was  so  uncommon  cold,  and  sc 
sleepy  too,  the  night  afore,  that  I  thought  every  body  anj 
everything  looked  cold  and  dismal  too.     Mornm',  sir,  said 
she,  as  I  entered  the  keepin'  room ;  mornin' to  you,  Mr.  Slick , 
how  did  you  sleep  last  night?   I'm  most  afeard  you  found  tha 
are  room  dreadful  cold,  for  little  Biney  opened  the  window  at 
the  head  of  the  bed  ic-  make  the  fire  draw  and  start  the  smoke 
up,  and  forgot  to  shut  it  again,  and  I  guess  it  was  wide  open 
all  night;-!  minded  it  arter  I  got  to  bed,  and  I  thought  1 
should  ha'  died  a  larfin'.     Thank  you,  said  I,  for  that;  bu 
YOU  forget  you  come  and  shot  it  yourself.     Me !  said  she  ,  1 
never  did  no  such  a  thing.     Catch  me  mdeed  agoin  into  a 
gentleman's  chamber ;  no,  indeed,  not  for  the  world !     If 
wasn't  cold,  said  I,  it's  a  pity,-that's  all;  I  was  een  a  most 
frozen  as  stiff  as  a  poker,  and  near  about  frightened  to  death 
too,  for  I  seed  you  or  your  ghost  last  night,  as  plain  as  I  see 
yoi  now  ;  that^s  a  fact.     A  ghost !  said  she ;  how  you  talk  ! 
do  tell.     Why,  how  was  that?     Well,  I  told  her    he  whole 
story  from  beginning  to  eend.     First  she  larfed  ready  to  split 
at  my  account  of  the  cold  room,  and  my  bein'  afeard  to  go  to 
sleep ;  but  then  she  stopt  pretty  short,  I  guess,  and  blushed 
i;ke  anything,  when  I  told  her  about  her  comm'  into  the  cham^ 
ber,  and  looked  proper  frightened,  not  knowm  what  was  to 
come  next;  but  when  she  heerd  of  her  turnin'  first  into  an 
icecicle,  and  then  into  a  snow-drift,  she  haw-hawed  right  ou. 
I  thought  she  actiUy  would  have  gone  into  hysterics.     You 
micrht  have  frozen,  said  she,  in  racl  right  down  earnest,  afore 
I'd^Kone  into  vour  chamber  at  that  time  o  night  to  sce^  art(-r 
vou,  or  your  fire  either,  said  she,  you  may  depend:   i  cant 
think  what  on  airth  could  have  put  that  are  crotchet  .r^io  your 
head      Nor  I  neitbor,  said  I;  and  besides,  said  I  ;k'.4chin 
hold  of  her  hand,  aaJ  drawin'  her  close  to  me,— ".nd  bosidos. 
says  I,— I  shouldn't  have  felt  so  awful  cold  r, -.u,ev,  if  you 
._.     Hold  your  tonmic,  said  she,  you  gonry  y.> ..  t\m  mm 


THE   SIfOW    WREATH. 


79 


n't;  I  won't  hear  another  word  about  it,  and  go  right  off  and 
get  your  breakfast,  for  you  was  sent  for  half  an  hour  ago. 
Arter  bein'  mocked  all  night,  says  I,  by  them  are  icy  lips  of 
your  ghost.  Now  I  see  them  are  pretty  little  sarcy  ones  of 
your'n,  I  think  I  must,  and  I'll  be  darned  if  I  won't  have  a 

.     Well,  I  estimate  you  won't,  then,  said  she,  you  impe. 

donee,— and  she  did  fend  off  like  a  brave  one — that's  a  fact , 
she  made  frill,  shirt  collar,  and  dickey,  fly  like  snow ;  she  was 
as  smart  as  a  fox  trap,  and  as  wicked  as  a  meat  axe; — there 
was  no  gettin'  near  her  no  how.  At  last,  says  she,  if  there 
ain't  mother  acomin',  I  do  declare,  and  my  hair  is  all  spifli- 
cated,  too,  like  a  mop,— and  my  dress  all  rumfoozled,  like 
any  thing, — do,  for  gracious  sake,  set  things  to  right  a  little, 
afore  mother  comes  in,  and  then  cut  and  run :  my  heart  is  in 
my  mouth,  I  declare.  Then  she  sot  down  in  a  chair,  and  put 
both  hands  behind  her  head  a  puttin'  in  her  combs.  Oh  dear, 
said  she,  pretendin'  to  try  to  get  away ;  is  that  what  you  call 
puttin'  things  to  rights  ?  Don't  squeeze  so  hard ;  you'll  choke 
me,  I  vow.  It  tante  me  that's  achokin'  of  you,  says  I,  it's  the 
heart  that's  in  your  mouth.  Oh,  if  it  had  only  been  them 
Jips  instead  of  the  ghost !  Quick,  says  she,  aopenin'  of  the 
door, — I  hear  mother  on  the  s«eps  ;— quick,  be  off;  but  mind 
you  don't  tell  any  one  that  ghost  story ;  people  might  think 
There  was  more  in  it  than  met  the  ear.  Well,  well,  said  I  to 
myself,  for  a  pale  face,  sad,  melancholy  lookin'  gall,  if  you 
hay'n't  turned  out  as  rosy  a  rompin',  larkin',  light-hearted  a 
heifer  as  ever  I  seed  afore,  it's  a  pity.— There's  another  lemon 
left,  squire,  s'pose  we  mix  a  little  more  sourin'  afore  we  turn 
»n,  and  take  another  glass  "  to  the  widder's  darter.*' 


CHAPTER  X. 


THE   TALISMAN. 

It  was  our  intention  to  have  left  Annapolis  this  morning 
after  breakfast,  and  proceeded  to  Digby,  a  small  but  beautiful 
village,  situated  at  the  entrance  of  that  magnificent  sheet  of 
water,  once  known  as  Port  Royal  Bason,  but  lately  by  the 
more  euphonious  appellation  of  the  "  Gut,"  But  Mr.  Slick 
was  missing,  nor  could  any  trace  of  him  be  found  ;  I  there- 
fore  ordered  the  horse  again  to  the  stable,  and  awaited  hi» 


m 


ti:b  clogkmakgr. 


return  with  all  due  patience.  It  was  five  o'clock  in  tUu  after, 
noon  before  he  made  his  appearance.  Sorry  to  keep  you 
awailin',  said  he,  but  I  got  completely  let  in  for  it  this  moni- 
in';  I  put  my  foot  in  it,  you  may  depend.  I've  got  a  grand 
story  to  tell  you,  and  one  that  will  make  you  larf  too,  I  know. 
Where  do  you  think  I've  been  of  all  places  onden  he  sun  1 
Why.  I've  been  to  court ;  that's  a  fact.  I  seed  a  great  crowd 
of  folks  about  the  door,  and  thinks  I,  who's  dead,  and  what's 
to  pay  now  ?     I  think  I'll  just  step  in  for  a  minit  and  see. 

What's  on  the  carpet  to-day?  says  I  to  a  blue  nose;  what's 
goin'  on  here?     Why,  said  he,  they  are  agoin'  for  to  try 
a  Yankee.    What  for?  said  I.    Steelin',  says  he.    A  Yankee, 
says  I  to  myself;  well,  that's  strange  too;  that  beats  me  any- 
how ;  I  never  heerd  tell  of  a  Yankee  bein'  such  a  born  fool  as 
to   steal.     If  the   feller   has  been   such  a   ra,vin'  destracted 
goaey,  I  hopovthey  will  hang  him,  the  varmiat ;  that's  a  fact. 
It's  mostly  them  thick-skulled,  wrong-headed,  cussed  stupid 
fools  the  British  that  do  that  are ;  they  ain't  brought  up  well, 
and    hav'n't  got   no  edication ;    but   our  folks  know  better; 
they've  been  better  larned  than  to  do  the  like  o'  that — Ihey 
can  get  most  any  thing  they  want  by  gettin'  hold  on  the  right 
eend  in  a  bargain;  they  do  manage  beautiful  in  a  trade,  a  slight 
o'  hand,  a  loan,  a  failin',  a  speckelation,  swamp,  thimble-rig, 
or  some  how  or  another  in  the  regular  way  within  the  law ; 
but  as  for  steelin' — never — I  don't   believe  he's  a  Yankee. 
No,  thinks  I,  he  can't  be  American,  bred  and  born,  for  we  are 
too  enlighened  for  that,  by  a  long  chalk.     We  have  a  groat 
respect  for  the  laws,  squire;  we've  been  bred  to  that,  and 
always  uphold  the  dignity  of  the  law.     I  recollect  once  that 
some  of  our  young  citizens  away  above  Montgomery  got  into 
a  flareup  with  a  party  of  boatmen  that  lives  on  the  Mississippi ; 
a  desperate  row  it  was,  too,  and  three  of  the  Kentuckians 
were  killed  as  dead  as  herrins'.     We.i,  they  were  had  up  for 
ii   afore   Judge  Cotton.     He   was  one  of  our  revolutionary 
heroes,  a  starn,  hard-featured  old  man,  quite  a  Cato — and  he 
did  curry  'em  down  with  a  heavy  hand,  you  may  depend ; — 
he  had  no  marcy  on  'em.     There  he  sot  with  his  hat  on, 
a  cigar  in  his  mouth,  his  arms  folded,  and  his  feet  over  the 
rail,  lookin'  as  sour  as  an  onripe  lemon.     Bring  up  them  cul- 
prits, said  he,  and  when  they  were  brought  up  he  told  'em 
it  was  scandalons,  and  only  fit  for   English   and   ignorant 
foreigners  that  sit  on  the  outer  porch  of  darkness,  and  not 
high-minded  mtelligent  Americans.     You  are  a  disgrace,  snid 


THE    TALISMAN. 


81 


he  told  'em 


he,  to  our  great  nation,  and  I  hope  I  shall  never  hear  the  like 
t)f  It  ag  in.  If  I  do,  I'll  put  you  on  trial  as  sure  as  you  are 
Dorn,  1  hope  I  may  be  skinned  ulive  by  wild  cats,  if  I  don't. 
Well,  they  didn't  like  this  kind  o'  talk  at  all,  so  that  night 
away  they  goes  to  the  judge's  house  to  teach  him  a  thing  or 
two,  with  a  cowskin,  nnd  kicked  up  a  deuce  of  a  row;  and 
what  do  you  think  the  neighbours  did?  Why,  they  gist 
walked  in,  seized  the  ringleaders  and  lynched  them  in  less 
than  ten  minits,  on  one  of  the  linden  trees  albre  the  iiidiie's 
door.  •'     ^ 

They  said  the  law  must  be  vindicated— auH  that  courts 
must  be  upheld  by  all  quiet,  orderly  people,  lor  a  terror  to 
evil-doers.  The  law  must  take  its  course.  No,  thinks  I,  he 
cant  be  a  Yankee  ;--if  ho  was,  and  had  a  wanted  the  article, 
he  would  ha'  done  him  out  of  it,  p'r'aps  in  a  trade,  bein'  too 
expeiienced  a  man  of  business  for  him  ;  but  steal  it,  never, 
nevcr~I  don't  believe  it,  I  vow.  Well,  I  walked  into  the 
court-house,  and  there  was  a  great  crowd  of  folks  there,  a 
jabberin'  and  a  talkin'  away  like  any  thing  (for  blue  nose 
needn't  turn  his  back  on  any  one  for  talkin'— the  critter  is  all 
tongue,  like  an  old  horse)— presently  in  come  one  or  two 
young  lawyers,  in  a  dreadful  hurry,  with  great  piles  of  books 
under  their  arms  with  white  leather  covers,  and  great  bundles 
of  papers  tied  with  red  tape,  and  put  'em  down  on  the  table 
afore  'em,  lookin'  very  big  with  thv^  quantity  of  larnin'  they 
carried ;  thinks  I,  young  shavers,  if  you  had  more  of  that  in 
your  heads,  and  less  under  your  arms,  you  would  have  tho 
use  of  your  hands  to  play  with  your  thun>bs,  when  you  haa 
nothin'  to  do.  Then  came  in  one  or  two  old  lawyers,  and  sol 
clown  and  nodded  here  and  there,  to  some  o'  the  upper-crust 
folks  o'  the  county,  and  then  shook  hands  amazin'  hearty  with 
the  young  lawyers,  and  the  young  lawyers  larfed,and  the  old 
ones  larfed,  and  they  all  nodded  their  heads  together  like  o 
flock  of  geese  agoin'  thro'  a  gate. 

Presently  the  sheriff  calls  out  at  the  tip  end  of  his  voice, 
"  Clear  the  way  for  the  judge ;"— and  the  judge  walks  up  to 
the  bench,  lookin'  down  to  his  kei  to  see  he  didn't  tread  on 
other  folks'  toes,  and  put  his  arm  behind  his  back,  and  twirls 
the  tail  of  his  gown  over  it  so,  that  other  folks  mightn't  tread 
on  his'n.  Well,  when  he  gets  to  the  bench,  he  stands  up  as 
I'traight  as  a  liberty  pole,  and  the  lawyers  all  stand  up  straight 
too,  and  clap  their  eyes  on  his  till  he  winks,  and  then  both  on 
rn  slowly  bend  their  bodies  forward  till  they  nearly  touch 


82 


THE    CLOCKMAKKR. 


the  tables  with  their  nosefl.  nn*!  then  thoy  sot  down,  ar.d  the 
iudce  took  a  look  all  ro.aJ,  r.3  ii'  lio  saw  every  tiung  in  gine- 
ral  and  nothin'  in  parukilar  -  1  .ever  seed  anythmfr  so  queer 
afore,  I  vow.  It  puts  me  in  mind  o'  the  Chuiese,  but  they  bcb 
their  loreheads  clean  away  down  to  the  very  Hoor. 

Well,  then,  said  tlu^  crier,  "  Oh  yes !  Oh  yes      IIih  Majes- 
tv's  (I  mean  her  Majesty's)  court  is  now  opened.     Ood  save 
the  knvr  (I  mean  the  Queen.)"     Oh  !  if  ^'V  didn't  larl  it  s 
a  nitv— lor  I've  oDen  ohsarved  it  talu;s  but  a  very  small  joko 
to  make  a  crowd  larf.    Tiiey'll  larfat  nothin'  amost.    S'Icnce, 
said  the  slieriir,  and  all  was  as  still  as  moonlight.     It  looked 
Ktrange  to  me,  you  may  depend,  for  the  lawyers  looked  like 
so  mJny  n.inisters  all  dressed  in  black  gowns  and  white  bands 
on,  only  they  acted  more  like  players  Mian  preachers,  a  plaguy 
sight.     But,  said  I,  is  not  this  the  case  in  your  country ;  is 
there  not  some  sort  of  professional  garb  worn  by  the  bar  of  the 
United  States,  and  do  not  the  ba r ristcrs  and  the  court  exchange 
those  salutations  which  the  common  courtesies  of  life  not  only 
sanction  but  imperatively  require  as  essential  to  the  Ff'^'^rv"- 
tion  of  mutual  resi)cct  and  general  good  breeding?     What  on 
airth,  said  the  Clockmaker,  can  a  black  gound  have  to  do  with 
intelli<rencc?     Them  sort  of  liveries  may  do  in  Europe,  but 
they  don't  convene  to  our  free  and  enlightened  citizens.     It  9 
too  foreign  for  us,  too  unphilosophical,  too  feudal,  and  a  rem- 
nant  o'  the  dark  ages.     No  sir ;  our  lawyers  do  as  they  like. 
Some  on  'em  dress  in  black,  and  some  in  white  ;  some  carry 
walkin-^-sticks,  and  some  umbrallas,  some  whittle  sticks  with 
pon-knfves,  and  some  shave  the  table,  and  some  put  their  legs 
under  the  desks,  and  some  put  'em  a  top  of  them,  just  as  it 
suits  tliem.     They  sit  as  they  please,  dress  as  they  pleasr, 
«nd  talk  as  they  please;  we  are  a  free  people.     I  guess  if  a 
iudffe  in  our  country  was  to  order  the  lawyers  to  appear  all 
dressed  in  black,  they'd  soon  ax  him  who  elerted  h,m  director, 
general  of  fashions,  and  where  he  found  such  arbitrary  power 
in  the  constitution,  as  that,  committed  to  any  man. 

But  I  was  agoin'  to  tell  you  'bout  the  tn^l---Pf  ^•^"t'y  «»'« 
'  the  old  lawyers  got  up,  and  said  he,  My  lord  said  he,  I 
move,  your  lordship,  that  the  prisoner  may  be  brought  up. 
Vnd  if  it  warn't  a  move  it  was  a  pity.  The  lawyer  moved 
ihe  judge,  and  the  judge  moved  the  sheriff,  and  the  shentt 
.«««i^  fC  --nwd.  for  thev  all  moved  out  together,  leavin 
hardly  any  one  on  them,  but  the  judge  and  the  lawyers  ;  and 
:„  „  L,.r  L\r.u.  th»»v  nil  7iioved  back  ag'in  with  a  prisoner 


in  a  few  minits  they  all  moved  back 


THE   TALISMAN* 


83 


n,  aid  tha 

jg  in  gine* 
<r  so  queer 
it  they  bcb 

[lis  Majcs- 
Clod  save 
I't  Itirf  it's 
small  joko 
t.    Silence, 

It  looked 
ookod  like 
vhite  bands 
•g,  a  plaguy 
jountry ;  is 
e  bar  of  the 
rt  exchunge 
ifo  not  only 
ic  prosorvu- 

What  on 
3  to  do  with 
Ruropo,  but 
izens.     It's 
and  a  rem- 
is  they  like, 
some  carry 
sticks  with 
ut  their  legs 
m,  just  as  it 
thoy  pleasr, 
I  guess  if  a 
)  appear  all 
iim  director- 
itrary  power 

rcsentlv  one 
I,  said  he,  I 
broui'ht  up. 
wyer  moved 
I  the  shoritf 
;ther,  leavin 
iwyers  ;  and 
li  a  prisoner 


They  s(?ctned  as  if  they  had  never  aeon  a  pri»ontjr  before. 
When  they  cumo  to  call  the  jury  they  did'nt  all  answer ;  90 
says  the  aherid*  to  me,  walk  in  the  box — you  sir,  with  thu 
blue  cout.  Do  you  indicate  mo,  sir  ?  aaid  I.  Yes,  says  ho, 
I  do ;  walk  in  the  box.  I  give  yon  chanks,  sir,  says  I,  but  I'd 
rather  stand  where  I  be ;  Pvo  no  occasion  to  sit ;  and  bewidt-M, 
I  guess,  1  must  bo  a  movin.'  Walk  in  the  box,  sir,  «»aid  ho, 
and  he  roared  likr  thunder.  And,  says  the  judge,  a  lookin 
lip,  and  sniilin'  and  speakin'  as  soft  aa  if  butter  wouldn't  incll 
in  his  mouth,  you  mugt  walk  in  the  box,  sir.  Well,  snya  I,  to 
oblige  you,  says  I,  m\  'ord,  I  will;  bnt  there  don't  seem  much 
room  in  it  to  walk,  I  vow.  You  are  called  upon,  sir,  says  the 
judge,  as  a  talisman  ;  take  your  seat  in  the  box,  and  bo  silent. 
If  1  must,  says  I,  I  do  suppose  I  must ;  but  I  don't  like  the 
oflicc,  and  I  don't  believe  I've  got  a  nmrker  about  me;  but  if 
you've  are  a  piece  of  chalk  about  you,  or  could  give  mc  or  lend 
mo  an  old  pencil,  I'll  try  to  cipher  it  as  well  as  I  can,  and  do 
my  possibles  to  give  you  satisfaction,  my  lord.  What  are 
you  atalkin'  about,  sir  ?  said  he — what  do  you  mean  by  such 
nonsense?  Why,  says  I,  milord,  I've  been  told  that  in  this 
country,  and  indeed  I  know  it  is  the  practice  almost  all  over 
ourn  for  the  jury  to  chalky  that  is,  every  man  chalks  down  on 
the  wall  his  vote }  one  man  ten  pounds,  one  twenty,  another 
thirty,  and  another  five  pounds,  and  so ;  and  then  they  add 
them  all  up,  and  divide  by  twelve,  and  that  makes  the  vardicl. 
Now  if  I'm  to  be  talyaman  says  I,  and  keep  count,  I'll  chalk 
it  as  straight  as  a  boot-jack.  The  judge  throwed  himself  back 
in  his  chair,  and  turning  to  the  sheriff,  says  he,  is  it  possible, 
Mr.  SherifT,  that  such  an  abominable  practice  as  this  exists  in 
this  country  ?  or  that  people,  under  the  solemn  obligation  of 
an  oath,  can  conduct  themselves  with  so  much  levity  as  ia 
make  their  verdict  depend  upon  chance,  and  not  upon  reason? 
If  I  was  to  know  an  instance  of  the  kind,  said  he,—and  he 
looked  battle,  murder,  and  siidden  death— I'd  both  fine  and 
imprison  the  jury — I  juld,  by  — • —  (and  he  gave  the  cornel 
of  his  mouth  a  twist  just  in  time  to  keep  in  an  oath  that  was 
on  the  tip  of  his  tongue,)  and  ho  hesitated  a  little  to  think  how 
to  get  out  of  the  scrape—at  least  I  consaited  so—by  and  wiih 
he  full  consent  of  my  brethren  on  the  bench. 

1  have  my  suspicions,  said  the  Clockmaker,  that  the  judge 
nad  heerd  tell  of  that  practice  afore,  and  was  only  Waitin'  foi 
a  complaint  to  fake  notice  of  it  regiiar-like,  for  them  old  judgea 
are  as  cunnin'  as  foxes  ;  and  if  he  had,  I  must  say  he  did  dii 


84 


THE   CLOCKMAKER. 


the  surprise  very  well,  for  he  looked  all  struck  up  of  a  heap, 
like  a  vessel  taken  aback  with  a  squall,  agoin'  down  starn 
foremost. 

Who  is  that  man  ?  said  he.  I  am  a  clockmaker,  sir,  said 
1  I  didn't  ask  you  what  you  were,  sir,  says  he,  acolorin'  up, 
I  asked  you  who  you  were.  I'm  Mr.  Samuel  Slick  of  Slick- 
ville,  sir,  anys  I,  a  clockmaker  from  Onion  County,  State  of 
Connecticut,  in  the  United  States  of  America.  You  are  exempt, 
suid  he — you  may  walk  ovt  of  the  box.  Thinks  I  to  myself, 
old  chap,  next  time  you  want  a  talisman  take  one  of  your  own 
folks,  will  you  ?  Well,  when  I  looked  up  to  the  prisoner,  sure 
enough  I  seed  he  was  one  of  our  citizens,  one  "Kxpected 
Thorne,"  of  our  town,  an  endless  villain,  that  had  been  two 
or  three  times  in  the  State's  prison.  The  case  was  a  very 
plain  one.  Captain  Billy  Slocum  produced  a  watch,  which  he 
said  was  his'n ;  he  said  he  went  our  arter  dinner,  leavin'  his 
watch  ahangin'  up  over  the  mantle  piece,  and  when  he 
returned  to  tea  it  was  gone,  and  that  it  was  found  in  Expected 
Thome's  possession.  Long  before  the  evidence  was  gone 
through,  I  seed  he  was  guilty,  the  villain.  There  is  a  sort  of 
freemasonry  in  hippocrasy,  squire,  you  may  depend.  It  has 
its  signs  and  looks  by  which  the  brotherhood  know  each 
other;  and  as  charity  hopeth  all  things,  and  forgiveth  all 
things,  these  appeals  of  the  elect  of  each  other  from  the  lowest 
depths  of  woe,  whether  conveyed  by  the  eye,  the  garb,  or  the 
'  tongue,  are  seldom  made  in  vain. 

Expected  had  seed  too  much  of  the  world,  I  estimate,  not  to 
know  that.  If  he  hadn't  his  go-to-meetin'  dress  and  looks  on 
this  day  to  do  the  jury,  it's  a  pity.  He  had  his  hair  combed 
down  as  straight  as  a  horse's  mane ;  a  little  thin  white  cravat, 
nicely  plaited  and  tied  plain,  garnished  his  neck,  as  a  white 
towel  does  a  dish  of  calves'  head — a  standin'  up  collar  to  his 
coat  gave  it  the  true  cut,  and  the  gilt  buttons  covered  with 
cloth  eschewed  the  gaudy  ornaments  of  sinful,  carnal  man. 
He  looked  as  demure  as  a  harlot  at  a  christenin' — drew  down 
the  corners  of  his  mouth,  so  as  to  contract  the  trumpet  of  his 
nose,  and  give  the  right  base  twang  to  the  voice,  and  turned 
up  the  whites  of  his  eyes,  as  if  he  had  been  in  the  habit  oi 
lookin'  in  upon  the  inner  man  for  self-examination  ana 
reproach.  Oh,  he  looked  like  a  martyr ;  gist  like  a  man  who 
would  suffer  death  for  conscience  sake,  and  forgive  his  enemies 
with  his  dyin'  breath. 

Gentlemen  of  the  jury,  says  Expected,  I  am  a  stranger  ami 


\. 


TUB    'tAf.tSllAN. 


S5 


.  stranger  ami 


a  iojourncr  in  this  Innd,  hut  I  have  mnnv  friends  and  receive 
much  kindness,  thanks  bo  to  divine  Providence  for  all  his 
goodness  to  me  a  sinner;  and  I  don't  make  no  doubt  that  tho' 
I  L-e  a  stranger,  his  lordship's  honor  will,  under  Providence. 
«eti  justice  done  to  me.    The  last  time  I  was  to  Captain  Billy's 
house  I  seed  his  watch,  and  that  it  was  out  of  order,  and 
I  offered  to  clean  it  and  repair  it  for   him  for  nothin',  free 
gratis,  that  I  can't  prove.    But  Pll  tell  you  what  /  can  prove, 
and  Its  a  privilege  for  which  I  desire  to  render  thanksT  tha 
When  that  gentleman,  the  constable,  came  to  me,  and  said  h 
cume  about  the  watch,  Fsald  to  him,  right  out  at  once,  "She's 
cleaned,  says  I,  but  wants  regulatin';  if  Captain  Billy  is  in 
a  hurry  for  her  he  can  have  her,  but  he  had  better  leave  her 
two  or  three  days  to  get  the  right  beat."     And   never  did 
deny  Imvin  it  as  a  guilty  man  would  have  done.     And,  my 
lord,  said  he,  and  gentlemen  of  the  jury  (and  he  turned  up 
his  ug  y  cantm'  mug  full  round  to  the  box)— I  trust  I  know 
too  well  the  awful  account  I  must  one  day  give  of  the  deeds 
done  in  the  flesh  to  peril  my  immortal  soul  for  vain,  idle, 
sinful  toys ;  and  he  held  up  his  hands  together,  and  looked 
tjpwards  till  his  eyes  turned  in  like  them  are  ones  in  a  marble 
statue,  and  his  lips  kept  amovin'  some  time  as  if  he  was  lost 
in  inward  prayer. 

Well,  the  constable  proved  it  word  for  word,  and  the  jud^e 
said  It  did  appear  that  there  was  some  mistake ;  at  all  event'L, 
It  did  not  appear  there  was  evidence  of  a  felonious  takin',  and 
he  was  acquitted.  As  soon  as  it  was  over,  Expected  comes 
to  me  m  the  corner,  and,  says  he,  quite  bold  like,  Morniii', 
felick,  how  do  you  do  ?  And  then  whisperin'  in  my  ear,  says 
he,  Didn  t  I  do  'em  pretty  ?  cuss  'em— that's  all.  Let  dd 
L^onnecticut  alone  yet— she's  too  much  for  any  on  'em,  1 
know.  The  truth  is,  the  moment  I  seed  thnt  cussed  critter, 
that  constable  acomin',  I  seed  his  arrand  with  half  an  eye, 
and  had  that  are  story  ready-iongued  and  grooved  for  him,  as 
quick  as  wmk.  Says  I,  I  wish  they  had  ahanged  you,  with 
an  my  heart,-  it's  such  critters  as  you  that  lower  the  nation^: 
character  of  our  free  and  enlightened  citizens,  and  degrade  n 

in  the^eyes  of  foreigners.    The  eyes  of  foreigners  be  d d  ' 

said  he.  Who  cares  what  they  think  ?---and  as  for  these 
blue  noses,  they  ain't  able  to  think.  They  ain't  got  two  ideas 
WnJ^r  *^/7-^^'-^^^  with  -f hf^  .tupid,  punkin-hcaded,  concaited 
bbckheads  !~cus8  me  if  they  have.  Well,  says  I,  they  ain't 
such  an  enlightened  people  as  we  are,  that's  sartain,  but  that 
o 


m 


THB    OLOGKMAKUH* 


tlon'l  justify  you  a  bit ;  you  luuln't  ought  to  have  stolon  thttt 
watch.     That  was  wrong,  very  wrong  indoed.     You  migh\ 
have  traded  with  him,  and  got  it  for  Imlf  nothiu' ;  or  bought 
it  and  failed,  as  some  of  our  iujportin'  murchants  sew  up  tho 
soll-horned  British ;  or  swapped  it  and  forgot  to  give  the  ex. 
change ;  or  bought  it  and  give  your  note,  and  cut  stick  a(oi;e 
the   note   came  due.     There's  a  thousand  ways  of  doin'  il 
honestly  and  legally,  without  resortin',  as  foreigners  do,  to 
Btcalin'.   We  are  a  moral  people,— a  religious,  a  high-minded 
and  a  high-spirited  people;  and  can  do  any,  and  all  the  na. 
tions  of  the  univarsal  world,  out  of  any  thing,  in  the  hundred 
of  milli"nu  of  clever  shifts  there  are  in  trade ;  but  as  for 
dtualin',  I  despise  it  j  it's  a  low,  blackguard,  dirty,  mean  ac 
tion  ;  and  I  must  say  you're  a  disgrace  to  our  great  nation. 
An  American  citizen  never  stmls,  he  only  gains  the  advan* 
tage! 


CHAPTER  XI. 

ITALIAN   PAINTINGS. 

The  next  morning  we  resumed  our  journey,  and  travelling 
through  the  township  of  Clements,  and  crossing  Moose  and 
Bear  rivers,  reached  Digby  early  in  the  afternoon.  It  was  a 
most  delightful  drive.  When  we  left  Annapolis,  the  log  was 
Blowly  rising  from  the  low  grounds  and  resting  on  the  hills, 
to  iTuthcr  itst'lf  up  for  a  flight  into  upper  air,  disclosing,  as  it 
departed,  ridge  Jiftcr  ndge  of  the  Granville  Mountain,  which 
lay  concealed  in  ita  folds,  and  gradually  revealing  the  broad 
and  beautiful  basin  that  extends  from  the  town  to  Digby. 

I  am  too  old  now  for  romance,  and,  what  is  worse,  I  am 
corpulent.  I  find,  as  1  grow  stout,  I  grow  Icsh  imaginative. 
One  cannot  serve  two  niast(!rs.  I  longed  to  chmb  the  inoMi* 
tain-peak,  to  stand  where  C'hamplain  stood,  and  imagine  tht 
scene  as  it  then  was,  \yhen  his  prophetic  eye  cau/jht  revola. 
tions  of  the  future;  to  vi^it  the  holy  well  where  the  rite  oi 
baptism  was  first  performed  in  these  provinces ;  to  trace  the 
first  encampments,— the  ruins  of  the  rude  fortificationH,--th(! 
first  oattle-ground.  But,  alas  !  the  day  is  gone.  I  must  Icavo 
the  field  to  moic  youthful  competitors.  I  can  gratify  my  eyf 
as  1  drive  along  the  road,  but  I  must  not  venture  into  the  lor- 
est.     The   natural    ice-house,— the   cascade,— the    mountain 


ITALIAN  PAirrrmns. 


87 


l&ico,— tho  iKjnvcr's  dam,— tho  Oonoml's  hridgo,— tho  opocry. 
phul  Hosignol,— -tho  iron-miiK's.—uiid  Inst,  not  lon«f,  tho  Iti. 
dian  unliqiiitics,— in  nhorl,  mvh  iitid  nil  of  tho  lionN  of  thin 
mtdrpsiing  pjacr,  il,„t  ivcpiirf,  hodily  (?x.!rli(.ii  to  bo  Neon,— I 
loiivo  to  8U(;cc(;ding  trnvcllorN.  I  visit  nu-n,  and  not  placrH. 
Ahis!  has  it  rorno  to  this  at  /«/*<,— to  gout  and  port  win*' I 
lU)  it  so:— I  will  asNinn<«  tlu!  privilcgo  of  old  ag.;,  and  talk. 

At  a  short  distanco  from  tho  town  of  Aiuiapolis,  wo  passfd 
Iho  (ourt  Ilouso,  tho  scono  of  Mr.  Hliok's  advinitnn.'s  tixf  pro- 
coding  day,  and  flxnid  a  crowd  of  oonntry  poophi  about  tho 
door.  Mort!  than  a  hundred  horses  w(;r(!  tu-d  to  tho  ll-ncvis  on 
oilJujr  side  of  tho  road,  and  groups  of  idlers  wcvn  Hn<>n  seal, 
hired  about  on  tho  lawn,  oithcfr  discussing  tlio  lust  vordicL  or 
anticipating  tho  jury  in  tho  m^xt. 

I  think,  said  Mr.  Slick,  wo  have  a  right  to  boast  of  thnjus. 
ti.uary  of  our  two  groat  nations ;  for  yourn  is  a  great  nation, 
— that  tj»  a  (act;  and  if  all  your  colonies  woro  joined  togothor 
and  added  on  to  Old  I'lngland,  she  would  bo  most  as  gn-at  u 
rmtiori  as  ourn.  You  have  good  reason  to  bo  proud  of  your 
judiciary,  said  I;  if  profound  learning,  exalted  talent,  and  in- 
nexd)lo  integrity  can  nmkc  an  ostablishrruint  respciftljiblo,  tho 
Supremo  Court  of  tho  United  States  is  pre-eminently  so;  and 
I  havo  heard,  from  those;  who  hnvo  tho  honour  of  their  nc 
(piumtanco,  that  tho  judges  arc  no  loss  distinguishod  for  thoir 
private  worth  than  thc-ir  public  virtues.  I  rnjoicc  that  it  i^  so, 
lor  I  consider  the  justiciary  of  Aj..orica  as  its  sheet-anchor. 
Amidst  tho  incessant  change  of  rnen  and  institutions  so  con- 
npieuous  there,  thi^  forms  a  solitary  excf.ption.  To  tho  per- 
manency  and  (ixtensive  power  of  thi»  court  you  nro  indebted 
for  the  only  check  you  possess,  r;ither  to  popular  ?umult  or 
arbitrary  power,  affording,  as  it  does,  the  only  effectual  means 
of  controlhr.g  the  conflicts  of  fhr;  I(.cal  and  general  govern- 
rncnts,  and  rendering  thc^ir  movements  regular  and  harrno- 
nioiiH. 

It  is  so,  said  ho;  but  your  courts  and  ourn  are  both  tarre 
with  the  same  stick,— /Aey  mtne,  ton  slow.  I  recollect,  once 
was  in  Old  Kentuck,  and  a  judge  was  s<;nt,encin'  a  man  to 
death  Cm  murder :  says  he,  "  Sooner  or  iatr;r,  punishrrK-nt  is 
Rure  to  overtake  the  guilty  man.  The  law  movr^s  slow,  but  it 
5s  sure  and  aartairi.  Jusfico  has  be<!n  represente^i  with  a  heel 
o(  loud,  <rom  its  slow  and  measured  pace;  but  its  hand  is  u 
hand  of  iron,  and  its  blow  is  death."  Folks  said  it  was  a 
reautiful  idea  that,  and  every  chap  that  you  mot  said.  Ain't 


88 


THE   CLOCKMAKER. 


that  splendid? — did  ever  old  Mansfield-or  Ellen  Borough  come 
up  to  that  ? 

Well,  says  1,  they  might  come  up  to  that,  and  not  go  very 
far  neither.  A  funny  sort  o'  figure  of  justice  that ;  when  it's 
so  plaguy  heavy-heeled,  mosc  any  one  can  outrun  it;  and 
when  its  great  iron  fist  strikes  so  uncommon  slow,  a  chap 
that's  any  way  spry  is  e'en  a'most  sure  to  givcjt  the  dodge. 
No  ;  they  ought  to  clap  on  more  steam.  The  French  courts 
are  the  courts  for  me.  I  had  a  case  once  in  Marsailles,  and 
if  the  judge  didn't  turn  it  out  of  hand  ready  hooped  and 
headed  in  less  than  no  time,  it's  a  pity.  But  I  believe  I  must 
first  tell  you  how  1  came  for  to  go  there.  ^     . 

In  the  latter  cend  of  the  year  twenty-eight,  I  think  it  was, 
if  my  memory  sarves  me,  I  was  in  my  little  back  studio  to 
Klickville,  with  off  coat,  apron  on,  and  sleeves  up,  as  busy  as 
a  bee,  abronzin'  and  gildin'  of  a  clock  case,  when  old  Snow, 
the  aigger-help,  popped  in  his  head  in  a  most  a  terrible  of  a 
conflustrigation,  and  says  he,  master,  srys  he,  if  there  ain't 
Massa  Governor  and  the  Gineral  at  the  door,  as  I'm  alive ! 
what  on  airth  shall  I  say  1     Well,  says  I,  they  have  caught 
me  at  a  nonplush,  that's  sarta'.n ;  but  there's  no  help  for  it  as 
I  see, — shew  'em  in.     Mornin',  says  I,  gentlemen,  how  do 
you  do?     I  am  sorry,  says  I,  I  didn't  know  of  this  pleasure 
in  time  to  have  received  you  respectfully.     You  have  taken 
me  at  a  short,  that's  a  fact ;  and  the  worst  of  it  is, — I  can't 
shake  hands  along  with  you  neither,  for  one  hand,  you  see,  is 
all  covered  with  isle,  and  t'other  with  copper  bronze.     Don't 
mention  it,  Mr.  Slick,  said  his  excellency,  I  beg  of  you ;— the 
fine  arts  do  sometimes  require  detergants,  and  there  is  no  help 
for  it.     But  that's  a  most  a  beautiful  thing,  said  he,  you   xre 
adoin' of ;  may  I  presume  to  chatichise  what  it  is?     Why, 
said  I,  governor,  that  landscape  on  the  right,  with  the  great 
white  two-story  house   in  it,  havin'  a  washin'  tub  of  apple 
sarce  on  one  side    and  a  cart  chockfuU  of  punkin  pies  on 
t'other,  with  the  gold  letters  A.  P.  over  it,  is  intended  to  repre- 
sent this  land  of  promise,  our  great  country,  Amerika ;  and 
the  gold  letters  A.  P.  initialise  it  Airthly  Paradise.    Well,  says 
he,  who  is  that  he  one  on  the  left  ?— I  didn't  intend  them  let- 
ters H  and  E  to  indicate  he  at  all,  said  I,  tho'  I  see  now  they 
do ;  I  guess  I  must  alter  that.     That  tall  graceful  figur',  says 
I,  with  wings,  carryin'  a  long  Bowie  knife  '.i\  his  right  hand, 
and  them  small  winged  figures  in  tho  rear,  with  little  rifles, 


ougb  come 

lot  go  very 
;  when  it's 
un  it;  and 
ow,  a  chap 
the  dodge, 
inch  courts 
sailles,  and 
looped  and 
ieve  I  must 

link  it  was, 

k  studio  to 

as  busy  as 

old  Snow, 

jrrible  of  a 

there  ain't 

I'm  alive ! 

ave  caught 

t;lp  for  it  as 

jn,  how  do 

lis  pleasure 

have  taken 

is, — I  can't 

,  you  see,  is 

ize.     Don't 

'  you  ; — the 

'e  is  no  help 

he,  you  'ire 

is?     Why, 

th  the  great 

ub  of  apple 

kin  pies  on 

led  to  rep  re- 

nerika;  and 

Well,  says 

nd  them  let- 

ee  now  they 

figur',  says 

right  hand, 

1  little  rifles, 


ITALIAN    PAINTINGS.  80 

are  angels  emigratin'  from  heaven  to  this  country.     H  and  E 
means  heavinly  emigrants.  I ; 

Its  alle — go — ry. — And  a  beautiful  alle — go — ry  it  ki,  said 
he,  and  well  calculated  to  give  foreigners  a  correct  notion  of 
our  young  growin'  and  great  Republic.  It  is  a  fine  conception 
that.  It  is  worthy  of  West.  How  true  to  life — how  much  it 
conveys — how  many  chords  it  strikes.  It  addresses  the  heart 
— it's  splendid. 

Hallo !  says  I  to  myself,  what's  all  this?  It  made  me  look 
up  at  him.  Thinks  I  to  myself,  you  laid  that  soft  sawder  on 
pretty  thick  anyhow.  I  wonder  whether  you  are  in  rael  right 
down  airnest,  or  whether  you  are  only  arter  a  vote.  Says  he, 
Mr.  Slick,  it  was  on  the  subject  of  pictur's,  we  called.  It's  a 
thing  I'm  enthusiastic  upon  myself;  but  my  official  duties 
leave  me  no  time  to  fraternise  with  the  brush.  I've  been 
actiliy  six  weeks  adoin'  of  a  bunch  of  grapes  on  a  chair,  and 
it's  not  yet  done.  The  department  of  paintin'  in  our  Athe- 
neum, — in  this  risin'  and  flourishin'  tov/n  of  Slickville — is 
placed  under  the  direction  of  the  general  and  myself,  and  we 
propose  detailing  you  to  Italy  to  purchase  some  originals  for 
our  gallery,  seein'  that  you  are  a  native  artist  yourself,  and 
have  more  practical  experience  than  most  of  our  citizens. 
There  is  a  great  aspiration  among  our  free  and  enlightened 
youth  for  perfection,  whether  in  the  arts  or  sciences.  Your 
expenses  will  be  paid,  and  ei^t  dollars  a  day  while  absent  on 
this  diplomacy.  One  thing,  however,  do  pray  remember, — 
dent  bring  any  pictur's  that  will  evoke  a  blush  on  female 
cheeks,  or  cause  vartue  to  stand  afore  'em  with  averted  eyes 
or  indignant  looks.  The  statues  imported  last  year  we  had 
to  clothe,  both  male  and  female,  from  head  to  foot,  for  they 
actiliy  came  stark  naked,  and  were  right  down  ondecent.  One 
of  my  factory  ladies  went  into  fits  on  seein'  'em,  that  lasted 
her  a  good  hour ;  she  took  Jupiter  for  a  rael  human,  and  said 
she  thought  she  ha  '  n^t  into  a  bath  in'  room  among  the  men 
by  mistake.  Her  n..  v^es  received  a  heavy  shock,  poor  critter; 
she  said  she  never  would  forget  what  she  seed  there  the  long- 
est  day  she  lived.  So  none  o'  your  Potiphar's  wives,  or  Su- 
sannahs,  or  sleepin'  Venuses ;  such  pictur's  are  repugnant  to 
the  high  tone  o'  moral  feelin'  in  this  country. 

Oh  Lord !  I  thought  I  should  have  split ;  I  darsn't  look  up, 

for  fear  I  should  abust  out  a  larfin'  in  his  face,  to  hoar  him 

t'llk  so  spooney  about  that  are  factory  gall.     Thinks  I  to 

myself,  how  delicate  she  is,  ain't  she  !   "  If  a  common  marbU." 

8* 


00 


TH£   CLOCKMAHER. 


Statue  threw  her  into  fits,  what  would .     And  here  he 

laughed  so  immoderately  it  was  some  time  before  he  resumed 
intelligibly  his  story. 

Well,  says  he  at'  last,  if  there  ia  one  thing  I  hate  more  nor 
another  it  is  that  cussed  mock  modesty  some  galls  have,  pie- 
tendin'  they  don't  know  nothin'.    It  always  shows  they  know 
too  much.     Now,  says  his  excellency,  a  pictur',  Mr.  Slick, 
may  exhibit  great  skill  and  great  beauty,  and  yet  display  very 
little  flesl^  beyond  the  face  and  the  hands.     You  apprehend 
me,  don't  you  1    A  nod's  as  good  as  a  wink,  says  I,  to  a  blind 
horse ;  if  1  can't  see  thro'  a  ladder,  I  reckon  I'm  not  fit  for 
that    mission ;    and,   says  I,  though  I  say   it   myself,   that 
shouldn't  say  it,  I  must  say,  I  do  account  myself  a  consider- 
able of  a  judge  of  these  matters, — 1  won't  turn  my  back  on 
any  one  in  my  line  in  the  Union.     I  think  so,  said  he,  the 
alle — go — ry  you  jist  show'd  me  displays  taste,  tact,  and  a 
consummate  knowledge  of  the  art.   Without  genius  there  can 
be  no  invention, — no  plot  without  skill,  and  no  character  with- 
out the  power  of  discrimination.     I  should  like  to  associate 
with  you  Ebenezer  Peck,  the  Slickville  Poet,  in  this  diplomatic 
mission,  if  our  funds  authorized  the  exercise  of  this  constitu- 
licnal  power  oi:  the  executive  committee,  for  the  fine  arts  are 
closely  allied,  Mr.  Slick.    Poetry  is  the  music  of  words,  music 
IS  the  poetry  of  sounds,  and  paintin'  is  the  poetry  of  colours ; 
— what  a  sweet,  interestir'  family  they  be,  ain't  they  ?     We 
must  locate,  domesticate,  acclimate,  and  fraternate  them  among 
us.    Conceivin'  an  elective  governor  of  a  froe  and  enlightened 
people  to  rank  before  an  hereditary  prince,  I  have  given  you 
letters  of  introduction  to  the  EyetaVmn  princes  and  the  Pope, 
and  have  offered  to  reciprocate  their  attention  should  they  visit 
Slickville.    Farewell,  my  friend,  farewell,  and  fail  not  to  sus- 
tain the  dignity  of  this  great  and  enlightened  nation  abroad- 
farewell  ! 

A  very  good  man,  the  governor,  and  a  genmoine  patriot  too, 
said  Mr.  Slick.  He  knowed  a  good  deal  about  paintin',  for 
he  was  a  sign  painter  by  trade ;  but  he  often  usee"  'o  wade  out 
too  deep,  and  got  over  his  head  now  and  then  afore  ne  knowed 
it.  He  warn't  the  best  o'  swimmers  neither,  and  sometimes  I 
used  to  be  scared  to  death  for  fear  he'd  go  for  it  afore  he'd 
touch  bottom  ag'in.  Well,  off  I  sot  in  a  vessel  to  Leghorn, 
and  I  laid  out  there  three  thousand  dollars  in  [)icUir'.s.  Hum- 
lookin'  old  cocks  them  saints,  sonic  on  Viti  too,  with  their  long 
beards,  bald  heads,  and  iuu-d  leuiui'^s,  .tuan't  they  ?  but  I  got 


ITALUN    PAINTINGS. 


»! 


\nd  here  he 
he  resumed 

ite  more  nor 
Is  have,  pie- 
s  they  know 
',  Mr.  Slick, 
display  very 
J  apprehend 
1 1,  to  a  blind 
n  not  fit  for 
myself,  that 
f  a  consider- 
my  back  on 
said  he,  the 
,  tact,  and  a 
us  there  can 
aracter  with- 

to  associate 
is  diplomatic 
this  constitu- 
fine  arts  are 
words,  music 
J  of  colours ; 

they  ?  We 
I  them  among 
1  enlightened 
^e  given  you 
nd  the  Pope, 
luld  they  visit 
lil  not  to  sus- 
ion  abroad — 

i€  patriot  too, 
paintin',  for 
:"  'o  wade  out 
re  ne  knowcd 
1  sometimes  1 
it  afore  he'd 
1  to  Leghorn, 
iiir's.  Uunv 
■ith  their  long 
.7  ?  but  I  gol 


a  lot  of  'em  of  all  sizes.  I  bought  two  madonnas  I  thiuir  they 
call  them — beautiful  little  pictur's  they  were  too, — but  the 
child's  legs  were  so  naked  and  ondecent,  that  to  please  the 
governor  and  his  factory  galls,  I  had  an  artist  to  paint  trou 
sers.  and  a  pair  of  lace  Iwots  on  him,  and  they  look  quite 
genteel  now.  It  improved  'em  amazin'ly ;  but  the  best  o'  the 
joke  was  those  Macaroni  rascals,  seein'  me  a  stranger,  thought 
to  do  me  nicely  (most  infarnal  cheats  them  dealers  too, — walk 
right  into  you  albre  you  know  where  you  be.)  The  older  a 
pictur'  was  and  the  more  it  was  blacked,  so  you  couldn't  see 
the  figur's,  the  more  they  axed  for  it  j  and  they'd  talk  vmC 
jabber  away  about  their  Tittyan  tints  and  Guide  airs  by  the 
hour.  How  soft  are  we,  ain't  we?  said  I.  Catch  a  weasel 
asleep,  will  you  1  Second-hand  farniture  don't  suit  our  mar- 
ket. We  want  pictur's,  and  not  things  that  look  a  plaguy 
sight  more  like  the  shutters  of  an  old  smokehouse  than 
paintin's,  and  I  hope  I  may  be  shot  if  I  didn't  get  bran  new 
ones  for  half  the  price  they  asked  for  them  rusty  old  veterans. 
Our  folks  were  well  pleased  with  the  shipment,  and  I  ought  to 
be  too,  for  I  made  a  trifle  in  the  discount  of  fifteen  per  cent 
for  com  in'  down  handsom'  with  the  cash  on  the  spot.  Oui 
Atheneum  is  worth  seein'  I  tell  you ;  you  wont  ditto  it  easy, 
I  know ;  it's  actilly  a  sight  to  behold. 

But  I  was  agoin'  to  tell  you  about  the  French  court.  Arter 
I  closed  the  consarn  about  the  pictur's,  and  shipped  'em  olf 
in  a  Cape  Codder  that  was  there,  I  fell  in  with  some  of  our 
folks  on  their  way  to  London,  where  I  had  to  go  to  afore  I 
returned  home ;  so,  says  I,  s'pose  we  hire  a  vessel  in  Co.  and 
go  by  water  to  Marsailles ;  we'll  get  on  faster  and  considerable 
cheaper  too,  I  calculate,  than  agoin'  by  land.  Well,  we  hired 
an  £yctaliano  to  take  us,  and  he  was  to  find  us  in  bed,  board, 
and  liquor,  and  we  paid  him  one-third  in  advance,  to  enable 
liim  to  do  it  genteel ;  but  the  everlastin'  villain,  as  soon  as  he 
got  us  out  to  sea,  gave  us  no  bed-clothes  and  nothin'  to  cat, 
and  we  almost  perished  with  hunger  and  damp,  so  when  we 
got  to  Marsaille^J.  Mco  friendo,  says  I,  for  I  had  picked  up  a 
little  £^ctalian,  meo  friend  ,-  ^Mmma  longo  alia  courto,  will 
you  ?  and  I  took  him  by  tho  scruff  of  the  neck  and  toated 
him  into  court.  Where  h  de  pappia  ?  says  a  liltls  skip-jack 
of  a  French  judge,  that  was  chock  full  o^  grins  and  grimaces 
like  a  monkey  arter  a  pinch  of  snuff, — where  is  de  pa|)pia  ? 
^0  I  handed  him  up  the  pappia  signed  by  the  master,  and  then 
proved  1j'»w  he  cheated  us.     No  sooner  suid  than  di.>n(',  Mount 


93 


THE   CLOCKMAKBR. 


Sheai  Buh-fiV5g,  gave  the  case  in  our  favour  in  two-twoes, 
said  flj^etaliano  had  got  too  much  already,  cut  him  off  the 
other  two-thirds,  and  made  him  pay  all  costs.  If  he  didn't 
look  bumsquabbled  it's  a  pity.  It  took  the  rust  off  of  him 
pretty  slick,  you  may  depend. 

Begar,  he  says  to  the  skipper,  you  keep  de  bargain  next 
time ;  you  von  very  grand  damne  rogue,  and  he  shook  his 
head  and  grinned  like  a  crocodile,  from  ear  to  ear,  all  mouth 
and  teeth.  You  may  depend,  I  warn't  long  in  Marsailles  arter 
that.  I  cut  stick  and  off,  hot  foot  for  the  channel,  without 
stopping  to  water  the  horses  or  liquor  the  drivers,  for  fear 
£yetaliano  would  walk  into  my  ribs  with  his  stiletto,  for  he 
was  as  savage  as  a  wliite  bear  afore  breakfast.  Yes,  our 
courts  move  too  slow.  It  was  that  ruinated  Expected  Thome. 
The  first  lime  he  was  taken  up  and  sent  to  jail,  he  was  as 
innocent  us  a  child,  but  they  kept  him  there  so  long  afore  his 
trial,  it  broke  iiis  spirits,  and  broke  his  pride, — and  he  came 
out  as  wicked  as  u  dovil.  The  great  secret  is  speedy  justice. 
We  have  ^oo  much  machinery  in  our  courts,  and  I  don't  see 
but  what '  0  prize  juries  beyond  their  rael  valy.  One  half  the 
time  with  us  they  don't  onderstand  a  thing,  and  the  other  half 
they  are  prejudiced.  True,  said  I,  but  they  are  a  great  safe- 
guard to  liberty,  and  indeed  the  only  one  in  all  cases  between 
the  government  and  the  people.  The  executive  can  never 
tyrannize  where  they  cannot  convict,  and  juries  never  lend 
themselves  to  oppression.  Tho'  a  corrupt  minister  may 
appoint  corrupt  judges,  he  can  never  corrupt  a  whole  people. 
Well,  said  he,  far  be  it  from  me  to  say  they  are  no  use, 
because  1  know  and  feel  that  they  are  in  sartain  cases  most 
invaluable,  but  1  mean  to  say  that  they  are  only  a  drag  on 
business,  and  an  expensive  one  too,  one  half  the  time.  1 
want  no  better  tribunal  to  try  me  or  my  cases  than  our 
supreme  judges  to  Washington,  and  all  I  would  ax  is  a 
resarved  right  to  have  a  jury  when  I  call  for  one.  That 
right  I  never  would  yield,  but  that  is  all  I  would  ax.  You 
can  see  how  the  lawyers  valy  each  by  the  way  they  talk  to 
'em.  To  the  court  they  are  as  cool  cucumbers, — dry  argu 
ment,  sound  reasonin',  an  application  to  judgment.  To  the 
jury,  all  fire  and  tow  and  declamations, — all  to  the  passions, 
piejudices,  an'  feelin's.  The  one  they  try  to  convince,  thev 
try  to  do  the  other.  I  never  heerd  tell  of  judges  chalkin'.  J 
know  brother  Josiah  the  lawyer  thinks  so  too.     Says  he  to 


SHAMPOOIirO   THB   ENGLISH.  M 

me,  once,  Sam,  says  he,  they  ain't  suited  to  the  times  now 
in  all  cases,  and  are  only  needed  occasionally.  When  Juries 
Jirst  come  into  vogue  there  were  no  judges,  but  the  devil  of  it 
IS  when  public  opinion  runs  all  one  way,  in  this  country,  you 
iiii^rhf  just  as  well  try  to  swim  up  Niagara  as  to  go  for  to  stem 
It,— It  will  roll  you  over  and  over,  and  squash  you  to  death  at 
last.  You  may  say  what  you  like  here,  Sam,'but  other  folks 
may  do  wh  it  they  like  here  too.  Many  a  man  has  had  a 
goose's  jacket  lined  with  tar  here,  that  he  never  bought  at 
he  tailor's,  and  a  tight  fit  it  is  too,  considerin'  its  made 
without  measurin'.  So  as  I'm  for  Congress  some  day  or 
another,  why,  I  gist  fall  to  and  flatter  the  people  by  chimin'  in 
with  them.     I  get  up  on  a  stump,  or  the  top  of  a  whiskey 

barrel,  and  talk  as  big  as  any  on  'em  about  that  birth-right 

that  sheet  anchor,  that  mainstay,  that  blessed  shield,  thai 
glorious  institution— the  rich  man's  terror,  the  poor  man's 
hope,  the  people's  pride,  the  nation's  glory — Trial  by  Jury. 


CHAPTER  XII. 

SHAMPOOING  THE  ENGLISH. 

BiGBY  is  a  charming  little  town.  It  is  the  Brighton  of  Nova 
Scotia,  the  resort  of  the  valetudinarians  of  New  Brunswick, 
who  take  refuge  here  from  the  unrelenting  fogs,  hopeless  ste- 
rility,  and  calcareous  waters  of  St.  John.  ALout  as  pretty  a 
location  this  for  business,  said  the  Clockmaker,  bs  I  know  on 
in  this  country.  Bigby  is  the  only  safe  harbour  from  Blow- 
medown  to  Briar  Island.  Then  there  is  that  everlastin'  long 
river  runnin'  away  up  from  the  wharves  here  almost  across 
to  Minas  Basin,  bordered  with  dikes  and  interval,  and  backed 
up  by  good  upland.  A  nice,  dry,  pleasant  place  for  a  town, 
with  good  water,  good  air,  and  the  best  herrin'  fishery  in 
America,  but  it  wants  one  thing  to  make  it  go  ahead.  And 
pray  what  is  that  ?  said  I,  for  it  appears  to  me  to  have  every 
natural  advantage  that  can  be  desired.  It  wants  to  be  mado 
a  free  port,  said  he.  They  ought  to  send  a  delegate  lo  Eng. 
land  about  it ;  but  the  fact  is,  they  don't  onderstand  diplomacy 
here,  nor  the  English  either.  They  hav'n't  got  no  talents  that 
way. 


1 


94 


THE   CLOCKMAKBR. 


1 


I  guess  we  may  stump  the  univarse  in  that  line.  Ouf 
statesmen,  I  consait,  do  onderstand  it.  They  go  about  so 
beautifully,  tack  so  well,  sail  so  close  by  the  wind,  make  so 
little  lee-way,  shoot  ahead  so  fast,  draw  so  little  water,  keep 
the  lead  agoin'  constant,  and  a  bright  look-out  a-head  always ; 
it's  very  seldom  you  hear  o'  them  runnin'  aground,  I  tell  you. 
Hardly  any  thing  they  take  in  hand  they  don't  succeed  in. 
How  glib  they  are  in  the  tongue  too !  how  they  do  lay  in  the 
soft  sawder?  They  do  rub  John  Bull  down  so  pretty,  it  does 
one  good  to  see  'em :  they  pat  him  on  the  back,  and  stroke 
liim  on  the  cheek,  and  coax  and  wheedle  and  flatter,  till  they 
get  him  as  good-natured  as  possible.  Then  they  gist  get  what 
they  like  out  of  him ;  not  a  word  of  a  threat  to  him  tho',  for 
they  know  it  won't  do.  Hee'd  as  soon  fight  as  eat  his  dinner, 
and  sooner  too,  but  they  tickle  him,  as  the  boys  at  Cape  Ann 
sarve  the  bladder  fish.  There's  a  fish  comes  ashore  there  at 
ebb  tide,  that  the  boys  calch  and  tickle,  and  the  more  they 
tickle  him  the  more  he  fills  with  wind.  Well,  he  get's  blowed 
up  as  full  as  he  can  hold,  and  then  they  just  turn  him  up  and 
give  him  a  crack  across  the  belly  with  a  stick,  and  ofl'he  goes 
like  a  pop-gun,  and  then  all  the  little  critters  run  hoopin'  and 
hoUowin'  like  ravin'  distracted  mad — so  pleased  with  foolin' 
the  old  fish. 

There  are  no  people  in  the  univarsal  world  so  eloquent  as 
the  Americans ;  they  beat  the  ancients  all  hoUor ;  and  when 
our  diplomatists  go  for  to  talk  it  into  the  British,  they  do  it  so 
pretty,  it's  a  sight  to  behold.  Descended,  they  say,  from  a 
common  stock,  havin'  one  common  language,  and  a  commu- 
ntty  of  interests^  they  cannot  but  hope  for  justice  from  a 
power  distinguished  alike  for  its  honour  and  its  generosity. 
Indebted  to  them  for  the  spirit  of  liberty  they  enjoy, — for  their 
laws,  literature,  and  religion.— ♦liey  feel  more  like  allies  than 
aliens,  and  more  like  relatives  than  either.  Though  unfor- 
tunate occurrences  may  have  drawn  them  asunder,  with  that 
frankness  and  generosity  peculiar  to  a  brave  and  generous 
people,  both  nations  have  now  forgotten  and  forgiven  the  past, 
and  it  is  the  duty  and  interest  of  each  to  cultivate  these  ami- 
cable relations,  now  so  happily  existing,  and  to  draw  closer 
those  bonds  v.'hich  unite  two  people  essentially  the  same  in 
habits  and  feelings.  Though  years  have  rolled  by  since  they 
leit  the  paternal  roof,  and  the  ocean  divides  them,  yet  they 
cannot  but  look  back  at  the  home  beyond  the  waters  with  a 
grateful  remembrance — with  veneration  and  respect. 


Hi! 


Hirl  i 


SHAMPOOING    THE    ENGLISH. 


95 


t  line.  Oui 
go  about  so 
ind,  make  so 
3  water,  keep 
head  always ; 
[id,  I  tell  you. 
t  succeed  in. 
do  lay  in  the 
)retty,  it  does 
:,  and  stroke 
itter,  till  they 
gist  get  what 
him  tho',  for 
at  his  dinner, 
at  Cape  Ann 
shore  there  at 
he  more  they 
!  get's  blowcid 
n  him  up  and 
id  ofl'  he  goes 
n  hoopin'  and 
d  with  foolin' 

5  eloquent  as 
)r ;  and  when 
,  they  do  it  so 
y  say,  from  a 
and  a  commu- 
ustice  from  a 
ts  generosity, 
oy, — for  their 
ke  allies  than 
'hough  unfor- 
der,  with  that 
and  generous 
j;iven  the  past, 
ite  tliese  ami- 
o  draw  closer 
;•  the  same  in 
by  since  they 
lem,  yet  they 
waters  with  a 
pect. 


Now  that's  what  I  call  dictionary,  said  the  Clockmakcr. 
tt*8  splendid  penmanship,  ain't  it  ?  When  John  Adams  was 
mmistei'  at  the  Court  of  St.  Jimes's,  how  his  weak  eye  would 
have  sarved  him  autterin'  off  this  gulbanum,  wouldn't  it? 
He'd  turn  round  to  hide  emotion,  draw  forth  his  handkerchief 
and  wipe  off  a  manly  tear  of  genuujine  feeliu'.  It  is  easy 
enough  to  stand  a  woman's  tears,  for  they  weep  like  children, 
everlastin'  sun  showers ;  they  cry  as  bad  as  if  they  used  a 
chesnut  burr  for  an  eyestone ;  but  to  see  the  tear  drawn  from 
the  starn  natur'  of  man,  startin'  at  the  biddin'  of  generous 
feelin',  there's  no  standin'  that.  Oh  dear  I  how  John  Bull 
swallers  this  soft  sawder,  don't  he?  I  think  I  see  him 
astandin'  with  his  hands  in  his  trousers-pockets,  alookin'  as 
big  as  all  out-doors,  and  as  sour  as  cider  sot  out  in  the  sun  for 
vinegar.  At  first  he  looks  suspicious  and  sulky,  and  then  one 
hauty  frown  relaxes,  and  then  another,  and  so  on,  till  all 
starnness  is  gone,  and  his  whole  face  wears  one  great  benev- 
olent expression,  like  a  full  moon,  till  you  can  eye  him  with- 
out winkin',  and  lookin'  about  as  intelligent  all  the  time  as  a 
skim-milk  cheese.  Arter  his  stare  is  gone,  a  kind  o'  look 
comes  over  his  face  as  if  he  thought,  Well,  now,  this  d— d 
Yankey  sees  his  error  at  last,  and  no  mistake ;  that  comes  o' 
that  good  lickin'  I  give  him  last  war :  there's  nothin'  like 
fightin' things  out.  The  critter  seems  humble  enough  now 
tho' ;  give  me  your  fist,  Jonathan,  my  boy,  says  he ;  don't 
look  so  cussed  dismal :  what  is  it  ? 

Oh,  nothin',  says  our  diplomatist;  a  mere  trifle,  and  he 
tries  to  look  as  onconcarned  as  possible  all  the  time ;  nothin' 
but  what  your  sense  of  justice,  for  which  you  are  always  dis- 
tinguished, will  grant;  a  little  strip  of  land,  half  fog  half  bog, 
dtween  the  State  of  Maine  and  New  Brunswick ;  it's  nothin' 
but  wood,  water,  and  snakes,  and  no  bigger  than  Scotland. 
Take  it,  and  say  no  more  about  it,  says  John ;  I  hope  it  will 
be  accepted  as  a  proof  of  my  regard.  I  don't  think  nothin'  of 
half  a  colony.  And  then  when  our  chap  gets  home  to  the 
President,  doesn't  he  say,  as  Expected  Thorne  did  of  the  Blue- 
nose  jury,  "  Didn't  I  do  him  pretty  ?  cuss  Um,  that's  alV 

Then  he  takes  Mount-Sheer  on  another  tack.  He  desires 
to  express  the  gratitude  of  a  free  and  enlightened  people  to 
Ihe  French, — their  first  ally,  their  dearest  friend, — for  ena- 
bliii'  them  under  Providence,  to  lay  the  foundation -stone  of 
Iheir  country.     They  never  can  forget  how  kindly,  how  di* 


06 


TUB   CLOCKHAXfiR. 


mttrestedly,  they  slept  in  to  aid  their  infant  struggles, — to 
assist  them  to  resist  the  unnatural  tyranny  of  England,  who 
while  aflectin'  to  protect  liberty  abroad,  was  enslavin'  hei 
children  to  home.  Nothin'  but  the  purest  feelin',  unalloyed 
by  any  jealousy  of  England,  dictated  that  step ;  it  emanatcJ 
from  a  virtuous  indignation  at  seein'  the  strong  oppress  tho 
weak,— from  u  love  of  constitutional  freedom,— from  pun 
'  philanthropy.  How  deeply  is  seated  in  American  breasts  a 
veneration  of  the  French  character !  how  they  admire  thoir 
sincerity  ;  their  good  faith  ;  their  stability  I  Well  may  they 
be  called  the  Grand  Nation  !  Religious,  not  bigoted  ;  brave, 
not  rash ;  dignified,  not  volatile ;  great,  yet  not  vain  !  Mag. 
nanimous  in  success,— cheerful  and  resolved  under  reverses, 
—they  form  the  beau  ideal  to  American  youth,  who  are 
taught  in  their  first  lessons,  to  emulate,  and  imitate,  and  vene- 
rate the  virtues  of  their  character!  Don't  it  run  off  the 
tongue  like  oil  ?     Soft  and  slick,  ain't  it  pretty  talk  ? 

Loi'd  I  how  Mount-Sheer  skips,  and  hops,  and  bows,  and 
smirks,  when  he  hears  that  are,  don't  he?  How  he  claps  his 
hand  upon  his  heart,  and  makes  taces  like  a  monkey  that's 
got  a  pain  in  his  side  from  swallowin'  a  nut  without  crackin' 
it.  With  all  other  folks,  but  these  great  powers,  it's  a  very 
different  tune  they  sing.  They  make  short  metre  with  them 
little  powers ;  they  never  take  the  trouble  to  talk  much ;  they 
gist  make  their  demands,  and  ax  them  for  their  answer,  right 
off  the  reel.  If  they  say,  let  us  hear  your  reasons,— Oh,  by 
all  means,  says  onr  H-^lomatist,  just  come  along  with  me ;  and 
he  takes  the  minister  under  his  arm,  walks  lock  and  lock  with 
him  down  to  the  harbour,  claps  him  aboard  a  barge,  and  rows 
him  off  to  one  of  our  little  hundred-gun  sloops  of  wax*.  Pretty 
little  sloop  o'  war,  that  of  ourn,  I  reckon,  ain't  it  ?  says  be 
Oh !  very  pretty,  very  pretty  indeed,  says  foreigner ;  but  if 
that  be  your  little  sloop,  what  murst  be  your  great  big  men  o' 
war  ?  That's  just  what  I  was  agoin'  for  to  say,  says  Jona- 
than, — 'a  Leviathan,  a  Mammoth,  blow  all  creation  to  atoms 
a'most,  like  a  hurricane  tipt  with  lightning,  and  then  he  looks 
up  to  the  captain  and  nods.  Says  he,  Captain,  I  guess  you 
may  run  out  your  guns,  and  he  runs  them  out  as  quick  as 
wink.  These  are  my  reasons,  says  Jonathan,  and  pretty 
strong  arguments,  too,  I  guess ;  that's  what  I  call  showin'  our 

teeth ;  and  now  you,  mister,  with  a  d n  hard  name,  your 

aaswer,  if  you  please.     You  don't  understand  us,  I  see,  for- 


SHAMPOfMNU    THB    ICNOLiSH. 


IW 


struggles, — to 
Bngland,  who 
enslavin'  hei 
lin',  unalloyod 
} i  it  emanattJ 
[ig  oppress  tho 
1,— from  pun 
lean  breasts  a 
y  admire  thoir 
Veil  may  they 
igotcd ;  brave, 
t  vain !  Mag- 
nder  reverses, 
)uth,  who  are 
tate,  and  vene* 
it  run  off  the 
talk? 

md  bows,  and 
w  he  claps  his 
monkey  that's 
ithout  crackin' 
3rs,  it's  a  very 
Btre  with  them 
k  much ;  they 
r  answer,  right 
sons,— 'Oh,  by 
5  with  me ;  and 
i  and  lock  with 
arge,  and  rows 
of  war.  Pretty 
't  it?  says  he 
•eigner;  but  if 
eat  big  men  o' 
ay,  says  Jena* 
ation  to  atoms 
i  then  he  look") 
n,  I  guess  you 
at  as  quick  as 
m,  and  pretty 
:all  showin'  our 
:rd  name,  your 
1  us,  I  see,  for- 


eigner; we  got  chaps  in  our  country  that  can  stand  on  one 
iide  of  the  Mississippi,  and  kill  a  racoon  on  t'other  side  with 
.  a   sneeze,— rigular  ring-tail   roarers}  don't  provoke  ua;  it 
wouldn't  be  over  safe,  I  assure  you.     We  can  out  talk  thun. 
der,  outrun  a  flash  of  lightnin',  and  outreach  all  the  world— we 
can  whip  our  weight  of  wild-cats.     The  British  can  lick  all 
the  world,  and  we  co''  lick  the  British.     I  believe,  I  believe, 
says  he,  and  he  clap^      s  name  to  the  treaty  in  no  time.     We 
made  these  second-cuss  gentry  shell  out  a  considerable  of 
cash,  these  few  years  past,  on  one  excuse  or  another,  and 
frightened  some  on  them,  as  the  naked  statue  did  the  factory 
gall,  mto  fits  a'most.     But  the  English  we  have  to  soft  saw. 
der,  for  they've  got  little  sloops  o^  war,  too,  as  well  as  we 
have ;  and  not  only  show  their  teeth,  but  bite  like  bulUdogs. 
We  shampoo  them,--you  know  what  shampooing  is,  squire, 
don't  you  ?     It  is  an  Eastern  custom,  I  think,  aaid  I :  I  have 
heard  of  it,  but  I  do  not  retain  a  very  distinct  recollection  of 
the  practice.     Well,  said  the  Clockmaker,  I  estimate  I  ought 
to  know  what  it  means  any  how;  for  I  came  plaguy  nigi 
losin'  my  life  by  it  once.     When  I  was  gist  twenty  years  old, 
I  took  it  into  my  head  Td  like  to  go  to  sea,— so  father  got  me 
a  berth  of  supercargo  of  a  whaler  at  New  Bedford,  and  away 
we  went  arter  sperm :  an  amazin'  long  voyage  we  had  of  it 
too— gone  nearly  three  years.     Well,  we  put  into  Sandwich 
Island  for  refreshments ;  and  says  the  captain,  'Spose  we  go 
and   call  on  the  queen  I     So  all  us  cabin  party  went  and 
dressed  ourselves  up  fnll  fig,  and  were  introduced  in  due  form 
to  the  young  queen.    , .  ell,  she  was  a  rael,  right  down,  pretty 
lookin'  heifer,  and  no  mistake ;  well  dressed  and  well  demean* 
ed,  and  a  plaguy  sight  clearer  skin'd  than  some  white  folks— 
for  they  bathe  every  day  a'most.     Where  you'd  see  one  piece 
of  furniture  better  than  her,  you'll  see  fifty  worser  ones,  1 
know. 

What  is  your  father,  Mr.  Shleek?  says  she.  A  prince, 
marrn,  said  I.  And  his'n,  ugly  man's  ?  says  she  pintin'  to  the 
captain.  A  prince  too,  said  I,  and  all  this  party  are  princes ; 
fathers  all  sovereigns  to  home— no  bigger  men  than  them, 
neither  there  nor  any  where  else  in  the  univarsal  world. 
Then,  said  she,  you  all  dine  wid  me  to-day  ;  me  proud  to 
have  de  prinches  to  my  table. 

If  she  didn't  give  us  a  rigular  blow-out,  it's  a  pity,  and  the 
whole  on  us  weie  more  than  half-seas  over ;  for  my  part,  thr 
v 


IMAGE  EVALUATION 
TEST  TARGET  (MT-S) 


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Photographic 

Sciences 

Corporation 


23  V.ESr  MAIN  STREET 

WEBSTER,  N.Y.  14580 

(716)  872-4503 


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«8 


TMfi   0L00KMAKS3IU 


not  mulled  wine  actilly  made  me  feel  like  a  prince,  and  wnat 
put  me  in  tip-top  spirits  was  the  idee  of  the  hoax  I  played  off 
on  her  about  our  bein'  princes ;  and  then  my  rosy  cheeks  and 
youth  pleased  her  fancy,  so  that  she  was  oncommon  civil  to 
me— talked  to  no  one  else  a'most.  Well,  when  we  rose  from 
table,  (for  she  stayed  there  till  the  wine  made  her  eyes  twinkle 
ag'in,)  prince  Shleek,  said  she,  atakin'  o'  my  hand,  and  put* 
tin'  her  saucy  little  mug  clode  up  to  me,  (and  she  raelly  did 
look  pretty,  all  smiles  and  sweetness,)  Prince  Shleek,  will  you 
have  one  shampoo  ?  said  she.  A  shampoo  ?  said  I ;  to  be  sure 
I  will,  and  thank  you  too ;  you  are  gist  the  gall  IM  like  to 
shampoo,  and  I  clapt  my  arms  round  her  neck,  and  gave  hef 
a  buss  that  made  all  ring  ag'in.  What  the  devil  are  you  at  ? 
jaid  the  captain,  and  he  seized  me  round  the  waist  and  lugged 
me  off.  Do  you  want  to  lose  your  head,  you  fool,  you  1  said 
he;  you've  carried  this  joke  too  far  already,  without  this 
rompin*-— go  aboard.  It  was  lucky  for  me  she  had  a  wee  drop 
in  her  eye,  herself— for  arter  the  first  scream,  she  larfed  ready 
to  split :  says  she.  No  kissy,  no  kissy— shampoo  is  shampoo  j 
but  kissy  is  anoder  ting.  The  noise  brought  the  sarvants  in, 
and  says  the  queen,  p'inting  to  me,  "  shampoo  him"— -and 
they  up  with  me,  and  into  another  room,  and  before  I  could 
say  Jack  Robinson,  off  went  my  clothes,  and  I  was  gettin' 
shampoo'd  in  airnest.  It  is  done  by  a  gentle  pressure,  and 
rubbin'  all  over  the  body  with  the  hand  j  it  is  delightful— » 
that's  a  fact,  and  I  was  soon  asleep. 

I  was  pretty  well  corned  that  arternoon,  but  still  I  knew 
what  I  was  about  j  and  recollected  when  I  awoke  the  whisper 
of  the  captain  at  pnrtin'— -"  Mind  your  eye,  Slick,  if  ever  you 
want  to  see  Cape  Cod  ag'in."  So,  airly  next  mornin',  while 
it  was  quite  moony  yet,  I  went  aboard,  and  the  captain  soon 
put  to  sea,  but  not  before  there  came  a  boat*load  of  pigs  and 
two  bullocks  off  to  "  Prince  Shleek."  So  our  diplomatists 
shampoo  the  English,  and  put  'em  to  sleep.  How  beautiful 
they  shampoo'd  them  in  the  fishery  story  1  It  was  agreed  we 
was  to  fish  within  three  leagues  of  the  coast ;  but  then,  says 
Jonathan,  wood  and  water,  you  know,  and  shelter,  when  it 
blows  like  great  guhs,  are  rights  of  hospitality.  You  wouldn't 
refuse  us  a  port  in  a  storm,  would  you  ?  so  noble,  «?o  humane, 
80  liberal,  so  confidin'  as  you  be.  Certainly  not,  says  John 
Bull ;  it  would  be  inhuman  to  refuse  either  shelter,  wood,  or 
watar.    Well  then,  if  there  was  are  a  snug  little  cove  not  set« 


SHAMPOOING    THE   ENGLISH. 


90 


and  wnat 

Ittyed  off 
leeks  and 
n  civil  to 
rose  from 
a  twinkle 
and  put* 
caeliy  did 
,  will  you 

0  be  sure 
d  like  to 
gave  het 
i  you  at  ? 
id  lugged 
ou?  said 
hout  this 
wee  drop 
fed  ready 
ihampoo ; 
rvants  in, 
m"— 'and 
e  I  could 
IS  gettin' 
sure,  and 
ightful— 

1  I  knew 
;  whisper 
ever  you 
in',  while 
tain  soon 
pigs  and 
)lomatist3 

beautiful 
greed  we 
hen,  says 
,  when  it 

wouldn't 

humane, 
lays  John 

wood,  or 
e  not  set* 


lied,  disarted  like,  would  you  have  any  objection  to  our  dryin' 
our  fish  there? — they  might  spile,  you  know,  so  far  from 
nome — a  little  act  of  kindness  like  that  would  bind  us  to  you 
lOr  ever,  and  ever,  and  amen.  Certainly,  says  Jolm,  it's  very 
reasonable  that — you  are  perfectly  welcome — happy  to  oblige 
you.  It  was  all  we  wanted  an  excuse  for  enterin',  and  now 
we  are  in  and  out  when  we  please,  and  smuggle  like  all  ven- 
geance :  got  the  whole  trade  and  the  whole  fishery.  It  was 
splendidly  done,  warn't  it  ? 

Well,  then,  we  did  manage  the  boundary  line  capitally  too. 
We  know  we  hav'n't  got  no  title  to  that  land — it  wasn't  given 
to  V8  by  the  treaty,  and  it  warnH  in  our  possession  when  we 
declared  independence  or  made  peace.  But  our  maxim  is,  it 
is  better  to  get  things  by  treaty  than  by  war ;  it  is  more  Chris- 
tian-like,  and  more  intellectual.  To  gain  that  land,  we  asked 
the  navigation  of  the  St.  Lawrence  and  the  St.  John,  which 
we  knev/  would  never  be  granted ;  but  then  it  gave  us  some- 
thin'  to  concede  on  our  part,  and  brag  on  as  liberal,  and  it  is 
nateral  and  right  for  the  English  to  concede  on  their  side 
somethin'  too— so  they  will  concede  the  disputed  territory. 

Ah,  squire,  said  he,  your  countrymen  may  have  a  good 
heart,  and  I  believe  they  have ;  indeed,  it  would  be  strange  if 
a  full  puss  didn't  make  a  full  heart ;  but  they  have  a  most 
plaguy  poor  head,  that's  a  fact.  This  was  rather  too  bad. 
To  be  first  imposed  upon  and  then  ridiculed,  was  paying 
rather  too  heavy  a  penalty  for  either  negligence  or  ignorance. 
There  was  unhappily  too  much  truth  in  the  remark  for  me  to 
join  in  the  laugh.  If  your  diplomatists,  said  I,  have  in  one  or 
two  instances  been  successful  by  departing  from  the  plain  in- 
telligible path,  and  resorting  to  flattery  and  cunning,  (arts  in 
which  I  regret  to  say  diplomatists  of  all  nations  are  but  too 
apt  to  indulge,)  it  is  a  course  which  carries  its  own  cure ;  and, 
by  raising  suspicion  and  distrust,  will  hereafter  impose  difii- 
culties  in  their  way  even  when  their  objects  are  legitimate  and 
just.  I  should  have  thought  that  the  lesson  read  on  a  cele 
brated  occasion  (which  you  doubtless  remember)  by  Mr.  Can 
ning,  would  have  dictated  the  necessity  of  caution  for  the 
future.  Recollect  that  confidence  once  withdrawn  is  seldom 
restored  again.  You  have,  however,  omitted  to  state  your 
policy  with  Russia.  Oh !  said  he.  Old  Nick  in  the  North  ia 
carved  in  the  same  way. 

Excuse  me,  said  I,  (for  I  felt  piqued,)  but  if  you  will  per* 


100 


THE   CLOCKMAKER. 


I 


mit  me  I  will  suggest  some  observations  to  you  relative  to 
Russia  that  may    not  have  occurred   to  you.     Your  diplo* 
mutists  might  address  the  Emperor  thus :    May  it  please  your 
Majesty,  there  is  an  astonishing  resemblance  between  our  two 
countries;   in  fact  there  is   little  or  no  difference  except  in 
name, — the  same  cast  of  countenance,  same  family-likeriess 
same  Tartar  propensity  to  change  abode.     All  extremes  meet. 
You  take  off"  folk's  heads  without  law,  so  dc  our  mobs.     You 
send  fellows  to  Siberia,  our  mobs  send  them  to  the  devil.    No 
power  on  airth  can  restrain  you,  no  power  on  airth  can  restrain 
our  mobs.     You  make  laws  and  break  'em  as  suits  your  con- 
venience, so  do  our  lynchers.     You  don't  allow  any  one  to 
sport  opinions  you  don't  hold,  or  you  stifle  them  and  their 
opinions  too.     It's  just  so  with  us ;  our  folks  forbid  all  talking 
about  niggers ;  and  if  a  man  forgets  himself,  he  is  reminded 
of  it  by  his  head  supporting  his  body  instead  of  his  heels. 
You  have  got  a  liquorish  mouth  for  fartile  lands  beyond  your 
borders,  so  have  we ;  and  yet  both  have  got  more  land  than 
tenants.     You  foment  troubles  among  your  neighbours,  and 
then  step  in  to  keep  the  peace,  and  hold  possession  when  you 
get  there,  so  do  we.     You  are  a  great  slave  holder,  so  are  we. 
Folks  accuse  you  of  stealin'  Poland,  the  same  libellin'  villains 
accuse  us  of  stealin'  Texas,  and  a  desire  to  have  Canada  too ; 
and  yet  the  one  is  as  much  without  foundation  as  the  other. 
You  plant  colonies  in  Tartar  lands,  and  then  drive  out  the 
owners:   we  sarve  the  Indians  the  same  way.     You  have 
extarminated  some  of  your  enemies,  we've  extarminated  some 
of  ourn.     Some  folks  say  your  empire  will  split  to  pieces — 
it's  too  big ;  the  identical  same  prophecy  they  make  of  us, 
and  one  is  just  as  likely  as  the  other.     Every  man  in  Russia 
must  bow  to  the  pictur'  of  his  Em[)eror ;  every  man  must  bow 
to  the  pictur'  of  our  great  nation,  and  swear  through  thick 
and  thin  he  admires  it  more  nor  any  thing  on  the  face  of  the 
airth.     Every  man  in  Russia  may  say  v*'hat  he  likes  if  he 
dare,  so  he  may  in  the  17-nited  States.     If  foreign  newspapers 
abusin'  Polish  matters  get  into  the  Russia  mail,  the  mail  is 
broken  open  and  they  are  taken  out :  if  abolition  papers  get 
mto  the  Southern  mall,  our  folks  break  open  the  bags  and 
burn  'em,  as  they  did  at  Charleston.     The  law  institutes  no 
mquiries  in    your  dominions  as  to  your  acts  of  execution, 
spoliation,  and  exile;  neither  is  there  any  inquest  with  us  on 
similar  acts  of  our  mobs.    There  is  no  freedom  of  *he  press 


liil 


relative  to 
Your  diplo- 
please  your 
een  our  two 
6  except  ill 
iiy-likeriess 
remes  meet, 
nobs.  You 
!  devil.  No 
can  restrain 
s  your  con- 
any  one  to 
n  and  their 
1  all  talking 
is  reminded 
f  his  heels. 
)eyond  your 
e  land  than 
hbours,  and 
n  when  you 
•,  so  are  we. 
illin'  villains 
!I!anada  too ; 
IS  the  other, 
rive  out  the 
You  have 
linated  some 
to  pieces — 
Tiake  of  us, 
m  in  Russia 
in  must  bow 
rough  thick 
1  face  of  the 
!  likes  if  he 
i  newspapers 
the  mail  is 
1  papers  get 
le  bags  and 
institutes  no 
f  execution, 
t  with  us  on 
of  *he  press 


PUTTING   A   FOOT    IK    IT. 


101 


with  you,  neither  is  there  with  us.     If  a  paper  offends  you, 
you  stop  it:  if  it  offends  our  sovereigns,  tliey   break  the 
machmery,  gut  the  house,  and  throw  the    types    into  the 
street;  and  if  the  printer  escapes,  he  may  thank  God  for 
givmg  him  a  good  pair  of  legs.     In  short,  they  may  say  to 
him— It's  generally  allowed  the  freedom  of  one  country  is  as 
like  the  despotism  of  the  other  as  two  peas— no  soul  could 
tell  the  difference ;  and  therefore  there  ought  to  be  an  actual  as 
there  is  a  natural  alliance  between  us.     And  then  the  cunnin* 
critters,  if  they  catch  him  alone  where  they  won't  be  over- 
heard,  they  may  soft  sawder  him,  by  tellin'  him  they  kiever 
knew  before  the  blessin'  of  havin'  only  one  tyrant  instead  of 
a  thousand,  and  that  it  is  an  amendment  they  intend  to  pro- 
pose to  the  constitution  when  they   return  home,  and  hope 
they  11  yet  live  to  see  it.     From  this  specimen,  you  may  easily 
perceive  that  it  requires  no  great  penetration  or  ability  to 
deceive  even  an  acute  observer  whenever  recourse  is  had  to 
imagination  for  the  facts.     How  ^ar  this  parallel  holds  good 
I  leave  you  to  judge ;  I  desire  lo  offer  you  no  offence,  but 
I  wish  you  to  understand  that  all  the  world  are  not  in  love 
with  your  republican  institutions  or  your  people,  and  that  both 
are  better  understood  than  you  seem  to  suppose.     Well,  well, 
says  he,  I  did'nt  mean  to  ryle  you,  I  do  assure  you ;  but  if 
you  havn't  made  a  good  story  out  of  a  Southern  mob  or  two, 
neither  of  which  are  half  as  bad  as  your  Bristol  riot  or  Irish 
''■^yfj  »;*s  a  pity.     Arter  all,  said  he,  I  don't  know  whether  it 
jvouldn't  comport  more  with  our  dignity  to  go  straight  ahead. 
I  believe  it  is  in  politics  as  in  other  matters,  hottesty  is  the  best 
policy 


CHAPTER  XIII. 
PUTTING  A  FOOT  IN  IT. 


One  amusing  trait  in  the  C'ockmaker's  character,  was  his 
love  of  contradiction.  If  you  suggested  any  objection  to  the 
American  government,  he  immediately  put  himself  on  the 
defensive;  and  if  hard  pressed,  extricated  himself  by  chang- 
ing the  topic.  At  the  same  time  he  would  seldom  allow  me 
fc  pass  a  eulogy  upon  it  without  affecting  to  consider  the 
!)raise  as  misapplied,  and  as  another  instance  of  "  our  not 
9* 


103 


THE   CLOC^MAKRR. 


r 


mderstanding  them."  In  the  course  of  our  conversation,  I 
happened  to  observe  that  the  American  government  was  cer* 
tainly  a  very  cheap  one;  and  that  the  economy  practised 
in  the  expenditure  of  the  public  revenue,  though  in  some 
instances  carried  so  far  as  to  border  on  meanness,  was  cer- 
tainly a  very  just  subject  of  national  pride.  Ah,  said  he, 
always  said,  "  you  don't  understand  us."  Now  it  happens 
that  that  is  one  of  the  few  things,  if  you  were  only  availed 
of  it,  thaC  you  could  fault  us  in.  ft  is  about  the  most  costly 
government  in  the  world,  considering  our  means.  We  are 
actilly  eat  up  by  it— it  is  a  most  plpguy  sore,  and  has  spread 
so  like  statiee  that  it  has  got  its  root  into  the  very  core. 
Cheap  government ! — well,  come  that  beats  all !  I 

I  should  like  to  know,  said  Ij  how  you  can  make  that 
appear,  for  the  salaries  paid  to  your  public  officers  are  not 
only  small,  but  absolutely  mean ;  anc*,  in  my  opinion,  wholly 
madequare  to  procure  the  services  of  the  best  and  most 
efficient  men.  Well,  said  he,  which  costs  most,  to  keep  one 
good  horse  well,  or  half  a  dozen  poor  ones  ill,  or  to  keep  ten 
rael  complete  good  servants,  or  fifty  lazy,  idle,  do-nothin' 
critters  ?  because  that's  gist  our  case, — we  have  too  many  of 
email  together.  We  have  twenty.four  independent  states, 
beside  the  general  government ;  we  have  therefore  twenty.five 
presidents,  twenty.five  secretaries  of  state,  twenty-five  trea- 
surers, twenty-five  senates,  twenty-five  houses  of  representa- 
tives, and  fifty  attorney  generals,  and  all  our  legislators  are 
paid,  every  soul  of  'em ;  and  so  are  our  magistrates,  for  they 
all  take  fees  and  seek  the  office  for  pay,  so  that  we  have  as 
many  paid  legislators  as  soldiers,  and  as  many  judges  of  all 
sorts  and  sizes  as  sailors  in  our  navy.  Put  all  these  expenses 
together,  of  slate  government  and  general  government,  and 
see  what  an  awful  sum  it  comes  to,  and  then  tell  me  it's  a 
cheap  government.  True,  said  I,  but  you  have  not  that  enor- 
mous Item  of  expenditure  known  in  England  under  the  name 
of  half  pay.  We  have  more  officers  of  the  navy  on  half  pay 
than  you  have  in  your  navy  altogether.  So  much  the  better 
for  you,  says  he,  for  ourn  are  all  on  full  pay,  and  when  they 
ain't  employed,  we  set  them  down  as  absent  on  leave. 
Which  costs  the  most  do  you  suppose?  That  conies  of  not 
calhn'  things  by  their  right  names,  you  see.  Our  folks  know 
this,  but  our  popularity-seekin'  patriots  have  all  their  own 
interest  m  multiplying  these  offices  ;  yes,  our  folks  have  pul 


snversation,  I 
nent  was  cer^ 
)my  practised 
jgh  in  some 
ess,  was  ctr* 
Lh,  said  he, 
>w  it  happens 
only  availed 
e  most  costly 
ns.  We  are 
d  has  spread 
e  very  core. 

in  make  that 
licers  are  not 
inion,  wholly 
st  and  most 
:,  to  keep  one 
tr  to  keep  ten 
le,  do-nothin' 
too  many  of 
indent  states, 
•e  twenty-five 
nty-five  trea- 
»f  rcpresenta- 
igislators  are 
ates,  for  they 
it  we  have  as 
judges  of  all 
hese  expenses 
ernment,  and 
ell  me  it's  a 
lot  that  enor- 
ider  the  name 
'  on  half  pay 
ich  the  better 
nd  when  they 
It  on  leave, 
conies  of  not 
ir  folks  know 
ill  their  own 
)lks  have  put 


PUTTIlfO   A   yoOT   in  IT.  109 

thel*  f x)t  in  it,  that;8  a  Act.  They  clin^  to  it  as  Ihe  baar  did 
to  Jack  Fogler;s  milUsaw ;  and  I  guess  it  will  sarve  them  the 
same  way.  Did  I  never  tell  you  that  are  story  ?  for  Vm  most 
afeard  sometimes  I've  got  father's  fashion  of  tellin'  my  stories 
over  twice.  No  sa  d  1,  it's  new  to  me ;  I  have  never  heaTd 
It.     WeU,  says  he,  I  will  tell  you  how  it  was. 

Jack  Fogler  lives  to  Nictau-road,  and  he  keeps  a  saw-mill 
and  tavern;  hes  a  sneezer  that  feller;  he's  near  hand  to 
seven  feet  high,  with  shoulders  as  broad  as  a  barn-door;  he 
IS  a  giant,  that  s  a  fact,  and  can  twitch  a  milMog  os  easy  as  a 
yoke  of  oxen  can— nothin'  never  stops  him.     But  that's  not 
all,  for  I  ve  seen  a  man  as  big  as  all  ouUdoors  afore  him  ;  but 
fL      tJ^°«  '^^.-  ^?  ^'trl^^ks  call  him  the  man  with  the 
foot.     The  first  time  I  seed  him  I  could  not  keep  my  eyes  off 
of  it.     I  actilly  could  not  think  of  any  thing  else.     Well, 
says  I  Jack,  your  foot  is  a  whopper,  that's  a  fact;  I  never 
seed  the  beat  of  it  in  all  my  born  days,-  -it  beats  Gasper 
Zwicher  s  all  holler,  and  his  is  so  big,  folks  say  he  has  to 
haul  his  trousers  on  over  his  head.     Yes,  says  he,  lawyer 
Yule  says  it  passes  all  vnderstandin\     Well,  he  has  a  darter 
most  as  big  as  he  is,  but  for  all  that  she  is  near  about  as 
pre  ty  a  gall  as  I  ever  laid  eyes  on,  but  she  has  her  father's 
loot ;  and,  poor  thing,  she  can't  bear  to  hear  tell  of  it.     I 
mind  once  when  I  came  there,  there  was  no  one  to  home,  and 
I  had  to  see  to  old  Clay  myself;  and  arter  I  had  done,  I  went 
m  and  sot  down  by  the  fire,  and  lighted  a  cigar.     Arter  a 
while,  m  come  Lucy,  lookin'  pretty   tired.     Why,  said  L 
Lucy,  dear,  where  on  airth  have  you  been  ?  you  look  pretty 
well  beat  out.     Why,  says  she,  the  bears  are  plaguy  thick 
his  while  past,  and  have  killed  some  of  our  sheep,  lo  I  went 
to  the  woods  to  drive  the  flock  home  ag'in  night-fall,  and  fogs! 
r  lost  my  way.     IVe  been  gone  ever  so  long,  and  I  don't 
knovv  as  I  d  ever  afound  my  way  out  ag'in,  if  I  hadn't  a  met 
Bill  Zmk  a  ookin^  up  his  sheep,  and  he  showed  me  the  way  out. 
Thinks  I  to  myself,  let  the  galls  alone  for  an  excuse;  I  see 
how  the  cat  jumps.     Well,  says  I,  Lucy,  you  are  about  the 
luckiest  gal   I  ever  seed.     Possible,  says  she;-.how's  that? 
Why,  says  I  many's  the  gall  I've  known  that's  lost  her  way 
with  a  sweetheart  afore  now,  and  got  on  the  wrong  track  ;  but 
you  re  the  first  one  ever  I  seed  that  got  put  on  the  right  way 
by  one,  any  how.     Well,  she  larfed,  and  says  she,  you  men 
always  s,.sjK.ct  evil ;  it  shows  how  bad  vou   must  be  vour- 


m 


THE   CLOCKMAKER. 


h 


I 


'I 


selves.  Perhaps  it  may  be  so,  says  Idbut  mind  yotq^ye,  and 
take  care  you  don't  put  your  foi^  *'>4'*  ^^^  IboKed  at'  me  the 
matter  of  a  minnit  or  so  without  layin*  a^word,*and  then 
burst  out  acryin*.  She  said,  if  she  liad  such  an  awful  big 
foot,  it  warnH  her  fault,  and  k  was  veu|ftnl(ind  to  larf  at  it  to 
her  face — that  wuy.  Well,';  fell  pro^^sorry  too,  you  may 
depend,  for  I  vow  she  W^  ^  \>nmhpwbn  handsom'  I  had 
never  noticed  that  Ug  ftH^Tpf  l^m  tiUnl^n.  I  had  hardly  got 
her  pacified  when  In  oboie  Jaclc^  wi|i|r.  tVtro  halves  of  a  bear, 
and  threw  *em  dowji  ov^  tne  floor,.€nBjffrfed  ready  to  kill  him 
self.  I  never  §eed  thabeat  o'  th^^'j^^he,  since  I  was  raised 
from  a  seedlin'.  Ii,never  see  a  fellai^jtoo  taken  in  all  my  life— 
that's  a  fact."  Why,  says  I,  y^^i  Ss  it  ?  It  was  some  time 
afore  he  co»ld  speak  ag'in  for  nlfliVif-for  Jack  was  consider- 
able m  the  wind,  pretty  nearly  h^ff sluived.  At  last,  says  he, 
you  know«piy  failin',  Mr.  Slick  f  I  K)(^  a  drop  of  grog  better 
than  it  lififea  me.  Well,  when  tne  Jast  rain  came,  and  the 
brook  wai|  pretty  considerable  full,  I?KagM  for  a  month,  (that 
is,  said  the  Clockmaker,  he  had  taken  an  *oath  to  abstain  from 
drawing  liquor  from  the  keg — they  calls  it  kaggin',)  and  my 
kag  was  out  to-day  at  twelve  o'clock.  Wetl,  I  had  just  got  a 
log  on  the  ways  when  the  sun  was  on  the  twelve  o'clock  line, 
so  I  stops  the  mill  and  takes  out  my  dinner,  ^d  sets  it  down 
on  the  log,  and  then  runs  up  to  the  house  to  j|^aw  off  a  bottle 
of  rum.  W|b|^  I  returned,  and  was  just  al^ut  to  eii>cr  the 
mill,  what  shmfld  I  see  but  that  are  bear  a  'sittin!  on  the  pine 
stick  in  the  mill  aetin'  of  my  dinner,  so  I  gist  backs  out,  takes 
a  good  swig  out  of  the  bottle,  and  lays  it  down  to  run  off  homo 
for  the  gun,  when,  says  I  to  myself,  says  I,  htHiX  Imeike  a 
plaguy  sight  shorter  work  of  that  are  dinner  than  I  would, 
and  when  he's  done  he'll  not  wait  to  wipe  his  mouth  with  the 
towel  neither.  May  be  he'll  be  gone  afore  I  gets  back,  so  I 
gist  crawls  under  the  mill — pokes  up  a  stick  through  the  j'ico 
and  starts  the  plug,  and  sets  the  mill  agoin'.  Well  the  motion 
was  so  easy,  and  he  was  so  busy,  he  never  moves,  and  arter 
a  little  the  saw  just  gives  him  a  scratch  on  the  back ;  well,  he 
growls  and  shoves  forward  abit  on  his  rump ;  presqptly  it 
gives  him  another  scratch,  with  that  he  wheels  short  round 
and  lays  right  hold  of  it,  and  gives  it  a  most  devil  of  a  hug 
with  his  paws,  and  afore  he  knowed  what  he  was  about  it 
pinned  him  down  and  sawed  him  right  in  two,  he  squelin'  and 
kickin'  and  singin'  out  like  a  good  feller  the  whole  blessed 
t'me      Thinks  T,  he  put  his  foot  in  it  that  feller,  any  how. 


f> 


■V 


^  PUTTIfffO    A    rOOT    IN    IT.  lOfi 

1f  #C/«i  fdks  have  puf  their  foot  in  it ;  a  cheap  article  ain't 
always  t(iQ  best ;  if  you  want  a  rael  right  down  first  chop 
genimtne  tWihf^.yhu  mtf^t  pay  for  it.     Talent  and  integrity 
am  t  such  comnnon  thing^  any  where,  that  they  are  to  be  had 
(or  half  nothin'.   '^maa  ^hat  "has  them  two  things  can  go 


Iw^ 


Q-head  any  where, 
consarns  to  see  arter 
'he  fair  market  pric. 
legrity  in  his  pocket, 
loses  one  way  he  ma 
his  pay,  he  takes  it 
somethin'  or  another. 

no  more  than  they  will  eqp|4Ker  free-gratis:*  An  honest  man 

it\M;ot  {.support  him  properly,  but  a  dis- 


:ftc^  offtti^^iic.  and  don't  give  him 

eta,  haisjjTaguJ  apt  to  put  his  in- 

i^Mt  hiT  talents  to  usury.     What  he 

""up  another:  If  he 'can't  get  it  out  of 

,9»of  parquesitS,  jobs, ^patronage,  or 

ipSfe  won't  sarve  the  pifblic  for  nothin' 

i"    -  **  "      "  ... 

won't  take  office,  if  i.  ._ 

honest  one  will  'cause  fc  won'tstand  about  trifles,  but  goes 
the  whole  figur'— and^whkre  you  have  a  good  many  critters, 
as  public  sarvants— wl^,  a  little  slip  of  the  pen  qr^rip  of  the 
foot,  ain't  thought  notMh'  of,  and  the  . ..    i   -  . 


.,„kt .  K  :  -cu  -r  r  "^  '"  ..  '""'— *^uss  mm, «  sarves  him 
light,  but  if  It  IS  done  so  slick  that  you  caobbardly  see  it 
even  when  it  sJone.  afore  your  eyes,  people  g^,  a  fine  bold 
stroke  that— splendid  business  talent,  that  man— considerable 
powers— a  risin'  character— eend  by  bein'  a  great  man  in  the 
long  run.  •'        ,      e 

You  r«mlle.t  the  story  of  the  quaker  and  his  insurance, 
don  t  you  T  He  had  a  vessel  to  sea  that  he  hadn't  heerd  of 
lor  a  considerable  time,  and  he  was  most  plaguyly  afeerd  she 
had  gone  for  it;  so  he  sent  an  order  to  his  broker  to  insure 
her.    Well,  next  day  he  larnt  for  sartain  that  she  was  lost,  so 
what  does  he  do  but  writes  to  his  broker  as  if  he  meant  to 
save  the  premium  by  recalHn'  the  order:  If  thee  hast  not  in- 
8ure*,,thee  need'st  not  do  it,  esteemed  friend,  for  I  have  heerd 
ot  the  vessel.   The  broker,  thinkin'  it  would  be  all  clear  gain, 
[alls  right  into  the  trap;  tells  him  his  letter  came  too  late!  foi 
h?  had  effected  the  insurance  half  an  hour  afore  it  arrived. 
Verily,  I  am  sorry  for  thee,  friend,  said  the  quaker,  if  that  be 
the  case,  for  a  heavy  loss  will  fall  on  thee;  of  a  sartainty  I 
have  heerd  of  the  vessel,  but  she  is  lost.    Now  that  was  whal 
call  handsom  ;  it  showed  great  talents  that,  and  a  know 
ledge  Df  human  natur'  and  soft  sawder. 


106 


THB   GLOOKMAKER. 


I  thought,  said  I,  that  your  annual  parliaments,  universal 
suffrage,  and  system  of  rotation  of  office,  had  a  tendency  to 
prevent  corruption,  by  removing  the  means  and  the  opportu* 
nity  to  any  extent.  Well,  it  would,  perhaps,  to  a  certain 
point,  said  the  Clockmaker,  if  you  knew  where  that  point 
was,  and  could  stop  there  j  but  wherever  it  is,  I  am  afeerd  we 
have  passed  it.  Annual  parliaments  bring  in  so  many  raw 
hands  every  year,  that  they  are  gist  like  pawns  in  the  game 
of  chess,  only  fit  for  tools  to  move  aljout  and  count  while  the 
game  is  played  by  the  bigger  ones.  They  get  so  puzzled — 
the  critters,  with  the  forms  o'  the  house,  that  they  put  me  in 
mind  of  a  feller  standin'  up  for  the  first  time  in  a  quadrille. 
One  tells  him  to  cross  over  here,  and  afore  he  gets  there  an< 
other  calls  him  back  agMn ;  one  pushes  him  to  the  right  and 
another  to  the  left ;  he  runs  ag'in  every  body,  and  every  body 
runs  ag'in  him ;  he  treads  on  the  heels  of  the  galls  and  takes 
their  skin  and  their  shoes  off,  and  they  tread  on  his  toes,  and 
return  the  compliment  to  his  corns ;  he  is  no  good  in  natur', 
except  to  bother  folks  and  put  them  out.  The  old  hands  that 
have  been  there  afore,  and  cut  their  eye-teeth,  know  how  to 
bam  these  critters,  and  make  'em  believe  the  moon  is  made 
of  green  cheese.  That  gives  great  power  to  the  master 
movers,  and  they  are  enabled  to  spikelate  handsum  in  land 
stock,  bank  stock,  or  any  other  corporate  stock,  for  they  can 
raise  or  depress  the  article  gist  as  they  please  by  legislative 
action. 

There  was  a  grand  legislative  speck  made  not  long  since, 
called  the  preemption  speck.  A  law  was  passed,  that  all 
who  had  settled  on  government  lands  without  title,  should 
have  a  right  of  preemption  at  a  very  reduced  price,  below 
common  upset  sum,  if  application  was  made  on  a  particular 
day.  The  jobbers  watched  the  law  very  sharp,  and  the  mo. 
ment  it  passed,  off  they  sot  with  their  gangs  of  men  and  a 
magistrate,  camped  out  all  night  on  the  wild  land,  made  the 
affidavits  of  settlement,  and  run  on  till  they  went  over  a'most 
— a  deuce  of  a  tract  of  country,  that  was  all  picked  out  afore- 
hand  for  them ;  then  returned  their  affidavits  to  the  office,  got 
the  land  at  preemption  rate,  and  turned  right  round  and  sold 
it  at  market  price — pocketed  the  difference — and  netted  a  most 
handsum  thing  by  the  spec. 

Them  pet  banks  was  another  splendid  affair ;  it  deluged  the 
Fand  with  corruption  that, — it  was  too  bad  to  think  on    When 


PUTTIlfO    A   roOT   IN    IT. 


107 


Its,  universal 
I  tendency  to 
the  opportu* 
to  a  certain 
re  that  point 
am  afeerd  we 
lo  many  raw 
I  in  the  game 
unt  while  the 
so  puzzled — 
ey  put  me  in 
1  a  quadrille. 
3ts  there  an< 
he  right  and 
d  every  body 
ills  and  takes 
his  toes,  and 
x)d  in  natur\ 
Id  hands  that 
know  how  to 
lOon  is  made 
)  the  master 
isum  in  land 
for  they  can 
by  legislative 

Dt  long  since, 
3sed,  that  all 
title,  should 
price,  below 
n  a  particular 
and  the  mo. 
f  men  and  a 
nd,  made  the 
it  over  a'most 
icd  out  afore- 
the  office,  got 
)und  and  sold 
netted  a  most 

it  deluged  the 
ik  on    When 


the  government  is  in  the  many,  as  with  us,  and  rotation  of 
office  is  the  order  oi"  the  day,  there  is  a  nateral  tendency  to 
multiply  offices,  so  that  every  one  can  get  his  share  of  *em, 
and  it  increases  expenses,  breeds  office-seekers,  and  corrupts 
the  whole  mass.  It  is  in  politics  as  in  farmin', — one  large 
farm  is  worked  at  much  less  expense  and  much  greater  profit, 
and  :s  better  in  mahy  ways  than  half  a  dozen  small  ones ;  and 
the  head  farmer  is  a  more  'sponsible  man,  and  better  to  do  in 
the  world,  and  has  more  influence  than  the  small  fry. 
Things  are  better  done  too  on  kia  farm — the  tools  are  better, 
the  teams  are  better,  and  the  crops  are  better :  it's  better  alto, 
gether.  Our  first-rate  men  ain't  in  politics  with  us.  It  don't 
pay  'em,  and  they  won't  go  thro'  the  mill  for  it.  Our  princi- 
ple is  to  consider  all  public  men  rogues,  and  to  watch  'em  well 
that  they  keep  straight.  Well,  I  ain't  gist  altogether  certified 
that  this  don  t  help  to  make  'em  rogues ;  where  there  t«  no 
confidence,  there  can  he  no  honesty  ;  locks  and  keys  are  good 
things,  but  if  you  can't  never  trust  a  sarvant  with  a  key,  he 
don't  think  the  better  of  his  master  for  all  his  suspicions,  and 
IS  plaguy  apt  to  get  a  key  of  his  own.  Then  they  do  get 
such  a  drill  thro*  the  press,  that  no  man  who  thinks  any  great 
shakes  of  himself  can  stand  it.  A  feller  must  have  a  hide 
as  thick  as  a  bull's  to  bear  all  the  lashing  our  public  men  get 
the  whole  blessed  time,  and  if  he  can  bear  it  without  winkin', 
It's  more  perhaps  than  his  family  can.  There's  nothin'  in 
office  that's  worth  it.  So  our  best  men  ain't  in  office— they 
can't  submit  to  it. 

I  knew  a  judge  of  the  state  court  of  New  York,  a  first  chop 
man  too,  give  it  up,  and  take  the  office  of  clerk  in  the  identi- 
cal same  court.  He  said  he  couldn't  aflx)rd  to  be  a  judge ;  it 
was  only  them  who  couldn't  make  a  livin'  by  their  practice 
that  It  would  suit.  No,  squire,  it  would  be  a  long  story  to  go 
through  the  whole  thing ;  but  we  ain't  the  cheapest  govern- 
ment  in  the  world— that's  a  fact.  When  you  come  to  visit  us 
and  go  deep  into  the  matter,  and  see  gineral  government  and 
state  government,  and  local  taxes  and  gineral  taxes,  although 
the  Items  are  small,  the  sum  total  is  almost  a  swingin'  large 

uJ^n'  u^'  ?°"'  ^°"  ^^^^  ^  ®^°P  «<^count  and  read  it  over. 
Well,  the  thing  appears  reasonable  enough,  and  cheap  enough; 
out  if  you  have  been  arunnin'  in  and  out  pretty  often,  and 
gom  the  whole  figur',  add  it  up  to  the  bottom,  and  if  it  don't 
make  you  stare  and  look  corner  ways,  it's  a  pity. 


108 


THB   CLOGKMAKBR. 


What  made  me  fiiat  of  all  think  o'  these  things,  was  aeein 
how  thoy  got  on  in  the  colonies  j  why,  the  crillers  don't  pay 
no  taxes  at  all  a'most — they  actilly  don't  dcsarve  the  nam« 
o'  taxes.  They  don't  know  how  well  they're  off,  that's  sat- 
tain.  I  mind  when  I  used  to  be  agrumblin'  to  home  when  I 
was  a  boy  about  knee-high  to  a  goose  or  so,  father  used  to  say 
Sam,  if  you  want  to  know  how  to  valy  home,  you  should  go 
abroad  for  a  while  among  strangers.  It  ain't  all  gold  that 
glitters,  my  boy.  You'd  soon  find  out  what  a  nice  home 
you've  got ;  for  mind  what  I  tell  you,  home  is  home,  however 
homely — that's  a  fact.  These  blue-noses  ought  to  be  gist  sent 
nway  from  homo  a  little  while ;  if  they  were,  when  they  re- 
turned, I  guess,  they'd  larn  how  to  valy  their  location.  It's  a 
lawful  colony  this, — things  do  go  on  rig'lar, — a  feller  can  rely 
on  law  here  to  delend  his  p.operty,  he  needn't  do  as  I  seed  a 
squatter  to  Ohio  do  once.  I  had  slopt  at  his  house  one  day  to 
bait  my  horse ;  and  in  the  course  of  conversation  about  mat- 
ters and  things  in  gineral,  says  I,  What's  your  title  ?  is  it  from 
government,  or  purchased  from  settlers? — I'll  tell  you,  Mr. 
Slick,  he  says,  what  my  title  is, — and  he  went  in  and  took 
his  rifle  down,  and  brought  it  to  the  door.  Do  you  see  that 
are  hen,  said  he,  with  the  top-knot  on,  afeedin'  by  the  fence 
there?  Yes,  says  I,  I  do. — Well,  says  he,  see  that;  and  he 
put  a  bull  right  through  the  head  of  it.  That,  said  he,  I 
reckon,  is  my  title ;  and  that's  the  way  I'll  sarve  any  tarna- 
lion  scoundrel  that  goes  for  to  meddle  with  it.  Says  I,  if  that's 
your  title,  depend  on't  you  won't  have  many  fellen  troublin' 
you  with  claims.  I  rather  guess  not,  said  he,  larfin' ;  and  the 
lawyers  won't  be  over  forrard  to  buy  such  claims  on  spekila* 
tion, — and  he  wiped  his  rifle,  reloaded  her,  and  hung  her  up 
ag'in.     There's  nothin'  of  that  kind  here. 

But  as  touchin'  the  matter  o'  cheap  government,  why  it's  as 
well  as  not  for  our  folks  to  hold  out  that  ourn  is  so;  but  the 
truth  is,  at  ween  you  and  me,  though  I  would'nt  like  you  to  let 
on  to  any  one  I  said  so,  the  truth  is,  somehow  or  other,  wete 
pt/t  our  foot  in  it — that's  a  fact. 


igs,  was  aeein 
Ivta  don't  pay 
irvc  the  name 
[}fr,  that's  sat- 

home  when  I 
ler  used  to  say 
y^ou  should  go 
:  all  gold  that 

a  nice  home 
lome,  however 

to  be  giat  sent 
when  they  re* 
>cation.  It's  a 
feller  can  rely 
lo  as  I  seed  a 
use  one  day  to 
)n  about  mat* 
title  ?  is  it  from 

tell  you,  Mr. 
t  in  and  took 

you  see  that 
'  by  the  fence 

that;  and  he 
itf  said  he,  I 
ve  any  tarna* 
ays  I,  if  that's 
Hen  troublin' 
irfin' ;  and  the 
IS  on  spekiia* 

hung  her  up 

nt,  why  it's  as 
is  so ;  but  the 
like  you  to  let 
>r  other,  we've 


BIVOLISH   ARMTOCfUOr. 


CHAPTER  XIV. 


10ft 


a 


ENGU8H  ARiaPTOCRACY  AND  YANKEE  MOBOCRACY 

When  we  Imvo  taken  our  tower,  said  the  Clockmaker.  ! 
wtimate  I  will  return  to  the  T-nited  States  for  good  and  all 
You  had  ouKh*  to  visit  our  great  nation,  you  may  depend :  it' 
the  most  splendid  location  atween  the  poles.     History  can't 
show  nothtn'  like  iti  you  might  bile  all  cieation  down  to  an 
essence,  and  not  get  such  a  concrete  as  New  England.    It's  a 
«ght  to  behold  twelve  millions  of  free  and  enlightened  citicens. 
tnd  1  guess  we  sImU  have  all  these  provinces,  and  all  Sow*'* 
America,   There  is  no  eend  to  us  >•  old  Rome  that  folka  make 
sucti  a  touss  about,  waa  nothin'  to  u«~it  warn't  fit  to  hold  a 
candle  to  our  federal  government,— that's  a  feet     I  intend, 
said  1,  to  do  so  before  I  go  to  Europe,  and  may  perhaps  avail 
myself  of  your  kind  offer  to  accompany  me.     U  an  Enfflish- 
man  well  received  in  your  country  now  ?     Well,  he  is  now. 
said  Mr.  Slick ;  the  last  war  did  that;  ws  licked  the  British 
into  a  respect  for  us  ,•  and  if  it  warn't  that  they  are  so  placuv 
.tealous  of  our  fectories,  and  so  invyous  of  our  freedom,  I 
guess  we  should  be  consideraWe  sociaWe,  but  they  can't  ato- 
mach  our  glorious  institutions  no  how.    They  don't  underhand 
T    .^!io  .*"?  "^l  Minister  used  to  have  great  arguments 
about  the  British.     Father  hated  them  like  pyson,  as  most  of 
our  revolutwnary  heroes  did,-  but  minister  used  to  stand  up 
for  'em  considerable  stiff,  ^ 

I  mind  one  evenin'  arter  hay  harvest,  fether  said  to  me. 
bam,  said  be,  spose  we  go  down  and  see  minister ;  I  guess 
7Jyl  "!lJ"i!*^  with  me  for  I  brought  him  up  all  standin* 
other  night  by  saym'  the  English  were  a  damned  overbearin' 
tyrannical  race,  and  he  hadn't  another  word  to  say.  When 
you  make  use  of  such  language  as  that  are.  Colonel  Slick, 
said  he,  there  s  an  eend  of  all  conversation.  I  allow  it  is  very 
disrespectful  to  swear  afore  a  minister,  and  very  onhandsum 
to  do  so  at  all,  and  I  don't  approbate  suck  talk  at  no  rate.  So 
we  will  drop  the  subject  if  you  ptease.  Well,  I  got  pretty 
grun,py  too,  and  we  parted  in  a  huff.  I  think  myself,  savs 
father,  it  warn't  pretty  to  swear  afore  him ;  for,  sin,  if  th«-« 


'   ;  -*4' 


IK 


TH£  clockmakeh. 


i,  a  «ood  man  agoin'  it  is  minister,— thal>  a  fact.  Bui,  Sam 
«v8^we  Tnilltary  men.-and  he  straightened  himself  up 
Sderari:  aUff,  aJd  pulled  up  h«  »"-.-<' '~^f"„«"^ 
as  a  lion,-we  »-mtary  n»n,  «y«  he,  h.v«  «  h;^^  "^/".^P  J, 
out  an  oath  now  and  then.  Very  lew  oi  ""  '"'  „ 
Zear-  I  recollect  that  tarnation  fire-eeter,  Gmeral  tjates, 
Jte.  hews  in  our  sarvice,  ordered  me  once  to  attack  a 

S'-haTJ"™;!  M  'gu^es^s ;  ^Jd  I'm  athinkin' it  ain't  ^o- 

S  SUdTsrvfl  he,  ain't  there  two  sides  to  a  stone  waH 
Tn't  S'ne  he^^^^^^  like  .g'in  from  yon  -i^e,  Captain 
or  I  hope  I  may  be  tetotally  and  etToctually  u-d  if  I  don  t 
break  y^u-?l  will,  by  gosh  !  He  warn't  a  man  to  be  cnfled 
t^r/ou  may  depeidf  so  I  drew  up  my  company,  and  made 
Tt  the  wall  dolble'quick,  expectin'  every  minit  would  be  our 

^*  Gist  as  we  got  near  the  fence,  I  heerd  a  scrailin^  and 
a  Sdin'  b^hir?i  it,  and  I  said,  now,  says  I,  for'ard  my  boy^. 
forvouJ  lives !  hot  foot,  and  down  onder  the  fence  en  your 
STand  hen  we  shall  be  as  safe  as  they  be,  and  perhaps 
we  can  loophole  ^em.     Well,  we  gist  hit  it,  and  got  there 
wUhou^  a  shot,  and  down  on  our  faces  as  flat  as  flounders. 
?^sen  ly  we  h;erd  the  British  run  for  dear  life,  and  take  right 
Wk  across  the  road,  full  split.     Now,  says  I,  my  hearties, 
u;td  let  driv; at  'em,  rightUr  the  ^^^^ '  J^^^' ^^^^^^^^^^^ 
„ur  knees,  and  cocked  our  guns,  so  as  to  have  all  read^    ana 
S^en  we%mp'd  up  an  eend^  and  seein'  nothin' but  a  ^  ea^ 
llni^Z^ust  we  fired  right  into  it,  and  down  we  heerd  'em 
tmte-  and'Xen   he  du?t  cleared  ofl",  we  saw  the  "latter  of 
wenty  white  breeches  turned  up  to  us  sprawlm'  on  the  ground. 
S/t  that  moment  we  heerd  three  cheers  from  the  memy  at 
the  fort  and  a  great  shout  of  larfin'  from  our  army  too,  they 

tw-ha^^^^^^^^  Well,  nt/' ^^/r/fr  l'!ift 

s^T  if  that  don't  bang  the  bush.  I'll  be  darn  d  if  it  am 
a  flock  of  sheep  belongin'  to  Elder  Solomon  LongstalF,  a  ter 
al'  -and  if  we  ain't  killed  the  matter  of  a  score  of  em 
trTlnA  almutton ;  that's  a  fact.  Well,  we  returned  con- 
Srable  "down  in  the  mouth,  and  says  the  giuerai,  capiaiu, 
^yThe!  I  guess  you  made  the  enemy  look  pretty  sheepish, 


ElfGLISH    ARISTOCRACY. 


But,  Sam. 
liiiDself  up 
3d  as  fierce 
of  rappin* 
roc3  didn't 
jral  Gatea, 
:o  attack  a 
mlf  like  it. 
re,  and  the 
t  ain't  alto- 
ptain  Slick, 
n— n,  Cap- 
stone wain 
le.  Captain, 
i  if  I  don't 
to  be  trifled 
fj  and  made 
ould  be  our 

crailin^  and 
rd  my  boys, 
nee  on  your 

and  perhaps 
id  got  there 
as  flounders, 
nd  take  right 

ray  hearties, 
3II,  we  got  on 
lU  read-"    and 
,'  but  a  ^reat 
ive  heerd  'em 
the  matter  of 
m  the  ground. 
1  the  inemy  at 
•my  too ;  they 
on  as  I  could 
ii'd  if  it  ain't 
ongstalT,  arter 

score  of  'em 

returned  con* 
leral,  captain, 
retty  sheepish, 


111 

did'nt  you?  Well,  if  the  oflicers  didn't  larf,  it's  a  pity:  and 
says  a  Vargmy  officer  that  was  there,  in  a  sort  of  half 
whisper,  that  wall  was  well  lined,  you  may  depend  ;  sheep  on 
one  side  and  asses  on  the  other  I     Says  I,  stmnger  you  had 

better  not  say  thai  are  ag'in,  or  I'll Gintlemen,  says  the 

general,  resarve  your  heat  for  the  inemy  ;  no  quarrels  amoncr 
ourselves—and  be  rode  off,  havin'  first  vthispered  in  my  ea.^ 
Do  you  hear,  captain,  d-n  you !   there    are  two  sides'  to 

A   A  A     w '  ^""^^  .^'  ^,'"^';^''  ^"^  ^'^'^  «'^^s  t«  a  story  too. 
And  don  t  for  gracious'  sake,  say  any  more  about  it.     Yes 
we  military  men  all  swear  a  fevv,-it's  the  practice  of  the' 

SiZmtnist^''"''  "''**"''''    ^"^  ^'"  ^"^  ^""^  "•'''**'  ^"^"'^« 

Well,  we  walked  down  to  Mr.  ilopewell's.  and  we  found 
him  HI  a  li  tie  summer  house,  all  covered  over  with  honey, 
suckle,  as  busy  as  you  please  with  a  book  he  was  astudyin' 
and  as  soon  as  he  ^ed  us,  he  laid  it  down,  and  came  oGt  to 
moe    us.     Colonel  Slick,  says  he,   I  owe  you  an  apology, 
believe ;  I  consait  I  sjKjke  too  abrupt  to  you  t'other  evenin\ 
I  ought  to  have  made  some  allowance  for  the  ardour  of  one 
..f  our  military  heroes.     Well,  it  took  father  all  aback  that, 
for  he  know  d  it  was  him  that  wag  to  blame,  and  not  minister, 
who  began  to  say  that  it  was  him  that  ought  to  ax  pardon : 
but  minister  wouldn't  hear  a  word,— he  was  all  humility  was 
minister-he  had  no  more  pride  than  a  babe,)— and  says  he, 
Come,  Colonel,  walk  in  and  sit  down  here,  and  we  will  see  if 
we  cannot  muste;-  a  bottle  of  cider  for  you,  for  I  take  this 
visit  very  kind  of  you.      Well,  he  brought  out  the  cider,  and 
we  sot  down  quite  sociable  like.     Now,  says  he,  colonel, 
what  news  have  you. 

Well,  says  father,  neighbor  Dearbourn  tells  me  that  he 
heerd  trom  excellent  authority  that  he  can't  doubt,  when  he 
was  to  England,  that  King  George  the  third  has  been  dead 
these  two  years;  but  his  ministers  darsen't  let  the  people 
know  It,  for  fear  of  a  revolution  ;  so  they  have  given  out  that 
he  took  the  loss  of  these  States  so  much  to  heart,  and  fretted 
and  carried  on  so  about  it,  that  he  ain't  able  to  do  business  no 
more,  and  that  they  are  obliged  to  keep  him  included.  Thev 
say  the  people  want  to  have  a  government  gist  like  ourn,  but 
the  lords  and  great  folks  won't  let  em,-and  that  if  a  poor 
man  Ihvs  hv  a  tew  dolhrs  th^  n^Ku^  . — i  ._.i  .  ^  •.  '^  . 
•isvay,  for  fear  they  should  buy  powder  .-nid  shot  with  it    [t's 


113 


THB   CLOCKMAKKR. 


awful  to  think  on,  am't  it  ?  I  allow  the  British  are  ahout  thi" 
most  enslaved,  oppressed,  ignorant,  and  nraiserable  folks  on  the 
face  of  creation. 

You  musnU  believe  all  you  hear,  said  minister ;  depend 
upon  it,  there  ain't  a  word  of  truth  in  it.  I  have  been  a  go«)d 
deal  in  England,  and  I  do  assure  you,  they  are  as  free  as  we 
be,  and  a  most  plaguy  sight  richer,  stronger,  and  wiser. 
Their  government  convenes  them  better  than  ourn  would,  and 
I  must  say  there  be  some  things  in  it  I  like  better  than  ourn 
Um.  Now,  says  he,  colonel,  I'll  pint  out  to  you  where  they 
have  a*most  an  amazin'  advantage  over  us  here  in  America. 
First  of  all,  there  is  the  King  on  his  throne,  an  hereditary 
King, — a  born  King, — the  head  of  his  people,  and  not  the 
head  of  a  party  ;  not  supported,  right  or  wrong,  by  one  side 
because  they  chose  him, — nor  hated  and  opposed,  right  or 
wrong,  by  t'other  because  they  don't  vote  for  him  ;  but  loved 
and  supported  by  all  because  he  is  their  King ;  and  regarded 
by  all  with  a  feelin'  we  don't  know  nothin'  of  in  our  country, 
—a  feelin'  of  loyalty.  Yes,  says  father,  and  they  don't  care 
whether  it's  a  man,  woman,  or  child  ;  the  ignorant,  benighted 
«:ritters.  They  are  considerable  sure,  says  minister,  he  ain't 
u  rogue,  at  any  rate. 

Well,  the  next  link  in  the  chain (Chains  enough,  poor 

wretches !  says  father ;  but  it's  good  enough  for  'em  tho',  I 
guess)— Well,  the  next  link  in  the  chain  is  the  nobility,  inde- 
pendent of  the  crown  on  one  side,  and  the  people  on -the 
other ;  a  body  distinguished  for  its  wealth, — its  larnin', — its 
munificence, — its  high  honour, — and  all  the  great  and  good 
qualities  that  ennoble  the  human  heart.  Yes,  says  father,  and 
yet  they  can  sally  out  o'  their  castles,  seize  travellers,  and 
rob  *em  of  all  they  have ;  hav'n't  they  got  the  whole  country 
ensiaved  ?--the  debauched,  profligate,  eff'eminate,  tyrannical 
gang  qs  they  be  ; — and  see  what  mean  offices  they  fill  about 
the  King's  parson.  They  put  me  in  mind  of  my  son  Eldad 
when  he  went  to  lam  the  doctors'  trade,— they  took  him  tho 
first  winter  to  the  dissectin'  room.  So  in  the  spring,  says  I, 
Eldad,  says  I,  how  do  you  get  on?  Why,  says  he,  father,  I've 
only  had  my  first  lesson  yet.  What  is  that  ?  says  I.  Why, 
says  he,  when  the  doctors  are  dissectin'  of  a  carcase  of  cold 
meat,  (for  that's  the  name  a  subject  goes  by,)  I  have  to  stand 
K.r  »«jY>  artd  keen  mv  handB  clean,  to  wipe  their  noees,  give 
•em  snuflT,  and  light  cigars  for  'em ;— and  the  snuff  set?  'em  a 


about  the 
Iks  on  the 

*;  depenc 
ten  a  good 
free  as  we 
nd  wiser, 
vould,  and 
than  ourn 
vhere  they 
America, 
hereditary 
id  not  the 
ly  one  side 
I,  right  or 
;  but  loved 
1  regarded 
ir  country, 
don't  care 
,  benighted 
!r,  he  ain't 

ough,  poor 
em  tho',  I 
)ility,  inde- 
pie  on  -the 
irnin\ — its 
t  and  good 
father,  and 
irellers,  and 
oie  country 
tyrannical 
y  fill  about 
son  Eldad 
>k  him  thu 
ing,  says  I, 
father,  I've 
3 1.  Why, 
iase  of  cold 
ve  to  stand 
noees,  give 
'  set?  'em  a 


fiirOLISH    ARISTOCRACY.  11J> 

ilieeziu'  so,  I  have  to  be  a  wipin'  of  their  noses  everlastm'lv. 
Its  a  dirty  busmess,  that's  a  fact ;— but  dissectin'  is  a  dirty 
affair,  I  guess,  altogether.  Well,  by  all  accounts  the  nobilitj 
fill  offices  as  mean  as  the  doctors'  apprentices  do  tho  first 

I  tell  you,  these  are  mere  lies,  says  minister,  got  up  here  bv 
a  party  to  mfluence  us  ag'in  the  British.     Well,  wtU !  said 
tather,  go  on,  and  he  threw  one  leg  ever  the  other,  tilted  back 
m  his  chair,  folded  his  arms  over  h  s  breast,  and  looked  as 
detarmined  as  if  he  thought-now  3  ou  may  gist  talk  till  vou 
are  hoarse,  if  you  like,  but  you  won  t  convince  me,  I  can  tell 
you.     Then  there  is  an  Established  Church,  containin'  a  body 
o  men  distinguished  for  their  piety  and  larnin',  uniform  prac- 
tice.  Christian  lives,  and  consistent  conduct:  gist  a  beach  that 
keeps  off  the  assaults  of  the  waves  o'  infidelity  and  enlhu- 
siasm  from  the  Christian  harbour  within— the  great  bulwark 
and  breakwater  that  protects  and  shelters  Protestantism  in  the 
world.     Oh  dear,  oh  dear  I  said  father,  and  he  looked  over  to 
me,  quite  streaked,  as  much  as  to  say.  Now,  Sam,  do  only 
hear  the  nonsense  that  are  old  critter  is  atalkin'  of:  ain't  it 
mJnK^  K  T*?f ^^/^^^'-^  ^^  t»»e  gentry,  and  a  fine,  honourable, 
manl> ,  hospitable,  mdependent  race  they  be ;  all  on  'em  suns 
in  their  little  spheres,  illuminatin',  warmin',  and  cheerin'  all 
within  their  reach.    Old  families,  attached  to  all  around  them, 
and  all  attached  to  them,  both  them  and  the  people  recollectin' 
hat  there  have  been  twenty  generations  of 'em  kind  land- 
lords, good  neighbours,  liberal  patrons,  indulgent  masters  ;  or 
If  any  of  em  went  abroad,  heroes   by  field  and   by  flood. 
Yes,  says  father,  and  they  carried  back  somethin'  to  brag  ou 
from  Bunker's  Hill,  I  guess,  didn't  they  ?    We  spoilt  the 
pretty  faces  of  some  of  their  landlords,  that  hitch,  anrhow— 
ay,  and  their  tenants  too;  hang  me  if  we  didn't.     Whrn  1 
was  at  Bun ' 

Then  there  is  the  professional  men,  rich  marchants,  and 
opulent  factorists,  all  so  many  ouUworks  to  the  king,  and  all 
to  be  beat  down  afore  you  can  get  at  the  throne.  Wei!,  all 
these  blend  and  mix,  and  are  entwined  and  interwoven  *o. 
ge  her,  and  make  that  great,  harmonious,  beautiful,  social  and 
political  machine,  the  British  constitution.  The  children  of 
nobles  am  t  nobles— (I  guess  not,  says  father— why  should 
intry  uv  i  ttiii  I  an  men  iiee  and  equal  ?  read  Jetterson's  de- 
Clara---)— but  they  have  to  mix  with  the  commons,  and  be. 


114 


THK    CLOCKMAKBR. 


coiTie  commoners  themselves,  and  part  of  the  greo»  tfeiiera) 
mass, — (and  enough  to  pyson  the  whole  mass  too,  said  lather, 
gist  yeast  enough  to  farment  it,  and  spile  the  whole  batch). 
Quite  the  revarse,  says  minister ;  to  use  a  homely  simile,  it's 
!ike  a  piece  of  fat  pork  thrown  into  a  boilin'  kettle  of  maple 
Ryrup ;  it  checks  the  bubblin'  and  makes  the  boilin'  subside, 
and  not  run  over.     Well,  you  see,  by  the  House  o'  Lords  get- 
ting recruits  from  able  commoners,  and  the  commoners  gettin* 
recruits  from  the  young  nobility,  by  intermarriage — and  by 
the  gradual  branchin'  off  of  the  young  people  of  both  sexes, 
It  bwomes  the  people's  nobilityy  and  the  king^s  nobility,  sym- 
pathising with  both,  but  independent  of  either.     That's  gist 
the  difference  'atween  them  and  foreigners  on  the  Continent ; 
that's  the  secret  of  their  power,  popularity  and  strength.   The 
king  leans  on  'em,  and  the  people  leant  on  'em — they  are  the 
key.stone  of  the  arch.    They  don't  stand  alone,  a  high  cold 
snowy  peak,  a'  overlookin'  of  the  world  beneath,  and  athrow- 
in'  a  dark  deep  shadow  o'er  the  rich  and  fertile  regions  below 
it.     They  ain't  like  the  cornish  of  a  room,  pretty  to  look  at, 
but  of  no  airthly  use  whatever ;  a  thing  you  could  pull  away, 
and  leave  the  room  standin',  gist  as  well  without,  but  they  are 
the  pillars  of  the  state — the  flooted,  and  grooved,  and  carved, 
and  ornamental,  but  solid  pillars — you  can't  take  away  the 
pillars,   or  the  state  comes  down — you   can't  cut  out  the 
flooiin',  or  groovin',  or  carvin',  for  it's  in  so  deep  you'd  have 
to  cut  the  pillars  away  to  nothin'  a'most  to  get  it  out.     Well, 
says  father,  arisin'  of  his  voice  till  he  screamed,  have  yuu 
nothin',  sir,  to  praise  to  home,  sir?    I  think  you  whitewashed 
that  British  sepulchre  of  rottenness  and  corruption,  that  House 
o'  Lords,  pretty  well,  and  painted  the  harlot's  eldest  darter 
till  she  looks  as  flarnty  as  the  old  one  of  Babylon  herself; 
let's  have  a  touch  o'  your  brush  to  home  now,  will  you?   You 
don't  onderstand  me  yet.  Colonel  Slick,  said  he ;  I  want  to 
show  you  somethln'  in  the  workin'  o'  the  machinery  you  ain't 
thought  of,  I  know.     Now,  you  see,  colonel,  all  these  parts  J 
described  are  checks,  we  ain't  got, — (and  1  trust  in  God  we 
never  shall,  says  father — we  want  no  check — nothin'  can 
never  stop  us,  but  the  limits  o'  creation,)  and  we  ain't  pro- 
vised  any  in  their  place,  and  I  don't  see  what  on  airth  wo 
shall  do  for  these  drag-chains  on  popular  opinion.     There's 
nothin'  here  io  make  it  of — nothin'  in  the  natur'  of  things  tc 
Hubstitute — nothin'  invented,  or  capable  of  the  wear-and-tear 


ENGLISH    ARISTOCRACY. 


llf) 


!U'  tfeiieral 
}aid  lather, 
lole  batch), 
simile,  it's 
e  of  maple 
n*  siibsidei 
Lords  get« 
ners  gettin* 
re — and  by 
both  sexes, 
Hlityy  sym- 
That's  gist 
Continent ; 
ingth.   The 
hey  are  the 
i  high  cold 
ind  athrow- 
jions  below 
to  look  at, 
pull  away, 
3Ut  they  are 
and  carved, 
e  away  the 
;ut   out  the 
you'd  have 
out.     Well, 
,  have  yuu 
i^hitewashed 
,  that  House 
dest  darter 
on  herself; 
[  you?   You 
;  I  want  to 
ry  you  ain't 
hese  parts  1 
t  in  God  we 
nolhin'  can 
e  ain't  pro- 
an  airth  wo 
n.     There's 

-/•  ax.: «^ 

ui    I  mugs  IV 

;ar-and-tear 


if  ill  vented,  that  will  be  the  least  morsel  of  use  in  the  world. 
Jixp  am  what  you  mean,  for  gracious  sake,  says  father,  for  I 
don  t  onderstand  me  word  of  what  you  are  asayin'  of:  who 
dares  talk  of  chams  to  popular  opinion  of  twelve  million  of 
free  and  enlightened  citizens?  Well,  says  minister,  gist  see 
here  colonel,  instead  of  all  these  gradations  and  circles,  and 
what  not,  they've  got  in  England-each  havin'  its  awn  prin- 
ciple  ot  action,  harmonizin'  with  one  another,  yet  essentially 
independent--we  got  but  one  class,  one  mass,  one  people, 
^me  natur  has  made  a  little  smarter  than  others,  and  some 
education  has  distinguished  ;  some  are  a  little  richer,  some  a 
little  poorer--but  still  we  have  nothin'  but  a  mass,  a  populace, 
a  people;  all  alike  in  great  essentials,  all  havin'  the  same 
power,  same  rights,  same  privileges,  and  of  course  same  feel- 
m  St— call  %t  what  you  will,  it's  a  popvlace,  in  fact. 

Our  name  is  Legion,  says  father,  ajumpin'  up  in  a  great 
rage.     Yes,  sir,  legion  is  our  name— we  have  twelve  millions 
ol  freemen,  ready  to  march  to  the  utmost  limits  o'  creation, 
and  fight  the  devil  himself  if  he  was  there,  with  all  his  hosts; 
and  I  m  the  man  to  lead  'em,  sir;  I'm  the  boy  that  gist  will 
u  ,      J  r*!^'  ^'^^^  "^P*"*  ^"'^^^'  "g*'t  shoulders  for'ard— 
"I^"? ;    ^,      ^^^  °**^  ""^^  ^g"n  *o  step  out  as  if  he  was 
aleadin  of  em  on  their  way  ag'in  old  Nick— whistling  Yan- 
kw-doodle  all  the  time,  and  lookin'  as  fierce  as  if  he  could 
whip  his  weight  in  wild  cats.     Well,  says  minister,  I  guess 
you  won  t  have  to  go  quite  so  far  to  find  the  devils  to  fight 
with  as  the  eend  of  creation  neither;  you'll  find  them  nearer 
to  home  than  your  athinkin'  on  some  o'  these  days,  you  may 
depend.     But,  colonel,  our  people  present  one  smooth,  un- 
broken  surface— do  you  see  ?-of  the  same  uniform  materials, 
which  i^  acted  on  all  over  alike  by  one  impulse.     It's  like  a 
lake.     Well,  one  gust  o'  wind  sweeps  all  over  it,  and  puts  all 
m  agitation,  and  makes  the  waters  look  angry  and  dangerous 
—(and  smaller  waters  makes  the  ugliest  seas  always.)   Well, 
as  soon  as  the  squall  is  over,  what  a'most  a  beautiful  pitchin 
and  heavm  there  is  for  a  while,  and  then  down  it  all  comes 
as  calm  and  as  stagnant  and  tiresome  as  you  please.     That's 
our  case. 

There  is  nothir.'  -^  check  popular  commotion  here,  nothino 

T  J"  •  ^"^®  /^  ^'^^  i^^'  ?*"^  .'""^^  *®  influence  it  for  evil! 
-  ..nre  is  one  tone  and  one  key  here ;  strike  the  octaves  where 
you  like,  and  when  you  like,  and  they  all  eccord. 


116 


THB  CLOCKMAKmu 


The  press  can  lash  us  up  to  a  fury  here  in  two  twos  any 
day,  because  a  chord  struck  at  Maine  vibrates  in  Florida,  and 
when  once  roused,  and  our  dander  fairly  up,  where  are  the 
bodies  above  all  this  commotion,  that  can  soften,  moderate, 
control,  or  even  influence  it  ?     The  law,  we  see,  is  too  feeble  ; 
people  disregard  it ;  the  clergy  can*t,  for  if  they  dare  to  disa- 
gree with  their  flocks,  their  flocks  drive  'em  out  of  the  pastur* 
in  little  less  than  half  no  time ;  the  legislature  can't,  for  they 
are  parts  of  the  same  turbid  water  themselves ;  the  president 
can't,  for  he  is  nothin'  but  a  heap  of  froth  thrown  up  by  con- 
flictin'  eddies  at  the  central  point,  and  floats  with  the  stream 
that  generateo  him.     He  has  no  motion  of  himself,  no  locomo- 
tive  power.     It  ain't  the  drift-log  that  directs  the  river  to  the 
sea,  but  the  river  that  carries  the  drift-log  on  its  back.     Now 
m  England,  a  lyiu',  agitatin',  wicked  press,  demagogues  and 
political  jugglers,  and  them  sort  o'  cattle,  finds  a  check  in  the 
Executive,  the  great,  the  larned,  the  virtuous,  the  prudent, 
and  the  well  established  nobility,  church,  and  gentry.  It  can't 
deceive  them,  they  are  too  well  informed ; — it  can't  agitate 
them,  for  they  don't  act  from  impulse,  but  from  reason.     It 
can't  overturn  'em,  for  they  are  too   strong.     Nothin'  can 
move  so  many  different  bodies  but  somethin'  genuwinc  and 
good,  somethin'  that  comes  recommended  by  common  sense 
for  the  public  weal  by  its  intrinsic  excellence.     Then  the 
clergy  bless  it,  the  nobles  sanction  it,  and  the  king  executes 
it.     It's  a  well-constructed  piece  o'  machinery  that,  colonel, 
and  I  hope  they  won't  go  adabblin'  too  much  with  it ; — there's 
nothin  like  leaoin'  alVs  well  alone. 

I'll  suppose  a  case  now :— If  the  French  in  Canada  were  to 
rebel— as  they  will,  like  that  priest  that  walked  on  crutches 
till  they  elected  him  Pope,  and  when  he  got  into  the  chair  he 
up  crutches  and  let  'em  fly  at  the  heads  of  the  cardinals,  and 
told  'em  to  clear  out,  or  he'd  kick  'em  out— they'll  rebel  as 
soon  as  they  can  walk  alone,  for  the  British  have  made  'em  a 
French  colony  instead  of  an  English  one,  and  then  they'll 
throw  away  their  crutches.  If  they  do  rebel,  see  if  our  poo- 
pie  don't  go  to  war,  tho'  the  government  is  o  peace.  They'll 
do  gist  as  they  please,  and  nothin'  can  stop  'em.  What  do 
they  care  for  a  President's  proclamation,  or  a  marshal's  ad- 
vertisements ?  they'd  lynch  one,  or  tar  and  feather  the  other 
of  those  chaps  as  quick  as  wink,  if  they  dared  to  stand  in  thn 
way  one  minit.    No;  we  want  the  influence  of  an  indepon 


ENGLISH    ARISTOCRACY. 


117 


twos  any 
orida,  and 
e  are  the 
moderate, 
oo  feeble ; 
'e  to  disa- 
lie  pastur* 
,  for  they 
president 
p  by  con- 
le  stream 
0  locomo- 
ver  to  the 
k.  Now 
gues  and 
!ck  in  the 

prudent, 
.  It  can't 
't  agitate 
ason.  It 
;hin'  can 
mne  and 
on  sense 
Phen  the 
executes 

colonel, 
— there'a 

i  were  to 

crutches 

chair  he 

nals,  and 

rebel  as 

de  'em  a 

n  they'll 

our  peo- 

They'll 

iVhat  do 

rial's  ad- 

the  other 

nd  in  thn 

indepcn 


dent  united  clergy— of  a  gentry,  of  an  upper  class,  of  a  per 
manent  one  too— of  a  somethin'  or  another,  in  short/we 
hav  n  t  got,  and  I  fear  never  will  get.     What  little  check  we 
had  111  Washington's  time  is  now  lost ;  our  senate  has  degen- 
erated  into  a  mere  second  house  of  representatives ;  our  legis- 
ators  are  ncthin'  but  speakin'  trumpets  for  the  mobs  outside 
to  yell  and  howl  thro'.     The  British  Government  is  like  its 
ouk  ;  It  has  its  roots  spread  out  far  and  wide,  and  is  supported 
and  nourished  on  all  sides,  besides  its  tap-roots  that  run  right 
straight  down  into  the  ground— (for  all  hard-wood  trees  have 
ap-roots,  you  know.)     Well,  when  a  popular  storm  comes,  it 
bends  to  the  blast,  do  you  see?  till  its  fury  is  spent ;— it  gets 
a  lew  leaves  shook  down,  and  perhaps  a  rotten  branch  or  two 
twisted  off;  but  when  the  storm  is  o'er  there  it  is  ag'in  bolt 
upright— as  straight  and  as  stiff  as  a  poker.    But  our  govern- 
ment  is  like  one  of  our  forest  trees— all  top  and  no  branches, 
or  downward  roots,  but  a  long,  slim  stalk  with  a  broom-head, 
fed  by  a  few  superficial  fibres,  the  air  and  the  rain  ;  and  when 
the  popular  gust  comes  it  blows  it  right  over— a  great,  on- 
wieldy  windfall,  smashin'  all  afore  it,  and  breakin'  itself  all 
up  to  pieces.     It  s  too  holler  and  knotty  to  saw  or  to  split,  oi 
to  rip,  and  too  shaky  to  plane,  or  do  anythin'  with— all  it's 
strength  lies  m  growin*  close  alongside  of  others ;  but  it  grows 
too  quick,  and  too  thick  to  be  strong.     It  has  no  intrtnsie 
strength  :—some  folks  to  England  ain't  up  to  this  themselves, 
and  raely  talk  like  fools.     They  talk  as  if  they  were  in  a 
republic  instead  of  a  limited  monarchy.     If  ever  they  get  up. 
sot,  mark  my  words,  colonel,  the  squall  won't  come  out  of 
royalty,  aristocracy,  or  prelacy,  but  out  o'  democracy— and 
a  plaguy  squally  sea  democracy  is,  I  tell  you ;  wind  gets  up 
in  a  minit ;  you  can't  show  a  rag  of  sail  to  it,  and  if  you 
don  t  keep  a  bright  look-out,  and  shorten  sail  in  time,  you're 
wrecked  or  swamped  afore  you  know  where  you  be.      IM 
rather  live  onder  an  absolute  monarchy  any  day  than  in  a 
democracy,  for  one  tyrant  is  better  nor  a  thousand ;  oppres- 
sion IS  better  nor  anarchy,  and  hard  law  better  nor  no  law  at 
all.    Minister,  says  father,  (and  he  put  his  hand  on  his  knees, 
and  rose  up  slowly,  till  he  stretched  himself  all  out,)  I  have 
sot  here  and  heetd  more  abuse  of  our  great  nation,  and  our 
tree  and  enlightened  citizens,  from  you  this  ev'nin',  than  I 

-  ^  — ^.,. ,  ..v-M.v.  j£«Te  laivcu  iixtiu any  iivm  SOU!  breathm  ; 

It  s  more  than  I  can  cleverly  swaller,  or  digest  either,  I  teli 
you.  ° 


118 


THE  CLOCKMAKKK. 


NoM',  sir,  saya  he,  and   he  l>rought  his  two  hee.s  cIom 
together,  and  taking  hold  of  his  coat  tail  with  his  left  hand 

it,  and  then  lifted  i 


slowly  round 


brought  his  right  hand  slowly  rour 

gradually  up  as  if  he  was  drawin'  out  a  sword, — and  now, 
sir,  said  ho,  niakin'  a  lunge  into  the  air  with  his  arm, — 
now.  sir,  if  your  were  not  a  clerjijyman,  you  should  answer  it 
to  mc  with  your  life — you  should,  1  snore,  it's  nothin'  but 
your  cloth  protects  you,  and  an  old  friendship  that  has  sub- 
sisted atvvcon  us  for  many  years.  You  revolutionary  heroes, 
colonel,  says  minister,  smilin',  arc  covered  with  too  much 
glory  to  require  any  aid  from  private  quarrels :  put  up  your 
sword,  colonel,  put  it  up,  my  good  friend,  and  let  us  see  how 
the  cider  is.  I  have  talked  so  much,  my  mouth  feels  con- 
siderable  rusty  about  the  hinges,  I  vow.  I  guess  we  had, 
says  father,  quite  mollified  by  that  are  little  revolutionary 
hero, — and  I  will  sheath  it ;  and  he  went  thro'  the  form  of 
puttin'  a  sword  into  the  scabbard,  and  fetched  his  two  hands 
together  with  a  click  that  sounded  amazin'ly  like  the  rael 
thing.  Fill  your  glass,  colonel,  says  minister,  fill  your  glass, 
and  1  will  give  you  a  toast: — May  our  government  never 
degenerate  into  a  mob,  nor  our  mobs  grow  strong  enough  to 
become  our  government. 


CHAFfER  XV. 

THE  CONFESSIONS  OF  A  DEPOSED  MINISTER. 

Since  I  parted  with  you,  squire,  at  Windsor,  last  fall,  I've 
been  to  home.  There's  been  an  awful  smash  among  the 
banks  in  the  States — they've  been  blowed  over,  and  snapped 
off,  and  torn  up  by  the  roots  like  the  pines  to  the  southward 
in  a  tarnado : — awful  work,  you  may  depend.  Everything 
prostrated  as  flat  as  if  it  had  been  chopped  with  an  axe  for 
the  fire;  it's  the  most  dismal  sight  I  ever  beheld.  Shortly 
after  I  left  you  I  got  a  letter  from  Mr.  Hopewell,  a  tellin'  of 
nie,  there  was  a  storm  abrewin',  and  advisin'  of  me  to  come 
home  as  soon  as  possible,  to  see  arter  my  stock  in  the  SlicK- 
viHe  bank,  for  they  were  carry  in'  too  much  sail,  and  he  was 
e'en  a'most  certain  it  would  capsize  when  the  squall  struck  it. 
Well,  I  rode  night  and  day ,  1  nearly  killed  O'd  Clay  and 


<x)iii'£8sioir8  or  a  minibtea. 


UU 


se.s  close 
ted  hand, 
m  lifled  it 
■and  now, 
is  arm, — 
answer  it 
kothin'  but 
t  has  sub- 
ry  heroes, 
too  much 
it  up  yoar 
IS  see  how 
feels  con> 
3  we  had, 
olutionarv 
3  form  ol' 
two  hands 
e  the  rael 
rour  glass, 
tent  never 
enough  to 


R. 

t  fall,  I've 
imong  the 
d  snapped 
southward 
Everything 
»n  axe  for 
.  Shortly 
a  tellin'  of 
le  to  come 

the  SlicK- 
nd  he  was 
1  struck  it. 

Clay  and 


myself  too  (1  left  the  old  horse  to  the  St.  John's ;)  but  I  got 
there  in  time,  sold  out  my  shares,  and  gist  secured  myself, 
when  it  failed  tetotally, — it  won't  pay  five  cents  to  the  dollar} 
a  total  wreck,  stock  and  fluke.    Poor  old  minister,  he  is  nearly 
used  up ;  he  is  small  potatoes  now,  and  few  in  a  hill.    It  made 
me  feel  quite  streaked  to  see  him,  for  he  is  a  rael  good  man, 
a  genuwtne  primitive  Christian,  and  one  of  the  old  school. 
Why,  Sam,  says  he,  how  do  you  do,  my  boy  ?     The  sight  ot 
you  is  actilly  good  for  sore  eyes.     Oh  I  I  am  glad  to  see  yoi; 
once  more  afore  I  go,  it  does  me  good— it  happifies  me,  it 
does,  I  vow  —  for  you  always   seem  kind  o'nateral  to  me. 
1  didn't  think  I  should  ever   take  any   interest  in  anything 
ag'in  ;--but  I  must  have  a  talk  with  you— it  will  do  me  gooo 
— it  revives  me.     And  now,  Sam,  said  he,  open  that  are  cup- 
board there,  and  lake  the  big  key  oflf  the  nail  on  the  righ. 
baud  side — it's  the  key  of  the  cellar  j  and  go  the  north  bin 
ind   bring  up   a   bottle  of  the  old  genuiciwe  cider — it  wil; 
-efresh  you  after  your  fatigue;   and  give  me  my  pipe  anf 
tobacco,  and  we  will  have  a  talk  as  we  used  to  do  in  old  times 

VVell,  says  I,  when  I  returned  and  uncorked  the  bottle,— 
minister,  says  I,  it's  no  use  in  a  talkin',— and  I  took  a  heav) 
pull  at  the  cider— it's  no  use  a  talkin',  but  there's  nothing  like 
that  among  the  Blue-noses  any  how.  I  believe  you  migh 
stump  the  univarse  (or  cider — tJiat  caps  all— it's  super-exccl* 
lent — that's  a  fact. 

I  shall  stump  out  of  the  univarse  soon,  Sam,  said  he ;  I'm 
s  en  a'most  done ;  my  body  is  worn  out,  and  my  spirits  are 
none  of  the  best  now, —  I'm  a  lone  man.  The  old  men  arfl 
droppin'  off  fast  into  the  grave,  and  the  young  men  are  troopin* 
off  fast  to  the  far  West ;  and  Slickville  don't  seem  the  place  to 
me  it  used  to  do  no  more.  I  'm  well  stricken  in  years  now  j 
my  life  stretches  over  a  considerable  space  of  the  colony  time, 
and  over  all  our  republic :  my  race  is  run,  my  lamp  is  out, 
and  I  am  ready  to  go.  I  often  say.  Lord,  now  lettest  thou  thy 
sarvant  depart  in  peace.  Next  birth-day,  if  the  Lord  spares 
me  to  see  it,  I  shall  be  ninety-five  years  old.  Well,  says  1, 
minister,  you've  seen  great  changes  in  your  time,  that's  sar- 
tain ;  haven't  we  grown  cruel  fast  ?  There  ain't  such  a  nation 
as  ourn  p'rhaps  atween  the  poles,  gist  at  this  present  time. 
We  are  a'most  through  to  the  Pacific,  and  spreadin'  all  ovet 
this  great  Continent ;  and  our  flag  floats  over  every  pan  of 
the  world.     Our  free  and  enlightened  people  do  present  a'most 


12U 


THE  CLOOKMAKHR. 


a  glorious  spectacle — that's  a  fact.  Well,  he  sot  still  and  said 
nothin* ;  but  takin'  the  pipe  out  of  his  mouth,  he  let  go  a  great 
long  puif  of  smoke,  and  then  replaced  his  pipe  ag'in,  and  arter 
a  space,  says  he.  Well,  Sam,  what  of  all  that  7  Why,  said  I, 
ministw,  you  remind  me  of  Joab  Hunter ;  he  whipped  every 
one  tlMt  darst  try  him,  both  in  Slickville  and  its  moinity ;  and 
then  he  sot  down  and  cried  like  a  child,  'cause  folks  were 
afl^erd  of  him,  and  none  on  'em  would  fight  him. 

It's  a  law  of  natur',  Sam,  said  he,  that  things  that  grow  *oo 
last,  and  grow  too  big,  go  to  decay  soon.  I  am  afeerd  we 
shall  be  rotten  afore  we  are  ripe.  Precosity  ain't  a  good  sign 
in  any  thing.  A  boy  that  outgrows  his  strength,  is  seldom 
healthy :  an  old  head  on  young  shoulders  is  plaguy  apt  to  find 
albre  long  the  shoulders  too  old  and  weak  for  the  head.  I 
ttm  too  aged  a  man  to  be  led  away  by  names— too  old  a  bird 
to  be  caught  by  chaff.  Tinsel  and  glitter  don't  deceive  me 
mto  a  belief  that  they  are  solid,  genuine  metals.  Our  eagle, 
that  we  chose  for  our  emblem,  is  a  fine  bird ;  and  an  aspirin' 
bird  ;  but  he  is  a  bird  of  prey,  Sam^-Ho/o  fond  of  Mood^-^too 
prone  to  pounce  on  the  weak  and  unwary.  I  don't  like  to  see 
him  hoverin'  over  Texas  and  Canada  so  much.  Our  flag  that 
you  talk  of  is  a  good  flag  ,•  but  them  stripes,  are  they  prophetic 
or  accidental  1  Are  they  the  stripes  of  the  slaves  risin'  up  to 
humble  our  pride  by  exhibitin'  our  shame  on  our  banner  t  Or 
what  do  they  mean  ?  Freedom,  what  is  it  1  We  boast  of 
freedom  ;  tell  me  what  freedom  is  ?  !s  it  havin'  no  king  and 
MO  nobles  ]  Then  we  are  sartainly  free.  But  is  that  freedom  1 
Is  it  havin'  no  established  religion  I  Then  we  are  free  enough, 
gracious  knows.  Is  it  in  havin'  no  hereditary  government,  or 
vigorous  executive?     Then  we  are  free,  beyond  all  doubt. 

Yes,  we  know  what  wc  are  atalkin'  about ;  we  are  wise  in 
our  generation,  wiser  than  the  children  of  light— we  are  as 
free  as  the  air  of  heaven.  What  that  air  is,  p'rhaps  they 
know  who  talk  of  it  so  flippantly  and  so  glibly ;  but  it  may 
not  be  so  free  to  all  comers  as  our  country  is.  But  what  is 
freedom  ?  My  little  grandson,  little  Sammy,  (I  had  him 
named  arter  you,  Sam,)  told  me  yesterday  I  was  behind  the 
enlightenment  of  the  age  ;  perhaps  you,  who  are  ahead  of  it, 
will  answer  me.  What  is  freedom  ?  A  colt  is  free, — he  is 
unrestrained, — he  acknowledges  no  master,— no  law,  but  the 
law  of  natur'.  A  man  may  get  his  brains  kicked  out  among 
wild  horseS)  but  still  they  ans  tree,     is  our  freedom  like 


-L_4 


OONrKSSlONS  OF    4  MINISTBR 


ISl 


sire  wise  m 


of  the  wild  horse  or  the  wild  ass?  If  not,  what  in  ilT— Is  it 
in  the  right  of  openly  preaching  infidelity  T  Is  it  in  a  licen- 
Uous  press?  Is  It  in  the  outpourings  of  popular  spirits?  Is 
It  in  the  absence  of  all  subordination,  or  the  insufficiency  of 
all  legal  or  moral  restraint  ?  I  will  define  it.  It  is  that  hap- 
py condition  of  mankind  where  people  are  assembled  in  a 
community;  where  there  is  no  government,  no  law,  and  no 
religion,  but  such  as  are  imposed  from  day  to  day  by  a  mob 
of  freemen.     That  ig  freedom.  . 

Why,  minister,  said  I,  what  on  airth  ails  you,  to  make  you 
talk  arter  that  fashion  ?     If  you  had  abin  drinkin'  any  of  tha 
are  old  cider,  I  do  think  I  should  have  believed  it  had  got  into 
your  brain,  for  it's  pretty  considerable  stiff  that,  and  tarnation 
heady.     How  can  you  go  for  to  say  we  have  no  government, 
no  law,  and  no  religion,  when  ii»s  ginerally  allowed  we  are 
the  most  free  and  enlightened  people  on  the  face  of  the  airth  ? 
—I  didn  t  say  that,  Sam ;  I  was  definin'  freedom  in  its  eene- 
nal  acceptation.     We  have  got  a  government  somewhere,  if 
folks  could  only  find  it.     When  they  sarched  for  it  at  Texas, 
they  said  it  was  to  Canady  lines ;  and  when  they  go  to  Cana- 
dy  lines  to  seek  it,  they  say  it  is  gone  to  the  Seminole  war: 
and  when  they  get  there,  they'll  tell  'em  they've  been  lookin* 
lor  It ;  but  It  hasn't  arrived  yet,  and  they  wish  to  gracious  it 
would  make  haste  and  come,  for  if  it  wor  there,  three  thou- 
sand  Injians  couldn't  beat  us  three  years  runnin',  and  defy  us 
yet.     We  ve  got  law  too ;  and  when  the  judges  go  on  the  cir- 
cuit,  the  mob  holds  its  courts,  and  keeps  the  peace.— Whose 
commission  does  the  mob  hold  ?-The  people's  commission. 
And  whose  commission  does  the  supreme  judge  hold'— The 
President  s.     Which  is  at  the  top  of  the  pot  then  ?     Can  the 
judges  punish  the  mob?-No;  but  the  mob  can  punish  the 
judges.     Which  IS  the  supreme  court,  then  ?     No ;  we  have 
law.     les,  said  I,  and  the  prophets  too;  for  if  you  ain't  a 
prophet  of  evil,  it's  a  pity.     I  fairly  felt  ryled,  for  if  there  is 
any  thing  that  raises  my  dander,  and  puts  my  Ebenezer  up. 
It  is  to  hear  a  man  say  any  thing  ag'in  the  glorious  institutions 
oi  our  great,  splendid  country. 

There  you  go  ag'in,  said  he ;  you  don't  know  what  you  are 
atalkin  about ;  a  propjiet  vsed  to  be  a  person  who  foreto'd 
luture  events  to  come.  What  they  be  now  in  Webster's  new 
dictionary,  I  don't  know ;  but  I  guess  they  now  be  those  who 
.oi^cu  tnings  arter  they  happen,     i  warn'f  apropbesyin'— 1 


189 


TUI(  CLOCKMAKCn. 


wa»  speakia*  of  things  afore  my  eyes.  Your  ideua  of  prophuiM 
are  about  ^s  clear  as  your  ideua  of  freedom.  Yes,  we've  got 
law,  and  written  law  too,  as  well  as  written  constitutions— (for 
we  despise  that  onwritten  law,  the  common  law  of  the  igno- 
rant British ;  we  despise  it  as  a  relic  of  barbarism,  of  the  age 
of  darkness  and  fable,)— and  as  soon  as  our  cases  that  are 
tried  afore  tljo  mob  courts  are  collected  and  reported  by  some 
of  our  eminent  mob  orators,  these  state  trials  will  have  great 
authority.  They'll  be  quoted  to  England  with  great  respect, 
I  know ;  for  they've  got  orators  of  the  snmo  breed  there  too,— 
the  same  gentle,  mild,  Christian-like  philanthropists.  Pity 
you  hadn't  sported  that  kind  of  doctrine,  says  I,  mini,  ter, 
afore  our  glorious  revolution.  The  British  would  have  uia<U 
a  bishop  of  you,  or  a  Canter  Berry,  or  whatever  they  cah 
their  Protestant  pope.  Yes,  you  might  have  had  the  cannot 
law  and  the  tythe  law  enforced  with  the  baggonet  law 
Abusin'  the  British  don't  help  us.  Sum.  I  am  not  their  advo 
cate,  but  the  advocate  for  law,  just  and  equal  law,  impartiall) 
administered,  voluntarily  obeyed,  and,  when  infringed,  dul) 
enforced.  Yes,  we  have  religion,  too,  from  the  strict  good 
old  platform,  through  every  variety  and  shade  of  tinker,  mor- 
monite,  and  mountebank,  down  to  the  infidel,— men  who 
preac  h  peace  and  good  will,  but  who  fight  and  hate  each  othoi 
like  the  devil.  Idolatry  like  ourn  you  won't  find  even 
among  the  heathen.  We  are  image  worshippers :  we  have 
two  images.  There's  the  golden  image,  which  all  men  wor- 
ship here,  and  the  American  image.  The  American  image  I 
said  I;  do  tell :  what  on  air'.h  is  that?  I  do  believe  in  my 
heart,  minister,  that  you  have  taken  leave  of  your  senses. 
What  onder  the  sun  is  the  American  image?  An  image  of 
perfection,  Sam,  said  he;  fine  phrenological  head  —  high 
forehead — noble  countenance — intelligent  face — limbs  Her- 
culean, but  well  proportioned — gra*-  ;•  il  attitude — a  figure 
of  great  elegance  nnd  beauty, — the  pei  on" 'ation  of  every 
thing  that  is  great  and  good, — that  '  'le  Auierican  image, 
— that  we  set  up  and  admire,  and  every  body  thinks  it  is 
an  image  of  himself.  Oh  !  it  is  humiliatin',  it  is  degradin'; 
but  we  are  all  brought  up  to  this  idolatry  from  our  cradle : 
we  are  taught  first  to  worship  gold,  and  then  to  idolize  our- 
selves. 

Yes,  we  have  a  government,  have  a  law,  and  have  a  reli- 
gion — and  a  precious  government,  law,  and  religion,  it  is.    I 


CONFRMiONS  OP   A    MINISTRR. 


l!»8 


WM  once  led  u>  Mieve  wo  had  made  a  great  dincovery,  and 
were  tryin'  a  great  cxfjerinient  in  the  arl  of  self-governmont, 
for  tho  benefit  of  mankind,  aa  well  at  ournelves.     Oh,  deluHion 
of  delusions!— It  had  been  tried  before  and  signally  failed,  and 
tried  on  our  own  ground  too,  and  under  our  own  eyes.     Wo 
are  copies  and  not  originals — base  imitators.     When  he  got 
Jhis  far,  1  so4'(l  how  it  was — ho  was  delirious,  poor  old  gentle- 
Minn  ;  the  sight  of  mo  was  too  much  for  him ;  his  narves  was 
excited,  and  ho  was  araviii';   his  face  was  Hushed,  his  eye 
glared,  and  looked  (juirc  wild-jike.     It  touched  me  to  the  heart, 
lor  I  loved  him  liko  «  father,  and  his  intellects  were  of  the  first 
ordor  afoic  old  ng«',  like  a  cloud,  had  overshadowed  'em.     I 
thought  I  should  have  boohoood  right  out.     So,  instead  of 
contradictin'  him,  I  humoured  him.     Where  was   it  tried, 
minister  ?  said  I ;  who  had  the  honour  afore  us  ?  lor  let  us  give 
the  credit  whore  it  is  due.     The  North  American  Indions,  said 
he,  had  tried  it  afore  in  all  its  parts.     They  had  no  king,  no 
nobles,  no  privileged  class,  no  estobliflhed  religion.     Tlioir 
mobs  made  laws,  Lynch  law  too,  for  they  had  burned  people 
bfifore  the  citizens  at  Mobile  were  ever  born,  or  were  even 
thought  on,  and  invaded  also  other  folks'  territory  by  stealtli, 
and  tfien  kept  possession.     They,  too,  elected  their  presidents 
and  other  officers,  and  did  all  and  every  thing  we  do.     They, 
too,  had  their  federal  government  of  independent  states,  and 
their  congress  and  solemn  lookin'  boastin'  orators.     They, 
too,  had  their  long  knives  as  well  as  Arkansas  folks  have, 
and  were  as  fond  of  blood.    And  where  are  they  now  ?    Where 
IS  their  great  experiment  ?— their  great  spectacle  of  a  people 
governin  themselves  ?     Gone !  where  ourn  will  go ;  gone  with 
the  years  that  are  fled,  never  to  return  !     Oh,  Sam,  Sam  I  my 
heart  is  sick  within  me.     Where  now  is  our  beautiful  republic 
bequeathed  to  us  bv  Wasliington,  and  the  sages  and  heroes 
of  the  revolution  ?    Overwhelmed  and  destroyed  by  the  mighty 
waters  of  democracy.     Nothin'  is  now  left  but  a  dreary  waste 
of  angry  waters,  moved  and  excited  by  every  wind  that  blows 
and  agitated  by  every  conflictin'  current,  onsafe  to  navigate 
fearful  even  to  look  upon. 

This  is  is  too  excitin'  a  subject,  said  I,  minister,  and  admits 
of  groat  deal  bein'  said  on  both  sides.  It  ain't  worth  our  while 
[o  get  warm  on  it.  As  for  an  established  church,  said  I,  you 
know  what  an  hubbub  they  made  in  England  to  get  clear  of 
that  are.     I  don't  think  we  need  envy  'em,  unless  they'll 


124 


THE   CLOCKMAKER. 


establish  our  platform.  If  they  did  thaty  said  I,  and  I  looked 
np  and  winked,  I  don't  know  as  I  wouldn't  vote  for  it  myself. 
Sam,  said  he,  we  are  goin'  to  have  an  established  church  ,  i* 
may  be  a  very  good  church,  and  is  a  great  deal  better  than 
maiy  we  have ;  but  still  it  ain't  the  church  of  the  Pilgrims. 
What  church,  said  I,  minister?  Why,  said  he,  the  Catholic 
Chtjrch ;  before  long  it  will  be  the  established  church  of  the 
United  States.  Poor  old  m-n,  only  think  of  his  getting  such 
a  freak  as  that  are  in  his  head  ;  it  was  melancholy  to  hear  hiin 
talk  such  nonsense,  warn't  it?  What  makes  you  think  so? 
said  I.  Why,  said  he,  Sam,  the  majority  here  do  everything. 
The  majority  voted  at  first  against  an  establishment ;  a  ma- 
jority may  at  last  vote  for  it ;  the  voice  of  the  majority  is  law. 
Now  the  Catholics  are  fast  gaiain'  a  numerical  majority. 
Don't  you  believe  census  or  other  tables  ?  I  know  it,  and  I 
could  easily  correct  the  errors  of  the  census. 

They  gain  constantly — they  gain  more  by  emigration,  more 
by  natural  increase  in  proportion  to  their  numbers,  more  by 
intermarriages,  adoption,  and  conversion,  than  the  Protestants. 
With  their  exclusive  views  of  salvation,  and  peculiar  tenets — 
as  soon  as  they  have  the  majority  this  becomes  a  Catholic 
country,  with  a  Catholic  government,  with  the  Catholic  reli- 
gion established  by  law.  Is  this  a  great  change?  A  greater 
change  has  taken  place  among  the  British,  the  Medes,  and 
Persians,  of  Europe,  the  nolumus  leges  mutari  people.  What 
then  will  the  natural  order  and  progrecs  of  events  now  in 
train  here  not  produce  ?  I  only  speak  of  this — I  don't  dread 
it ;  I  hope,  and  trust,  and  pray  that  it  may  be  so ;  not  because 
I  think  them  right,  for  I  don't,  but  because  they  are  a  Chris- 
tian church,  an  old  church,  a  consistent  church,  and  because 
it  is  a  church,  and  any  sect  is  better  than  the  substitution  of  a 
cold,  cpeculative  philosophy  for  religion,  as  we  see  too 
frequently  among  us.  We  are  too  greedy  to  be  moral,  too 
self-sufficient  to  be  pious,  and  too  independent  to  be  religious. 
United  under  one  head,  and  obedient  to  that  head,  with  the 
countenance  and  aid  of  the  whole  Catholic  world,  what  can 
they  not  achieve  ?  Yes,  it  is  the  only  cure  that  time  and  a 
kind  and  merciful  Providence  has  in  store  for  us.  We  shall 
be  a  Catholic  country. 

Sam,  my  heart  is  broken ! — my  last  tie  is  severed,  and  I 
am  now  descendia'  to  the  grave  full  of  years  and  full  of 
fiorrowii !     I  have  received  my  dismissal  ;  my  elders  have 


coNFEssiours  or  a  minister. 


12ft 


•^aited  upon  me  with  the  appallin'  information  that  they  havt- 
given  a  call  to  a  Unitarian,  and  have  no  further  need  of  m v 
services.  My  labours,  Sam,  were  not  worth  having-that's  a 
fact  I  am  now  old,  grey-headed,  and  infirm,  and  worn  out  in 
the  service  of  my  master.  It  was  time  for  me  to  retire. 
Tempus  abire  t.bi  est.  (I  hope  you  hav'n't  forgot  what  littfo 
Latin  you  had,  Sam.)  I  don't  blame  'em  for  Ma^.-but  a 
Unitarian  .n  my  pulpit!  It  has  killed  me-I  cannot  survve 
It ;  and  he  cried  like  a  child.  I  looked  on  'em,  said  he  as 
my  children-I  loved  'em  as  my  own-taught  'em  t£  infant 

bread  of  life,  encouraged  'em  when  they  was  right,  reproved 
em  when  they  was  wrong,  and  watched  over'emXavs 

I^T  .7  n!rV''^  ^f "^  "^^^  ^^^°""t  «hall  I  give  of  t^l^ 
shepherd  ?  Oh,  Sam,  wiUin'ly  would  I  offer  up  my  life  fo^ 
em  as  a  sacrifice  but  it  may  not  be.  My  poor  flocLVmy 
dear  children  my  lost  sheep,  that  I  should  have  lived  to  h^ve 
bSy"  '"'  •  '^"^  '^  '^'  ^'^  '^^  '»  ^'^  »'-^«'  «n1  moaned 
Poor  old  gentleman,  it  had  been  too  much  for  him  :  it  was 
evident  that  it  had  affected  his  head  as  well  as  his  hirt  Ind 
this  I  will  say,  that  a  ^tter  head  and  a  better  hearVS;  ain't 

HoJ7u>  '^^^,K'^?'^''r^  ^'"^^'^^  *han  minister  Joshua 
Hopewell  s  of  Slickville.  I  am  glad  to  hear  you  speak  so 
affectionately  of  him,  said  I.  It  shows  there  are  good  and 
warm  hearts  in  Slickville  besides  his :  but  do  you  reaX  tl^nk 
he  was  delirious  ?     No  doubt  in  the  world  on  it,  snid  he      If 

hi?trnfhr''h  5""  ^"'^  !ri^  ^^'"'  y°"  ^°"ld  have  felt  that 
his  troubles  had  swompified  him.     It  was  gone  goose  with 

t'^rlJf  '  "  ^r-  i-'^^^  ^'  «P°^^  "«^«r  The  inrencro? 
and  ?nHf  r^"'  \/^P''"^'  f"*^  ^"^  ^  ^•'^••t  fi"«d  with  grief 
and  indignation,  here  can  be  no  doubt ;  but  I  see  no  evidence 
of  delirium  ;  on  the  contrary,  his  remarks  strike  me  as  mo^ 

uZ  ma'annT^r n  ,  ^^'^  ^'''  "«^^  ^  ^''^'  '^P^ession 
Zl^  '  •  •  ,  '^^"  '°"S  remember  the  confessit^  of  - 
acposed  minister.  *' 

II  * 


I 

I  1 


]20  THE   CLOCKUAKER. 


CHAPTER  XVI. 
CANADIAN   POLITICS. 

The  iicvt  day  we  reached  Clare,  a  township  wholly  settled 
by  descendants  of  the  Acadian  French.  The  moment  you 
pass  the  bridge  at  Scissiboo,  you  become  sensible  that  you  an 
in  a  foreign  country.  And  here  I  must  enier  my  protest 
against  that  American  custom  of  changing  the  old  and  appro> 
priate  names  of  places,  for  the  new  and  inappropriate  ones 
of  Europe.  Scissiboo  is  the  Indian  name  of  this  long  and 
beautiful  river,  and  signifies  the  great  deep,  and  should  have 
been  retained,  not  merely  because  it  was  its  proper  name, 
but  on  account  of  its  antiquity,  its  legends,  and,  above  all, 
because  the  river  had  a  name,  which  the  minor  streams  of  the 
province  have  not.  A  country,  m  my  opinion  is  robbed  of 
half  of  its  charms  when  its  streams,  like  those  of  Nova 
Scotia,  have  no  other  names  than  those  of  the  proprietors  of 
the  lands  through  which  they  pass,  and  change  them  as  often 
as  the  soil  changes  owners.  Scissiboo  sounded  too  savage 
and  uncouch  in  the  ears  of  the  inhabitants,  and  they  changed 
It  to  Weymouth,  but  they  must  excuse  me  for  adopting  the 
old  reading. 

I  am  no  democrat;  I  like  old  names  and  the  traditions 
belonging  to  them.  I  am  no  friend  to  novelties.  There  has 
been  a  re-action  in  Upper  Canada.  The  movement  party  in 
that  colony,  with  great  form  and  ceremony,  conferred  the 
name  of  Little  York  upon  the  capital  of  the  colony ;  but  the 
Conservatives  have  adopted  the  ancient  order  of  things,  and 
with  equal  taste  and  good  feeling  have  restored  the  name  of 
Toronto.  I  hope  to  see  the  same  restoration  at  Scissiboo,  at 
Tatam-agouche,  and  other  places  where  the  spoiler  has  been. 

There  is  something  very  interesting  in  these  Acadians. 
They  are  the  lineal  descendants  of  those  who  made  the  first 
effective  settlement  in  North  America,  in  1606,  under  De 
Monts,  and  have  retained  to  this  day  the  dress,  customs, 
language,  and  religion  of  their  ancestors.  They  are  a  j^eace- 
able,  contented,  and  happy  people ;  and  have  escaped  the 
temptations  of  English  agitators,  French  atheists,  and  domestic 
demagogues. 


CANADIAN    POLITICS.  l^J 

1  have  often  been  amazed,  said  the  Clockmaker    wHph 

TyT"  TheTli'j  "^r"'""!' '"  r  ""a.  ouriou/ orulT™ 
ney  oe.      ihey  leave  the  marketin'  to  the  women  and  thpir 

busmess  to  their  notaries,  the  care  of  their  scurtotCpriLtt 

and  of  their  bodies  to  their  doctors,  and  resarve  only  fVoKin' 

dancm',  smgm',  fidlin',  and  gasconadin'  to  themselves     Th^v 

are  as  merry  as  crickets,  and  as  happy  as  the  da^'is  Ion/ 

Dont  care  a  straw  how  the  world  jogs,  who's  up^or  wS 

induce  them  to  mvolve  the  country  in  all  the  horrors  of  a  dvU 

.o  l-r;.;fthty'  d';jtTnof n^tit^  'xhevT  ^^^  ^^T 
as  Taunton  water,Ld  all  trwotd  ^^o J' h'artLT  Wt 
.ven  run  down  hill.  They  won't  do  nothin'  bm  g  st  as^hey 
are  bid  Their  notaries  and  doctors  tell  'em, -f hem  sacra 
dmboia  foutera  English  are  agoin'  by  and  by^o  shirerout 

hpll  «n/T '^^"^  heir  priests,  seize  their  galls,  and  play 

e  'em  have  k  I     R?/  T^'  ^'^''""'  "^  ""*^  ^^  ^*^^"^  ^^en,  and 

Oh  'says   the  r  1^"h  m"  J"  "^"""^^  «"  ^^^^  ^'^^^^^^^^ 

un.    says   their  leaders,  old  France  will   send  a  fleet   and 

of  u^'riM  J"' P'  ""i  ^^"^  ">  '^^-y-     Yankies  very  fond 
1    aTtirn' T      P"'^  ^Purposej-very  fond  of  Catholics 

Lnghsh    like  the  diable.     Allong  dong,  then,  they  s^v     un 

and  cut  their  throats!  and  when'^'winter come  ,buTn^m  uT 

half  ha'e  ZT^  '^"?,  J^^ '     ?"^  ^^^^^  Fr'e^ch  natL"  Te 

Rut  r  tK  n"  '  ^    ^''^""*''  ^"^  "°  ^^'^  English. 

iiut  do  they  really  talk  such  nonsense  to  them  as  that  or 
axe  they  such  foois  to  believe  it?  Fact,  I  a  suS  you  hev 
tho\Ti;^"'''"V^-'-^^''^^^  ''  -lUndlill  believe  an;tiiS 
t'\lfl  :S-  J!£  ^^<^^^onaUe  ignorance  they  are  'L  tot 
^irth"\,,fl  -l^  'V  ""PpJesi  cruters  on  the  face  of  the 
a»rth,~but  then  it  is  a  dangerous  ignorance,  for  it  is  so  easily 


tse 


THfi   CLOCKHAKKR. 


mposed  upon.  I  had  been  always  led  to  believe,  I  said,  thai 
it  was  a  great  constitutional  question  that  was  at  stake, — tho 
right  to  stop  the  supplies ;  and  from  hearing  there  were  so 
many  speculative  and  theoretical  points  of  dispute  between 
them  and  the  English,  as  to  the  machinery  of  the  local 
government,  I  thought  they  were  at  least  an  enlightened  peo- 
ple, and  one  that,  feeling  they  had  rights,  were  determined  to 
maintain  those  rights  at  all  hazards.  Oh,  dear,  said  the 
Ulockmaker,  where  have  you  been  all  your  born  days,  not  to 
know  better  nor  that?  They  don't  know  nothin'  about  the 
matter,  nor  don't  want  to.  Even  them  that  talk  about  those 
tilings  in  the  Assembly,  don't  know  much  more ;  but  they  gist 
know  enough  to  ax  for  what  they  know  they  can't  get,  then 
call  it  a  grievance,  and  pick  a  quarrel  about  it.  Why,  they've 
got  all  they  want,  and  more  nor  they  could  have  under  us,  or 
any  other  power  on  the  face  of  the  airth  than  the  English, — 
ay,  more  than  they  could  have  if  they  were  on  their  own 
hook.  They  have  their  own  laws, — and  plaguy  queer,  old- 
fashioned  laws  they  are  too, — Old  Scratch  himself  couldn't 
understand  'em  ;  their  parly  voo  language,  religion,  old  cus- 
toms and  usages,  and  everything  else,  and  no  taxes  at  all. 

If  such  is  the  case,  what  makes  their  leaders  discontented  ? 
There  must  be  something  wrong  somewhere,  when  there  is  so 
much  disaffection.  All  that  is  the  matter  may  be  summed  uj) 
in  one  word,  said  the  Clockmaker,  French, — devil  anything 
else  but  that — French.  You  can't  make  an  Englishman  out 
of  a  Frenchman,  any  more  than  you  can  make  a  white  man 
out  of  a  nigger ;  if  the  skin  ain't  different,  the  tongue  is.  But, 
said  I,  though  you  cannot  make  the  Ethiopian  change  his 
skin,  you  can  make  the  Frenchman  change  his  language.  Ay, 
now  you  have  it,  I  guess,  said  he ;  you've  struck  the  right 
nail  on  the  head  this  time.  The  reform  they  want  in  Canada 
is  to  give  'em  English  laws  and  English  language.  Make  'em 
use  it  in  courts  and  public  matters,  and  make  an  English  and 
not  a  French  colony  of  it ;  and  you  take  the  sting  out  o'  the 
snake, — the  critter  becomes  harmless.  Them  doctors  pyson 
'em.  Them  chaps  go  to  France,  get  inoculated  there  with 
mfidelity,  treason,  and  republicanism,  and  come  out  and 
spread  it  over  the  country  like  small  pox.  They  got  a  bad 
set  o'  doctors  in  a  gineral  way,  I  tell  you,  and  when  rebellion 
breaks  out  there,  as  you'll  see  it  will  to  a  sartainty  by  and  by, 
you'll    find  them  doctors  leadin'  them  on   everywhere, — the 


CANADIAN    POLITICS. 


129 


head,  for  the  cr  tter  won't  fiahf      Th«  ta,  r  u     n  "^ 

wants  the  clear  grit-ain"  lot^t  J,f?     "^'-'^  ^"  "^^  ^« 
It's  all  talk.        ^  ^      ^^^  stuff~no  gmger  in  him— 

there,  a'most  everastin'lv  nt  mv  k«  i      /^"«  -^oaor  Jodne 
voice'    e  :omo°ou';'y''T  T  '''^'"'  '"'  "'"'"  <■'  hS  Ty 

h.  „li  ■.  J  '  ^  .'  ""'  '■''«  clockmakers,  but  only  one  •  inrl 
ha, Jly  trade  enough  for  hin.  neither,  I  guess  We^^'ih-v 
hawhawed  l,ke  any  thing,  for  they  beat  a^  na  ur  for  I'arfin^ 

sicinned  lookiu'  lawfer'  Mav  h '  -  ""^"^'^  parchmenl. 
roller  would  .tand  r^ooI'^lL^'cTSj^l'!!'':^ ■' .'''^\>> 
tgues,.  as  ho  would  in  youmiTf  he;aT.;t"dSSt' 


i 


\' 


130 


THE   CLOCKMAKER. 


1 


court  by  you.    The  critters  all  yelled  right  out  at  this  joke, 
and  strui:k  the  table  with  their  fists  till  the  glasses  all  rang 
a^'in.     Bon,  bon,  says  they.     Says  the  Doctor,  Don  t  you 
understand  French,  Mr.  Slick  1     No,  says  I,  not  one  word ;  1 
wish  to  goodness  I  did  though,  for  I  find  it  very  awkward 
sometimes  atradin'  without  it.     (I  always  said  so  when  I  was 
axed  that  are  question,  so  as  to  hoar  what  was  agom    on  :  it 
heiiKid  mc  in  mv  business  considcrjiblc.     I  could  always  tell 
whether  thoy  actilly  wanted  a  clock  or  not,  or  whether  they 
had  the  money  to  pay  lor  it :  they  let  out  all  their  secrets.) 
^^'ould  you  like  to  see  a  bull-bait !  said  he ;  we  are  gom    to 
bait  a  bull  winter  arter  next,— grand  i'un,  said  he ;  we'll  put 
fire  to  his  tail,— stick  squibs  and  matches  into  his  hide,— make 
him  kick,  and  roar,  and  toss,  like  the  diable :  then  we  11  put 
the  doffs  on,  worry  him  so  long  as  he  can  stand,— then,  tarn 
him,  k^ill  him,  skin  him,  and  throw  his  stinkin'  carcass  to  the 
dot^s  and  de  crows.   Yes,  said  the  other  fellors,  kill  him,  damn 
him,— kill  him!  and  they  got  up  and  waved  their  glasses  over 
their  heads ;— death  to  the  bc^ast  "  d  la  lanterne.'' 

Says  one  of  them  in  French  to  the  doctor,  Prenny  garde- 
are  you  sure,  are  you  clear  he  is  not  English !  Oh,  sartain, 
said  he  in  the  same  lingo;  he  is  a  Yankee  clockmakin 
cheatin'  vagabond  from  Boston,  or  thereabouts ;  but  we  must 
court  him,— we  must  be  civil  to  them  if  we  expect  their  aid. 
If  we  once  get  clear  o'  the  English  we  will  soon  rid  ourselves 
of  them  too.  They  are  chips  of  the  old  block,  them  Yankees; 
a  bad  breed  on  both  sides  o'  the  water.  Then  turnin'  to  me. 
Bays  he,  I  was  just  desirin'  these  gentlemen,  Mr.  Slick,  to 
drink  your  health,  and  that  of  the  United  States.  Thank  you, 
says  I,  [  believe  our  people  and  the  French  onderstand  each 
other  very  well ;  a  very  disinferisted  friendsliip  on  both  sides. 
Oh,  sartain,  says  he,  aputtin'  of  his  hand  on  his  heart,  and 
lookin'  spooney.  One  sentiment,  one  grand  sympathy  of 
feelin',  one  real  amitty  yea.  Your  health,  sir,  said  he ;  and 
they  all  stood  up  ag'in  and  made  a  deuce  of  a  roar  over  it 

Five  Americanes  1  ,    ,,  ,    -.i    m 

I  hope  you  have  good  dogs,  said  I,  for  your  bull-bait  T  U h, 
true  breed  and  no  mistake,  said  he.  It  takes  a  considerab « 
of  a  stiff  dog,  says  I,  and  one  of  the  real  grit,  to  face  a  bull. 
Them  fellors,  when  they  get  their  danders  up,  are  plaguy 
,.„^-,c.  ^^Ufor-  -  th'"''"  ^"»s  anrl  crore  the  common  kind  like 
ricthin',— make  all  fly  ag'in :  it  ain't  over-safe  to  come  too 


CANADIAN    POLITICS.  |gj 

rLkTlh     ;.J^?    °'''7'',■'^■''"■'■P'''■•    "'»  agrand  breed, 
your  hand  at  it,  will  you?  and  if  John  R  ir^S        j     ^ 

I .  ^r.T^  ""f '  y^"**  Washington,,  aays  the  doctor.  Very  sav, 

itto     TndPanT  ''^'^-^'^'^P^  '^e  world  never ^Jedh^ 
mtto.     And  Pap  nor  is  a  great  man,  too,  said  he.     Vei-v  JiH 
I,  especiaHy  m  the  talking  line-he'd  beat  Washin  Jnn  «!  ft, 

in  a, poke  in  the  whferL^ fll-^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ 

vou  ;«ntk  '"^I-  ^'-  y^"   ""^^"'^  ««"^''  yourselves,   doXr  J 
you  can  t  be  a  distinct  nation ;  it  ain't  possible,  in  the  natuV 

n.es  »-ere  to  unite,  you  couldn't  do  it.     Why    avi  I  1^  J 

grrj°r;„^™ -T""''  ''°-  your  noTc^Tt'h/'h? 
^1-  hi.       """"-/o"  <:an  hardly  do  it  now,  evenlh  r 

ou^off  .t  L'nl'"'"  •"''"  "'^'''  "'"S-   O"--  M'"  would  d->: 

Sd:^i«^a-l™x"=;^^'^-^^^^^^ 

-v^,  .na  a  diplomacy,  and  make  foriification/""Why"yo« 


s 


V 


!  I 


las 


THB   CLOCKMAKER. 


R 


couIdnH  build  and  support  one  frigate,  nor  maintain  one  regi- 
ment, nor  garrison  Quebec  itself,  let  alone  the  out«posts.  Out 
folks  would  navigate  the  St.  Lawrence  in  spite  of  your  teeth, 
and  the  St.  John  River  too,  and  how  could  you  help  your, 
selves?  They'd  smuggle  you  out  of  your  eye-teeth,  and 
swear  you  never  had  any.  Our  fur  traders  would  attack  your 
fiir  traders,  and  drive  'em  all  in.  Our  people  would  enter 
here,  a»d  settle — then  kick  up  a  row,  call  for  American  volun- 
teers, declare  themselves  independent,  and  ask  admission  into 
the  Union  ;  and  afore  you  know'd  whore  you  were,  you'd  find 
yourselves  one  of  our  states.  Gist  look  at  what  is  goin'  on 
to  Texas,  and  what  has  gone  on  to  Florida,  and  then  see  what 
will  go  on  here*  We  shall  own  clean  away  up  to  the  North 
and  South  Pole,  afore  we're  done. 

Says  the  doctor,  in  French,  to  the  other  chaps,  that  would 
be  worses  than  bein'  a  colony  to  the  English.  Them  Yankee 
villains  would  break  up  our  laws,  language, and  customs;  that 
cat  wouldn't  jump  at  all,  would  it?  Jamais,  Jamais !  says 
the  company.  We  must  have  aid  from  old  France ;  we  must 
be  the  grand  nation,  and  the  great  empire,  ourselves — and  he 
stop't,  went  to  the  door,  unbolted  it,  looked  round  the  shop, 
and  then  turned  the  bolt  ag'in.  Would  your  folks,  says  he, 
help  us,  if  we  was  to  revolt,  Mr.  Slick.  Certainly,  said  I; 
they'd  help  you  all  they  could,  and  not  go  to  war  with  the 
British.  They'd  leave  all  the  armories  on  the  line  unguaixled, 
so  you  could  run  over  and  pretend  to  rob  'em,  and  leave  all 
the  cannon  in  the  forts  without  any  body  to  see  arter  them,  so 
you  might  have  them  if  you  wanted  them.  Lots  o'  chaps 
would  volunteer  in  your  ranks,  and  our  citizens  would  sub- 
scrile  handsum'.  They'd  set  up  a  claim  pretty  fierce,  at  the 
same  time,  about  tfie  New  Brunswick  boundary  line,  so  as  to 
make  a  devarsion  in  your  favour  in  that  quarter.  We  can't 
go  to  war  gist  now ;  it  would  ruin  us,  stock  and  fluke.  We 
should  lose  our  trade  and  shippin',  and  our  niggers  and  Ind- 
gians  are  ugly  customers,  and  would  take  a  whole  army  to 
watch  them  in  case  of  a  war.  We'd  do  all  we  could  to  help 
you  as  a  jyeople,  but  not  as  n  government.  We'd  furnish  you 
with  arms,  ammunition,  provisions,  money,  and  volunteers. 
We'd  let  you  into  our  country,  but  not  the  British.  We'd 
help  you  to  orrange  your  plans  and  to  derange  them.  But 
we'd  have  to  respect  our  treaties,  for  we  are  a  high-minded, 
nght-mindcd,  sound=minded,  and  religious  people.     We  scru- 


\ 


OANADIAlf   POLITICS. 


139 


Se"!?^LS/n;  engaoemonts.     What  we  undertake  wo 
£?  finH^        w  ""'"T^  '"  ""-yo"  always  knonr  where 

Pr/nnf^i      u        }^^,  ^''P^"^®  ^'''^  "^'series  of  a  war  with 
rlHlr^i^'^y  ^"''^  t"''*  "'  "P  ^'^h  their  capital  and  thdi 

Z.l  Zu  ?  ^*"f  ""^  ""'■  conscience,  send  an  army  or  a 
tovy  to  help  you ;  hut  we  will  hire  yiu  or  lend  vx»u  o„r 

anlThe'^stuff  to';t^  T^k'  '*  ""'  ^°«  ^^  ^"  -'^^  -  «-" 
ana  the  stuff  to  feed,  clothe,  arm,  and  pay  them.     In  short 

tjTZV^'  •'''^^^•'^'  '^^  ^"  witradm^ion  at  the 
treaty  w  th  the  British  on  one  side,  and  prove  ourSvp.  I 
kind  a  liberal,  and  most  obliging  n;ighbou7to  you  o„  ^ 

rence.     i  ne  press  of  the  country  wi  1  encourapp  it     tk. 
nation  will  be  neutral,  but  every  so^I  in  t  wH?  aid^ou     Y^ 

It  was  now  twelve  o^clock  at  night  when  wlnnhl^    •  . 
as  we  got  into  the  street,  I  heerd  thfword  DoTfc.'SLl^^^^ 

norirTs  «  r  T^  ''  '^^l^  "^^^  «^^*  «'  critteiTa  dT^c? 
A  Doric  IS  a  loyalist,  says  they,-a  diable  bull,-,acra  fJre 
—kill  him,— and  thev  arter  him,  fiill  snlit  1  lf«  fvLi-t 
caught  him,  knocked  him  down,  rndZsttlhed%^LjIL^^^^^ 
e'en  a'most  beat  him  to  a  jelly,  and  left  him  fo   dead.     That's 

^xTaTminT '^'^'r'"  T'''  ^^'^^^  Englishman It^  cinada 
pextarminato  'em,  damn  'em.     Time  for  me  to  be  off  Zll 

WW,  I'm  a  thinkin';  it's  considerable  weU  on  toward 
ry^;Ly,l"gi?!!'^'^-"^«^-'    ^on^orefBolZ^l 

"Oh!  yalru,  jttira,  paira, 
Lcs  aristocrats,  d  la  lanlerne." 

They  ii'^lttr.r!,^"".'""'"'''  '"'''  ""'  Cloekraaker 
_  --.^p^.„„  ,„eix  „i,„as  wiin  an  sorts  of  lies  and  locrums 


184 


TMK    CLOCKMAKHR. 


.il»out  their  government.  They  will  npunk  'em  to  rebellion  a» 
last,  and  when  it  does  come  to  the  scratch  they  will  desart 
*em  as  sure  as  eggs  is  eggs,  and  leave  'em  to  be  shot  down 
by  the  sodgers ;  they  ain't  able  of  themselves  to  do  nothin', 
fhem  Canadians  j  they  ain't  got  the  means,  nor  the  energy, 
lor  the  knowledge  for  it ;  they  ain't  like  the  descendants  of 
the  Pilgrims' — -that's  a  fact.  The  worst  of  it  is,  too,  the 
punishment  won't  fall  on  the  right  heads  neither,  for  them 
critters  will  cut  and  run  to  a  sartainty;— I  know  it,  I'm  e'en 
a'most  sure  of  it,— if  they'd  ahad  the  true  blue  in  'em,  they 
wouldn't  have  half  murdered  and  maimed  that  poor  defence- 
less Doric,  as  they  did.  None  but  cowards  do  'em  are  things ; 
-—a  brave  man  fights,— a  coward  sticks  a  bowie  knife  into 
your  ribs ;  but  p'rhaps  it  will  all  turn  out  for  the  best  in  the 
eend,  said  he;  for  if  there  is  a  blow  up,  Papinor  will  off  to  the 
States  full  chisel  with  the  other  leaders, — -the  first  shot,  and 
them  that  they  catch  and  hang  can  never  show  their  faces  in 
Canada  ag'in.  It  will  clear  the  country  of  them,  as  they  clear 
a  house  of  rats,— frighten  'em  out  of  their  seven  senses  by 
firin'  off  a  gun. 

A  thunderstorm^  ^squire,  said  the  Clockmaker,  moat  always 
cools  the  air,  clears  the  sky,  lays  the  dust,  and  makes  all  look 
about  right  agHn. 

Every  thing  will  depend  on  how  the  English  work  it  arter« 
wards ;  if  they  blunder  ag'in,  they'll  never  be  able  to  set  it  to 
rights.  What  course  ought  they  to  adopt  ?  said  i,  for  the  sub- 
ject is  one  in  which  I  feel  great  interest.  I'll  tell  you,  said 
he.  First,  they  should  ■■  ■  -•,  and  he  suddenly  checked  him- 
self, as  if  doubtful  of  the  propriety  of  answering  the  question ; 
-"-and  then  smiling,  as  if  he  had  discovered  a  mode  of  escaping 
fhe  difficulty,  he  continued — They  should  make  you  plinipo 
nod  appoint  me  your  secretary. 


A  OURB   rOR    SMUOGLIira. 


185 


CHAPTER  XVII. 

A  CURE  FOR  SMUGGLING. 

Whenever  natur  does  least,  man  does  most,  said  ihe  Clock 
maker,     (^st  see  the  difference  atwoen  these  folks  here  to 
Liverpool  and  them  up  the  bay  of  Fundy.     There  natur'  has 

f'T'    u?u  ^^^  I'T^  T/'^'y  '"  ^^"^  vvorld.~she  has  taken 

away  all  the  sod  from  this  place,  and  chucked  it  out  there, 

and  left  nothin'  but  rocks  and  stones  here.     There  thev  cist 

vegetate,  and  here  they  go-ahead  like  anything.    I  was  crldi- 

biy  mformed,  when  Liverpool  was  first  settled,  folks  had  to 

carry  little  light  ladders  on  their  shoulders  to  climb  over  the 

rocks,  and  now  they've  got  better  streets,  better  houses,  better 

gardens,  and  a  better  town  than  any  of  the  baymen.     Thev 

carry  on  a  considerable  of  a  fishery  here,  and  do  a  great 

stroke  in  the  timber-business.  «  grt^^i 

I  shall  never  forget  a  talk  I  had  with  Ichabod  Gates  here, 

and  a  frolic  him  and  me  had  with  a  tide-waiter.    Ichabod  had 

a  large  store  o  goods,  and  I  was  in  there  one  evenin'  adrinkin' 

tea  along  with  him,  and  we  got  atalkin'  about  smugglin'. 

Says  he,  Mr.  Slick   your  people  ruin  the  trade  here,  they  do 

smuggle  so;  I  don't  know  as  I  ever  shall  be  able  to  get  rid 

ol  my  stock  of  goods,  and  it  cost  me  a  considerable  of  a  sum 

Ireights  of  money  from  the  West  Indgies,  warn't  employed 

more  a  pro  ectin'  of  our  fisheries  and  our  trade.     Why  don't 

you  smuggle  then  too,  says  I,  and  meet  'em  in  their  own  way  ? 

—tit  for  tat— diamond  cut  diamond-smuggle  yourselves  and 

seize  Mm, .-free   trade  and  sailors'  rights  is  our  maxim. 

Why,  says  he,  J  ain't  gist  altogether  certified  that  it's  right; 

It  goes  agin  my  conscience  to  do  the  like  o'  that  are,  and  I 

must  say  I  like  a  fair  deal.     In  a  gineral  way  a'most  I'v 

obyrved  what's  got  over  the  devil's  back  is  commonly  lost 

under  his  belly.     It  don't  seem  to  wear  well.     Well    that's 

onconvenient,  too,  to  be  so  thin  skinned,  said  I ;  for  conscience 

most  commonly  has  a  hide  as  thick  as  the  soul  of  one's  foot. 

vou  may  cover  it  with  leather  to  make  it  look  decent-like,  but 

It  will  bear  a  considerable  hard  scrubbin'  without  any  thing 


196 


TH£    CLOOKHAKfiR. 


over  It.     Now,  says  I,  I  will  put  you  on  a  track  that  wil 
survo  you  without  bringin'  corns  on  your  conacionco  cither. 
Do  you  gist  pretend  to  smiii(glo  und  make  believe  as  if  you 
wore  agoin'  the  whole  hog  in  it.     it's  safer,  mid  full  out  ui 
prolitable  as  the  ruel  thing,  and  bcHidi-s  there's  uo  «orl  o'  risk 
in  It  in  the  world.    When  Iblka  hear  a  thing  is  smuggled  they 
always  think  it's  cheap,  and  nev(;r  l(H.k  inlo  ihe  price ;  tJjey 
bite  directly— it's  a  grand  bait  that.     Now  always   onload 
yoin-  vessels  at  night,  and  I(;t  folks  hear  a  .-art  agoin'  intc 
>oiir  plac<3atween  two  and  three  o'clock  in  ihe  mornin' ;  fix 
one  o'  the  axles  so  it  will  s(|iieak  like  a  pig,  and  do  you  look 
suspicious,  mysterious,  and  oneasy.    Says  you,  (when  a  chap 
says,  I  guess  you  were  up  late  last  night,)  ax  me  no  questions 
and  I'll  tell  you  no  lies.     There  are  so  many  pimpin'  eyes 
about  now,  a  body  has  to  be  cautious  if  he  don't  want  to  get 
into  the  centre  of  a  hobble.    If  I'm  up  late  I  guess  it's  nobody's 
business  but  my  own  I'm  about  any  how ;  but  I  hope  you 
won't  make  no  remarks  about  what  you  seed  or  heerd. 

Well,  when  a  feller  axes  arter  a  thing,  do  you  gist  stand 
and  look  at  him  for  a  space  without  sayin'  a  word,  cnquirin' 
like  with  a  dubersum'  look,  as  if  you  didn't  know  as  you  could 
trust  him  or  no ;  then  gist  wink,  put  your  fmgor  on  your  nose, 
and  say  mum  is  the  word.     Take  a  candle  and  light  it,  and 
say,  foller  me  now,  and  take  him  into  the  cellar.     Now,  says 
you,  friend,  don't  betray  me,  I  beseech  you,  for  your  life; 
don't  let  on  to  any  one  about  this  place ; — people  will  never 
think  o'  suspectin'  me  if  you  only  keep  dark  about  it.    I'll  let 
you  see  some  things,  says  you,  that  will  please  you,  I  know; 
but  don't  blow  me— that's  a  good  soul.     This  article,  says 
you,  atakm'  up  on?  that  cost  three  pounds,  I  can  afford  to  let 
you  have  as  low  as  five  pounds,  and  that  one  as  cheap  as  six 
pounds,  on  one  condition, — but  mind  you,  it's  on  them  terms 
only, — and  that  is  that  you  don't  tell  any  one,  not  even  your 
wife,  where  you  got  it ;  but  you  must  promise  me  on  the  word 
und  honour  of  a  man.   The  critter  will  fall  right  into  the  trap, 
and  swear  by  all  that's  good  he'll  never  breathe  it  to  a  livin' 
soul,  and  then  go  right  off  and  tell  his  wife,  and  you  might  as 
well  pour  a  thing  into  a  filterin'  stone  as  into  a  woman's  ear 
It  will  ru«  right  thro',  and  she'll  go  a  braggin'  to  her  neigh 
hours  of  the  bargain  they  got,  and  swear  them  to  secrecy,  and 
they'll  tell  the  whole  country  in  the  same  way,  as  a  secret,  of 
the  cheap  things  Ichabod  Gates  has.     Well,  the  excise  folks 


A  0URI3  roR  RMuanijiva. 


IS* 


says 


Will  soon  hear  o'  this,  and  romo  and  surch  your  houso  IVom 
top  to  bottom,  and  thn  sarch  will  mnkn  your  fortin',  for,  as 
they  can't  find  nothin',  you  will  get  tho  credit  of  doin'  the 
officers  in  great  style. 

Well,  well,  said  Ichabod,  if  you  Yankees  don't  \>cnt  all  na- 
.ur.  I  don't  Ix-liovo  in  my  soul  them's  a  critter  in  all  Nova 
Scotia  would  athought  o'  such  a  scheme  as  that,  but  it's  a 
grand  joke,  and  comports  with  conscience,  for  it  parallels 
pretty  close  with  tho  truth :  I'll  try  it.  Trv  if,  says  I,  to  bo 
sure;  let's  go  right  oH*  this  hlcHs.d  night,  and  hide  away  a 
parcel  of  your  goods  in  the  c(.|lar,— put  some  in  the  garret 
and  some  in  the  gig-house.  Begin  and  mil  to-morrow,  and  all 
the  time  I  m  to  Liverpool  I'll  kvvp  arunnin'  in  and  out  o'  your 
house;  sometimes  I'll  gist  come  to  the  corner  of  tho  fence, 
put  my  head  over  and  draw  it  hack  ag'in  as  if  I  didn't  want 
folks  to  see  me,  and  sometimes  I'll  make  as  if  I  was  agoin' 
out,  and  if  I  see  any  one  acomin',  I'll  spring  back  and  hide 
behind  the  door;  it  will  set  tho  whole  town  on  the  look-out,— 
and  they'll  say  it's  me  that's  asmugglin'  cither  on  my  own 
hook  or  yourn.  In  three  days  he  had  a  great  run  o'  custom, 
particularly  arter  night-fall.  It  was  fun  alive  to  see  how  tho 
critters  were  bammed  by  that  hoax. 

On  the  fifth  day  the  tide-waiter  came.     Mr.  Slick,  says  he, 

1  ve  gr)t  information  th Glad  to  hear  it,  says  I;  an 

officer  without  information  would  be  a  poor  tool— that's  a 
fact.  Well,  it  brought  him  up  all  standin'.  Says  he,  do  you 
know  who  you  are  atalkin'  to  ?  Yes,  says  I,  guess  I  do ;  I'm 
talkin  to  a  man  of  information ;  and  that  bein'  the  case,  I'll 
bf!  so  bold  as  to  ax  you  one  question,— have  you  any  thing  to 
say  to  me?  for  I'm  in  a  considerable  of  a  hurry.  Yes,  said 
ho,  I  have.  I'm  informed  you  have  smuggled  goods  in  the 
house.  Well,  then,  says  I,  you  can  say  what  many  galls 
can't  boast  on  at  any  rate.  What's  that?  says  he.  Why, 
says  I,  that  you  ore  mfM-informed. 

Mr.  Gates,  said  he,  give  me  a  candle,  I  must  go  to  the  cellar, 
Sartainly,  sir,  said  Ichabod,  you  may  sarch  where  you  please 
I've  never  smuggled  yet,  and  I  am  not  agoin'  now  to  commence 
at  my  time  of  life.  As  soon  as  he  got  the  candle,  and  was 
agoin'  down  to  the  cellar  with  Gates,  I  called  out  to  Ichabod. 
Here,  says  I,  Ich,  run  quick,  for  your  life— now's  your  time ; 
find  off  we  ran  up  stairs  as  fast  as  we  cojid  leg  it,  find  locke.I 
sarchrr  hoorin'  that,  up  too  and  arlcr  ut  lioi 


thr:  d 


00  r 


fhc 


I '}  ■» 


188 


THE    CLOCKMAKER. 


I 


foot,  and  bust  open  the  door.  As  soon  as  we  heerd  him  adorn 
of  that,  we  out  o'  the  other  door  and  locked  that  also,  and 
down  the  back  stairs  to  wherflfwejtarted  from.  It  was  some 
time  afore  he  broke  in  the  seaMMoor,  and  then  he  follered 
us  down,  lookin'  like  a  proper^sSl.  I'll  pay  you  up  for  this, 
said  he  to  me.  I  hope  so,  said  I,  and  Ichabod  too.  A  pretty 
time  o'  day  this,  when  folks  can  tare  and  race  over  a  decent 
nian's  house,  and  smash  all  afore  him  this  way  for  nothin', 
ain't  it  ?  Them  doors  you  broke  all  to  pieces  will  come  to 
Bomethin',  you  may  depend ; — a  joke  is  a  joke,  but  thats  nc 
joke.  Arter  that  he  took  his  time,  sarched  the  cellar,  upper 
rooms,  lower  rooms,  and  garret,  and  found  nothin'  to  seize  i 
he  was  all  cut  up,  and  amazin'  vexed,  and  put  out.  Says  I, 
friend,  if  you  want  to  catch  a  weasel  you  must  catch  hiRn 
asleep ;  now  if  you  want  to  catch  me  asmugglin',  rise  con- 
siderable  airly  in  the  mornin',  will  you  ?  This  story  made 
Ichabod's  fortin  a'most :  he  had  smuggled  goods  to  sell  fo' 
three  years,  and  yet  no  one  could  find  him  in  the  act,  or  tell 
where  onder  the  sun  he  hid  'em  away  to.  At  last  the  secret 
leaked  out,  and  it  fairly  broke  up  smugglin'  on  the  whole 
shore.  That  story  has  done  more  nor  twenty  officers — that's 
a  fact. 

There's  nothin'  a'most,  said  the  Clockmaker,  I  like  so  much 
as  to  see  folks  cheat  themselves.     I  don't  know  as  I  ever 
cheated  a  man  myself  in  my  life :  I  like  to  do  things  above 
board  handsum',  and  go  strait  ahead ;  but  if  a  chap  seems 
bent  on  cheatin'  himself,  I  like  to  be  neighbourly,  and  help 
him  to  do  it.     I  mind  once,  when  I  was  to  the  eastward  of 
Halifax  atradin',  I  bought  a  young  horse  to  use  while  I  gave 
Old  Clay  a  run  to  grass.     I  do  that  most  every  fall,  and  it 
does  the  poor  old  critter  a  deal  of  good.     He  kinder  seems  to 
take  a  new  lease  every  time,  it  sets  him  up  so.     Well,  he  was 
a  most  especial  horse,  but  he  had  an  infarnal  temper,  and  it 
required   all  my  knowledge  of  horse  flesh  to  manage  him. 
He'd  kick,  sulk,  back,  bite,  refuse  to  draw,  or  run  away,  gist 
as  he  took  the  notion.     I  mastered  him,  but  it  was  gist  as 
much  as  a  bargain  too ;  and  I  don't  believe,  tho'  I  say  it  my- 
self, there  is  any  other  gentleman  in  the  province  could  have 
managed  him  but  me.     Well,  there  was  a  parson  livin'  down 
there  that  took  a  great  fancy  to  that  horse.     Whenever  he 
seen  me  adrivin'  by  he  always  stor>t  to  Innk  at  h\^.  action  and 
gait,  and  admired  him  amazin'ly.     Thinks  I  to  myself,  thai 


A    CURB    POR   SMU0674NO. 


IM 


cAeat  himselA  and  ,f  he  is,  there  is  no  help  for  it,  as  I  see,  but 
to  let  h.m.  One  day  I  was  adrivin'  out  at  a  most  a  duce  of  a 
siae,  and  he  stopped  me.  Wallo !  says  he,  Mr.  Slick  where 
are  you  agoin'  in  such  a  desperate  hJrry  ?  I  wa„  to  rpeak 
a  word  to  you.     So  I  pulls  up  short.    MorninS  says  I  paTon, 

how  do  VOU  do  tr».«1jiv?      Tkof'^  ^ I  ',     •'     *»  K"**""! 


he.    Middhn',  says  I ;  he  does  my  work,  but  he's  m  thin' 


to\r«!*         u      ■'  f  ^'  '  '  "^  ^°^  "»y  ^«'"'^'  ^"t  he's  m  thm' 

o  brag  on;  he  ain't  g.st  equal  to  Old  Clay,  and  I  doubt  if 

Uicre  s  are  a  blue-nose  horse  that  is  either.    Ipine  action  that 

^rfin.  «M  '•    ufllV\^'  P""P'^  ^°  '^y  he  has  consider. 

1L!T  '.^""^  *^^''  ^"^"^  ^^'^  himself  than  me,  for  it 

makes  him  travel  easier. 

How  many  miles  will  he  trot  in  the  hour  ?  said  he.  Well, 
says  I,  If  he  has  a  mind  to  and  is  well  managed,  he  can  do 
fifteen  handsum       Will  you  sell  him  ?  said  hi.     Well,  said 

'  sS'     r"^^  """  ^'^'.^"^  ""^  '«  y«" '  '^^  ^^"th  is  said 
I,  smilin ,  I  have  a  regard  for  ministers;  the  best  friend  I  ever 

I  woZn^l/  r^'^?^  ^""'^r  Hopewell,  of  Slickville,  and 
OhTitH^l  ..^  horse  to  one  I  didn't  think  would  suit  him. 
Uh !  said  he,  the  horse  would  suit  me  exactly ;  I  like  him 
amazm;iy:  what's  your  price?    FiCty  pounds^o  any  body 

fot?V'  ^1'  ^^^  •^^"  n/^"'  P^^"'^^"'  ^'  ^  d°"'t  want  you 
to  have  him  at  no  price.     If  he  didn't  suit  you,  people  would 

say  I  cheated  you,  and  cheatin'  a  parson  is,  1^7  S 

pret  y  much  of  a  piece  with  robbin'  of  a  churcr  S 

would  think  considerable  harc^  of  me  sellin'  you  a  horse  2t 

rttv^T/Hi!!^"g'^?^  J  ^^^-"l^'n't  blame^them  one  morse 

^   hey  did.     Why,  what's   the  matter  of  him  ?  said   he. 

^fil7^  I.  minister  says  I,  alarfin'  right  out,  every  thing  is 

he  niatter  of  him.     Oh !  said  he,  that's  all  nonsense ;  I've 

seen  the  horse  m  your  hands  often,  and  desire  no  better.   Well. 

ZllL      %     ^•""/.w^y  ^ith  3.0U  if  he  gets  a  chance,  to  a 

sa^tainty.     I  w.l    drive  him  with  a  curb,  said  he.     H^  will 

kick  says  I      I'll  put  a  back  strap  on  him,  said  he.     He  will 

go  backwards  faster  than  forward,  said  I.     I  will  give  him 

ik/„n^  T     T^  ^""  ^^"^''  '^y^  h^'     Well,  says  I,  larfin' 

chanl^nr  Ik^;  ^^  Tu    ^u^'  ^"  sometimes.     I'll  take  my 

nnnn^      w  n '  '^'^  ^ '    ^"^   ^^^  "^"^^  take  off  that  five 

pounds.     Well,  says  I,  parson,  I  don't  want  to  >^\l  .«..  fK« 

must,  and  I  wd  subtract  the  five  pounds  on  one  condiiion,  a„  J 


140 


THK   GLOCKMAKER. 


that  is,  if  you  don't  like  the  beast,  you  tell  folks  that  you 
would  have  him,  tho'  I  tried  to  set  him  out  as  bad  as  I  could 
and  said  every  thing  of  him  I  could  lay  my  tongue  to.    Well, 
says  he,  the  horse  is  mine,  and  if  he  don't  suit  me,  I  acquit 
you  of  all  blame. 

Well,  he  took  the  horse,  and  cracked  and  boasted  most  pro- 
digiously of  him ;  he  said  he  wouldn't  like  to  take  a  hundred 
pounds  for  him ;  that  he  liked  to  buy  a  horse  of  a  Yankee^ 
for  they  were  such  capital  judges  of  horse  flesh  they  hardly 
ever  a'most  had  a  bad  one,  and  that  he  knew  he  was  agoin'  to 
get  a  first  chop  one,  the  moment  he  found  I  didn't  want  to  sell 
him,  and  that  he  never  saw  a  man  so  loath  to  part  with  a 
beast.  Oh  dear !  how  I  larfed  in  my  sleeve  when  I  heerd  tell 
of  the  goney  talkin'  such  nonsense :  thinks  I,  he'll  live  to  larn 
yet  some  things  that  ain't  writ  down  in  Latin  afore  he  dies,  or 
I'm  mistakened — that's  all.  In  the  course  of  a  few  days  the 
horse  began  to  find  he'd  changed  hands,  and  he  thought  he'd 
try  what  sort  o'  stuff  his  new  master  was  made  on ;  so  he  gist 
took  the  bit  in  his  mouth  one  fine  mornin'  and  ran  off  with 
him,  and  kicked  his  gig  all  to  flinders,  and  nearly  broke  the 
parson's  neck ;  and  findin'  that  answer,  he  took  to  all  his 
old  tricks  ag'in,  and  got  worse  than  ever.  He  couldn't  do 
nothin'  with  him,— even  the  helps  were  frightened  out  of  their 
lives  to  go  into  the  stable  to  him. 

So  he  come  to  me  one  day  lookin'  quite  streaked,  and  says 
he,  Mr.  Slick,  that  horse  I  bought  of  you  is  a  perfect  divil ;  1 
never  saw  such  a  critter  in  my  life ;  I  can  neither  ride  him 
nor  drive  him.  He  gist  does  what  he  pleases  with  us,  and  we 
can't  help  ourselves  no  how.  He  actilly  beats  all  the  onruly 
animals  I  ever  seed  in  my  life.  Well,  says  I,  I  told  you  so, 
minister — I  didn't  want  to  sell  him  to  you  at  all;  but  you 
would  have  him.  I  know  you  did,  said  he ;  but  you  larfed  so 
all  the  time  I  thought  you  was  in  jeest.  I  thought  you  didn't 
care  to  sell  him,  and  gist  said  so  to  put  me  off,  jokin'  hke:  I 
had  no  idee  you  were  in  airnest :  I  wouldn't  give  ten  pounds 
for  him.  Nor  I  neither,  said  I ;  I  wouldn't  take  him  as  a  gift, 
and  be  bound  to  keep  him.  How  could  you  then,  said  he, 
have  the  conscience  to  ax  me  fifty  pounds  for  him,  and  pocket 
11  so  coolly  ?  To  prevent  you  from  buyin'  him,  parson,  said 
I,  that  was  my  reason.  I  did  all  I  could  for  you;  I  axed 
you  five  times  as  much  as  he  was  worth  and  said  all  I  could 
Jhmk  on  to  run  him  down  too ;  but  you  took  yourself  in 


A    CURE    FOR    SMUQOLING.  i^j 

i  fook  it  so ;  yiu  may  caU  hwhlf        Tm"  'T^'"^  '"  >««^  a»d 
ception  still    ^PaZl  savs      hn^  ^''^     '"'  ^"'  '  "'^^  '^  ^  ^e- 

that's  the  tiuewalftoldtouTh;?^^^^^  k"''  ""'^  ""^'  «"<J 
to  believe  it      Now    savs  fir?  I'   >  ^"'  ^^^  ^'^»''  <^hoose 
but  I'll  tell  you  ho^r  i'  outi' the''  ""^  '?^  y*'"  ^«« 
him  back,  or  folk,  ^^.^^f  1"!^ .^  ^^^  ^^''"P^-     I  can't  take 


if  you  do  no  soul  would  tkhm'  '''""  ^"  ^.'^  ^«"'*« '  «"d 
believe  you,  tho'  it  seel  tt.  V  P'^'^"^'  ^""^  P«°P'e  will 
maker.  GistVend  hi  off  to^hTw  ^[^1' .^^'^'^  ^  ^lock. 
«  there  for  what^l^  f  ^!?  ^"fe' «"d  -11  hin, 


own,  or  you  will  cheJZLlf  "T ''  ''"'"'*  *"^*'^  ^'^  3/''«'- 
tlmt  case,  said  he,  laVfin'  nil  '  '"u^'  ^''^  "''^  *'^'»-  ^n 
either  way :  how  s  he  to  ITI"  ""''^  ^.  '"^^  ^°  ^  ^^^^^^ed 
Well,  says  I  he  standi  1  /"'''■f  ^S^"  '^^'^    ^aken  in,  then? 

there  is  nothin'  so^eceitfir««T      '/°'u"f  ^  '°  ^^'^^^  J^^nd 
Both  on  'emare  aol  to  L  i  ^l^^^^^'^^b  that  ever  I  seed  yet. 

puzzle  the  bes?juC  so^elt^^  both  on  L 

vamped  up,  and  it  tfkL  rr^lT  r'""  ^^^''  ^^^  ^'^^^  ^e" 
tricks.  Pedigre^  Zll  ^Z  ^'T/^'''^  ^^^  ^"^  «"t  «"  ^beir 
tarly  on  the  SerT  d^ a "h"!! '°  '"  -^^^  ^^^^«'  P^^ticu- 
steady  hand,  and  carefd  ^  '^v  'Tf.'  k^°°^  *'*«•"'«''  ^ 
great  experience,  and  Se  moffkn J^ ''  ^'^  "^^""^"^  ^^^"^^« 
times  mSst  beautifully      W.I  u  ''"^^  ''^  ^^^  ^^^  ^o^^^- 

how  is  a  .an  totollfbeinT    S  5?^?.' 

you—never  buy  a  horse  of  «  fnfJ  ♦  ^  ''  ^^y^*  ^'  '  ''  ^«" 
never  buy  a  hori  of  „  Ll  '^^"8^'  °"  "«  account,— 
he's  the  v^ery  man  I  shoufd  I  k  "'r'/'''-7-     ^^y'  ^^'^  be. 

Well,  then,  Ja^s  I.  het  „it  the  ''  ?^  '^'  "'^^'^  '^^  ^^h^^-^' 
vni.  fhir,!,  ',../.;'    ^.?  "?^*06  man  for  nny  monev  anvh^u,. 

gramea .  you  are  apt  to  cheat  yourself 


142 


THE   CLOCKMAKER. 


in  that  case.  Never  buy  a  crack  horse ;  he's  done  too  much 
Never  buy  a  colt ;  he's  done  too  little ;  you  can't  tell  how 
he'll  turn  out.  In  short,  says  I,  it's  a  considerable  of  a  long 
story  to  go  all  through  with  it ;  it  would  take  me  less  time  to 
teach  you  how  to  make  a  clock,  I  calculate.  If  you  buy  from 
a  man  who  ain't  a  dealer,  he  actilly  don't  know  whether  his 
horse  is  a  good  one  or  not ;  you  must  get  advice  from  a  friend 
who  does  know.  If  you  buy  from  a  dealer,  he's  too  much  for 
you  or  your  friend  either.  If  he  has  no  honour,  don't  trade 
with  him.  If  he  has,  put  yourself  wholly  and  entirely  on  it, 
and  he'll  not  deceive  you,  there's  no  mistake — he'll  do  the 
thing  genteel.  If  you'd  a'  axed  me  candidly  now  about  that 
are  horse,  says  I. — At  that  he  looked  up  at  me  quite  hard  for 
a  space,  without  sayin'  a  word,  but  pressed  his  lips  togethei 
quite  miffy  like,  as  if  he  was  a  strivin'  for  to  keep  old  Adam 
down,  and  turned  short  off  and  walked  away.  I  felt  kinder 
pity  for  him  too ;  but  if  a  man  will  cheat  himself  in  spite  of 
all  you  can  do,  why  there  is  no  help  for  it  as  I  see,  but  to  let 
him.     Do  you,  squire  ? 


CHAPTER  XVIII. 

TAKING  OFF  THE  FACTORY  LADIES. 

There  are  few  countries  in  the  world,  squire,  said  the 
Clockmaker,  got  such  fine  water  powers  as  these  provinces ; 
but  the  folks  don't  make  no  use  of  'em,  tho'  the  materials  for 
factories  are  spread  about  in  abundance  everywhere.  Perhaps 
the  whole  world  might  be  stumped  to  produce  such  a  factory 
stancTas  Niagara  Falls  ;  what  a  nation  sight  of  machinery  that 
would  carry,  wouldn't  it  ? — supply  all  Birmingham  almost. 

The  first  time  I  returned  from  there,  minister  said,  Sam, 
said  he,  have  you  seen  the  falls  of  Niagara  1  Yes,  sir,  said 
I,  I  guess  I  have.  Well,  said  he,  ain't  it  a'most  a  grand  sight 
that  ?  I  guess  it  is  a  scite,  says  I,  and  it  would  be  a  grand 
spec  to  get  up  a  joint  stock  company  for  factory  purposes,  for 
Buch  another  place  for  mills  ain't  to  be  found  atween  the  poles. 
Oh  dear !  said  I,  only  think  of  the  cardin'  mills,  fullin'  mills, 
cotton  mills,  grain  mills,  saw  mills,  plaster  mills,  and  gracious 
knows  what  sort  o'  mills  might  be  put  up  there,  and  never  iuil 


TAKING   Orr   THE   FACTORY   LADIES. 


143 


for  water ;  any  fall  you  like,  and  any  power  you  want,  and 
yet  them  goneys  the  British  let  all  run  away  to  waste.     Ilfs  a 
dreiidful  pity,  ain't  it  ?     Oh  Sam  I  said  he,— and  he  jumped  as 
if  he  was  bit  by  a  sarpent  right  up  an  eend, — now  don't  talk 
so  profane,  my  sakesi — dont  talk  so  sacrilegipus.     How  that 
dreadful  thirst  o'  gain  has  absorbed  all  other  feelins'  in  our 
people,  when  such  an  idea  could  be  entertained  for  a  moment. 
It's  a  grand  spectacle, — it's  the  voice  of  natur'  in  the  wilder- 
ness, proclaimin'  to  the  untutored  tribes  thereof  the  power  and 
majesty  and  glory  of  God.     It  is  consecrated  by  the  visible 
impress  of  the  great  invisible  architect.     It  is  sacred  ground — 
a  temple  not  made  by  hands.     It  cannot  be  viewed  without 
fear  and  tremblin',  nor  contemplated  without  wonder  and  awe. 
It  proclaims  to  man,  as  to  Moses  of  old,  "  Draw  not  nigh 
hither,  put  off  thy  shoes  from  off  thy  feet,  for  the  place  where 
thou  standest  is  holy  ground."     He  who  appeared  in  a  flame 
of  fire  in  the  bush,  and  the  bush  was  not  consumed,  appears 
also  in  the  rush  of  water,  and  the  water  diminishes  not.     Talk 
not  to  me  of  mills,  ractories,  and  machinery,  sir,  nor  of  intro- 
ducin'  the  moneychangers  into  the  temple  of  the  Lord.    Talk 
not. — You  needn't  go,  said  I,  minister,  for  to  work  yourself 
up  that  way  ag'in  me,  I  do  assure  you,  for  I  didn't  mean  to 
say  anything  out  o'  the  way  at  all,  so  come  now.     And  now 
you  do  mention  it,  says  I,  it  does  seem  kinder  grand-like — 
that  are  great  big  lake  does  seem  like  an  everlastin'  large  miik 
pan  with  a  lip  for  pourin'  at  the  falls,  and  when  it  does  fall 
head  over  heels,  all  white  froth  and  spray  like  Phoebe's  sylla- 
bub, it  does  look  grand,  no  doubt,  and  it's  nateral  for  a  minister 
to  think  on  it  as  you  do ;  but  still  for  all  that,  for  them  that 
ain't  preachers,  I  defy  most  any  man  to  see  it  without  thinkin' 
of  a  cotton  mill. 

Well,  Well,  said  he,  awavin'  of  his  hand ;  say  no  more  about 
It,  and  he  walked  into  his  study  and  shut  to  the  door.  Ho 
warn't  like  other  men,  minister.  He  was  full  of  crotchets  that 
way,  and  the  sight  of  the  sea,  a  grrat  storm,  a  starry  sky,  or 
even  a  mere  ftower,  would  make  him  fly  right  off  at  the  handle 
that  way  when  you  warn't  a  thinkin'  on  it  at  all ;  and  yet  foi 
all  that  he  was  the  most  cheerful  critter  I  ever  seed,  and  nothin' 
a'most  pleased  him  so  much  as  to  see  young  folks  enjoyin' 
themselves  as  merry  as  crickets.  He  used  to  say  that  youth, 
innocence,  and  cheerfulness  was  what  was  meant  by  the  three 
graces,     it  was  a  curious  kink,  loo,  he  took  about  them  fails, 


I4i 


TRID  OLOCMJfAKBRr 


warn't  it  T  for^  artcr  all,  atween  you  and  me,  it's  notbin*  bu. 
a  river  taken  over  a  cliff  ftill  split,  instead  of  runnin'  down 
hill  the  old  way :— I  never  hear  tell  of  'em  I  don't  think  of 
that  tantrum  of  him. 

Our  factories  in  New  England  are  one  of  the  best  fruits  of 
tlie  last  war,  squire,  said  he  j  they  are  actillv  worth  seein'. 
I  know  I  have  r  .:-'*n  to  spjak  well  of  'em  any  how,  for  it 
was  them  gavf  ■  r  first  start  in  life,  and  a  pleasant  start 
It  was  too,  a&  we;  a  profitable  one.  I  spent  upwards  of  a 
year  there  among  the  galls,  atakin'  of  them  off  in  the  portrait 
line,  and  in  that  time  I  cleared  three  hundred  pounds  of  your 
money  good :  it  warn't  so  bad  that,  was  it  ? 

When  I  was  down  to  Rhode  Island  larnin'  bronain',  grldin', 
and  sketchin'  for  the  clock  business,  I  worked  at  odd  times  for 
the  Honourable  Eli  Wad,  a  foundationalist— a  painting  for 
him.  A  foundationalist,  said  I ;  what  is  that  ?— is  it  a  religious 
sect?  No,  said  he,  it's  a  bottom  maker.  He  only  made 
bottoms,  he  didn't  make  arms  and  legs,  and  he  sold  these 
wooden  bottoms  to  the  chair-makers.  He  did  'em  by  a  sarcu- 
lar  saw  and  a  turnin'  lathe,  and  he  turned  'em  off  amazin' 
(juick  ;  he  made  a  fortin'  out  of  the  invention,  for  he  shipped 
em  to  every  part  of  the  Union.  The  select  men  objected  to 
his  sign  of  bottom  maker ;  they  said  it  didn't  sound  pretty, 
and  he  altered  it  to  foundationalist^  That  was  one  cause  the 
speck  turned  out  so  well,  for  every  one  that  seed  it  a'most 
stopt  to  inquire  what  it  meant,  and  it  brought  his  patent  into 
great  vogue;  many's  the  larf  folks  had  over  that  sign, 
I  tell  you. 

So,  said  he,  when  I  had  done,  Slick,  said  he,  you've  a  con 
siderable  of  a  knack  with  the  brush,  it  would  be  a  grand 
speck  for  you  to  go  to  Lowell  and  take  off  the  factory  ladies : 
you  know  what  the  women  are,— most  all  on  'em  will  want  to 
have  their  likeness  taken.  The  whole  art  of  portrnit  paintin', 
says  he,  as  far  as  my  observation  goes,  lies  in  a  free  sketch 
of  the  leadin'  featur.'  Give  it  good  measure:  do  you  take? 
No,  savs  I,  I  don't  onderstand  one  word  of  it.  Well,  says  he, 
what  I  mean  is  this;  see  what  the  leadin'  feature  is,  and 
exaggerate  that,  and  you  have  a  striking  likeness.  If  the 
nose  is  largo,  gist  make  it  a  little  more  so ;  if  there  is  a  slight 
cast  o'  the  eye,  give  it  a  squint ;  a  strong  line  in  the  face, 
deepen  it;  a  big  mouth,  enlarge  it;  a  set  smile,  make  it 
a  smirk ;  a  high  cheek  honp.  ununrn  it  nut  iwoii      Pf>/^;.>..n^o{« 


■WKM 


mmm 


notbin*  bu. 
nnin'  down 
't  think  of 

St  fruits  or 
»rth  seein'. 
how,  for  It 
amnt  start 
war  da  of  a 
he  portrait 
ds  of  your 

n',  grltiin', 
cl  times  for 
liming  for 
a  religious 
mly  made 
sold  these 
y  a  sarcu* 
ff  amazin' 
le  shipped 
)bjected  to 
nd  pretty, 
!  cause  the 
I  it  a'most 
latent  into 
that   sign, 

've  a  con 
3  a  grand 
iry  ladies: 
ill  want  to 
it  paintin', 
•ee  sketch 
^'ou  take? 
,  says  he, 
re  is,  and 
5.  If  the 
is  a  slight 
the  face, 
,  make  it 


TAKING  OPP   THB   PACTORY   LADIES.  146 

.his  by  paintia'  the  rest  o'  the  face  a  little  handsomer,  and  you 
have  It  complete :  you'll  never  fail-there's  no  mistake  Dead 
^o  onn',  w.  h  lots  of  varnish,  will  do  for  that  market  and  six 

nr^"  vr  ^;^  p'^^^r^  ^^  ^^^  the  vr  J:ii  fo?tr 

a  f^t  bill  ^°WM  V"'".""^'  f.  ^^"  ^'^  y°"  "^y  ^'^  for 

a  h^r  -that  Jh^J  ^"  "",^"  '^y'  ^^  •  '^^'''  ^^'  ««^  to 
anvwhi;;  ?h«»  f^^  ^""^""'^V  y^"  ^°"^^  ^«»  that  mouth 
anywhere,  that  smile  you  could  swear  to  as  far  as  vou  can 
«ee  ,t,---,t's  a'most  a  beautiful  likeness.     She's  taken  off  com" 

find  itT-fcw      ^^^r  ^''J  "^l  ^^"^'  """^  ^'"»  ^t^'inJ^i"'  you'd 

«n?"/'  ?T'  ^*y^  ^^^  ?P""'"*  of  his  hand  on  my  shoulder 
and  lookm'  me  strong  in  the  face,  mind  your  eye,  my  boy  ' 

cTar  h'a^dt  foof  %t"^  "  ^'^  deep  -^3,'^  ^o^u  S 
Clear  hand  or  foot.     There  are  some  plaguy  pretty  galls  there 

don'tTeT'e^"  J:.!  'T  "^^"^  ^  consiSertbl^ouTsum  to^'.! 

n1  :^^h'^'  ^- "'  ""''^  fi^\.h"«dred  pair  of  pi^tty^Iittle  gcSd- 
natured  longm  eyes  on  him,  is  in  a  fair  Way  o'  gettin'  his 
fl  nt  fixed,  I  tell  you.  Marriage  won't  do  for  you,  my  heartj! 
llfr  "^'^  ''^  •  ^^""'^  ^"^  '"^'^^  somethin' haidsumV  •?<; 

marry  both  young  and  poor  is  downright  madness ;  so  hands 
off,  says  you  ;  love  to  a«,  but  none  in  partikilar.  Cf  you  find 
yourself  aget  i' spooney,  throw  brush  pallet,  and  paint  over 
he  falls,  and  off  full  split ;  change  of  air  and  scene  to  cure 
lo>e,  consumption,  or  the  blues,  must  be  taken  airly  in  the 
disease    or  it's  no  good.     An  ounce  o'  prevention  is  worth 

irZ,  t  Tvf-  1  ^"^"^'''  ^«°'  ^hen  you  are  married,  you 
are  tied  by  the  leg,  Sam;  like  one  of  our  sodger  disarters 
IZ  rtu^  ""^^'"^  adanglin'  to  your  foot,  with  a  plaguy  heavy 

t  LS        y^"/^«  t  ^^^--y  't  with  yoi.-,  and  you  can't  leave 
It  behind  you,  and  you  can't  do  nothin'  with  it, 

if  you  think  you  can  trust  yourself,  go;  if  not,  stay  where 

.hm  of  human  natur'  when  you  leave  Lowell.  I  estimnt..  f.r 
ine/ii  lam  you  how  to  cut  your  eye-teeth  them  galls    "yiuMi 


Ny 


146 


TUB   OLOCKMARRR. 


Bee  how  wonderful  the  ways  of  woman-kind  is,  for  they  do 
beat  all — that's  sartain.  Well,  down  I  went  to  Lowell,  and 
arter  a  day  or  two  spent  a  visitin'  the  factories,  and  gettin* 
introduced  to  the  ladies,  I  took  a  room  and  sot  up  my  easel, 
and  I  had  as  much  work  as  ever  I  could  cleverly  turn  my 
hand  to.  Most  every  gall  in  the  place  had  her  likeness  taken ; 
some  wanted  'em  to  send  to  home,  some  to  give  to  a  sweet- 
heart to  admire,  and  some  to  hang  up  to  admire  themselves. 
The  best  of  the  joke  was,  every  gall  had  an  excuse  for  bein' 
there.  They  all  seemed  as  if  they  thought  it  warn't  quite 
genteel,  a  little  too  much  in  the  help  style.  One  said  she 
came  for  the  benefit  of  the  lectur's  at  the  Lyceum,  another  to 
carry  a  little  sister  to  dancin'  school,  and  a  third  to  assist  the 
fund  for  foreign  missions,  and  so  on,  but  none  on  'em  to  work. 
Some  on  'em  lived  in  large  buildings  belongin'  to  the  factory, 
and  others  in  Utile  cottages — three  or  four  in  a  house. 

I  recollect  two  or  three  days  arter  I  arrived,  I  went  to  call 
on  Miss  Naylor,  I  knew  down  to  Squantum,  and  she  axed  me 
to  come  and  drink  tea  with  her  and  the  two  ladies  that  lived 
with  her.  So  in  the  evenin'  I  put  on  my  bettermost  clothes 
and  went  down  to  tea.  This,  says  she,  introducin'  of  me  to 
the  ladies,  is  Mr.  Slick,  a  natice  artist  of  great  promise,  and 
one  that  is  self-taught  too,  that  is  come  to  take  us  off;  and  this 
is  Miss  Jemima  Potts  of  Milldum,  in  Umbagog ;  and  this  is 
Miss  Binah  Dooly,  a  lady  from  Tndgian  Scalp,  Varmont.  Your 
sarvant,  ladies,  says  I ;  I  hopt  I  see  you  well.  Beautiful  fac- 
tory  this,  it  whips  English  all  holler ;  our  free  and  enlightened 
citizens  have  exhibited  so  much  skill,  and  our  intelligent  and 
enterprisin'  ladies,  says  I,  (with  a  smile  and  a  bow  to  each.) 
so  much  science  and  taste,  that  1  reckon  we  might  stump  tha 
univarsal  world  to  ditto  Lowell.  It  sartainlv  is  one  of  the 
wonders  of  the  world,  says  Miss  Jemima  Potts  •  it  is  astonish- 
ing how  jealous  the  English  are,  it  makes  'em  so  ryled  they 
can't  bear  to  praise  it  at  all.  There  was  one  on  'em  agoin'  thro' 
the  large  cotton  factory  to-day  with  Judge  Beler,  and,  says 
the  Judge  to  him,  now  don't  this  astonish  you  ?  said  he ;  don't 
it  exceed  any  idea  you  could  have  formed  of  it  ?  you  must 
allow  there  is  nothin'  like  it  in  Europe,  and  yet  this  is  only  in 
it's  infancy — it's  only  gist  begun.  Come  now,  confess  the 
fact,  don't  you  feel  that  the  sun  of  England  is  set  for  ever  ?— 
her  glory  departed  to  set  up  its  standard  in  the  new  world  1 
Speak  candidly  now,  for  I  should  like  to  hear  what  you  think 


TAKING  Orr  THE  FACTORY  LADIES. 


147 


It  certainly  is  a  respectable  effort  for  a  young  country  with  a 
.hin  population,  said  he,  and  a  limited  capital  and  is  credita- 
bio  to  the  skill  and  enterprise  of  New  England ;  but  as  for 
rivalry,  it  s  wholly  out  of  the  question,  and  he  looked  as  mad 
as  it  he  could  aswallered  a  wild-cat  alive.  Well,  well,  said 
the  Judge,  larfin',  for  he  is  a  sweet-tempered,  dear  man,  and 
the  politest  one  too  I  ever  knew,  I  don't  altogether  know  as  it 
18  ^rust  fair  to  ask  you  to  admit  a  fact  so  humblin'  to  your 
national  pride,  and  so  morfifyin'  to  your  feelins'  as  an  En- 
glishmun;  but  I  can  easily  conceive  how  thunderstruck  you 
must  have  been  on  enterin'  this  town  at  it=i  prodigious  power. 
Us  great  capacity,  its  wonderful  promise.  It's  generally  allow- 
ed to  be  the  first  thing  of  the  kind  in  the  world.  But  what  are 
you  alookin'  at,  Mr.  Slick?  said  she;  is  there  anything  on 
my  cheek?  I  was  only  athinkin',  says  I,  how  difficult  it 
would  be  to  paint  such  almost  a  beautiful  complexion,  to  infuse 
into  It  the  sollnesg  and  richness  of  natur's  colorin' ;  I'm  most 
afeerd  it  would  be  beyond  my  art— that's  a  fact. 

Oh,  you  artists  do  flatter  so,  said  she ;  tho'  flattery  is  a  part 
of  your  profession  I  do   believe;  but  I'm  e'en   a'most  sure 
there  is  somethm'  or  another  on  my  face,-and  she  got  up 
and  looked  into  the  glass  to  satisfy  herself.     It  would  a'  done 
you  good,  squire,  to  see  how  it  did  satisfy  her  too.    How  many 
ot  the  ladies  have  you  taken  off?  said  Miss  Dooly.     I  have 
only  painted  three  said  I,  yet;  but  I  have  thirty  bespoke. 
How  xvould  you  like  to  be  painted,  said  I,  miss  ?    On  a  white 
horse,  said  she,  accompanyin'  of  my  father,  the  general,  to 
the  review.    And  you,  said  I,  Miss  Naylor  ?   Astudyin'  Judge 
Naylor,  niy  uncle's  specimens,  said  she,  in  the  library.    Says 
Miss  Jemima,  I  should  like  to  be  taken  off  in  my  brother's 
barge.     What  is  he?  said  I,  for  he  would  have  to  have  his 
umform  on.     He?  said  she;— why,  he  is  a— and  she  looked 
away  and  coloured  up  like  anything— he's  an  officer,  sir,  said 
she,  m  one  of  our  national  ships.  Yes,  miss,  said  I,  I  know  that : 
but  otficers  are  dressed  accordin'  to  their  grade,  you  know  in 
our  sarvic^.     We  must  give  him  the  right  dress.     What  is 
his  grade?    The  other  two  ladies  turned  round  and  ciggled 
and  miss  Jeminria  hung  down  her  head  and  looked  f^lish. 
Says  Miss  Naylor,  why  don't  you  tell  him,  dear?     No,  says 
she,  I  won  t ;  do  you  tell  him.    No,  indeed,  said  Miss  NayloV , 
he  IS  not  my  brother  :  you  ought  to  know  best  what  he  is ;- 


do  you  tell  him  vonrself 


-  -I,  j-ju.  n.uc7w  Tcry  weii,  IVir.  SiiCK. 


148 


THE    CLOCKMAKSk. 


said  she,  only  you  make  as  if  you  didn't,  to  poke  tun  at  me 
and  make  me  say  it.  I  hope  I  may  be  shot  if  I  do,  says  I, 
miss ;  I  never  heerd  tell  of  him  afore,  and  if  he  is  an  officer 
in  our  navy,  there  is  one  thing  I  can  tell  you,  says  I,  you 
needn't  be  ashamed  to  call  one  of  our  naval  heroes  your 
brother,  nor  to  tell  his  grade  neither,  for  there  ain't  an  office 
in  the  sarvice  that  ain't  one  of  honour  and  glory.  The  British 
can  whip  all  the  world,  and  we  can  whip  the  British. 

Well,  says  she,  alookin'  down  and  takin'  up  her  handker- 
chief, and  turnin'  it  eend  for  eend  to  read  the  marks  in  the 
corner  of  it,  to  see  if  it  was  hern  or  not, — if  I  must,  then  I 
suppose  I  must ;  he's  a  rooster  swain  then,  but  it's  a  shame 
to  make  me.  A  rooster  swain  !  says  I ;  well,  I  vow  I  nevei 
heerd  that  grade  afore  in  all  my  born  days  ;  I  hope  I  may  die 
if  I  did.  What  sort  of  a  swain  is  a  rooster  swain  ?  How 
you  do  act,  Mr.  Slick,  said  she ;  ain't  you  ashamed  of  your- 
self? Do,  for  gracious  sake,  behave,  and  not  carry  on  so 
like  Old  Scratch.  You  are  goin'  too  far  now  ;  ain't  he.  Miss 
Naylor  ?  Upon  my  word  I  don't  know  what  you  mean,  said 
Miss  Naylor,  affectin'  to  look  as  innocent  as  a  female  fox ; 
I'm  not  used  to  sea-tarms,  and  I  don't  onderstand  it  no  more 
than  he  does ;  and  Miss  Dooly  got  up  a  book,  and  began  to 
read  and  rock  herself  backward  and  forward  in  a  chair,  as 
regilar  as  a  Mississippi  sawyer,  and  as  demure  as  you  please. 
Well,  thinks  I,  what  onder  the  sun  can  she  mean  ?  for  I  can't 
make  head  or  tail  of  it.     A  rooster  swain  I — a  rooster  swain  ! 

says  I ;  do  tell Well,  says  she,  you  make  me  feel  quite 

spunky,  and  if  you  don't  stop  this  minnit,  I'll  go  right  out  of 
the  room ;  it  ain't  fair  to  make  game  of  me  so,  and  I  don't 
thank  you  for  it  one  mite  or  morsel.  Says  I,  miss,  I  beg  your 
pa^rdon ;  I'll  take  my  davy  I  didn't  mein  no  offence  at  all ; 
but,  upon  my  word  and  honour,  I  never  heerd  the  word  rooster 
swain  afore,  and  I  don't  mean  to  larf  at  your  brother  or  tease 
you  neither.  Well,  says  she,  I  suppose  you  never  will  ha' 
done,  so  turn  away  your  face  and  I  will  tell  you.  And  she 
got  up  and  turned  my  head  round  with  her  hands  to  the  wall, 
and  the  other  too  ladies  started  out,  and  said  they'd  go  and 
see  arter  the  tea. 

Well,  says  I,  are  you  ready  now,  miss  ?  Yes,  said  she ; — 
a  rooster  swain,  if  you  must  know,  you  wicked  critter  you,  is 
«i  cockswain ;  a  word  you  know'd  well  enough  warn't  fit  for 
a  lady  to  speak :  so  take  that  to  remen'>er  it  by, — and  she 


TAKIKO    Orr   TUB    IAOTO«y    LADI£S.  I49 

iufonhTAot'"°W  M  f  P  °"  ">?  "'<'«  °f  "-e  face,  a,,d  r.„ 
Twin.  '!"','"<>'"•     Well,  I  swear  1  could  hardly  k^  from 

as  tor  squeamishness,  rat  me  if  it  don't  make  me  sick 

ag'in.  Miss  Jpmim«  pTh        sT  u  ^'  ""^  ^g^"  conversation 
cfeam  iuf    win  '  ^^'^  ^^^  '""'^  S"  ««<1  bring  in  the 

I  nTv  ?f;  '  "P  I.  jumps,  and  follers  her  out,  and  savs 

to  do  fhf  T'  ""f '  ^^^'  "P°"  y°"  '•  it  ain't  fair  for  the  lad^s 
to  do  this  when  the  gentlemen  are  by,— is  it  f     Whv  d^dn'f 

Z  dolwarl-H  ^^^°°^^^'  ^'^^  al  theV^hen ll't 
hardi V  rnZ^r     ^  ^'  ""  '°  P'^g"^  narrer,-ain't  it  ?    There's 
th'p?     A^n ""'  ^"^^  ^"  P^^«  ^'th°"t  their  lips  atouchin'  is 
there?     Ain't  you  ashamed?  said  she;  I  believe  vou  havo 
broke  my  comb  in  two.-that's  a  fact  j-bu    don't^  do  that 

^aULalous-  <?n  M  ^^^'^  ^^^y  '"  the  factory,  for  she's 
frieS^sS  t' m-  '^*J"\P^««.po^-  One  more  to  make 
inenas,  said  I,  miss.     Hush !  said  she,— there— let  mp  an  • 

herttrTi  ^,J"^  ''I  "'y  ^^"^'  -d  th;„  wh%pd  up  a  pfate 
herself,  and  back  in  the  parlour  in  no  time.  ^     ^ 

A  curtain,  says  I,  ladies,  (as  I  sot  down  ag'in,)  or  a  book 

So'Teat  tf  °'""/'^*^  ^'^  P*^*"^'  ^"^  i'wou^d  m^ke"  ; 
work  o  great  time  and  expense,  to  do  it  the  way  you  sneak 

v^s  tlltS';ofon'  'Iw  T^'/r'  ''  '""^  -'  ^"^-  "- 
,1.,  ™  '     ."^  ""^  """?•  I  will  say,  three  prettier  facpa 

never  «,a,  seen  painted  on  canvass.  Oh,  Mr.  Slick  savs  h^ 
..owyox  baml-ain't  you  ashamed?  Fac  ,  layLT  adS' 
alW  Z  .I'™™'- =-«/■«=(,  and  no  mistake."  If^you  wouTd 
allow  me,  ladies,  said  I,  to  suesest.  I  think  I,.;,.  aJ^  ... TrT 
long  tortoije-shell  co,™b. with flowe.s on thetop, w;iid"£^^' 


150 


THK   CLOOKMAKBR. 


you,  Miss  Nay  lor,  and  set  off  your  fine  Grecian  face  grand 
A  fashionable  mornin'  cap,  lined  with  pink,  and  trimmed  with 
blue  bows,  would  set  off  your  portrait,  Miss  Dooly,  and 
become  your  splendid  Roman  profile  complete.  And  what  for 
me?  said  Jemima.  If  I  might  be  so  bold,  said  I,  I  would  advise 
leavin'  out  the  comb  in  your  case,  miss,  said  I,  as  you  are  tall, 
and  it  might  perhaps  be  in  the  way,  and  be  broke  in  two,  (and 
I  pressed  her  foot  onder  the  table  with  mire ;)  and  I  would 
throw  the  hair  into  long  loose  nntcral  curls,  and  let  the  neck 
and  shoulders  be  considerable  hart,  to  give  room  for  a  pearl 
necklace,  or  coral  beads,  or  any  little  splendid  ornament  of 
that  kind. — Miss  Jemima  looked  quite  delighted  at  this  idea, 
and,  jumpin'  up,  exclaimed.  Dear  me,  said  she,  I  forgot  the 
sugar-tongs !  I'll  gist  go  and  fetch  'em.  Allow  me,  says  I, 
miss,  foUerin'  her;  but  ain't  it  funny,  Iho',  says  I,  too,  that  we 
should  gist  get  scroudged  ag'in  in  this  very  identical  little 
narrer  door-way, — ain't  it  ?  How  you  act,  said  she ;  now  this 
is  too  bad ;  that  curl  is  all  squashed,  I  declare ;  I  won't  come 
out  ag'in  to-night,  I  vow.  Nor  I  neither  then,  said  I  larfin ; 
let  them  that  wants  things  go  for  'em.  Then  you  couldn't 
introduce  the  specimens,  could  you  ?  said  Miss  Naylor.  The 
judge,  my  uncle,  has  a  beautiful  collection. — When  he  was  in 
business  as  a  master-mason,  he  built  the  great  independent 
Democratic  Sovereignty  Hall  at  Sam  Patchville,  (a  noble 
buildin*  that,  Mr.  Slick, — it's  ginerally  allowed  to  be  the  first 
piece  of  architecture  in  the  world.)  He  always  broke  off  a 
piece  of  every  kind  of  stone  used  in  the  building,  and  it  makes 
a'most  a  complete  collection.  If  I  could  be  taken  off  at  a 
table  astudyin'  and  asortin'  'em  into  primary  formations 
secondary  formations,  and  trap,  I  should  like  it  amazin'ly. 

Well,  says  I,  I'll  do  the  best  I  can  to  please  you,  miss,  foi 
I  never  hear  of  secondary  formations  without  pleasure, — that's 
a  fact.  The  ladies,  you  know,  are  the  secondary  formation, 
for  they  were  formed  arter  man,  and  as  for  trap,  says  I,  if 
they  ain't  up  to  that,  it's  a  pity.  Why,  as  I'm  alive,  said  I, 
if  that  ain'*  the  nine  o'clock  bell :  well,  how  time  has  flowed, 
haiin't  it  ?  I  suppose  I  must  be  amovin',  as  it  is  gettin'  on 
considerable  late,  but  I  must  say  I've  had  a  most  delightful 
evenin'  as  ever  I  spent  in  my  life.  When  a  body,  says  I,  finds 
himself  in  a  circle  of  literary  and  scientific  ladies,  he  takes  no 
mte  of  time,  it  passes  so  smooth  and  quick.  Now,  says  I, 
tadies  excuse  me  for  mentionin'  a  little  hit  of  business,  but  il 


foi 


TAKIWO    Orr   THE    FACTORY    LADIES.  ]6] 

wilh*;!!'  'r  !"^  f  f^^»'°"  ^o>  P«iJ  one-half  in  advance  .  but 
m  h  the  aches  I  d.spense  .  ifh  that  rule,  says  I,  on  one  con! 
dition,— I  receive  a  kiss  as  airnest.    Oh,  Mr.  Slick  savs  ih«v 

ZicTui^r '  ''m  '•"'  r  p'^^"^ '  -y^  '•  ^^^^'^'^^  n  - 

ruble  rule?  aays  thoy.  1  never  deviated  from  it  in  my  life, 
«a.d  I,  espocmlly  where  the  ladies  are  so  beautiful  as  mv  k  nd 

I  pohmTx'  ^'  ""^  ?'''''''  '°'^  «^'^''  '"o^  ondecent!  I  wish 
I  cou  d  tuke  my  pay  altogether  in  that  coin,  said  I.  Well, 
you  11  get  no  such  airnest  from  me,  I  can  tell  you,  said  Miss 
Jemima  and  off  she  sot  ind  darted  out  o'  the  rLm  like  a  kit! 

eir.  ^r'''  ^'''  ^^'  '^'''  ^«"''  >'"•«  »«"er  door  way 
seems  made  on  purpose,  said  I,  don't  it?     Well,  1  hope  yoS 

v^i've  M  "'"''  ''"^  l^^'  y°"  ^"'•^'^^d'  i"^P"dent  critter" 
you  ve  taken  away  my  breath  a'most.     Good  nicht,  ladies 

and  take  us  off  to-morrow  at  intermission.  And,  says  P4iss 
Jemima,  walkin'  out  as  far  as  the  gate  with  me,  whenCS 
Ujr  engaged,  we  shall  be  happy  to  see  you  sociably  to  tea. 

wm  h^iL?'  T'  r^  i'  ^"'y  *  ^'^'  '  «^«"  <^«"  «ftener  than 

will  be  agreeable ;  but,  dear  me  I  says  I,  I've  forgot  somethin' 

dec  are,  and  I  turned  right  about.'  Perhaps  yol,  forgot  it Tn 

backwnr.  ''TK^u'Ty'  ^'^  «»^«'  alarfin'  and  n^teppin' 
backwards,  and  hold.n'  up  both  hands  to  fend  off.     What  is 

vour  hrn^^^'  w^  ''  ''^^'.  ^'""^"^''  ^^^^^  »«">e  you  called 
your  brother.  What  was  it  ?  for  I've  forgot  it,  I  vow  Look 
about  and  find  out,  said  she;  it's  what  you  ahi^t,  and  .^Ter 

nasty,  dirty  ondecent  man,-that's  flat,  and  if  you  don't  like 
It  you  may  lump  it,  so  there  now  for  you-good  night.     But 

2Ve  h^M^"'?'^  '^r  r"  ^"'  ^^'^  ^f^-'  '-''^  Pa^  friends 
and  she  held  out  her  hand.    Gist  as  I  was  agoin'  to  take  it  i 

s  ipt  up  hke  flash  by  my  face,  and  tipt  myLt  off  over  my 

snoulder,  and  as  I  turned  and  stooped  to  pick  it  ud  she^o 

with  her  little  foot  and  let  me  have  it,  and^^tchL  L  rVht 

over  en  my  knees.    It  was  done  as  quick  as  wink.    E^en  and 

ButhTh  '''^  f''  ^^  ^°°^  ^"^»^'  ^'^'^''  Done,  said  J. 
But  hush,  said  she ;  that  critter  has  the  ears  of  a  mole,  and 

he  eyes  of  a  lynx.    What  critter?  said  I.    Why,  that  fight 

'    ° '     ~ '••  '^"^"/  ijwmii  i/ooiy,  ii  sne  am  I  acomin'  ou* 


IS2 


THE   CLOOKMAKER. 


nere,  as  Vm  u  livin'  sinner.  Come  again  soon — that's  a  dear 
— good  night !— and  she  sailed  back  as  demure  as  if  nothin' 
had  ahappened.  Yes,  squire,  the  Honourable  Eli  Wad,  the 
foundationalist,  was  right  when  he  said  I'd  see  sunthin'  of 
human  natur'  among  the  factory  galls.  The  ways  of  woman 
kind  are  wonderful  indeed.  This  was  my  first  lesson,  that 
aqueamishness  and  indelicacy  are  often  found  united;  in  short 
that  in  manners,  as  in  other  things,  extremes  meet. 


CHAPTER  XIX. 

THE  SCHOOLMASTER  ABROAD. 

The  road  from  Chester  to  Halifax  is  one  of  the  worst  in  the 
province;  and  daylight  failing  us  before  we  made  half  our 
journey,  we  were  compelled  to  spend  the  night  at  a  small  un- 
licensed  house,  the  occasional  resort  of  fishermen  and  coasters. 
There  was  but  one  room  in  the  shanty,  besides  the  kitchen 
and  bed-room ;  and  that  one,  though  perfectly  clean,  smelt 
intolerably  of  smoked  salmon  that  garnished  its  rafters.  A 
musket,  a  light  fowling-piece,  and  a  heavy  American  rifle, 
were  slung  on  the  beams  that  supported  the  floor  of  the  garret ; 
and  snow-shoes,  fishing-rods,  and  small  dip-nets  with  long  ash 
handles,  were  secured  to  the  wall  by  iron  hooks.  Altogether 
It  had  a  sporting  appearance,  that  indicated  the  owner  to  be 
one  of  those  amphibious  animals  to  whom  land  or  water  is 
equally  natural,  and  who  prefer  the  pleasures  of  the  chase  and 
the  fishery  to  the  severer  labour  but  more  profitable  employ- 
ment of  tilling  the  soil.  A  ew  fancy  articles  of  costly  mate- 
rials and  superior  workmanship  that  ornamented  the  mantel- 
piece and  open  closet,  (probably  presents  from  the  gentlemen 
of  the  garrison  at  Halifax,)  showed  that  there  were  sometimes 
visiters  of  a  different  description  from  the  ordinary  customers. 
As  the  house  was  a  solitary  one,  and  situated  at  the  head  of  a 
deep,  well-sheltered  inlet,  it  is  probable  that  smuggling  may 
have  added  to  the  profits,  and  diversified  the  pursuits  of  the 
owner.  He  did  not,  however,  make  his  appearance.  He  had 
gone,  his  wife  said,  in  his  boat  that  afternoon  to  Margaret's 
bay,  a  distance  of  eight  miles,  to  procure  some  salt  to  cure  his 
fish,  and  would  probably  not  return  before  the  morning. 


THE   SCHOOLMASTER    ABROAD.  153 

in  J 'in  ^".^^'^  ^'^r'-  y^l"  '^^'  '^"•''^'  «"'^  Mr.  Slick,  point, 
ing  to  a  wooden  clock  in  the  corner  of  the  room;  folks  thai 
have  nothm'  to  do  like  to  see  how  the  time  goS^and  a  man 
who  takes  a  glass  of  grog  at  twelve  o'clock  is  the  most  prC 
tual  fdler  m  the  world.     The  draft  is  always  honored  Xn 

enS  I'd  th  •  ^''  ^^"  *^"'^  "^  ^^'^^  ^  As  he  said  this  a  man 
entered  the  room,  carrying  a  small  bundle  in  his  hand,  tied 
up  in  a  dirty  silk  pocket-handkerchief.  He  was  dressed  in 
an  old  suit  of  rusty  black,  much  the  worse  for  wear  ILs  face 
bore  the  marks  of  intemperance,  and  he  appeared  much  fa! 

HMK  ;  P^  *  i^'u^  '"''■"''^'  gentlemen,  said  he;  but  you  s<3e 
Dulhanty  poor  fellow,  has  but  one  room,  and  povertyVakes 
us  acquainted  with  strange  bed.fellows  sometimes      Br^idy! 

^iTr'  ^f  '^^'S  "°'^  ""^'^''^  '""^^  '^  «"^  «f  the  north 
side  of  the  well,  my  dear,-and,~do  you  hoar,~be  quick 
for  I'm  choked  with  the  dust.  Gentlemen,  will  you  take^ome 
brandy  and  water?  said  he.  Dulhanty  ;iways  keeps  some 
good  brandy  -none  o'  your  wretched  Yankee  peach  brandy, 
that  s  enough  to  pyson  a  horse,  but  real  Cogniak.  Well.  I 
don  t  care  if  I  do,  said  Mr.  Slick.     Arter  youT  sir.     By  your 

trU?'  7.1  r  A  ^r'^'"^^"'  ""  y°"'  ^««'ths,  said  the 
stranger.  Good  brandy  that,  sir ;  you  had  better  take  another 
glass  before  the  water  gets  warm,--and  he  helped  himself 
again  most  liberally.  Then,  taking  a  survey  of  the  Clock- 
maker  and  myself,  observed  to  Mr.  Slick  that  he  thought  he 
had  seen  him  before.  Well,  it's  not  onlikely  ;-where  f 
Ah,  that s  the  question,  sir;  I  cannot  exactly  say  where. 
IMor  1  neither.  "^ 

Which  way  may  you  be  travellin'  ?    Down  east  I  expect. 

Which  way  are  you  from  then?    Some  where  down  South. 

ihe  traveller  agam  applied  himself  to  brandy  and  water. 

Ahem  I  then  you  are  from  Lunenburg. 

Well,  I  won't  say  I  warn't  at  Lunenburg. 
DntA"""  n  ^''^!j;   place  that  Lunenburg ;    but   they  speak 
•ike  En  ifah'"'  '  "^""^ '  ^^^''^'^ "°  language 

Then  I  suppose  you  are  going  to  Halifax  ? 

Well,  I  won't  say  I  won't  go  to  Halifax  afore  I  return, 
neither.  • 

A  nice  town  that  Halifax— eood  fi8h.mark«>t  ih^rc. .   k... 
they  are  no'  like  the  English  fish  a'ter  all.     Halibut  is  a  p^r' 


I 


1 


154 


THR   CLOCKMAKBR. 


substitute  for  the  good  old  English  turbot.  Where  did  you 
say  you  were  from,  sir? 

I  don't  gist  altogether  mind  that  I  said  I  v^as  from  any 
place  in  partikilnr,  but  from  down  south  last. 

Ahom  !  your  health,  sir ;  perhaps  you  are  like  myself,  sir, 
a  strniigor,  nnd  ha'e  no  home ;  and,  after  all,  there  is  no 

Pray  what  part  of  England  are  yo'i 


like 


England. 


home 
from  ? 

I  osfimutc  I'm  not  from  England  at  all. 

I'm  sorry  for  you,  then;  but  where  the  devil  arc  you  from? 

In  a  general  way  folks  say  I'm  Irom  the  States. 

Knock  them  down  then,  d — n  them.  If  any  man  was  to 
insult  nrKj  by  calling  me  a  Yankee,  I'd  kick  him ;  but  the 
Yankees  have  no  seat  of  honour  to  kick.  If  I  hadn't  been 
thinkin'  more  of  my  brandy  and  water  than  your  answers,  I 
might  have  known  you  were  a  Yankee  by  your  miserable 
evasions.  They  never  give  a  straight  answer — there's  nothing 
Rtraight  about  them,  but  their  long  back?, — and  he  was  asleep 
in  his  chair,  overcome  by  the  united  effects  of  the  heat,  the 
brandy,  and  fatigue. 

That's  one  o'  their  schoolmasters,  said  Mr.  Slick  ;  and  it's 
no  wonder  the  Blue-noses  are  such  'cute  chaps  when  they  got 
such  masters  as  that  are  to  teach  the  young  idea  how  to  shoot. 
The  critter  has  axed  more  questions  in  ten  minutes  than  if  he 
was  a  full-blooded  Yankee,  tho'  he  does  hate  them  so  peeower- 
fully.  He's  an  Englishman,  and,  I  guess,  has  seen  better 
days  ;  but  he's  ruinated  by  drink  now.  When  he  is  about 
half  shaved  he  is  ancverlastin'  quarrelsom'  critter,  and  carries 
a  most  plaguy  oncivil  tongue  in  his  head :  that's  the  reason  I 
didn't  let  on  where  I  come  from,  f<)r  he  hates  us  like  pyson. 
But  there  ain't  many  such  critters  here;  the  English  don't 
emigrate  here  much, — Ihey  go  to  Canada  or  the  States  :  and 
it's  strange,  too,  for,  squire,  this  is  the  best  location  in  all 
America,  is  Nova  Scotia,  if  the  British  did  but  know  it. 

It  will  have  the  greatest  trade,  the  greatest  population,  the 
most  manufactur's,  and  the  most  wealth  of  any  state  this  side 
of  the  water.  The  resources,  nateral  advantages,  and  politi- 
cal  position  of  this  place  beat  all.  Take  it  altogether,  I  don't 
know  gist  such  a  country  in  the  univarsnl  world  a'most. 
What!  Nova  Scotia?  said  I;  this  poor  little  colony,  this 
Ultima  Thule  of  America, — what  is  ever  to  make  it  a  place 


-«    — :j    u- 


Di   s»y  Conscijucnec  ■     iliVerytuing,  squire,  saiu   ue,  Gvery 


THE  SCH00LMA8TIJR   ABROAD.  Iflfi 

thing  that  constitutes  greatness.    I  wish  we  had  it.-that's  all] 

.harr  T;^  th'fi'  ';  'T  '-T  °'  '^'"^  ^^y*''  '^  ^^'^V  don't  1^1.' 
ml'i'         r  ?"■'*  P'"''^.'^  ^°^  "^^^  "«••  ^"''ce  as  many  great 

in  It,  stocit,  lock,  and  barrel,  than  we  have  from  Maine  tS 
nth^rrLif^^  innumerable  small  harbours,  island  Ices,  and 
«  I  ?J  vlf'l  ?^  '*>  8'"^  «"  but  an  island  itself;  and  most 
al  the  best  other  harbours  don't  freeze  up  at  n  » time  li 
a.  nt  shut  up  hke  Canada  and  our  back  country  a  U^nte 

with  rivers  and  lakes,  most  no  part  of  it  is  twenty  miles  from 

of  our  comment  to  Europe.  AH  that,  said  I,  is  very  true  j 
bu  good  harbours,  though  necessary  for  trade,  are  no  "he 
only  thmijs  requisite  in  commerce.  W  it's  in' the  midst  o1 
the  fisheries,  8quire,-all  sort,  of  fisheries,  too.  River  fish- 
eries  of  shad,  salmon,  gasperaux,  and  herring—shore  fishery 
OhHr.^'-f',^"^  cod-bunk  fishery  and  Labrador  fishery^ 
Oh  dear!  ,t  beats  all,  and  they  don't  do  nothin'  with  'em,  but 

Zh^f  '  government  don't  protect  'em.  See  what  a 
school  for  seamen  that  is,  to  man  the  ships  to  fill  the  harbours. 
Then  look  at  the  beeowels  of  the  airth ;  only  think  of  the 
coal  •  and  it's  no  use  atalkin',  that's  the  only  coal  to  supply 
us  that  we  can  rely  on.  Why,  there  ain't  nothing  hkeTlt 
extends  all  the  way  from  bay  of  Fundy  right  ou!  to  Pictou 
hro  the  province,  and  then  under  all  the  island  of  Cape  Bw. 

and  deepest  ever  yet  discovered  since  the  world  bo^an 
Beau  iful  coal  it  is  too.  Then  natur'  has  given  'cm  mos 
grand  abundant  iron-ore,  here  and  there  and  every  where,  and 

such  abundance,  and  a  country  possessed  of  first  chop-watcr 
powers  everywhere,  and  then  tell  me  Providence  hasn't  laid 
the  foundation  of  a  manufactorin'  nation  here.  But  that  ain't 
all.     Gist  see  the  plaster  of  Paris,  what  almighty  big  heaps 

ftlty  thousand  tons  of  it  a-year  for  manure,  and  we  shall  want 
^n  times  that  quantity  yet,-we  can't  do  without  it :  it  ha.. 
S  ™°'5^«r  "»  than  steam;  it  has  made  our  barren  landn 
tertile,  and  whole  tracts  habitable,  that  never  would  have  bf?Pii 
worm  a  cent  an  acre  without  it.     It  will  go  to  South  America 


l1l 


IffA 


THK  CLOGKMAKBR. 


and  the  West  Indgiea  yet — it  is  the  magic  wand— it's  the  phi- 
losopher's stone ;  I  hope  I  mny  be  shot  if  it  a'n't :  it  turns  all 
it  touches  into  gold.  See  what  a  sight  of  vessels  it  takes  to 
carry  a  great  bulky  article  like  that — what  a  sight  of  men  it 
employs,  what  a  host  of  folks  it  feeds,  what  a  batch  of  sailors 
it  hakes,  what  hardy  tars  for  the  wooden  walls  of  Old  England 
B'  i  Old  England  is  as  blind  as  a  bat,  and  Blue-nose  is  a  puppy 
I  r  .y  nine  days  old  ;  he  can't  sec  yet.  If  the  critter  was  well 
I  .ined,  had  his  ears  cropped  and  tongue  wormed,  he  might 
tu^n  out  a  decent-lookin'  whelp  yet,  for  the  old  one  is  a  good 
nurse  and  feeds  well.  Well,  then,  look  at  the  lead,  copper, 
slate,  (and  as  for  slate,  they  mny  stump  Wales,  I  know,  to  pro 
duce  the  I'.ke,)  granite,  grindstone,  freestone,  lime,  manganese, 
salt,  sulphur,  ^yhy,  they've  got  everything  but  enterprise, 
and  that  I  do  believe  in  my  soul  they  expect  to  find  a  mine  of, 
and  dig  up  out  of  the  ground  as  they  do  coal.  But  the  soil, 
squire,  where  will  you  find  the  like  o'  that?  A  considerable 
part  of  it  along  the  coast  is  poor,  no  doubt ;  but  it's  the  fishin' 
side  of  the  province,  and  therefore  it's  all  right ;  but  the  bay 
side  is  a  tearin',  rippin'  fine  country.  Them  dyke  mashes 
linve  raised  hay  and  grain  year  arter  year  now  for  a  whole 
centery  without  manure,  and  I  guess  will  continue  to  do  so 
from  July  to  etarnity.  Then  natur'  has  given  them  that  sea- 
mi'd,  salt  sand,  sea  weed,  and  river  sludge  for  dressin'  their 
upland,  so  that  it  could  be  made  to  carry  wheat  till  all's  blue 
ogain. 

If  it  possesses  all  these  advantages  you  speak  of,  said  I,  it 
will  doubtless  be  some  day  or  another  both  a  populous  and 
rich  country ;  but  still  it  da-s  not  appear  to  me  that  it  can  be 
compared  to  the  country  of  the  Mississippi.  Why,  squire, 
Paid  he,  if  you  was  once  to  New  Orleens,  I  think  you  wouldn't 
say  so.  That  is  a  great  country,  no  doubt,  too  great  to  com- 
pare to  a  small  province  like  this;  great  resources,  great 
river,  fertile  land,  great  trade ;  but  the  climate  is  awful,  and 
the  emigrant  people  ain't  much  better  than  the  climate.  The 
folks  at  New  Orleens  put  me  in  mind  of  children  playing  in  a 
churchyard,  jumpin'  over  the  graves,  hidin'  behind  the  tombs, 
n  larfin'  at  the  emblems  of  mortality,  and  the  queer  old 
rhymes  under  'em,  all  full  of  life,  and  glee,  and  fun  above 
ground,  while  onderneath  it  is  a  great  charnel-house,  full  of 
winding  sheets,  skeletons,  and  generations  of  departed  citizens. 


c  iiat.  die  i/i 


ace 


ilt 


lo  uuiti  til  a.  uai  III  iin;  iiurOui. 


made 


oi  snagij, 


8  the  phi- 
t  turns  all 
takes  to 
af  men  it 
of  sailors 
England 
is  a  puppy 
was  well 
he  might 
is  a  good 
I,  copper, 
IV,  to  pro 
anganese, 
nterprise, 
I  mine  of, 
the  soil, 
isiderable 
he  fishin' 
:  the  bay 
B  mashes 
•  a  whole 
to  do  so 
that  sea- 
sin'  their 
all's  blue 

said  I,  it 
ilous  and 
it  can  be 
^  squire, 
wouldn't 
I  to  com- 
es, great 
vful,  and 
te.  The 
ying  in  a 
le  tombs, 
[ueer  old 
m  above 
I,  full  of 
I  citizens. 
n  snaas, 


THB   SCHOOLMASTER    AMROAD.  I57 

drift-wood,  and  chokes,  heaped  up  by  the  river  and  rho«  fin  a 
ull  nicknames      Th!Z'Vl    u      •    ^"'^"'     ^^^^  ^^st  havo 

or  ."inoTX  put':?  z^Tz  1  kt""  ote^7 
i.  Jto't  rriXrvrv'fh''^  '^  '"'•^'^^'^- "'' « '='•''■'«  if 

swept  clean  off  Z^  ^  ^■"'•,  "  """y  ^^^  ^  '"  f^'e  to  b» 
-Ode.  spi„d,i„.„.d  weak,  andihe/a^'e^^  i'mr^Xd 


156 


TH&   CLOCKMAK&.fi. 


with  weeds  and  toad*stools,  that  grow  every  bit  and  grain  ai 
fkat,  —  and  twice  as  nateral.  The  Blue^noses  don  t  know 
how  to  valy  this  location,  squire»— that's  a  fact,  for  its  a'most 
a  grand  one> 

What's  a  grand  location  ?  said  the  school-master,  waking 
up.  Nova  Scotia,  said  Mr.  Slick.  I  was  just  atellin'  of  the 
squire,  it's  a  grand  location.  D— n  the  location,  said  he, 
1  hate  the  word ;  it  ain't  English ;  there  are  no  words  like  the 
English  words. — Here,  my  little  girl,  more  brandy,  my  dear, 
and  some  fresh  water ;  mind  it's  fresh, — take  it  out  of  the  bottom 
of  the  well— do  you  hear  ?— the  coldest  spot  in  the  well ;  and 
be  quick,  for  I'm  burnt  up  with  the  heat  to-day.  Who's  for 
a  pull  of  grog?  suppose  we  have  a  pull,  gentlemen-— a  good 
pull,  and  a  strong  pull,  and  a  pull  altogether,  eh !  Here's  to 
you,  gentlemen !— ah,  that's  good  you  are  sure  of  good 
brandy  here.  I  say.  Mister  Location,  won't  you  moisten  the 
clay,  eh '! — come,  my  honest  fellow  !  I'll  take  another  glass 
with  you  to  our  better  acquaintance :— you  won't,  eh  ?  well, 
then,  I'll  supply  your  deficiency  myself;  here's  luck  !  Where 
did  you  say  you  were  from,  sir  ?  I  don't  mind  that  I  indicated 
where  I  was  from  gist  in  petikilar.  No,  you  didn't ;  but 
I  twig  you  now,  my  boy,  Sam  Slick,  the  Clockmaker !  And 
so  you  say  this  is  a  nice  location,  do  you?  Yes,  it  is  a  nice 
/oc.ation  indeei'  for  a  gentleman  this, — a  Zocation  for  pride  and 
poverty,  for  ignorance  and  assumption,  for  folly  and  vice. 
Curse  the  location !  I  say ;  there's  no  location  like  old  Eng. 
land.  This  is  a  poor  man's  country,  sir ;  but  not  a  rich  man's 
or  a  gentleman's.  There's  nothing  this  side  of  the  water,  sir, 
approaching  to  the  cla'ss  of  gentry.  They  have  neither  the 
feelings,  the  sentiments,  nor  the  breeding.  They  know  nothing 
about  it.  What  little  they  have  here,  sir,  are  second  hand 
airs  copied  from  poor  models  that  necessity  forces  out  here. 
It  is  the  farce  of  high  life  below  stairs,  sir,  played  in  a  poor 
thea're  to  a  provincial  audience.  Poor  as  I  am,  humble  as  I  am, 
and  degraded  as  I  am, — for  I  am  now  all  three, — I  have  seen 
better  days,  and  was  not  always  the  houseless  wanderer  you 
now  see  me.  I  know  what  I  am  talking  about.  There  is 
nothing  beyond  respectable  mediocrity  here ;  there  never  can 
be,  there  is  no  material  for  it,  there  is  nothing  to  support  it. 
Some  fresh  water,  my  dear ;  that  horrid  water  is  enough  to 
scald  one's  throat.  The  worst  of  a  colony  is,  sir,  there  is  no 
IJ6evi  K>r  ambition,  no  room  ior  tatents,  do  rew&ru  for  uistm' 


THE    SCHOOLMASTER    ABROAD. 


160 


gunhed  exertions.  It  is  a  rich  country  for  a  poor  man,  and 
a  poor  country  for  a  rich  one.  There  is  no  permanent  upper 
class  of  society  here  or  any  where  else  in  America.  There 
are  rich  men,  learned  men,  agreeable  men,  liberal  men,  and 
good  men,  but  very  few  gentlemen.  The  breed  ain't  pure ;  it 
IS  not  kept  long  enough  distinct  to  refine,  to  obtain  the  dis- 
tinctive  marks,  to  become  generic.  Dry  work  this  talkin'; 
—your  health,  gentlemen  !— a  good  fellow  that  Dulhanty,— 
suppose  we  drink  his  health?  he  always  keeps  good  brandy  — 
there  s  not  a  head-ache  in  a  gallon  of  it. 

What  was  I  talking  about  ?-0h!  I  have  it—the  location, 
as  those  drawling  Yankees  call  it.  Yes,  instead  of  importing 
horses  here  from  England  to  improve  the  breed,  they  should 
import  gentlemen ;  they  want  the  true  breed,  they  want  blood. 
Yes,  said  the  Clockmaker,  (whom  I  had  never  known  to 

remain  silent  so  long  before,)  I  guess.     Yes,  d n  you  ' 

said  the  stranger,  what  do  you  know  about  ir?— you  know  as 
much  about  a  gentleman  as  a  cat  does  of  music.   If  you  inter- 
rupt  me  again,  I'll  knock  your  two  eyes  into  one.  you  clock- 
making,  pumpkin-headed,  peddling,  cheating  Yankee  vaga- 
bond.    1  he  sickly  waxwork  imitation  of  gentility  here,  the 
faded  artificial  flower  of  fashion,  the  vulgar  pretension,  the 
contemptible  struggle  for  precedence,  make  one  look  across 
he  Atlantic  with  a  longing  after  the  freshness  of  nature,  for 
life  and  its  realities.     All  North  America  is  a  poor  country 
with  a  p^r  climate.     I  would  not  give  Ireland  for  the  whole 
01  It.     This  Nova  Scotia  is  the  best  part  of  it,  and  has  the 
greatest  resources,  but  still  there  is  no  field  in  a  colony  for  a 
man  of  talent  and  education.   Little  ponds  never  hold  big  fish, 
there  is  nothing  but  pollywogs,  tadpoles,  and  minims  in  them. 
Look  at  them  as  they  swim  thro'  the  shallow  water  of  the 
margins  of  their  little  muddy  pool,  following  some  small  fei- 
low  an  inch  long,  the  leader  of  the  shoal,  that  thinks  himself 
a  whale,  and  if  you  do  not  despise  their  pretensions,  you 
will,  at  least,  be  compelled  to  laugh  at  their  absurdities.     Go 
to  every  legislature  this  side  of  the  water  from  Congress  to 
Halifax,  and  hear  the  stuflJ"  that  is  talked.     Go  to  every  press 
?  /fu  l^-^  ^^""^^^f  is  printed ;  go  to  the  people,  and  see  the 
stull  that  is  uttered  or  swallowed,  and  then  tell  me  this  is  a 
focation  for  any  thing  above  mediocrity.     What  keeps  you 
here,  then  ?  said  Mr.  Slick,  if  it  is  such  an  everlastin'  misera- 

I  1  J«%      ^k.^ka  1  ark  A»__      _ 1  *.  a  vaaa 

J'U  tell  you  sir.  said  he. 


as  you  lay  ii  out  to  be. 


you  sir, 


160 


THE   CLOCKMAKER. 


i 


t: 


and  he  drained  off  the  whole  of  the  brandy,  as  if  to  preDar- 
for  he  effort  I  will  tell  you  what  keeps  me,  and  he  E 
\ntt  '"  n  '"^"^'  ^"^  '^^'^^"g  the'ciockmaker  stS 
yo^JrT  "''7,  "^"""'^  ^^'•'^^^  "^'^'^  emotion-rn  ten 
m1  K  '/  ^°"  '""'^  know~my  misfortune.  The  effort  and 
he  brandy  overpowered  him ;  he  fell  from  his  chair  and^e 
removed  him  to  a  bed,  loosened  his  cravat,  and  leftKim  to  Z 

«t;//''  ^  ^°"^'^^^«ble  of  atrial,  said  the  Clockmaker    to  sit 

hadn't  J"''".  '"  '^.^  '"^f  ^  ^'^  ^^^"^^'  J  tell  you  'if  you 
hadn  t  been  here  I'd  agiv'n  him  a  rael  good  quiltin"  Pd 
atanned  his  jacket  for  him;  I'd  alarned  hhn  ?o  ca  ry  a  civil 

nothT'  L  ?  ^"^^'  '^'  "'^^>^'  ^••""^^»'  onmannerly  g^d  fo 
nolhin  beast    more  nor  once,  I  felt  my  fingers  itch  to  Ze 

I  TuL  y:^"  ""^' V'  ^f '  ^"^  ^^  ^^'^^  worth  mTnIn'! 
1  guess.     Yes,  squire,  I  won't  deny  but  New  Orleen*  is  a 

great  place,  a  wonderful  place;  but  there  are  resources  here 

Ke  ^rrnP'  '"'  'T  ^^^'"^'^  •«  -  P^ '--'^^^^  any 
wL»       '  f,  P^^.^^^"  ^'g^t  "'ore  healthy.     T  don't  know 

what  more  you'd  ask,  almost  an  island  indented  ev^ywhere 
with  harbours,  surrounded  with  fisheries.    The  key  of^he  St 
Lawrence,  the  Bay  of  Fundy,  and  the  West  Ind^lL  ;-iprime 
land  above,  one  vast  mineral  bed  beneath,  and  a  cHmate^ovw 

otK  iS  fp^ ^3^^ •     ''  ''^^  ^^'  -^^  ^r 


CHAPTER  XX. 

THE  WRONG  ROOM. 

it  Jarten'o'lirriT  '^'  '^^^  P°"'"^  ^°^^"  '"  to"^"*^'  «nd 
t  was  ten  o  clock  before  we  were  able  to  resume  our  iournev 

I  am  giaa  said  Mr.  Slick  that  cussed  critter  that  schodmS 

hasnt  yet  woke  up.     I'm  most  afeerd  if  he  had  turnTou[ 

hi^Tasrnfhfl'  l'*^'"''  ""'''  ^"^'^^^  h'-'  '^^  that™:ik  of 
his  last  night  sticks  m  my  crop  considerable  hard.     It  ain't 

dlnde?:^  ''  ^^''''  'i'"  >^°"'  ^^'^  "°^h'"'  ^'n^o^t  raises  my 

Sner  S  ''  '°  r'"'  ^  ^"'S-^^^^'  ^g"^^«"^  «"d  enslaved 

oreigner,  belittle  our  free  and  enlightened  citizens.     But,  see 

^here,  squire,  said  he,  that's  the  first  Indgian  camDment  wZ 


THE    VVROHro    ROOM. 


Id] 


Den  t  thevT—they  have  no  wants  and  no  cares  but  food  and 
eloahm.  and  fishm'  and  huntia'  supply  them  things  easyl 
That  tau  one  you  see  spearin'  fish  down  in  that  are  crik 

here.  ,s  Peter  Paul,  a  most  aplaguy  cute  chap.     I  mind  U.e 
lot  r1^  T''  i?  Lunenburg/l  s^eed  him  to  the  mad  trati' 
John  Rohar's:  he  laid  down  the  law  to  the  justice  better  than 
are  a  lawyer  I  have  met  with  in  the  province  yet,  hTta  ked 

reter  Faul  had  made  his  wigwam  one  winter  near  a  brook  on 
the  farnr,  of  James  M'Nutt,  and  employed  his  timein  cc^ner 
ing  and  used  M'Nutt's  timber  when  he  wanted  any.  TeT 

a^id  Paul  ;rT^p\''"^  ^'"^  ^°  j«''  ''^^'  d'd"'^  -ove  away! 
and  Paul  came  to  Robar,  to  ax  him  whether  it  could  be  done 

7^  he  squire,-M'Nutt  he  came  to  me,  and  says  he  Peter' 
what  adevjl  you  do  here,  d-n  you?  T  sarfmake  'em 
bucket,  make  'em  tub  may  be  basket,  or  ax  LndTe  to  buy 

someTVlu  yf  '"'^  fr^''  f  ^/^°*  ^'^h-you  io  wan^ 
}Z!u  '  \^^  '''^'  ^^''  '"y  '^"^'  Pet^'-'  and'ny  wood;  I 
bought  em  and  pay  money  for  'em  ;  I  won't  let  you  stay  here 

ThenTtSf  rV  '"  'T  ^"^  ^"°'^^  ^''^^^ '  -»d  y-  'o5a 
Dlan?    hn    V  ''1  "'^^'  S^^''"^''  «^y  ^°  that:  what  you 

p  an    that  yours;  what  you  sow,  that  yours  too;  but  you  no 

£    for";r^''  ^^'i-he  plant 'em  da^t;  he  make 'em'^nver! 
God     Ll  "^^"''  ""''•  ^  "'""  ^"^  ^"^Sian  man-all  same 
thro'llMh     '^'''^A  ^""wr'  '•'  °"^  rnan,-he  make  him  run 
thro  all  the  woods.     When  you  drink,  he  run  on  and  I  drink 

still     Z  "^'"  '  '  t''u^  ^''  ^""  °»  '«  ^^  «-•     He  no  ^nd 
still— you  no  catch  him— you  no  have  him.     If  I  cut  down 

your  apple-tree,  then  send  me  to  jail,  cause  you  plant  'em" 

but  if  I  cut  down  ash.tree,  oak-tree,  or  pine-tree  in  woods? 

say  It's  mine.     If  I  cut  'em  first-for  tree  in  big  woods  like 

nver-first  cut  him,  first  have  him.     If  God  giyl  'Im  al    to 

you,  where  IS  your  wntin',  or  bring  somebody  say  he  hear  h.m 

«ay  so,  then  I  stop.     I  never  kill  your  hog,  and  say  I  thought 

him  one  bear,  nor  your  hen,  and  say  him^one  partridge,  bu 

>ou  go  kill  my  stock,  my  cariboo,  and  mv  moose.     I  neve. 

frighten  away  your  sheep :  but  you  go  chop  wood,  and  make 

one  d-n  noise  and  frighten  away  bear:  so  when  I  go  to  my 

neat  r      N   ^'"^  f^'^'V""^  ^  '^^^  '^™'  ^"^  ^^  «k'"  ""^  ^^ 
meat  too^    No  two  laws  for  you  and  me,  but  all  same.     You 

know  jenery-him  big  man  to  Halifax '/-well,  him  very  ffood 
14  *  -  .   V. 


103 


THt:   CLOCKMAKER. 


know   '    Wu'^  ^""  ^r  P';,"^-^  ^'^'^'^y  ^«  ^^'^l^^'  <'«>•  thai  I 
know.)- Well,  he  my,  Pefer  Paul,  when  you  want  ash-tree. 

vou  go  cut  em  down  on  my  land  when  you  like;  I  give  vo»I 

variinrn       T^A  f  ""^  "J?  ^'I^'  '"'^  ^'"^  ^'^^  '^"^  ^^''^^  ^^^^^J 

n  f  •  n  J^"'^  ^y  ^"•^  ''y'  '  «»y'  ^'N"«.  you  have  'em  all 
Indgian  nil  die  soon  ;  no  more  wood  Icn—no  more  hunt  left, 
he  starve,  and  then  you  take  all.     Till  then  I  take  'em  wood 

hat  God  plant  for  ,^  where  I  find  'em,  and  no  thanks  to  you, 
7"^d  puzzle  a  Philadelphia  lawer  to  answer  that~I  gues" 

natur^'l-thf .  ^"^'  ''""  ''''''''^''  ^''^^  °"^  ''   '^^^^ 
rue  nC;      fu^    ''^    ^'"^"  ''""  study  arter  all,  and  the  only 

mllupVr  n'  "°  ^""P  ^^>''  '^^^"t  it-there's  never  nJ 
mistake  there.     Queer  critter,  that  Petei ;  he  has  an  answer 

n°re  at7  °"'^  "othin'  ever  da'nts  or  poses  him  ;  but  here  wo 
ttfnl  V  T^  f  our  journey,  and  I  must  say,  I  am  sorry  for 
It,  too,  for  though  It's  been  a  considerable  of  a  long  one.  t^s 
been  a  very  pleasant  one.  ^        '     * 

When  we  returned  to  Halifax  we  drove  to  Mrs.  Spicer's 
boardrng-house  where  I  had  bespoken  lodgings  pre;iousTy  to 
my  departure  from  town.  While  the  servants  wi^eprepjirg 
my  room  we  were  shown  into  the  parlour  of  Mrs^.  sS, 
She  was  young,  pretty,  and  a  widow.  She  had  but  one  S 
w«rif/!f  ""^r  -Tr  "^  ^Se.  which,  like  all  only  children,' 

Tnded^hv  h""^  'P?''^M  ^^'  ^"^  ^'''  '^y^  then  familiar,  and 
ended  by  bemg  troublesome  and  rude.  She  amused  her 
mother  by  .m.tat.ng  Mr.  Slick's  pronunciation,  and  herself 
by  using  his  hat  for  .  foot-ball. 

entPrifn '^'"'  '^^''  ^'"'^  ''  '  ^"'^  '^^  Clockmaker,  as  we 
entered  our  own  apartments.     The  worst  of  women  is,  said 

.nA7^'^  ^°'  everlastm'ly  ateasin'  folks  with  their  children, 
and  take  more  pains  to  spoil  'em  a.d  make  'em  disagreeablo 
than  any  hing  else    Who  the  plague  wants  to  hear  'em  repeat 

don't      Th'^T^''^!-  w  [.''•^  ^^"'^  sarpent?-!  am  sure 
V  tl'        t'  ^  °"-  ^^'  Y^"^  """"  "ght,  when  he  said  the  ways 
0  womenkmd  are  wonderful.     I've  been  afeerd  to  venture  on 

K  inTi;  ri''  ^"'  ^t"'^  ^^^^g^^'^-  thbk  I  shrspekT 
fke  r  Tt^""'  ^°'  °"J  ^?  '"•  .  ^'  '^^^'^  g'«t  suit  a  rovin' man 
like  me.  It  s  a  considerable  of  a  tie,  and  then  it  ain't  like  a 
horse  deal,  where,  if  you  don't  like 'the  beast?>ou  can  put  U 
off  m  a  raffle,  or.  a  trade,  or  swop  and  suit  .'ourself  be«er 
but  you  must  make  the  best  of  a  bad  bargain,  Ld  pu   up  wi  h 


THE    WROrro    ROOM. 


Ifl? 


ky  have  aW.  a  fra^d  3" 'r"-,  "=™''^  "^'"^  '"  ''°'"-'' 
there  be  any  chiMren  X,  ?h  "vr"  ""^  ''<'?«"''•     " 

and  watch  rveTlhcd'on"   TrT:!":^^.  '"f.-'^'^  "So'"' "",' 


never  feef  loL?v  ^fiT^  7       J^-^  V""^'  ^"^  ^^«  ^o^en  folks 
never  leel    onely  like,  when  the'r  husbands  are  not  to  hmnl 

1  he  only  thing  ,s  to  larn  the  cr,.nar..,nh,,  .r  *u  "?  .^"  ^T!' 


0!!i?f>  vi'el 


164 


THE    OLOCKMAKBR. 


and  know  their  own  number.  If  they  don't  do  that,  they  may 
get  into  a  most  adeuced  of  a  scrape,  that  it  ain't  so  easy  to 
back  out  of.  I  recollect  a  most  acurious  accident  that  hap- 
pened that  way  once,  agetiin'  into  the  wrong  room. 

I  had  gone  down  to  Boston  to  keep  4th  of  July,  our  area! 
Annjvnrsary-day.    A  great  day  that,  squire;  a  great  national 
lestival ;  a  splendid  spectacle;  fifteen  millions  of  free  men  and 
three  million  of  slaves  acelebratin'  the  birth-day  of  liberty  • 
rejoicin'  in  their  strength,  their  freedom  and  enlightenment! 
I'erhaps  the  sun  never  shone  on  such  a  sight  afore,  nor  the 
moon,  nor  the  stars,  for  their  planetary  system  ain't  more 
perfect  than  our  political  system.    The  sun  typifies  our  splen- 
dour;  the  moon  m  its  changes  figures  our  rotation  of  oflice 
and  eclipses  of  Presidents,— and  the  stars  are  emblems  of  our 
states,  as  pamted  on  our  flags.     If  the  British  don't  catch  it 
that  day,  it's  a  pity.     All  over  our  Union,  in  every  town  and 
village,  there  are  orations  made,  gist  about  as  beautiful  pieces 
01  workmanship,  and  as  nicely  dove-tailed  and  mortised,  and  as 
prettily  put  together  as  well  can  be,  and  the  English  catch  it 
everywhere.    All  our  battles  are  fought  over  ag'in,  and  you  can 
e  en  a  most  see  the  British  aflyin'  afore  them  like  the  wind,  full 
spilt,  or  layin'  down  their  arms  as  humble  as  you  please,  or 
marchin  off  as  prisoners  tied  two  and  two,  like  runaway  nig- 
gers,  as  plain  as  if  you  was  in  the  engagements,  and  Washin.T. 
ton  on  his  great  big  war-horse  aridin'  over  them,  and  our  free 
and  enlightened  citizens  askivcrin'  of  them ;  or  the  proud  im- 
pudent  officers  akneelin'  down  to  him,  givin'  up  their  swords 
and  abeggin'  for  dear  life  for  quarter.     Then  you  think  you 
can   e'en  a'most   see   that   infernal  spyj^ndre   nabbed   and 
earched,  and  the  scorn  that  sot  on  the  brows  of  our  heroes  as 
they  threw  into  the  dirt  the  money  he  offered  to  be  released, 
and  heerd  him  beg  like  an  Indgian  to  be  shot  like  a  gentle- 
man, and  not  hanged  like  a  thief,  and  Washington's  noble  and 
magnanimous  answer,—"  I  guess  they'll  think  we  are  afeerd 
if  we  don't,"— so  simple,  so  sublime.     The  hammerin'  of  the 
carpenters  seems  to  strike  your  ears  as  they  erect  the  gallus  ; 
and  then  his  struggles,  like  a  dog  tucked  up  for  sheep-stealin', 
are  as  nateral  as  life.     I  must  say  I  do  like  to  hear  them  era- 
tions, — to  hear  of  the  deeds  of  our  heroes  by  land  and  by  sea. 
It  s  a  bright  page  of  history  that.    It  exasperates  the  young- 
it  makes  their  blood  boil  at  the  wrongs  of  their  forefathers ;  if 
makes  them  clean  their  rifles,  an  J  run  their  bullets.     It  pre 


II 


THE    WRONG    ROOM. 


165 


pareti  thom  for  that  groat  day,  that  comin'  day,  that  no  distant 
day  ncaher,  that  must  come  and  will  come,  and  can't  help  a 
oom.n  ,  when  Britam  will  be  a  colony  to  our  great  nation  and 
when  hor  colonies  will  be  states  in  our  Union  ' 

Mnny'8  the  disputes,  and  pretty  hot  disputes  too,  I've  had 
wilh  mui.s(er  ai.cut  these  orations.     He  nJver  would  go  near 
on  em  ;  he  said  they  were  in  bad  taste-(a  rr^at  phrase  of 
n.'n  that,  poor  dear  good  old  man;  I  belieVe  ^^hoar  yarni 
"  ter  old  times,  and  I  must  think  sometimes  he  ought  to^haTe 
joined  the  refugees,)-bad  taste,  Sam.     it  smells  o'  brag  4' 
.t  8  ongentlemany  .  and  what's  worse-it's  onchristiar^^'     * 
Mut  mimsiers  don't  know  much  of  this  world  ;~thev  mav 
know  the  road  to  the  next;  but  they  don't  kno;  the^crosY. 
roads  and  by.paths  of  th.s  one-that's  a  fact.     Bu^  I  was 
agom'  to  tell  you  what  happened  that  day-I  was  stayin^  to 
Gmeral  Peep's  board.n'  house  to  Boston,  to  enjoy,  as  Twaa 

^oTk^ti;  '^"  TT'^'y-     '^^here  was  an  amaiin^'crowd  o? 
folks  there;  the  house  was  chock  full  of  strangers.     WeH 

a^hrw?,-^^*^^"  k'^?  ^".^  "  ^'^y^  °"^  M«J-  ^b-"e-er  S^roul 
and  his  wile,  aboardin'  there,  that  had  one  child,  the  most 

crycnest  critter  I  ever  seed;  it  boohood  all  nigh   a'most.  an^^^ 

tho  boarders  said  it  must  be  sent  up  to  the  garret  to  the  helns 

for  no  soul  could  sleep  a'most  for  L     Wel^  most  every  nighl 

thr  if  vf'Tj  ^'^  ""  S^  "P  '^'''^  ^°  ^"'^^  the  little  varmimf-L 
(or  it  wouldn't  give  over  yellin'  for  no  one  but  her  That 
ntght,  m  partikelar.  the  critter  screeched  and  screamed  Hke 
Old  Scratch ;  and  at  last  Mrs.  Sproul  slipped  on  her  dressb^ 

nTto  dilrbT  T  ?'".  ^°  '^'-^"^  '^^  ^-  door  a  ar  so  as 
not  to  disturb  her  husband  acomin'  back;  and  when  she  re- 

Z"t:tr's'^  ^'^^'°^  ^p^"  ^^'^•y'^"^  shot  u  t/nd 

got  into  bed.  He's  asleep,  now.  says  she;  I  hope  he  won't 
disturb  me  ag'in  No,  I  ain't  asleep,  mynh^r  stronger,  says 
old  Zwicker.  aDutch  merchant  frorli  Albany,  (for  shf  hid  gol 
into  the  wrong  room,  and  got  in  his  bed  b,;  Lstake.)  nof  I 
mv  Lh"     r"'  "°'\^'"^''^'  Beepneeder,  for  puddin'  you  imo 

tTo^  ISef '"nr^r'  '"^  'r^  "°^  ''^^^"^'  "°^  -bbroba! 
tion,  needer.     I  liksh  your  place  more  better  as  your  com- 

seamed'*  L'^'  ^'^"^^  '^S^'^'  it's  a  pity ;  she  kicked'^a^j 
TnnZA  I  ""^'"'f  °"  ^"^^  *  '•«^'"'  du.tracied  bed.bu«. 
rousand  teyvels.  said  he  what  ails  ,e  man?  I  ooHeve  Cl^ 
pewitched.     Murder!  mur.W  c.,v.  .k..   "1  l^^^'^f  "*  "" 


166 


THE   CLOCKMAKER. 


the  very  tip  eend  of  her  voice,  murder!  murder'  Well, 
Zwicker,  he  jumped  out  o'  bed  in  an  all-fired  hurry,  most 
properly  frightened,  you  may  depend ;  and  seezin'  her  dress 
in'  gownd,  instead  of  his  trousei-s,  he  put  his  legs  into  the 
arms  of  it,  and  was  arunnin'  out  of  the  room  aholdin'  up  of 
the  skirts  with  his  hands,  as  I  came  in  with  the  (;andle.  De 
ferry  teyvil  hisself  is  in  te  man,  and  in  de  trousher  too,  said 
he ;  for  I  pelieve  te  coat  has  grow'd  to  it  in  te  night,  it  is  so 
tarn  long.  Oh,  tear!  what  a  pity.  Stop,  says  I,  Mister 
Zwicker,  and  I  pulled  him  back  by  the  gownd  (I  thought  I 
should  adied  larfin'  to  see  him  in  his  red  night-cap,  his  eyes 
starfin'  out  o'  his  head,  and  those  short-legged  trousers  on, 
for  the  sleeves  of  the  dressin'  gownd  didn't  come  further  than 
his  knees,  with  a  great  long  tail  to  'em.)  Stop,  says  I,  and 
tell  us  what  all  this  everlastin'  hubbub  is  about :  who's  dead 
Dnd  what's  to  pay  now  ? 

All  this  time  Mrs.  Sproul  lay  curled  up  like  a  cat,  covered 
all  over  in  the  bed  clothes,  ayellin'  and  ascreamin'  like  mad ; 
'most  all  the  house  was  gathered  there,  some  ondressed,  and 
some  half-dressed — some  had  sticks  and  pokers,  and  some 
had  swords.  Hullo !  says  I,  who  on  airth  is  makin'  all  this 
touss?  Goten  Hymel,  said  he,  old  Saydon  himself,  I  do 
pelieve ;  he  came  tru  de  door  and  jumped  right  into  ped,  and 
yelled  so  loud  in  mine  ear  as  to  deefen  my  head  a'most ;  puU 
him  out  by  de  cloven  foot,  and  kill  him,  tarn  him  !  I  had  no 
gimblet  ao  more,  and  he  know'd  it,  and  dat  is  te  cause,  and 
nothin'  elso.  Well,  the  folks  got  hold  of  the  clothes,  and 
pulled  and  hauled  away  till  her  head  showed  above  the  sheet. 
Dear,  dear,  said  Major  Ebenezer  Sproul ; — If  it  ain't  Mrs. 
Sproul,  my  wife,  as  I  am  alive!  Why,  Mary  dear,  what 
brought  you  here? — what  on  airth  are  you  adoin'  of  in  Mr. 
Zwicker's  room  here?  I  take  my  oat,  she  prought  herself 
here,  said  Zwicker,  and  peg  she  take  herself  away  ng'in  so 
%st  as  she  came,  and  more  faster  too.  What  will  Vrow 
Siwicker  say  to  this  woman's  tale  ? — was  te  likeesh  ever  heerd 
aibre  ?  Tear,  tear,  but  'tis  too  pad  !  Well,  well,  says  the 
folks,  who'd  athought  it? — such  a  steady  old  gentleman  as 
Mr.  Zwicker, — and  young  Marm  Sproul,  says  they, — only 
think  of  her  ! — ain't  it  horrid  ?  The  hussy  !  says  the  women 
house-helps:  she's  nicely  caught,  ain't  she?     She's  no  great 

inan  :  it  sarves  her  right, — it  does,  the  good-fornothin' jadol 


11 


TH£    WRONG    ROOM. 


167 


I  wouldn  t  ahad  it  happen,  says  the  major,  for  fifty  dollars, 

^°^  J  ana  he  walked  up  and  down,  and  wrung  his  hands, 
and  looked  streaked  enough,  you  may  depend  :~no,  nor 
1  don  t  know,  said  he,  as  I  would  for  a  hundred  dollars  a'most. 
Have  what  happened,  says  Zwicker;  upon  my  vort  and 
honour  and  sole,  nothin'  happened,  only  I  had  no  gimblet. 
llet  IS  jammer;  it  is  a  pity.     I  went  to  see  the  baby,  said 

A    ^P^?"''~"sobbin'  ready  to  kill  herself,  poor  thing  I— 

and Well,  I  don't  want,  nor  have  occasion,  nor  require  a 

nurse,  said  Zwicker — And  I  mistook  the  room,  said  she,  and 
come  here  athinkin'  it  was  ourn.  Couldn't  pe  possible,  said 
he,  to  take  me  for  te  papy,  dat  has  papys  hisself,— but  it  was 
to  ruin  my  character,  and  name,  and  reputation.  Oh,  Goten 
Hymel  I  what  will  Vrou  Zwick-r  say  to  dis  wooman's  tale  ? 
but  then  she  knowd  I  had  no  gimblet,  she  did.  Folks 
snickered  and  larfed  a  good  deal,  I  tell  you ;  but  they  soon 
cleared  out  and  went  to  bed  ag'in.  The  story  ran  all  over 
Boston  like  wild  fire ;  nothin'  else  a'most  was  talked  of;  and 
like  most  stories,  it  grew  worse  and  worse  every  day.  Zwicker 
returned  next  mornin'  to  Albany,  and  has  never  been  to 
Boston  since ;  and  the  Sprouls  kept  close  for  some  time,  and 
then  moved  away  to  the  western  territory.  I  actilly  believe 
they  changed  their  name,  for  I  never  heerd  tell  of  any  one 
that  ever  seed  them  since. 

Mr.  Slick,  says  Zwicker,  the  mornin'  he  started,  I  have  one 
leetle  gimblet;  I  always  travel  with  my  leetle  gimblet;  take 
It  mid  me  wherever  I  go ;  and  when  I  goes  to  ped,  I  takes  my 
leetle  gimblet  out  and  bores  wid  it  over  de  latch  of  de  toor 
and  dat  fastens  it,  and  keeps  out  de  tief  and  de  villain  and  de 
womans.  I  left  it  to  home  dat  time  mid  the  old  vrou,  and  it 
was  all  because  I  had  no  gimblet,  de  row  and  te  noise  and  te 
rumpush  wash  made.  Tarn  it  I  said  he,  Mr.  Slick,  'tis  no  use 
talkin ,  but  tere  is  always  de  teyvil  to  pay  when  there  is  a 
woman  and  no  gimblet. 

Yes,  said  the  Clockmaker,  if  they  don't  mind  the  number 
of  the  room,  they'd  better  stay  away,— but  a  little  attention 
that  way  cures  all.  We  are  all  in  a  hurry  in  the  States  ;  we 
eat  m  a  hurry,  drink  in  a  hurry,  and  sleep  in  a  hurry.  We 
all  go  ahead  so  fast  it  keeps  one  full  spring  to  keep  up  with 
others  ,  and  one  must  go  it  hot  foot,  if  he  wants  to  pass  his 
neighbours.  Now,  it  is  a  great  comfort  to  have  vosir  (\}v,v,fr 
to  the  minute,  as  you  dc  at  a  boardin'-house,  when  vou  are  w 


168 


[>  i 


THK   CLOCKMAKER, 


a  hurry--onIy  you  must  look  out  sharp  arter  the  dishes,  of 
you  won't  get  nothin'.  Things  vanish  like  wink.  I  recollect 
once  when  quails  first  came  in  that  season  j  there  was  an  old 
chap  at  Peep's  boardin'-house,  that  used  to  take  the  whole 
dish  of  em,  empty  it  on  his  plate,  and  gobble  'em  up  like  a 
turkeycock,— no  one  else  ever  got  none.  We  were  all  a  good 
deal  ryled  at  it,  seem'  that  he  didn't  pay  no  more  for  his  din- 
ner  than  us,  so  I  nicknamed  him  "  Old  Quail,"  and  it  cured 
him ;  he  always  left  half  arter  that,  for  a  scrimb.  No  sv,. 
tern  IS  quite  perfect  squire  ;  accidents  will  happen  in  the  best 
regulated  places,  like  that  of  Marm  Sproul's  and  Old  Quail's- 
bu  still  there  ,s  nothin'  arter  all  like  a  boardin'.hou2,-.thfl 
only  thmg  i?,  keep  out  of  the  wrong  room. 


CHAPTER  XXI. 


; 


FINDING  A  MARE'S  NE8T. 

Haiipax,  like  London,  has  its  tower  also,  but  there  is  thw 
remarkable  difference  between  these  two  national  structures', 
that  the  one  is  designed  for  the  defenders  of  the  country,  and 
the  other  for  its  o/enders  ;  and  that  the  former  is  as  difficult 
to  be  broken  into  as  the  latter  (notwithstanding  all  the  inge. 
nious  devices  of  successive  generations  from  the  days  of 
Julius  CsDsar  to  the  time  of  the  schoolmaster)  is  to  be  broken 
out  of.     A  critical  eye  mi^ht   perhaps  detect  some   other 
hough  lesser,  points  of  distinction.     This  cis- Atlantic  mar- 
tello  tower  has  a  more  aristocratic  and  exclusive  air  than  its 
city  brother,  and  its  portals  are  open  to  none  but  those  who 
are  attired  in  the  uniform  of  the  guard,  or  that  of  the  royal 
staff  J  while  the  other  receives  the  lowest,  and  most  depraved, 
and  vulgar  of  mankmd.     It  is  true  it  has  not  the  lions,  and 
other  adventitious  attractions  of  the  elder  one  i  but  the  oriiji- 
na  and  noble  park  in  which  it  stands  is  plentifully  stocked 
with  carn&oo*,  while  the  Aom- work  of  the  latter  is  at  least 
equal  to  that  of  its  ancient  rival;  and  although   it  cannot 
exhibit  a  display  of  the  armour  of  the  country,  its  very  exis- 
tence  there  is  conclusive  evidence  of  the  amor  patria.     It 
...!c..cv  inai  piuiccis  the  narbour  ol  Huiiiux, 


1  ! 


riNDING   A   MAKfi's   NEST.  16t) 

and  commands  that  of  the  North- West  Arm,  and  Is  aituated 

skirt^L  """''' -Tu^^  a  fashionable  promenade,  which  la 
skirted  on  one  .ide  by  a  thick  shrubbery,  and  on  the  other  by 

T.  ^^Tu.u'^^  ^^'^''^  '^  forme?  being  the  lesort  o? 
ttri^u  f  r'  .^^^  ^""Sht  in  the  impervious  shade  of 

the  spruce,  and  the  latter  of  those  who  prefer  swimming,  and 

ifZZ  'T'"'''''-  ^^'^  '^''^  *"^«^*'°««  ^«  the  fevers 
?!^  •  n  '  f  /  ^T  *•*■'  *^  •«  thronged  at  all  hours,  but  more 
Sr  ^/'  day.dawn  by  the  valetudinarian,  the  aged,  an^ 
mfirm,  and  at  the  witching  hour  of  moonlight  by  th^  who 

TiT^T""^^  '""ffy  '^  ^^  ^^  <*«"»?  «i^  of  night. 
Pornni     .     ^'  "l^*'"  '  ^^'^^r  '^"8  «'"^«  ^^^^^^  to  beIon|.   Old, 
tedv  W -^""^  rheumatic.  I  am  compelled  to  be  careful  of  a 
body  that  IS  not  worth  the  trouble  that  it  gives  me.     I  no  Ion- 
ger  mdulge  in  the  dreary  visions  of  the  icond  nap,  fir"  alas ! 

wa'/rr",     '""^  I  T  "^'•'y'  *"^  '^^^  rny  constitutional 
wmK  to  the  tower.     I  had  not  proceeded  more  than  half-way 
this  morning  before  I  met  the  Clockmaker  returning  to  town! 
Mornin  ,  squire,  said  he;  I  suppose  you  didn't  hear  the 
news,  djd  you  ?  the  British  packet'I^io.     kich  packet  ?slid 
L'inff  Jrr  ^"^  *!r«^^«''»  ««<*  g^t  apprehensions  are  enter- 
tamed  that  one  of  ihem  is  lost.    More  promotion,  then,  sa'd 
he,  for  them  navals  that's  left,-  it's  an  ill  wind  that  blows 
nobody  any  good.     Why!  said  I,  Mr.  Slick,  how  can  you 
talk  so  unfeelingly  of  such  an  awful  catstrophe  ?    Only  think 
o^  the  misery  entailed  by  such  an  event  upon  Falmouth,  where 
mos  of  the  officers  and  crew  have  left  de^t«te  and  dis'tresse^ 
tamlies.     Poor  creatures,  what  dreadful  tidings  await  them  » 
Well,  well,  said  he,  I  didn't  gist  altogether  mSn  to  make  a 

rt  ffl  "^'i^'' '  '^^  y**"*"  ^'''^^  '^"^^  ^hat  they  are  about ; 
them  coffin  ships  ain»t  sent  out  for  nothin\  Ten  if  them  gun ' 
brigs  have  been  lost  already ;  and,  d -and  on  it,  the  Eoflish 
have  their  reasons  for  it-there's  no  mistake  about  it:  con- 

as  them  that  .  :cks  the  hole  m  il ,-  if  they  throw  a  sprat  it's  to 
catch  a  mackerel,  or  my  name  is  not  Sam  Slick.  Reason,  1 
T'  ;7;r  ^^  '^^^on  can  there  be  for  consigning  so  many 
gttllan  fellows  to  a  violent  death  and  a  watery  grave  ?  What 
|x,uM  justify  such  a_J    I'll  tell  you,  said  tUciockmaker ! 

L^T^trTlX''?."!'.  .'>y/"ght-m^  'em  out  of  their 

„     ,,.„.,     „         ,  j,^y  ii  gooa  setoi  imers,  them 

khue.no«^^  torses  and   radicals   wxmld    be   for  ever^itingly 


170 


THE    CLOCKJttAKER. 


abotherin'  of  government  with  their  requests  and  complaints 
Flungry  as  hawks  them  fellers,  they'd  fairly  eat  the  minister 
up  without  salt,  they  would.    It  compels  'em  to  stay  at  home, 
it  docs.   Your  folks  desarve  credit  for  that  trick,  for  it  answers 
the  purpose  rael  complete.     Yes,  you  English  are  pretty  con- 
siderable tarnatica  sharp.     You  warn't  born  yesterday,  I  tell 
you.     You   are  always   afindin'   out   some  mare's  nest  oi 
another.     Didn't  you  send  out  water-casks  and  filterin'-stones 
last  war  to  the  fresh  water  lakes  to  Candida  ?   Didn't  you  send 
out  a  frigate  there  ready  built,  in  pieces  ready  numbered  and 
marked,  to  put  together,  'cause  there's  no  timber  in  America, 
nor  carpenters  neither  ?     Didn't  you  order  the  Yankee  pris- 
oners  to  be  kept  at  the  fortress  of  Louisburg,  which  was  so 
levelled  to  the  ground  fifty  years  before  that  folks  can  hardly 
tell  where  it  stood  ?     Han't  you  squandered  more  money  to 
Bermuda  than  would  make  a  military  road  from  Halifax  to 
Quebec,  make  the  Windsor  railroad,  and  complete  the  great 
canal  ?     Han't  you  built  a  dockyard  there  that  rots  all  the 
cordage  and  stores  as  fast  as  you  send  them  out  there  ?  and 
han't  you  to  send  these  things  every  year  to  sell  to  Halifax, 
'cause  there  ain't  folks  enough  to  Bermuda  to  make  an  auction  ? 
Don't  you  send  out  a  squadron  every  year  of  seventy-fours, 
frigates,  and  sloops  of  war,   and  most  work  'em  to  death, 
sendin'  em'  to  Bermuda  to  winter  'cause  it's  warm,  and  to 
Halifax  to  summer,  'cause  its  cool ;  and  to  carry  freights  of 
doubloons  and  dollars   from  the  West  Indgies  to  England, 
'cause  it  pays  well ;  while  the  fisheries,  coastin'  trade,  and 
revenue  are  left  to  look  out  for  themselves?     Oh,  if  you  don't 
beat  all,  it's  a  pity  ! 

Now,  what  in  natur'  is  the  use  of  them  are  great  seventy- 
fours  in  peace  time  in  that  station  ?  Half  the  sum  of  money 
one  of  them  are  everlastin'  almighty  monsters  cost  would  equip 
a  dozen  spankin'  cutters,  commanded  by  leftenants  in  the 
navy,  (and  this  I  will  say,  though  they  be  Britishers,  a  smarter 
set  o'  men  thsin  they  be  never  stept  in  shoe-leather,)  and  they'd 
soon  set  theso  matters  right  in  two  twos.  Them  seventy- fours 
put  me  in  mind  o'  Black  Hawk,  the  great  Indgian  chief,  that 
was  to  Washin'ton  lately ;  he  had  an  alligator  tattooed  on  the 
back  part  of  Tie  thigh,  and  a  raccoon  on  t'other,  toucl  <=5d  off 
.o  the  very  nines,  and  as  nateral  as  any  thing  you  evci*  seed 
m  your  life ;  and  well  he  know'd  it  too,  for  he  was  as  proud 
of  it  as  any  thing      Well,  ths  president,  and  a  whole  raft  of 


FINDING  A    mare's    NEST. 


ni 


proud 


senators,  and  a  considerable  of  an  assortment  of  most  beauli. 
ful  ladies,  went  all  over  the  capitol  with  him,  showio'  him  the 
great  buildin's,  and  public  halls,  and  curiosities,  patents,  pre- 
sents,  and  what  not ;  but  Black  Hawk,  he  took  no  notice  of 
nothm^  a'most  till  he  came  to  the  pictur's  of  our  great  naval 
and  military  heroes,  and  splendid  national  victories  of  our  free 
and  enlightened  citizens,  and  them  he  did  stare  at ;  they  posed 
him  considerable — that's  a  fact. 

Well,  warrior,  said  the  president,  arubbin'  of  his  hands, 
and  asmilin',  what  do  you  think  of  them  ?  Broder,  said 
Black  Hawk,  them  grand,  them  live,  and  breathe  and  speak — 
them  great  pictures  I  tell  you,  very  great  indeed,  but  I  got 
better  ones,  said  he,  and  he  turned  round,  and  stooped  down, 
and  drew  up  his  mantle  over  his  head.  Look  at  that  alligator, 
broder,  said  he,  and  he  struck  it  with  his  hand  till  he  made  all 
ring  again ;  and  that  racoon  behind  there ;  bean't  they  splendid  ? 
Oh  !  if  there  warn't  a  shout,  it's  a  pity  !  The  men  haw-hawed 
right  out  like  thunder,  and  the  women  ran  off,  and  screamed 
like  mad.  Did  you  ever  !  said  they.  How  ondecent  I  ain't  it 
shocking?  and  then  they  screamed  out  ag'in  louder  than  afore. 
Oh  dear!  said  they,  if  that  nasty,  horrid  thing  ain't  in  all  the 
mirrors  in  the  room  I  and  they  put  their  pretty  little  hands  up 
to  their  dear  little  eyes,  and  raced  right  out  into  the  street. 
The  president  he  stamped,  and  bit  his  lip,  and  looked  as  mad 
as  if  he  could  have  swallowed  a  wild  cat  alive.  Cuss  him! 
said  he,  I've  half  a  mind  to  kick  him  into  the  Potomac,  the 
savage  brute  I  I  shall  never  hear  the  last  of  this  joke. 
I  fairly  thought  I  should  have  split  to  see  the  conflustrigation 
it  put  'em  all  into.  Now,  that's  gist  the  way  with  your 
seventy-fours.  When  the  Blue-noses  grumble  that  we  Yan- 
kees smuggle  like  all  vengeance,  and  have  all  the  fisheries  on 
the  coast  to  ourselves,  you  send  'em  out  a  great  seventy-four 
with  a  painted  starn  for  'em  to  look  at,  and  it  is  gist  about  as 
much  use  as  the  tattooed  starn  of  Black  Hawk.    I  hope  I  may 

be  shot  if  it  ain't.     Well,  then,  gist  see  how  you 

True,  said  I,  glad  to  put  a  stop  to  the  enumeration  of  ou 
blunders,  but  government  have  added  some  new  vessels  to 
the  pue!:et  line  of  a  very  superior  description,  and  will  with- 
draw the  old  ones  as  soon  as  possible.  These  changes  are 
very  expensive,  and  cannot  be  effected  in  a  moment.  Yes. 
said  he,  so  I  have  heerd  tell;  and  I  have  heerd,  too,  that  the 
new  ones  won't  lay  to,  and  the  old  ones  won't  scud ;  grand 


)72 


THB   CLOCKMAKER. 


Chance  in  a  gale  for  a  feller  that,  ain't  it  ?  One  tumbles  ove. 
in  the  trough  of  the  sea,  and  the  other  has  such  great  solid  buL 
warks,  if  she  ships  a  sea,  she  never  gets  rid  of  it  but  by  coin' 
down.  Oh,  you  British  are  up  to  every  thing  I  it  wouldn't  be 
easy  to  put  a  wrinkle  on  your  horns,  I  know.  They  will,  at 
least,  said  I,  with  more  pique  than  prudence,  last  as  long  as  the 
colonies.  It  is  admitted  on  all  hands  now,  by  Tories,  W hies 
and  Radicals,  that  the  time  is  not  far  distant  when  the  pro! 
vinces  will  be  old  enough  for  independence,  and  strong  enoush 
to  demand  it.  I  am  also  happy  to  say  that  there  is  every  dis 
position  to  yield  to  their  wishes  whenever  a  majority  shall 
TT  *"  °PP'y»"g  ^o'  a  separation.  It  is  very  questionable 
whether  the  expense  of  their  protection  is  not  greater  than 
any  advantage  we  derive  from  them. 

That,  said  the  Clockmaker,  is  what  I  call,  now,  good  sound 
sense.     I  like  to  hear  you  talk  that  way,  for  it  shows  you 
participate  in  the  enlightenment  of  the  age.    After  all  the 
expense  you  have  been  to  in  conquerin',  clearin',  settlin',  for- 
titym  ,  govermn',  and  protectin'  these  colonies,  from  the  time 
hey  were  little  miserable  spindlin'  seedlin's  up  to  now,  when 
they  have  grow'd  to  be  considerable  stiff  and  strong,  and  of 
some  use,  to  give  'cm  up,  and  encourage  'em  to  ax  for  'man- 
cipation,  IS,  I  estimate,  the  part  of  wise  men.     Yes,  I  see  von 
are  wide  awake.    Let 'em  go.    They  are  no  use  to  you.    fiut. 
I  say, ^squire—and  he  tapped  me  on  the  shoulder,  and  winked 
-let  em  look  out  the  next  mornin' arter  they  are  free  for 
a  visit  from  us.     If  we  don't  put  'em  thro'  their  facin's  it's 
a  pity.     1  ho  they  are  no  good  to  you,  they  are  worth  a  Jew's 
eye  to  us,  and  have  'em  we  will,  by  gum  ! 

You  pu;  me  in  mind  of  a  British  Parliament-man  that  was 
ravelhn  in  the  States  once.  I  seed  him  in  a  steamboat  on 
the  Ohio,  (a  most  a  grand  river  that,  squire;  if  you  were  to 
put  all  the  English  rivers  into  one  you  couldn't  make  its  ditto  ) 
ond  we  went  the  matter  of  seven  hundred  miles  on  it  till  it 
.lined  the  Mississippi.  As  soon  as  we  turned  to  go  down  that 
river  he  stood,  and  stared,  and  scratched  his  head,  like 
bewildered.  Says  he,  this  is  very  strange— very  strange  in- 
deed,  says  he.  What's  strange?  said  I;  but  he  went  on  with- 
out  hearin  .  Its  the  greatest  curiosity,  said  he,  I  ever  seed, 
a  nateral  pbjnomenon,  one  of  the  wonders  of  the  world  :  and 
he  jumped  light  up  and  '^own  like  a  ravin*  distracted  fool 
»V  Inro  IS  It,  said  he.     Wbnt  ihe  d— 1  has  become  of  it  1     If 


,  -Js'-u- 


riNDma  a  mare's  nest. 


178 


«'s  your  wit,  said  I,  you  are  alookin*  for,  it's  gone  a  wool- 
gatherin'  more  nor  half  un  hour  ago.  What  on  airth  ails 
vou,  says  I,  to  make  you  act  so  like  Old  Scratch  that  way  ? 
Do,  for  goodness  sake,  look  here,  Mr.  Slick  !  said  he.  That 
immense  river,  the  Ohio,  that  we  have  been  sailin'  upon  so 
many  days,  where  is  it  1  Where  is  it !  said  I.  Why  U's  run 
into  the  Mississippi  here  to  be  sure;  where  else  should  it  be? 
or  did  you  think  it  was  like  a  snake  that  it  curled  its  head 
under  its  own  belly,  and  run  back  again?  But,  said  he,  the 
Mississippi  arn't  made  one  inch  higher  or  one  inch  wider  by 
it ;  it  don't  swell  it  one  mite  or  morsel ;  it's  marvellous,  ain'^t 
it!  Well,  gist  afore  that,  we  had  been  talking  about  the 
colonies ;  so,  says  I,  I  can  tell  you  a  more  marvellous  thing 
than  that  by  a  long  chalk. 

There  is  Upper  Canada,  and  Lower  Canada,  and  New 
Brunswick,  and  Nova  Scotia,  and  Capo  Breton,  and  Prince 
Edward's  Island,  and  Newfoundland,— they  all  belong  to  the 
English.  Well,  said  he,  I  know  that  as  well  as  you  do. 
Don't  be  so  plaguy  touchy !  said  I,  but  hear  me  out.  They 
all  belong  to  the  English,  and  there's  no  two  ways  about  it , 
it's  the  best  part  of  America,  too ;  better  land  and  better 
climate  than  ourn,  and  free  from  yaller  fevers,  and  agues,  and 
nigger  slaves,  and  hostile  Indgians,  and  Lynchers,  and  alliga- 
tors, and  such  like  varmint,  and  all  the  trade  and  commerce 
of  them  colonies,  and  the  supply  of  'factured  goods  belong  to 
tlic  English  too,  and  yet  I  defy  any  livin'  soul  to  say  he  can 
see  that  it  swells  their  trade  to  be  one  inch  wider,  or  one  inch 
higher  ;  it's  gist  a  drop  in  the  bucket.  Well,  that  is  strange, 
said  he;  but  it  only  shows  the  magnitude  of  British  commerce. 
Yes,  says  I,  it  does ;  it  shows  another  thing  too.  What's 
that,  said  he.  Why,  says  1,  that  their  commerce  is  a  plaguy 
eight  deeper  than  the  shaller-pated  noodles  that  it  belongs  to. 
Do  you,  said  I,  jist  take  the  lead-line,  and  sound  the  river  jist 
below  where  the  Ohio  comes  into  it,  and  you  will  find  that, 
though  it  tante  broader  or  higher,  it's  an  everlastin'  sight 
deeper  than  it  is  above  the  jinin  place.  It  can't  be  otherwise 
m  natur'. 

Now,  turn  the  Ohio,  and  let  it  run  down  to  Baltimore,  and 
rou'd  find  the  Mississippi,  mammoth  as  it  is,  a  difl^erent  guess 
'iver  from  what  you  now  see  it.  It  wouldn't  overrun  its 
oanKs  no  more,  nor  break  the  dykes  at  New  Orleans,  nor 
ieuve  the  great  Cyprus  swamps  under  water  any  longer.     It 

ir»  * 


174 


THE   CLOCKMAKGR. 


wWK  1  .P'^"^  '^^^^^^  '"  ^'y  ^e'»t»^e'-»  I  J^no^-  Gist  so 
Pn„.-  »f  .''''L''"^  ^'^-^i  ^^^"S*'  y«"  ^^»'t  «ee  it  in  the  ocean  of 
bnghsh  trade,  yet  it  ,s  there.  Cut  it  off;  and  see  the  raft  of 
Ships  you  d  have  to  spare,  and  the  thousands  of  seamen  you'd 
have  to  emigrate  to  us !  and  see  how  while  about  the  gills 
RirmfrK  °  ^••^"rV  «"^  Liverpool,  and  Manchester,  and 
Birmingham,  would  look.     Cuttin'  off  the  colonies  is  like  cut. 

Zif!  \f  °  ^'^V  "  '  ^"  ^^^n  <^*>ance  if  it  don't  blow 

ihltZ:  VTfu  ''"'■'  "»"'  ^."'■"  y°"^'*'  ''"^  ''«»  ««•  afore 
fi  Vr  Tk  *  ^J''  i*'^  "f  "'^  "P'^'^g  ^°"«"»'  there  is  about  six 
•^d  tL  1      '^  ^''.'^'  f  f.  '^^  *^P'  ^''  t*^^  ^'•«n«hes  withered. 

Lnd,  n    ^  ^^'  °"''''  ^'^  •  '^'^" '  °»^  ^'^^  y««''  after,  unless  i 
aends  out  new  roots,  it's  a  great  leafless  trunk,  a  sight  to 
behold ;  and  ,f  .    ,s  strong  enough  to  push  out  new  roots,  it 
may  revive,  but  it  never  looks  like  itself  again.     The  W 
nance  ts  gone,  and  gone  for  ever. 

«n  J?  F^  ^^^P^  '  V"/  parliament  that  never  seed  a  colony. 

wli  It  f.*  "P  ^"u  ^""^^  "^°"^  '^"^  ^y  t^e  hour,  and  look  as 
wise  about  'em  as  the  monkey  that  had  seen  the  world. 

Jn  America  all  our  farms  a'most  have  what  we  call  the 

or?o  ^'l~^'^"^'^'  "  ^''''  ^°"g»^  «^'d  ^^  a  hundred  acres 
or  so,  near  the  woods,  where  we  turn  in  our  young  cattle  and 
breedin'  mares,  and  colts,  and  dry  cows,  and  whaf  no"  whJ  o 
InTtK^"  m'"  °^  themselves,  and  the  ;oung  stock  gow  up! 

/Sm  Lf  ^^^^g''^^  ^«\  I^'^'agrand'-outlettLtothe 
f^^^.^}hat  would  he  overstocked  without  it.     We  could  not 

foratf  *i"°,^"^-  /"^P^^you^^^ohnies  are  the  great  f^M 
talLl  itT^"'*  f  T'."'*^^'  "  ^'•«'»'*  ''«''^'-  Ask  the  Eye. 
TnZ  A^l  ?u^c  u^''  ^'"'  •  ^««'»'  the  overland-trade  to 
India.  Ask  the  folks  to  Cadiz  what  put  them  up  a  tree  ? 
Losin'  the  trade  to  South  America.     If  that's  too  far  off,  ask 

mey  wil  tell  you,  while  they  was  asleep,  Liverpool  ran  off 
r  ?  ItV'^^''    "^^"^  '^  y°"  ^'^^"'^  ^i"'^  t°  SO  there,  a^  the 

r«nrn„^'7  ""^5  ^°",-S"'  ^'°"g^'^^  «^'  ^^^^  hi  thinks  of  the 
railroads?  and  gist  listen  to  the  funeral  hymn  he'll  sincr  over 

hatT/nt"  ^^V  ^''  *S  England'last,  I  alwa;s  d^ 
Ihat  when  I  was  m  a  hurry,  and  it  put  coachee  into  such  a 
passion,  he'd  turn  to  and  lick  his  hories  out  o'  spite  into  a  fuH 

SS?\^  •  "  r"";  ^f^  ^^y^  ^^^"^  that  sanctioned  them  rail- 
roads,  to  rum  the  'p.kos,  (get  along,  you  lazy  willain.  Char- 


VINDISQ   A    mare's    NEST. 


nn 


wouldn't!     Only  th  nk  of  a  man  '*  r    ''''"'^'  ^T"  "^^'  ''*  ' 

lop  off  the  branches,  the  tree  perishes   fnr  f hi  i       '      .  ^.  " 

m..  are  „„  good.  Ire  mI /l^T^Tii^Je,    if,tu7e  'ft 
w  roc  trcadmM,  till  they  lam  to  speak  the  truth:' 


170 


THE   CLOOKMAKRR. 


CHAPTER  XXII. 
KEEPING  UP  THE  STEAM. 

h-  is  painful  to  fhink  of  the  blunders  that  have  ^eei  com. 
aiitted  from  i.uio  to  timo  in  the  munagement  of  our  colonies, 
and  of  the  gross  ignorance,  or  utter  disregard  of  their  inter- 
ests, that  hus  been  displayed  in  the  treaties  with  foreign  pow- 
ers.     Fortunately  for  the  mother  country  the  colonists  are 
warmly  attached  to  her  and  her  institutions,  and  deplore  a 
separation  too  much  to  agitate  questions,  however  important, 
that   may  have   a   tendency  to  weaken   their   ailections  by 
afousmg  their  passions.     The  time,  however,  has  now  arrived 
when  the  treatment  of  adults  should  supersede  that  of  chiU 
dren.     Other  and  nearer,  and,  for  the  time,  more  important 
niterests,   have   occupied    her  •attention,   and    diverted   her 
thoughts  from  those  distant  portions  of  the  empire.     Much, 
therefore,  that  has  been  done  may  be  attributed  to  want  of 
accurate  information,  while  it  is  to  be  feared  much  also  has 
arisen  from   not  duly  appreciating  their  importonce.     The 
government  of  the  provinces  has  been  but  too  ollen  intrust(Kl 
to  persons  who  have  been  selected,  not  so  much  from  their 
peculiar  fitness  for  the  situation,  as  with  reference  to  their 
interests,  or  their  claims  for  reward  for  past  services  in  other 
departments.     From  persons  thus  chosen,  no  very  accurate 
or  useful  information  can  be  expected.     This  is  the  more  to 
be  regretted  as  the  resolutions  of  the  dominant  party,  either 
in  the  House  of  Assembly  or  Council,  are  not  always  to  be 
received  as  conclusive  evidence  of  public  opinion.     They  are 
sometimes  produced  by  accidental  causes,  often  by  temporary 
excitement,  and  frequently  by  the  intrigue  or  talents  of  one 
nian.     In  the  colonies,  the  legislature  is  more  often  in  advance 
of  public  opinion,  than  coerced  by  it,  and  the  pressure  from 
without   IS   sometimes  caused  by  the  excitement  previously 
existing  within,  while  in  many  cases  the  people  do  not  par 
ticipatc  in  the  views  of  their   representatives.     Hence   the 
resolutions  of  one  day  are  sometimes  rescinded  the  next,  and 
a  subsequent  session,  or  a  new  house,  is  found  to  hold  opin- 
u.-ns  oppose^  to  those  of  its  predecessor.     To  those  diiTicultics 


KEEPIWU    UP   THE  STEAM. 


177 


in  obtaining  accurate  information,  nmy  bo  added  the  uncertain 
cimractor  ol  that  nrisin-  from  private  sources.     IndividuaU 
having  access  to  the  Colonial  OlHce,  are  not  always  the  best 
quahiied  lor  consultation,  and  interest  or  prejudice  is  but  too 
oiten  lound  to  operate  insensibly  even  upon  those  whose  sin- 
cerity  and  integrity  are  undoubted.     As  a  remedy  lor  these 
evils  It  has  been  proposed  to  give  the  colonies  a  represento. 
lion  in  parliament,  but  the  measure  is  attended  with  so  many 
objections,  and  such  inherent  dilliculties,  that  it  may  bo  con. 
sidered    almost    impracticable.     The   only     atisfacfory  and 
elhcient  pr.  scription  that  political  quackery  1.  .s  hitherto  sug. 
gested,  appears  to  be  that  of  a  Colonial  Council-board,  com- 
posed  pnncipally,  if  not  wholly,  of  persons  from  the  respec 
tive  provinces ;  who,  while  the  minister  changes  with   tlie 
cabinet  of  the  day,  shall  remain  as  permanent  members,  to 
inlorm,  advise,  and  assist  his  successor.     None  but  native* 
can  fully  understand  the  peculiar  feelings  of  the  colmuts, 
Iho  advantages  to  be  derived  from  such  u  board,  are  too  obvi. 
ous  to  be  enlarged  upon,  and  will  readily  occur  to  any  one  at 
all  conversant  with  these  subjects ;  for  it  is  a  matter  of  note 
nety,  that  a  correspondence  may  be  commenced  by  one  min. 
ister,  continued  by  a  second,  and  terminated  by  a  third,  so 
rapid  have  sometimes  been  the  changes  in  this  department. 
.Lit  "^/."['y  business,  however,  to  suggest,  (and  1  heartily 
lejoice  that  it  is  not,  for  I  am  no  projector,)  but  simply  to 
record  the  sayings  and  doings  of  that  eccentric  personage, 
Mr.  Samuel  Slick,  to  whom  it  is  now  high  time  to  return. 

You  object,  said  I,  to  the  present  line  of  government  pack- 
ets  running  between  Falmouth  and  Halifax  (and  I  must  sav. 
no  without  reason:)  pray,  what  do  you  propose  to  substitute 
m  their  places.  Well.  I  don't  know,  said  he,  as  I  gist  altogether 
ought  to  blart  out  all  I  think  about  it.  Our  folk^s  mightn't  L 
over  half  pleased  with  me  for  the  hint,  for  our  New  York 
liners  have  the  whole  run  of  the  passengers  now,  and  plaguy 
proud  our  folks  be  of  ,t,  too,  I  tell  you.  Why,  if  it  waf  to 
leak  out  It  was  me  that  put  you  up  to  it,  I  should  have  to 
gallop  through  the  country  when  I  returned  home,  as  Head 
did— you  know  Head  the  author,  don't  you?  There  are 
several  gentlemen  of  that  name,  I  replied,  who  have  disfin- 
guished  themselves  as  authors;  pray,  wnich  do  you  mean) 
Well,^I  don^t  know^,  said  he,  as  I  can  gist  altogether  indicate 
.xe  loeiiucax  w,aa  i  mean,  but  i  calculate  it 's  him  that  gal- 
loped  the  wild  horsjs  in  the  Pampas  a  hundred  miles  a  day 


178 


THE    CroCKMAKFR. 


hniid  rurmin',  day  in  and  day  out,  on  bfvf  icu,  made  of  hung 
beef  and  cold  water;— it's  tho  gullopin'  ono  I  mean;  he  is 
Governor  to  Canada  now,  I  bolicvo.     You  know  in  that  are 
book  ho  wrote  on  gallopin'  ho  says,  "  the  greatest  luxury  in 
all  naiur'  is  to  ride  without  trousers  on  a  horse  without  a  sad- 
dle,"—what  we  call  ban;- breeched  and  bare-backed.     (Oh  I 
I  wonder  ho  didn't  die  a-larfm',  I  do,  I  vow.     Them  great 
thistles  that  he  says  grow  in  the  i'ampos  as  high  as  a'  hu- 
man's head,  must  have  tickled  a  mun  a'most  to  death  that 
rode  that  way.)     Well,  now,  if  I  was  to  tell  you  how  to  work 
it  I  should  have  to  ride  armed  as  he  was  in'hi.-s  travels,  with 
two  pair  of  detonatin'  pistols  and  a  double-barrelled  gun,  and 
when  I  seed  a  gaucho  of  a  New  Yorker  a-comin',  rlap  the 
reins  in  my  mouth,  set  off  at  full  gallop,  and  pint  a  pistol  at 
nim   with  each  hand  ;  or  else  I  'd  have  to  lasso  him, — that  'a 
sartain,— for  they  'd  make  travellin'  in  that  state  too  hot  for 
me  to  wear  breeches  I  know.     I  'd  have  to  off  with  them  full 
chisel,  and  go  it  bare-backed,— that 's  us  clear  as  mud.    I  be- 
lieve «ir  Francis  Head  is  no  great  lavourife,  I  roi)lied,  with 
your  countrymen,  but  ho  is  very  popular  with  the  colonists, 
and  very  dcaervexlly  so.    He  is  an  able  and  ellicient  governor, 
and  possesses  the  entire  confidence  of  the  provinces.     He  is 
placed  in  a  very  difficult  situation,  and  ap|)ears  to  displuv 
great  tact  and  great  talent.     Well,  well,  said  he,  let  that  pass; 
(  won't  say  he  don't,  though  I  wish  he  wouldn't  talk  so  much 
ng'in  us  as  he  does,  anyhow;  but  will  you  promise  you  won't 
let  on  it  was  me  now  if  1  tell  you  ?     Certainly,  said  f,  your 
name  shall  l)c  concealed.     Well,  then,  I  'II  toll  you,  said  he; 
turn  your  attention  to  steam  navigation  to  Halifax.     Steam 
will  half  rum  England,  yet,  if  they  don't  mind.     It  will  drain 
it  of  its  money,  drain  it  of  its  population,  and— what 's  more 
than  all — what  it  can  spare  least  of  all,  and  what  it  will   feel 
more  nor  all,  its  artisans,  its  skilful  workmen,  and  its  honest, 
intelligent,  and  respectable  middle  classes,     it  will  leave  you 
nothin'  in  time  but  your  aristocracy  and  your  poor.     A  trip 
to  America  is  goin'  to  be  nothin'  more  than  a  trip  to  France, 
and  folks  will  go  where  land  is  cheap  and  labour  high.     It 
will  build  the  new  world  up,  but  it  will  drain  the  old  one  out  in 
a  way  no  one  thinks  on.    Turn  this  tide  of  emigration  to  your 
own   provinces,  or,  as  sure  as  eggs  is  eggs,  we  will  get  it  all. 
You  han't  no  notion  what  steam  is  destined  to  do  for  America. 
ft  will  make  it  look  as  bright  as  a  pewter  button  yet,  I  know 
The  distance,  as  I  make  if,  from  Brisioi  to  New  York  Ligiil 


KEGPINO   UP  THB   STEAM. 


le  of  hunt; 
r^un ;  he  is 
ri  that  are 
;  luxury  in 
lout  u  sad- 
od.  (Oh  I 
hem  groat 
I  as  u  hu* 
deuth  that 
w  to  work 
ivels,  with 

gun,  and 
',  rlaj)  the 
a  pistol  at 
n, — that  'a 
;oo  hot  for 

them  full 
ud.  I  be- 
)lied,  with 

colon  IstH, 
governor, 
'.».  Ho  is 
:o  display 
that  pas.s; 
;  so  much 
you  won't 
id  f,  yoiii* 
,  said  ho ; 
:.  Steam 
will  drain 
fit 's  more 
t  will  (eel 
ts  honest, 
leave  you 
'.  A  trip 
0  France, 


ry 


high. 


[t 


^neout  in 
n  to  your 
got  it  all. 
America. 
,  I  know 
rk  Liyiil 


house,  18  0087  miles  }  from  BriKtol  to  Halifax  Light-house  is 
^1^479  ;  from  Halifax  Light  to  New  York  Light  is  622  miles,— 
m  all,  3001  miles ;  658  miles  shorter  than  New  York  line  | 
and  even  going  to  New  York,  36  miles  shorter  to  stop  to  HaU 
ilax  than  to  go  to  New  York  direct.  I  fix  on  Bristol  'caus^ 
it  8  a  better  port  for  the  purpose  than  Liverpool,  and  the  new 
rad-road  will  bo  gist  the  dandy  for  you.  But  them  great,  fal, 
porter-drinkm'  critters  of  Bristol  have  been  asnorin'  fast  asleep 
lor  half  a  century,  and  only  gist  got  one  eye  open  now.  I'm 
most  afcerd  they  will  turn  over,  and  take  the  second  nap,  and 
if  they  do  they  are  done  for—that's  a  fact.  Now  you  lake 
the  chart,  and  work  it  yourself,  squire,  for  I'm  no  great  hand 
at  navigation.  I've  been  a  whaling  voyaoo,  and  a  lew  other 
sea  trips,  and  I  know  a  little  about  it,  but  not  much,  and  yet, 
if  I  ain't  pretty  considerable  near  the  mark,  I'll  give  them 
leave  to  guess  that  knows  better— that's  all.  Get  your  legis- 
latur'  to  persuade  government  to  contract  with  the  Great 
Western  folks  to  carry  the  mail,  and  drop  it  in  their  way  to 
New  York  ;  for  you  got  os  much  and  as  good  coal  to  Nova 
Scotia  as  England  has,  and  the  steam-boats  would  have  to 
carry  a  supply  /or  550  miles  less,  and  could  take  in  a  stock 
at  llahfax  for  the  return  voyage  to  Europe.  If  ministers 
won't  do  that,  get  'em  to  send  stoum  packets  of  their  own,  and 
you  wouldn't  be  no  longer  an  everlasiin'  outlandish  country 
no  more  as  you  be  now.  And,  more  nor  that,  you  wouldn't 
lose  all  the  best  emigrants  and  all  their  capital,  who  now  go 
to  the  States  'cause  the  voyage  is  safer,  and  remain  there 
cause  they  are  tired  of  traveliin',  and  can't  get  down  here 
without  risk  of  their  precious  necks  and  ugly  mugs. 

But  John  Bull  is  hke  all  other  sponsible  folks ;  he  thinks 
'cause  he  is  rich  he  is  wise  too,  and  knows  every  thing,  when 
.n  fact  he  knows  plaguy  little  outside  of  his  own  location. 
Like  all  other  consaited  folks,  too,  he  don't  allow  nobody  else 
to  know  nothin'  neither  but  himself.  The  £//etalian  is  too 
lazy,  the  French  too  smirky,  the  Spaniard  too  banditti,  the 
Dutch  too  smoky,  the  German  too  dreamy,  the  Scotch  too 
itchy,  the  Irish  too  popey,  and  the  Yankee  too  tricky;  all 
low,  all  ignorant,  all  poor.  He  thinks  the  noblest  work  ol* 
God  an  Englishman.  He  is  on  considerable  good  terms 
with  himself,  too,  is  John  Bull,  when  he  has  his  go-to-meet- 
>n'  clothes  on,  his  gold-headed  cane  in   his  hand,  and  his 

puss   buttoned  im  tiahf  in  bis  troiicpra   por>l">t       IT<^  t.r<>n~^   i.:.. 

hat  a  little  o  ciie  side,  rakish-like,  whaps  his  cane  down  ng'ii 


160 


THE  CLOCkMAKBIl. 


the  pavement  harH,  as  if  he  intended  to  keep  things  in  theii 
place,  swaggers  a  few,  as  if  he  thought  he  had  a  right  to  look 
big,  and  stares  at  you  full  and  hard  in  the  face,  with  a  know, 
in  toss  of  his  head,  an  much  as  to  say,  «  Tkafs  me,  d^n 
you  f  and  who  you  be  I  don't  know,  and  what's  moi^  I  don't 
want  to  know;  so  clear  the  road  double  quick,  will  vouT 
les,  take  John  at  his  own  valialion,  and  I  guess  you'd  get  a 
considerable  hard  bargain  of  him,  for  he  is  old,  thick  in  the 
Wind,  tender  m  the  foot,  weak  in  the  knees,  too  cussed  fat  to 
[ravel,  and  plaguy  cross-grained  and  ilUtempered^  If  you  eo 
for  to  raise  your  voice  to  him,  or  even  so  much  as  lav  the 
jveighf  of  your  finger  on  him,  his  Ebenezer  is  up  in  a  minit.' 
I  don  I  like  him  one  bit,  and  I  don't  know  who  the  plague 
does :  but  that's  neither  here  nor  there* 

Do  you  get  your  legislature  to  interfere  in  this  matter ;  foi 
ateam  navigation  will  be  the  makin'  of  you  if  you  work  it 
tight.     It  IS  easy,  I  replied,  to  suggest,  but  not  quite  so  easy, 
Mr.  felick,  as  you  suppose,  to  have  these  projects  carried  into 
executioru     Government  may  not  be  wihing  to  permit  the 
mail  to  be  carried  by  contract.     Permit  it  I  said  he  with  «ni. 
mation  5  to  be  sure  it  will  permit  it.     Don't  they  grant  everv 
thing  you  ask  ?  don't  they  concede  one  thing  arter  another  to 
you  to  keep  you  quiet,  till  they  han't  got  much  left  to  con. 
oede  ?     It  puts  me  in  mind  of  a  missionary  I  once  seed  down 
o  Bow^  and  Arrows  (Buenos  Ayres.)     He  Nvent  out  to  con. 
Vart  the  people  from  bem'  Roman  Catholics,  and  to  persuade 
the  Spaniards  to  pray  m  English  instead  of  Latin,  and  to  get 
dipt  anew  by  him,  and  he  carried  sway  thi.re  like  a  house  a 
ire,  till  the  sharks  one  day  made  a  tarnation  sly  dash  amomr 
his  convarts  that  was  a  vvadin'  out  in  the  w^ter,  and  gist 
walked  oir  with  '.hree  on  'em  by  the  leg«,  scre^min'  and 
yelpm  like  mad.     Arter  that  he  took  to  a  pond  outside  the 
town,  and  one  day  as  he  wa^  awalkin'  out  with  his  hands 
tKjhmd  him,  ameditatin'  on  that  are  profane  trick  the  sharks 
played  hitn,  and  what  a  slippery  world  this  was,  and  what 
no    who  should  he  meet  but  a  party  of  them  Gauchos,  that 
galloped  up  to  him  as  quick  as  wink,  and  made  him  prisoner. 
Well,  they  gist  fell  to,  ind  not  only  ?>obbed  him  of  all  he  had, 
but  stripped  him  of  all  his  clothes  but  his  breeches,  and  them 

critter  !  he  felt  streaked  enough,  I  do  assure  you;  he  was 
»;ear  about  frightened  out  of  his  seven  senses  ;  he  didn't  know 


KfifiPINO    UP    THE   STEAM. 


igB  in  theif 

'ight  to  look 

ith  a  know. 

!'»  me,  rf— « 

nore  I  don't 

,  will  jouT 

^ou'd  get  a 

hick  in  llu» 

ussed  fat  to 

If  you  go 

as  lay  the 

in  a  minit. 

the  plague 

natter;  foi 
ou  work  it 
ite  so  easy, 
carried  into 
permit  the 
;  with  «ni. 
rant  every 
another  to 
;ft  to  con. 
seed  down 
ut  to  con- 
>  persuade 
and  to  got 
a  house  a 
Lsh  among 
,  and  gist 
imin'  and 
)Utside  the 
his  hands 
he  shark.s 
and  what 
chos,  that 
prisoner. 
11  he  had, 
and  them 
in.     Poor 
;  he  was 
in't  know 


iH\ 


whether  he  was  standin'  on  his  head  or  his  hev  \  ^nu  was 
e'en  a'most  sure  they  were  agoin'  to  murder  him.  So,  said 
he,  my  beloved  friends,  said  he,  I  beseech  you,  is  there  any 
thing  more  you  want  of  me  ?  Do  we  want  any  thing  more 
of  you  ?  says  they ;  why,  you  han't  got  nothen'  left  but  your 
breeches,  you  nasty,  dirty,  blackguard  heretic  vou,  and  do 
you  want  to  part  with  them  too  ?  and  they  gist  fell  to  and 
Welted  him  all  the  way  into  the  town  with  the  tip  eend  of 
their  lassos,  larfin',  and  hoopin',  and  hollerin'  at  the  joka 
like  so  many  ravin'  distracted  devils. 

Well,  now,  your  government  is  near  about  as  well  ofi*  as 
the  miscionary  was  ;  they've  granted  every  thing  they  had 
a'most,  till  they  han't  got  much  more  than  the  breeches  left, 
— the  mere  sovereignty,  and  that's  all.  No,  no  ;  gist  you  ax 
for  steam-packets,  and  you'll  get  'em— that's  a  fact.  Oh, 
squire,  if  John  Bull  only  knew  the  valy  of  these  colonies,  he 
would  be  a  great  man,  I  tell  you  /  but  he  don't.  You  can't 
make  an  account  of  'em  in  dollars  and  cents,  the  cost  on  one 
side,  and  the  profit  on  t'other,  and  strike  the  balance  of  the 
•'  tottle  of  the  hull,"  as  that  are  critter  Hume  calls  it.  You 
can't  put  into  figur's  a  nursery  for  seamen ;  a  resource  for 
timber  if  the  Baltic  is  shot  ag'in  you,  or  a  population  of  brave 
and  loyal  people,  a  growing  and  sure  market,  an  outlet  for 
emigration,  the  first  fishery  in  the  world,  their  political  and 
relative  importance,  the  power  they  would  give  a  rival,  con. 
vertiig  a  friend  into  a  foe,  or  a  customer  into  a  rival,  or  a 
shop  full  of  goods,  and  no  sale  for  'em — Figures  are  the 
representatives  of  numbers,  and  not  things.  Molesworth  may 
talk,  and  Hume  may  cypher,  till  one  on  'em  is  as  hoarse  as  a 
crow,  and  t'other  as  blind  as  a  bat,  and  they  won't  make  that 
table  out,  I  know. 

That's  all  very  true,  I  said,  but  you  forget  that  the  latter 
gentleman  says  that  America  is  now  a  better  customer  than 
when  she  was  a  colony,  and  maintains  her  own  government 
ftt  her  own  expense,  and  therefore  he  infers  that  the  remain 
ing  dependencies  are  useless  incumbrances.  And  he  forgets 
too,  he  replied,  that  he  made  his  fortin'  himself  in  a  colony, 
and  therefore  it  don't  become  him  to  say  so,  and  that  America 
is  larnin'  to  sell  as  well  as  to  buy,  and  to  manufactur'  as  well 
as  to  import,  and  to  hate  as  much,  and  a  little  grain  more, 
than  she  loved,  and  that  you  are  weaker  by  all  her  strength. 
He  forgets,  too,  that  them  that  separate  from  a  government 


183 


THE   CLOCKMAKER. 


or  secede  from  a  church,  always  hate  those  they  leave  much 

Z7:  Vs  aT,  t°  "^  bor/in  different  «tat/.  o7di£^t 
sects.  It  s  a  fact,  I  assure  you,  those  critters  that  desarted 
our  church  to  Shckville  in  temper  that  time  about  the  choice 
of  an  e  der.  were  the  only  ones  that  hated,  and  reviledrand 
pnrsecuted  us  ma  Connecticut,  for  we  were  on  friend  yoi 
neutral  terms  w,th  all  the  rest.  Keep  a  sharp  look-out  alwayi 
for  desarters,  lor  when  they  ine  tho  enemy  they  fight  like  the 
(Jcv.I.     No  one  hates  like  him  that  has  Lee  leena  Mend, 

le  forgets  that  a but  it's  no  use  atalkin' ;  you  mSt  a- 

well  wh.s  le  Jigs  to  a  mile-stone  as  talk  to  a  gmL  tKvs 

fifteen  mdhons  of  ini.nies  are  as  good  as  fiLnSon^ 

fnends,  unless  indeed  it  is  with  nations  as  with  indivkfua^s, 

hatit  js  better  to  have^.ome  folks  ag'in  you  than  for  Jourfo 

to  no  par'y!  ^'^        '''  '"  ^°"'  P^''^'^"^^^^  ^^^^  ain't  no  credit 

But  this  folly  of  John  Bull  ain't  the  worst  of  it,  squire ;  it'a 

considerable  more  s.lly  ;  he  invites  the  colonists  to  fight  his 

U  tlmtTn'tT    f"'  PTu^i/f^e  expense  of  the  enterflnmenl 

that  don  t  boat  cock-hghlin',  it's  a  pity  :  it  ^airly  bangs  the 

bush,  that      II  there's  a  rebellion  to  Canada,  squire,^(and 

here  will  be  as  sure  as  there  are  snakes  in  Varginy,)  it  will 

be  planned,  advised,  and  sot  on  foot  in  London,  yiV  may 

Miink  ol  It,  if  they  were  not  put  up  to  it.     Them  that  advi-e 
Papiaor  rebel,  and  set  his  folks  to  murder  Englishmen   and 
promise  to  back  them  in  England,  are  for  everlastin'ly  atalkin' 
01  economy,  and  yet  mstigate  them  parley  vous  to  put  the 
nation  to  more  expense  than  they  and  their  party  ever  saved 
by  all  their  barking  m  their  life,  or  e  er  could,  if  they  were 
to  live  as  long   as  Merusalem.     If  them    poor   Frenchmen 
rebe  ,  gj^t  pardon  them  right  off  the  reel  without  sayin'  a 
word    for  they  don't  know  nothin',  but   rig  up  a  gallus  in 
London  as  high  as  a  church  steeple,  and  I'll  give  ^you  the 
nan.es  of  a  few  villains  there,  the  cause  of  all  ^he  imirders 
^H  fXr'V'".,  1''^^/'""''  f  "d  ^i^^ries,  and  sufferin's  thai 
1  iVt       .K  /I  "^"^  "^""/"^^  ^^''''^  '^^"  "P  ^''^e  onsafe  dogs. 
A  crater  that  throws  a  firebrand  among  combustibles,  must 
answer  for  the  fire;  and  when  he  throws  it  into  his   neigh. 

.  mn'n  r^'  T^  ."?  ^'^'  ,';^'"'  '^«  '«  ^°^*^  ^  ^°-«rd  and  a 
.iila.n.  Cuss  em !  hjip^in'  is  too  good  for  'em.  1  say :  don't 
you,  squire  r  ^  ' 


KEEPmo    UP   THE    STEAM. 


183 


This  was,  the  last  conversation  I  had  with  the  C  jckmakcr 
•in  politics.  I  have  endeavoured  to  give  his  remarks  in  his 
own  language,  and  as  nearly  verbatim  as  I  could ;  but  they 
were  so  desultory  and  discursive,  that  they  rather  resembled 
thinking  aloud  than  a  connected  conversation,  and  his  illustra- 
tions often  led  him  into  such  long  episodes,  that  he  sometimes 
wandered  into  new  topics  before  he  had  closed  his  remarks 
upon  the  subject  he  was  discoursing  on.  It  is,  I  believe,  not 
an  uncommon  mode  with  Americans,  when  they  talk,  lo 
amuse  rather  than  convince.  Although  there  is  evidently 
some  exaggeration,  there  is  also  a  great  deal  of  truth  in  his 
observations.  They  are  the  result  of  long  experience,  and  a 
thorough  and  intimate  knowledge  of  the  provinces,  and  I  con- 
fess I  think  they  are  entitled  to  great  weight. 

The  bane  of  the  colonies,  as  of  England,  it  appears  to  me, 
is  ultra  opinions.  The  cis-Atlantic  ultra  tory  is  a  nondescript 
animal,  as  well  as  the  ultra  radical.  Neither  have  the  same 
objects  or  the  same  principles  with  those  in  the  mother  coun- 
try, whose  names  they  assume.  It  is  difficult  to  say  which 
does  most  injury.  The  violence  of  the  radical  defeats  his 
own  views  ;  the  violence  of  his  opponent  defeats  those  of  the 
government,  while  both  incite  each  other  to  greater  extremes. 
It  is  not  easy  to  define  the  principles  of  either  of  these  ultra 
political  parties  in  the  colonies.  An  unnatural,  and,  it  would 
appear,  a  personal,  and  therefore  a  contemptible  jealousy, 
influences  the  one,  and  a  ridiculous  assumption  the  other,  the 
smallest  possible  amount  of  salary  being  held  as  sufficient  for 
a  public  officer  by  the  former,  and  the  greater  part  of  the 
revenues  inadequate  for  the  purpose  by  the  latter,  while  patri- 
otism and  loyalty  are  severally  claimed  as  the  exclusive  attri 
butes  of  each.  As  usual,  extremes  meet ;  the  same  emptiness 
distinguishes  both,  the  same  loud  professions,  the  same  violent 
invectives,  and  the  same  selfishness.  They  are  carnivorous 
animals,  having  a  strong  appetite  to  devour  their  enemies,  and 
occasionally  showing  no  repugnance  to  sacrifice  a  friend 
Amidst  the  clamours  of  these  noisy  disputants,  the  voice  of  th 
thinking  and  moderate  portion  of  the  community  is  drowned, 
and  government  but  too  often  seenris  to  forget  the  existence  of 
this  more  numerous,  more  respectable,  and  more  valuable 
class.  He  who  adopts  extreme  radical  doctrines  in  order  to 
carry  numbers  by  flattering  their  prejudices,  or  he  who 
assumes  the  tone  of  the  ultra  tory  of  England,  because  ho 


Fl   i 


184 


THE    CLOCKMAKER. 


^nagines  it  to  be  that  of  the  aristocracy  of  that  country  avd 
more  current  among  those  of  the  little  colonial  cour^Vbllravs 
atoncea  want  of  sense  and  a  want  of  integrity   and  Tou la 
be  treated  accordingly  by  those  who  are  se'nt  \l  admSi 
ho  government.     There  is  as  little  safety  in  the  00^101 
those  who,  seeing  no  delect  in  the  institutions  of  LrcountrJ 
or  desiring  no  change  beyond  an  extension  of  pat  onarln^n 
salary  stigmatize  all  who  differ  from   them  as^  d  scomente" 
and   disloyal,  as  there  is   in  a  party  that  call   for  orlnir 
cJianges  in  the  constitution,  for  the  mere  purpose  of  suDolan 
ing  their  rivals,  by  opening  new  sources  of  preferS  ?o; 
themselves.     Instead  of  committing  himself  int'o  theTands  of 
either  of  these  factions,  as  is  often  the  case,  and  therebv  ar 
once  inviting   and    defying   the   opposition   if  the   other    ^ 
governor  should  be  instructed  to  avoid  thorn  hZh        J'  * 
a..emble  around  him  for  council  those;::ly^tho  p^r    ice  „"ot  of 
the  selfishness  of  Mie  one  or  the  violence  of  the  other  but  who 
uniting  frmness  wth  moderation,  are  not  afraid  to  redress  a 
grievance  becauoeit  involves  a  change,  or  to  uphold  the  estab 
hshed  institutions  of  the  country  because  it  e.posL  th'-  '« 
the  charge  of  corrupt  motives.      Such  men  exist  in  e^erv 
colony ;  and  though  a  governor  may  not  find  them  the  2 
prominent,  he  will  at  least  find  them  the  surest  ^11^.^ 
guides  in  the  end.     Such  a  course  of  poHcv  w  1    softe.    hn 
nsperit.es  of  party,  by  stripping  it  of  suLess!  w^  rally  ^oum 
the  local  governments  men  of  property,  integrity,  and  taZT 
and  inspire  by  Its  impartiality,  moderation, Ind^coListeney' 
popua^"'"*'^'^^'°"  ^"'  ^°"«^--  ^^-"g»»  the  whole' 


•M 


THE   CLOCKMAKKR's    PARTING    ADVICE. 


I8ft 


CHAPTER  XXIII. 


THE  CLOCKMAKER'S  PARTING  ADVICE. 

1.1.1N  tNO  now  fulfilled  his  engagement  with  me,  Mr.  S/ick 
infoiniod  me  that  business  required  his  presence  at  the  river 
Philiji,  and,  that  as  he  could  delay  his  departure  no  longer,  he 
had  called  for  the  purpose  of  taking  leave.  I  am  plaguy  loath 
to  pan  with  you,  said  he,  you  may  depend ;  it  makes  me  feel 
quite  lonesum  like :  but  I  ain't  quite  certified  we  shan't  have  a 
tower  in  Europe  yet  afore  we've  done.  You  have  a  pair  of 
pistols,   squire, — as   neat  a  little   pair  of  sneezers  as  I  e'en 

a'most  ever  seed,  and They  are  yours,  I  said  ;  I  am  glad 

you  like  them,  and  I  assure  you  you  could  not  gratify  me 
rnore  than  by  doing  me  the  favour  to  accept  ihem.  That's 
gist  what  I  was  agoin'  to  say,  said  he,  and  I  brought  my  rifle 
here  to  ax  you  to  exchange  for 'em ;  it  will  sometimes  put 
you  in  mind  of  Sam  Slick  the  Clockmaker,  and  them  are  little 
pistols  are  such  grand  pocket  companions,  there  won't  be  a 
day  a'most  I  won't  think  of  the  squire.  He  then  examined 
the  lock  of  the  rifle,  turned  it  over,  and  looked  at  the  stock, 
and  bringing  it  to  his  shoulder,  ran  his  eye  along  the  barrel, 
as  if  in  the  act  of  discharging  it.  True  as  a  hair,  squire, 
there  can't  be  no  better ;  and  there's  the  mould  for  the  balls 
that  gist  fit  her ;  you  may  depend  on  her  to  a  sartainty ;  she'll 
never  deceive  you  ;  there's  no  mistake  in  a  rael  right  down 
genuwine  good  Kentuck,  I  tell  you ;  but  as  you  ain't  much 
used  to  'em,  always  bring  her  slowly  up  to  the  line  of  sight, 
and  then  let  go  as  soon  as  you  have  the  range.  If  you  brinw 
her  doivn  to  the  sight  instead  of  up,  she'll  be  apt  to  settle  a 
little  below  it  in  your  hands,  and  carry  low.  That  wrinkle  is 
worth  havin',  I  tell  you ;  that's  a  fact.  Take  time,  elevate 
her  slov/ly,  so  as  to  catch  the  range  to  a  hair,  and  you'll  hit  a 
dollar  lit  seventy  yards  hand  runnin'.  I  can  take  the  eye  of 
5,  squirrel  out  with  her  as  easy  as  kiss  my  hand.  A  fair  ex 
ch-snge  is  no  robbery  any  how,  and  I  shall  set  great  store  by 
them  are  pistols,  you  may  depend. 

Having  finished  that  are  little  trade,  squire,  there  is  another 
«mall  matter  I  want  to  talk  over  with  you  afore  I  quit    tha» 
16  * 


tm 


THE    CLOCKMAKEJU 


«aul  he.  I  .ravelled  wi.h  .ou!  yo^  uLlll  1  Tor;'?::' 

book,  and  there  were  some  notions  in  it  gnve  me  a  n|„lv 

°     "f  Of  easiness  •  that's  a  faet.     Some  things  y™  aSS 

never  heerd  tell  of  afore  till  I  seed  them  writ  down:  vou  mn^f 
huve  made  them  out  of  whole  cloth.     When  I  wentZne  to 

«  gooa  aea  about  it.  They  said  it  warn't  the  part  of  a  imnA 
c  t  .en  for  to  go  to  publish  any  thing  to  lessen  our  great  nf don 
m  the  eyes  of  foreigners,  or  to  lower  the  exalted^stat  on  we 
had  among  he  nations  of  the  airth.  They  said  the  ZnUv 
of  the  American  people  was  at  stake,  and  they  were  S^ 
m  ned  some  o'  these  days  to  go  to  war  with  the  English  if  !hev 

tiV-  ^nd'th^tT'  '  ?"^  "^!^^^^  ^°  ^^  punisLd  by  ou'r 
aws,  and  that  if  any  of  our  citizens  was  accessory  to  sur-h 

ZckTtCt  '''''y'''''Y  ''"'  '""'y''  g'-  himTn  imer  an 
iWt  •  1 1  '  r  ''"'''^'  °^  ^^'•'  «"^  a  «aP  ^ove  of  feathers  I 
in  j^^-V^"'"'^''^'  altogether  easy  'bout  vour  new  book  •  I 
should  like  o  see  it  afore  we  part,  to  soften  down  tl^ngs'  a 
little,  and  to  have  matters  sot  to  rights,  afore  he  slfn«r 
whangers  get  hold  of  it.  S" 

I  think,  too,  atween  you  and  me,  you  had  c  sht  to  Ipf  mp 

^ifZV:  t  'P^''  '^^  '  '^^^^  «"^--d  consid'erable  byTt 
Ifh1t-V:f^  -  one  now  in  this  province ;  there's  L  e^^n 
^o  inai,  youve  put  a  toggle  into  that  chain:  vou  couldn't 
g^ve  em  away  now  a'most.  Our  folks  are  not  ove^r  and  above 
weU  pleased  with  me,  I  do  assure  vou;  and  the  blue^noses  sav 
I  have  dealt  considerable  hard  with  th^m.     They  are  plLuv 

ILVTthiikt  "^  ^r;^  to";:taro^. -ft: 

of  if    oL  tl-        u°  """'^  *J'^"  ^^''  I  «^0"Jd  have  my  share 
thn  ;•   .     t  ^'"^'  \^^^^^''  ^  ^°P6  you  will  promise  me    and 
that  is  to  show  me  the  manuscript  afore  vou  let  it  L  out  of 
your  hanas.     Certainly,  said  I,  kr.  Slick,  I  shall  have  la 
pleasure  in  reading  it  over  to  you  before  i    goes  to  the  pfess 

vour  J,  T  ''  ""-^  '^'"^  ^"  ''  '^^'  ^iiJ  compromise  you  wh 
your  countrymen,  or  in  ure  your  feelings,  I  vili  strike  out  til 
objectionable  passage,  or  soften  it  dowS  o  m  Jt  yo t  Xh^' 


i 


THE   CLOCKMAKERS   PARTITTO    ADVICE. 


187 


Well,  said  he,  tfiat's  pretty ;  now  I  like  that;  and  if  you  takf 
a  fancy  to  travel  in  the  States,  or  to  take  a  tower  in  Europe, 
I'm  your  man.  Send  me  a  line  to  Slickville,  and  I'll  jine  you 
where  you  like  and  when  you  like.  I  shall  be  in  Halifax  in 
a^ month  from  the  present  time,  and  will  call  and  see  you ; 
p  raps  you  will  have  the  book  ready  then ;— and  presenting 
me  with  his  rifle,  and  putting  the  pistols  in  his  pocket,  he  took 
leave  of  me,  and  drove  into  the  country. 

Fortunately,  when  he  arrived  I  had  the  manuscript  com- 
plelcd ;  and  when  I  had  finished  reading  it  to  him,  he  delibe- 
rately lit  his  cigar,  and  folding  his  arms,  and  throwing  him- 
self back  in  his  chair,  which  ho  balanced  on  two  legs,  he  said, 
I  presume  I  may  ask  what  is  your  object  in  writing  that  book? 
You  don't  like  republics,  that's  sartain,  for  you  have  coloured 
matters  so  it's  easy  to  see  which  way  the  cat  jumps.  Do  you 
mean  to  write  a  satire  on  our  great  nation,  and  our  free  and 
enlightened  citizens  ?— because  if  you  do,  gist  rub  my  name 
»ut  of  it,  if  you  please.  I'll  have  neither  art  nor  part  in  it ; 
I  won't  have  nothin'  to  do  with  it  on  no  account.  It's  a  dirty 
bird  that  fouls  its  own  nest.  I'm  not  agoin'  for  to  wake  up  a 
swarm  o'  hornets  about  my  ears,  I  tell  you ;  I  know  a  trick 
worth  two  o'  that,  I  reckon.  Is  it  to  sarve  a  particular  pur- 
pose,  or  is  it  a  mere  tradin'  speck  ? 

I  will  tell  you  ca/ididly,  sir,  what  my  object  is,  I  replied. 
In  the  Canadas  there  is  a  party  advocating  republican  institu- 
tions,  and  hostility  to  every  thing  British.  In  doing  so,  they 
exaggerate  all  the  advantages  of  such  a  form  of  government, 
and  depreciate  the  blessings  of  a  limited  monarchy.  In  Eng- 
land this  party  unfortuncitely  finds  too  many  supporters,  either 
from  a  misapprehension  of  the  true  state  of  the  case,  or  from 
a  participation  in  their  treasonable  views.  The  sketches  con- 
tained  in  the  present  and  preceding  series  of  the  Clockme.ker, 
It  IS  hoped,  will  throw  some  light  on  the  topics  of  the  day,  as 
connected  with  the  designs  of  the  anti-English  party.  The 
object  is  purely  patriotic.  I  beg  of  you  to  be  assured  that  1 
have  no  intention  whatever  to  ridicule  your  institutions  oi 
your  countrymen  ;  nothing  can  ba  further  from  my  thoughts . 
and  It  would  give  me  great  pain  if  I  could  suppose  for  a  mo- 
ment  that  any  person  could  put  such  an  interpretation  upoD 
my  conduct.  I  like  your  country,  and  am  proud  to  numbei 
many  citizens  of  the  United  States  amcnor  those  whom  I  honout 
and  iove.    It  is  contentment  with  our  o'v",  and  not  disparu^^e. 


'®®  THE   CLOCKMAKER. 

JTnn^n  ff  ^°"!i  '°?'^"tio««.  thai  I  am  desirous  of  impressing 
upon  the  minds  of  my  countrymen.     Right,  said  he-  I  ST,? 

thJ'uV^  ^  ^°^-J^"^'  i^'«  »°  ^ore  than 'your  dujy  IJ 

d«Der  into  ,h/nl  F """■  '"  '^.''''  ""''  "  Soes  a  little  grain 
fortin-  ou  of  i  -^t;  'm  ^"'Z  "'°'''  "  "^''■''  5""'  ""I  make  your 
£  so?  said  1    forlr^' ,"  "f "  ■"■  y°"'  y°"  ""y  depLd. 

had  w^  .rj'satisf:  tit  :r  „i"n;  ^'ijior""""''""] 

among  those  for  whose  benefit  Uwfs    osild  andlTav!'^ 

bint?:L°"  4'  •^»?I  P"Pe"-w°:r„sf?n-TeU^ 
omdm  ,  all  covered  over  the  back  with  tfiMin'  /T'li  „;m -f  r 

send  Vto    hfh    ^    sixpence  a  paper,  or  thereabouts,)  and 
sena   it  to  the  head  minister  of  the  Colonies   with  a   Ipttpt 

^^^Z't^'  '""'  •>-"•-  work' t'^a't'wm'ten 
AmerS.n  ma  ter     and  ^Zr^ r^'^r^'"  '"<■»■•"«"»"  on 

It  s  not  ahc^ether  considered  a  very  nrofitahlp  JZLT        ^' 

for  nothin'  and  fin.!  tu^    a     a  -(  P™"^^D'e  trade  to  work 

ur  nom  n  and  tind  thread.    An  author  can't  live  unon  nnthin' 

r -heL".:^,  Oft  ar  h-t  Xi  ^ri- "f 

c  araeter  i„  the  world  it  „e/er  had  leJoi  an    ra  selrv'  Iv" 

lr:l,«o!-xl-tvi-a.t-3^ 


THE   CLOCKMAKERS    PARTING    ADVICE. 


189 


though  I  say  It  that  shouldn't  say  it,  that  there  is  one  gentle. 

man  the-e  that  shall  be  nameless  that's  cut  his  eye-teeth,  anv 

how.    1  ho  natives  are  considerable  proud  of  him  ;  and  if  you 

want  to  make  an  impartial  deal,  to  tie  the  Nova  Scotians  to 

you  lor  ever,  to  make  your  own  name  descend  to  posterity 

with  honour,  and  to  prevent  the  inhabitants  from  ever  thinkin' 

of  Yanket.  CO,  nexion  (mind  that  hint,  say  a  good  deal  about 

that,  lor  Its  a  tender  pomt  that,  ajoinin' of  our  union,  and 

fear  is  plaguy  sight  stronger  than  love  any  time.)    You'll  gist 

sarve  him  as  you  sarved  Earl  Mulgrave  (though  his  writin's 

aint  to  be  compared  to  the  Clockmaker,  no  more  than  chalk 

IS  to  cheese;)  you  gave  him  the  governorship  of  Jamaica, 

and  arterwards  of  Ireland.     John  Russell's  writin's  got  him 

the  birth  of  the  leader  of  the  House  of  Commons      Well, 

rnn"T  ^^VT  ^  o  "^''^'"'^  y°"  '"^^^  h»'"  Governor  of 
Canada,  and  Walter  Scott  you  made  a  baronet  of,  and  Bulwer 
you  did  for  too,  and  a  great  many  others  you  have  got  the 
other  side  of  the  water  you  sarved  the  same  way.  Now. 
minister,  fair  play  is  a  jewel,  says  you ;  if  you  can  reward 
your  writers  to  home  with  governorships  and  baronetcies,  and 
all  sorts  o  snug  things,  let's  have  a  taste  o'  the  good  things 
this  side  o  the  water  too.  You  needn't  be  afraid  o'  bein'  tSo 
ollen  troubled  that  way  by  authors  from  this  country.  (It 
will  make  him  larf  that,  and  there's  many  a  true  word  said 
in  joke;)  but  we  ve  got  a  sweet  tooth  here  as  well  as  you 
have.  Poor  pickm's  in  this  country ;  and  colonists  are  as 
hungry  as  hawks. 

The  Yankee  made  Washington  Irvin'  a  minister  pIenipo\ 

to  honour  him ;  and  Blackwood,  last  November,  in  his  ma^a- 

zine,  says  that  are  Yankee's  books  ain't  fit  to  be  named  in 

the  same  day  with  the  Clockmaker— that  they're  nothin'  but 

Jeremiads.      Now,  though   Blackwood  desarves  to  be   well 

kicked  for  his  politicks,  (mind  and  say  that,  for  he  abuses  the 

mmistry  sky-high  that  feller— I  wouldn't  take  that  critter's 

sarse,  if  I  was  them,  for  nothin'  a'most— he  railly  does  blow 

hem  up  in  great  style,)  he  ain't  a  bad  judge  of  books,-at 

least  It  don  t  become  me  to  say  so ;  and  if  he  don't  know 

much  about  em  I  do;  I  won't  turn  my  back  on  any  one  in 

that  line.     So    minister,  says  you,  gist   tip  a  stave  to  the 

Governor  of  Nova  Scotia,  order  him  to  inquire  out  the  author 

and  to  tell  that  man,  that  distinguished  man,  that  her  Majesty 

delights  to  reward  merit  and  honour  talent,  and  that  if  he  will 


190 


( 


THK   CLOCKMAKER. 


come  home,  she'll  make  a  man  of  him  for  ever,  for  the  saka 

Pvo^ft  K  ^''^^•!i'  ''^'y  '°«"-  1^0"''  threaten  him:  for 
I  ve  often  obsarved,  if  you  go  for  to  threaten  Johi,  Bull,  he  cist 
squares  off  to  fight  without  sayin'  of  a  word ;  but  give  h^^ 

bird  h  ^^'  T\  '  ^""^  ^  P"^^^^'^'  ^"'^  «  dreadful  preVty 
bird  he  was,  and  a'most  a  beautiful  splendid  long  tail  he  had 
too     well,  whenever  I  took  the  pun  o'  crumbs  out  into  the 

would  let  any  of  'em  have  a  crumb  till  he  sarved  himself 

Think  thifT'T  I"^'*  n^"^^'^  ^"--y  drake  he  dTdn' 
think  this  a  fair  deal  at  all,  and  he  used  to  go  walkin'  round 

and  round  the  pan  ever  so  often,  olongin'  to  get  a  dip  into  it 
but  peacock  he  always  flew  at  him  and  drove^him  oT     Wei; 
for  fLrnr^''.^^  ^'  ^[^'  t^  ^'^^"Mht  he  wouldn't  threaten  him 
hi  hv  tb   f  '     !i  ^^'-.f  ^'"'')  ^"^  ^^  §<^«  r«"nd  and  seizes 
a  11  nvL  tl         '  T'^R"!''  ^'"^  ^^''^  °^^'-  ^^^^'«'  «nd  drags  him 
biaS  I  r'.r'^' *'''  ^".P""^  ^^^'•y  one  of  his  great?  long 

him-that  s  a  fact.     It  made  peacock  as  c  vil  as  you  pleasi 

to  EnZl'"    .^°^'  '""yi  y^"'  ^'-  S'i^-k  and  I  talk  of^Z 

?T  S  1.  """"^  ^'"'''  ^"^  ^"^^"'  «  book  about  the  British  : 

o'   hp^  K    r".^  '""f'^'  \^'  P""  of  crumbs,  along  with  some 

o  thenj  big  birds  with  the  long  tails,  and  get  my  share  of 'em 

some  folks  h.d  better  look  out  for  squalls:    if  Cfockmaker 

pts  ho  Id  of  %3m  by  the  tail,  if  he  don't  make  the  featherfl^ 

lu^  P"f     ^J°''^  '^  ^  J^'^^'  ''"t  I  guess  they'll  find  that  no 

Hnwn'  X.     A       ?  ^'  ^^""^  ^^  ^  '^'"'^  t^  «  b"nd  horse ;  so  come 

thp3       if'","".'  T'''''^  °^  ^°^^  '^  y«"^  t«i»«>  I  tell  you,  for 

nameless,  as  sure  as  you  are  born. 

Now,  squire,  do  that,  and  see  if  they  don't  send  you  out 
governor  of  some  colony  or  other;  and  if  they  do,  gist  make 
me  your  deputy  secretary,-that's  a  good  man,-lfnd  we^U 
write  books  till  we  write  ourselves  up  lu  the  vei'y  tip  torof 

a  book  IS  no  great  rarity  in  England  as  it  is  in  America 
1  assure  you ;  and  colonies  would  soon  be  wanting,  if  every 
author  were  to  be  made  a  governor.  It's  a  rari  v  in  the 
colonies,  though,  said  he;  aSd  I  should  like  tricnow  how 
many  governors  there  have  been  who  could  write  the  two 
t  lockmakers.     Why,  they  never  had  one  that  could  do  it  to 


)r  the  saka 
blue-noses, 
I  him;  for 
ull,  he  gist 
■  give  him 
irul  pretty 
ail  iio  had 
It  into  the 
tter  never 
^d  himself 

he  didn't 
kin'  round 
fip  into  it ; 
ff:     Well, 
saten  him, 
nd  seizes 
Jrags  him 
eat,  long, 
n'  fool  of 
ou  pleas* 
:  of  goin' 

British : 
/»th  some 
re  of  'em 
)ckmakeT 
fhers  fly, 
J  that  no 

so  come 

you,  for 
shall  be 

you  out 
ist  make 
nd  we'll 
p-top  of 
,  writing 
America, 
if  every 
r  m  the 
ow  how 
the  two 
do  it  to 


THE   CLOCKMAKKr's   PARTING    ADVICE.  191 

^ve  his  soul  alive.  Come,  come,  Mr.  Slick,  said  I,  no  ioft 
iawder,  if  you  please,  to  me.  I  have  no  objection  to  record 
your  jokes  upon  others,  but  I  do  not  desire  to  be  made  the  sub- 
jec  of  one  myself.  I  am  not  quite  such  a  simpleton  as  not 
to  know  that  a  man  may  write  a  book,  and  yet  not  be  fit  foi 
a  governor.     Some  books,  said  ho,  such  as  I  could  name ;  but 

nn!71  i'?K^\i"''^  '"T^^""  *°  "'>^  ^y'"'  ^^y'  that  a  man  thai 
u  ui    I  ^^^^^  f^^  '^'*'^"  '"  t'^^  Clockmakers  (and  it  ain't 

xibable  he  emptied  the  whole  bag  out~there  must  be  con- 
.iderable  s.ftm'8  left  in  it  yet)  is  fit  for  governor  of  any  place 
in  the  univarsal  world.  I  doubt  if  even  Mr.  Van  Buron  him- 
sen  (the  prettiest  penman  at  ween  the  poles)  could  do  it.  Let 
em  gist  take  you  up  by  the  heels  and  shake  you,  and  see  \r 
as  much  more  don't  come  out. 

If  you  really  are  in  earnest,  I  said,  all  I  can  say  is,  that 
you  very  much  over-rate  it.  You  think  favourably  of  .he 
work,  because  you  are  kind  enough  to  think  favourably  of  the 

T^l  M "  '^''  ''  ""''y.  ^"'*  "^  ^  J°l^^ '  but  I  assure  you 
they  would  not  even  condescend  to  answer  such  a  communi. 
cation  at  the  Colonial  Office;  they  would  set  such  a  letter 
down  as  the  ravings  of  msanity-as  one  of  the  innumerable 
instances  that  are  constantly  occurring  of  the  vanity  and  folly 
of  authors.  Don't  you  believe  it.  said  he;  and  if  you  d.  I't 
send  It.  I  hope  I  may  be  ^hot  if  I  don't.  I'll  send  it  through 
our  minister  at  the  Court  of  St.  Jemes's.  He'll  do  it  wUh 
p  easure ;  heMl  feel  proud  of  it  as  an  American  production- 

rvL'^'^'Th  ^'^'"".'^  ^^Pf'"'  ^'  ^''^  ^^^"^«»  Boz;  he  will, 
•  vow.  That  s  gist  exactly  what  you  are  fit  for— I've  got  it 
-I  ve  got  It  now ;  you  shall  be  ambassador  to  our  court  to 
wJ;"!f  ,v^''^^"°^''^Se  I  have  given  you  of  America, 
American  politics,  American  character,  and  American  feelin' 
has  gist  fitted  you  for  it.  It's  a  grand  birth  that,  and  private 
secretary  vyill  suit  me  to  a  notch.  I  can  do  you^  writiS',  and 
plenty  o  time  to  spare  to  spekilate  in  cotton,  niggers,  and 
tobacco  too.  That's  it-that's  the  dandy  !  And  hf  jumped 
up,  snapped  his  fingers,  and  skipped  about  the  floor  in  a  most 
extraordinary  manner.  Here,  waiter,  d-n  your  eyes  !  (for 
I  must  larn  to  svvear-the  English  all  swear  like  troopers;  the 

Sfenov  r  l^Tu^'-'- ^-"^')  ^'^'^  ^^i'-''  tell  hi^ 

nionf  ?.?/'  ^  ^"'''^  •"''""^^''  ^°  the  court  of  the  American 
people,  (that  s  you  squire,  said  he,  and  he  made  a  scrape  of 
his  leg,)  that  Mr.  Secretary  Slick  is  waitin'.     Come,  bear  a 


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^^  turn  CLOCKMARBK. 

hand,  rat  you,  and  stir  your  slumps,  and  mmd  the  title,  dii 
you  hear,— Mr.  Secretary  Slick  ?  I  have  the  honour  to  wish 
your  Excellency,  said  he,  with  the  only  bow  I  ever  saw  him 

Eerpetrate,  and  a  very  hearty  shake  of  the  hands— I  have  tb» 
ouour  to  wish  your  Excellency  good  night  and  good  bye 


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CHAPTER  I.  Thb  First  Chcsadk.— Causes  of  the  Crnsades—Ppeoching  Ci  thft 
First  Crusado— Petor  the  Hermit— The  Crusade  nndertalcen  by  the  PeoL'e— 
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Sifgo  and  Capture  of  Antioch  by  the  Crusaders—Dcfeiioe  of  Antiooh  by  th« 
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Crusade— Louis  VII.  and  Conrad  HI.  in  Palestine. 

CHAPTER  IIL  The  Tmnn  Cbusabk.— The  Rise  of  Saladin— Battle  of  Tibe- 
nns,  and  Fall  of  Jerusalem- The  Germans  undertake  the  Crusade- -Riobard 
Coeur  do  Lion  in  Palestine. 

CHAPTER  IV.  The  Fodrth  CnusADB.—The  French,  Germans,  and  TtalUnt 
unite  in  the  Crusade— Affairs  of  the  Eostern  Empire — Expedition  agidntt  Con- 
stantinople—Second Siege  of  Constantinople. 

CHAPTER  V,  The  Last  Four  Crusades.— History  of  the  Latin  EmpL-e  of 
tho  East— The  Fifth  Crusade— The  Sixth  Crusade— The  Seventh  Crusade- -The 
Eighth  Crusade. 

CHAPTER  VI.— Consequences  ok  tub  Crusades. 


At  the  present  time,  when  a  misunderstanding  concerning  the  Holy  Places  at 
JeruBuIem  has  given  rise  to  a  war  involving  four  of  the  great  Powers  of  Eurcpe, 
ttie  mind  naturally  reverts  to  the  period  when  nearly  all  the  military  powers  of 
Europe  made  a  descent  on  Palestine  for  the  recovery  of  them  from  the  possession 
of  the  infideb.  It  would  seem  that  the  interest  in  these  places  is  still  alive;  and 
the  history  of  the  Holy  Wars  in  Palestine  during  a  considerable  portion  of  the 
Middle  Ages,  may  bo  supposed  to  form  an  attractive  theme  for  tho  general  reader. 

Under  this  impression  Major  Proctor's  excellent  "  History  of  the  Crusades"  ba« 
been  carefully  revised,  some  additions  made,  a  series  of  illustrative  engravings, 
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